Voila! Finally, the Mystery Men
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Ben Stiller and
Janeane Garafalo movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Mystery Men. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
WouId you like something sweet?
What do we got here, felias,
an antique show?
Boys, spread out!
What a wrinkIe-fest this is!
Beat it, you broads!
Come on!
Ali right, sit down and shut up!
We're the Red Eyes,
so everybody freeze!
Get their vaIuabIes, boys.
I want watches, waliets, jeweliery.
Get me some sliver chains.
I want wigs, toupees!
Keep an eye out for me, wliI ya?
li
No, no, mine! Leave me aIone!
I'm a veteran!
Oh, no! Not that!
I Iove crashing parties!
Hey, cake!
Pardon me, fatty.
If you're going to eat cake,
you ought to use a fork!
You might just as weli
shoveI it in!
PeopIe who don't
cIose their mouths when they chew...
make me furious.
One for you.
Drat! And for you.
Want a littIe whipped cream,
Mr. Cherry Top?
Is that ali you got?
Is that ali you--
- Throw it!
- Not today, my vermliion-eyed varIet!
- BIast.
- Out of the way!
Yes, this one shouId stick!
Oh, my! That's right up the Khyber!
It's Captain Amazing!
- It's Amazing!
- I'm out of here!
C.A.
You were, if I may say, amazing.
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Let's go meet the press.
He is good!
- He is rather ripping, isn't he?
- Boy.
The spinning and the hurting
and the kicking.
I guarantee you
he hogs the credit on this one.
Weli, I do think we have to
at Ieast concede him the assist here.
li
No, no, that's exactIy
what's hoIding us back.
Don't put him on the pedestaI.
Put us on the pedestaI.
Here he comes.
Bravo and huzzah, Captain.
SpIendid work, as usuaI.
No autographs
tliI we finish with the press.
We're not--
Aliow me to introduce myseIf.
BIue Raja, Master of Sliverware.
Forks, speciality. At your service.
- My colieague, the ShoveIer.
- Big fan of your work.
And standing rather painfuliy aside
is our cohort, Mr. Furious.
- How's it hanging?
- Oh, so you guys--
They're superheroes. Okay.
- We fight crime. Cali it what you wliI.
- Quite right.
That's great.
Just, you know...
keep up the good work.
You as weli, sir.
You as weli.
Did you see-- Did you--
Did you hear that?
''Keep up the good work.''
- The good work.
- He's making fun of us.
No, Roy. He saIuted us.
That was reaI.
- I thought he was sincere.
- What's up, felias?
Helio. Nice to see you.
I saw the action out there tonight.
What you guys need
is a littIe bit of firepower.
li
Weli--
li
I'm a weapons designer.
I've got what you need.
Ali right. We'li come back.
We'li visit ali of you peopIe Iater.
Thank you, sir.
I don't live here.
I'm here for the Iadies, you know.
Here, take my card.
My name's Helier. Say it with me.
Helier. Ali right. Thank you.
I don't know why
you encourage those peopIe.
- Those peopIe Iook up to us, Roy.
- Oh, that's true.
- You know the drliI.
- PIease sign my hat, Captain Amazing.
Herman, give me a fIash.
How are you tonight?
How did you know
where to find the Red Eyes?
Becky, it's what I do.
Thanks to you,
the city's aImost crime-free.
- What do you do with your free time?
- I wish that I had some free time.
PeopIe are saying you're so ''amazing''
you're gonna put yourseIf out of a job.
- Have any comments on that?
- That's one probIem I Iook forward to.
And is it true that you Iost
your Pepsi endorsement?
I hadn't heard that.
Thanks so much for your questions.
Thank ali of you.
You sure, Captain, you have no comments
regarding your Pepsi situation?
Oh, Iook who we got.
You again. Wanna-bes.
This city aIready has a superhero.
Perhaps you've heard of him?
Captain Amazing.
- Do yourseIf a favor, Maguire.
- Okay, Roy.
Don't flip my switch tonight.
Oh, yeah?
And what exactIy wouId that do?
Don't turn around, Roy.
Don't do it.
- It's nothing.
- Keep waIking.
It's not worth it.
I think you know exactIy
what that wouId do, checkerhead.
li
What?
Don't mess with the voIcano,
my man.
'Cause I wliI go Pompeli
on your butt.
Oh, my goliy. Good grief.
You keep dreaming, wanna-be.
Let's go. Dream on, moron.
I wliI keep dreaming!
I wliI keep dreaming, my friend!
And when I wake up,
you better hope--
li
you better hope you're asIeep.
- Don't reengage him. He's a sliIy--
- Sweet dreams!
- He's immature.
- Lilac!
- C.A., I'm doing my best.
- Oh, your best?
Uh, quick question.
Is this your best?
- Okay, I realize you're upset.
- Victor, I'm positioned.
Do you understand what that means--
on a very personaI IeveI here--
li
to know that the companies
that make these fine products...
li
want me to be their spokesperson,
their voice?
li
li
I think right now
we shouId focus on the positive.
li
- Tonight was good.
- Yeah? You think so?
li
'Cause I was worried it was, um,
I don't know, pathetic!
li
''Amazing triumphs at a nursing home!''
li
That's great copy, Vic.
li
I'm a publicist, not a magician.
li
You want big news,
you have to have big fights.
li
A superhero needs a supervliIain,
and thanks to you we've got none Ieft.
- Then get the Death Man.
- Death Man is dead.
- Okay. Father Doom.
- Life without paroIe.
ApocaIypto's doing years.
Armagezmo's in exlie.
- Baron Von Chaos got the chair.
- Realiy?
Casanova Frankenstein
is Iocked up in a nuthouse.
li
Casanova Frankenstein.
Now, there was a supervliIain.
You know, he just--
He's got those eyes, you know?
I can't do it, but--
And that voice--
such pure evli.
The battIes we used to have--
extraordinary.
''Used to.''
That's the probIem, Captain.
''Used to.''
:li: :li:
Let the record show that this
paroIe hearing has officialiy begun.
:li: :li:
We now commence
the th paroIe hearing...
:li: :li:
of Casanova Frankenstein.
:li: :li:
Dr. Leek, you may begin.
:li: :li:
Thank you.
:li: :li:
GentIemen of the board,
the man who sits before you...
:li: :li:
the once infamous evli genius...
:li: :li:
is entireIy cured.
:li: :li:
What?
:li: li :li:
I give you my word that
he is of no more danger...
:li:
to the city now than I am.
- This is outrageous.
- Yes.
Mr. Casanova Frankenstein...
you have anything to say
on your own behaIf?
li,
BIessed discipIes of Hippocrates...
my heart is split in two.
It brims with such...
sorrow for my abominabIe crimes.
And yet...
it swelis with Iove for you...
for this sanctuary...
this pIace of healing.
Within my souI
I feeI the choir singing...
Beethoven's immortaI ''Ode to Joy''...
where ali men...
become brothers!
Am I too Iate to cast my vote?
Not at ali, Lance.
I was just about to remind the board...
that Casanova once had our city
in a strangIehoId of terror.
ParoIe is not an option
for this man, this monster.
We cannot risk the danger
of reIeasing him.
I couId not agree with you more.
Excelient.
However, I, uh--
I did just have dinner...
with a oId friend recentIy.
Maybe you've heard of him--
Captain Amazing.
And he asked, if I wouId,
to read this.
''Dear members of the board...
we ali know that
society cannot exist...
without absoIute justice.
But society is aIso bulit...
upon compassion.
Let us set the tone
for the new mliIennium...
by making a historic gesture
of forgiveness.
Ladies and gentIemen,
I impIore you...
Iet us grant Casanova Frankenstein...
li
a second chance.''
With Captain Amazing's
recommendation and protection...
I suppose we couId consider.
I pronounce you...
cured.
Helio, Champion City.
li
Daddy is home.
li li
Hi, everybody. You know, tooth decay
and gingivitis can be a crime.
That's why I use
Mighty Whitey Toothpaste.
Because I want my teeth
to Iook amazing.
I'm gonna bring this up again.
It's bucks apiece.
My cousin knows this guy
who knows a publicist.
What are we gonna publicize?
The fact we get our butts kicked a Iot?
Maybe if you didn't smack me
in the face with a shoveI...
every time we went out,
we'd have more wins to brag about.
I'm sorry about that.
I just have a tendency...
to Iose my concentration when I've got
a saIad fork stuck in my rear end.
I get it. So your shoveI in his face
is my fauIt.
- You threw a spoon at the guy, Jeff.
- What was up with that?
I'm frightfuliy embarrassed
about that.
- I thought it was a fork.
- You're the master of cutIery.
You can't throw a knife sometimes
when somebody's trying to kliI me?
- You can't use a rake sometimes?
- No, I'm the ShoveIer.
Weli, I'm the BIue Raja.
I'm not Stab Man.
I'm not Knifey Boy.
I'm the BIue Raja.
- That's another thing.
- What?
li
You couId get a littIe bit of bIue
in the uniform somewhere.
- Realiy.
- You got green.
- There's a fIowery thing happening.
- It doesn't make a Iot of sense.
If we couId just step out of our
literaI minds for just one moment--
Hey, Iook what I'm doin'.
Look at that.
I'm puttin' right on the tabIe.
Who's in with me?
li
I don't have now, do I?
If I did, I wouIdn't pIunder
my mother's sliverware.
- It's a waste of money.
- You know who doesn't think it is?
LittIe Mr. Captain Amazing.
If we had a blilionaire like Lance Hunt
as our benefactor, we couId spend .
That's 'cause Lance Hunt
is Captain Amazing.
- Here we go.
- Don't start that again.
Lance Hunt wears gIasses.
Captain Amazing doesn't wear gIasses.
- He takes them off when he transforms.
- That doesn't make any sense.
He wouIdn't be abIe to see.
- Hi, thanks for waiting.
- Hey, thanks for dropping by.
- You know what you want?
- Mm-hmm.
If you'li aliow me to begin,
my dear, the BIue Raja...
is quite partiaI
to the saIad nicoise.
My dressing of choice
is Rancho Light...
and I'd appreciate it
if you'd hoId the Baco-bits.
However, seeing
it's your first night and ali...
li,
I'li suppose I'li ''fork-give'' you
if you ''fork-get.''
li, li
Who's next?
Can I get a meatbali sandwich
on white with mayo?
I'li have a steak, pIease, very rare.
That means pink, not bIoody.
And can I get some ice?
I had a littIe mishap...
defending justice
over at the nursing home.
I thought I heard on TV
that that was Captain Amazing.
Okay, Iet's ali be good littIe
automaton droids...
and believe everything
we hear on TV.
I'li just go pIace your order now.
A trifIe strident with that bit
of crumpet, weren't we, Furious?
Weli, I am a ticking time bomb of fury.
Ali I'm saying is
when we split the check three ways...
the steak-eater picks the pocket
of the saIad man.
- Just give me the money, Jeff.
- Yes, fine.
Every time we eat,
we split it three ways.
- It's flipping robbery.
- Weli, you shouId order more.
Do you see what I see?
- Helio.
- It's Tony C.
li,
And Tony P, Ieader of the Disco Boys.
But why, pray teli,
wouId he be back in town?
Maybe it's time to do
a littIe foliowing to find out.
It's aIready : . I'm gonna
get kliIed by my wife as it is.
Yes, and I've had quite enough
excitement for one night, thank you.
Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. My mistake.
I thought I was hanging out
with a coupIe of serious superheroes...
the ShoveIer and the BIue Raja.
But apparentIy,
I'm hanging out with...
Lazy Boy and, and--
- Good night.
- ToodIe-Ioo.
Hang on a second.
Lazy Boy and the-- the--
And the Recliner!
Yeah, Lazy Boy and the Recliner.
Guys, are you coming?
Are you--
Great. Okay, fine.
li,
I guess tonight...
li,
the Ione woIf...
hunts aIone.
TesticIes rising.
Can't breathe. Can't breathe.
Butch needs his vest back.
He's got a game on Saturday.
Weli, it's my vest too.
I bought it for him.
The onIy thing I need--
How Iong you gonna do this, Eddie?
It's been years.
I know.
You got a famliy to Iook after.
li
The kids are worried sick about you.
But stliI, you go out night after night,
running around the city, for what?
LucliIe, God gave me a gift.
I shoveI weli.
I shoveI very weli.
Oh, baby.
You shoveI better
than any man I've ever known.
But that does not make you
a superhero.
- Ali I--
- No, no, no.
You're a good husband...
and a good father.
But that's ali. Nothing more.
li,
You're right.
I believe in you, Daddy.
RoIand...
do not encourage your father.
Weli, weli, weli. If it isn't
our oId friends, the Red Eyes.
Good evening, gentIemen.
We weren't expecting to see you again...
so ''spoon.''
Damn.
Red Eyes, Red Eyes, Red Eyes.
What a treat.
We weren't expecting
to see you again so ''spoon.''
Mom, how many times
have I asked you not to barge in here?
- What's burning?
- Incense.
I can't even count how many ruIes
you're breaking right now.
One: AIways knock.
Two: Don't sniff around outside my door.
Three: Do not interrogate me.
- Jeffery?
- What?
Are you on the marijuana?
Mom, you're cheesing me off
so bad right now.
Just, pIease, good night.
Okay, I'm Ieaving.
Jeffery, pIease!
- Good night.
- Good night.
God, she's just so--
Let's see what's shaking
over at the Chez Casa Casanova.
Ah! The oId disco room.
Just as I Ieft it.
li
You've been Iocked up
for years, Casanova.
A Iot of things
have changed since then.
It must have been hard for you, Tony,
the way times and styIes have changed.
To hear the peopIe saying
that disco is dead.
Disco is not dead!
Disco is life!
Yes, Tony,
that is the passion I remember.
Stick with me...
and you wliI dance again...
when I ruIe this town.
Have you met my psychiatrist?
Come out, come out, wherever you--
There we go.
Looks like we got
a littIe terrace party.
Tony, I want you to spread the word
to ali of my gangs.
Teli them that
Casanova Frankenstein is back...
and that Casanova Frankenstein
is pIanning something...
a littIe bit different.
Kaboom.
Mama Pajama.
What kind of crazy man
bIows up a crazy house?
And now, if you wliI excuse me,
I am expecting a visit...
from a very oId friend.
Look who we got. A littIe booty cali
from Captain Amazing.
Oh, this is a fine,
eIegant Harvey Walibanger.
Even when it's sucked
by scum like you?
Captain Amazing.
What a surprise.
Realiy?
I'm not so sure about that.
Your first night of freedom,
and you bIow up the asyIum.
li,
Interesting choice.
I knew you couIdn't change.
li,
- I knew you'd know that.
- Oh, I know that.
And I knew you'd know
I'd know you knew.
But I didn't.
I onIy knew that
you'd know that I knew.
Did you know that?
- Of course.
- PIease, won't you join me?
With pIeasure.
Oh, quick thought.
WouId you mind removing
the submicronic Iaser...
in the ring on the index finger
of your Ieft hand?
Of course.
And, if it wouIdn't be too much troubIe,
go ahead and disengage...
the psychotropic bacterium
dart Iaunchers in your slippers.
Done.
The coId fusion uItrasonic
neuro-stunner in your drink stirrer.
Turn it off.
li
We know each other so weli,
don't we, Lance?
Weli, we've aIways been each other's
greatest ''nemesises.''
''Nemesisi.'' ''Nemesee.''
What-What's the pIuraI on that?
- Nemeses.
- Whatever.
You're going to prison for life
this time, Casanova.
You see, here in Champion City,
we stliI do a fairIy brisk trade...
in justice.
I thought it was ali about publicity
and keeping your sponsors happy.
It's that kind of cynicism
that I truIy feeI...
li
is starting to poison society.
Oh! Lookee here.
A muIti-frequency radio detonator.
You shouId be more carefuI
when discarding incriminating evidence.
Oh, no, no, no.
This is an amusing littIe gizmo.
It's realiy quite cooI.
Yeah? What is it?
It's a chIoroform-depIoying
portabIe enticement snare.
Aw, dang!
Oh, Lancey.
You realiy are so predictabIe.
- Good morning, Saliy.
- You're Iate!
Yes, I know. I was up ali night,
trying to defend the city from evli.
But I'm sure
you don't realiy care about that.
Work starts at : !
It's : !
So I guess ali the junk's
probabIy ruined by now.
Hey, sucker, when are you gonna
tear down that Jeep like I toId you to?
li
We went through this yesterday.
That oId Jeep is actualiy
an armored car of some type.
It was meant to withstand bombs. I can't
just rip it apart with a crowbar.
Just junk it.
Maybe if you gave me
the proper tooIs, I couId--
Junk it!
You know what? I'm wliling to have
this discussion with you...
but we shouId deaI with it
like two peopIe who respect--
I want it junked.
Okay.
li,
Right now, I'm kind of like
a powder keg, and you're the match.
li,
If you teli me to junk it
one more time--
Junk it, now!
You got that?
That littIe sucker
just saved your life.
Just junk it, you miserabIe cuss!
We interrupt this program
to bring you breaking news.
Champion City's best-known blilionaire,
Lance Hunt, has disappeared.
li,
Police hope to enlist the heIp
of Captain Amazing...
li,
in the search for Hunt,
but have so far falied...
li
to contact the city's
beIoved superhero.
He makes a wonderfuI trophy,
don't you think?
Listen, we need
to taIk about your pIans here.
You know my pIans, Lancey.
Tomorrow night,
I'm going to kliI you.
Right. That's the part
that realiy doesn't work for me.
When the cIock strikes : --
li
cuckoo, cuckoo--
you wliI be dead...
und my city wliI be given
a new state of mind.
CIearIy, you gotta go with
what you're comfortabIe with.
But I don't know.
I just keep coming back to this pIace.
I'm spitbaliin' here,
but maybe we reIease the Captain...
to the authorities.
I say that you're
compIeteIy reformed-- wink, wink.
There's rejoicing in the streets.
Then, at that point...
you do the whoIe
''destruction of the city'' thing.
I mean, is it a perfect pIan? No.
And I think
that's what I like about it.
Jeez!
Okay, that's great.
li
Turn out the lights now.
It was just an idea.
Okay, wait, I got a better one.
You Iet me live, I'm your sidekick.
I'm, like, Amazing Boy, or--
Casanova?
Are you sure Captain Amazing
is in there?
Yeah, I'm sure. Let's go!
Wait. Hear that?
We must have hit a trip wire.
It couId be a photon-eviscerator
heating up.
It couId be a cybernetic atom scrambIer.
They target moving objects.
Sounds more like a heat-seeking
anthrax projection gun to me.
- QuickIy, cover your mouths!
- Let's boIt!
- Don't move!
- Don't breathe!
Don't move!
Oh, it's the sprinkIer.
Isn't that just fabu?
I'm positiveIy soaked.
li
What do we got here?
I think they're supposed to be
jive superheroes.
Weli, they made a big mistake
coming to Casanova's pIace.
- What's so funny?
- That's it? That's your power?
You have guns?
li,
CouIdn't you be a littIe more
creative than that?
li,
Do forgive
the impertinence, governor...
but what the devli does a pistoI
have to do with disco?
- Weak.
- At best.
Check out the guy with the pipe.
What are you, the Disco PIumber?
There's no theme here.
If you're gonna carry a chain,
at Ieast make it a goId chain.
See? That's just off
the top of my head.
- Yo, what's up, Tiger Lily?
- The top of your head, eh?
We'li never get in there.
There's too many of those Disco Boys.
I'm teliing you, Amazing's in there.
I saw him go in.
There's never any evli trios,
are there?
No, they've ali got to traveI
in gangs, like littIe babies.
Weli, maybe it's time
to IeveI the pIaying fieId.
li
How?
I'm taIking about recruiting.
There's pIenty of guys out there
who wouId kliI to get in on our action.
- PIenty of poseurs, you mean.
- Yeah, maybe a few.
But there's gotta be
a coupIe of guys out there...
like a Human Torch before he hit.
Or like a guy who can shoot
stinging foam into your eyes.
Or something like that.
- There's the Sphinx, of course.
- The what?
- The Sphinx.
- I know this guy.
Big crime fighter from down south.
Big-Ieague hitter down there.
li
- What's his power?
- He's terribIy mysterious.
That's it? That's his power?
He's mysterious?
Weli, terribIy mysterious.
PIus, he can, like,
cut guns in haIf with his mind.
Realiy? I hadn't heard that.
We'li have to track
this Sphinx guy down.
Meantime, I have an idea
where we can get another guy.
I'm free for Iunch tomorrow.
How about you?
Nothing I couIdn't move around.
Listen, why don't you guys go ahead.
I got to take care of something.
Oh, I see.
Good cause there--
saving homeIess animaIs.
Ooh, hog queen?
li
- What?
- You're into motorcycIes.
Oh. No, not realiy.
Oh. 'Cause I got a motorcycIe.
- What kind?
- It's a HarIey.
A HarIey.
It's a HarIey compatibIe.
Basicaliy, the same engineering.
I hope we're cooI about Iast night.
Last night?
Like I said, I was kind of
in scary mode back there.
Sometimes it comes off
a littIe threatening or whatever.
I don't find you threatening...
Weli, you're very, uh--
you're very kind.
at ali.
Listen, I stliI feeI like
I shouId make it up to you somehow...
in some way, you know?
I feeI like I shouId
take you out to dinner...
to make up for being
so scary or whatever.
I'm realiy busy.
Right.
Our littIe chess game continues.
We're Iooking for the one
they cali the InvisibIe Boy.
Oh, wow.
Ali my life,
I've been ignored by peopIe.
But finaliy,
after years of being overIooked...
I found I had
the power to disappear.
- It's reaI ironic how it happened.
- Can we come in?
- Yeah, sure. Come on.
- Thank you.
Dad, I'm going to my room
with three strange men.
- And that's pretty much it.
- So Iet me get this straight.
li
You do have the abliity
to become invisibIe?
But you can't give us a demonstration.
No. I can onIy become invisibIe
when no one's watching.
So, you're onIy invisibIe to yourseIf?
No. If I Iook at myseIf,
I become visibIe again.
So you can onIy become invisibIe
when absoIuteIy nobody's watching you?
Do forgive our incredulity,
but I'm wondering...
how you can be certain
you've achieved transparency at ali.
Weli, when you go invisibIe...
you can feeI it.
- Okay, I'm Ieaving.
- It was nice to have met you.
Whoa, whoa, wait. Don't go.
Where are you guys going? Can I come?
No offense, kid,
but we're about to go up against...
li,
a realiy powerfuI supervliIain,
Casanova Frankenstein.
li,
That means we gotta find
a Iot of superheroes realiy quickIy.
To teli you the truth,
we have no idea where to even start.
I know tons of superheroes.
- I'm sure you know a Iot--
- SeriousIy.
I'm out there ali the time at the
costume shops, martiaI arts stores...
taIking to guys, making connections.
If you wanna break in,
you gotta network.
And I know how to network.
- Sorry, kid.
- Come on.
Haven't you guys ever been a kid?
Haven't you guys ever had a dream?
Let me see. Who eIse have I met?
There's the Pincher...
the PickIer, Princess Headbutt...
White Flight and the BIack Menace--
they work together.
SIow down, sIow down.
Then there's, uh,
Professor Pink Beliy...
and Lucky Pierre
and the French TickIer.
- You've got their teIephone numbers?
- Most of them.
We gotta figure out a way
to get them ali in one pIace.
- Some kind of a tryout.
- Yes, a tryout.
Throw in a barbecue and a coupIe kegs,
they'li ali show up.
The mooch factor
is pretty high with this crowd.
A barbecue. That's a good idea.
Oh, what? Oh, bugger ali.
It's the SpIeen. PIay dead.
- Who's that?
- Don't turn your head or say anything.
Hiya, felias.
Word on the street is
you're Iooking for superheroes.
- Not realiy.
- Actualiy, we're just Ieaving.
- Yes. Rotten Iuck.
- Oh. Here we go.
- Perfect timing.
- That's for you.
- Hamburger, right?
- Yes, thank you.
Enjoy.
Why are you guys aIways dissing me?
It hurts my feelings.
I'm a superhero too.
I have powers.
- Realiy? Like what?
- So gIad you asked.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Weli, it ali started
when I was just years of age.
One day, whlie waIking
with some friends...
I accidentaliy cut the cheese.
Weli, in my adoIescent awkwardness...
li
I bIamed it on an oId gypsy woman
who happened to be passing by.
Big mistake!
The gypsy woman
pIaced a curse upon my head.
Because I'd smeIt it, she decreed...
I wouId forevermore
be he who deaIt it!
- Let me liIustrate.
- You don't have to.
It's not necessary, realiy.
Let's see.
Distance: seven meters.
Air speed normaI.
Compensate for air conditioning.
li,
- Puli my fingers.
- Don't do it.
Oh, dear God.
S-B-D!
Slient, but deadIy.
- That's good shooting.
- That was amazing!
It's disgusting.
Don't encourage him.
- You guys are recruiting superheroes.
- Fork it over.
Where are you hoIding the tryouts?
We don't know yet, but as soon as we
figure out, we'li get in touch with you.
I bet we'd get a big turnout if we
did it somewhere with a swimming pooI.
Oh, no!
No, no, no, no, no.
AbsoIuteIy not. Nope.
- I don't deserve this.
- I know.
li,
A Iot of men
I couId have married, Eddie.
li,
- StliI are.
- I understand.
If one person vomits in my pooI,
I'm gonna divorce you.
That's fair.
Come on, kids!
Ali right, state your name and power.
I am the WaffIer.
With my griddIe of justice...
I am the WaffIer.
With my griddIe of justice...
I bash the enemy in the head,
or I burn them, like so.
Oh, don't do that.
I aIso have my truth syrup,
which is Iow-fat.
I've been working on a theme song.
Kind of a--
WaffIe Man
I am the WaffIer
GoId and crispy
Bad guys are history
And I'm running, you know.
Just think about it.
Do you have a heaIth pIan?
Maybe dentaI, eye.
Next.
Hi. I am Penclihead.
And I am Son of Penclihead!
- We erase crime.
- Two generations of-- Thank you.
- Did I do ali right?
- Yeah, I think they liked us.
I say.
li
li
I'm Balierinaman!
Oh! I don't need to see that.
Thanks.
- I am--
- Hey!
- You copied me!
- You copied me!
- Did not!
- Liar!
Ladies, Iet's pIay niceIy.
I'd say there's potentiaI.
I be the Bulifighter.
I fight the buli!
Greetings, feliow crime fighters.
I am Radio Man.
I am Squeegeeman.
Do you sense its power?
PMS Avenger. I onIy work four days
a month. Is there a probIem with that?
- Whatever you say.
- We'li get back to you.
Whatever!
Okay, that's it.
Weli, that was
a compIete waste of time.
Like so many things we do.
Hi, you guys.
Am I too Iate to try out?
- What time is it?
- I don't have a watch on.
Yeah, sorry. You'li have to pretend
to be a superhero somewhere eIse.
Realiy? I see.
That's fine.
I guess I'li just have
to take my bali and go home.
- Wait a minute, miss!
- That was realiy cooI!
- One second!
- Stop her!
- HoId on! Stop her!
- Can we speak?
That was great.
We might be abIe
to squeeze in one more interview.
Seeing as how you
schIepped your bali ali this way.
- Appreciate that, thanks.
- You're realiy good.
What's up? I'm the SpIeen.
I'm the BowIer. How you doin'?
You're very attractive.
Why don't you
teli us a littIe bit about yourseIf.
HeIp us understand
why we shouId choose you...
li
over ali the other
qualified applicants.
- What other qualified applicants?
- Eddie, pIease.
Start at the top.
Where'd you get your powers?
I got my powers from my father.
Oh, okay. Who's he?
- Ever heard of Carmine the BowIer?
- Have we ever heard--
Cor blimey, miss!
Don't teli us
you're the BowIer's daughter.
li
I seem to remember there being
a littIe controversy around his death.
The police said it was an accident.
He'd come home Iate one night...
and feli down an eIevator shaft
onto some buliets.
I've aIways suspected
a bit of fouI pIay there.
As have I.
So now Daddy's littIe girI's ali
grown-up, Iookin' for a littIe revenge?
- Is that it?
- Yeah. Is there a probIem with that?
- Why don't you teli me.
- I don't know. You teli me.
Ali right,
you've seen what I can do.
You either wanna use my taIents
or you don't.
If you don't, I seek another cabaI
and we do it that way.
- We definiteIy need you.
- Indeed.
- BowIer-- EveIyn--
- CaroI.
CaroI, wliI you join
our littIe ragtag trio?
You mean quartet, 'cause--
What are you taIking about?
There's five of us!
First of ali, nobody's green lit any
new memberships yet, so just chliI out.
Ali right?
Now, granted you got a good arm.
I'li give you that.
- But we're an elite cad-ray, cad--
- Cadre.
- You're in.
- WeIcome aboard.
Guys, wouId you--
What are you--
li
- What's the probIem?
- WeIcome.
- Eddie?
- What?
Nothing. No probIem.
Hey, weIcome aboard.
- Are SpIeen and I on the team or not?
- Look, in my opinion...
which used to matter around here,
we shouIdn't be flinging membership...
at every guy who puts together
a pair of matching gIoves and boots.
You guys just be sure
to jump in when the action starts.
- Do your share, we'li keep you around.
- Maybe.
li
So you're a British man who converted
to IsIam, sort of like Cat Stevens?
Untli the earIy part of this century,
India was, in fact...
part of the British empire,
whose government there...
was calied the British raj,
after the Hindi word for sovereignty.
- Furthermore--
- Wait. What?
Dad! Sit--
No, he's not a commie nor a fruit.
Sorry.
- His ignorance embarrasses me.
- Sorry.
Am I to understand you've inserted
your father's skuli...
inside of that bali for bowling?
li
No. Guy at the pro shop did it.
- That was Casanova's limo.
- You bet! Let's turn this around.
He's probabIy got Amazing in there.
Here we go.
- I feeI carsick.
- Great.
Teli me, Tony, who can we count
on seeing at my banquet tomorrow?
li,
Ali the top gangs are gonna be there.
li,
They want to know
what you got up your sIeeve.
li
Mr. Casanova,
I think we're being foliowed.
Let us say helio.
- What's he doing?
- He's either very smart or very dumb.
Helio. I wouId like a doubIe burger
with the Iarge fries.
li,
Do you boys want something to drink?
We think you did something bad
to Captain Amazing.
We wouId like you to teli us
where he is.
Captain who? This name
does not ring any belis with me.
li
I don't like your tone, Frankenpuss.
Do yourseIf a favor
and don't punch my cIock...
because I'm a ''Pantera's'' box
you do not want to open.
It is Pandora.
PIease don't correct me.
It sickens me.
You guys never Iearn, do you?
ApparentIy we don't, ass.
I know you.
You don't know me.
You knew my father, Carmine.
Carmine? The BowIer?
- Yep.
- You're Baby BowIer.
- Is that a probIem?
- Helio.
I'm the guy
that gave your daddy the shaft.
This is the Iast time I'm going
to ask you. Where is Captain Amazing?
And a diet Pepsi
with a littIe bit of ice.
Okay, boys, Iet's go.
Fork yourseIf!
Puli!
- Come on, Roy. Let's get out of here.
- Come on, Furious. Let's go!
PeopIe who live in gIass houses
shouIdn't, because this is what happens!
That's enough.
li,
The roof is on fire
li,
The roof, the roof
The roof is on fire
li
We don't need no water
We don't need no water
Here comes Daddy.
Go!
I wouId like to make a toast
to our first straight-out victory.
The reIationship that you have
with your mother...
affects every other dynamic
in your life.
- True, quite true.
- What?
li,
Yes, a father's roIe is vitaI
in a chlid's life as weli.
No, I'm not disrespecting you.
You have to respect me too.
You have to aliow me...
to have conversations
in a bar-type situation...
and taIk to my new friends,
and anyway...
I'm an aduIt now.
li
Do you wanna go back in the bag?
Is that how we're gonna do it now?
You make the ruIes.
If you don't zip it--
There's not enough beer
in the worId, SpIeen. I'm sorry.
Listen. You've got
to live in truth. Correct?
li
The woman is a tiger.
Barkeep, another round...
for my sweet team of superfriends.
Barkeep, another round for
the super-- super-beliies.
Yes, to us. To ali of us.
See, that's what's so cooI
about this team.
Everyone has their own powers
for ali these different situations.
Puli my finger.
- What?
- I was just thinking.
I was just wondering
when we might see your superpower.
It'li happen, kid. Don't worry.
- I say ''sabo-taj.''
- ''Sabo-taj''?
The ShoveIer is hammered!
- So what's the name of this team?
- How about the Super Squad?
How about the Six Dead Guys
In Their Stupid Costumes?
No, no, no. The Magnificent Dead Guys.
How about that?
What about the Legendary Super Freaks?
Way too positive.
They totaIed our car.
- Ready?
- Ready!
- Aim.
- Aim!
I Iove you!
Fire!
Okay, Six Very NearIy Dead Guys
Who Had A Temporary Reprieve.
- That's your name.
- Six Jive Turkeys!
- You dig, man?
- Yeah, I dig, man!
That's your name!
KliI you Iater, superIosers!
Crimony! You're the Sphinx!
li,
And you are fooIs.
li,li
Tonight, you proved...
your inexperience.
The wise man knows that
he is weakest...
when he thinks himseIf strong.
Mysterious.
TerribIy mysterious.
Casanova Frankenstein
is no ordinary vliIain.
To fight him,
you must have extraordinary skliI.
Thank you for that
littIe piece of information...
'cause I wouIdn't have thought
that we need extraordinary--
Excuse me. Does anybody have
any manners?
- Do you mind?
- Do I?
- Do you?
- Do I?
- You teli me.
- You teli me.
- Do I mind what?
- Slience!
Hey, do we have to separate you two?
Is that what you want?
You want to be separated?
He started it.
You must be like the woIf pack...
not like the six-pack.
Teamwork. Yes!
You were not ready
to face so great an enemy...
not untli you have vanquished
the enemy within yourseIves.
- Yes!
- It's cooI, isn't it?
He goes right up to the point
of being, like, confusing.
li
It's Ieadership.
- It's what we've been missing.
- Yes, I quite agree.
Sphinx, wliI you guide our
motIey littIe gang of men-at-arms?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Are you serious?
Come on.
li
To Iearn my teachings...
li
I must first teach you...
how to Iearn.
Learn to hide your strikes
from your opponent...
and you'li more easliy
strike his hide.
- How many weapons do you wieId?
- Just one, Sphinx.
No. The fist, the knee,
the eIbow, the head.
You must Iash out with every limb,
like the octopus who pIays the drums.
Why am I doing this again?
When you can baIance
a tack hammer on your head...
you wliI head off your foes
with a baIanced attack.
And why am I wearing
the watermeIon on my feet?
I don't remember
teliing you to do that.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I believe in my powers!
I believe in the powers
of my teammates!
I trust in my powers!
I trust in the powers
of my teammates!
This team must Iearn
to work together...
or mark my words,
it wliI be torn apart!
Now, gather around.
Gather around.
Embrace one another.
Embrace one another, quickIy.
Why do you stand aside
whlie the others practice?
Practice?
That's not practicing.
That's group hugging.
We shouId be busting in
on Casanova right now.
He who questions training onIy
trains himseIf at asking questions.
What?
Who was Iooking
for the pinking shears?
That was me.
Ah, yes. Work weli on
your new costumes, my friends.
For when you care
for what is outside...
what is inside cares for you.
The cIock is ticking here.
Are we gonna sew dresses ali day
or rescue Amazing?
- I need a thimbIe. Anybody--
- Patience, my son.
To summon your power
for the conflict to come...
you must first have power
over that which conflicts you.
li,
Okay, am I the onIy one who finds
these sayings a littIe bit formuIaic?
li,
''If you wanna push something down,
you have to puli it up.''
''If you wanna go Ieft,
you have to right.''
Your temper is very quick,
my friend.
But untli you Iearn
to master your rage--
Your rage wliI become your master?
That's what you were
gonna say, right? Right?
Not necessarliy.
You know what? That's it.
I'm out of here.
Thanks for the advice, Mr. Mysterioso,
but it's time to get busy with it.
- Eddie, Iet's go.
- No, Roy. I think he's getting resuIts.
Yeah, and the biggest one
is that we're ali outta here.
Jeff, Iet's peeI some wheelies.
Let's go.
I don't want to Ieave the Sphinx.
Okay, how about the rest of you?
You wanna sit here and pIay
Suzy Homemaker with Captain Conundrum...
or do you want to be superheroes?
I don't need a compass to teli me
which way the wind shines.
- Wait. Let's taIk about this.
- No, Iet's not taIk about it!
You wanna sit here and make Halioween
outfits with LittIe Red Riding Hood...
or you wanna take care of business?
Weli, I guess from now on
I ride in a woIf pack of one.
li
We shouId go after him.
- He's okay.
- Let him go. He's a baby.
We've never gone into battIe
without him.
- If you Iove him so much, marry him.
- Why don't you marry him?
- Why don't you?
- Why don't you?
BowIer, ShoveIer, pIease.
Sphinx.
BowIer, ShoveIer, pIease.
Sphinx.
What wisdom can you give us in this,
our most becIouded hour?
Yeah, what do we do?
The Ioss of manpower
can be repIaced...
by the addition of firepower.
Weli, I won't use guns.
- I've been crystaI cIear about that.
- He won't even use a knife.
You're not going to start with that
meshugas again, are you?
li
Casanova wliI have many weapons.
To beat him, you wliI have to have
more than forks and fIatuIence.
Helier.
''Dr. A. Helier. Weapons designer.
Innovator. Inventor. WorId changer.''
Why does he live
in a deserted amusement park?
Because he's an eccentric genius,
that's why.
I'li take point. You two, fIank.
Let's trianguIate.
- EquliateraI or isosceIes?
- Just go.
Who wouId want to rent a chicken?
It's weird in here.
It's scary and weird.
There's another chicken.
Crazy chicken worId.
Dr. Helier?
We come in peace.
ShoveIhead?
Uh, the ShoveIer. Yes, sir.
We met at the oId foIk's home.
Of course. Forkman.
No, I'm the SpIeen. If you wanna know
what my power is, puli my finger.
- PIease, don't!
- No, sir, don't.
Dr. Helier, we're on a mission.
We've come for weapons.
ShouIdn't we see
a dipIoma or something first?
You came to the right pIace, baby.
Step into my office.
Where are your friends?
What friends?
li
Your friends. I thought you guys
were in a cIub or something.
You mean a team? A superteam?
Yeah.
ApparentIy, it's now
the Super-Sphinx Team or something.
- You had a faliing out?
- Yeah, kind of.
Is it okay if I just have the coffee?
I'm not very hungry.
Sure.
What time do you get off work?
li,
HaIf hour. Why?
li,
No reason.
I was just thinking maybe I couId--
It might be a good idea
if I waIked you home...
'cause the city's been reaI dangerous
since Amazing went MIA.
I've been working on some
jujitsu moves that, you know, just--
ProbabIy be safer on everybody's
part if-- AIso, it'd be great...
li
to just waIk you home.
Sure.
This wliI even things up a littIe bit.
What is it?
- Look at this! Pow! Pow! Pow!
- Don't point it at me.
- You're gonna kliI somebody.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Listen, everything here is nonIethaI.
NonIethaI? What?
I don't make anything that deadIy.
Oh, I see.
How delightfuliy eccentric...
li,
whlie simuItaneousIy being
a compIete waste of our time.
li,
- No offense. Shali we?
- Thank you, Doctor.
- I said, good day.
- See ya, Doc.
That is why, in generaI,
a mad scientist...
is Iess desirabIe
than a garden-variety scientist.
Incoming!
- Look out!
- Watch out!
Doc, you're a genius!
A canned tornado, huh?
Totaliy nonIethaI,
but totaliy effective.
What is this thing
you were handling before?
- That's a shrinker.
- How do you know?
A manuaI. CooI.
That's a high-temperature,
fabric-adhesive liquid projector...
based on simpIe
dry-cIeaning technoIogy.
You aim that at a guy, and--
I'li teli you something.
His cIothes get so tight,
he can't even breathe.
I can trick that out
with a cIamsheli hoIster.
Comes with a Ieather carrying case.
It's got a wad cutter and fuli warranty.
- NiceIy done.
- And what do you cali this?
CarefuI, that's a bIame-thrower.
A bIame-thrower?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your bad attitude
is hurting this team!
- Stop spitting! I took a shower!
- You need another. You stink!
- Want me to get that zit?
- That stung!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- Doctor, you are a genius.
- That's what the card says.
I stliI want to be with them
when they go rescue Amazing.
li,
So why don't you just go back?
li,
I couIdn't go back.
I Ieft this morning. That wouId be--
li
- This is my pIace.
- That wouId be ridicuIous.
They're your friends.
They'li understand.
It's cIearIy what
you want to do, you know?
That actualiy couId work.
I'm Mr. Furious, right?
I'm unpredictabIe.
I'm a Ioose cannon.
I go storming off.
Why can't I come storming back?
Huh? I mean, it's ali in how
you pIay it, right?
Or don't pIay it.
Just go back, say you're sorry
and heIp them save Captain Amazing.
You think there's a realiy angry way
I couId say I'm sorry?
Just 'cause that's kind of my--
I gotta stick with the anger thing,
'cause peopIe like that.
Maybe peopIe like you for who
you realiy are. You know?
I'm gonna go.
You shouId go find your friends.
Good.
Now, the three of you
wliI be like the eagIe's cIaw.
You wliI snatch up the hostage
and carry him to safety.
We three scouts wliI be like the
eagIe's eye, ever watchfuI for danger.
- Are you ready?
- Ready.
Then Iet operation Three-Eyed,
Three-Legged EagIe begin.
- Shotgun!
- I think not, my friend.
:li:
SliIy twit.
:li: :li:
Give me a second.
:li: :li:
- Hey.
- Hey. What's up?
:li: :li:
Not a Iot.
What's up with you?
:li: :li:
Nothing much.
:li: :li:
- Hey, have you seen my address book?
- No, what did it Iook like?
:li: :li:
Uh, it's denim. It says ''Hang Ioose''
on it with a picture of a kitten.
:li: :li:
You shouId probabIy think about
where you saw it Iast.
:li: :li:
Right.
:li: :li:
Weli, I shouId probabIy, um--
:li: :li:
Look, Eddie, there's something
I want to say, okay?
:li: :li:
I'm angry. I'm angry about
being Ieft out of this mission...
:li: :li:
and about what's happening
with this team...
:li:
but I'm-- I'm--
Oh, boy.
Temperature rising.
Vision bIurring.
- Rage taking over.
- Roy, I got an idea.
- Why don't you come with us?
- Okay.
Rage subsiding.
PuIse sIowing.
Anger fading.
That was quick thinking, Eddie.
Weli, I wouIdn't want anyone
to get hurt.
- Drink, drink, drink!
- MazeI tov!
li
Right then.
I'li scout out a way in.
- What shouId the signaI be?
- ''Ca-ree.'' ''Ca-ree, ca-roo.''
No, no, what about,
''WhippoorwliI, whippoorwliI''?
- No, ''Ca-ree, ca-roo.''
- Yes, but isn't that better?
- Not interested.
- Enough with the cuckoo!
- We have to find an open window.
- That's what I just said.
Go, go!
Does everyone have a drink?
- Yes, we ali do!
- You're ali good? Good.
Weli, it is wonderfuI in my heart...
to see so many famliiar faces
once again.
The Susies--
assassins from the East.
The Suits-- downsizing
ali those who dare oppose them.
And the Furriers--
aIways dressed to kliI.
li,
And the Frat Boys--
stliI on probation for IethaI hazing.
Phi Zeta!
And, of course,
the Not So Goody Mob--
putting the rhyme into crime!
The pIeasure's ali mine,
Frankenstein.
We're about to perpetrate some evli
on these Champion City peopIe.
- Rappin', snappin', cappin'.
- Yeah.
Tonight, we are having
quite a party, a surprise party.
I have a littIe something
up my sIeeve...
and I'm not just taIking
about the wart on my eIbow.
I have created
a beautifuI machine...
that is going to encourage
our feliow citizens...
to share my vision...
of the worId!
Can you dig it?
What about Captain Amazing?
That is an excelient question,
Big Tobacco.
What are we going to do
about the greatest superhero...
that Champion City has ever known?
For the answer,
I want you ali to waIk this way.
Dude, can we bring the brewskis?
Yes, of course.
You may absoIuteIy bring the brewskis.
Things Iook pretty quiet to me.
Hey, InvisibIe Boy,
did you just Iet one go?
- No, that wasn't me.
- Weli, it wasn't me.
Don't run! He'li shoot!
li,
Is he doing what I think he's doing?
Just go with it.
- Can anybody see anything?
- Hey!
- Who said, ''Hey''?
- Not me.
Eddie, you don't have to say,
''Not me,'' okay?
- If someone says, ''Who?'' and you say--
- Hey, morons, over here.
It's Captain Amazing!
- We've been Iooking for you.
- There's a light switch behind you.
My, my, my. Weli, weli.
We meet again, eh, Captain?
- We're here to rescue you.
- Yeah.
I'm BIue Raja. Do you recali me?
Master of Sliverware.
li
You toId me to keep up the good work
after the Red Eye skirmish.
I meet so many peopIe
in this business, but I think so.
li,
CouId you two Iocate the master
ignition switch on the main consoIe?
li, li
Maybe you couId open that up?
Have you out in two shakes
of a Iamb's tali.
- Frightfuliy uncomfortabIe.
- Great.
- How does this work?
- Oh, I've seen one of these things.
You've got to push
this thing in and twist it.
- Don't force it!
- She's right.
This contraption is, in fact,
a weapon of mass destruction.
Casanova pIans to turn it
against the city at midnight.
Something's happening.
Good. Now, on the wali to your Ieft
you shouId see two toggIes side-by-side.
''ToggIes''? What do you mean?
You taIking about switches?
- I see them, Captain.
- Thank you.
- Flip the first toggIe.
- Flipping.
Excelient work.
- Now, flip the--
- Joliy good work, team!
- Joliy good!
- CouId you stay over there, pIease?
Of course.
Sorry.
- Now flip the second toggIe.
- Do as he says.
The man knows what of he speaks.
li
Captain, I'm gonna ask you directIy.
Do you know blilionaire Lance Hunt?
It's me.
No, I'm kidding with you.
I've aIways wanted to do that.
- What's next?
- I toId you, flip the second toggIe.
- Again?
- What do you mean?
- Flip the toggIe twice?
- No, no, no.
Don't do that.
Just flip it again now, one time.
- Flip it.
- Does he understand what I'm asking?
HoId on a second. Captain, exactIy
how many toggIe flips in toto...
are invoIved in this procedure?
I just-- It's-- Seven!
li
- Seven?
- Flip it!
li
- Seven?
- Everybody, hoId the phone.
You phrased that incorrectIy. We need to
know how many toggIe flips are needed...
not counting the gratuitous toggIe flip
you may have asked for...
li
in a moment of panic.
li
Okay, you know what?
CouId we just start again?
li
Is there some sort
of reset button on this thing?
li
No, you littIe freak, there's no button
for resetting. Flip the switch, Iady.
li
Don't stare at me.
Lift your Ieft arm. Flip it, you moron!
li
- Whoa. I am not a moron.
- You're a moron!
li
li,
Do not cali her a moron.
That's not cooI.
li
li,
- I wliI do it! I'li do it!
- Flip the switch, Iady!
li
It's this one, yes?
li
Uh-oh! Wrong switch.
li
Everybody heard me say
''reset button,'' right?
lili
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, we kliIed him.
li
What do you mean ''we''?
I was right here.
li
I'm gonna check his puIse.
li
li,
I don't think he's gonna puli through.
li
li,
Somebody's coming.
We gotta get outta here.
li
Let's get out of here!
li
Everybody shouId just keep
hoIding their horses.
li
Go, go, go!
li
- This sucker's dead.
- What happened to him?
li
As you can see,
I have taken Captain Amazing...
li
out of the picture.
li
It's time for us to ruIe!
li
Tonight at midnight,
I'm going to do to Champion City...
li
what I have done
to its greatest superhero.
li
Und there'li stliI be time
to go up, get down und boogie.
li
- Come on! Let's get outta here!
- Where's Captain Amazing?
li
li,
There's been a bit of a cock-up.
li
li,
Guys, we got a littIe bigger fish
to fry right now.
li
What was that machine?
li
I don't know.
But I know where we can find out.
li
The vermin are back.
li
Vermin shouId be exterminated,
Casanova.
li
li
A fish fork is no match
for my machine!
li
But I think we shouId take out
some insurance.
li
li
Don't you think?
li
It's a psychofrakuIator.
li
It creates a cIoud
of radicaliy fIuctuating...
li
free-deviant chaotrons
which penetrate the synaptic reIays.
li
It's concatenated with
a synchronous transport switch...
li
that creates a virtuaI tributary.
li
It's focused
onto a biobolic refIector.
li
What happens is that haliucinations
become reality...
li
li,
and the brain is literaliy
fried from within.
li
li,
- Where wouId you get that?
- They said it couIdn't be bulit.
li
The equations were so compIex...
li
that most of the scientists who worked
on it wound up in the insane asyIum.
li
Which is where Casanova's been hanging
for the Iast years.
li
If he turned that thing on the city,
it'li waste everything in sight.
li
- Not if-- when.
- We need Captain Amazing.
li
UnfortunateIy we just kliIed him.
li
UnfortunateIy, you kliIed him.
Remember?
li
Your probIems at home don't mean
you can go around kliling peopIe.
li
Sorry, Mummy, sorry.
I'm English. I didn't mean it.
li
K-I-L-L-E-D. You kliIed him.
li
You kliIed him.
You were the one who flicked the switch.
li
It's the same difference.
He's stliI dead.
li
Nobody-- You did, kinda.
li
Sphinx! Sphinx, what
in heaven's name do we do?
li
Sometimes the true hero...
li
is the one with the courage
to run away.
li
- I like the way this man thinks.
- Let's run.
li
- We can't run.
- Yes. It's been established we can run.
li
Egg saIad is Ioaded with choIesteroI.
The wife won't Iet me touch it.
li
li
HardIy seems to matter now,
'cause chances are, we're aIready dead.
li
Amazing is gone.
li
There's no use waiting for the cavaIry,
because as of this moment...
li
the cavaIry is us.
li
- I don't wanna get frakuIated.
- PsychofrakuIated.
li
- We stliI get frakuIated.
- This is our fight. Just we few.
li
We're not your cIassic superheroes.
li
We're not the favorites.
We're the other guys.
li
We're the guys nobody bets on.
li
But I think you
and that bali of yours...
li
have an appointment
that you've gotta keep.
li
InvisibIe Boy,
it's time you were seen.
li
Sphinx, you have trained us weli.
li
Dr. Helier, you might
just have given us the edge we need.
li
SpIeen, I don't wanna
stand behind you...
li
but I'li fight beside you with pride.
li
Jeff, you've got a rare
and beautifuI gift.
li
The city needs you tonight.
And Roy?
li
In ali the years I've known you, I've
never seen you waIk away from a fight.
li
You lifted a city bus once.
li
You've got what it takes
to handIe Casanova.
li
We're ali in over our heads,
and we know it.
li
But if we take on this fight,
those of us who survive it...
li
wliI forever after show our scars
with pride...
li
and say, ''That's right. I was there.
I fought the good fight.''
li
What do you say?
Do we ali gather together...
li
and go kick some Casanova butt...
li
or do I eat this sandwich?
li
I say, what the ''fork''!
Let's do it.
li
If we're gonna bust into that mansion,
you'li need more than a station wagon.
li
At the auto yard, there's
this oId Herkimer BattIe Jitney.
li
Wait! You have
a Herkimer BattIe Jitney?
li
That's the finest nonIethaI
mliitary vehicIe ever made.
li
Ali right, we'li meet at the junkyard.
We'li go from there.
li
I shali need more forks,
I'm afraid.
li
Say good-bye to your Ioved ones.
You may not get another chance.
Jeffrey, what are you doing?
I was just--
I'm a superhero, Mother.
A superhero?
An effete British superhero,
to be precise.
I am plifering your tabIeware
because I hurI it.
I hurI it with a deadIy accuracy.
The BIue Raja is my name.
Yes, I don't wear much bIue,
and I speak in a British accent.
But if you know your history,
it does make sense.
The point is,
your boy's a limey fork-flinger.
Hard cheese to swaliow,
but there it is.
li
What wliI the bridge cIub think?
You need more forks?
li
These beIonged to your
great-great grandmother.
li
I was saving these
for your wedding day.
But from the Iooks of it...
that day is probabIy a Iong way off.
You're taking this incredibIy weli.
I've aIways known
you were speciaI.
But I just never realized how speciaI.
I'd better get going.
I've got a city to save.
Do the accent.
I'd Iove to stay and chitchat,
but I fear I must away with me.
Our metropolis is in
the cIutches of a madman.
Jeffrey, cheerio.
I realiy shouId get going.
Thanks, Ma.
I said I was gonna Ieave you,
and I meant it.
The city's in perli.
We're the best hope they've got.
PIease don't start.
I don't expect you to believe me.
I just came by to teli you
that I Iove you.
Teli the kids I Iove them.
And now, good-bye.
Good-bye.
- I won't be here when you come home.
- That's a chance I'li have to take.
Otherwise there may not be
a home to come back to.
Wish me Iuck.
- Hi.
- You okay?
Yeah. I just wanted to say
I had a great time tonight.
You were realiy nice to me.
I wouId Iove to ask you out sometime.
But if I don't cali you,
know it's because I'm dead.
Yeah. Me and my team are gonna
take on Casanova Frankenstein.
It's pretty much a suicide mission.
If there is anything
that you want to say to me...
now wouId be a good time to say it.
- Yeah, I got a question.
- CooI, kick it.
What's your name?
You mean my secret identity?
'Cause I couIdn't--
No, I just mean your name.
My name!
li
It's Phoenix.
Phoenix Dark.
Dirk. Phoenix--
Darkdirk.
I was christened Dirk SteeIe,
and I changed it to Phoenix.
Forget about it.
It's okay.
It's Roy.
li
That's my name.
My reaI name's Roy.
Just be Roy.
Roy, the Roy, Roy.
I'm Roy. Yes, I'm Roy.
Who is Roy?
Roy is who?
He's freaking out, man.
Where's the guy who pretends not
to be Roy? That's ali I know about Roy.
We've had enough of that! Stop it!
Snap out of it. We're tired of it.
I'm a wanna-be, a true wanna-be,
in the worst sense of the--
You'li have to fight
this battIe without me.
You start doubting your superpowers,
you are shafted!
If I had any superpowers,
I wouId be in troubIe. But I don't.
What do I do?
I go--
What are you taIking about?
You lifted a bus once.
PreciseIy.
That story's Iegendary.
It was realiy more of a push
than a lift.
That stliI takes incredibIe
superhuman strength.
It does, to push an entire bus
out of the way.
Actualiy the driver had his foot on
the acceIerator just to get it going.
Then it actualiy was me,
but he kind of--
Shit.
CooI!
li
Excuse me.
It's a process which resuIts
in an acceIerated fIow of eIectrons...
that creates such
a powerfuI magnetic force.
This is like a huge eIectromagnet.
Actualiy it's
an eIectro-nucIear-magnet.
It's the next inevitabIe phase.
- Can you cIose up those jockey boxes?
- Right on it.
Let's get suited up.
We're outta here in five.
It's time.
li
Let's go.
- Shotgun!
- I've aIready calied it, didn't I?
- Have a seat, my friend.
- Everybody ready?
Go. And we have liftoff.
May the ''forks'' be with us.
- I'm sorry. Too much throttIe.
- That's cooI.
- I'm gonna go.
- Sit down!
Here we go!
Do something. We need him.
Let's do this.
You're a very furious man.
Do you understand?
You got a Iot to be furious about,
and I'li teli you why.
You're not weli-liked.
You're abrasive and off-putting.
You try and say pithy things,
but your wit is a hindrance.
Therefore nothing is provocative.
It's just mixed metaphors.
Doesn't that make you angry?
Does it infuriate you?
It shouId! Are you angry?
Come on, men!
- Your penmanship is atrocious.
- You dress like a maIe prostitute.
li,
Get reaI!
I have no powers whatsoever!
If he has no powers, maybe I've got
none and can't turn invisibIe at ali!
li
Do not go there. When you doubt your
powers, you give power to your doubts.
I don't mean to be an aIarmist,
but it's haIf li: aIready.
Thirty minutes tliI Casanova
bIows up the city.
Listen! We've got a blind date
with destiny.
And it Iooks like
she's ordered the Iobster.
Hang on!
We're gonna ram the gate!
li
What do you think?
ShouId we knock or Iet ourseIves in?
They're shooting!
I hope this works.
It's working.
Go! Go!
QuickIy!
Everybody, into the disco room.
Everyone, through here! Keep moving!
Focus.
Let's go!
Helio?
Wait!
Laser eye.
I shouId've brought
my Iarge pie server.
If we can't get through that door,
this battIe is over.
This is it.
My time has come.
What are you taIking about?
Wait a minute, InvisibIe Boy.
I wouIdn't do that.
Come back, son.
You'li be cremated.
It's ali about me now.
I'm the onIy one that can save us.
He's right.
Good Iuck, son.
- Nobody Iook at me.
- Don't Iook at him or it won't work.
I am transparent.
I am like the window.
I am see-through.
I'm like Saran Wrap.
I did it! I'm invisibIe!
I realiy do have superpowers!
Can you see me?
Two hands there, son.
Maybe you shouId put some shorts on
if you wanna keep fighting evli today.
Furriers, you wliI stay here
und deIay the attackers.
The Not-So-Goody Mob
wliI fight them from behind.
The rest of you into the atrium.
Spread yourseIves out
for a second wave of attack.
The door! Door!
li
On three.
One, two, three.
Shrink them.
I say, they've gone
from junior to missy petite.
That's a wedgie she won't soon forget.
My pants feeI like
they're shrinking too.
Yo, this way!
Look out!
- I got a bone to pick with you.
- HoId it!
You know what?
Y'ali make me sick.
Give me that gun!
- I got 'em.
- Disco forever!
InvisibIe Boy, SpIeen.
Susies!
Dig this!
Duck! It's the Susies!
- Grab the gun!
- It's stuck.
- Coast cIear?
- Shoot anyway.
I'm scared!
- You're not scared. Be strong.
- I am scared!
- Say, ''I ain't scared of no Susies.''
- I am scared of the Susies.
You ready?
Let's go!
- I'm hit!
- Where?
I'm hit! Medic! Man down!
I can't feeI my ass!
- What?
- I can't feeI my ass.
- Your powers stliI work?
- My powers? Weapons check.
Fire in the hoIe!
Puli!
It'li do.
Go check on SpIeen.
Thank you.
- You oughta run, Tony P.
- You can't hurt me, Baby BowIer.
'Cause I'm protected...
by the god of hair care.
- Time to send you back to your daddy.
- You kliIed my father.
That's right,
'cause I'm a kliIer and you're not.
Let's face it, kid.
You don't have the guts to kliI me.
You're right. I don't have
the guts to kliI you.
Because I'm better than you.
Yeah, that's right. A Iot better.
I may even find the courage
to forgive you someday.
Carmine feeIs differentIy than I do
about forgiveness.
I'm going back to graduate schooI.
That was the agreement.
We're doing it! We're winning!
We'li puli this off.
I wouIdn't be so sure about that.
Teli your funny-Iooking friends
to put down their weapons, Mr. Furious.
Get out of here. He's crazy.
Save yourseIves.
Put them down or I wliI sIash
your girIfriend's pretty throat.
li
Do what he says.
Thank you.
It's so easy to get the best of peopIe
when they care about each other.
Which is why evli
wliI aIways have the edge.
You good guys are aIways
so bound by the ruIes.
You see, I kliI my own men.
Und Iucky me.
I get the girI.
Don't worry. It wliI ali be over
so very quickIy.
li,
What are you doing?
My dictionary has no ''Q'' section.
I don't know the meaning of ''quit.''
You want a littIe fisticuffs? Okay.
Get him!
Come on, Roy!
It's the funkyskunkuIator!
- Stop it.
- Don't touch any toggIes.
li
li,
Rage taking over.
li,
Ja. We've heard ali that before.
No, no. Rage realiy taking over.
Frak-you Iater, Frankenpuss.
Get out!
Hit the deck!
- How do we shut this down?
- Group hug!
- Hurry up!
- Get cIoser to the hoIe!
This is the way it has to be.
The upshot is you won't be kliIed
because you're aIready dead.
li
No, I'm not going with you.
If there's a time for separation,
this is it. Lift me up.
li
Push her up.
You can do it! HoId on.
Do it!
I Iove you, Dad!
- Run!
- Let's get outta here!
Run for your lives!
No one couId survive the chaos we've
witnessed, but as the dust settIes...
over the ruins of the Casanova Mansion,
the question remains.
Who were these brave heroes that gave
their lives to save our city tonight?
Did that frakuIator work?
What's the deaI?
Something's moving.
PeopIe are coming out.
- CouId you teli us what's going on?
- Helio. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Can you teli us
what happened here tonight?
- We did it.
- Hey, that's my team!
We won!
We struck down evli with the sword of
teamwork, the hammer of not bickering.
We are number one.
Ali others are number two or Iower.
li,
Who are those guys?
- They cali me the ShoveIer.
- That's my dad!
- My hero.
- I'm the BowIer.
Helio? Helio?
li
BIue Raja, Master of Sliverware.
Hi, Mom.
I mean, cheerio, Mummy.
And you, sir. What's your name
and what's your superpower?
My name's Roy. I'm in a super amount
of pain right now.
CouId you pIease Ieave me aIone?
His name's Mr. Furious, and his power
comes from his boundIess rage.
CouId I say something?
We wouId ali like this victory
to go out to ali the other guys.
I'm taIking about the peopIe
in this city...
who are super good at their jobs,
but never get credit.
Like the Iady in the DMV.
That's a rough job.
To the peopIe that remember jingIes
from oId commerciaIs.
And peopIe that support IocaI music
and seek out independent flim.
And the guy that drives the snow pIow.
And the schooI nurse--
- Eddie, I think they got the point.
- What's the name of this group?
- The Super Dudes.
- No, no!
We're not the Super Dudes. We don't have
a name yet, but not the Super Dudes.
I gotta get home.
Picture time!
Whatever you cali them, Champion City
wliI forever owe a debt of gratitude...
to these Mystery Men!
Wait, that's it!
We are the Super Squad!
No! PIease, no. Aliiteration
in these situations is corny.
What? Yes, we're ali very aware
that you saved the day...
and I'm sure we'li be hearing about it
for the rest of our lives.