Nine Lives Of Fritz The Cat
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Nine Lives Of Fritz The Cat
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie based on the
Robert Crumb comic book. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Nine Lives Of Fritz The Cat. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Jump back, baby.
Fritz, did you go down and
see the welfare people today?
Yeah. They told me to report
someplace tomorrow.
I got it written down
on a piece of paper, I think.
Listen, are you gonna go?
I don't know. Let's fuck.
Then will you go out and
look for a job like you said?
What? Did I say that?
Man, oh, man, am I stoned!
How is it a grown man
can spend so much time...
just dreaming about what
he's gonna do for his family?
For Christ's sakes!
Will you come down to Earth?
What we need is
the basic staff of life!
Like grub!
I never saw anybody walking
around more stoned than you.
Always stoned!
Where do you get the money
to buy that grass?
Will you tell me?
You and your Acapulco Gold.
You know what that is?
That's shit!
Which is what you are!
You are shit, Fritz!
Here's something you don't know.
Harvey and I made it.
What do you think of that?
We made it, and he's better
in bed than you are.
You know why?
He's hung like a horse.
What about you?
You're nothing.
You're nothing
in the living room.
You're nothing
in the bathroom.
You're nothing in bed.
You don't even change the damn
roller on the toilet paper.
I'm the one
that uses that mostly.
And what about
putting the seat down?
Why don't you ever do that?
Why don't you take that
chicken-shit grin off your face?
Fritz! You're a no-good!
How much can a person take?
And why don't you ever
put the goddamn seat down...
when you're through peeing?
You rotten putz, you!
That's all you do is sit around.
I never saw anything like it
in my entire life!
You know what
I would like to do to you?
I would like to take you
and shake you...
until all your teeth
fall right onto the floor...
and then you know what I'd do?
I'd stamp on them,
all the teeth...
and I'd make them
right into powder.
And then I'd sprinkle the powder
right over your head.
And then I would knock you
right in the goddamn face!
I'd like to pulverize you!
I'd take your nose...
and I'd put it across
the room on the wall.
I'd like to knock you
into next week sometimes!
This is it, Fritz.
I'm really sore.
Now, I'm really sore.
I am sick to death!
I'm gonna tell you one time
and one time only...
so you better listen to me...
because if you don't
listen to me now...
I ain't gonna say it again.
I'll go out and get myself
a two by four...
and beat your fucking head in!
You are gonna pick up
after yourself.
From now on, I'm through
picking up after you.
And you will put the seat down
on that goddamn toilet!
I'm telling you one time
and one time only.
You're a no-good bum,
and I've had it with you, Fritz!
I have had it with you!
And let me tell you
something else.
I know you play around.
Don't try to lie to me.
You don't even have
a guilty look on your face.
You really don't give a goddamn.
I know that
you're playing around.
Don't think I haven't seen you.
I get telephone calls
from girls.
They call me up.
God knows why they want you.
Don't they know
how shitty you are in bed?!
Hey, man, don't do that.
What? Do what?
You know what I'm talking about.
What the hell
are you laying on me, man?
I ain't laying
nothing on you, man.
It's what you laid on me.
No need to be crude.
God damn it,
you freaking out or something?
Look, Juan, if we can
just cash this welfare check...
we can get us some Rip Bull
or maybe even some muscatel.
Kiss off, dude!
That's your problem.
You ain't got the guts
to admit when you're wrong.
You just passed gas at me, man,
and that's uncool.
Oh, wow.
Don't have the guts to confess
you're a goddamn coward.
You're just like my sister.
Well, you P.R.s
are hypersensitive, you know?
I thought you and me
were friends.
A little wig out,
I'm a religion now, huh?
A P.R., huh? Nice.
Hey, about your sister,
Juan...
does she have big tits?
I wish you people
would learn to speak English.
Christ knows we were here first.
It's the only way I talk to
a man who has habits like a pig.
Man, don't be that way.
Let's get some wine
and go see your sister...
and maybe we can get it on.
Beats the hell out of
freezing our balls off, right?
No deal, man.
I can't trust you no more.
I can't let you
fuck my sister, you know?
You got no class, man.
You wouldn't let me
fuck your sister.
Why should I let you
fuck mine?
Listen, your sister
is some piece of ass.
I know, man. Yeah.
My sister?
Wow, man,
I can't believe that.
Yeah, man,
you better believe it.
She was a female creature
of tender passion...
of simple earthen charm,
you know?
Wow, dude, that's good.
Yeah, you could say that.
Juan, you better get back
in the phone booth again.
I feel a fart coming on.
Check it out.
We done came
all the way across town...
done caught busses and cars
and hitchhiked to get here...
then put on
our best clothes...
so we can walk
in this neighborhood...
so we can get in one
of these white houses...
to rip off one of them
$ televisions...
one of them $ watches...
one of them
Panasonic, rena-sonic...
exto-sonic,
plesto-plastic stereos.
With the quadro-flex,
modu-lextic...
medu-modula needles
and shit...
Big-time shit, man.
I ain't never heard
of nothing like that.
You ain't in
this community, blood!
That's why we came here,
you know what I'm saying?
You don't know
what you doing, man.
I also be doing this big-time
organizing and shit.
You ripping off washing machines
and toilet paper.
Unusual odd shit.
Now you know why we here.
OK, now...
we gonna crawl in this here
window, all right?
You take the downstairs,
and I'll take the upstairs.
Why is it that I always
got to take the downstairs?
Beause you don't like
jumping out of windows, man.
Shit!
Now, will you
cut that out, Fritz?
Hey!
The beauty of cannabis.
And then once we get inside,
get everything--
don't get no washing machines--
then leave.
Somebody's home!
Doesn't it fill you with joy?
Is that cat smoking?
The unfettered exuberance,
the lust for life?
It makes you...
Look how
he's smoking weed.
want to drop
your phony inhibitions...
and love your fellow man?
Look at that chick
with them titties!
Or brother, maybe.
Doesn't it? Huh?
It is Juan's sister.
Don't you kind of see things
more clearly, huh?
That's right.
Take a good, long drag, sis.
Now breathe in the smoke.
Deep.
It'll help clear your sinuses.
Hey, I feel light-headed.
That is Juan's sister, man!
He's going to the store!
Looks like a feature film,
you know what I mean?
Right on.
Will it really
expand my...awareness?
Well, you know what they say...
"Take tea and see."
Doesn't clear my sinuses at all.
Daddy says you're only good
for getting the papers.
Is that all
you're good for, Fritz?
That's some kick, huh?
You know the most interesting
thing about smoking?
It causes
excessive perspiration...
and a person has to take
off all his clothes.
Otherwise, he can drown
to death in his own juices.
Now, this activity
is like artificial respiration.
Smoke some more of this shit.
Fuck them.
If I get up in this pad,
I got the downstairs--
-Hold it in.
-I'll knock it out.
You'd knock it out, you'd what?
I love my brother's friends.
Man, he ought to put a bag
over that ugly bitch's head.
Stick her head
in the couch, man.
Before I stick
my thing in her...
-Look at them fuck.
-Man, hold up.
Makes me kind of horny, man.
-Yeah.
-Let's rob.
Duck, man. There's a car
coming up the driveway.
I bet it's her old man.
Is this good for the liver?
Oh, Fritz. That's good!
Chita!
That's the ugliest motherfucker.
Daddy!
Look at
that snaggle-toothed...
big, greasy, fucking nasty pig.
Gee, pops, maybe I should
go get the papers, huh?
Papers?! Why, you, you!
Little son of a bitch.
What do you want, pops,
News or the Times?
Pink commie bastard!
Shit.
I guess you killed him,
right in the ass.
I guess we can't
rob this pad today, huh?
We'll come back tomorrow.
My sister was once
in psychoanalysis.
She says you're a boy
who would fuck his mother.
And what have you
done for Ralphie?
Other than to teach him
how to masturbate?
And left-handed, no less.
You must be new around here.
I haven't seen your face before.
My old lady kicked me
out of the house.
I've had this streak
of bad luck lately...
and she's been making noise
I should go find work.
What'd you say,
something about work?
Everybody knows
that's what kills a man.
Starts out
with an eight-hour day...
forty hours a week...
and, hell, boy,
before you know it...
you're married to some fine-ass
woman and buying a house.
I'll help you.
Yeah, that's terrible.
Work is terrible.
What the hell
do you get for it, anyway?
Jeez, I don't know.
It's just money is all.
It's evil.
I tell you, it's evil.
It all starts
from having to work.
Now, if you
don't have to work...
why, you don't get any money.
You know what I mean?
It's that simple.
Yeah. That's what
I try to tell my old lady.
She sent my ass down
to the welfare office again...
and those creeps
started to hit on me...
about receiving public
assistance for over a year...
and here was my last--
Are you OK?
It's my last check and all...
and I had failed
to find employment again.
It's just too much bullshit,
so I split.
It doesn't pay
to hit the big time.
-No.
-Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Well, you got any plans, son?
Oh, yeah.
I figured I'd settle down here.
Get away from
all the zipper-heads uptown.
Not get involved with all
the extemporaneous bullshit.
And, hey, by the way,
what's your name?
Oh, I'm God.
Wow, man, that is heavy.
You're really God, huh?
No shit?
You OK?
I've been God for about
three and a half years now.
A lot of responsibility,
you know.
I'll bet.
Also, I'm black belt karate.
No shit?
Wow, this really blows my mind.
Me, I'm standing here
rapping with God.
Far out!
You want to be my assistant?
Well...
I might be forced
to give up my job.
I can't keep busting my ass
this here way.
Anyway, I've been into some
heavy gear in one of my lives.
I got nine of them, pal.
I got hung up with
the weirdest dude one time...
you could ever imagine.
This guy I'm thinking of
was really psycho...
you wouldn't believe it.
Jesus.
Wow, God, you really do
some weird shit, you know?
Make the fucking world in
seven days--try it sometime.
Work your vanilla!
Oh, the Yanks are coming!
And remember,
your fathers and mothers...
and all of your Fatherland
will be watching you.
Envying in the great glory...
for which you
have been selected...
you all have promised
to die for the Fuhrer.
Who wants to be next?
Ooh! Oh, Mama!
Mama, was Papa
ever like this?
Mein Fuhrer, the bombs have
just killed your orderly!
Ah, another orderly gone.
Get me another one!
Order another orderly quickly!
Another orderly quickly!
Another orderly!
Another orderly
for the Fuhrer!
Put up
an "Out of Orderly" sign!
-Harder!
-I get excited! Good!
My Lenore!
My liebchen!
Ohh! Hans!
I mean, he was--ohh!
Hans, I'm sorry. I--
Stand aside!
Oh, he was so wonderful!
Oh, Hans!
I mean, he was--
My aching swastika!
I thought being a Nazi
as all "Sieg, Sieg"...
and "Sieg Heil!"
This is for shit!
I better get my ass
the fuck out of here.
War is hell!
Mein Fuhrer, here are
the candidates for your orderly.
Heil Hitler!
Sieg heil!
That one!
I want that one!
Him! That's him!
Excuse me, Fuhrer.
I didn't mean to stare.
What is it? You see
something missing maybe?
No, no!
Everything's fine...
but you've only
got one ball.
Everybody in the Third Reich
has to do without something!
I see.
When the Fuhrer is naked,
everyone is naked!
Well, here I am, aren't l?
Hi.
Imbecile. Imbecile.
Don't you know what is
expected of you now?
What? I think
you dropped something.
What? I dropped something?
I put the soap
in your hand, you see...
and you seem
to have let it go.
Dropped it, like...
almost like you weren't
interested in washing at all!
I was not conscious of this.
It is simple to see,
Mein Fuhrer.
You're real motivations
are blocked here.
Blocked?
What is blocked?
It's a new word.
It means what's inside
can't get outside.
Some kind of
Freudian horseshit.
Oh, inside, can't get out...
You're a nice boy.
I'm going to make
a confession.
Sometimes, I would like
to be a ballet dancer.
Really? No kidding?
I often see myself in the opera.
Oh, wow.
And the people
are applauding me!
Well, sure they would.
There you go! You see?
That means this whole
number you're doing--
this conquest
of the world thing...
or whatever it is,
is just to get attention.
Interesting
you should say that...
but I am washing, see, now?
So why did I drop the soap?
Well, that,
my dear Herr Hitler...
is a question
you must ask yourself...
when you wrestle with
the true identity, you know.
I mean, in the dawning
of self-awareness...
between you
and your pillow, man...
when after the labors
of sleepless nights...
you gained the exalted heights
of the altar of truth!
You have insight.
When I see something
I want, I grab it.
Sure, why not?
And my stomach doesn't stop
to ask my head if it's hungry.
No, that figures.
By the way,
what is your name?
Fritz.
Well, Fritz, you say
you once had three balls?
Yeah.
Would you like to try for one?
I don't--Sir!
Listen--OK, OK!
Now, look,
I'm gonna pick up the soap.
I am. Just wait.
I'm gonna bend over now.
Just...
I'm gonna--
Hey, watch it, will ya?!
Mein Fuhrer, wait!
Oh, my God, wait!
Ich bin der fuhrer!
Gee, Fuhrer,
now you got no balls.
Mein Fuhrer!
Gentlemen,
we can no longer continue.
War is just
a question of balls.
Ja, balls.
Goebbels.
Goebbels, are you not...
my most loyal
and truthful assistant?
Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.
Did you not invent the slogan
which binds all us Nazis?
Jawohl, Mein Fuhrer.
And what is that slogan?
Death before dishonor.
What an asshole slogan.
You can always
change the slogan.
You must think
of Fraulein Braun.
She needs you.
Ja, think of Eva.
How she would miss you, Adolf.
That's right.
After all,
who could take my place?
Sieg heil!
I got that Nazi rat bastard...
right between
the crack in his ass!
Now how do those sons of bitches
expect to win a war...
when they're out of
goddamn uniform, huh?
I don't have any time
to do anything for myself!
I don't even have time
to get myself a new diaphragm!
If you hold it up to the light,
you can see little pinholes.
Fritz, I'm tired of
plugging it up with Chapstick!
Out of my shop.
I won't cash your check...
and there's no such thing
as a refund on those things...
just 'cause you say
it don't fit quite right.
But it's never been used, Niki.
I'll even take
a prorated refund.
It was used!
Well, only a little, a quickie.
And I bet I know who this
was used on, too, huh?
OK, Niki, you're on.
Try to guess who.
Let's see now.
With your filthy taste...
Iet's see,
it must be a fat one, right?
Yeah, right. Go on.
And I just bet she sweat a lot,
and she smell like a goat, huh?
Right.
And she's got bad breath,
no teeth?
Yes! Go on!
You're getting warmer!
And she's got big, hairy...
goddamn moustache
on the top lip!
Oh, you got me, Niki.
You got me nailed, man.
And I'll bet...
that fucking whore been with
every guy on this block, right?
Right!
Niki, you're a genius!
Niki, you only left out
one thing.
What did I leave out, Fritz?
You know what?
She's got the clap!
That's right!
How could I skip that?
That's a nice one.
She got to have the clap, right?
She has to.
-Hey, Fritz.
-Shit.
Fritz, I'll tell you something.
You're not so bad, you know?
Maybe I'll cash your check
after all.
Hey, Fritz, tell me...
what's this fat
whore pig's name, huh?
-What's the broad's name?
-Gina.
-Hey, Fritz.
-What?
That's a-my wife's name.
Gina is my wife's name.
She don't have the clap.
She does now.
Why, you--
You fucking cat,
I rip your balls off!
Get the fuck out of my shop!
Fuck off! You fucking cat!
I kill you!
I fuck you in the ass!
Fritz, man, what's
all this noise about, man?
I can hear all the way
from the alley.
Don't even come here!
Aw, nothing.
Niki can't take a joke.
He takes things too seriously.
It's hard not to around here.
Gets pretty fucking
deadly sometimes.
I heard it was better years ago,
you know what I mean?
But, Lenny, things have
always been, more or less...
up-and-down situation.
This street wasn't always
a shit-house, let me tell ya.
And even as far back
as the thirties...
there were those who gave
and those that took.
Aw, Fritz, but what do I do
with this here thing?
You can have it.
I'm done with it anyway.
When I was
back in the thirties...
I was one very sharp
continental-type stud.
The only thing we have
to fear is...
fear itself.
People must have faith.
Together...we cannot fail.
And it is up to you...
to support...and make it work.
Hey, putz!
Your idea of helping out
with the gas shortage...
was to stop eating pizza...
and bring home
four of your hooker friends...
to sleep with us at night
to stimulate heat.
Look, I don't know
how you can own a business...
and not be able to cash...
this miserable pittance
of a welfare check is all.
If I give you all my money...
I'll have nothing left
to buy with.
Oh, Christ,
then you are in luck, Morris.
Look at this. Knowing of
your love for the unusual...
I've brought you something
you won't be able to resist.
-I know it.
-Resist?
Believe me, I could resist.
Just look at it, Morris--
the design, the gentle contours.
Why, it's almost Louis Quinze
for Christ's sake.
It's disgusting,
for Christ's sake.
It's the type of item
that will sell so fast...
you'll be pleading for more
inside of a week, believe me.
It's been used. I can tell.
What? Used?
By a little old lady.
A one-owner shitter--
and genteel.
That's gentile,
you stupid bastard.
Don't get hosteel.
That's "hostile."
You're taking
the wrong approach, Morris.
Now, some of my best friends
are Jewish.
Do I look like
the Chase Manhattan Bank?
You come in here with
out-of-money look in your face.
Look like you got hit in
the head with a foul pitch...
and you want to sell me this.
But with inflation, the value
of a dollar going down...
my expenses skyrocketing...
Why, even this week, the price
of a decent circumcision...
something I shudder
to think about.
I agree with you there...
but what's that got to do
with my toilet seat?
That's the point, my friend.
My old seder
used to say to me...
"Morris, take a pickle.
It's made for eating."
The thing you're holding
is made for shitting.
It's simple logic.
You could even be a Rockefeller.
It's tough to find
a good pickle.
Socioeconomically speaking,
you're absolutely correct, but--
Look, Fritz...
the pickles are beginning
to get to me.
And these days, a soft stool
is too important to me...
for something to quibble,
so I'll make you a deal.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
You give me the seat,
I'll trade for you a bargain.
Where did you get this thing?
Questions--youth,
all the time, questions.
Nowadays people
don't know an opportunity...
when it smacks them
upside of the face.
I think I've been screwed.
With that, you could be
the next man on the moon.
Fuck the moon.
I been further than that once.
That's no big deal.
I'd rather take a shit.
So would l.
Give me the seat.
I'm going to hit you
on the top of the head.
This should cure you.
Here we go. I say heal!
Heal, Mr. Cobbs, heal!
Through the power vested
in me by God, Jesus Christ...
I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.
Hello, world.
This is the event
mankind has been waiting for--
the first man launched to Mars.
Fritz, I got to tell you
something right out in front.
If it wouldn't be
for this fucking cold...
I'd be going
all the way to Mars with you.
million miles--a drop kick.
But the doc says
I can't fly with this cold.
It's bad for the ears.
He said something about me
popping a drum or something...
I don't know.
Jeez, I got to get
some more Binaca.
Put that in my bring-ups,
will you?
Fritz, you know
how I hate to bother you...
when you're
getting near the pad...
but we got to make a decision
on the Poli-Grip account.
I can see you with
a package of five spots...
for the Japanese
and Taiwan market.
Incidentally,
the residuals will be unreal.
It's eight million yen
for every thirteen-week cycle...
and you don't
have to declare it.
You know,
there's a whole cult...
of denture-adhesive freaks
out there...
just waiting for a leader.
Some of them
still got their own teeth.
Am I bothering you
with all this, Fritz?
My God, Fritz,
I got to get some air in here.
I feel myself slipping away.
Now, I know
you're against charities...
and benefits and freebies...
but hear me out
on this one, Fritzie.
There's a nationwide
charity telethon coming up...
the first of next month...
for the further development
of all-vegetable...
organically-grown
polyunsaturated Preparation H--
with suntan oil.
Jerry Lewis is going
to be there--everybody.
And before you shut me off,
I got to tell you...
the exposure will be
sensational for you.
And we might even have
a spin-off...
on a new movie
that's coming out...
with Frankie Avalon
and Annette Funicello...
called "Beach Ball Piles."
Well, Fritz, I see
we arrived at the pad...
so this will give you
some things to think about...
on a -million mile trip.
And remember, Fritz, sweetheart,
I'd be with you all the way...
it wouldn't be
for this fucking cold.
Hot damn.
That chick wouldn't look bad...
holding up a Hershey's bar,
would she?
With nuts.
Ah, freedom of the press.
Jeez, I feel sorry
for the poor slob.
I wouldn't make that trip
with him with six points.
Hey, Fritz, baby,
want to talk to Walter?
Sure. Why not?
Fritz, does being the first
to set foot on Mars--
golly--kind of give you
goose bumps?
Ahem. Gentlemen,
I've been up and down...
the four corners
of this big old world...
and I've seen it all,
and I've done it all.
I've fought many a good man
and laid many a good woman.
And I've had riches, fame,
and adventure, too.
Yes. I've stood
eyeball-to-eyeball with death...
countless times
and never, never once squinted.
Oh, I've tasted life
to the fullest...
and still my tortured soul
cries out--more!
More! Oh, shit!
God, can there be any more?
How do it feel, Fritz?
I mean,
Mars ain't around the corner.
You're so right.
Hey, would you like
to discuss this in private?
Gee, you got
a lovely pair of eyes.
In private?
Sure. Listen, doll...
I'd kind of like
to give you a break.
You know,
kind of help pay back...
for what my people
did to your people.
Yeah? What kind of a break?
Well, you know, an exclusive--
an inside story.
Fritz, wait a second!
Wait! Come on, what about us?
What about a statement?
Give us a break, man, come on.
Baby.
We interrupt this telecast
of the first flight to Mars...
for a message
of real importance.
As chairman of the board
of the Golf Oil company...
with its dealers
from coast-to-coast...
I want to welcome you all
to this momentous event.
When you drive into
one of our Golf stations...
say howdy to the man
who polishes your window...
and we'll say howdy
right back at you.
At this very minute...
you can look at one
of our own Golf refineries...
pumping away seven days a week,
twenty-four hours a day...
filling your tanks
with gasoline.
We at Golf Oil are
bringing you this telecast...
in appreciation of the millions
of happy Golf customers...
when they say, "Fill 'er up."
What's that I hear?
Jeez, look at the money
they put in that rocket.
You could buy time
on "The Waltons"...
for a year
with that kind of bread.
I wonder how you put a deal
like that together.
That's fascinating.
We have ignition.
Me, too!
Baby!
So unbelievable.
My brother-in-law would like
a rocket like that.
Shit.
That's fascinating.
Gee, look at that.
Well, there he goes.
When he gets back,
we'll make millions.
Jeez, I hope they got
that explosion on tape.
It'd be perfect
for our forest lawn spots.
Mr. Cobb. Heal, Mr. Cobb.
Yeah. Heal.
Through the power vested
in me by God, Jesus Christ...
I'm going to heal you, Mr. Cobb.
Let me make one thing
very clear--
I am not a crook.
Why don't you climb up
off your ass?
Remember I was telling you
you should get to be...
a contestant
on "Let's Make a Deal"?
I'll tell you what.
You dress up like a frog.
You look good in green.
And wear a yarmulke.
I think he likes Jewish people.
Man, am I hung up,
strung out, and uptight.
Hey. God damn it,
I know that laugh.
Man, it couldn't be.
Hey, man. You in a bag.
Hey, Duke, is it really you?
No shit.
But I thought you were dead.
I thought they got you.
Fritz, you ain't changed a bit.
You still don't know
where it's at.
What are you doing
down here, anyway?
I'm looking for the true meaning
of my existence, as usual.
I got tired of
the pseudointellectuals...
and the super-hype bullshitters
running the world...
determining my destiny.
You dig it?
And crushing my creative juices?
Now lay the straight line on me.
My old lady kicked my ass out.
That's what I figured.
But you know, Duke...
it's going to be better
for all of us, really.
No shit.
Ain't I heard that
somewhere before?
That's no bullshit.
There's better days ahead,
I kid you not.
We brothers got some great times
rolling our way, man.
-Now you brothers, huh?
-Right on.
Shit. No telling
how black we'll be...
by the time
this little chat ends.
Take my word for it. I know.
Hey, Duke, you ever
hear of New Jersey?
Sure.
You ever heard
of Ray Charles?
Yeah. Hey, and I'll tell you...
you crows are finally
going to come into your own.
You wait and see.
Jive sucker come into
the ghetto, talking some stuff.
Ought to cut the jive mother.
Twenty-five.
Ready, aim, fire!
Twenty-six.
Hey, man, your number's up.
Come on, let's get to this.
But--look, please, sir...
you got the wrong guy, see?
Don't push!
At least let me tell you
the way it happened, fella, huh?
Go over to the White House
and pick up a package.
Yes, sir.
Mr. President.
You've got to do something.
Believe me, there's
nothing to worry about.
Nothing to worry about?
This--what's his name...
Imaku.
Whatever--is suggesting...
that New Africa make
a federation with Cuba...
China, Africa,
and Northern lreland.
I never did trust a nigger.
But you voted in favor
of giving them New Jersey.
The final solution
to the schwartzen problem...
you said.
And we get rid
of the Puerto Ricans...
and you can't get
a decent shoeshine...
in the whole of America.
I haven't seen a decent
football game in ten years.
Honduras beat us
in the Olympics.
You know what that means?
We have a whole country
full of niggers--
angry niggers, right across
the river from New York.
They could fart
and destroy Washington.
All we have to do...
is keep President
Supreme Jackson in office.
Come in.
Mr. President,
I'm from the messenger service.
It's about time.
Now, deliver this
to President Supreme Jackson.
In New Jersey?
I mean, New Africa?
Well, that's where he is.
But I heard these crows don't
let whites in their country.
How long have you been...
with the Red Arrow
delivery service?
Today's my first day.
I used to be on welfare.
Go to the motor pool
and get a car and a pass.
Yes, sir.
Remember, this is important...
to our national security,
so don't fail.
I won't fail, sir.
Please.
Stop kissing my hand.
-Yes, sir.
-And touching my palms.
Can I help you?
I want to see
the man in charge.
I'm in charge here.
I came to get a car
and a pass into New Africa.
OK, I'll get you a car
and a pass to Niggerville.
This is a rotary engine Mazda.
Them niggers will steal
anything they can.
No sense in risking a new car
to go over there.
We ain't got anybody
to wash 'em up no more.
Here you go.
Thanks.
Come here.
If you're going to New Africa...
I got a wife and kid over there.
They had to go
with their people...
when they gave the blacks
New Jersey.
-No shit?
-Could you kind of--
Well, there's a lot of blacks.
You were married
to a colored woman?
Shit. That's ten years
in the slammer.
Yeah. Look, I don't expect you
to look for 'em...
but if you should
happen to see 'em...
will you tell 'em l--
tell 'em I said hi.
I wonder if they're
still over there?
OK. Your pass is good. Go on.
Oh, hey, how do I find
President Supreme Jackson?
Wave a dollar bill.
Yeah. Thanks.
Yeah. Black is beautiful.
Like they say, huh?
I hears de gentle voices
Hey, man.
-Roscoe, dere, dere.
-What?
That broad, man.
That ugly broad.
Hey, man.
Ain't you going to say
hello to your old lady?
-Watch out, now.
-That bitch is too ugly...
for you to say hello to
in public.
Shoot. I'd go with her
a lot quicker...
than I'd go with your mama.
Shoot. She's so ugly...
your daddy don't even
want to go with her.
Shit! Look who's talking.
Shit, if ugliness
was electricity...
your mama would be
walking in a powerhouse.
Oh, man, dig that.
That's light shit.
Your mama look like
ten miles of bad road, nigger.
Your mama got a face...
that look like
it been run over by a bus...
and everybody kept telling
how good she looking till you.
And then--so she's been jumping
in front of buses ever since.
Man, I don't want to hear that.
Oh, hey, look at that.
Boy, some pair
of gazongas there.
That isn't bad.
A little young.
But, then, what the hell.
These chicks know where it's at
by the time they're anyway.
How do I get to the Black House?
You take the number twenty bus
on the corner.
You do know what a corner is,
don't you, honky?
Somebody help.
Help!
Hey, man. Come on,
help me, man, please.
Oh, man. What's the matter?
Well, a gang, man.
They robbed--
-Oh, Jesus.
-Help me, man.
Hey, help!
There's a man hurt in the alley.
Help me, somebody!
-Where?
-Back here.
He hurt bad?
Look, man,
there's a phone down the block.
Go and call an ambulance.
Hello?
Operator, give me the hospital.
Give you what?
A hospital--sick, doctor,
pain, hurt, you know.
Just a minute, mister.
You looking for a Dr. Sax?
Information number - .
Is that -
or is that - ?
-You making fun of me?
-No, I just wanted to get--
Sound like you white.
You white?
What's that got to do
with anything?
Honky, what you doing talking
on a New African phone?
Trying to get a hospital.
You're going to need one the way
you making fun of people.
Look, all I want to know...
is if the number is
- or - or what.
You such a smart ass,
you figure it out.
My opponent is accusing me
of dodging the issues.
Let me say this about that.
Issues is the only thing
I'm not dodging.
Hey, two more of the same.
What am I going to do, man?
I mean, I work.
I think I look good.
I'm still young.
You know, I might have
about five children.
And when I saw Jimi Hendrix...
I'd never saw anybody
play guitar, play like--
He took a guitar
one time and took--
he had it round his neck, right?
And there was a girl
in the audience...
that he was
dedicating the song to...
and he took it, spun it
around his neck, right?
He's got it on his neck, right?
Just going around.
Then he takes it...
throws it down between
his legs and jerks it off.
He jerks it off, man.
I couldn't believe it.
And then threw her
right back around his--
and then started playing
with his teeth.
That's right. That's him.
And then--after he played it
with his teeth...
he dropped it
down on the ground...
took some lighter fluid...
You see it on the album cover.
I decided that I just wanted
to be a prostitute.
Oh, honey.
Wait a minute, baby.
I just want
to do my thing, baby.
They tell me I can
get me some furs.
How you doing?
Hey, pal...
Nigger, you stepped on my shine!
What's wrong with you?
You better get
the fuck outta my face.
-What you talking about?
-I'll cut you. Shoot you.
Man, nigger, step outside!
Listen, nigger,
you better back off!
I'll cut you
from here to tomorrow!
Back up?
Ooh, that's right!
I'll cut you so goddamn fast
you won't bleed till tomorrow.
Too easy.
Have you got change
for a dollar?
Well, now, looky here!
A real live white!
Isn't anybody gonna
break up that fight?
Them niggers
don't fight, sucker.
Shit! They just roughin'.
What's a whitey
doing in this joint?
-Here you go.
-Thanks. You got a phone?
It got ripped off.
There's one down the street.
Help! Somebody! Police!
I got five dollars say
you ain't gonna buy that number.
In fact,
I put my gold teeth on it...
you can't make that number
with a pencil and a sheet of--
Who goes there?
-Excuse me.
-Don't bother me. I'm hot.
Can you tell me where to find
President Supreme Jackson?
This jive motherfu--
He's right inside.
Go ahead.
You can't make that money.
Come on seven.
Bet five.
Now what is it?
Message from the White House.
The honky prez.
-The White House?
-Gimme the message.
What does it say?
It says that we attempt
an assassination...
and blame it on lmaku, man.
Attempt to assassinate who?
You, fool!
Don't worry, man.
We'll get an expert shot, man,
and all he'll do is wound you.
Wound me?
We got to make it look real.
Fuck that shit. I ain't
gonna let nobody shoot me.
The answer is no.
Man, I ain't gonna
lose this election.
If I got to get shot you are!
Not necessarily.
Fritz? General Jones
wants to talk to you!
OK, thanks.
I'm from--
I know where the hell you from--
-Don't anybody move!
-What's this?
We found you was
bugging our conference...
spying on the movements,
tapping the telephones...
and telling the papers
I use hair straightener!
How dare you.
-Where's Jackson?
-He's dead.
Don't you bullshit me!
I'm not.
Killed by an American spy.
What? I didn't kill anybody.
Why would they kill Jackson?
'Cause Jackson
was a real brother.
Ain't gonna let
this murder go unavenged!
The council
has just declared war...
on the United States,
and dig that!
I thought you said we were going
to lose in two or three days.
It's been two weeks.
Where's all that
war reparations money...
we was supposed to get?
All them PXs and
black market cigarettes?
Now, give me a chance
to get my head together, man.
Now what is it?
The President
of the United States.
Mr. Speaker,
Mr. Vice President...
Iadies and gentlemen,
as Commander in Chief...
of all the United States
military forces...
I surrender.
What? Surrender?
What the hell you mean,
surrender?!
You better get back to fighting.
You folks ain't
never lost a war.
-Shit, you can win!
-We getting them whiteys back?
Unconditional surrender.
That's your ass, Jones.
For crimes against the Sovereign
Republic of New Africa...
and the assassination...
of our beloved
President Supreme Jackson...
you've been ordered
executed this day.
You got a last request?
Yes. Please don't shoot me.
Ready...aim...fire!
I bet you voted for Nixon!
Did you by any chance,
Mr. Smart Ass...
pop some of
my birth control pills?
Oh, shit!
Ralphie just peed on my shoes!
Christ, is it refreshing
to get away...
from the pressures
of the street.
There's much to be said for
the advantages of isolation.
It allows one total freedom
to pick and choose...
without the forces
of society to wear you down.
Take the example
of the influence...
of our present-day culture.
It typifies humanity's lack
of personal concern for others.
Hey, fuck you,
you inconsiderate bastards!
You just sit there
on your fat asses...
and dump on life
indiscriminately.
I suppose I should
learn to accept...
the miniscule distractions
of life, though.
Oh, shit!
The sacred horn of Vishnu
wakes you up.
Do wake up, please,
young Caucasian...
'cause I've come
to save your very soul.
What? You sure you want me?
It is not possible
that I could be in error.
You see, my good book here,
it guides me as I wander...
through the vast cosmic universe
of my experience...
with astral flash
and good vibes as my bedfellows.
Wait a minute.
I can't get behind that really.
Aren't those the yellow pages?
Oh, man.
Could you not do that?
Please to wash my feet.
Wash my feet, Caucasian one.
Especially the left one.
Only this morning,
I stepped in sacred cow shit.
Wow, man. Hold on now.
I'm not really into washing
cow shit off anybody's feet.
This is truly a bad omen.
I, Javral Ben Roderiga...
son of the most ample
Javral Ben Roderiga Sr...
have been truly affronted.
Look, I didn't mean
to offend you, man.
Silence.
There is no need to explain.
Oh, yeah, this is nice.
Very nice.
The brass horn
of Vishnu announces...
that I am the second
of two sent from the East.
Two also were sent
from the West.
No matter.
It was to cure those,
those poor unfortunates...
afflicted with the leprosy.
Jeez, that's really a shame,
because I've seen...
a lot of disease down here,
but no leprosy--so far.
No leprosy?
No running sores?
Nothing like that.
This is most disturbing news.
But chronic backache?
None of my friends have that,
either, I don't think.
Well, then perhaps
the dreaded dandruff...
or the very heartbreak
of psoriasis?
No. I'll tell you the truth.
I think you're a little late.
See, I think that went down
a long time ago.
I could tell you a story,
if you'd care to--
If you could possibly
make it short...
because there is
a strong possibility...
that I should be
in Philadelphia.
Jesus, this stuff is dynamite.
The eyes of my own soul
staring back at me.
God knows I've lived
the best lives I was capable of.
My minor infractions of
society's rules were only due--
Oh, please, Lucifer,
don't take me!
I'm not ready! I'll change!
I'm already changing.
Look at me change.
Oh, my God,
what a way to go.
Excuse me, certainly.
Hello?
Yoo-hoo down there.
Excuse me.
Did anyone find an earring?
I dropped my earring in
the trash. You'd recognize it.
It opens on one side.
Kind of a jade color.
It's got a picture of Errol
Flynn and Alan Hale naked--
Oh, Jesus Christ!
Lucifer's a faggot!
Jesus Christ, my life is shit!
I had to get knocked up.
I could've had an abortion.
No. Mr. Good-Time Charlie
over there.
"No," he says.
"Have the baby.
"We'll get married.
I'll take care of you."
What'll you take care of?
It's a good thing
we got Ralphie.
Otherwise,
we don't even get welfare.
Will you tell me one thing
you ever did for my Ralphie?
Do you ever play with him?
Do you ever take him
to the ballgame?
Do you ever take him fishing?
How about fishing?
Why don't you take
your own son fishing?
You don't even change
his kitty litter!
Did you know that Dr. Spock...
has stated very clearly
in his book...
that fathers
who are never there...
usually makes a fag kid?
Do you know what he does most
of the time around the house?
If he's not picking his nose,
he's jerking off.
How's that gonna look
when he starts kindergarten?
Suck my dick, huh?
You get outta here!
Pack your things and get out!
I said get out, and I mean it!
While I'm still young enough...
to find a decent father
for my child, you bum.
All you do is lay around.
Listen, I'm sick
of cleaning up after you.
And don't think I don't know
that you fool around.
I know it.
You junkie, you hophead, you.
Are you kidding?
No, I'm not.
I'm sick of seeing you...
sitting around here
doing nothing.
Get serious!
Don't come back here
until you're ready to shape up!
Too much. I thought
she was putting me on.
Hey, she actually did it.
That blows my mind.
Hey, I don't have to go
to the welfare office tomorrow.
Jesus! Wow!
Know what that is?
That's shit!
You are shit!
Know what? Know what?
She's got the clap!
Some of my best friends...
When he gets back to Earth.
This is about
the worst life I ever had.