Not Another Teen Movie
Script - Dialogue Transcript
Voila! Finally, the Not Another Teen Movie
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Chyler Leigh, Chris
Evans, and Jaime Pressly movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Not Another Teen Movie. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
I just hope it doesn't cause anypermanent damage. -How long haye you been here, anyway? -A while. -You missed your prom? -Yeah. The thing is, when I made that bet...
There he is. It's Freddie.
He's wearing a tux.
What's up? I met a whole otherperson inside of you. There's a whole other personinside of both of us. Would the whole other person... ... lik e to dance?
Yes.
- Morning, sweetie!
- Daddy!
- Why are you in here?
- Why am I in here?
It's her birthday, Dad.
Happy birthday, sweetie.
- What's that buzzing sound?
- I just need a minute, here.
Maybe it's that construction.
Where's my IittIe angeI?
Happy birthday, honey.
Grandma? Grandpa?
Rosco!
Rosco, go.
- HeIIo.
- Father O'FIannagan?
I brought your speciaI friends
from the centre!
- Happy birthday!
- Janey's making faces.
It smeIIs in here.
Okay, make a wish, dear.
No.
This isn't a typicaI high schooI.
At John Hughes, there are no cIiques,
no excIusive sociaI groups.
You're accepted for you,
not who you hang out with.
We'II divide into groups
so you can get to know your peers.
Let's get aII you jocks
in one group...
...and get you sIutty girIs
over here by me.
Hey, how you doing?
WeIcome.
You Iosers shouId
hang out in the back.
That cIearIy incIudes you.
Come on, get back there.
Take a Iook at the kid
standing beside you.
They're your onIy friends
for the next four years.
Okay, Iet's move it, peopIe!
- You need to start dating.
- I don't date. You know that.
Janey, you know Dad's ruIe.
I can't have sex before you.
I don't conform to
typicaI high-schooI norms.
I read SyIvia PIath,
Iisten to Bikini KiII and eat tofu.
- I'm a unique rebeI.
- More Iike you're a Iesbo.
Mitch, Ieave your sister aIone.
Thank you, Daddy.
If Janey wants to be a rug-muncher,
that's her decision.
Go! Fight! Win!
Nice combination, Crissy!
I've been meaning to get that fixed.
Later, Dad.
I'II be Iate to pick you up.
Why? A job interview?
No, honey.
I'II probabIy just be way too drunk.
That's good.
No drinking and driving.
Oh, I'II be driving.
I'II just be too drunk to remember.
Okay. Bye, Daddy.
Bye, pumpkin-head.
- Oh, my God!
- Get out of the road!
Oh, my God, it's Jake.
- Hi, stud.
- Hi, Jake.
- I Iove that thing with his eyebrows.
- Those sideburns.
Oh, my God, there's Jake.
He's so popuIar.
He just Iooked at me.
- Here. You can keep it.
- Tiff.
Hi, Jake. It's aII wet.
MeIanie.
Hey, Jake.
Hey, Arthur.
Here's Ricky!
Hey, Ricky.
How was your weekend?
Friday night I stood
outside your window in the rain...
...screaming your name.
Then I spent Saturday and Sunday
making you this great...
...I've-been-desperateIy-trying-
to-teII-you-that...
...I'm-madIy-in-Iove-with-you...
...mix tape for your birthday.
A mix tape?
That's so sweet, Ricky.
See you in EngIish.
Catch you guy Iater.
What happening?
Damn, Shorty, Dog is pretending
to be Asian, and shit.
That cracker is white!
Can't he see that, yo?
Did you get any action this weekend?
- I visit grandfather.
- I pIayed with my sisters.
We're pathetic.
How wiII we ever Iose our virginity
by graduation?
- We're freshmen.
- What's with the attitude?
- Not easy to get Iucky here.
- GirIs are sensitive.
They're not Iooking for sex.
They're Iooking for Iove.
Love me! Harder!
Amanda Becker.
She is so perfect.
Keep dreaming.
What's up, Reggie Ray?
I can't wait untiI Friday's game.
What about your head? You have
a bIood cIot the size of a grapefruit.
Five more concussions and you'II die.
You shouId take it easy.
- Don't Iisten to him.
- Austin.
Mr. Not-First-String-Anymore,
isn't first-string anymore.
We know what happened Iast time
Jake caIIed the pIays.
And now, our hometown hero... ... first-string quarterback, Jak e Wyler!
MaIik, couId you hoId these books?
Sure. Why not?
I am the token bIack guy.
I smiIe, stay out of
the conversation...
...and say things Iike " Damn,"
"Shit," and "That is whack!"
What's she doing here?
She graduated four years ago.
- Hi, Jake.
- Catherine.
Can I ask you a question?
Why is it when I teII a guy
to put it anywhere...
...they aIways stick it in my ass?
- Damn!
Way too much information.
Oh, no. Too much information
wouId be teIIing you...
...that after they're done
I take a huge dump.
Shit!
On their chest.
Oh, that is whack!
PrisciIIa, there you are.
Jake, I need some
T-to-the-fourth-power-Y.
Some time to taIk to you.
God.
It made sense to me, PrisciIIa.
You're Ieaving me for this guy?
I'm sorry, Jake.
We met over spring break.
I'm not ordinary.
You're Ieaving me for this guy?
His name is Les...
...and he's the most beautifuI thing
I've ever seen.
And so is his bag.
Janey Briggs, please report to the office.
Being a foreign exchange student
is scary...
...adjusting to a new schooI,
a new country.
But you'II find that the students
are very accepting.
I'm so happy to be in America!
You have a sunny disposition.
You got your scheduIe?
I don't need it. I come to schooI
to be object of Iust...
...for poor nerds who cannot get
American pussy.
WeII, isn't that wonderfuI?
Janey, come in.
This is AreoIa,
our foreign exchange student.
Janey wiII show you
to your first cIass.
Hi.
I Iike your backpack.
Grazie.
Dude, I heard there's an undercover
reporter posing as a student.
Dude, no way, dude.
Do you know where
Mr. KeIIer's EngIish cIass is?
- Down the haII, on your Ieft.
- Sweet, dude.
For the thousandth time, I said,
"SwaIIow that thing."
Am I right?
How couId PrisciIIa dump me,
Jake WyIer?
Who does she think she is?
I got two words for you, Jake:
Prom queen, materiaI.
Austin, she's an iIIusion.
You take away the makeup,
the cIothes...
...the way she wears her hair,
the smeII of her perfume...
...that cute face she makes
when she's tonguing my baIIs...
Look, she's repIaceabIe.
Given the right Iook,
the right boyfriend...
...any girI couId be prom queen.
- I smeII a bet.
Jakey, Jakey,
about to make a big...
...mistakey.
I'II pick the most
hopeIess girI at this schooI...
...and I'II bet that you
can't turn her into prom queen.
You're on, Austin.
I'II bet you Iose that bet...
...but Iearn a much more
vaIuabIe Iesson, and win.
In Iife, that is.
You're both on.
AII right.
Let's find you a prom queen,
Mr. Let's-Find-Me-A-Prom-Queen.
What about her?
Baby's got back.
Hunch, that is.
No, way too easy.
-I have no pigment
- Any girI with a guitar is hot.
I need sunscreen
Even a hippie aIbino.
She couId be prom queen.
What about the FrateIIi sisters?
So they're sIightIy disfigured
and connected.
But combined, those two make up
one pretty decent chick.
- I'd do them!
- I know, Reggie Ray.
I'm Iooking for somebody
reaIIy messed up.
I'm taIking about a reaI shitbomb.
WeII, bombs away.
No, no, no, anyone but her!
Not Janey Briggs.
Guys, she's got gIasses
and a ponytaiI.
She's got paint on her overaIIs!
What is that?
There's no way
she couId be prom queen.
Damn, that shit's whack.
Aim for the head!
Can you imagine
what they do in there?
HoIy cow.
Guys, get your heads
out of the gutter.
It's a Iocker room.
It's no sexier in there...
...than it is in here.
MoIIy, can you heIp me
take off my panties?
HoId on, I've got Iotion
on my hands.
That's okay.
You can just use your mouth.
Thanks, Miss Peters.
So...
...who wouId Iike to share their poem
with the cIass?
Mr. KeIIer? Over here.
Right here. PIease.
Anyone?
PIease pick me.
I'm the one.
Yes...
...Ricky.
- "Ten Things I Love About Janey."
- Oh, not again.
By Ricky Lipman.
I love it when Janey talksI love it when Janey walksI love it when Janey drinksI love it when Janey blinksI love it when Janey says hiI love it when Janey saysSee you in EnglishI love following Janey to the mallAnd I love...
... collecting strandsOf Janey's hair... ... and rolling them upInto little Janey hairballs
Thank you, Ricky,
for that interesting poem.
- I'm not sure we shouId be doing this.
- Quiet. I hear them.
I can't beIieve
what we just did, MoIIy.
It was a once-in-a-Iifetime experience
that wiII never happen again.
Shit, we missed it.
Let's keep going.
Hey, I found a buffaIo nickeI!
Jackpot.
GirI go pee-pee
not what I want to see-see.
I agree-gree.
WouId you two pIease try and be
a IittIe open-minded?
CIass, Iet's open our books
and continue with our poetry Iesson.
You know what I think about poetry?
Oh, is that amusing?
Is that what your generation
considers humour?
This make me kind of happy in pants.
Goodness.
That make me kind of sad in pants.
Shakespeare, MoIière...
...Oscar WiIde.
These were humorists.
I'm gonna be sick.
The subIime poetic genius
of a cIever turn of phrase.
That is true comedy.
Heavens to Betsy.
Your modern, moronic, feebIe-minded,
sophomoric excuse for wit...
...is mereIy a parade of nasty...
...fiIthy, vuIgar...
...human excrement!
Excuse me.
- Hey, Janey. What's up?
- Excuse me?
Ever want to be
the most popuIar girI in schooI?
Anorexic, superficiaI?
A whore who Iacks any reaI
Iong-term goaIs?
ExactIy.
If you're interested,
I thought we couId go out sometime.
Be seen in pubIic.
- We haven't spoken in four years.
- ActuaIIy, more Iike six.
That time when we were
in Iine at that theatre...
...I was actuaIIy saying " hey"
to the person behind you.
Friday's championship game
is against North Compton...
...and that squad aIways tries
to bring it.
- Bring what, PrisciIIa?
- Bring it.
Right, but what is " it"?
It's just what they bring, okay?
New girI.
I'm Sandy Sue.
It is simpIy sweII to meet aII of you.
Peachy.
You brought a routine?
Oh, you bet.
Give me an H.
Give me a U.
Give me a giant pussy-Iicking,
ass-fucker cock shit!
I'm sorry.
That was my Tourette's.
I don't know about her.
Let's get it straight.
This isn't a cheerocracy.
I am the cheertator.
I make the cheercisions,
I wiII deaI with the cheeronsequences.
If there are no more cheeruptions,
we can cheertinue.
Thank you.
Grandpa stuck a finger in my ass!
Cum face!
She'II cheer do.
Great.
Goddamn it, Iet's go now!
Thirty-two draw!
Goddamn it!
Let's show some goddamn hustIe!
Look aIive out there!
This isn't a goddamn tryout!
- Goddamn it!
- BIue ! Hut!
What the heII?
Nobody's covering that hoIe!
Goddamn it!
Let's do it again!
Marty! Marty! Marty!
AII right, Marty.
- Get your ass in there.
- You sure?
Just go, goddamn it.
WyIer, we got this wrapped up.
AII you gotta do is run out the cIock.
For God's sakes,
don't try anything fancy!
Goddamn it.
Listen, boys.
We got time for one more pIay.
- I say we get the baII to Marty.
- Damn.
No, I'm just happy
being on the fieId.
Coach reckons we shouId take a knee.
We're up - .
I don't care what coach reckons.
You can't go through Iife
being scared.
If you do, you'II aIways wonder,
"What if?"
But if you go out there
and you give it your aII...
...that's heroic.
Guys, I appreciate this, but...
That's the spirit! Ready?
What are you doing?
Get out of here.
Not here. Down there.
Over here?
What are you doing?
Over here!
Here?
We Iove you, Marty!
Set, hut!
No. No.
No, don't throw it to me.
No!
- Nice hands, Marty!
- I did it.
- I'm a hero!
- WaIk it off!
AII right, goddamn it!
Hit the showers, goddamn it!
Bunch of candy-asses.
Lousy practice!
We'II get our asses kicked Friday!
What about fourth-string?
I didn't get to practice.
After aII the shenanigans
you puIIed Iast season...
...thank God you're stiII
in goddamn uniform, goddamn it!
If my parents hear I got detention,
no dessert for a week.
We've disgraced ourseIves
and our famiIies.
I sense the moraIe's a IittIe
Iow. I say we make a pact...
...right here, right now.
Before the end of the year,
we aII get Iaid!
We aIways make that pact.
We've been waiting for this
since puberty.
- Two weeks ago!
- I just got first hair on baII.
I don't think you understand.
We'II become the masters of our
sexuaI destiny.
No Ionger wiII our penises remain
fIaccid and unused.
No Ionger steaI Grandfather's porn.
No Ionger wiII we use bIindfoIds
when we jerk each other off.
AII right, that's it.
What in God's name is going on?
- What was that ruckus?
- I no hear ruckus.
- I heard a ruckus.
- Can you describe this ruckus, sir?
You better watch your tongue,
young man!
We were just sitting here.
You just bought yourseIf
another detention.
- That's not fair.
- Cry me a river, dickface.
- You bought another one.
- Eat my shorts.
What was that?
Eat my shorts!
- Don't mess with a buII.
- I'm shaking.
- You got another.
- Good!
- You through?
- Not even cIose, bud.
- Want another one?
- Yes.
- You got it!
- Good.
- Another one. Had enough?
- No.
- Another one.
- So?
- I can keep going.
- Go!
- Eenie, meenie, minie...
- Mo.
- Your mom was a...
- Ho.
- He was a famous cIown.
- Bobo.
Mitch, cut it out.
- Another one.
- But I was...
That's another one!
- One more for Ox or for Mitch?
- Another.
- I confused.
- Shut up, Wang Chung.
I got you for the rest of your Iives.
You're mine.
Next time, I'm cracking skuIIs.
How many times have I said
I'm not going to Princeton?
I'm not pressuring you.
Just give it four years.
If you don't Iike it,
you can work at my firm.
I don't want your Iife!
That's okay, son.
I heard about what happened
with PrisciIIa.
The good news is...
...I've got the perfect rebound girI.
ReaIIy?
BeverIy! CouId you come in here?
That's Mom!
What do you say, kiddo?
I'm gonna Ieave you two aIone.
Make me proud, son.
So, you in love? -Yeah, I think I am. -Well, who is this guy? His name is Blane. He's a senior. He's so beautiful.
Janey? Sweetheart?
Hi, Daddy.
Is something wrong?
You were quiet at dinner.
You were passed out on the tabIe.
Listen, honey...
...I may not aIways be coherent
or conscious...
...but I know when my girI's
got something on her mind.
WeII, there is this popuIar boy,
Jake.
Oh, sweetie.
Jake knocked you up, didn't he?
No, he asked me out.
Do you Iike him?
Are you attracted to him?
I mean, wouId you give him head?
He is kind of cute, but...
...he's aIways been a totaI jerk.
It's weird that he's
taIking to me now.
EspeciaIIy after you've packed on
a coupIe of pounds.
What do you think I shouId do?
Look, sweetie.
I never want you to do anything
that compromises who you are...
...because you're very,
very speciaI to me.
If Jake is onIy asking you out
to get into your pants...
...weII, then I'd say...
...go out with him.
You couId certainIy use
the popuIarity points.
And if Jake Iikes you...
...then maybe those kids'II quit
throwing bags of shit on the porch.
I feeI better.
Thanks for the advice, Daddy.
That's what I'm here for,
pumpkin-tits.
- I need to ask you a favour.
- It's about time.
No, not that.
You're the crueIest girI
in high schooI.
You're the onIy one who can heIp
trick Janey into Iiking me.
That girI with the gIasses
and the ponytaiI?
Don't forget
the paint-covered overaIIs.
WeII...
...it's going to be difficuIt.
But I think I can heIp you.
Sit.
For a price.
And this time,
I don't want your car.
I want you.
Catherine, that's disgusting.
You're my sister.
OnIy by bIood.
- What is wrong with this famiIy?
- Hey, do you want my heIp or not?
There are three things
you need to do...
...to have Janey
eating out of your hand.
First, you earn her trust.
Come on, Ieave him aIone!
Hey! Come on, guys, back off.
That's enough, okay?
You IittIe shit.
Don't you guys mess with him again.
Once you've got her trust, it's time to mak e her feel special. Pick a song with her name in it. That always works.
She's got a gun!
Janey's got a gun!
Take it easy, miss.
- Wait.
- Get back here!
HoId her down.
Give me your hand!
Just give us the gun, Janey.
After you've made her feel special... ... it's time to put the icingon the cak e.
I'm reaIIy gIad you showed up, Janey.
The onIy reason I came here
was to teII you to Ieave me aIone.
You know, I was just making a snack.
You want one?
- No. Listen, Jake...
- I'II be right back.
Hungry?
I don't Iike sundaes.
It's not a sundae,
it's a banana spIit.
I don't Iike those, either.
Goodbye, Jake.
I Ieft some money
on the kitchen counter.
Emergency numbers are by the phone.
And remember, son:
No parties.
I know, Dad.
Keg coming through.
Hey.
What's up, man?
We're trusting you, Preston.
- Where do you want the speakers?
- In the dining room.
You guys shouId hit the road.
I'm taking your Ferrari
to buy hookers.
We'II caII you Iater to check in.
I'II be so high,
I won't know where the phone is.
That's my boy.
Jake, what are you doing here?
I'm taking you to Preston's big party.
I can't.
I'm not dressed to go to a party.
I'm a compIete mess.
I'd say you're one big fucking
train wreck.
Do I know you?
That's it. I've got it.
What?
It might seem crazy,
but you'II have to trust me.
That's it.
I did it. I'm a miracIe-worker.
GentIemen...
...may I present to you
the new and improved...
...Janey Briggs.
CongratuIations. You just got
your first sIow-motion entrance.
I'm okay!
Janey?
Come on out of there, honey.
Quit farting around.
- Got your mom's car keys?
- Check.
- SIeeping bags.
- Check.
- Condoms.
- Check.
Three pubescent Iibidos to take us
on a series of wiId adventures.
Check! Road trip!
We here.
GentIemen, tonight we go to our
first high-schooI party.
This is the pIace to buzz the BriIIo.
How you pIan on buzzing BriIIo?
With this Ietter.
Amanda Becker wiII know the truth:
I've Ioved her since I first saw her.
WeIcome to the party.
If you're going to have sex,
do it in my parents' bedroom.
- Does she go to our schooI?
- It's not even the same person.
Janey-stainey-stained-pants-overaIIs?
How did you taIk me into this?
PrisciIIa's freaking out
now that Janey's Iost her ponytaiI.
I'm going to go
fuck a compIete stranger.
Hey, I'm a compIete stranger.
ReIax, aII right?
It's going to be okay.
Nice turtIeneck.
What's your name?
I'm Sandy Sue.
Limp-dick fag fucker!
Who toId you that?
AIison?
AIison was bitter when we broke up.
- CompIeteIy fake.
- Yeah, that's not her reaI hair coIour.
- She's wearing the same outfit as me.
- It Iooks much better on you.
Where is she?
I thought she'd be here by now.
What's going on?
We can't taIk
untiI she starts moving again.
She took forever this time.
What are you doing here?
What do you mean?
I'm supposed to be the onIy bIack guy
at this party.
- Damn. Shit.
- Yeah, I know.
It's whack.
My bad, man.
- Take this.
- Thanks.
Do your thing.
- Peace out, brother.
- Honest mistake.
Hi, my name is Catherine.
Yeah, I know.
We just had sex five minutes ago.
Not scoring any cock, either?
Cock? I've never even been kissed.
What up, my yeIIow brothers?
Chinks in the house!
Reggie Ray, have you
seen Janey anywhere?
It's a good night for smoking.
Ain't that right, Sausage?
Okay, now cIose your eyes
and wet your Iips.
- Are you for reaI?
- Do you want to Iearn or not?
I guess.
- See? That wasn't so scary.
- It was nothing.
Okay.
Let's try again.
OnIy this time, I'm gonna
stick my tongue in your mouth.
And when I do that, I want you
to massage my tongue with yours.
- And that's what first base is.
- Okay.
Eyes cIosed.
That was cooI.
Now...
...have you ever eaten pussy before?
You caII this a party?!
I'm a goIden goddess!
- Show us how drunk you are!
- Go for it!
You're a unique rebeI, Janey!
Janey, are you aII right?
- I toId you not to Iet me drink.
- I gave you a nonaIcohoIic beer.
What the heII are you doing here?
I was invited.
Look, you may have Iost those gIasses
and that ponytaiI thing...
...but you're stiII a Ioser.
Look at that. Oh, my God.
That's going to stain.
You're not going to cry now, are you?
Look, you can't just start
a sIow cIap at any oId time.
- You gotta wait for the right moment.
- When is the right moment?
You'II know.
Nobody's aIIowed down here.
Janey, I just thought...
How did you get in here?
I deadboIted the door.
There's a hoIe in the side
of your house.
Who's that?
- It's my mother.
- You have her eyes.
She died when I was .
I'm sorry.
I remember it Iike it was yesterday.
Christmas, . Dad had been
fired from the zipper factory.
Mom was puIIing in tricks
to make ends meet.
DanieI Day-Lewis won an Oscar
for My Left Foot.
And aII I wanted was
a IittIe Betsy Wetsy doII.
I remember those. Push her beIIy,
she'd piss aII over herseIf.
She said she was going out
to get my dad a bottIe of gin...
...but I knew she was going
to get me that present.
It was raining reaIIy hard
that night...
...and the roads were sIippery.
Oh, God, Janey.
A car accident.
No. Cancer.
I had to take on
aII of her responsibiIities:
Cooking and cIeaning
and breast-feeding Mitch.
It's in the past.
Think about your future.
Look how taIented you are.
I have this dream of just
hopping on a pIane and going to Paris.
There's an art schooI
but I can't afford it.
UnIess I raise $
before the admissions cutoff.
My parents give a schoIarship to girIs
who can't get into art schooI.
ReaIIy? That's amazing.
This year we gave it to Lupe,
the Mexican finger painter.
I think you'd reaIIy Iike her work.
Sometimes I wish my Iife
was a fairy taIe...
...and some guy wouId come
and take me away.
- My eyes were shut.
- And we couIdn't even...
- I'm going to go.
- Okay.
Congratulations to the menand women nominated for prom queen.
Think you'II be prom queen?
WeII, think again, Janey.
You put the "ass" in "embarrassment."
The " boo" in "taboo."
And the "suck" in " Iiposuction."
Is that the best you can do?
No.
You aIso put the " brat"
in " bratwurst."
And the "eew" in "jujitsu."
And the " ism" in "This is aII
just a defence mechanism."
So I toId her, "Take the oId Iady and
send your mama back."
So, you asked your four-eyed
circus freak to the prom yet?
We resent that!
Why don't you just drop it, Austin?
Jake made a few paint stains
in his pants thinking about Janey.
It's just a bet. Okay, man?
You aIways had a thing
for ugIy girIs...
...Mr. I-Have-
a-Thing-For-UgIy-GirIs.
You mean Janey?
She Iooks as good
as a dumpster fuII of gristIes.
BIing-bIing.
Janey Briggs...
...is hot.
- Hey, Janey.
- Hey, Jake.
I've been doing a Iot of thinking...
...and there's something
I want to ask you.
I don't want to make
a big deaI of it...
...so I'm just gonna Iay it out there,
okay?
Here it is.
See, I don't Iike making big speeches.
I'm a straight shooter.
I caII them Iike I see them.
What you see is what you get.
Ain't nobody gonna break my stride.
Ain't nobody gonna sIow me down.
Jake, are you trying
to ask me to the...?
Yeah.
I'd Iove to go with you.
Great. Great.
I'II see you in EngIish.
It's time to pIay some footbaII!
The John Hughes Wasps tak e onthe North Compton Wildcats.
Goddamn!
That's the fastest haIf
of footbaII ever.
We saw you at our practice.
I know you stoIe our routine.
I don't know what you mean.
We do our own cheers. Right, girIs?
That's right.
WeII then, you better bring it.
Oh, it's aIready been broughten.
Nice comeback, PrisciIIa! Yeah!
We are the North Compton WildcatsWe're black, we know itWe shak e our booty and show itWe ain't white
We ain't white
We definitely ain't white
Break it down, nigga
Damn, those bitches represent!
- Reggie Ray.
- I smeII a bet.
You aII right?
Coach says it's okay
to bIeed from the ears.
I got to go back out on the fieId.
AII right. Be carefuI.
You onIy have three...
Two concussions Ieft. Reggie Ray.
And we're back.
Let's go, Wasps!
BIue ! Set!
That's defence right there.
Say "good day" to Reggie Ray.
Sit down. He got the wind
knocked out of him.
Come on, Reggie Ray, get up!
You stiII have another concussion!
Come on, dog!
It doesn't Iook good, coach.
- Can he pIay?
- He's in a coma.
Answer my question! Can he pIay?
He can't breathe.
Get him to a hospitaI.
Listen right now!
I don't care what you have to do!
He stays in the game, goddamn it!
HoIy shit, this motherfucker's heavy.
BIue !
Set! Hut!
Goddamn it, Reggie Ray!
Aw, shit.
Wham, bam!
What the fuck just happened?
Okay, WyIer, I've got no choice.
You're the onIy quarterback I've got.
-I say give the ball to Marty. -I'm just happy being on the field. -You'll always wonder, "What if?"-I'm a hero!
Goddamn it! Get in the game!
You're our onIy chance!
- You're a pussy, WyIer!
- Do it for Marty's torso!
You got butterfIies, huh?
Who are you?
I'm the wise janitor.
I impart knowIedge
and heIp overcome fears.
I aIso repIace the urinaI cakes.
I'm here to heIp you
get your throw back.
- How did you...?
- I've been watching.
During practice, in the haIIways,
in the Iockers, taking a shower...
...whipping boys with a wet toweI.
- Can teII you kind of Iike that.
- Hey! Let's get back to the throw.
What happened to Marty
wasn't your fauIt.
ReaIIy?
Okay, it was.
But you got to get over it.
It couId've happened to anybody.
Anybody that disobeyed the coach
and the team...
...and threw to a -pound kid
who shouIdn't have been on the fieId.
Stop! How is any of this
supposed to be heIping me?
Right. Forget what I said.
You got to go out there, beIieve
in the baII and throw yourseIf.
You can do it.
I'm going out there.
Only seconds remaining, and the season... ... rests in the hands of fourth-stringquarterback Jak e Wyler. Translation: We're shit out of luck.
Give me a W!
Give me a Y!
Give me a...
Lick my pussy ass cock shit!
Lick my pussy ass cock shit!
BIue !
I reckon I'm feeIing better.
Set! Hut!
Shit.
That has to be the worst pass
I've ever seen, ever.
What the heII was that?
- You did great out there.
- I bIew the game, Janey.
I Iet everyone down.
It's just a footbaII game, Jake.
Besides...
...you didn't Iet me down.
ReaIIy?
Jake, you've taught me to be myseIf.
You never saw me as the girI
in gIasses.
Don't forget
the paint-covered overaIIs.
Right, you never noticed those either.
You taught me a Iot about myseIf too.
Oh, Jake. Nothing couId
ever come between us now.
Jake WyIer.
CongratuIations.
You bIew my perfect season.
-Señor You-BIew-My-Perfect-Season.
- What do you want, Austin?
A Iife.
And payback.
- Come on, don't do this.
- No, I'II hang around.
Maybe teII Janey a IittIe
S-E-C-R-A-T-P...
What's going on?
This isn't funny!
No.
I don't beIieve it.
I said I'd turn you into prom queen
when I thought you were ugIy...
...the girI with no friends who was
dirt poor and smeIIed a IittIe funky.
Look, I made a mistake.
If I couId go back, I never wouId've
made that stupid bet.
What bet?
I never said anything about a bet.
AII I said was:
" I'm pretending to whisper...
...so Jake thinks I'm teIIing you
a secret, and wiII confess...
...reveaIing a secret and confirming
everything I whispered in your ear."
I wish I didn't mak e that betThat's not the guy I want to be
If I could just turn back the clockThen Janey would still be with me
Tell me, Mom, what should I do? I love this boyBut he has been untrue
I'll do my best to mak e things rightI wish we could resolve this fightIt could happenIt could happenAt the prom tonightI'm getting pussy no matter whatEven if it with dirty slutTrue love is what I want the mostI just jerk ed off in your French toastSo what if we have the same motherTonight I'm going to fuck my brotherIn a few hoursI'll be queen of the promI've been an alcoholicSince my first tour in NamI ask ed Janey to the promAnd she doesn't know whyI'm only in the song because
I'm a black guyI have no moneyI have to mak e my own dressLook at me, my breasts are perky, yesI'm gonna win her backNo matter what it tak esHere I go, I'm gonna forget about Jak e
Prom tonightProm tonightProm tonightIt's gonna happen, gonna happenAt the promTonight
When I was a freshman,
I threw touchdown passes.
My sophomore year, I ran in
on my own with a sprained ankIe...
...a broken phaIange, a ruptured
duodenum and a subdermaI hematoma.
I bet she great bonk.
Excuse me, Bruce? No.
You don't bonk Amanda Becker.
You make sweet, sweet Iove to her.
Amanda Becker's Iike a fIower.
You smeII her.
You touch her gentIy.
You admire the beauty.
You watch it bIossom.
And you thank God he created
something so perfect.
Go to her.
Be strong, Mitch!
What do you expect from me?
- Do you think I'II have sex with you?
- No! You don't understand.
Because I am not a cheap sIut.
I don't screw every pathetic guy
that gives me a Ietter.
I give them handjobs.
- Want to dance?
- OnIy if we're horizontaI.
I totaIIy heard that.
We're dancing.
It's funny.
You'd never suspect everyone
here is a professionaI dancer.
Oh, God. No.
I want to do it here
on the dance fIoor.
Don't you forget our deaI.
She wins, you're mine.
And now the moment every popuIar guy
who's made a bet...
...to turn a rebeIIious girI
into prom queen has been waiting for:
The announcement
of the prom king and queen.
This year's prom king is...
Marty!
...Jake WyIer!
Way to go, Jake!
This year's prom queen is...
You got it, PrisciIIa!
I don't beIieve it. It's a tie.
A tie?
- HoIy shit!
- Oh, my God.
Your new prom queens are...
...Kara and Sara FrateIIi.
- Fuck.
- Oh, my God!
- They deserve it.
CongratuIations!
There we go! Your king and queen.
I say we make Iike a tree
and branch...
...out of here.
AII right, Kara and Sara.
Now, it is traditionaI
for the king and queen...
...to share a ceremoniaI dance.
- Come here.
You smeII good.
Do you know where Austin went?
I know he rented a room at
the Sunrise MoteI. Room number six.
Past the ice dispenser. Hit
the Pepsi machine, you went too far.
Oh, and the door wiII not be Iocked.
That's aII I know.
Thanks, MaIik.
You're inteIIigent and insightfuI.
You don't get the respect you deserve.
You reaIIy mean that, Jake?
That's great! I've aIways wanted
to discuss...
I actuaIIy got to go. Sorry.
Motherfucker.
HoId it right there, mister.
I am not going to Iet you hurt Janey
again, okay? Besides, I Iove her.
WeII, so do I.
But I'm the best friend, and I've
been in front of her the whoIe time...
...and she just doesn't reaIize
it yet, but she wiII.
I'm the cooI guy who's Iearned
the error of his ways.
She'II forgive my mistakes
and reaIize I Iove her.
Damn it. That's true.
Why's this door Iocked?
It's a fire hazard!
Get out of the road!
Hey, watch it, man!
She's not attracted to you!
She doesn't Iove you!
You'II never be more than a friend!
Two doIIars!
Ice dispenser.
Six.
Yeah! I'II make you forget aII
about Iosing prom queen.
TeII me who your daddy is!
TeII me who your papa is!
Get off her, man!
PrisciIIa.
Don't move.
- What's going on?
- Something beautifuI.
- Where's Janey?
- Miss Run-Home-To-My-Daddy...
...ran home to her daddy.
- That's for taking Janey to the prom.
- You put the...
- That's for hurting her at the party!
- This is reaIIy turning me on.
That's for being reaIIy weird.
Thank you.
I don't know what that was for.
I never thought I'd hear myseIf
say this...
...but for once, I wish I couId meet
a nice, sensitive guy...
...who wanted more than just sex.
That is very admirabIe.
I wish a guy wouId
take me out for dinner.
I feeI the same way.
And for once...
...I wish a guy wouId take a dump
on my chest.
That is appaIIing.
That reaIIy upsets me.
I can't beIieve nobody's ever taken
a dump on your chest.
WiII you be that guy?
It wouId be an honour and a priviIege.
HeIIo?
Is anybody home?
Get down! Enemy fire!
Mr. Briggs?
Excuse me, sir.
Do you know where Janey is?
She went out there. On her own.
There's CharIie everywhere.
Right. Do you know where she went?
CouIdn't take it. Went to the airport.
Something about Paris.
Her tour was over.
Paris. Thank you, sir.
I need ammo! I can't hoId them off
much Ionger!
Off the road, you gIasses
and ponytaiI freak!
Two doIIars!
- Two doIIars!
- Two doIIars!
Next stop, airport. The red zone is for the loadingand unloading of passengers. No parking. Attention, please.
All red Porsche s park ed in the
white zone will be towed immediately. Paris Air, flight to art schoolin Paris... ... from gate is now boarding.
Excuse me, everyone!
There's a girI, boarding a pIane
right now to Paris, that I Iove.
If I don't get there in time
and teII her how I feeI...
...I may never see her again.
Go get her, son.
Good Iuck, young man.
- Go get her!
- Go for it.
Oh, heII, just go.
Freeze, bitch!
You're bIeeding on my suitcase.
Excuse me!
Excuse me, everyone!
There's a girI about to board a pIane
to Paris right now that I Iove...
We aIready heard that one. AsshoIe.
This is the final call for Paris Airflight to art school... ... departing from gate .
Hey, shithead, that's mine.
Give it back!
Just beIieve in the baII, Jake.
And throw yourseIf.
Nice shot, Jake.
Thank God I got to you in time.
I'm not going to Iet you go to Paris.
-This is the final call...
- Why not?
... for flight to art school. If you're finding words to stop a girlfrom leaving, now would be the time.
I made that bet before I knew you.
Before I reaIIy knew me.
Oh, Jake.
Okay, hold it right there.
TeII me you didn't quote
Freddie Prinze Jr.
I knew it. That was a Iine
from She's All That.
I masturbate to that movie.
Do you mind?
No, not at aII.
Masturbation's very heaIthy.
Janey, you said you couIdn't beIieve
in someone that didn't beIieve in you.
WeII, I beIieved in you.
I aIways beIieved in you.
Oh, Jake.
Oh, God. I can't believe
you fell for that crap.
- That's Pretty in Pink.
- Are you sure?
Trust me.
- Excuse me. What are you doing?
- Let me give you some advice, Jake.
Lose the I'm-The-Cute-And-Sensitive
PopuIar-Boy routine.
It's pathetic.
And teII Janey
what's true in your heart.
Stop being such a IittIe bitch.
And you. Miss Other-Side-Of-The-Tracks
Awkward-RebeI-With-GIasses.
Wise up to Jake's buIIshit.
Stop being such a dumb-ass.
She's right.
- Janey...
- Yes, Jake?
Maybe you shouId get on that pIane
and go to Paris.
WeII, if you stay,
we reaIIy onIy have the summer.
Then I go to coIIege. We'II spend
the occasionaI weekend together.
Which is nice.
But chances are, one night I'II get
wrecked and have sex with some girI.
You'II caII me a sIut.
I'II caII you a cocktease
and we'II break up.
So when you reaIIy think about it,
what's the point?
WeII, that wasn't exactIy the kind
of truth I was expecting.
But I'm not gonna faII for it.
How big a dumb-ass do you think I am?
You obviousIy stoIe that
from Karate Kid.
No, actuaIIy, I...
Jake, it's okay.
I Iove you too.
We aII know where this is going.
Fucking teenagers.
This is it.
The right moment.
Son of a bitch!
Betty...
...meet ApoIIonia.
We're going to have a three-way.
SubtitIes by
SDI Media Group
Sun's burned my corneaI can no longer see
I'm not kiddingSomebody please fucking help me
Quick! Grab her guitar.