Voila! Finally, the Office Space
script is here for all you fans of the Mike Judge move that, quite frankly,
is easily the best office-related comedy of all time. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Office Space. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
OFFICE SPACE
Starring
Ron Livingston (Peter), Jennifer Aniston (Joanna), Ajay Naidu (Samir),
David Herman (Michael), and Gary Cole (Bill
Written by:
Transcribed by
Jean Liew
[Scene: A highway. There's a huge traffic jam. Peter drives forward a
bit at a time and he sees an old man with a walker on the sidewalk. The
lane next to his is moving, so he switches lanes, only to have it stop
and the lane he was on move. He switches back and then it happens
again. The old man is now ahead of him.]
Cut to Michael, who's rapping along with the radio. A black guy selling
papers walks by and he shuts the windows and turns down the volume. He
passes and he turns it back up again.
Cut to Samir. He grabs the steering wheel and shakes it in frustration.
SAMIR
Motherf - shit - sonofa - ass!! I just -
He hits the steering wheel.
Cut to Milton at a bus stop. TN
He mumbles his coming lines, as he does with all his lines.
MILTON
It's late again. If I'm there late again, I will be dismissed.
[Scene: Initech parking lot. Bill drives into his special spot.
(Reserved for Bill Lumbergh) He turns on the alarm for his Porsche
(license plate: MY PRSHE) and walks in. Peter walks in too.]
Cut to inside. Peter pauses at the door and slowly reaches out to touch
the metal handle. It gives him a shock and he enters.
Cut to the cubicles. Peter goes into his. He picks up papers, turns on
the computer and sits down.
NINA
Corporate Counsels Payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
(repeats that over and over)
Bill comes up to Peter.
BILL
Hello, Peter. What's happening? Uh… we have sort of a problem here.
Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new coversheets on your TPS
reports.
PETER
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I, I forgot.
BILL
MMMM..YEAH. YOU SEE, WE'RE PUTTING THE COVERSHEETS ON ALL TPS REPORTS
NOW BEFORE THEY GO OUT. DID YOU SEE THE MEMO ABOUT THIS?
PETER
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I've got the memo right here, but, uh, uh, I just
forgot. But, uh, it's not shipping out until tomorrow, so there's no
problem.
BILL
Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on,
that will be great. And Uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another
copy of that memo Mmmm, Ok?
He walks away.
PETER
Yeah, yeah, I've got the memo, I've got -
He picks it up but Bill's at another cubicle.
BILL
Hello, Phil. What's happening?
Peter tries to read his papers, but a loud radio (news) is bothering
him. He stands up and sees it's Milton.
PETER
Milton? Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit?
MILTON
Uh, they said I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from
nine to eleven while I'm collating….
PETER
But, no, no, no. I know you're allowed to, I was just thinking, like a
personal favor, y'know?
MILTON
I, I told Bill that if Sandra's going to listen to her headphones while
she' working, I can listen to the radio while I'm collating -
PETER
Ok.
MILTON
So I don't see why -
PETER
Ok.
MILTON
The radio, I can't -
PETER
Yeah! All right!
He sits down.
MILTON
I enjoy listening to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to
eleven.
Dom walks up.
DOM
Hello, Peter. What's happening? (Big smile)We need to talk about your
TPS reports.
PETER
Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
DOM
Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo?
PETER
Yeah. (holds it up) I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The
problem is, I just forgot this time. And I've already taken care of it
so it's not a problem anymore.
Dom nods.
DOM
Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS
reports before now before they go out now. So I'd really appreciate it
if you could just remember to do that. from now on. That'd be great.
He walks away. Peter's phone rings and he answers it.
PETER
Peter Gibbons. (listens) Yes. (listens) I have the memo.
[Scene Another part of the room. Paper jams in the printer.]
SAMIR
Oh no! Not again! Why does it say paper jam when there is no paper
jam?!! I, I swear to God, one of these days, I, I, I just kick this
piece of shit out the window!!!
MICHAEL
you and me both, man. The thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir grabs the paper out, tearing off the bottom part of it.
SAMIR
Piece of shit!!
Nina comes with papers.
NINA
Sam...ire...Na...Na...Naga...
Samir gets it.
NINA
Uh-huh!
SAMIR
Please.
He sits in his and Michael's cubicle.
NINA
Michael… - (Michael reaches for it) Bolton?
MICHAEL
That's me.
NINA
Wow! Is that your real name?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
NINA
So are you related to the singer guy?
MICHAEL
No, it's just a coincidence.
SAMIR
How come no one in this country can pronounce my name right? It's Na-
gee-een-ah-jah. Nagaenajar
MICHAEL
At least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
SAMIR
Michael, there's nothing wrong with that name.
MICHAEL
There was nothing wrong with it. Until I was about nine years old and
that no-talent assclown became famous and started winning Grammys.
SAMIR
Well, why don't just go by Mike, instead of Michael?
MICHAEL
WHY SHOULD I CHANGE IT? HE'S THE ONE WHO SUCKS.
Peter comes up to their cubicle.
PETER
HEY GUYS.
MICHAEL
What's up G?
PETER
Wanna go to Chotchkie's, get some coffee?
SAMIR
It's a little early...
PETER
I gotta get out of here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
NINA
Uh oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
[Scene Chotchkie's. They're sitting at a booth thing.]
PETER
Boy. I tell ya, one of these days... One of these days it's gonna be
like
He mimics a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, does it too, in Peter's face.
BRIAN
(LAUGHS)
SO CAN I GET YOU GENTLEMEN SOMETHING MORE TO DRINK? OR MAYBE SOMETHING
TO NIBBLE ON? SOME PIZZA SHOOTERS, SHRIMP POPPERS, OR EXTREME FAJITAS.
PETER
Just coffee.
BRIAN
Oh. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
He goes to take some more orders.
PETER
What if we're still doing this when we're 50?
SAMIR
It could be nice to have that kind of job security.
PETER
Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday, I, I can tell already. I'm
doing it because, because, uh, I'm a big pussy. Which is why I work at
Initech to begin with.
MICHAEL
Uh, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, ok?
SAMIR
Yes, I am also not a pussy.
MICHAEL
I'm gonna find out the hard way that I'm not a pussy if they don't
start treating us software people better.
SAMIR
That's right.
MICHAEL
They don't understand. I could come up with a program that could rip
that place off big time…big time.
PETER
Yeah.
Cut to Joanna, a pretty waitress.
Cut back to the guys.
PETER
Oh, there she is.
SAMIR
Peter, you, you always talk about this girl. If you're so obsessed with
her, why don't you just ask her out?
PETER
Because I'm just another asshole customer. You can't just walk up to a
waitress and ask her out.
(cut to Joanna, and back to them)
Plus, I'm still trying to work it out with Anne. Oh, that reminds me.
I'm not going to be able to play poker with you guys on Friday.
MICHAEL
Why not?
PETER
Uh, I have to see this occupational hypnotherapist with Anne.
MICHAEL
Dude! An occupational hypnotherapist?!
PETER
Anne wants me to go. She thinks it might help. Y'know, sometimes I just
think, I keep thinking that she's cheating on me.
MICHAEL
Yeah. I know what you mean.
SAMIR
Yeah.
PETER
What is that supposed to mean?
MICHAEL
Nothing. Why don't you just tell Anne you're not into hypnosis and you
want to play poker with us?
PETER
Ah, I can't do that. She might get all pissed off at me. Besides, I
think the guy might be able to help. He did help Anne lose weight.
SAMIR
Peter, she's anorexic.
PETER
Yeah, I know. The guy's really good.
MICHAEL
An occupational hypnotherapist isn't going to help you solve any of
your problems. And speaking of problems, what's this I hear about you
having problems with your TPS reports?
SAMIR
Yeah. Didn't you get that memo?
Peter sighs.
[Scene Outside Initech. Tom, another employee, runs across the street,
towards Samir, Peter and Michael.]
TOM
Hey! Hey, guys! Samir!!
SAMIR
Is that Tom Smykowski?
PETER
What's he doing?
MICHAEL
Oh, probably working on another heart attack.
TOM
Have you guys see this?
He hands them a piece of paper.
MICHAEL
What? It's the staff meeting. So what?
TOM
We're all screwed, that's what. They're gonna downsize Initech.
SAMIR
Oh, what are you talking about Tom? How do you know that?
TOM
They're bringing in a consultant - that's how I know. That's what this
staff meeting is all about! That's what happened at Initrode last year.
You have an interview with a consultant and they bring in efficiency
experts. You're interviewing for your own job!
MICHAEL
Tom, every week you say you're losing your job and you're still here.
TOM
I'm going to be the first one they're gonna lay off. Just the thought
of having to go to the State Unemployment Office and having to stand in
line with those scumbags!!!
[Scene Michael and Samir's cubicle. They're sitting there worrying.]
MICHAEL
Shit. Shit.
TOM
You know there are people in this world who don't have to put up with
all this shit? Like that guy that invented the pet rock. You see,
that's what you have to do. You have to use your mind and come up with
some really great idea like that and you never have to work again!
MICHAEL
I don't think the pet rock was really such a good idea.
TOM
The guy made a million dollars! Y'know… I had an idea like that once.
PETER
Really? What was it, Tom?
TOM
Well, all right. It was a Jump… to Conclusions-mat. You see, it would
be this mat that you would put on the floor and it would have different
conclusions written on it that you could…jump to.
MICHAEL
That is the worse idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
SAMIR
Yes, yes, it's horrible…this idea….
TOM
Ah, look. I, I gotta get outta here. I'll see you guys later, if I
still have a job.
He goes to his cubicle.
PETER
Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you would do if
we had a million dollars and didn't have to work. And invariably,
whatever we would say, that was supposed to be our careers. If you
wanted to build cars, then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
SAMIR
So what did you say?
PETER
I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
MICHAEL
No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to
begin with.
(The printer is not working)
If that quiz worked, there would be no janitors, because no one would
clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
SAMIR
Well, I would invest half of it in ??? Mutual Funds and give the rest
of it to my friend, Saheib, in Securities.
MICHAEL
Samir, the point of the exercise is that you could figure out what you
want to do. And then…
(reads the printer's display)
"PC load letter"?!! What the fuck does that mean?!!
He knocks off the paper tray.
[Scene Peter's apartment. He enters, tired, and sits down on the couch.
He then turns on the TV.]
LAWRENCE
(V/O, FROM NEXT DOOR)
HEY PETER-MAN! CHECK OUT CHANNEL NINE! IT'S THE BREAST EXAM! CHECK OUT
THIS CHICK!
PETER
Lawrence, can't you just pretend like we can't hear each other through
the wall?
LAWRENCE
Oh! I'm sorry man, is Anne over there or something?
PETER
No! But if you just want to talk to me, just come over.
Lawrence does so; it takes him like ten seconds.
LAWRENCE
Hey man. Check this out, dude.
He changes channels a bunch of times
Pepsi commercial, a soap opera and another show. He stops on breast
exam.
PETER
Oh geez, Lawrence.
LAWRENCE
I'm sorry, man. I thought you'd wanna see this. Doesn't this chick look
like Anne?
PETER
Yeah, a little bit.
LAWRENCE
Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still going out?
PETER
I guess, yeah. I, I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling that she's
cheating on me.
LAWRENCE
Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
PETER
What do you mean by that?
LAWRENCE
I don't know , man, I just get that feeling looking at her, like - I'm
sorry, man. Look, I, I, I, I, I, I'm talking out of my ass. I don't
know.
He gets up.
PETER
It's ok. I just had a rough day.
LAWRENCE
Tell me about it, man.
(sits on the couch)
I gotta wake my ass up at six AM every day of this week and drag
myself up to Vascalinas. Yeah, I'm doing the drywall up there at the
new McDonalds.
PETER
Let me ask you something. When you come in on Mondays, and you're not
feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say "sounds like
someone's got a case of the Mondays"?
LAWRENCE
No. No, man, shit, no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked for
sayin' something like that, man.
PETER
Huh.
LAWRENCE
We still going fishing this weekend?
PETER
Nah. Lumbergh's gonna make me come in this Saturday. I know it.
LAWRENCE
Well, you can get out of that easily.
PETER
Yeah, how?
LAWRENCE
(Gets up)
Well, when you work on an Saturday, he generally asks you at the end of
the day, right?
(gets a beer)
So all you have to do is avoid him –
(peter offers him a bottle cap remover)
That's all right, i got one –
(he gets on from his pocket)
The last few hours of the day. And turn off your answering machine, you
should be home free then.
PETER
That's a really good idea. (sits on the couch) Lawrence, what would you
do if you had a million dollars?
He sits down.
LAWRENCE
I'll tell you what I'll do, man--Two chicks at the same time.
Peter laughs.
PETER
That's it? If you had a million dollars, that's what you'd do, two
chicks at the same time?
LAWRENCE
Damn straight, man. I've always wanted to do that. I figure if I were a
millionaire, I could hook that up. Chicks dig guys with money.
PETER
Well not all chicks….
LAWRENCE
Well, the type that double up on a guy like me do.
PETER
Good point.
LAWRENCE
NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
PETER
Besides two chicks at the same time?
LAWRENCE
Oh yeah.
PETER
Nothing.
LAWRENCE
Nothing, huh?
PETER
I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
LAWRENCE
You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my
cousin. He's broke and don't do shit.
[Scene Peter's room. He's in bed and he keeps hearing voices.]
NINA
Corporate payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate payroll,
Nina speaking. Just a moment. Corporate payroll, Nina speaking. Just a
moment.
Peter buries his head in his pillow.
[Scene The staff meeting. Peter's watch reads Friday 12, 10:37.
Everyone's standing outside their cubicles. There's a banner that says
"Is This Good for the COMPANY?"]
BILL
So you should ask yourself, with every decision that you make (points
to the banner) Is this good for the company? Am I helping the best way
that I can for the company...
PETER
Is that the guy?
TOM
Yeah...
BILL
Good. Well, uh, I'd like to, uh, welcome a new member to our team. Uh,
Bob Slydell. Yeah. Uh, he is, uh, a consultant. Yeah. He is a
consultant. (Tom shakes his head) He'll be helping us out a little
here, asking some questions, making sure things go a little more
smoothly. Yeah. Oh and remember, next Friday is Hawaiian shirt day! So,
y'know, if you want to, go ahead and uh, wear a Hawaiian shirt and
jeans.
[Scene Milton's cubicle, under the banner. He's on the phone with
Peter.]
MILTON
I, I don't care if they, if they lay me off either, because I, I told
Bill that if he moves my desk one more time, then, then I'm quitting.
I'm going to quit. And I told Dom too because they've moved my desk
four times. I used to be by the window, where I could see the squirrels
and they were merry. But then they switched from the Swingline to the
Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline. (he's holding his red
Swingline) (Camera pans to Peter) They have my staples for the Boston
and I kept the staples from the Swingline stapler.
PETER
Ok, Milton.
MILTON
And if, if they take my stapler, I will, I will set this building on
fire.
PETER
Oh, that's great. I will talk to you later.
He hangs up and looks at his watch
4:45. Peter looks around and sees Bill. He ducks and peeks to see Bill
talking with some workers. He quickly tries to save his files, but the
computer is slower than he'd like. Bill is talking to other guys.
PETER
Oh, come on! (it finished saving, but starts to save another file) Oh,
for crying out -!
He peeks over the wall again. The computer finally finished saving and
he turns it off. He peeks over the wall but Bill's not there. He gets
ready to leave and almost runs into Bill.
BILL
Hello Peter. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you go ahead and come
in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great.
(starts to walk away) Oh, oh, yea…I forgot. I'm gonna also need you to
come in Sunday too. We, uh, lost some people this week and we need to
sorta catch up. Thanks.
[Scene Outside the clinic. A sign says
Hypnotherapist; Dr. Swanson, CCS; Anxiety, Depression, Marriage, Weight
Loss, Smoking, Insurance
Cut to inside. Anne is with Peter. Opposite them are Dr. Swanson and
two other patients.
PETER
So I'm sitting in my cubicle today and I realized that ever since I
started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the
day before it. So it means that every single day you see me, that's on
the worse day of my life.
DR. SWANSON
What about today? Is today the worse day of your life?
PETER
Yeah.
DR. SWANSON
Oh, that's bad stuff.
PETER
I'm sorry.
DR. SWANSON
Ok.
PETER
But is there any way that you, you could just sock me out so there's no
way that I'll know I'm at work? Right here? (points to his head) Can I
just come home and think I've been fishing all day or something?
DR. SWANSON
That's really not what I do, Peter. However, the good news is, I think
I can help you. I want you to do something for me, Peter. (dims the
lights) I want you to try and relax. I want you to relax every muscle
in your body, from your toes to your fingertips. Now I want you to
relax your legs. You're going to begin to feel your eyelids getting
heavy as you slip deeper and deeper into a state of complete
relaxation. the air of concerns to you is disappearing. Deeper, way
down, your concerns about your job melts away. Way, way down. Now when
I count backwards from three, you'll be in a state of complete
relaxation. your worries, cares and ambitions will be gone. And you
will remain in that state until I snap my fingers. Three. Deeper and
deeper. Way down, way down. Two. Way down. One.
He faints out of the chair and everyone rushes to his aid.
ANNE
Oh my God, Dr. Swanson! Ooh! Ooh! Is he dead? Oh!
She runs to get help. Peter just sits there and smiles. The hypnosis
thing apparently worked...
[Scene Peter's bedroom. Saturday morning, 8:00. His alarm clock beeps
and he sits up. He looks at the clock and decides to go back to sleep.]
Cut to later. Peter's still asleep. The phone rings and the answering
machine picks up.
BILL
Yah, hi. It's Bill Lundbergh. It's about ten o' clock, uh, wondering
where you are.
Cut to later. Peter's still asleep. The phone rings again.
BILL
ON MACHINE) YEAH, HI, IT'S BILL LUMBERGH AGAIN. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE
SURE YOU KNEW THAT WE, UH, DID START AT THE, UH, USUAL TIME THIS
MORNING. (PETER ROLLS OVER...) YEAH, IT ISN'T A HALF DAY OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT. SO IF YOU COULD GET HERE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, THAT WOULD BE
TERRIFIC.
Cut to later. Peter finally gets up. The answering machine has
seventeen messages. He listens to them.
BILL
Yeah, hi, it's Bill Lum -
Next message
BILL
Yeah, it's -
Next message
BILL
Yeah, hi, it's Bill Lumbergh -
Next message
BILL
Yeah, it's me again. Uh, I was away from my desk for a minute. Just
checking in case you called while I was gone.
The phone rings. Peter answers it.
PETER
Hello?
ANNE
Peter, what's going on?!
PETER
Huh?
ANNE
It's 3:30. Why aren't you at work?!
PETER
Because I didn't feel like it.
ANNE
Peter, what is wrong with you?! First, you sit there while Dr. Swanson
dies and you just walk out of the car and embarrass me in front of my
friends. Don't blame this on hypnosis either. That's total bull!
Peter hangs up but Anne calls back.
ANNE
ANSWERING MACHINE) LISTEN, ASSHOLE. NO ONE HANGS UP ON ME. WE'RE
THROUGH!!! AND –HA- ONE MORE THING. I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON YOU!!!! (BEEP
Peter gets back into bed.
[Scene Initech. Another staff meeting.]
BILL
From now on, you use the time sheets if you work on two or more job
codes and you need the extra columns to fit it all in. Otherwise, use
the old time sheets...
TOM
Where's Peter? How come he didn't show up this weekend?
MICHAEL
I, I don't know.
BILL
...it would really, really help us out.
MICHAEL
POINTS) WHO'S THAT GUY?
BILL
So, uh, any questions?
[Scene Chotchkie's. Peter enters and goes up to Joanna at the counter.]
PETER
Hi, I'm Peter.
JOANNA
Hi. How can I help you?
PETER
What are you doing for lunch today?
JOANNA
Well, our specials are barbecued chicken - it's actually right over
there on the board. (points) Excuse me.
She goes to take orders.
BRIAN
Hey! Look who's back! Table for three, to -
Peter shoves him out of his way and goes over to Joanna.
PETER
I was asking what you were doing for lunch. Would you like to have
lunch with me?
JOANNA
Oh, are you serious? Yeah, I don't , I don't think I'm supposed to do
that.
PETER
Oh. I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go next door and get a
table and if you'd like to join me, no big deal. All right? And if not,
that's cool too. Ok?
He starts to walk away.
JOANNA
Uh, when you say "next door", do you mean Chili's or Flingers?
PETER
Flingers.
JOANNA
Ok.
[Scene Initech. Bob Slydell and Bob Porter are interviewing Tom.]
BOB SLYDELL
So what you do is you take the specifications from the customers and
you bring them down to the software engineers?
TOM
That, that's right.
BOB PORTER
Well, then I gotta ask, then why can't the customers just take the
specifications directly to the software people, huh?
TOM
Well, uh, uh, uh, because, uh, engineers are not good at dealing with
customers.
BOB SLYDELL
You physically take the specs from the customer?
TOM
Well, no, my, my secretary does that, or, or the fax.
BOB SLYDELL
Ah.
BOB PORTER
Then you must physically bring them to the software people.
TOM
Well...no. Yeah, I mean, sometimes.
BOB SLYDELL
Well, what would you say… you do here?
TOM
Well, look, I already told you. I deal with the goddamn customers so
the engineers don't have to!! I have people skills!! I am good at
dealing with people!!! Can't you understand that?!? WHAT THE HELL IS
WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!!!!!!
CUT TO THE CUBICLES. TOM EXITS THE INTERVIEW ROOM AND MICHAEL ENTERS.
Cut to inside.
BOB SLYDELL
Let's see. You're Michael...Bolton?
He nods.
BOB PORTER
Is that your real name?
MICHAEL
Yeah.
BOB PORTER
Are you in any relation to the pop singer?
MICHAEL
It's just a coincidence.
BOB SLYDELL
LAUGHS) TO BE HONEST WITH YOU, I LOVE HIS MUSIC. I DO . I AM A MICHAEL
BOLTON FAN. FOR MY MONEY, I DON'T THINK IT GETS ANY BETTER THAN WHEN HE
SINGS WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN.
BOB PORTER
I mean you must really love his music.
MICHAEL
Yeah. Yeah…he, he, he's pretty, he's pretty good, I guess.
BOB SLYDELL
You're GOD DAMN right he is.
They laugh.
BOB PORTER
So tell me. What's your favorite song of his?
MICHAEL
Hmm. I, I, I don't know. I mean, I guess, I sorta like 'em all.
The Bobs laugh.
BOB SLYDELL
HA HA! I feel the exact same way, but it must be hard for you, I mean,
having the same name as him. I celebrate the guy's entire catalogue.
But anyway, let's get down to business, Michael!
MICHAEL
You, you know, you can just call me Mike.
They stare at him.
[Scene Flingers. Peter is saving a table and Joanna enters.]
JOANNA
Hi.
PETER
Hey.
JOANNA
I wonder if they will let me wear this in here.
PETER
I think it would be ok. Would you like to sit down?
He motions to a chair.
JOANNA
Ok. (does so) Wow. This place is really nice.
PETER
Yeah, is it?
JOANNA
Oh my God, compared to Chotchkie's. I like the uniforms better anyways.
PETER
I like yours.
JOANNA
Nah. (makes a face
Peter looks at the buttons' wearing on his suspender. One says We're
not in Kansas anymore. The one underneath says POOF.
PETER
"We're not in Kansas anymore."
JOANNA
Yeah. Really. (laughs
PETER
It's on your - (points
JOANNA
Oh! That's, uh, that's uh, my pieces of flair.
PETER
What are pieces of flair?
JOANNA
That's where you know, suspenders and buttons and all sorts of stuff.
We're, uh, we're actually required to wear fifteen pieces of flair.
quite stupid actually.
PETER
Do you get to pick them out yourself?
JOANNA
Yeah. Yeah. Although I didn't actually choose these. I, uh, I just
grabbed fifteen buttons and, uh, I don't even know what they say!
Y'know, I don't really care. I don't really like talking about my
flair.
PETER
Ok.
JOANNA
So, where do you work, uh, Peter?
PETER
Initech.
JOANNA
And, uh, what do you do there, Peter?
PETER
I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
JOANNA
NODS) WHAT'S THAT?
PETER
You see, they wrote all this bank software and to save space, they put
98 instead of 1998. So I go through these thousands of lines of code
and uh, it doesn't really matter. I, uh, I don't like my job. I don't
think I'm gonna go anymore.
JOANNA
You're just not gonna go?
PETER
Yeah.
JOANNA
Won't you get fired?
PETER
I don't know. But I really don't like it so I'm not gonna go.
JOANNA
LAUGHS) SO YOU'RE GONNA QUIT?
PETER
No, no, not really. I'm just gonna stop going.
JOANNA
When did you decide all that?
PETER
About a week ago.
JOANNA
Really?
PETER
Oh, yeah.
JOANNA
Ok. So, so you're gonna get another job?
PETER
I don't think I 'd like another job.
JOANNA
LAUGHS) SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT MONEY AND BILLS?
PETER
Y'know, I never really liked paying bill? I don't think I'll do that
either.
JOANNA
LAUGHS) SO WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
PETER
I want to take you out for dinner and then I wanna go to my apartment
and watch Kung Fu. Did you ever watch Kung Fu?
Joanna gets a weird look on her face.
JOANNA
I love Kung Fu...
PETER
Channel 39.
JOANNA
Totally...
PETER
You should come over and watch Kung Fu tonight.
JOANNA
Ok...
PETER
Great.
JOANNA
Ok. Can we order lunch first?
PETER
Yeah.
JOANNA
Ok.
[Scene Milton's cubicle. He hears bill talking and eavesdrops.]
BILL
...stapler off my desk...
Milton puts his Swingline stapler somewhere else. The guys laugh.
BILL
...anyway, sounds great, Bob. I'll see you in a few. (they walk off)
Hey, Milton, what's happening?
MILTON
Uh...sir...
BILL
Uh, I'm going to have to ask you to move your desk. Now, if you could
get it to go as far back against that wall as possible, that would be
great.
MILTON
No, no, because I was, I was -
BILL
That way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put
in here.
MILTON
No...sir...
BILL
Uh (sees the Swingline) Oh there it is.
MILTON
No. No.
BILL
Let me just get that from ya. (picks it up) Great. So if you could get
to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Have a nice lunch,
Milton. Bye.
He walks off.
MILTON
Ok. I'll set the building on fire.
[Scene Hallway at Initech. Peter enters in casual clothes. Milton walks
up to him.]
MICHAEL
Peter!
PETER
Michael!
MICHAEL
What the hell's going on, man? I thought you were going to come in here
and start shooting.
PETER
I just came to get my address book. I'm not gonna stay. I've got a
number I don't wanna lose.
MICHAEL
What?! Peter, you're in deep shit! You were supposed to come in on
Saturday. What were you doing?
PETER
Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing and it was everything
that I thought it could be.
MICHAEL
Well, I hope you have a better story than that for Lumbergh. You know,
you're supposed to be having your interview right now with the
consultants.
PETER
Who?
He writes down Joanna's number.
MICHAEL
What has gotten into you?
PETER
Oh yeah. Right.
MICHAEL
Peter, Peter you, gotta postpone it man. Tell them you were sick. Make
something up.
PETER
Ah, no way. I feel great.
[Scene The interview room.]
BOB PORTER
The next paper looks like a Peter Gibbons.
Peter enters.
BOB SLYDELL
Aha! All right. We were just talking about you. You must be Peter
Gibbons. Uh huh. Terrific. I'm Bob Slydell and this is my associate,
Bob Porter.
PETER
Hi, Bob. Bob.
BOB PORTER
Why don't you grab a seat and join us for a minute?
He does so.
BOB SLYDELL
Y'see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel
for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk
us through a typical day for you?
PETER
Yeah.
BOB SLYDELL
Great.
PETER
Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the side
door, that way Lumbergh can't see me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta
space out for about an hour.
BOB PORTER
Space out?
PETER
Yeah. I just stare at my desk but it looks like I'm working. I do that
for probably another hour after lunch too. I'd probably, say, in a
given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work.
BOB SLYDELL
Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a
little more?
PETER
Let me tell you something about TPS reports...'
Cut to later. Peter is more relaxed.
PETER
The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy. It's just that I just don't
care.
BOB PORTER
Don't, don't care?
PETER
It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now, if I work my ass off and
Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime. So where's
the motivation? And here's another thing, Bob. I have eight different
bosses right now!
BOB SLYDELL
I beg your pardon?
PETER
Eight bosses.
BOB SLYDELL
Eight?
PETER
Eight, bob. So that means when I make a mistake, I have eight different
people coming by to tell me about it. That's my real motivation - is
not to be hassled. That and the fear of losing my job, but y'know, Bob,
it will only make someone work hard enough not to get fired.
BOB SLYDELL
Bear with me for a minute.
PETER
Ok.
BOB SLYDELL
Believe me, this is hypocritical. But what if you were offered some
kind of stock option and equity sharing program?
PETER
I don't know. I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice
talking to be of you guys.
He shakes their hands.
BOB SLYDELL
Absolutely. It's all on this side of the table, trust me.
PETER
Good luck with your layoffs. I hope your firings go really well.
BOB SLYDELL
Wow.
Cut to the cubicle's. Peter walks past them and into the hall.
BILL
Hey, Peter, what's happening? Listen, uh -
Peter walks right past him.
[Scene Chotchkie's]
STAN
Joanna? Would you come here for a moment, please?
JOANNA
I'm sorry. I was late. I was having lunch.
STAN
I need to talk about your flair.
JOANNA
Really? I have 15 buttons on. I, uh, (shows him
STAN
Well, ok, 15 is minimum, ok?
JOANNA
Ok.
STAN
Now, it's up to you whether or not you want to just do the bare
minimum. Well, like Brian, for example, has 37 pieces of flair. And a
terrific smile.
JOANNA
Ok. Ok, you want me to wear more?
STAN
Look. Joanna.
JOANNA
Yeah.
STAN
People can get a cheeseburger anywhere, ok? They come to Chotchkie's
for the atmosphere and the attitude. That's what the flair's about.
It's about fun.
JOANNA
Ok. So, more then?
STAN
Look, we want you to express yourself, ok? If you think the bare
minimum is enough, then ok. But some people choose to wear more and we
encourage that, ok? You do want to express yourself, don't you?
JOANNA
Yeah. Yeah.
STAN
Great. Great. That's all I ask.
JOANNA
Ok.
[Scene Conference room. Dom and Bill are talking to the two Bob's.]
BOB SLYDELL
Right. So there's three more people we can easily lose. There's Tom
Smykowski.
BILL
He's useless.
BOB SLYDELL
Gone.
DOM
Sounds good to me.
BOB SLYDELL
Here's a peculiar one. Milton Waddams.
DOM
Who's he?
BOB
You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
DOM
Oh.
BOB SLYDELL
We can't find a record of him being a current employee here.
BOB PORTER
I looked into it more deeply and I found what happened was he got layed
off about five years ago and no one ever told him about it. But through
a glitch in Payroll, he still gets a paycheck. I went ahead and fixed
the glitch.
BILL
Great.
DOM
So, um, Milton has been let go.
BOB SLYDELL
Just a second there, Professor. We, uh, we fixed the glitch. So he
won't be receiving a paycheck anymore. So it'll just work itself out
naturally.
BOB PORTER
We always like to avoid confrontation whenever possible. The problem is
solved from here on, then.
They laugh.
BOB SLYDELL
Uh, we should move on to a Peter Gibbons. I had a chance to meet this
young man and boy does he have Straight to Upper Management written all
over him.
BILL
Ooh, uh, yeah. I'm going to have to go ahead and sort of disagree with
you there. Yeah. Uh, he's been real flaky lately and I'm not sure that
he's the caliber person you want for upper management. He's been having
some problems with his TPS reports.
BOB PORTER
I'll handle this. We feel that the problem isn't with Peter.
BOB SLYDELL
Um-um.
BOB PORTER
It's that you haven't challenged him enough to get him really
motivated.
BOB SLYDELL
There it is.
BILL
Yeah, I'm not sure about that now.
BOB PORTER
All right, Bill. Let me ask you this. How much time each week would you
say you deal with these TPS reports?
BILL
Yeah...
[Scene Peter parks in Bill's usual spot and goes into the building. He
takes a drill and removes the metal door handle.]
Cut to outside, where Bill has to park in the handicap spot.
Cut back inside. Peter tears down the banner.
Cut to outside. Bill's Porsche is being towed away. They only manage to
pull off the bumper.
Cut to Peter and Joanna watching Kung Fu. They're about to kiss.
LAWRENCE
Hey Peter man! Check out channel nine! It's a breast exam! Whoo!!
Cut to Peter's cubicle. Bill checks his watch because Peter's still not
there.
Cut to a lake. Lawrence, Peter and Joanna are fishing. Peter holds up a
big fish.
Cut to Initech. Peter enters with an Igloo cooler.
DOM
Hello, Peter.
PETER
Hey Dom!
He slaps him on the back.
Cut to Peter's cubicle. He puts the fish on his desk and starts to gut
it. He throws its entrails on a stack of TPS reports.
Cut to Peter and Joanna watching Kung Fu.
Cut to Peter removing the screws in the cubicle wall. He pushes it
over. It reveals a window and Peter relaxes.
[Scene Peter's cubicle, now with only one wall. he's playing Tetris as
Bill walks up.]
BILL
So, Peter, what's happening? Now are you going to go ahead and have
those TPS reports for us this afternoon? (Peter keeps playing) Uh,
yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk,
hmm?
PETER
Not right now, Lumbergh. I'm, I'm kinda busy. In fact, I'm going to
have to ask you to go ahead and just come back another time. I have a
meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
BILL
Uh, I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
PETER
Yeah, they called me at home.
BILL
That sounds good, Peter. Uh, and we'll go ahead and, uh, get this all
fixed up for you later.
[Scene Milton's cubicle. He's organizing papers.]
MILTON
F...C...P...
BILL
Hi, Milton. What's going on?
MILTON
I, I, I, I, I didn't receive my paycheck this week.
BILL
Uh, you're gonna have to talk to Payroll about that.
MILTON
I, I did and they, and they said -
BILL
Uh, we're gonna need to move your desk downstairs into Storage B.
MILTON
No...I...I...
BILL
Uh, we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can
get.
MILTON
No...no...no...no...but...but...but...I, I, I -
BILL
And if you could could go ahead and get a can of psticide and take care
of the roach problem we've been having that would be great. (He walks
away.
MILTON
I can't...Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler?
[Scene The meeting between Peter and the two Bobs.]
BOB PORTER
It looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
PETER
I wouldn't say I've been missing it, Bob.
They laugh.
BOB SLYDELL
That's terrific, Peter. I,I, I'm sure you've, you've, you've heard some
of the rumors around the hallway about how we're just going to do a
little (finger quotes) housecleaning with some of the software people.
PETER
Well, Bob, I have heard that and you gotta do what you gotta do.
BOB PORTER
Well, these people here. First, Mr. Samir Naga...Naga...
BOB SLYDELL
Naga...
BOB PORTER
Naga-worker here anyway!
The Bobs laugh.
BOB SLYDELL
Mr. Mike Bolton. We're certainly gonna miss him.
PETER
You're gonna layoff Samir and Michael!?
BOB PORTER
We're gonna bring in some entry level graduates for us to work in
Singapore, that's the usual deal.
BOB SLYDELL
Well, it's standard operating procedure.
PETER
Do they know about this yet?
BOB SLYDELL
No! No, of course not. We always find it's better to fire people on a
Friday. It's statistically shown that there's less chance of an
incident if we do it at the end of the week. Anyway, Peter, what we
would like to do is put you into a position where you would have as
many as four people working right underneath you.
BOB PORTER
This is a big promotion, Pete.
BOB SLYDELL
Huge.
PETER
So you're gonna fire Samir and Michael and give me more money?
BOB SLYDELL
Umm-hmm.
PETER
Wow!
[Scene Michael is messing with the printer.]
MICHAEL
Yeah. Yeah. That's it. That's exactly what I need. Just give it to me.
Come on. Come on, you little fucker. Let's go! That's what I need.
Let's do that. Let's do exactly that, you little, fu-
Peter walks up to him.
PETER
Listen... Well, what are you doing tonight?
[Scene Peter's place. Michael, Samir and Peter are there.]
PETER
There comes a place in a man's life and, uh, maybe that time for you is
now, when it doesn't hurt to think about the future.
MICHAEL
Uh, no offense, there, Peter, but think about yourself, sport. You're
the one who's been flaking out at work. Whatever that religious
experience or whatever the hell it was, you better snap out of it, or
you're gonna get canned.
PETER
Yeah. I, I, I...Listen, that virus you're always talking about. The one
that, that could rip off the company for a bunch of money...
MICHAEL
Yeah? What about it?
PETER
Well, how does it work?
MICHAEL
It's pretty brilliant. What it does is where there's a bank
transaction, and the interests are computed in the thousands a day in
fractions of a cent, which it usually rounds off. What this does is it
takes those remainders and puts it into your account.
PETER
This sounds familiar.
MICHAEL
Yeah. They did this in Superman III.
PETER
Yeah. What a good movie.
MICHAEL
A bunch of hackers did this in the 70s and one of them got busted.
PETER
Well, so they check for this now?
MICHAEL
No, you see, Initech's so backed up with all the software we're
updating for the year 2000, they'd never notice.
PETER
You're right. And even if they wanted to, they could never check all
that code.
MICHAEL
It's numbers up their asses.
PETER
So, Michael, what's to keep you from doing this?
MICHAEL
It's not worth the risk. I got a good job.
PETER
What if you didn't have a good job?
[Scene A bar. Michael and Peter are there.]
MICHAEL
Cockos! Samir and I are the best programmers in that place. And you,
you haven't even been showing up and you get to keep your job.
PETER
Actually, I'm being promoted.
MICHAEL
What?!!!
PETER
Yeah, I know, Michael. It's completely unfair. And I realized something
today. It's not about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all
of us together. I don't know what happened at that hypnotherapist the
other day; maybe it was just shock. It's wearing off now, but when I
saw that fat man keel over and die, Michael, I realized that we don't
have a lot of time on this earth. We weren't meant to spend it this
way. Human beings weren't meant to sit in little cubicles, starring at
computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to
eight different bosses drone on about mission statements.
MICHAEL
I told those fudge-packers that I like Michael Bolton's music. God.
PETER
that is not right, Michael. For five years now, you've worked your ass
off at Initech, hoping for a promotion or some kind of profit sharing
or something. Five years of your mid-20s now, gone. And you're gonna go
in tomorrow and they're gonna throw you out into the street. You know
why? So Bill Lumbergh's stock will go up a quarter of a point. Michael,
let's make that stock go down. Let's take enough money from that place
that we never ever have to sit in a cubicle ever again. Your software
works right?
MICHAEL
Of course it works. That's not the point. Look, even if it could work,
I don't know how to install it. I don't know the credit union software
loan.
PETER
Yeah? But Samir does.
[Scene Peter's apartment. Samir's there, along with Michael and Peter.]
SAMIR
But that's not much money, I -
PETER
That's the beauty of it. Each withdrawal is a fraction of a cent.
That's too small to notice. Take a thousand withdrawals a day, space it
out over a few years, that's a couple hundred thousand dollars.
MICHAEL
Just like Superman III.
SAMIR
Superman III - that's it, I have to leave now, ok? (gets up) I have to
get my resume ready.
PETER
Get your resume ready for what? Another job where they can fire you for
no reason?
SAMIR
That's right! If I'm lucky.
PETER
Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed
around. Aren't you?
SAMIR
Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do something illegal.
PETER
Illegal? Samir, this is America! Come on, sit down! Come on! This isn't
Riyadh! They're not gonna saw your hands off, all right? The worse they
can do is put you for a couple of months into a while collar, minimum
security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Did you know they have
conjugal visits there?
SAMIR
Really.
PETER
Yes.
MICHAEL
Shit, I'm afraid. I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
SAMIR
So what do you think?
MICHAEL
This thing actually is pretty fail-safe, Samir.
PETER
You came here looking for a land of opportunity. And this is the knock
of that opportunity. Tomorrow's your last day at Initech. You have two
options
unemployment or early retirement. What's it gonna be?
SAMIR
I have a question.
PETER
Yes.
SAMIR
In, in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
PETER
Yep. You sure can.
SAMIR
Ok. I'm gonna do it.
PETER
That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about America!!
MICHAEL
Peter Let's discuss the plan, all right?
PETER
All right.
MICHAEL
All right. It works like a computer virus. All right? So all we have to
do is load it anywhere into the credit union mainframe and it'll do the
rest.
PETER
Ok, you guys give me that disk and I'll take it from there. Oh, but
listen. Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God,
Allah, that nobody knows about this, all right? No family members, no
girlfriends, nobody!
SAMIR
Of course.
MICHAEL
Agreed.
LAWRENCE
Don't worry man! I won't tell anybody about this either!
MICHAEL
Who the fuck is that?!
PETER
Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool. All right. Now here's how I see
it all going down...
[Scene Initech. Peter shakes the Bobs' hands.]
BOB SLYDELL
Peter, congratulations. This is one heck of a promotion.
BOB PORTER
And we'll go ahead and get some people under you right away.
(They give a thumbs up.
[Scene Samir and Michael's cubicle. They look at each other. Michael
copies the virus and looks around. He gives it to Samir. Samir walks by
Peter and gives it to him. He puts it into his computer and copies the
file. He goes to Samir and Michael's cubicle.]
MICHAEL
Well, that was easy.
PETER
Yeah, I guess it was.
MICHAEL
What did you do with the -
DREW
Hey guys.
PETER
Oh, hey Drew.
DREW
did you guys hear about Tom Smykowski?
MICHAEL
The guy who got laid off?
DREW
No, man, check this out.
[Flashback. Tom's getting drunk in his kitchen.]
DREW
V/O) LAST WEEK, AFTER HE FOUND OUT HE WAS GETTING LAID OFF, HE TRIES TO
KILL HIMSELF BY RUNNING THE CAR IN THE GARAGE.
Cut to Tom in his car.
MICHAEL
V/O) IS HE DEAD?!
DREW
V/O) BUT THAT WIFE OF HIS COMES HOME EARLY FROM WORK EARLY AND FOUND
HIM IN THE CAR AND TRIES TO PLAY IT OFF AS IF NOTHING HAPPENED.
TOM
COUGH) I WAS HAVING SOME TROUBLE WITH THE SHIFTER HERE. IT'S JAMMED. I,
I COULDN'T GET IT INTO DRIVE. I, I, I MEAN, REVERSE.
MRS. SMYKOWSKI
Are you ok, Tom?
TOM
Yeah.
DREW
V/O) AND THEN, AS HE'S LOOKING AT HER, HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO LIVE.
TOM
I'm ok.
MRS. SMYKOWSKI
Right.
TOM
It seems to be working now. See ya later, honey. Love ya.
He backs out.
DREW
V/O) BUT THEN AS HE BACKS OUT INTO HIS DRIVEWAY, HE'S SLAMMED BIG TIME
BY A DRUNK DRIVER.
We hear a bang from behind the closing garage door.
Cut back to Initech, present.
PETER
Well, is he ok?
DREW
Sort of. He broke both his wrists, his legs, a couple of ribs, his
back. But check it out. He's gonna get a huge settlement out of this.
Like seven figures. He's getting out of the hospital this weekend and
he's throwing a big party to celebrate. I'm thinking I'm gonna take
that new chick from Logistics. I might be showing her my O face. Oh!
Oh! Oh! you know what I'm talking about. Oh! Yeah. Right. See you guys
there.
[Scene Peter's car. Samir and Michael are with him.]
MICHAEL
Wow, our last day at Initech.
SAMIR
I can't believe they had security escort us out. Not like we're gonna
steal something.
PETER
I stole something.
MICHAEL
Oh yeah. I guess we all did.
PETER
No, I stole something else.
SAMIR
What did you steal?
PETER
We'll call it a going away present.
[Scene A field. They drop the printer. Samir stomps on it four times
and Michael, eight times. Peter hands Samir a bat. He hits the printer
twice and Michael takes over. He starts to punch it. Samir and Peter
pull him away, but he runs back to destroy the evil printer.]
Cut to Peter's place. Samir's trying to break dance.
[Scene Outside Peter's place.]
PETER
Everything is going to be ok. Ok?
SAMIR
The one I see is -
PETER
I can see this working. I gotta go. I gotta go. Joanna's coming over.
Don't worry! You're worrying! All right? Monday morning we're gonna
check the account balance and everything will be all right. Don't miss
Tom's barbecue. I'll see you there.
Peter goes inside.
SAMIR
RAPPING) BACK UP IN YOUR ASS WITH THE RESURRECTION...
[Scene Peter's place, morning. Joanna sees all the empty liquor
bottles.]
JOANNA
Hey, what were you guys celebrating last night?
PETER
Um, I'm not really at liberty to talk about it. I really can't.
[Scene Peter's car. He and Joanna are going to the barbecue.]
PETER
So when the subroutine compounds the interest, right, it uses all these
extra decimals places that just get rounded off. So we just simplify
the whole thing and we just round it down and drop the remainder into
an account that we own.
JOANNA
So you're stealing.
PETER
Ah, no. No. You don't understand. It's, uh, very complicated. It's, uh,
it's, it's aggregate so I'm talking about fractions of a cent that, uh,
over time, they add up to a lot.
JOANNA
Ok. So you're gonna make a lot of money, right?
PETER
Yeah.
JOANNA
Ok. That's not yours?
PETER
Well, it, it becomes ours.
JOANNA
How's that not stealing?
PETER
I don't think, I don't think I'm explaining this very well. Um, this
Seven Eleven, right? If you take a penny from the tray -
JOANNA
From the crippled children?!
PETER
No, that's the tray. I'm talking about the tray. The penny's for
everybody.
JOANNA
Oh, for everybody. Ok.
PETER
Yeah, well, those are whole pennies.
JOANNA
Yeah.
PETER
Right. I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here, but we do it
from a much bigger tray. A couple of million times. So what's wrong
with that?
JOANNA
It seems wrong.
PETER
It's not wrong. Initech is wrong. Initech is an evil corporation, all
right? Chotchkie's is wrong. Doesn't it bother you that you have to get
up in the morning and put on pieces of flair?
JOANNA
Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the
register!
PETER
You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair but they made the Jews wear
them.
JOANNA
What?!
PETER
Look, we don't - I, I - we don't have to talk about this. Let's just go
to the barbecue, all right?
JOANNA
Ok.
[Scene Tom's house. Samir and Michael open the front door. tom is in a
full body cast and is hooked up to a bunch of stuff.]
TOM
Michael! Samir! How are you doing?
MICHAEL
Hiya Tom.
SAMIR
Hi Tom.
TOM
Yeah, I'd like you to meet my lawyer, Rob Newhouse. (they shake hands)
Rob, Michael.
ROB
Hello Michael.
TOM
Samir.
ROB
Hello -
SAMIR
Samir.
ROB
...Samir.
(Peter and Joanna enter.
TOM
Peter!! How are ya? I'm glad you could make it.
PETER
Tom! Hi! This is someone I'd like you to meet. This is Joanna.
JOANNA
Hi.
TOM
Hi. Forgive me for not getting up. (He starts laughing and everyone
joins in nervously) Ooh...Ooh... Uh, Peter, Peter, come here a minute.
I want to show you something.
They go into the kitchen. There's a Jump to Conclusions mat. It says
??? ; Jump Again ; Strike Out ; Could be ; Loose one Turn ; Yes! ; No!
; Accept it ; Go wild ; One step back ; Think Again ; Moot! On the
bottom are footprints, under the word Start
TOM
Well, what do you think? It's a prototype.
PETER
Well, that's exactly as you described it. Uh, listen, I, I heard about
your settlement. Congratulations.
TOM
Well, thanks, Peter. y'know, I'm glad you're here because I wanted to
talk to you. I know how you get depressed about your job and all, and I
just wanted you to know that's how you feel. I used to be the same way.
PETER
Really?
TOM
Sure. Oh maybe I didn't whine as much, but I hated my job as much as
you and I've been doing good for over thirty years!
PETER
Wow.
TOM
Just remember
If you hang in there long enough, good things can happen. I mean, look
at me.
He laughs.
PETER
Thanks Tom.
TOM
Aw, sure.
[Scene The backyard. Samir and Michael are talking to Rob.]
ROB
Conjugal visits? Not that I know of. Now, a minimum security prison is
no picnic. I have a client in there right now. You see, the trick is,
kick someone's ass the first day or become someone's bitch. Then
everything will be all right. Why do you ask, anyway?
MICHAEL
Oh, no, we were just seeing -
His cup flies out of his hand and ice cubes go everywhere.
Cut to Peter and Drew.
DREW
Hey Peter.
PETER
Drew.
DREW
That's something about old Tom Smykowski, huh?
PETER
Yeah.
DREW
Lucky bastard. (sees Joanna) Hey, isn't that the girl who works over at
Chotchkie's?
PETER
Yeah.
DREW
Hmm, who's she here with?
PETER
She's here with me.
DREW
Really?
PETER
Yeah.
DREW
All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on. Make sure you wear a rubber,
dude.
PETER
Why's that, Drew?
DREW
Are you kidding me? She gets around, all right?
PETER
She does, does she?
DREW
Oh yeah. Like a record.
Joanna waves.
PETER
With who?
DREW
Well, let's see. Lumbergh fucked her. Ah, let me see who else...
PETER
Lumbergh?!
[Scene Peter's car. He and Joanna are leaving the party.]
JOANNA
Oh, what if you get caught? Oh, I, I, I, I just don't know if this is
such a good idea.
PETER
ANGRY) YEAH? WELL, MAYBE IT WASN'T SUCH A GOOD IDEA FOR YOU TO SLEEP
WITH LUMBERGH!
JOANNA
What?! What are you - Oh! All right, Lumbergh...
PETER
ARGH!!! AH GOD! LUMBERGH!!
JOANNA
Peter! What is wrong with you? That was like to years ago! What, do you
know him?
PETER
Yeah, I know him!! I know him! He's my boss!! He's my unholy,
disgusting, pig of a boss!!
JOANNA
Oh, he's not that disgusting.
PETER
He represents all that is solace and wrong! And you slept with him!
JOANNA
That is none of your business, ok? I didn't ask you who you slept with
before we were together. I don't care!
PETER
Well, I didn't think you would sleep with a guy like Lumbergh!
JOANNA
Listen to you! Who do you think you are? How dare you judge! Do you
think you're an angel or something? No! You're this petty, stealing,
wannabe criminal...man!
PETER
Well, I may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh!!
JOANNA
Ok. That's it. I'm done. I want to get out of the car. Stop. I wanna
get -
PETER
Fine.
He stops and Joanna gets out.
JOANNA
Why don't you call me when you grow up? Oh, wait, that's probably never
gonna happen so just don't call me, all right?
PETER
Say hello to Lumbergh for me!!!
She slams the door and he drives off.
[Scene Peter's room. He's having nightmares again.]
DREW
Lumbergh fucked her...Lumbergh fucked her...Lumbergh fucked her...
BILL
Oh that's great…great…
DREW
I'm gonna see the O-face again. Oh! Oh! Oh! Ooh! Ooh!
That dissolves into Bill, naked, holding a foot in one hand a cup of
coffee in the other.
BILL
Why don't you move it a little to the left? That's right. Great. Oh,
hello, Peter. What's happening? Uh, could you give me those TPS reports
ASAP? Mmmkay?
Peter wakes up and breathes deeply.
[Scene Chotchkie's. Stan approaches Joanna.]
STAN
Joanna?
JOANNA
Yeah?
STAN
We need to talk. Do you know what this is about?
JOANNA
My, uh, flair.
STAN
Yeah. Or, uh, your lack thereof. I'm counting and I only see fifteen
pieces. Let me ask you a question, Joanna.
JOANNA
Umm-hmm.
STAN
What do you think of a person who only does the bare minimum?
JOANNA
Huh. What do I think? Let me tell you what I think, Stan. If you want
me to wear thirty-seven pieces of flair like your pretty boy Brian over
there, then why don't you just make the minimum thirty-seven pieces of
flair?
STAN
Well, I thought I remember you saying you wanted to express yourself.
JOANNA
Yeah. Yeah. Y'know what? I do. I do want to express myself. Ok? And I
don't need thirty-seven pieces of flair to do it. (gives him the
finger) All right? There's my flair! And this is me expressing myself.
(holds up her hand) There it is! I hate this job! I hate this goddamn
job and I don't need it!!
She storms out.
[Scene An ATM machine. Peter gets out a receipt that says he has
$305,326.13]
[Scene Peter's car. Samir and Michael have obviously seen the
receipt.]
SAMIR
Shit, shit, shit, shit. Son of a bitch! Shit! This is a - fuck! Son of
a bitch! Shit!
MICHAEL
What happened?
PETER
You tell me, Michael, it's your software!
SAMIR
Yes, it's your software!
PETER
Corporate accounting is sure as hell going to notice 305, 3 (grabs the
receipt) 26.13!! Michael!!
MICHAEL
Oh shit! They, they probably won't notice it's gone for another two or
three days.
PETER
Michael! Michael! You said the thing was gonna take two years!
SAMIR
What happened?!
PETER
You said the thing was supposed to work.
MICHAEL
Well, technically it did work.
PETER
No it didn't!
SAMIR
It did not work, Michael, ok?!
MICHAEL
Ok! Ok!
SAMIR
Ok?!
MICHAEL
Ok! Ok! I must have, I must have put a decimal point in the wrong place
or something. Shit. I always do that. I always mess up some mundane
detail.
PETER
Oh! What is this fairly mundane detail, Michael?!!!!!
MICHAEL
Ok quit getting pissed at me, all right? This was all your idea,
asshole.
PETER
All right. Ok. All right. Let's try not to get pissed off at each
other, all right? We'll figure this thing out together, ok? And the
first thing we gotta do is we gotta close that account down before it
gets any bigger.
[Scene Initech. It's Bill's 41st birthday. All the employees are
singing the birthday song to him in a flat monotone. He blows out the
candles and everyone claps.]
ALL
Mmm. You look terrific. (etc
BILL
All right, Kate, you wanna get everybody started there. (he gets a
slice of cake) Mmm. That is terrific. That is just terrific. I really,
really appreciate it.
A slice is handed to Milton.
NINA
Milton, don't be greedy. Let's pass it along and make sure everyone
gets a piece.
MILTON
Can I keep a piece? Because last time I was told that -
NINA
Just pass.
He does so.
MILTON
But this, this, it, it, it's a little cake...
Everyone gets a piece and Nina gets the last one. Milton has to watch
everyone enjoy their piece.
[Scene Peter's apartment. They're trying to figure out what to do.]
SAMIR
Is, is there a way to just give the money back?
PETER
What? We just hand them a check with the exact amount they're missing?
I, I think they'd figure that out.
SAMIR
Well, we have to do something.
MICHAEL
May-maybe we launder the money.
PETER
That's a great idea. Ok, how do we do that?
MICHAEL
I don't know, I don't know. I don't even know what it means. It's
something I think, I think coke dealers do.
PETER
Ok. Do we know any coke dealers?
MICHAEL
My, my cousin's a cokehead. We're in deep shit.
SAMIR
Yes. We are in very, very deep shit.
[Scene Milton's new "office" - the basement. Bill enters with a piece
of cake.]
BILL
Milton?
MILTON
Yes.
BILL
What's happening?
MILTON
I wanted to see you because -
BILL
Say, you know what would be a great idea?
MILTON
No...no.
BILL
Since you're already down here, it would be great if you could get a ca
of pesticipe and take care of the cockroach problem we've been having
in here.
MILTON
I...I...that's really not my job and I haven't received my -
BILL
For now, why don't you get a flashlight and a can of pesticide and -
Dom enters.
DOM
Bill! We need you upstairs right away. Some major glitch in the
accounting. A lot of money missing.
They go upstairs and Bill turns off the light.
MILTON
Excuse me? Excuse me? Ok, that's the last straw.
[Scene Peter's place. Michael is looking up "money laundering" in the
dictionary.]
MICHAEL
LAUNDERING. TO CLEAN...NO, UH, HERE IT IS. TO CHANNEL MONEY THROUGH A
SOURCE OR BY AN INTERMEDIARY.
SAMIR
It doesn't really help us, Michael.
PETER
Ok. We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary.
MICHAEL
Yeah, well, you guys can both eat my ass, ok?
PETER
My girlfriend slept with Lumbergh, that's what I can't believe.
SAMIR
Yeah, you didn't know that?
MICHAEL
It happened two years before you moved to Atlanta.
PETER
You mean, Ron Lumbergh, the airshow guy?
MICHAEL
Yeah, who did you think she slept with, Bill? (He and Samir start
laughing) If she fucked him, their children would have hooves!
PETER
Ron's not related to Bill, is he?
Someone rings the doorbell.
MICHAEL
Who is it?
He hides the checks while Peter goes to the door.
PETER
Don't panic. It's probably just the mailman.
He opens the door.
STEVE
MONOTONOUSLY) HELLO SIR. MY NAME IS STEVE. I CAME FROM A ROUGH AREA. I
USED TO BE ADDICTED TO CRACK BUT NOW I'M OFF AND TRYING TO STAY CLEAN.
PETER
Ok.
STEVE
That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
PETER
No -
STEVE
I was hoping you would help me out.
MICHAEL
Wait, wait, wait, wait! You used to be addicted to crack?
STEVE
Yes, but not anymore.
Cut to later. They've got Steve in an armchair, trying to get him to
help.
STEVE
Look, I'm sorry. I do not know anything about money laundering.
MICHAEL
Look, we're not asking you if you know about money laundering, we're
just trying to see if you can hook us up.
PETER
He doesn't know anything, all right?
SAMIR
Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You just give us the name of
one drug dealer. I could talk to him. I have good networking skills.
STEVE
NORMAL) I LIED. ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT ME BEING A CRACKHEAD WAS TO HELP
ME SELL MAGAZINES. I'M A SOFTWARE ENGINEER.
PETER
You're a software engineer?!
SAMIR
Working must be, must be very hard for you.
STEVE
I made more money selling magazine subscriptions than I ever did
working at Initrode.
MICHAEL
Huh? You worked at Initrode?
PETER
You can't tell anybody about any of this stuff I told you. I mean, we
know a lot of the same people.
STEVE
Actually, that all depends.
He holds up his clipboard.
Cut to later. Peter closes the door.
PETER
What am I going to do with forty subscriptions to Vibe ?
MICHAEL
I wish we had never done this. What are we going to do? You know what I
can't figure out? How is it that all these stupid, Neanderthal, Mafia
guys can be so good at crime and smart guys like us can suck so badly
at it?
SAMIR
We're new to it, though. If we had more experience -
MICHAEL
No. No. Y'know what I think? I think we're screwed. There's evidence
all over that building to link it to us. Even if we could launder
money, I wouldn't want to. If we're caught while laundering money,
we're not going to go to white-collar-resort-prison. No, no, no. We're
gonna go to federal-reserve-pound-me-in-the-ass-prison.
SAMIR
I don't want to go to any prison! Why the hell did I do this?! I've
never done anything wrong in my whole life! We weren't thinking clearly
because you told us we were losing our jobs! And look at us now, we're,
we're worried about going to prison!
PETER
Don't worry about it. I'll think of something.
SAMIR
Ass. I'm going home. You are a very bad person, Peter.
Samir and Michael leave. Peter knocks on the wall.
PETER
Lawrence! You awake?
LAWRENCE
Yeah, man!
PETER
You wanna come over?
LAWRENCE
No thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life too!
[Scene Peter's room. He dreams that they're in court, with Rob as their
lawyer.]
JUDGE
And now the sentence for these heinous crimes committed against
Initech. I hereby sentence you, Michael Bolton and Samir
Na...Ananajibad...to a term of no less than four years in federal-
pound-me-in-the-ass-prison. Peter Gibbons, you've lead a trite and
meaningless life. And you're a very bad person.
The judge bangs the gavel and Peter wakes up.
[Scene The living room. Peter is up, feverishly writing a confession.
He tears it out and puts it into an envelope with the checks.]
[Scene Flingers parking lot. Peter sits on the hood of his car, trying
to figure out what to do. Joanna comes out.]
JOANNA
Hey.
PETER
Hey. You're not working at Chotchkie's anymore.
JOANNA
No, no, I got fired.
PETER
What happened?
JOANNA
I flipped off my boss. And some customers - actually a line just
happened to be standing there, so...
PETER
I'm going to go away for awhile. Uh, to jail. Yea, about that computer
scam, you were right…it was a bad idea. I'm going to take the blame for
it, I decided. I'm going to return the money and leave the confession
under Lumbergh's door. Joanna, I wanna apologize. I had no right to get
pissed off at you, Lumbergh isn't my problem. It wasn't even the right
Lumbergh. I don't know why I can't just go to work and be happy, like
I'm supposed to like everybody else.
JOANNA
Peter, most people don't like their jobs. But you go out there and find
something that makes you happy.
PETER
Yeah. I may never be happy with my job. But if I could be with you, I
think that I could be happy with my life. But if you could give it
another shot, I promise, Joanna -
JOANNA
Oh shut up.
They hug and kiss.
BRIAN
Hey, what's going on here? Get a room you two!
He makes an annoying noise and gives them the finger.
JOANNA
I hate that guy.
[Scene Initech. Peter drives up.]
Cut to inside. Peter sticks the envelope under the door of William
Lumbergh, Division Vice President. He walks away but frantically runs
back and tries to get the envelope. He can't reach it and finally gives
up.
[Scene Initech. Morning. Milton is talking to an secretary. Lumbergh
hasn't gotten to work yet.]
MILTON
...to Mr. Lumbergh and he told me to talk to Payroll and then Payroll,
they told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh. And I still haven't gotten my
paycheck and they stole my stapler and they told me to move my desk to
Storage Room B and there was garbage all over it and I don't appreciate
that.
SECRETARY
Um, why don't you go and sit at your desk. Mr. Lumbergh should be here
any minute.
MILTON
Mr. Lumbergh -
SECRETARY
Just go and sit at your desk.
MILTON
But -
SECRETARY
Oh?
MILTON
Ok, I, I, I'm going to set the building on fire. I tell him, if I don't
get my stapler (the secretary leaves) I'm going to have to get my
stapler back because it is my stapler. (he goes into Mr. Lumbergh's
office) It's my stapler, the Swingline. It's been mine for a very long
time.
[Scene Peter's room. He's packing his clothes. He goes outside and
knocks on Lawrence's door.]
PETER
Hey, Lawrence, are you there?
LAWRENCE
Hey, Peter, man.
PETER
Hey. So, I may be going away for awhile.
LAWRENCE
Yeah, I know, man. It's a bummer, dude, what can I say?
PETER
Yeah. Well, it's time to go face the music. You take care of yourself,
cause I don't wanna see ya.
They shake hands.
LAWRENCE
You too, man. Take care. (Peter starts to leave) Hey Peter! Watch out
for the corn hole ok?
PETER
Ok, Lawrence.
[Scene Peter's car. He's driving along when he sees something.]
Cut to Initech. It's on fire, big time. Peter joins the crowd of his
co-workers and watches. Milton walks away quickly. A structure falls
and Peter laughs.
Cut to inside, a burning cubicle.
[Scene The burned ruins of Initech. Peter is now a construction worker,
working alongside Lawrence. Lawrence digs up Milton's burnt Swingline.]
PETER
Let me see this.
LAWRENCE
Who would want that stapler, man? That's toasted, man.
PETER
I know someone who might want this.
A car horn beeps. Michael and Samir step out of the car.
MICHAEL
Hey man! Wanna go out to lunch?
PETER
I brought mine in a pail. Plus, Joanna's supposed to come by later.
SAMIR
So, how do you like your new job?
PETER
It's not too bad. Not too bad. How's Penetrode?
MICHAEL
Initrode.
PETER
Initrode.
SAMIR
It's work.
PETER
Yeah. Yeah.
MICHAEL
I could probably get you a job if you want.
PETER
No, thanks. I'm doing good here.
MICHAEL
So, uh, we're gonna be ok, right?
PETER
Yeah. I think the fire pretty much took care of everything.
SAMIR
But what if the money burned up? It's too be a scheme.
PETER
Yeah...
SAMIR
Are you sure you don't want us to get you a job?
PETER
That's the one thing I'm definitely sure of.
MICHAEL
All right, G.
PETER
You guys take care!
SAMIR
Ok.
MICHAEL
Stay in touch, man!
PETER
Ok, will do. (They get in the car and leave) This isn't so bad, huh?
Making bucks, getting exercise, working outside.
LAWRENCE
Fuckin' A.
PETER
Fuckin' A...
[Scene
A beach. Milton is relaxing and a waiter comes up to him.]
MILTON
Excuse me. Excuse me, Senor. May I speak to you please? I asked for a
mai tai, a margarita, and a pina colada. I asked for no salt, no salt
in the margarita. But it had salt in it. (the waiter leaves) If you do
that again, I won't be leaving a tip. I won't be putting one down. Sir?
I could check into a competing resort...
END