Voila! Finally, the One Crazy Summer
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the John Cusack and Demi
Moore movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of One Crazy Summer. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Once upon a time,
there was a lonely kind of a guy...
who'd resigned himself
to the fact that love was blind.
"Now, if love is blind, "
he thought to himself...
"How will it find me?
"lt honestly seems such a crime.
"For how many times
has love knocked on the door...
"when it should have been
knocking on mine?"
And so one day, he went off
in search of the aloof creature.
He soon happened upon
the cute and fuzzy bunny gang.
Perhaps they could help him.
"Pardon me, cute and fuzzy bunnies, "
he said.
"l wonder if you could help me find love. "
"Love would have nothing to do...
"with such a stupid-looking creature, "
said the first cute and fuzzy bunny.
"With that nose. And those shoes. "
"And that stomach. "
"And those eyes. "
"And those ears. "
"Roses are red, violets are blue...
"but love will have
nothing to do with you! "
They chanted and danced around him.
Naturally, our hero
was very saddened by this, so...
he....
Actually, he....
He reached into his suitcase...
and pulled out an lsraeli submachine gun...
and he sawed those
cute, fuzzy bastards in half...
with hot lead!
lt was beautiful!
Wait, stop! No, no.
It's supposed to be a love story
not a Rambo bloodbath.
Forget it. It's not your fault. It's me.
Morty, how am I going to get this done?
What do you know?
You're not a man. You're a cat.
Go back to your feline world.
Get out of here.
You better move it, Hoops.
You'll miss graduation.
Okay, Mom.
Here's your cap and gown. All clean.
-What do you mean, "All clean"?
-Hoops, these are rented.
Do you know
how many people wear them?
I washed them.
Rita Segal.
Solomon Shapiro. Frank Stephens.
Shirley Strom.
I got to get out of Generic this summer.
I'm gonna lose my mind.
Come to Nantucket with me.
We'll have a blast.
-We'll scale the mermaids.
-I can't be a party monkey.
I got to buckle down.
I've got two weeks to submit
my scholarship assignment.
It's my only chance to get into
Rhode Island School of Design.
It's summer.
We're high school graduates now.
It's time to reap the rewards of four years
of hard, grueling, mind-expanding work.
-What's this word?
-Your last name.
Georgina Williams.
The assignment is supposed to be
an illustrated love story.
What do I know about love?
I've never been in love.
l would like to congratulate
the graduating class...
of Generic New York High School!
I think what you really need
is a break from your mom.
You're gonna end up
being a street cleaner...
because you didn't get
your basketball scholarship?
-I guess she's taking it hard.
-Of course she is.
It's like my mom saying
I'm an irresponsible louse.
I know that she knows
I'm not irresponsible.
Your mother still has faith in you, Hoops.
Just because you can't
play basketball worth a shit...
doesn't mean
you got no other option in life.
-I guess you're right.
-There you go.
Nothing proves that more
than being surprised...
with your brand-new graduation wheels.
That final, parental confirmation
that you're going somewhere in life.
And this is just the vehicle
to take you there.
Nantucket. When can we leave?
Just got to pick up my sister.
And, Hoops, remember...
never say anything about her dog.
Bye-bye. Have a nice summer.
Squid, you and old Boscoe
going to visit Grandma this summer?
Dog from Mars!
It's so ugly. Someone put it to sleep.
Girls, if you make faces like that
and somebody slaps you on the back...
you'll stay that way forever!
Stop that! Go on! Have a nice summer!
Dog from space!
There sure are some ugly-looking kids
running around here.
Where's this place, anyway?
First stop's a little place called
Woods Hole.
Okay, Cassandra...
all I want is my money.
It's my money, and you know it!
No! It's definitely mine.
Trust me.
Excuse me, guys. Looking for this?
Get him!
George, get us out of here!
So long, sucker.
It's my money!
-Who are your friends?
-Maniacs! Get us out of here! Go!
Hurry up! They're gaining on us!
-Hi.
-Hi. Who are you?
-I'm Cassandra.
-George. The pleasure's mine.
We're heading for the docks!
-We got to make the boat.
-What boat?
You think we're driving to Nantucket?
Come on, it's an island!
You never mentioned any boat.
I'm not getting on any boat.
I beg to differ.
What are you doing? It's already left!
-We'll make it.
-We'll make it?
You might want
to brace yourselves, though.
Get me out of here!
Now!
This is going to be a great summer.
I want you to die.
Once upon a time,
there was a lonely guy...
on a quest for love.
The cute, fuzzy bunnies
were quick to cooperate this time.
The path they sent him on
landed him on an ocean-going vessel.
Our hero hated boats,
but he was desperate on his quest...
and once again he fell victim
to the heinous cute and fuzzy bunnies.
And he was sucked
into the cold, dark sea...
and he never found love.
-Are you all right?
-Me?
Yeah, great. Really good. Why?
I don't know,
you look pretty uncomfortable.
Are you afraid of water?
No, not really. Yeah.
Actually, I am afraid of the water.
But this is a big boat,
a lot of safety equipment...
I can see the land.
Clean, fresh air....
Chilidog.
Go away.
-You live on the island?
-Just for the summer.
-I'm helping out my grandfather.
-What kind of help?
He's got a houseful of friends
he's taking care of.
He's having money problems.
I was working in a dive...
trying to help him out, but I got ripped off.
Is that what that was about,
the big scene back there?
-Wish I could've helped more.
-Come on, you were great.
You sure? Last bite.
Will you get out of here with this?
You kids!
Come on! This is gonna be funny.
All the eggs, they're broken!
Clay, if you don't stand on the right side...
you're defeating the entire purpose...
of buying them, you big mess!
Mess!
There they are. The Stork twins.
Those guys? They're twins?
Clay's a couple minutes older.
The Stork twins!
-This is Hoops.
-Aloha!
Hi, Hoops!
I'm gonna go get the car.
Hey, Squidly!
This is going to be a great shot.
-Maybe we'll see each other.
-Hope so.
-Take it easy.
-Yeah, you, too.
Hey, Stork guys!
Hi, Hoops. How do you do?
Hi. It's very, it's very....
Nice to meet you.
Yeah. Me, too. What's with the big fish?
They're shooting the sequel
to that movie Foam.
About the giant dolphin with rabies
that terrorizes a small New England town.
We're gonna work part-time
as security guards on the set.
Stork twins!
Clay!
You guys got the day off from the garage?
No, we're doing a job.
-We're picking up a boat.
-Whose boat is it?
His.
-You touched my car.
-What?
You touched my car!
Right! Let me get it clean, then!
You touched it again!
Don't ever touch my car again, ever!
Don't touch my car ever again!
Teddy, honey,
can we go pick up your boat?
Ever!
Remember? Your new boat?
Ty, bring in the Stork twins!
Come here.
I would've come anyways.
-Now move that tow truck!
-Let's go! Hustle!
That is some tuna.
Grammy.
The high school graduates are here.
Look who it is.
My pride and joy.
There's my little girl.
Look what Grammy bought for you.
Would you like
some nice milk and cookies?
Come on, Grammy will show you
where we go.
Nice meeting you, too.
-She's nuts about me.
-Yeah.
You got to meet my Uncle Frank.
$ million!
This is it. We guarantee it.
This is your summer to win!
Keep it here and listen for this jingle:
. FM. Music-money time.
lf you, yes, you, are our fiftieth caller...
$ million is all yours!
That's right. $ million.
Uncle Frank.
Georgie, what the hell
are you doing in here?
Still at it.
God, would you get out of here?
You think I'm playing games?
Just leave me alone!
Every summer he sits there
trying to win that radio show.
Every summer he loses
a bit more of his mind.
Why don't they just leave me alone
with my dream?
Okay. There.
Billy, take this in the back room.
Field strip it.
Careful with that thing!
Boys, tourniquet!
-Calamari.
-Mr. Raymond.
Thought you'd be in prison by now.
What can I do for you?
We're looking for Acky.
This is my friend, Hoops McCann.
Quit monkeying with that thing!
Sorry.
Another wasted summer, boys?
Why don't you go in with Acky?
Just think of it.
Death from above! Airborne!
Excuse me if I'm wrong, sir,
but Acky throws up on the ferris wheel...
at the children's park.
You've got no college acceptance.
You've got no direction with your lives.
No plan.
When there's no plan, there's no attack.
No attack, no victory.
This! This is what makes men, men.
I'll have to pick one up.
Anyway, where's Acky?
He's out on a mission for his old man.
A mission, sir?
He's on the beach collecting shells.
That's a little more like Acky's speed.
Acky, what are you doing?
George, take cover.
Your dad said you were collecting shells.
Shells. millimeter.
My dad gets $ apiece for them.
They make great paperweights.
Hi, I'm Ack Ack.
-Let's get out of here.
-Over the top, boys!
Nobody lives forever!
My God!
You could have waited
till they were done bombing the beach.
When the man says go, you go.
You could have been killed.
My god!
Do you realize
for every lost, mangled doll...
there's a little girl with a broken heart?
Sure you want to be a Marine, Acky?
I just don't see you
having the killer instinct.
"He leadeth me in the paths
of righteousness for his name's sake.
"Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death...."
What's going on?
"Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies:
"thou anointest my head with oil.
"Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me all the days of my life."
For God's sake.
Excuse me for just one....
Leave me.
Old man Eldridge finally kicked, Ted?
Doing my laps, Dad.
I would like to have a word with you.
In a minute, Dad.
I'll try not to take up
too much of your time.
Okay.
Are you ready for the regatta, Ted?
Sure, I'm ready.
The new sloop's a beauty. I can't lose.
If you screw it up this year,
you and I are out....
Hi, Daddy.
-Hi, Grandpa.
-How are you?
Good.
If you screw it up this year,
that decaying old man, your grandfather...
takes everything away.
Do you understand, Ted?
If you don't come home with that trophy,
we lose it all.
No more pools, no more Ferrari.
Do you know what happens then?
-Don't say it, Dad.
-That's right, Ted.
You'll have to go to....
-No!
-Work, Teddy, work!
Don't say that word!
I'll win! Just don't say that word!
That's why I need this Eldridge land.
With this land, I can finally start building...
Beckerstead Estates.
And that crazy old man....
-Hi, Daddy!
-Hi, Grandpa!
Have a wonderful day.
That crazy old man can't hold
that race over my head every year.
What did you find out about this place?
Chong says he left it to his granddaughter.
She's got one week
to pay the back mortgage.
I've seen this girl. She's a real hippie type.
She wears these braids.
What do they call them, cornhusks?
If she don't get the money,
you get the house.
They're already doing the paperwork.
Wonderful.
This will be...
my most beautiful restaurant yet.
I used to come down here
with him all the time.
Your grandfather sounds
like he was a really nice man.
I'm really sorry.
Old Mr. Peckerhead's been trying--
-Who?
-Beckerstead.
He's been trying to drive Grandpa
out of that house since I was a baby.
I guess he finally got him.
So what's gonna happen to the house
and all his friends?
The bank's given me one week...
to come up with
the back mortgage of $ .
It might as well be $ million.
I can't let those people
be thrown out on the streets.
I just wish I had more time.
I wish I could help.
I'm not going to give up.
I figure I can sell some of the furniture...
and I'm going to do some clubs.
-You sing?
-Yeah, I try.
Cool. I bet you're really great.
Thanks.
I guess basketball is your thing,
with a name like Hoops.
It's kind of in the family blood.
My dad was really great.
But I want to do something
a little more challenging, a little different.
I'm trying to get a scholarship
to art school.
What do you draw?
Nothing, lately. I'm in kind of a rut.
Draw me something?
Okay.
What can I get for you?
I don't know.
How about a gorilla? Or me, or....
-How about a gorilla and me?
-You and a gorilla.
Okay.
Okay.
Lose the nose. Fix that, and...
change the feet.
Best I could do with short notice.
It's great.
If this is what you do second best,
I'd love to see you play basketball.
It's quite a sight, let me tell you.
Thanks for cheering me up.
My pleasure.
I better go.
Yeah, me, too.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Maybe you can come by later.
Okay.
'Bye.
Cassandra!
Cassandra, can you help me a minute?
Could you help me out? I'm stuck.
$ million.
lt could happen at any time, any day...
any hour, any minute, any second!
We're giving away $ million...
and it could happen now, right now!
But it's not going to happen yet...
so keep listening for this jingle:
. --
To win $ million!
Hey, Egg!
Really smart.
What if that went in my eye?
Where's Hoops?
He went over there.
You guys better look after him.
He's got a tendency
to wallow in his artistic miseries.
Yeah.
Egg, cut me some shade, will you?
Okay, thank you.
Excuse me.
Little boy, will you hold this for me?
Thank you very much.
-Mommy!
-Sorry.
Jimmy?
-Hi, Hoops.
-Hi.
Hoops, how about a brew?
Thanks, guys. That's good.
Please, Mr. Dog, don't.
What are you doing?
Nothing much, guys.
Hoops, if you run out of things to draw...
you can draw us, you know.
Yeah, you could draw us nude.
Yeah, bare naked with no clothes on!
No, button up!
Thank you. I appreciate that.
I'll come up with something.
I offer you my body and...
and now I'm the jerk of the world
or something.
It was a nice gesture.
Hi. I met you at the docks yesterday.
Hello. I'm Hoops.
Cookie.
-How's it going?
-Great.
These are the Stork twins.
Hi, Cookie.
Hi, Cookie. I'm Egg.
Gemini!
I know them. They work for my boyfriend.
What can I do for you?
We're gonna go sailing...
and we were wondering if you guys...
could help us get our boat in the water?
What do you say, fellas?
Can we help these lovely ladies
get their boats in the water?
No. It sounds like work.
Boats are heavy. I'll get a hernia.
Come on, let's do it. Just get up!
-Sure. Love to.
-Great.
Anything else we can do for you...
like shovel your driveway?
You guys!
You guys!
You have anything heavier we could carry?
Like a car?
Yeah, sure. Forsake me for eight chicks.
Come on, hey!
No! Mister, please!
Please, sir!
You don't understand. I've had a bad day.
Do you want to come sailing?
There's room for one more.
No. Really, I can't.
I don't like boats.
You're not afraid, are you?
No, of course not.
I got a lot to do on the beach.
How about a movie, then?
What about your boyfriend?
He's going to a reception.
I'll pick you up at : .
Come on, have a heart, dude.
No, not those. No!
Please, Your Enormousness,
anything but chili!
She really likes you!
Too bad George wasn't here to see that.
George!
Far out! Dead man on the beach!
Chili?
Phil, do the CPR.
-You do it.
-No. I have seniority.
I want you to give him CPR.
Phil, give him CPR!
George was alive, just barely.
Nobody wanted to perform CPR on him...
so it was a complete nightmare.
But enough about old George.
How's the dollar count?
Get any more money?
So far so good. I sold some furniture...
and I have a gig tonight
at a club called the Dew Drop Inn.
Maybe you can come by.
Yeah, sure.
I'll try.
I might have something to do tonight.
If you can.
It'd be nice to have a friend there.
I'll be there, at the first table.
You can count on it.
I got to go.
George's grandma is making us supper.
You know how grandmas are
about that kind of thing.
It means the world to them.
Are you sure you don't want
a little bit more?
No, thank you. I'm stuffed.
It was delicious, though.
All right, then.
I got it.
Keep it.
Thank you very much.
Yeah, it was really good.
So, why aren't you going out with Cookie?
You're here to write a love story, Hoops.
Cookie is a love story.
George, her boyfriend is like
Cro-Magnon teen.
No way. Besides, I said
I was helping Cassandra.
I promised to go to her show.
Yeah, but like, Cookie asked you out first.
We were there.
Teddy's not even gonna be around tonight.
You know where Teddy's going to be?
At a little reception
celebrating the rape of the land...
that Cassandra's house now stands on.
-The Stork brothers told me.
-That's true!
Cookie seems like a real nice person.
Maybe she'd like to help Cassandra out.
I don't think she's interested.
You know what I mean?
Come on, Hoops.
Quit thinking about yourself all the time.
Go out with Cookie,
and get her on your side.
Then go see Cassandra.
I'd rather keep the original bone structure
of my face.
-Do you want to help Cassandra?
-Of course.
The Stork twins are going
to the reception after work.
If Teddy does anything...
they'll call me at the drive-in and...
the big guy'll be watching your back.
Trust me.
Once upon a time...
there was a happening guy,
who'd stumbled onto a girl...
who embodied all that love should be.
All seemed well.
Those cute and fuzzy bunnies...
weren't so bad after all.
Until....
Her boyfriend showed up...
and pounded him into something
that resembled a wet prune.
Ouch.
"Never! "
I am going to die.
Forget about it.
Where're you going?
I'm going to see Cassandra.
Baby.
Are you ready for me, Hoops?
Wait. Pull over. I know her.
You need a ride?
That was a friend of mine.
I don't pick up hitchhikers.
The humanity!
Thank you very much for the ride.
I enjoyed it thoroughly. Clay!
Clay! Hi.
Hi. I didn't hear you come in.
I'm relieving you because
Dad needs you pronto at the gas station.
Okay. But don't forget at : ...
you have to be at the Beckersteads'.
Watch Teddy.
If anything weird is going on...
call George at the drive-in right away.
We can't let Hoops down.
Okay. No problem.
Egg, don't forget. No matter what...
don't touch anything on this prop truck.
Like I'm really gonna!
Are you nervous about something?
Me?
Yeah.
No, I'm having a great time. Enjoy.
Are you sure?
Can I ask you something?
Yeah.
Aren't you going out with Teddy?
Yeah.
Why aren't you with him tonight?
Because he's got
some silly reception to go to...
and he's got his vang shoo classes.
What's vang shoo?
The martial art...
of disemboweling...
another human being...
with a popsicle stick.
Are you hungry? I'm hungry.
I'll go get some treats.
Stay right here.
I'll get us some treats.
Could you bring me some popcorn?
Popcorn.
Check it out. It's that McCann guy.
And he's with Cookie.
I like that one. I like that. I want a....
Now, that is a....
I could wear that anywhere.
I'm going to look nice.
Michael?
Michael?
Michael!
Michael!
Michael?
Michael?
Hoops. Good party, eh?
George, where're your friends, the twins?
Are they watching that monster?
Don't worry about it. They're very reliable.
Trust me.
Thank you very much.
It feels good to be back here
at the Club Tokyo.
Hi! How're you doing?
Where're you from?
What do you do for a living?
: ? Shit!
: !
Goddamn it!
Shit!
Relax.
Would you get over here,
you two stupid clowns?
I can't wait all night.
Look at this.
Damn. That looks like
one of those medical experiments...
that went astray.
Little girl, I'm gonna have nightmares...
just knowing that dog exists.
Looks like it's been microwaved
or something.
Why, Wilbur, I believe that's a case...
for a mercy killing.
What do you say, little girl?
Want us to put it out of its misery?
I can't wait any longer.
Hi. How you doing?
l want to thank everybody for coming.
Mary Ann?
Thank you.
In honor of our very special guest...
Mr. Chong Freen...
of the Charter Bank of Nantucket...
who assures me...
that the Beckerstead Estates
are only weeks away...
from the start of construction...
I will allow Mr. Freen...
the honors.
Thank you.
Did you bring me my popcorn?
Thank you very much.
I think I will have a cookie.
Hello.
Michael?
Hi. Cookie?
Teddy? Yeah, this is Ty.
Ty. What's up?
She's doing what?
Stay right there.
No, Ty, stay right there, you idiot!
Really nice party.
That's a hearty appetite.
Let's get out of here.
Let's go to the point
and watch the moon rise.
I don't know, Cookie, I was...
kind of enjoying this fine film.
l never touched her!
-You touched my girlfriend, didn't you?
-No!
No!
l knew l'd find you at the drive-in.
No! No! Please!
I guess you don't get
to see the moon rise very often.
Egg.
Egg?
Egg, I'm about to teach you...
a very valuable lesson.
In an emergency situation...
the victims cannot
and must not be allowed...
to think for themselves.
The shock and the horror
of what just happened...
will surely impair their judgment.
You must do the thinking
in order to save them.
In this case...
a plane has just crash-landed on this point.
Now, there are going to be
bodies everywhere...
just gushing blood and...
their faces will be
pulled off of their heads and...
armpits will be hanging from trees.
Their eyeballs will be
sticking out of their heads.
You'll have to push them back in
with a stick or something.
Now, remember...
you are the only thing...
that will stand between life and death.
Let's do it!
Come on, let's go! Hurry up!
Dad, I really wish we could discuss this.
There's nothing to discuss, Ack Ack.
I want you out of the house by hours.
My home is not a den for cowards...
who will not serve in the armed forces.
Yes, sir.
There's a beautiful clearing just up ahead.
Listen, Cookie,
I want to know if you can help me--
Save him!
Hoops, what are you doing?
Cookie, for God's sake, help me.
Save her!
I don't know, Teddy.
We followed them up this far.
Goodness knows
what they came up here to do.
-Cookie, what are you doing here?
-They're chasing me!
Who?
McCann and his weird friends.
George! Stop!
Jesus!
Go, George, get out of here!
Save him!
It's just a costume! You little jerks!
Get out of the way!
Great, we missed her.
-Hi, guys.
-Hi, Ack.
Get me out of this!
Get me out!
We got to call Hoops. Teddy left the party.
Good work, buddy.
I'm going to kill you, after I kill this guy.
$ says you don't.
What?
"$ says you don't."
What are you talking about?
I'm sure that you can beat him up.
He's smaller than you.
That never stood in my way before.
I'll bet you $ that even though
he's smaller, he's a better athlete.
-Say at a sport like basketball?
-What are you doing?
This wimp? Give me a break.
-Are you in or out?
-Please don't do this. I'm begging you.
-You must be high. Is she high?
-High.
In or out?
All right, let's go.
Darn, no net. Can't play.
Maybe we can play water polo.
I could get some horses.
Make a hoop.
-All right.
-Lucky shot!
Okay. Here you go.
Okay, Hoops, come on.
Come on.
If you don't mind, I'd like to get back
to beating the shit out of these guys.
-I wouldn't do that if I were you.
-Why? You know Karate?
No. I know Dow.
What is Dow?
Dow is the chemical company
that makes Mace.
Cassandra, wait up a minute. Come on!
I'm really sorry about that.
Thanks for saving us.
It's no big deal, McCann.
I guess we're even.
-Now?
-No, not yet. Be patient.
Now?
Okay.
Hello, ladies. l am here for your daughters.
So, you finally told the Führer no?
How'd it go?
He threw me out.
Don't worry about it, man.
You can stay at my grandmother's house.
She's got room and reasonable rates...
-if you're not in the family.
-Thanks, George.
You can throw your stuff
in Uncle Frank's room. He'll never know.
Did you ever notice
people die in alphabetical order?
Cheer up, McCann.
She's not the only girl on the island.
There's plenty of them to be found.
-Like that one.
-Go for it, dude.
Excuse me, fellas.
How you doing? Here you go.
-Hi.
-Hi, Hoops.
-How're you doing?
-Fine.
-Look, Cassandra...
-Hi. Here you go.
...I want to apologize. I shouldn't have said
I was a basketball player.
I shouldn't have lied. I'm sorry.
I really am a decent artist. If I could
help you, I'd like to make it up to you.
You really want to help?
-Yeah.
-Buy a ticket.
Hi. How you doing?
We are from the planet of the toes.
We bring you....
And we bring you produce.
-Hi, fellas.
-Hi, Hoops.
-Hi, Hoops.
-Hi, Hoops.
A giant dolphin with rabies.
Turn it around. Open it up.
About as believable as Superman.
They sure can do incredible things
in movies nowadays.
Yeah.
Good idea. I've got it. Up.
Stork twins, bring that camera.
No! No, please!
Guys, what about George?
George!
I refuse to do this!
-Give him CPR.
-I am your superior!
These are satanic hemorrhoids from hell.
We must stop them before they kill again!
Doctor, no!
l must save the free world.
Thank you very much.
I hope to see you at the show.
Weather for the Cape and the islands...
looks like we can expect some rain,
but nothing to worry about.
Nantucket's big news tonight
is Cassandra live at the Dew Drop lnn.
Come on, come on.
Good luck to her...
and good luck to you
in our $ million summer.
lt could happen at any minute.
-You could win $ million.
-Come on, come on.
Stand still, Teddy.
Dad, I got to do my laps.
I have not yet mastered this contraption.
When I have,
then you may continue your laps.
Damn it.
Do you know who this is?
-No.
-That is trouble.
That is the girl that just might ruin
my restaurant on the bluff.
She's singing or something
tomorrow night.
If people do actually show up to hear her...
she might make some money.
She might make enough
to pay back the bank.
What are we going to do about it?
Stop her from singing?
Good, Teddy. Good.
Get it.
We're here to pick up your father's Jag.
He called us. We will need the keys.
-Get rid of this.
-Okay.
Come on.
ln sports, we've got the Nantucket Regatta
coming up...
and Cape Cod's own Mr. Congeniality....
Hi, guys.
-Hi, Ack Ack.
-Hi, Ack.
How you doing?
That's the last of it.
I'm history.
I wish I could make my father understand.
Hey, Ack...
I understand.
You do?
Let me tell you a story...
about a little fat boy that nobody loved...
and all the other kids,
they used to make fun of him...
and they would pick on him...
and they used to say
that he talked funny and stuff...
and he had a twin brother...
and everybody said...
that he didn't look
anything like his twin brother...
but he wanted to.
Egg....
Were you the little fat boy?
No. But I used to like to beat him up.
I'd go, "Why are you so fat?"
And I'd beat the shit out of him.
Isn't that a great story?
Yeah, thanks.
Are you a little nervous? No?
Nobody's going to show up.
Everybody's going to show up. It's been
the greatest media blitz in Nantucket.
-I don't want to hear another word.
-What about Beckerstead?
-Will he pull something?
-It's covered, I promise you.
You just relax and have a good time,
because you're going to be great.
Okay? Trust me.
Hoops...
I just want to tell you....
I guess I know what you mean.
Hoops?
Yeah. Got to run. See you at the club.
This one's for Cassandra.
Come on!
Teddy? Don't forget about tonight.
Dad, I'll go.
I'll go after I do my laps!
Thank you, Teddy.
Have a nice swim.
Come on in.
Come on in, Cookie wookie wookie.
-Cookie, help me!
-What's wrong?
Come here!
Two. Enjoy it.
What?
I'm sorry, Miss...
but all the money in the world
won't get you that house.
But it's my house,
and that's the money I owe you.
I understand.
Mr. Beckerstead bought the mortgage
from the bank.
He can foreclose when he wants.
You gave me until today.
I'm sorry.
The bank was lenient
for as long as it could be.
What about those people? It's their home.
How could you sell it to him?
Mr. Beckerstead is a lot wealthier
than you.
What's going on? What happened?
What does it matter? The house is theirs.
That's right.
And get this ugly mutt...
off my property.
Boscoe!
Dr. Balson to ER.
Squid, it's okay.
Boscoe's going to be just fine.
I don't know. They've been in there awhile.
I think I smell gas, too.
Cassandra, will you really leave?
Why should I stay?
There's nothing left here for me.
How can you say that?
What about the house
and all those people?
Will we just give in to the Beckersteads?
We can't let them walk away
with everything.
If we give in, we're giving in
to all the cute, fuzzy bunnies in the world.
Yeah, that's just what I was thinking.
What I mean is, we can't give up.
We got to think of a plan.
A plan.
"Without a plan, there's no attack.
"Without attack, no victory."
Where have I heard that before?
A plan. Oh, boy, I've got a plan.
-Acky's got a plan! What is it?
-The regatta.
The regatta?
The regatta. The sailing boat race.
The one-boat rowing, sailing,
motoring regatta around Nantucket.
Your plan involves a boat?
But Teddy will win it.
He wins every year.
Everybody knows that.
But what happens if he doesn't?
His grandfather takes away everything
he and his father own...
making his life as dreary as ours.
Poor guys.
And?
So we win the race.
He can't live without the trophy.
We can't live without the house.
We make a trade.
Great, Ack Ack.
There's just one thing missing.
The boat.
The boat.
She's really in good shape.
Mind you, she could use a little help.
George?
Welcome, all,
to the christening of the boat.
For this gala occasion, I got something...
my parents brought me back from France.
I've been saving it for a special occasion.
I think this is it.
That's really nice.
Cassandra, would you do the honors?
To the boat.
To the boat!
-We'll patch that up.
-We'll fix that later.
Listen, Hoops, here's a little something...
from all of us to all of you.
What, for me? What is it?
Thank you. What is this for?
The captain has to have his captain hat.
I can't accept this.
Acky, you be captain. It was your idea.
It's decided, Hoops.
You're the man for the job.
I can't be captain.
I won't even be on the boat.
I'll be on land. Sorry, fellows.
Hoops?
Let's have a look at that engine.
-Yeah.
-Sure, that'll be great.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I just don't like boats. I hate boats.
Since I was a kid, I don't like boats.
Maybe you just haven't had
the right kind of experience on a boat.
Maybe you're right.
That's it, boys.
We got to have an engine
for part of this race.
I'll get it.
Most of those guys
will have Evinrudes and Mercuries...
heavy stuff.
I don't think this puppy
is going to cut the mustard.
Well, that's the best my dad had.
Clay!
What happened?
Teddy brought his car in for a tune-up.
Did he hit you?
One, two, three, four.
What the hell is that?
Hi, Ted.
How you doing?
McCann.
Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Nantucket Regatta.
The first part of the regatta...
will test your strength and stamina.
From this line, you will row....
You!
You will not....
Get down! Come here.
Go! Go! Go!
Come on, save it for the race.
There, you will drop your sails...
and start your engines...
for the final stretch...
back into Nantucket Harbor.
Now....
lf everyone is ready....
Go! Go!
-Hey, Egg.
-What?
Tito Ramirez is wrestling
Mr. Congeniality...
in a half-hour.
Teddy says Mr. Congeniality
doesn't have a chance.
Go! Come on!
Go!
Come on, guys. They're gaining on us!
We'll take care of this right now.
Dad? Shit.
You just steer the boat,
you stupid, imbecilic retard.
You're not my son. I knew I couldn't
trust you to do this without me.
-What are you doing?
-First, we just take out that halyard.
This race is yours.
-Come on, Dad, I can win--
-Shut your mouth, Teddy!
That's an order.
Shit! What happened?
Now, you may proceed.
-The halyard snapped.
-It couldn't have just snapped.
Look.
You bastards!
Fix that Australian boat.
Well, there goes Cassandra's house.
That's that.
We can't quit!
We got to do something. Think!
We got to get the halyard
back through its holder.
We can't do that out here.
We're not dead yet.
Man, we're getting smoked.
What are you doing, Hoops?
Desperation move.
Two points!
Ty, take out the main sheet!
Come on!
-Man overboard!
-Jesus!
Drop the sails, fellows.
Acky. God.
Hold on, buddy. We'll be there in a minute.
All right!
Acky!
Go on!
I got him!
Are you sure?
I got him. Beat it!
Let's do it!
Go get those scum, mates!
Come to me. Help me, boys!
Check this out.
I don't believe it.
Aloha! We're back! How are you?
Teddy, go faster.
The wind's dying down.
We're almost to the engine buoy.
I'm not taking any chances.
Dad, damn it. Why don't you listen to me?
I can win!
The only way to win, Theodore...
is to cheat. Remember.
A little hole in their hull
will slow them down just enough.
He's lost his mind! Get down!
What the hell is that?
Teddy, come back here!
Come back here right now, boy!
Teddy!
My god. A giant dolphin with rabies.
Come back here!
Theodore!
Come back here. Help me!
The wind's coming up.
Let's set sail! Let's get out of here!
Boy, if I ever get out of this...
I'm going to make you into a stew!
Help me!
Somebody help me!
All right! There's the engine buoy!
There's the buoy!
Come on, let's get out of here.
Hustle! Come on, move it, move it!
Come on, ladies! Let's go!
Start up the engine.
Good luck trying to beat a Merc
with a lawnmower engine!
Gentlemen, prepare to blow the hatch!
Gentlemen, I am blowing the hatch!
Teddy, step on it.
I've got her full throttle.
She doesn't have any more.
What the hell they got in that thing?
My car.
Thank you very much.
Bye-bye. See you later!
I'd like to thank everyone
that made this possible.
Hey, Cookie.
Why don't we quit
playing all these games?
Look what I caught!
How you doing? Are you hurt?
Squid! Look at that.
Boscoe!
-Thanks again, mate.
-You're welcome.
I heard what you did, Ack Ack.
It's all over the island.
You're a hero.
I'm proud of you, Son.
Damn proud.
I want you to come home.
Does this mean
I have to give back the bazooka?
Let's talk about it over a hot chocolate.
Hey, Teddy.
What if we make a deal?
You need the trophy, we need the house.
And everybody's happy. Come on, Ted.
Okay.
You're only half right, McCann.
That house won't do you
or your father any good.
I'm not putting a dime
in the Beckerstead Estates.
This is the real investment, Teddy:
Friendship!
Here's your house back.
Thank you so much.
The little lady has quite a voice.
Come on, Teddy.
Once upon a time...
there was a happy guy
that love finally found...
and this time, love didn't pass him by.
Old boy finally caught a break.
This love story lasted all summer long.
There was nothing
even the cute and fuzzy bunnies...
could do about it, thank you.
. F.M...
music-money time.
This is it. We're looking
for caller number !
Good luck.
You're on the air!
-Hello?
-Hello!
This the contest at the radio station?
l hope you're sitting,
'cause you've won $ million!
-Jesus Christ, I won!
-lt's all yours!
This changes everything for me.
I deserve this. I've been sitting, waiting,
day after day...
in this room waiting for your lousy song...
and I've gotten through!
I feel so lucky, so blessed...
so powerful!
-Congratulations!
-Hello?
Hello?
We seem to be cut off.
Let's take another caller.
You're on the air.
-Did l win?
-You sure did.
You better believe it, lady.
$ million is all yours!
l can't believe it!
It's certainly been a great summer for you.
Just a second.
There's a rocket coming in here.
A rocket?
Wait, what about my money?
Hello? Hello?
ls anyone there?
Clay, look! A bonfire!
Get the marshmallows!
Thank you very much.