Paul Blart: Mall Cop Script - Dialogue Transcript

Paul Blart: Mall Cop Script

  

   
Let's go!
Move it!

  
50 more yards!

  
All right, let's go! Pick it up!

  
- Let's go!
- Yes, sir!

  
You're running out of time, Bryant!

  
Make it all the way around the track!
Come on!

  
You want to be troopers?
You better move it!

  
All right, next, get up here!

  
Let's hit it now.

  
Dean, come on!

  
All right.
You've all completed the written exam.

  
However, you must now pass
the obstacle course

  
to be admitted into the training program.

  
And remember, survive this,

  
and you're on the front lines
of keeping New Jersey safe.

  
Yeah.

  
Sorry about the test, Dad.

  
We all have our crosses to bear, sweetheart.

  
Mine is named hypoglycemia.

  
Well, that's why you always have to have
sugar nearby.

  
Are you gonna have pie?

  
Not tonight, Ma.

  
I'm just kidding.
Yeah, I'm gonna want some pie.

  
You...

  
No, I meant now, Ma. Get the pie now.

  
- Okay.
- You said it,

  
and I just kind of got that
stuck in my head now,

  
and can't really get it out. Pie. Here we go.

  
It really helps heal.

  
And, you know, not always, but sometimes,

  
you gotta do like the kids say,
and just say, "Whatever."

  
Kids don't talk like that.

  
Some do, sweetheart. The older ones, okay?

  
I hear them in the mall. You know?

  
Peanut butter.

  
It just fills the cracks of the heart.

  
Go away, pain.

  
- What?
- Paulie.

  
Oh, no. Come on, Ma.

  
I'm not ready for this right now.

  
- Dad.
- Please.

  
We just don't want to see you go through
another holiday alone.

  
But I'm not alone.

  
I've got you two. You know?

  
And besides, Black Friday's coming,

  
so my dance card's gonna be pretty full.

  
What?
It's the busiest shopping day of the year.

  
Yeah, I should have known better
than to try to explain it to civilians.

  
I wish I had a coworker here, like, "Tyler,
hey. You know, Black Friday's coming."

  
"Gee, Paul, you don't have to tell me
Black Friday's coming.

  
"Why do you think
I've been walking around here

  
"with the eyes of an eagle?"

  
- We prepare.
- Dad, what does all that have to do

  
with being happy for the rest of your life?

  
You said, and I quote,
"If I don't have a girlfriend by November,

  
"I'll let you sign me up
for perfectmatch.com."

  
That was last year.

  
Okay.

  
- Here we are.
- Okay.

  
"What are you looking for in a woman?"

  
Well, your mother certainly
had something special.

  
Yeah, illegal immigrant status.

  
She married you, got citizenship,
and then she left us.

  
That's not entirely true.

  
We did have some good times
back when she was still trying to trick me.

  
- Well, I hate her.
- Well, you shouldn't.

  
She gave me you.

  
- I am pretty great.
- You are. You are.

  
Okay, next question.
"Tell us about yourself."

  
Let's see.

  
I know a lot about sharks.

  
Let me stop you right there.

  
Well-built and a great hugger.

  
Awesome, Grandma.

  
Not as awesome as this.

  
What are you doing?

  
Beefing up your profile with that
nifty video that you made a few years back.

  
Ma, no.

  
I don't know. Don't you think
it's a little too, "Hey, look at me"?

  
Well, that is exactly what we want.

  
Eyes on the prize.

  
And don't worry,
I will edit out the sweaty parts.

  
Dear God!

  
Hey! Back away from the vehicle.

  
Oh, dear God. Please.

  
Chompers, get down!

  
Hey, you know where a men's room is?

  
I do.
You're gonna want to go to Lord and Taylor.

  
They got 12 stalls and heated seats.

  
Okay, keep the balls in the pit, kids. Kids!

  
Okay, my lip is numb.

  
All righty.

  
- There you go.
- Thank you.

  
Hey.

  
Yeah, I know.

  
That's not supposed to be here.
It's a minivan.

  
... he can't handle it.
The puck travels to the far board...

  
He keeps the play alive.

  
- Paul!
- Hey.

  
What is this?

  
That's my report on how to ease
traffic flow from Macy's

  
down through the specialty shops.

  
- How's that working out for you?
- Actually, it's for all of us.

  
You see, if we could reroute the customers
away from the food court,

  
it's gonna help the kiosks
and cut down on shopper frustration.

  
It's your classic two-bird,
one-stone scenario.

  
- Can I ask you something?
- Anything.

  
Why can't you just punch in, shut up
and punch out like the rest of us?

  
Safety never takes a holiday.

  
Did your mom crochet that on a pillow?

  
Blart.

  
This is Sims. He's a new trainee.
Let him trail you today.

  
Hey. Paul Blart. Ten-year veteran.

  
Wow. Veck Sims.

  
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.
Let's mount up.

  
Oh, yeah. That's the good stuff.

  
That's it. Treat her gentle, son.

  
Slap it, honor it.

  
So what made you want to pursue security?

  
I never finished high school.
This is all I could get.

  
Yeah, I'm currently working on becoming
a state trooper, myself.

  
Right now, I'm goose egg for eight.
Hypoglycemia.

  
Confusing, right? Cut yourself some slack.

  
My first week riding on the job,
I got lost behind the Sears.

  
They found me later in the fetal position,
sporting a full beard.

  
I'm kidding. I can't grow a beard.

  
My uncle can. Stay snug.

  
Now, in the event
that you approach an assailant,

  
here's what I want you to do.
You're gonna pull up,

  
left hip forward, placing your right hand
on your away hip thusly,

  
giving the illusion that you have a gun.
Which, of course, we both know

  
you don't.

  
Okay? But you know what we do have?

  
Our voices! We have our voices.

  
If you remember one thing
from today, it's this.

  
The mind is the only weapon
that doesn't need a holster.

  
Right. Awesome.
How long do we get for lunch?

  
Half hour. But I eat in 20, which leaves me
five minutes for social time,

  
five minutes to get refocused.

  
We got a high roller.

  
Sir, I'm gonna need you to pull to the right.

  
Please pull to the side, sir. Out of traffic.

  
Tan jacket, red scooter,
please pull to the right, out of traffic.

  
Sir.

  
Thank you.

  
Driving kind of recklessly back there, sir.

  
You're kidding.

  
I don't joke about shopper safety.

  
I'm afraid I'm gonna have to
issue you a citation.

  
Gonna need your first and last. Last first.

  
Sir. Sir. Sir, sir, sir.

  
Please don't make this more difficult
than it needs to be, okay?

  
Are you able to...
Sir. Sir! Sir. I am warning you, sir.

  
You're pushing it.

  
Sir. Sir. I am warning... Sir.

  
Sir. Sir. Sir.

  
Okay.

  
This is adding up, sir. He'll be back.
He'll be back. He'll be back.

  
- Hey.
- Hi. Do you need something?

  
Yes. I'd like to welcome you to our mall.

  
Well, thank you.

  
Is there something else?

  
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

  
Just looking for some hair extensions.

  
Need a little more volume up top.
Do you do men?

  
Do you do men hair? Do you do men hair?
On the men?

  
Are you the guy
that crashed into the minivan?

  
I don't think so. Which one?

  
Well, that one. That one right there.

  
Yeah. That one, yes. That...
You know, that one was me.

  
- Oh, wow. Are you okay?
- Oh, yeah. Never better.

  
Although they're docking the paycheck
pretty good.

  
Yeah.

  
You know what you should do?
You should get the security tape,

  
and then, like, sell it to one of those shows,
you know, where people crash into stuff.

  
- Hello, early retirement.
- Yeah, right?

  
Volume. Right, let me just see what I've got.

  
Yeah, this is Blart.
If you need me, I'm over by the kiosks.

  
Who is this?

  
It's Officer Blart, reporting from Sector 5.

  
What the hell are you bothering me for?

  
- Just a Code B check.
- What a moron.

  
You know, I'll check in with them later.
It's pretty intense.

  
Oh, right, yeah. Life of a security guard.

  
- What, what?
- No, it's just that you said security guard,

  
and it's perfectly acceptable...

  
I'm so sorry if I called you the wrong thing.

  
No, no, no, no. You did fine, you know?

  
It's just that there's a huge,
huge controversy

  
brewing in the industry right now,

  
whether the title should be
Security Guard or Officer.

  
I'm sure you heard about it.

  
- I didn't.
- You will. You're gonna.

  
- But I'm sure I will.
- It's out there.

  
So, you all set
for the busiest shopping day of the year?

  
Yeah, right.
And the worst day for a birthday.

  
This year, it falls on a Black Friday, which
means I probably won't even get a card.

  
Everyone's too busy shopping.

  
You know what? Yeah. Autumn Ash.

  
- Yeah.
- I think that's your color.

  
- I think this'll work.
- It's a winner.

  
- So that's $9.95.
- $9.95?

  
- Yeah.
- Wow.

  
At those prices,
now you got me thinking ponytail.

  
All right. Thank you.

  
Thank you.

  
- Right. So there you go.
- Okay.

  
And, there you go.

  
Thank you, Amy.

  
Thank you, Officer Blart.

  
Hey, Blart. Wow, nice shirt.

  
You went with a medium?

  
It's a bit formfitting,

  
but that's 'cause we're required to wear
protective vests under our...

  
No. Not buying it. No.

  
'Cause I don't see any vest
underneath here, so...

  
No, but it's a thick T-shirt.
Basically like a thermal they have you wear.

  
Nope. Nope. No.

  
I don't understand why you're laughing.
I just called you fat.

  
I'm not laughing.

  
Yeah, whatever. Amy.

  
Hey, everyone's going to American Joe's
tonight, and I want to see you there.

  
Okay?
We're gonna split some onion strings.

  
Wow. Wow.

  
Good.

  
Good hang.

  
Wow, yeah. That's great.

  
Hey, Blart, they need you
at Victoria's Secret.

  
Okay, roger that.

  
Okay, I gotta go.

  
Okay. Bye.

  
- I found it first.
- No, you didn't.

  
Ladies. Problem.

  
What's the genesis?

  
She's trying to take
the last push-up bra in this size.

  
There's gonna be a new shipment tomorrow.
They'll be here by noon.

  
Well, I need this one now.
I have a date tonight.

  
Really? Is he blind?

  
Whoa!
Waterproof shoes and Baggies on the socks.

  
Not my first rodeo.

  
Okay, ladies, need to see some ID.

  
No, you don't.

  
Ma'am, I should warn you, I do have
the authority to make a citizen's arrest.

  
So does anyone.
I could arrest you right now.

  
- That's true. She could.
- Hey, not talking to you. Okay?

  
Can I see you for a second, please, ma'am?

  
Look, I understand your sensitivity.

  
I've had some issues with weight myself.

  
- Are you calling me fat?
- No. No, no, no, no.

  
I'm just saying I've been down that road.

  
I mean... I mean, I'm still on it.
We both are, you know? Stranded.

  
Let's face it, we eat to fill a void, right?

  
But as soon as I started eating healthier,

  
I noticed I wasn't so moody.

  
And PS, your skin's gonna clear up.

  
- Can you hold onto these?
- Sure.

  
Ma'am.

  
You...

  
She's got tremendous upper body strength.

  
Backup! Backup!

  
She's biting my neck. She's biting my neck.

  
Backup!

  
Backup! Backup!

  
Look, I know you're new here and all,

  
but "backup" seems like
a pretty universal term.

  
Hey. Can I give you a lift?

  
What, on that?

  
With an inexperienced driver
I would recommend no,

  
but with me,
you'll be as safe as the President.

  
I don't know. Couldn't that get you fired?

  
Yes, it could.

  
Okay.

  
- Is this all right?
- Absolutely.

  
And here you go. Safe and sound.

  
- '65 Mustang.
- Yeah.

  
Fun fact for you, a lot of people think
the Mustang was named after the horse.

  
It was actually named after
the P-51 Mustang.

  
- That's a plane.
- I didn't know that.

  
Well, thank you for the ride, Paul.
That was so much fun.

  
No problem.

  
Listen,

  
if you ever, you know, need rides anywhere,

  
Dispatch, they can get me. You know.

  
- Or we could just text each other.
- Yeah.

  
- Yeah, give me your cell phone.
- My cell?

  
Yeah, and I'll punch my number in.

  
Left it in the casuals. You know what?

  
Just give me your number
and I'll remember it.

  
- Okay. Ready?
- Yep.

  
- All right. 555...
- Not yet. Just...

  
Now I'm ready.

  
- 555...
- 555...

  
...01...
...01...

  
...78.
- Eight. Got it.

  
That's it. It's locked.

  
Great, so I'll see you tonight
at American Joe's, right?

  
Yeah, I mean, everybody's going, so...

  
- Yeah.
...why not me, too? I'll be...

  
Yeah, I'm there.

  
- Great. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.

  
- Hey.
- Hey! Hey. Glad you made it, Paul.

  
Good to be here.

  
- Fun fact for you...
- This place sucks.

  
- You want to get out of here?
- No.

  
I'm sorry, what were you saying?

  
No, I was just saying that

  
the first American Joe's actually opened
its doors in 1972.

  
And most people,
because of its service and theme,

  
think that it's derivative of Abe and Louie's,
but it's not.

  
It's its own thing.

  
You really know a lot of facts, Paul.

  
Hey, Blart, I heard you got your ass handed
to you by a fat chick at Victoria's Secret.

  
Well, I don't hit women,

  
- so I don't even know what...
- Yeah. Just minivans, right?

  
Hey, why don't you go over to the bar
and grab yourself one of those girly drinks?

  
- I'll meet you over there.
- Okay. Does anybody else want a drink?

  
- 'Cause Stuart's buying.
- No, no, no. They're good. They're good.

  
- So... They're good.
- Okay.

  
Hey, listen, I...
We're basically already together, so...

  
I wasn't... I didn't even realize that.

  
- And I was... I wouldn't... Doing anything.
- Yeah.

  
I just want you to grab a hold of it, tight.

  
- Okay?
- I got it.

  
I mean,
it's not like you really had a chance, okay?

  
Security guard? Really.

  
But you're a pen salesman, dude.

  
Yeah, and I just bought a Camry,
so you can eat me.

  
All right, bro. Back off.
You know, we're all just here having fun.

  
Okay, bro.

  
What?

  
Hey, thanks
for getting my back there, brother.

  
Security blood runs deep between...
Yeah, let's just go.

  
- Round six.
- Let's do this thing.

  
- Gentlemen ready?
- No.

  
Not yet. Now I'm ready. Okay.

  
And, go!

  
Leon, I can't give you the Heimlich,
so you better chew.

  
I know.

  
Told you, boy. You better hurry up.

  
There you go. Nachos in my face.

  
Oh, my God. These peppers.
The peppers are hot.

  
Oh, my God. Oh, that's a hot pepper.

  
Nachos are good, man.

  
Better inform all your friends, boy.
Nachos about to be gone.

  
You're lagging behind.

  
Come on, Paul. Playing games.

  
I love these nachos, I'll tell you that much.

  
- That lemonade is insane.
- Yeah, Paul.

  
- That's because it's a margarita.
- No. I don't drink.

  
Twist it.

  
Feel the nub.

  
- Hey, you want some? Here.
- Yeah.

  
You want fruit?

  
Bye! You blinked! You blinked.

  
Time to pluck the grape from the vine.

  
Still got the Baggies! Hot jiggity.

  
Coming on the left.

  
False alarm.

  
Told my mom everything about us.

  
What are you talking about?

  
You're acting coy. Come on. It's natural.

  
You know. You so know.

  
No, I'm sorry, Paul. I don't know.

  
Snap. Pop goes the weasel.

  
So happy!

  
Yeah!

  
Yeah!

  
I believe in magic!

  
No way!

  
I'm sorry it didn't work out, dear.

  
It's fine, Ma.

  
- Hey, Dad, why don't we check for matches?
- Yes.

  
Yeah, I don't think so, sweetheart.
I think I'm just gonna turn in.

  
Well, how about something special
for lunch tomorrow to cheer you up?

  
I don't think so, Ma. It's fine.

  
If something's gonna work,
it would be the sloppy joe.

  
But that would probably... You know.

  
You know, if you're doing the sloppy joe,
do the sweet potato fries.

  
But it... Whatever, you know.
Well done. Yeah.

  
Maya. Hey.

  
Dad. I'm so sorry.

  
It's okay.

  
There are other fish in the sea.

  
You just gotta keep looking.

  
And it doesn't matter what you do.

  
Because once someone takes the time
to get to know the real you,

  
all bets are off.

  
If it doesn't work out, you'll always have us.

  
I'm sorry, sweetie, I popped my ears.
I didn't hear a word you were saying.

  
You just have to...

  
Is that a tattoo?

  
I... Yeah, yeah, it is.

  
When did you get it?

  
- I got it last night.
- What is it?

  
It's the Loch Ness monster.

  
I don't drink.

  
- Hey.
- Hi.

  
That was

  
a little weird the other night, huh?

  
Yeah, you know, it had its moments. Yeah.

  
Was one of them
when I tried to make out with your purse?

  
You see, alcohol instantly turns to sugar
in the blood.

  
And what happens is the capillaries...

  
Yeah, look. A lot of people...

  
Pretty much everybody, you know, tends
to write me off.

  
And if you did, too, believe me, I get it.

  
I just...
I guess what I'm asking is that you don't.

  
Okay. You know, I'm sorry, I've just...

  
I've gotta cash my paycheck
before the bank closes. I'm...

  
No problem.
Maybe we could talk later or something?

  
- Yeah, sure. You could just text me, or...
- Okay.

  
- Yeah.
- I can do that. I can do that.

  
You know, Paul, everybody texts these days.

  
I can't believe you don't have a cell phone.

  
I'm not about all this technology, Vijay.

  
I prefer face-to-face interaction
or a nice handwritten sentiment.

  
300 bucks?

  
I dug myself into a really deep hole
with this girl, you gotta help me. Please.

  
Paul, you've always been a straight shooter,
so I'll tell you what.

  
Why don't you take my daughter
Parisa's phone?

  
- No, I can't do that.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

  
I'm punishing her.

  
No. What with all the parties
and that ex-boyfriend Pahud,

  
she went over her minutes.

  
When and if she decides to turn
her life around, I'll simply take it back.

  
Until then, you use it.

  
- Thanks.
- Sure.

  
- Stay within the minutes.
- Of course.

  
Hey. It's too late to go in that way, guys.
It's closed.

  
- No one's going in there.
- Yeah. I think we are.

  
Hey, yo, Paul. Come here, man.

  
Look, I know you been feeling down,
so I got this for you.

  
"The Devil's Crotch."

  
Feel the burn, baby.

  
- Thanks, Leon.
- Get back at me, man.

  
- Loading dock's ready.
- Got it.

  
Yeah.

  
You need a pen, don't you?

  
You know what? No, I'm good.

  
- I'll just use one of their pens.
- Yeah, you do.

  
Yes. The Summit 5280 fountain.

  
- That's stunning.
- Yeah, I know.

  
How would you like to sign your name
with this panther?

  
You know what? More than anything.

  
- Yeah, that'd be great.
- Here. Yeah.

  
It's yours. I insist.

  
Oh, hey, guys.

  
- Hey.
- Hey.

  
- Hey.
- Don't you just love Fridays?

  
- Yeah.
- Best night of the week.

  
Yeah.

  
- Excuse me. Sorry.
- Hey.

  
Paul. Paul, can you help me out?

  
I need to shoot over to the bank
for a minute.

  
There's a few kids inside,
just finishing up their games.

  
Could you close up the arcade for me?

  
- Yeah, sure. No problem, Mr. Ferguson.
- Okay.

  
- You okay? You seem a little down.
- Yeah, I'm fine.

  
You know, video game might
cheer you right up.

  
Nah, I'm on duty.

  
Welcome to the games!

  
Get set.

  
Go.

  
Foul. Foul.

  
Foul. Foul.

  
Foul. Foul.

  
Foul. Foul. Foul. Foul.

  
Game over.

  
We are ready.

  
Let's do this.

  
Attention shoppers.

  
Please make your way to the nearest exits.

  
Unfortunately, the mall will be closing early.

  
- Everybody out!
- Everybody out!

  
Everybody out, now!

  
You, too!

  
Hi. Hey! Hey! You got me...

  
I'm at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.

  
Hey, yo. Hey, there's some crazy-ass people
trying to take over the mall.

  
- I'm out of here.
- Everybody on the floor!

  
Tell them to bring SWAT.
There may be hostages.

  
What are you doing? Get down.

  
Oh, my God.

  
Surprised? I know.

  
But here's the craziest part.

  
I'm the leader.

  
Reports are, they're inside the bank
and they got hostages.

  
This is Sergeant Howard. I need four units
around the back to secure the perimeter.

  
See if we can establish visual.
Report back to me immediately.

  
Let's get all these civilians out of here.

  
See if we can gain access
into the loading dock.

  
- Go.
- I'm on it. 94, move 'em out.

  
Hello?

  
Feeling alive?

  
I'm sorry?

  
Parisa.

  
She makes you feel alive, doesn't she?

  
This must be Pahud.
Pahud, no, I'm not with Parisa.

  
My name's Paul Blart.

  
Parisa's dad took her cell phone away,
and he lent it to me.

  
Do not lie to me, Paul Blart.
Do not lie to me.

  
You are probably
sweating over her right now.

  
I'm not lying.

  
I mean, I am sweaty,
but I'm not sweating over anyone.

  
That woman is like an angelic goddess
who only brings goodness to this world.

  
Plus, she has some crazy sexy feet.

  
Paul, the pain of this breakup
is far too much for me to bear, man.

  
Pahud, no one can blame you
for being upset.

  
I mean, the holidays are tough enough
without adding heartbreak to the mix.

  
Wow. Them's some heavy words, Paul Blart.

  
Hey, life is heavy.

  
Indeed. Now, you are at the mall, huh?

  
So why do you not head over
to Orange Julius,

  
call up my friend Sameer Oh?

  
Tell him you are now my homeboy.
He will hook you up.

  
Wait a second.
How'd you know I was at the mall?

  
I track Parisa's phone with GPS.
Don't you judge me.

  
Closing time already.

  
Okay, there are 223 stores in this mall.

  
Here is a list of the 15 that I need you to hit.

  
And 15 for you.

  
Okay.

  
Now this is the key to retrieve the codes
from each store's credit-card machine.

  
They change every day, so make sure

  
that you bring me back the codes
for today, Friday.

  
Veck, six guys in standard formation,
just like you said.

  
Perfect.

  
Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!

  
And these little piggies went
all the way home.

  
Do it.

  
Gary usually delivers the leftovers
to the Mission.

  
Hey, everyone. A couple requests.

  
Kindly tie up the person beside you,
keep your mouths shut,

  
give up your cell phones,
and as a general rule, do as I say.

  
You do all these things...
Well, you'll be back at home in no time.

  
Back to your mediocre lives.

  
- I don't have one.
- Amy.

  
I was hoping that you and I could have
a whole Bonnie-and-Clyde thing going on.

  
You know, minus dying
in a hail of gunfire, of course.

  
What do you say?

  
Go to hell.

  
Ouch.

  
Hey, Stewie, you don't mind
that I'm hitting on your girlfriend, do you?

  
What? No. She's not my girlfriend.

  
But I specifically heard you say
that you two were "basically together."

  
No. I didn't say that we were together.
I said that she's into leather.

  
Have at it. If you...

  
God, you're an idiot.

  
Hello?

  
This is Sergeant Howard
of the West Orange Police Department.

  
- Who am I speaking with?
- Hi.

  
Yeah, well, so here's the deal.

  
As you learned the hard way,
I have motion sensors by all the doors,

  
so if you wanna enter my mall,

  
you might as well bring
at least six body bags.

  
He's drilling the safe,
and they have eyes on us.

  
See if we can tap into the security cameras.

  
Now look, no one's gonna try
and enter the mall.

  
Is there anything you need? Do you need
any food? Do you need any water?

  
Oh, man. This dude
doesn't deviate from the book at all.

  
You know, since you're asking,
I would love a Happy Meal,

  
you know, but...
Make sure the toy is the sea monster,

  
'cause I already have the dragon.

  
Okay, okay, now what is it you really want?

  
Silence.

  
Hey, I'm sorry, mall's closed,

  
but I can help you find the nearest exit
if you just tell me where you parked.

  
Sweet mercy.

  
This is not happening,
this is not happening, this is...

  
Oh, God. All right, think, Paul, think.

  
Now what are you trained to do?

  
Nothing.

  
Detect, deter, observe, report.
I gotta report it. Reporting it.

  
Yo, we got a straggler.

  
- It's a security guard.
- What should we do?

  
I don't know. Give up, I guess.

  
Guys, what is wrong with you?
We stick to the plan.

  
We got a 911 operator connecting us
with some guy named Paul Barth.

  
He says he's a security officer in the mall.

  
Hey. Blart? He's one of my guys.

  
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard
of West Orange Police Department.

  
The mall has been taken over,
and they have hostages.

  
I need you to exit the building immediately.

  
We don't need any wild cards
in this situation.

  
Copy that. Never been a wild card.

  
Unless you consider the game of Uno wild.

  
- Blart! Can we focus here, please?
- Yes. Yes, sir. On my way out.

  
Okay, okay. Come on, don't die. Don't die.

  
Blart.

  
Don't pee. Don't pee.

  
Guys, motion detector just went off
at Door 26. Everybody on it.

  
Amy.

  
What the hell is he doing? Come on!

  
- Paul, come on!
- Paulie, come on!

  
- What's he doing?
- Come on, Blart!

  
Blart, come on!

  
- Let's go! Move it!
- Come on! Come on!

  
- Get out of there!
- Come on!

  
Is he crying?

  
- I can't leave her.
- Where's he going?

  
- Blart!
- Where's he going?

  
Blart, get back! Will you talk to him, please?

  
Blart, this is Brooks. What's going on?

  
Sir, I took a sworn oath to protect this mall
and all inside it.

  
What oath? We don't have an oath.

  
I sort of made up my own.
It's on a plaque in my room.

  
Listen, I think you're making a big mistake.

  
SWAT's on the way.

  
And I'm not gonna sugarcoat it,
you're untrained, you're unarmed,

  
and let's face it, son,
you present a huge target.

  
With all due respect, sir,
I can't observe and report from the outside.

  
Over.

  
Well, Sergeant,
looks like you got your eyes on the inside.

  
Amy, Paul Blart here.
Are you still in the mall?

  
Send.

  
Got him.

  
Oh, my God. Oh, God.

  
Think. Think. Think, think, think,
think, think, think, think! Think!

  
Hold it together.

  
Heart of a warrior.

  
I missed lunch.

  
Thank you.

  
This isn't happening, this is not happening.

  
Hey! Don't make this hard.

  
You like that?

  
Brooks, I took out a girl,
but the guy, he ran away.

  
- Wow, Paul, you got one.
- Yes.

  
But let the record show,
I did not hit a woman. I just...

  
I put all my weight on her.

  
Oh, Paul.

  
No, no, no. She's fine, she's fine.

  
Well, good, let's get you out of there.

  
No can do, sir.
I am gonna finish what I started.

  
What the heck is this?

  
Give me that.

  
Paul, this is Sergeant Howard again.

  
Since you refuse to come out,
I'm gonna need you to go into the bank

  
and find out
where they're holding the hostages.

  
With honor, sir.

  
Good to know.

  
Hey, I haven't heard back
from Donner or Vixen.

  
Okay. I'm calling an audible here, everyone.

  
And I need to get this mall locked down
from the inside immediately.

  
Why don't we just start wasting hostages?
That'll stop them.

  
Well, that's one way to go, but our hostages
are the only thing keeping the cops outside.

  
I'm Commander Kent. My team is deploying.
I need this location secured.

  
- We got a three-block perimeter...
- Establish a perimeter

  
and get all these people out of here.

  
Whoa, whoa, this is all done already.

  
My men are gonna do it again, the right way.

  
Have your guys fall back, now.
Have there been any demands?

  
- A Happy Meal and absolute silence.
- Well, let's make some noise.

  
I got snipers at the ready,
communications in check.

  
Let's tap into security now,
and let's get some visuals.

  
You can't.
They knocked out the video cameras.

  
I'll be ready to take on-scene command
in three, two, one. I'm in charge.

  
Brooks, I'm observing the bank now.

  
They got one assailant
guarding the hostages.

  
There she is.

  
My, God. You are my angel pie.

  
Here come the love sweats.

  
Paul, your radio's still on.

  
Roger that.

  
- What's going on? Who is that?
- We got a guy on the inside.

  
Don't tell me one of your beat cops
is trying to be a hero.

  
No, he's neither. His name is Blart.
He's one of my security guards.

  
- Wait a minute. Blart?
- Yeah.

  
- Paul Blart?
- Yeah.

  
Are you kidding me? We used to abuse
that loser in high school. Give me that.

  
Blart.

  
This is Commander James Kent.
New Jersey SWAT.

  
We went to high school together.
Remember?

  
I set you on fire at the pancake festival?

  
Oh, yeah. Hey, Jimmy.

  
Go Green Hawks.

  
Yeah, listen. I've got 50 highly trained,
armed professionals out here.

  
At my command,
we are retaking this location,

  
and there's no way I'm compromising
this mission so that some mall monitor

  
who used to eat lunch
with his imaginary friend can screw it up.

  
Sorry, Jimmy, I had the button pressed.
All I heard was "lunch" and "friend."

  
Could you do me a favor
and put Chief Brooks back on?

  
Listen to me, Blart,

  
you are no longer communicating
with Chief Brooks. Is that clear?

  
Hello?

  
Hello?

  
Yeah? Oh, hey, Paul, how you doing?

  
Well, it looks like they moved the hostages
into the teller area.

  
I'm gonna get a closer look.

  
Veck.

  
There he is!

  
- Everyone in the back room, now!
- Come on, move, move!

  
Let's get in the back, huh?

  
Brooks. I lost visual on the hostages.
I couldn't get them out.

  
But I know who the leader is. It's Veck.

  
Veck? The trainee?

  
- No. The brainee.
- I don't believe this.

  
I'll pass it on to Howard.

  
Oh, God.

  
Trapped is fine by me.

  
Commence tanning. Three, two, one.

  
Yeah!

  
Yes!

  
Time for some big-game hunting.

  
Open, open, open! Thank God.

  
Oh, no.

  
Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir! We get it!

  
Get him! Get him! Get him!

  
You better run.

  
- Rudolph, where are you?
- I'm about to end this.

  
Amy, huh? What a coincidence.

  
We got a cute little redhead
down at the bank named Amy.

  
- Strawberry blonde, actually.
- Yeah?

  
Well, I guess I know who I'm killing first.

  
- Catch you later!
- Yeah?

  
Well, it looks like you just ran out of mall.

  
It'll be over quick. She won't feel a thing.

  
You aren't gonna touch her,
but you are gonna feel this.

  
Nobody wins with a head butt.

  
- Give me your cell phone.
- I don't have one.

  
What are you talking about?
Every kid has a cell phone.

  
I prefer handwritten sentiments.

  
Who are these sloppy joes for?
And who gave you this?

  
They're mine.
I'm late for my shift at Foot Locker.

  
We're getting the leader on the horn.
He wants to talk to you.

  
Silence, my ass.

  
What's the matter?
Throw a few jabs your way,

  
you curl up in a corner, suck your thumb?

  
If you don't go toe-to-toe
with that scumbag,

  
he's gonna roll over on you all night long.

  
It's all right. That's not my style.

  
Well, just in case, I wrote down
a couple of clever comebacks, like...

  
Here.

  
This is what you been doing?

  
"Yeah, you and what army?"

  
- What's wrong with that?
- He has an army.

  
Everyone deserves a card on their birthday.

  
So when you and Rudolph
were laughing it up back at the crib

  
about how easy all this was gonna be,
were you guys like,

  
"Man, any brain-dead mall cop
that gets in the way is gonna get smoked"?

  
And then... And then what?
You guys all high-fived?

  
- Veck, this guard is...
- Winning! I know this, because I am all set!

  
But sadly, no codes!

  
And I'd say, considering
all the luxury items that I have stacked up

  
in my Amazon shopping cart,
situation unacceptable!

  
No, no, no, no, no, no. He looking.

  
Give me a gun.

  
Put it down. Put it down.

  
What are you nodding about?

  
I was just wondering,
were you serious about that Happy Meal?

  
It isn't coming, is it?

  
What?

  
This is Commander James Kent,
New Jersey SWAT.

  
You wanted to speak to me?

  
I just wanna make sure
that no one does anything stupid.

  
You should know my men are deployed
and ready to bring this thing to a resolution.

  
The easy way or the hard way.

  
That is such a tough call, but...

  
Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and go with C,
none of the above!

  
I'm Amy, by the way.

  
- Amy? From unbeWEAVEable?
- Yeah.

  
I'm Maya.
My father talked forever about you.

  
And I gotta say, he really does like you.

  
I'm gonna throw up.

  
Oh, that's not so bad.

  
Oh, my God.

  
They've got his daughter.

  
- Dad?
- Maya.

  
- Everything's gonna be okay.
- How's your blood sugar?

  
Don't worry about me, okay?
I'm worried about you.

  
I love you.
All right, now, I'm gonna get you all out.

  
You just hang in there, okay, sweetie?

  
I will. I'm a Blart, remember?

  
Yeah. I'll see you soon.

  
I'm supposed to be on my way
to the Cayman Islands with the hostages.

  
And where the hell is Rudolph?
He should be back by now.

  
"If Veck gets the codes,
he's taking us to Cayman Islands"?

  
Well, Veck Sims, welcome to the show.

  
Come and get me, Veck.

  
I got your codes
for the credit-card machines.

  
- Yo, you hear that? That's Paul, baby!
- Blart?

  
That's who's been screwing all this up?
You have got to be kidding me.

  
Give me a radio.

  
Let me tell you something.

  
You take hostages in my mall,
you are making a big mistake.

  
You seriously undermissed...

  
And you seriously...

  
Oh, no!

  
Blart?

  
Sugar. Sugar.

  
Blart? You there, Blart?

  
Hello, Blart. You there?

  
Hey, Blart!

  
I was hoping we could get an ETA
of when you're gonna give up.

  
How about now?

  
I'll meet you on the corner of Ne and Ver.

  
Yeah, you heard me. Never!

  
All right, Dad.

  
Hey, fellas! You looking for me?

  
Come on. Come on, come on. Come on.

  
Follow me.

  
There he is.

  
We got him trapped in Rainforest Cafe.

  
Great. Wait for me.
You know, my mom always said,

  
"If you want something done right,
waste the guy yourself."

  
I'm paraphrasing, of course. You stay here.

  
Prancer, take the back.

  
Hey, you. Scuba Dooby-Doo.

  
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Can I have my codes now, please?

  
Why? No codes, no Cayman Islands?

  
Looks like Paul Blart turned into
quite the badass.

  
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Relax.

  
No.

  
One thing I know is
Paul Blart is not a badass.

  
Comet! Don't come back till he's dead!

  
Brooks. Only one more left.
Then it's just me and Veck.

  
Okay, who's talking to Blart?

  
Was it you, sugar mouth?

  
All right. Let's try this again.

  
Wait! No, no, no! No, no, no, no, no!

  
It's her phone, it's hers.
She's talking to him.

  
She's talking to him, and I told her not to.
And it's under her leg.

  
The phone. Her right leg. Right there.
That's good.

  
Okay.

  
That was close.

  
He is a pro.

  
Listen, Blart, time's up. We're busting in.

  
Wait! Look, Veck's after
the credit-card codes, and I got them.

  
Just give me a few minutes.

  
No problem.

  
Isn't that cute?

  
- Hey, Amy. I'm on my way.
- Oh, hey, Blart.

  
Wow. Our boy Stuart just turned me on
to your profile

  
on lonelyloser.com.

  
"Likes morning rain, walks on the beach."

  
Who are you, Olivia Newton-John?

  
I was just speaking from the heart.

  
Yeah, well, I didn't have to go online, Paul,
to know that you love peanut brittle.

  
You're so pathetic.

  
Trippy.

  
This I can use.

  
What do you want, Veck?

  
I just want the $30 million
that I came here for.

  
But, you know, I would settle offing
your dream girl, or maybe your daughter.

  
You touch them, I swear I'll end you.

  
What're you gonna do, Paul?

  
You gonna pull up with your left hip forward
giving the illusion that you have a gun,

  
which you and I both know you don't?

  
- I could.
- You're not gonna do squat.

  
The next time I see you, Paul,
I'm gonna put a bullet in your head.

  
I don't think so. I'm taking you down.

  
Blart!

  
Oh, Blart.

  
Sweet mercy.

  
I wish I had a bat. I would bust you open,
see how much candy fell out.

  
- Too tight!
- This is not happening.

  
- It's not happening.
- Come on.

  
Bravo. That was awesome.

  
And you were just so close
to making it, too, Paul. Just so close.

  
- It's not over yet.
- Yeah, I think it is.

  
Now the only thing I need are my codes,
which, judging from your text messages,

  
you have been so sweet as to enter them
into your phone just for me.

  
You think I'm gonna carry the phone
with me that actually contains the...

  
- Yello?
- Peanut Blart and Jelly.

  
What's up, man?
So good to hear your voice.

  
Yeah, it's good to hear
your voice, too, Pahud.

  
Listen, I'm gonna have to call you back.

  
- What? When?
- I don't know when. I'll talk to you later.

  
Okay, Paul, call me back!
Call me back, Paul!

  
I mean,
this just keeps getting better and better.

  
I mean, you are impossible
to underestimate.

  
I mean, you can't pass the trooper exam,

  
you black out if you don't have
a Snickers bar like every 20 minutes,

  
you had the chance to be the MVP,
and you blew it.

  
Again, like you always do.
Ain't that right, Maya?

  
What do you want me to say, Veck?
You're smarter than me.

  
You're good on computers,
you kept your weight under control.

  
I mean, people,
they look at me and you, and...

  
Yeah, it's a landslide.

  
It's no contest.

  
Sorry.

  
Right now, you're the man with the gun.

  
So here you go.

  
Come on!

  
Go get him!

  
Go, Dad.

  
What...

  
Probably should have capitalized on that.

  
Dad!

  
Lock and load, boys. We're going in.

  
Hey, we're on the move.

  
Let's go.

  
Come on, come on, come on.

  
Paul. Think, Paul. Think!

  
Let's go, men. Take it down.
Secure the suspects.

  
Get down!

  
Hold your fire! Hold your fire!

  
Down. The other one. That's the back one.

  
No, no. That's the same one. No!
The other one!

  
Veck got away with my daughter and Amy.

  
Entry team, clear the mall. We'll pursue.

  
Light.

  
Open the door.

  
Let's do this.

  
Jimmy, give me your cell phone.

  
Gotta hand it to you, Blart.
You're really taking care of business.

  
What up?

  
Pahud, do you still have GPS
on Parisa's cell phone?

  
You know I do, Paul. You know I do.
What can I do for you?

  
I need to know where it's headed.

  
Paul, it looks like
they're on their way to McGuire Airfield.

  
I know where that is. Thanks.

  
Hang on.

  
My God. There they are.
Jimmy, take the wheel.

  
What?

  
Here we go! Here we go!

  
That was me. I can't...

  
Here I go! No!

  
Blart!

  
Don't do it! Blart!

  
Oh, God. Oh, God.

  
Maya! Maya, get inside.

  
- Oh, God!
- Dad!

  
Paul?

  
I really don't drink.

  
Come on. Oh, yeah?

  
- Dad!
- Come on.

  
Dad!

  
Man, that hypoglycemia is a killer.

  
I told you I'd take you down.

  
Blart!

  
Very impressive,
taking down an assailant without a gun.

  
I hope you don't mind if I use one.

  
What?

  
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yeah.

  
I guess
it's off to the Cayman Islands then, huh?

  
Soon as I get my money.

  
Yeah, well, you'll be needing this.

  
Just give it to him, Dad.

  
Oh, I will. Suck on that!

  
Okay. Situation update?

  
We have seven assailants in custody, sir.

  
- Great. Nobody talks to them but me.
- Yes, sir.

  
You see, jackass? I don't need the phone.

  
'Cause I got all the access codes
written on their arm.

  
Now, I kill you three,
there'll be no witnesses.

  
And since everybody thinks
this was a bank...

  
I got a newsflash for you.
Your flight's been canceled.

  
That's better than anything I got.

  
You did good, Dad.

  
Yeah, I am pretty great.

  
You know, she doesn't need a green card.

  
I don't know what to say.

  
I have something I want to say to you.

  
Happy birthday, Amy.

  
I heard you applied to be a state trooper.

  
You say the word,
my department would be proud to have you.

  
Thank you, sir. But I think
I'm gonna stick with what I do best.

  
It's protecting the people
of the West Orange Pavilion Mall.