Voila! Finally, the Pauly Shore Is Dead
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Pauly Shore movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Pauly Shore Is Dead. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[ Man ] I don't know what the fuck happened. Things just got fucked up.
No one will fuckin' call me, and I'm a big joke. And-And the critics--
Pauly, you don't know what you're talking about.
You're great. People love you. You have a following.
- Bio-Dome was a great movie. - Did you see Jury Duty?
- No. - Neither did anyone else.
Did you see Hot Shots.!?
[ sighs ] God, I love that movie.
- Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it? - Yeah.
My-My point is, Pauly, is that we've all had our flops.
- Mm, some more than others. - [ sighs ]
But... it'll turn around.
Well, how'd you do it?
Talent.
Good genes.
I didn't come up with some weird animal noise. [ Chittering ]
- That's not the point, okay? It's-- - [ knocking ]
- [ sighs ] - Uh--
Look, I gotta get back to the set. Uh--
Is there a part in there for me?
Charlie, is there a part in your movie for me?
Look, I'll-- I'll talk to the director.
I'll see what I can do. I'll-I'll tell him you're available.
I'll tell him you're available.
Not for long.
- [ Vacuum Cleaner Humming ]
- [ Murmuring, Indistinct ]
- [ Vacuum Cleaner Continues ] - [ Continues Murmuring ]
[ Exhales ] Okay.
- [ Vacuum Cleaner shuts Off] - Pablo.
Pablo?
[ screaming ]
Topping the news this evening, actor-comedian Pauly shore was found dead...
in a loft in his mother's West Hollywood hills home.
- Pauly, best known as the Weasel, started his career on MTV. - [ Crying ]
- [ Man Sobbing ] - He went on to star in such movies as Encino Man...
- [ sobbing Loudly ] -Jury Duty and son in Law.
Autopsy reports will be ready in just a few days.
Many say he was a genius who died before his time.
- ''Genius''? Genius of what? - [ Laughs ]
We go to the streets now to get the public's reaction.
You know, he tried to sleep with me once... and tape it.
- Me too. - Did you do it?
[ TV..People Wailing, Crying ]
Pauly shore, dead at the age of .
The kid wasn't fuckin' wired right.
Any fuckin'jackass could've seen that.
[ Woman Reporter] All of the community is mourning the death...
- My son! My son! - of comedic genius Pauly shore.
- An erect penis-- - [ People Wailing, Chattering ]
that's what it would appear to be underneath the sheet.
A strange turn of events--
[ Pauly Narrating ] I guess it's true what they say when you die.
You're a lot more loved. That's probably why I did it.
I was so sick of people coming up to me every day...
and ask me what my next movie was.
How was I supposed to explain to my fans that my shit was tired...
and I had pigeon-holed myself as the Weasel?
They don't understand how Hollywood works.
Lenny Bruce,John Belushi and Sam kinison all went down...
as comedic geniuses who died before their time.
And now, me, Pauly Shore.
But before the media blows it out of proportion--
before Access Hollywood and Jerry springer get ahold of it--
let me tell you the truth about how I got here.
[ Pauly Narrating ] I was born and raised in Hollywood, California.
My dad's a comedian, and my mom owns a comedy club.
And my mom didn't own just any comedy club.
She owned the world-famous Comedy Store...
on the Sunset Strip.
The Comedy Store's like the Emerald City for comedians.
Everyone started out there. Everyone.
I remember, one time, my mom even had Sam kinison babysit for me.
[ screeching ] Ohhhhh!
Yeah, thanks, Mom. I guess Charles Manson was out of your price range.
The best part about my mom, though--
she's been partying her whole life.
Which was great for me, 'cause I was the first baby born with the munchies.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Dude, you forgot to flush. - Dude, I'm flushin' now, man.
[ Pauly Narrating ] Nah, my name's not the Weasel.
My name's Paul Montgomery Shore-- P.M.S.
I was just like most kids.
I was in Little League. I had braces. I even modeled.
I went to Beverly Hills High School.
And I wasn't on the football team. I was in the dance company.
And after I graduated, I took my acting very seriously.
And then it finally happened. One night in the spring of' ...
-my manager got me an audition for MTVat Mom's club. -[ Audience Cheering ]
- And finally, I became the Weasel. Oh.! - [ Cheering ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Cool, buddy. Aw-ooh!
My MTVshow led to movies, HBO specials, strippers and porno stars.
- [ Audience Cheering ] - Hello!
Yeah, I was livin' the American Dream.
And then, one day, my so-called glamorous life came to a screeching halt.
[ screams ]
I got the most devastating news ever.
No, not genital warts. Worse.
I got a sitcom... on Fox.
After that, everything else got kind ofblurry.
- [ TV..Man Grunts ] - [ TV..Man # ] Pauly, where'd you get all that cash?
- I found some loose change in the sofa. - [ Canned Laughter ]
That is one of the perks about being your best friend-- all that trickle-down cachet.
We have to hurry home, 'cause my dad's got a big surprise waitin' for me.
All right, all right.
Wow. Check out those girls. They're scopin' us out.
- [ Both Laugh ] - [ Engine Revving ]
- [ Woman ] You must be Pauly. - And you must be...
- my dad's big surprise. - [ Canned Laughter]
- What? - It's a good thing we're below sea level.
Down periscope!
Oh! Honey, you gotta get in here. You gotta see this shit.
This is the worst fuckin' show I've ever seen.
- [ Boy ] Now, Dawn is Carol. - Wait, wait, wait. I wanna beJan...
so I can sleep in the same room with Marsha.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. Why does she get everything?
[ Ululating ]
Oh, my God. I hate this fucking country.
[ Woman ] I have bras that work harder than you.
Yeah, well, your bras may be workin'...
but it looks like your panties took the day off.
- [ All Laughing ] - Hey, yo!
This nigga Pauly is fuckin' crazy, man!
You'd better watch it. Your father listens to me. I have his ear.
That's not the only thing you have of his.
You ever seen Pauly? And then you see Pauly... on weed?
- [ All Laughing ] - On weed? A lotta weed?
Oh, my God!
- [ Pauly ] Wow. That's a pretty nice rock. - [ Woman ] Thanks.
It's a four-carat, emerald-cut, blue-eyed diamond.
- [ Canned Laughter ] - [ Laughing ]
[ Singsong ] Yeah. My mom's was bigger.
- Oh! Oh! Oh! - [ Camera shutter Clicking ]
- [ Laughing ] - Well, that's it, you guys.
- [ sighing ] Oh. - Well.
- speech! speech! - speech?
- Yeah. Yeah. - speech? Okay.
Oh, man. Well, first of all--
[ Exhales ] I wanna thank you guys for being here.
That means a lot to me.
I gotta thank my manager, Mitch, and my agent, David...
for packaging this show.
I wanna thank my girlfriend, Zoey...
for her patience and understanding during my hectic work schedule.
- [ Kiss ] - I love ya, princess.
- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. - Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
I'd also like to thank my best friend, kirk...
who was always there for me when I was doubting the show's premise.
Playing a spoiled rich kid from Brentwood.
I mean, how perfect is that for me.
It's awesome.
[ Pauly ] To our new sitcom.!
- [ Pauly ] Whoo.! - The last time I saw a steaming piece of shit that big...
I was standin' outside the elephant compound at the fuckin' zoo.
- Yeah.! - [ sighs ]
I can't believe the network didn't pull it after the first commercial break.
[ Gags ] I swear-- I swear I'm gonna puke. You got some Tums or something?
I only have a few minutes left. I'll meet you guys at the club.
We'll tell the doorman you're coming.
- Don't be late. - I won't.
I thought Pauly's show was funny.
Oh, yeah. It was, um-- It was hysterical.
- Yeah. - so, what's your name?
- Ashley. What's yours? - Tom.
You're that creepy guy from all those movies, huh?
- No. That's Michael Madsen. - Oh.
so, uh, how you gettin' home?
- My mom's picking me up. - Your mom.
- Hmm. How about I take you home? - Mm.
I don't know.
Come on. I'll huff...
and I'll puff...
- and I'll-- [ Kissing ] - Okay.
- God, that's lame. - Yeah, of course I want my usual table.
What the hell is wrong with you peop-- Just hold it a sec.
Pauly, I gotta tell ya, that is the funniest sitcom I have ever produced.
No, it'll run a decade. Ten years easy.
I'll call you in the morning when I find out what the ratings are.
Mitch. Mitch, wait.
I just wanna say thanks for everything.
Listen, Pauly, everything we've worked so hard at in the last eight years...
- is comin' together just as planned, buddy. - Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
stinky, bud-dy. I know.
stinky piece of shit, bud-dy.
Goin' down the toilet, bud-dy. The fuck that guy does.
I'll tell you what he does.
He exists. He lives.
He could be incinerated by the heat from a thousand suns--
it would be too good.
The second somebody put a fuckin' microphone in his hand, and they said...
''Hey, it's okay to talk,'' that's when the fuckin' trouble began.
If my mommy owned a comedy club, I'd be on fuckin' top, too, motherfucker.
- [ Pauly ] Trevorina,you're the architect to the stars, right? - [ Woman ] Absolutely.
How long do these sitcoms keep you workin' for?
What is it-- five, years?
- [ Phone Ringing ] - How many episodes did the network order?
- six. - [ Phone Continues Ringing ]
Wait. What are you doing? Give me back my pen.
- six episodes? -Just to start with. They're gonna order more episodes.
- It's your manager. - Hey. Hey, Mitch.
Pauly, you are not gonna believe this.
- Are you sittin' down? - Yeah.
- It was the lowest-rated show in Fox history. - What?
Yeah. It didn't even break the top .
What about people in the middle of the country?
I don't know. They're pinheads. I guess they're watchin' Springer reruns.
That's okay, that's okay. 'Cause it's the pilot episode.
It took seinfeld a year to catch on.
Pauly, uh, brace yourself. Are you braced?
- Yeah, I'm braced. - They canceled your sitcom.
''Canceled''?
-Just like that? - Hey, come on. Did you read the reviews?
- You told me not to. - Entertainment Monthly gave it an ''F.''
They said, and I quote, ''sucks worse than gravity.''
So they're not even gonna air episode two?
You've been preempted by When Animals Attack.
- I could be attacked by animals. - Hold it, Pauly.
I got another call. I gotta take it.
- Maybe it's the network. I'll hold. - As a matter of fact, it is.
- I got another show in the works with them. - starring who?
I don't know. It's my production deal.
How'd you get your own production deal?
Well, you know, by, uh, producing your show.
Look, Pauly, I'll tell you what.
This afternoon, I got some time, I'll call MTV.
I'll see if I can get you back on.
Look, that's the last thing I'm gonna do is go crawlin' back to MTV, okay?
- Gotta go. - Don't you hang up on me!
-[ Dial Tone ] -[ Pauly, Screaming ] Fuuuuck.!
[ David ] Listen, why don't we take a drive to Santa Barbara...
grab some lunch, clear the mind.
You might be a little shook up by the news of the sitcom.
David, it has nothing to do with the show, okay?
I just-- I just need to surround myself with a new team. That's all.
David?
I'm just a little choked-up.
- Pauly, are you sure you don't wanna rethink this? - I already have.
Okay, then. Good luck.
- Bye. - [ Phone Beeps ]
Hey, guys.
Pauly fired us.
He finally fired us!
Yeah! Yeah!
- [ All Cheering ] - Pauly fired us!
Yeah! Yeah!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Whoo! [ Laughing ]
[ screaming ]
Fuck! [ Groaning ]
Watch my head.
Oh, shit!
Yeah, well, fuck MTV!
You guys are the only reason why things are fucked up for me now anyways.
[ Groans ] I gotta go to VH .
[ Moans ]
[ Pauly Narrating ] So, with the failed sitcom and no representation...
I wound up where all the other out-of-work actors wind up in L.A.--
the Coffee Bean.
Or I like to call it-- the Unemployment Bean.
Or in my case, the ''Has-Bean. '"
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Zoey Chattering ]
[ Man ] Yes, sir. That's good too.
- I like this one. It shows your-- - Zoey?
Zoey.
Booger. What happened?
Forget what happened to me. What the hell's goin' on here?
A couple of days ago, I met sal Goldstein at the car wash...
and he's helping me pick out the right head shot.
I'm also testing for Playboy. Sal knows Hef.
I don't really know him. I have a friend who knows someone...
who's been up to the mansion a couple of times, and he met him once.
- Mm-hmm. - What's your friend's name?
sal. Nice to meet you. What's up, bud-dy?
[ Forced Chuckle ] Look, sweetie, let's just get outta here.
Not now. I'm in a business meeting.
- But I need you. - We'll see each other later.
I'm sorry.
Fuck!
Hey. Pau-- Pauly Shore.
- Pauly. - Fuck. What? What?
Um, I know-- This must bother you people.
I don't mean to bother you or anything, but--
I'm from Florida. I'm in a band called Limp Bizkit.
Yeah? Yeah, what?
I was just thinkin', I got a demo, and maybe--
What happened to your face, man?
so, what do you want me to do with your fuckin' demo? What?
If you like it, maybe listen to it and pass it on to the people at MTV.
Is that what you thought? What do I have, a fuckin' sign on my neck that says ''Loser.
I got nothin' goin' on. My time is yours.'' Huh?
- Well, I-- - In fact-- What's your name?
- Fred. - Fred, that's a really good name for a rock star.
What is it, fuckin' Fred Flintsone?
- Nah. Uh-- Limp Bizkit. - Limp Bizkit. Yeah, you guys are really gonna go far.
What does that mean-- shriveled-up dick?
Huh?
You know, man, you're a dick.
We're gonna blow up one of these days, bro...
and I ain't never puttin' you in a video!
Weasel-ass! Punk-ass!
Who the fuck-- Fuck you!
Fuckin' faggot.
- [ Crickets Chirping ] - [ Dog Howling ]
[ Man On TV] I believe he's upset.
Pauly is supposed to follow Married... with Children.
- It says so right here. - I know that, Bucky.
Then what's this submoronic crap?
[ Man On TV] I don't think he's happy.
Them goddamn Hollywood know-it-alls.
Them numb-nuts wouldn't know comic genius if it bit 'em in the ass.
When Animals Attack. Hell, who wants to watch that shit?
If I wanted to watch that, I'd throw a pork chop in the yard...
and watch the dogs go at it.
- Hell! - [ TVShuts Off]
This is my darkest hour of television viewing.
This is worse than when they replaced Bo and Luke.
I need to laugh! I need the Weasel!
[ Crying ] I need the Weasel, and I need him now.
We could watch Son in Law... again.
I want my Weasel, and I want him now!
- Hey! - [ Tires screeching ]
- [ sighs ]
Jesus Christ, Pauly! How many times do I have to tell you?
slow down around that fucking corner!
I'm sorry, man. I forgot you're my neighbor.
Hey, Vern, let me ask you a question.
Who takes a bigger shit, huh? You or your dog?
Depends on who's seen Bio-Dome last.
- [ Both Laughing ] - I got ya! I got ya!
[ Mock Groan, Grunting ]
- so, hey, how you been? - Good. Things couldn't be better.
Hey, you got the big opening comin'. Austin Powers.
shagadelic, baby! Oh, behave! Oh, behave!
Like I've never heard that before.
- Hey, so is Mike pretty cool? Mike Myers. - Yeah. He's an awesome guy.
- Yeah? He does a lot of movies? - shitload.
You think there's any parts in there for me?
Vern. Do you think there's any parts in his movies for me?
I'll talk to him. I'll see what I can do.
- [ Engine starts ] - Come on. Hook up a boy. I'm your neighbor, bro.
- I'll see what I can do. - Okay. sorry about the corner thing.
Don't worry about it.Just slow down around those corners, speed Racer.
- Later. - Come on, Butch.
so, how are you doing, Pauly?
I'm good.
Um, after reviewing your money accounts...
and realizing that you're not making as much as you used to...
I think it would be best if you immediately sold your house.
[ Hyperventilating ] Oh, God! I knew you were gonna say that.
I just knew it driving over here. I knew you were gonna say that.
Jesus, Pauly, why didn't you save your money?
- Why didn't you tell me to save my money? - Listen.
My job at this firm is to advise you in investments.
At the end of the day, it's your money and you spend it how you want.
And you have spent it like I have never seen before.
$ a month on ''young, shaved boys.''
- What? Huh? - Oh, I'm sorry.
I've got Elton John's stuff mixed in with yours.
But-- Yeah, here we go.
$ a month on swedish escorts.
At least I didn't spend as much money as Elton.
You don't need an accountant, Pauly.
What you need is help-- real help.
Now, I know of a sex rehab in Arizona...
that you oughta check yourself into.
I just got a six-month chip.
[ Woman Moaning In Sex ] Oh.! Oh, shit.!
[ Moaning]
- [ Continues Moaning ] - [ Phone Line Ringing ]
- [ Woman ] Hello? - Hey.
- What are you doin'? - What are you doin'?
- Watching you. - [ Moaning ]
- Tell me what I like. - [ sighs ] Not right now, Pauly.
- I'm doing my taxes. - But I need you.
- All right. - [ Video Continues ]
First, I'm gonna kiss all over your stomach.
- Then we'll do reverse cowgirl. Then I'm gonna suck your-- - [ Call Waiting Beeps ]
- W-Wait. Hello. - [ Elderly Woman ] What are you doin', Pauly?
Hey, Mom. I'm doin' my taxes.
You don't do your taxes. Come on over.
Just hold on.
- [ Video Continues ] - [ Gasps ] Quick. Quick, tell me what I like.
[ Mom ] Wimpy's hamburgers. Matzo and eggs.
- Apple pie and raisins. - Mom.
- Mom, please wait. - Pineapple and bananas.
[ Gasping ]
[ sighing ]
[ Mom ] Pauly. What's goin' on?
Aw, shit.
- Are you okay? - Mom, I'm fine.
I'm fine, okay?
I need you to come over. My head hurts.
- Fuck. I'll be over there in a sec. - 'Cause I got a headache.
- I'm coming! - Hurry up.
It's just kind of a momentum thing.
Whatever the momentum is, it's not going towards me. I don't have any momentum.
- Oranges! Oranges! Oranges! - Chiclets! Chiclets!
- It'll swing the other way. - Well, when's it gonna swing?
You just never know.
- You just gotta be ready for when it does swing. - Right.
- Chiclets! - Oranges.!
- Chiclets.! - Rico suave oranges!
- Maybe we can hook up after dinner at the store. - Oh, my God.
Orange-- Hey, b-b-baby. Come here.
Oranges.
- Rico? - Pauly! What's up, Weasel?
Hey, this is my son. This is Junior, man.
Chiclets! Chiclets! Chiclets!
- Chiclets! -Just like his daddy, bro! What's up, man?
Nothin', man. How you been? What have you been doin'?
- selling oranges. Buy some, man. - Chiclets! Chiclets!
I was at the supermarket. I just got a whole bunch of oranges.
- Hey, it was good seeing you. - Hey, wait, wait, wait.! Where you goin; bro?
Pauly, come on, man. Not in front of my son. Buy some oranges, bro.
- Chiclets! Chiclets! - I don't have any fuckin' money, bro.
- Chiclets! Chiclets! - I gotta get outta here.
- I gotta take care of my mom. - Where do you think you're goin; fool?
You know what, Pauly? Fuck you, Pauly!
Don't you fuckin'leave.! kiss my ass, man. You ain't goin'nowhere.
- I got shit to do. - [ Rico Shouting, Indistinct ]
Ow!
- [ screams ] -Jesus!
[ Pauly ] Asshole!
Who is Rico suave, fool? Who is Rico suave, homes? Me!
Motherfucker! Fuck him! say, ''Fuck you, Pauly!''
I used to fuckin' hook him up all the time. He can suck my ass.
Fuck him, man. Come on. Let's sell some oranges.
- [ Beeps ] - Hi, Pauly. It's your mom.
I really appreciate you rubbing my head.
I really feel much better.
- I love you, honey. Bye. - [ Beep ]
The only reason I ever laughed at your jokes was to get pussy.
''But I need you. But I need you.''
- Knock, knock. - Who's there?
- Pauly. - Pauly who?
- Exactly. - [ Both Laughing ]
Your minutes are up, Pauly. It's over.
- Pauly, you're so pathetic. - I want you dead.
- Freak. - [ Zoey ] Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
[ Overlapping Voices Echoing ] Not now, Pauly.
- I'm in a business meeting. - [ kirk ] I might kill you myself.
- Pauly, I'm in a business meeting. - [ Moaning ]
[ screaming, Gasping ]
[ Panting ]
[ Clears Throat ] I think-- I think I got everything.
Want another squeeze before I go?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- Want a crack too? - Mm-hmm.
- Here. Breathe in. - [ Inhales ]
- Breathe out. - [ Exhales ]
- [ sighs ] - [ spine Cracks ]
You're all loaded up, brother.
Thanks, man. Thanks.
- What the fuck is he still doin' here? Move. - [ stammering ]
-Jesus Christ! - Look--
- What the fuck happened to this place.! - We called.
- He was supposed to be out of here a week ago. - Well, he's not.
- What are you still doing here? - I was just gettin' ready to leave.
Well, not till you clean this shit up.
Hey, sweetie. How are you?
- Trevorina? - Oh, hi, Pauly.
When do we add the two new floors to the house?
- You're adding two new floors? - Yeah. Two whole new floors.
I've got a lot of trunks. Listen, sorry about the sitcom.
I just got myself one. Twenty-two on the air.
- Congratulations. - Yeah, .
Actually, Mitch is the one to congratulate.
He's my new manager, and he's the one that got me the part.
Why don't you run along to mommy's club, okay?
All right, guys, let's go. In fact, fuck Mitch!
He's the one that said this place was nice. It still fuckin' smells like Pauly.
Will you guys please give me space.
- I can't believe Carrot Top livin' in my house. - [ scoffing Laugh ]
I can't believe I'm movin' back home with my mom.
- We had some good times at your mom's. - Kirk, we were .
so, have you seen him?
- Kirk, have you seen him? - Nah.
- Well, why? - 'Cause I haven't seen him.
Well, when you gonna see him next?
Kirk, when are you gonna see him next?
Tomorrow. Tomorrow, we're gonna have a drink...
and that's when I'm gonna see him next.
When you see him, what are you gonna say to him?
Pauly shore's a good friend. Can he come in and read for a part in your movie?
- It'd be cool. Thanks. -Just like that?
You gotta come from the heart, bro. We're friends.
I will mention your name first thing tomorrow when I see him.
I mean, it'll be fine.
It was on la-last night, and I was-- I was just flippin' channels, you know?
And I-- And I remember seein' the ads for the newspaper...
when it was out in the theaters and all that stuff, but I still couldn't--
Then the title was over it-- I didn't see the end credits.
It was like... Viral Boom. You-You know, Baldwin's brother.
- Which Baldwin? - Well, there's, like, six or something of them...
but the one who's kind of--
- He has these eyes, they're kind of-- He's like-- - Yeah, that--
- He's the other guy in it. - That's the young one.
It's the other guy, with the brown--
He's got kind of brown, curly hair. He used to be on MTV.
He had the girls around him all the time, and, eh--
Eeehh! He went all-- He always made noises.
He made noises?
I can't remember his name. I have--
- I-I think Fisher Steven's available-- - There's a lot of guys available.
- He made me laugh. - I make you laugh.
Pauly Shore.! Step right up, meet Pauly Shore, former celebrity.
- [ Laughing ] - You remember him from MTV.
Encino Man, The Son in Law...
and all his many television appearances.
Pauly Shore. Now he works...
- parking cars in his mom's club. - Parking cars in his mom's club!
Pauly shore! Touch Pauly!
- Have a photo taken with Pauly. - Oh! I want a picture!
-Just one dollar. Pauly sho-- - I want a photo.!
- Here you are. - Look at this.
- Can I put my arm around you? - Yeah.
- [ Shutter Clicks ] - [ screams ]
- [ Laughing ] - [ Laughing ]
- Loved you in that goofy movie! - Yeah, it was great!
Come on, man. You always used to love that bit.
Yeah. But now it's true, man.
- It's no big deal. - Give me my fuckin' dollar back.
What's wrong with him?
[ Pauly ] So this is my loft. This is where I live. It's pretty cool.
- Wow. - Check this place out.
Is this phat or what? It's like my little love capsule in here.
It's where I make love.
Did anybody ever tell you...
you look just like Richard simmons?
How about you give me your, uh, Deal-A-Meal.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
[ Moaning, Kissing ]
- Uh-uh-uh-uh. - What?
- Not till I get my money. - Okay.
[ Chortling ]
- Eighty-three dollars? - Oh, wait.
Got an extra dollar tonight. Oh, yeah.
What do you expect me to do for $ ?
- Come here, and I'll show ya. - No.
- Where's your phone? - What-What's the problem?
The problem? The problem is, I get paid .
- Didn't Heidi tell you that? - Look, what's the big deal, man?
At least I'm not some old guy. Wait, wait, wait.! Look.!
soft. I'm soft. Come here, feel.
Come here. Feel. Look, feel my butt.
It's soft, right? see?
- Ooh, it is soft. - I told you. I'm like the Coppertone baby.
Ooh. [ Laughs ] Ooh, it is soft.
- Mmm! [ Yelps ] - [ Both Laughing ]
Now do the grim reaper reach-around. [ Moans ]
- The what? - The grim reaper reach-around.
- It's when you reach around. - Oh.
[ Moans ] Ah.!
Ow! What the hell?
You wanted to know what I do for $ .
I just did it.
Wait.! Wait.!
- All I wanted to do was cuddle. - You are pathetic!
[ Line Rings, Clicks ] Hi. You've reached Jewel Denyle's residence.
I am out dancing this weekend. If you'd like to see me feature, I'll be at Tropical ''Lai. '"
And, um, Pauly, if it's you calling...
- get a life. - [ Beep ]
- [ sighs ]
- [ sighs ]
Who's there? I said, ''Who's there?''
Uh! It's not Howdy-fuckin'-Doody.
- Kinison? - You got that right, you little bastard.
[ Laughing ] Ohhhhh!
What the hell are you doin' here?
I've been watching you, checking you out.
And as your guardian angel, I've come to the conclusion that you'd be better off...
if you had put a bullet through your fuckin' head!
Ohhhhh! Ohhhhh!
What are you saying, I should just kill myself?
Let me say this in a way you'll understand.
Take your life, bud-dy. You understand that, you fuck?
Why should I do that?
You'll go down as a genius who died before his time--like me or Belushi.
Which would you rather be, a dead genius or a living idiot?
You idiot! [ Laughing ]
- Dead genius. - Exactly. Plus, the party's great up here.
''Up here''? What do you mean, you're in heaven?
It's about who you know, brother.
- [ Wheezing Laugh ] - [ Pager Beeps ]
Aw, shit.
It's fuckin' Hendrix. He wants his Pokemon cards back.
Hey, I gotta go, Weasel. I'll talk to you later.
- see ya in hell-- heaven. Ohhhhh! - [ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Pauly Narrating ] Sam was right-- get out while I was still ahead...
end it all while the iron was still hot.
The Wiez is dead... and has been for a long time.
Now I must destroy him.
Unfortunately, there'll be one person in my life...
who'll be devastated with my loss.
[ Thinking ] ''Dear Mom, sorry it had to end this way...
''but I couldn't handle the pressures of Hollywood anymore.
''You did a great job raising me, and it's not your fault.
''I just want to go to a better place.
Please don't be sad. Love, Pauly.''
- [ Gunshot ] - [ Mom ] Pauly, keep it down.
I'm tryin'to get some fucking sleep.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with MTVNews.
Comic and actor Pauly shore, known to fans as the Weasel...
died in Los Angeles today of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
The news hit the entertainment world like a big, tragic hurricane.
He was amazing, you know?
He was amazing-- unlike any other comic.
Pauly was deep. He had, like, layer, layer, layer, layer.
And that's something I always look for, as an artist.
I look for another artist that's got layers to them.
And Pauly was, you know-- He was bundled in layers.
Pauly was the first person to bring me to the beach.
I never would've got Baywatch if it wasn't for Pauly.
You know, he taught me how to mouth-to-mouth resuscitate people...
and, um, use defibrillators, things like that.
He did have good weed though. I gotta tell you that.
Pauly shore had fucking good weed.
I blazed with him a couple of times.
I smoked his whole sack up, and then I bounced with his girls and shit, but--
[ Laughing ]
At least he was good for somethin'.
Matt Pinfield has been sampling reactions to Pauly shore's suicide...
out in the American heartland-- not surprisingly, Pauly's biggest fan base.
Thanks, Kurt. I'm in Paducah, Kentucky, at the trailer park home of--
- What is your name, sir? - I'm Bucky McChristian.
- [ Dogs Barking Outside ] - [ Voice Quavering ] I'm Pauly's number-one f-an.
How did the death of Pauly shore affect you and your family today?
[ sniffling ] It's hard to put into words, Matt.
Uh--
Laughter is the music of the heart.
And once that joy's been taken away, you're nothin' but an empty shell.
That's how I feel.
If you could pick one Pauly shore movie to be your favorite...
- what would that one be? - Man, that's hard.
[ All ] Son in Law.!
[ Blabbering ] Son in--Son in Law.!
That's the news for now. stay tuned for more at to the hour...
every hour, here on MTV.
- [ Man ] Cut.! -Jesus! What a big deal they're makin' outta this.
- Do you believe it? - The man was an icon.
Yeah, well, maybe we should all shoot ourselves.
I can't believe he's not here anymore.
Yeah, I understand, Mrs. shore.
Nobody understands the pain a parent goes through when they lose a child.
I tell you what we're gonna do. We will put you in touch with Dr. kirby...
who is our after-care program specialist--
- [ Continues, Indistinct ] - Don't play it with me, honey. Don't cry it for me.
You raised the kid around a bunch of drunk comics...
and now you're shocked he took his fuckin' life?
save it, lady. save it for the fuckin' room upstairs, not on the fuckin' big stage.
You know what I mean, lady?
[ Child Bawling ]
It's Pauly, isn't it?
Excuse me. You guys gonna be putting long, or what?
- I mean-- - Come on. Can't you see the kid is obviously crying?
Don't be so insensitive.
Hi, honey. What's wrong?
My son's not taking Pauly shore's death too well.
Your son's crying about that loser? [ scoffs ]
Man, me and my friends had a party the night that guy died.
What a fake bullshit that was. All that-- ''Hey, buddy.'' [ Chittering ]
- That Weasel shit. That shit sucks, man. - [ Bawling ]
When they see Jury Duty-- You saw it. That was a fuckin' piece of shit.
I mean,Jesus Christ, give me a break.
- Take it back, pal. - Take what back?
- Take it back, pal.! - Take what back, old man?
Why don't you take you and your little cryin'-ass kid to the next hole...
so me and my girl can play some golf up in this motherfucker, right?
Come on, man. Let's play. Let's play some golf.
- 'Cause I'm the Weasel! - [ Crowd Cheering, Hooting ]
- [ Chattering ] - [ Emcee ] Not bad, not bad.
Way to go, suzie.
I got her a little bit of the moisture.
All right now. Contestant number two is a roofer from Corona.
That's right, brother.
- stu. stu Blowser. - [ Chattering ]
stu wants everyone to know that he brought his lover here.
- No. My brother, dude. My brother. - I mean, his brother here.
- Is that him? - Do it for the family, bro! Come on! Eye of the tiger!
All right, stu, get goin' and do your thing.
This is a riot. Oh, God.
Hey, what's up? Check out those cu-- Hey! Oh, wha--
Oh, fuck! Fuckers! [ Groans ]
[ Disguising Voice ] It was nice meetin' you. Okay.
This is where I'm gonna stay if you need me.
Never seen me before. [ Idiotic Laugh ]
What? Listen, this is your fifth call.
The towels will be there. Quit calling!
- What can I do for you? - Hey, aren't you that--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What happened to your hair? - I lost it.
- What can I do for you? - I-I'm just lookin' for a room.
Obviously, dipshit. [ scoffing ]
[ Growls ] I'm sorry.
I've just been travelin' all day.
[ sighs ] Oh, man, I'm just a little parched.
- All right, how long you stayin' with us? - About a week.
Uh-huh. Thirty-nine dollars a day.
- By the looks of you, I want you to pay me now. - [ Yammering ]
All right, here you go. [ Yammering ]
- [ Flipping Bills ] - [ scoffing ]
Oh, -- $ .
- I've got an extra dollar. Here, here. - Eighty-- Eighty-four dollars?
- What do you expect me to do for $ ? - [ Muttering ] Rub my ass.
- Excuse me? - Uh, sassafras.
[ sniffing ] sassafras. Mmm!
It's a nice fragrance you have here, Kato.
[ singsong ] Here we go now. I'm goin' to my room now.
Kato is bald. [ Giggling ]
so you were all Pauly's girlfriends?
I was. I don't know about these bimbos.
- [ Audience Gasps ] - shut up, you stupid bitch!
- [ Crowd Hoots ] - Oh, God.
You know what, when he was bangin' you whores...
he was thinkin' of me the whole time, bitches.
- [ shouting, Indistinct ] - Are you fuckin' hearing this shit?
I don't think so! see these boobies?
- Pauly bought 'em for me. - [ Hooting ]
- You know what? Pauly bought me mine also. - Oh, I don't think so!
[ TV.. Jerry springer show ]
- Pauly got me pregnant. - [ Audience Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
- [ Women Yelling ] - [ Chanting ] Pauly! Pauly! Pauly!
- [ Woman screaming ] - [ Woman ] stupid bitch!
- [ sobbing ]
He was a genius who died before his time.
Pauly was a comic genius.
News hit the entertainment world like a big, tragic hurricane.
- He was amazing.
[ sobbing ]
- I've always been a Weasel believer.
[ Yammering ]
I did it! Hoo-hoo! I did it!
[ Laughing ]
They'll freak out.
Paulywood! What's up, bitch?
- Goddamn. - [ People Laughing ] - [ Chattering ]
[ Yelling, shouting, Indistinct ]
Oh, shit.
What's the holdup? Come on. We don't have all day.
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
Look who it is.! Tom Sizemore.!
No, you idiot. It's Michael Madsen.
- What's the difference? - six inches.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, wait.! Where you goin'? You got the wrong girl.
- What's the difference? - ?? [ Ends ]
[ Pauly Narrating ] Can you believe I pulled this shit off?.
Things turned out way better than I expected.
News anchors calling me a comic genius?
Hot bitches fighting over me on springer.
Dr. Dre tellin'everyone he partied with me, bro. [ Laughing ]
I'm king.!
Everyone's gonna want me back...
especially my dumb-ass girlfriend, Zoey.
She was fuckin'the Spanish dude from saved by the Bell.
Spatula.
And Carrot Top movin'into my house?
I can't wait to beat your ass at celebrity boxin;
- [ Monkey-Howling ] - See ya in the ring, clown boy.
But the main thing is is that my plan worked.
My plan really worked. [ Laughing ]
Pauly Shore-- best actor of Tinseltown.
[ Laughing ] See ya at the Academy, Rock.
'Cause you're a loser.! [ Yammering ]
[ snickering ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Murmuring ] Oh, holy shit.
- so, why'd you do it? - Huh?
- I know it's you. - Wh-What?
I know it's you, Pauly.
- You do? - Yeah, I do. so, why'd you do it?
Look, you wouldn't understand, okay? You're just a kid.
- Really? Try me. - You don't know what it's like out there in the real world.
You're probably right, but what gives you the right to mess with people the way you did?
And what does that have to do with me understanding?
Look, I just wanted to be appreciated a little. That's all, okay?
And you think people are gonna appreciate you now?
Well, yeah, look. I'd say so, huh?
I'm on the cover of all these magazines. I'd say I'm pretty much appreciated.
Not when they find out that you're still alive.
- And how are they gonna do that? - I'm gonna tell them.
- No, you're not. - Watch me. Hey!
Hey, get the fuck off me, bitch!
You think people hated you before? They're really gonna hate you now.!
- [ Yammering ] shit! - Pauly's still alive!
- Get back! - That fuckin'jerk is alive!
You son of a bitch! Pauly shore! He's here!
Yeah, this is-- Get me, uh--
- Give me the fuckin'phone.! - Pauly shore, he's--
- He's at the Charles Motel on White Oak and Ventura Boulevard. - Oh, shit!
Get the fuck back!
- Get off my counter! - Damn it! [ Moans ]
[ Both Yelling, Grunting ]
Oh! You-- Come here! shit!
Come back here! Come back, you little bitch!
You're over with, man! shitty actor!
Whoo-hoo! I'm gettin' paid!
Look at you. Quick. Get in. Get in.
Will you please tell me what the fuck is goin' on!
I'll tell you after you take me to my mom's house.
- Pack my shit up. - No. You tell me now.
Kirk! Get me to my mom's house and get me there now!
Okay? I'll explain everything later. I promise, okay?
Fuck.! The cops are here.! The fuckin'cops are here.!
- What the fuck you laughin' at? - What are you thinkin'?
I don't know what I'm thinkin'! I'm all fucked up! Things are all fucked up now!
- That's Room . Go check it out. - All right.
[ Both Whispering, Indistinct ]
- Hey, how ya doin'? Was that a little loud? - Hi.
I know this is gonna sound really weird and strange...
but, um, is Pauly shore here?
- Pauly who? - shore.
The guy from Bio-Dome? The funny-- The Weasel guy? He's dead.
No. I'm-- I'm all by myself here.
- I'm just, uh-- - Okay.
Actually, I'm here for a-a funeral.
- Oh. - My mom, she-- she died the other day.
kinda got in a bus accident.
-sorry to hear that. If anything comes up, give us a call. -Oh, definitely. Yeah.
- [ Mouthing Words ] - Yeah. Okay.
- sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Thanks. - Nice meeting you.
- Have a good night. - Good-bye. see ya.
- [ Packing ] - Did you see that, Pauly? I was there for you.
- Yeah. It was a close call. - Maybe you can put down the gun...
seein' that I'm for the team.
That was good. You did a goodjob.
Just keep on packin'. [ sighs ]
six-Adam- . I need a backup here now!
Hey, Kirk, did you get me that audition?
[ Exhales ] No. He-He cast it. He thought you were dead.
Really? Who'd he get?
Hey, Kirk! Who did he get?
Carrot Top. He went with Carrot Top.
You know what? That's fine.
'Cause I never wanted to be in a fuckin' sean Penn movie anyways!
- ?? [ Program Theme ] - We have late-breaking news.
Actor-comedian Pauly shore is not dead.
I repeat. Actor-comedian Pauly shore is not dead.
We now go live to a motel deep in the Valley where Tricia Miata is standing by...
with the manager of the motel-- Kato Kaelin.
- I knew it was him. - so you're saying Pauly shore is in one of your rooms right now.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying. - Who's Pauly shore?
- He's alive! - Yes, he is! [ Grunting ]
- No, dipshit. Pauly. - [ Whimpering ]
- Yeah, he's alive! The fuck, he faked the whole thing.
He's sicker than before! More fucked up than me!
What? Aw, fuck, no! He'll be bigger than Downey. Bigger than Downey!
- Who's Pauly shore? - [ Reporter On TV, Indistinct ]
Oh, yeah. He was on MTV before I was born. Right.
- [ Police shouting, Indistinct ]
[ All Continue shouting ]
- [ Continue shouting ]
[ screaming ]
I surrender!
[ Flashbulbs Popping ]
- [ Yammering ] - All right. so, you're beating me -to- .
- I-I'm gonna make it this time. - [ Laughs ] Oh, Bucky.
[ Deejay ] Hold the phone, folks.
[ shouting, Indistinct ]
strange news out of Hollywood. Now they're tellin' us that Pauly shore is alive.
- shh! shh! - They're sayin'he faked his death.
Some kind of sick joke. I don't know what the heck he was thinkin;
- Pauly's not dead. - Our ''Wiezing theJuice'"memorial service has been canceled.
- Is this a joke? - Do me a favor. If you see him, kick his ass for me.
- Weasel done messed with the wrong inbreeders now, man. - Now back to more music.
- You mean, in-breeder! - shut up and go to your room!
- [ Laughing ] - Daddy. I'm in my room.
[ Woman, Children Laughing ]
shut up! What's everybody, a fuckin' comedian?
- Get me a beer. - Fine.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder with MTVNews.
MTV executives want to apologize to viewers...
for airing hours of Pauly shore.
To make it up to you, we're gonna have Metallica go out and play in all of your backyards.
We go now to other entertainers to hear their reactions to this unconscionable scam.
I did a movie with him. I wish I hadn't done--
That was my last movie I did. Okay? That almost killed me.
Why? 'Cause he almost killed me on the set.
Every fucking day.
Before a take-- Right before a take, you know what he would do?
Right-- ''Action!'' He would reach over...
reach his hand down my pants and pop two fingers up my asshole.
What kind of sick shit is that!
But I didn't really ''know him'' know him.
But he always had the nerve to ask me for shit all over the place.
It just-- I felt like smackin' him around a couple of times, but he's a little guy.
Pauly stole everybody's act.
He-He would steal the girls. He'd steal the guys.
You should've seen what he did to my goat, man.
For me, Pauly was, like, a funny guy and whatever.
And he had his fans and-and, you know--
And then it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for him.
He wanted more fans. He wanted bigger and-- And that's sad.
And now the whole country's supposed to fuckin' take it back?
No, Pauly. Fuck you! stay dead!
That's the news for now. stay tuned for more at to the hour here on MTV.
[ Man ] Cut.!
You know, that was actually a genius move.
- I think that was kind of rude. - Whatever.
I'm lookin' at his numbers right now.
Pauly's appearance on Court TV rated times higher than his sitcom.
He was right. People do wanna see him as a victim.
That's what he always told me. I should've listened to him.
Oh, well. Oops. Next.
[ Gunshots ]
[ Metal Door Slams ]
Pauly! No way! No way, dude!
- Tommy? - How are you, man?
- Hey, what's up? - It's good to see you. Welcome. You're one of us now.
I knew you'd be here eventually, man.
Don't worry. Everything's gonna be cool, bro.
It's gonna be the best thing that ever happened to you.
- Dude, I found Jesus in here. - You did?
- Yeah. - Well, where is he?
- [ Lilting ] I'm right here, Pauly. - Aw!
Dude, look, we made a tape.
Tommy and Jesus. Check it out later.
Great. I'll look at it. Well, it's good seein' ya.
- Bye, bro. Take it easy, man. - Okay, later.
Heidi! Heidi, this is the guy!
- The guy-- The guy that looks like Richard Simmons. - No.
- The guy that paid me $ you fuck! - Eighty-four.
- Hey, Heidi. - Long time no see, Pauly.
That's why your career got all fucked up.
- You're always cutting corners, you cheap-ass Jew. - I was gonna pay you back.
Pauly, $ ! I'm already low-balling you, you fucker!
- Get me to my cell. - [ Demonic Growl ]
- Get me to my cell! - [ shouting, Indistinct ]
Jesus.! Who's gonna be next, Todd Bridges?
Oh, great. I get the white comedian devil.
Step on in. Take the top bunk.
I don't want the devil underneath me.
- Yeah, you bastard. Fuck you. - [ Metal Door Slams ]
You shouldn't have betrayed me, Weasel.
Bang!
Listen, son, one of these days, you'll understand.
When somebody takes your manhood...
you go take it back.
Bucky, wait a minute now. No, don't do this.
And you shut your mouth.
You know better than to mess with a man's business.
All right then. Well, you do what you have to.
You go out there and-- [ Coughs ]
- You shoot that Weasel right between the eyes! - [ Laughs ]
[ Men Chattering ]
Oh, look, it's Pauly. Can he sit with us?
- Can he? Can he? Can he sit with us, please? - Of course he can.
Pauly. Pauly, come andjoin us. [ Whimpers ]
- Hi. - Hi. My name is Lawrence.
And this is my friend, Pepe.
And, of course, we know who you are, you little Weasel.
[ Yammering, smacks Lips ] Mmm!
- I loved Encino Man. - It was so cute.
Any movie that buries an animal in a hole and then digs it out...
makes me so happy.
Pepe's my ''Encino man.''
Relax.
What's Brendan Fraser like?
- I loved him in Tarzan. - That was George of theJungle.
- He was swinging from a vine. - [ Laughter ]
Oh, please. He'll be back. Mm-hmm.
[ Prison-yard Chatter ]
[ sighs ] Pauly, tell them something they've seen you in.
I was in a Kid 'N Play movie.
House Party or ?
- It was called Class Act. - Class Act.
I seen that. Which one were you?
I was the guy in the third act. Remember, at the antidrug rally?
I was pop-lockin' on the main stage.
I was tearin' it up. I was doin' this shit. [ Yammering ]
- No, shit? That was you? - Oh, yeah!
- That was you? That was you, my nigga? - Yeah.
- Hell, man. - All right. Am I down now?
Yeah, you down with us. You can roll with us, my nigga.
All right, okay. I'm your nigger.
- What the fuck you call me, man? - Nigger.
- What the fuck you say to me? - I just said what you said to me.
You better take that ''er'' off the end of that shit!
That sound like that slave shit! It's ''nigga,'' nigga!
- ''Nigga''? - Nigga!
[ All shouting ] Nigga! Nigga!
- All right. - That shit's a-ight! That fo-sho! What's whackin'?
- Nigga! - Yeah.! Yeah.!
- Yeah! Yeah! - [ All shouting, Indistinct ]
- All right. - Come on, nigga. Come up here and fuck with us.
All right. see, I'm down now. My shit's tight. That's fo-sho!
so tell me about some of them fine-ass, white Hollywood ho's you be doin' the movies with.
You were one of the best movies of all time, loco.
Happy Gilmore was la bomba, bro! [ Laughing ]
I wasn't in Happy Gilmore. That was Adam sandler.
Oh. Which movies was you in?
I was in Jury Duty.
- That's the one with the little Chihuahua? - Mm-hmm.
[ scoffing ] That movie sucked, bro.
Adam sandler, he's the bomb. Ha!
?? [ Comedic ]
- ?? [ Humming ] - All right, all right.
- shit. shut up already. - You remember that song?
I remember the fuckin' song. You don't have to fuckin' sing it.
- I thought you were Adam sandler, man. - I'm not fuckin' Adam sandler.
?? [ Comedic ]
[ Audience Cheering ]
Welcome back to T.R.L. It's Carson. We're gonna move to the countdown in a second.
But first, on the phone, the newly incarcerated Pauly shore. Pauly?
Yo,yo,yo, Carson.! What's up? What's up,yo?
- You're lame. Everybody here's booing you. - Are you serious?
- I went to your funeral. - Okay, well, I'm alive, bro. Aren't you happy about that?
Hold on, Pauly. Everybody was bawling. It was serious.
- That's not cool at all, dude. - I didn't think it was gonna be such a big deal.
What do you mean it's not a big deal? You faked your death.
- so? - I don't have time for this.
We have a new band I'm gonna play you right now.
- They're called Limp Bizkit. We just got-- - Wow. Limp Bizkit.
That's my boy Fred from Limp Bizkit.
- You know Fred from Limp Bizkit? - Uh, yeah.
Yeah, right. We have Fred Durst, the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, on the phone.
- No. Don't put him on. - [ Fred On Phone ] I'm here.
- What's up, dude? - Hey, what's happenin'?
- Welcome to the show, Fred. - Pauly, shut up. We're talkin' to Pauly shore.
You're talkin'to Pauly Shore? Pauly, can you hear me?
- Yo, what's up? - Dude, you're a fuckin' punk!
You are a piece of crap, man.!
I gave you a C.D. to give to Carson. You fuckin' smashed it!
When I see you, I'm gonna smash your fuckin' head!
- [ Pauly, Fred Shouting, Indistinct ] - I don't have time for this.
- You're a punk, bitch! - Fuck you, man!
- Your band sucks, dude, and you suck. - Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
- Fred, he's not-- - I'm gonna smack you right in your fuckin' head!
- 'Cause you're a loser. - He's not worth our time.
I wanna talk about your band. Congratulations on all the new-found success.
- Thanks, man. - [ Raspberry ]
shut up, Pauly. Here's brand-new Limp Bizkit. Check it out, by request.
- Fuckin' punk. - [ Audience Cheering ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Aerosol Can Spraying ]
- Okay, Pauly. Geez, man. - I don't want it to fucking smell up.
- Yeah, why don't you kill me with that too? - All right.
- stinky bastard. - What are you reading there?
- I'm reading the koran, man. - [ scoffs ]
You gotta make that change, man.
Pauly, nobody wants to see that old Weasel stuff. [ Chittering ]
It's all old, man, and played out.
Robin Williams used to be on Mork and Mindy going na-na-na, and he got an Oscar.
Tom Hanks used to be on Bosom Buddies...
wearing a dress with lipstick, and he got two back-to-back Oscars.
I can't believe I'm sitting in jail taking career advice from Todd Bridges.
- Oh, and your career's better? - Yeah.
- Really? - Uh-huh.
When I get out of here, I got two TV shows lined up.
- You do? - Yep.
Is there any parts in there for me?
Hey, Todd, is there any parts in your TV shows for me?
No, Pauly. There are no parts for you, man. sorry.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
You know,just because you're in here, don't be taking it out on me.
I'm sorry, man. I just can't believe I'm in jail, that's all.
- Well,you better start believing. - What do you do in here?
You think about why you got in here in the first place.
I mean, how did you fake your death?
Oh. It was easy.
[ Pauly Narrating ] Yeah. It was all pretty easy.
I told the L.A. coroner's office that I was researching for a role in a movie...
on how to play a dead guy.
I then snuck into his office and stole the keys to the building.
I searched in the obituary section for my perfect match.
There it was. David Levenson.
' '; brown hair, brown eyes.
I bought a gun, sex mags and booze.
Then I scored some pills from Corey Feldman.
So that night I stole the body...
- dragged him up the stairs to my loft... - [ Grunts ]
and dressed him to look exactly like me.
- And, kaboom-- - [ Gunshot ]
the party was over.
Oh,yeah. Then I changed my identity. Meet my alias, Ben.
Hi. How are ya? Hi. My name is Ben.
[ Maniacal Laughter]
- [ Chuckles ] - Why would you shoot the guy in the face, man?
- The guy was already dead. - You are sick.
And you're my nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga!
[ Howls ] sha-gu, sha-gu, sha-gu.
Sha-gu. What's up, bitch?
- What's wrong, Willis? - You just don't get it, do you?
That's not it, Pauly. You got two choices here.
Either you're going to learn from your time in jail or not.
I mean, it's your decision, man.
so what's it gonna be, Pauly? You gonna change your past or not?
''Nigga, nigga, nigga.''
Jump him.Jump him. Move it right there.
sam Rubin here with the expose that has stunned...
- all of Tinseltown. - You're on TV, man.
The fact that a performer who is as lowbrow and sophomoric as Pauly shore...
tried to fake the public sympathies by, well...
faking his own death, is, frankly, disgusting.
This, friends, is a new low in the annals of Hollywood Babylon...
and believe you me, that is pretty low.
As I've stated time and time again, Pauly Shore is a lowbrow buffoon.
- [ Inmate ] Look at that shit, man. - This is Quinn Connor...
from Dickinson, North Dakota, and I wanna send this out to Pauly.
I hope some dumb-ass convict makes you his bitch, Pauly! Whoo!
- [ Switching Channels ] - So Pauly gave each one of you...
- a sexually transmitted disease? - [ TVAudience Moans ]
- Yes. - Not only did he give me a yeast infection...
but I also have allergies...
which I did not have before I slept with Pauly.
Thanks a lot,jerk!
[ Springer ] What a bastard.
Pauly, if you're watching me right now...
enjoy jail, bud-dy.
[ Yelling ]
shut up!
- Jesus. - I just don't want to see anybody get hurt.
Let me call you back, baby.
- Ah. Cold. - Hey, man.
Hey.! Hey.!
- You gotta pay for that. - I'm sorry.
- How's this? - Oh! Come on, dude! Man!
-Jesus, man. Come on! -Just call the cops.
- What do you mean call the cops, man? - Calm down.
If I call the cops, they're gonna come get you. Take the money.
- I don't care, man. - Be cool. Be cool, all right?
- You-You've never been robbed before, have you? -Just put that gun down.
Call ''el copes.'' ''El telephone.''
.
Goddamn Californians.
The cops-- [ stammering ]
I'll be outside.
- [ Clerk ] Lock that hick up.! - Anything you say...
can and will be used against you in a court of law.
- I know, Barney. I know, Andy. Let's roll. - Get in.
[ Flashbulbs Popping ]
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Deputy! suicide!
- Deputy, suicide! - Number . Open .
You trippin', Pauly. What's wrong with you, man? Get this dude out of here.
He's goin' crazy. Tryin' to kill himself in my cell.
Why you put him in my cell? Get him out ofhere, man.
[ Pauly Screaming ] No.! No, please, no.!
Help.! No, I can't go.! [ Screams ]
I don't wanna go! [ Continues screaming ]
No! Ow! Assholes!
Pauly, it's Adam Sandler. You know, the guy that keeps you up all night.
The guy that makes mil a movie when you can't get one made.
- Woo-hoo.! - You know what? Fuck you, sandler.
- Fuck you! How 'bout that? - [ Mocking ] ''Fuck you, Sandler.
Fuck you. '" Aw, horseshit.!
You know, I don't get it. What's the difference between me and you, bro?
Exactly. What is the difference? There is no difference,you dumb ass.!
When I get out of here, I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
Well, I'll be waiting, Pauly.
Butjust remember, it's Billy Madison, not Buddy Madison.
It'sThe Wedding singer, not The Weasel singer.
You'll always be the Weasel. You'll always be the Weasel.
- [ Fake Crying ] - [ Crying ]
[ Chuckles ] Jesus Christ.
What the fuck happened to you?
You tell me what happened to me, okay? This is your fault.
You're the one who told me to kill myself.
Yeah, you know what? You're right. I said kill yourself.
Not fake your death, you fucking moron.
God, look at you. I was just kidding. [ Laughs ]
- I didn't think you'd do it. - so now what am I supposed to do?
You tell me. Do you wanna live, or do you wanna die?
- I don't know. - Come on. I don't have all fucking day.
Let's go, you little bastard! Oh-Ohh!
- [ Crying ] I wanna live. - I can't hear you.
I said I wanna live, sam, okay? I wanna fuckin' live, all right?
- As Pauly or as the Weasel? - As the Weasel.
No,you dumbshit. As Pauly.
But everybody knows me as the Weasel.
Who gives a fuck what everybody knows you as? That's their problem.
You gotta start showing people the guy that your friends and your family know.
The guy that used to cook me burgers at the Comedy store in Westwood. That guy.
The Weasel's just a defense mechanism to keep the whole world at arm's length.
- Like your scream? - Yeah. Like my scream.
But enough about me. Listen, this is what you gotta do.
starting tomorrow, you're going to learn how to act.
[ Chuckles ] You're joking?
You're gonna be one of the best actors that Hollywood's ever seen.
[ sniffling ] What?
Look, you've seen the dark side. You've felt the pain.
Welcome to the real world. I already talked to all your friends.
They're gonna help you. Todd, Lawrence, Pepe-- all of'em.
-[ Beeping ] - Oop. Wait a second.
Aw, shit, it's Marilyn. she wants her dildo back.
[ Laughing ] I'll always be watching out for you, Pauly.
I'll always be looking out for you. Take care.
- [ Door Bangs Shut ] - [ Crying ]
Okay.
[ Indistinct ]
shakespeare. shakespeare. [ Indistinct ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
This way, Pauly. ?? [ Vocalizing ]
Come on. You can do it. You can do it.
Come on, man!
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
No, no, no. ''O Hamlet, our dear brother's death''!
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
- Make it stop! - [ Continues ]
Like this.
step out.
- Oh, God. Not that. Up here. - Okay. Okay. Okay.
?? [ Vocalizing ]
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
I mean, it's getting better, right? Yeah, okay.
''We should know the way.''
Oh, I can't believe it! Bravo!
There you go. Now you're getting it, man.
There you go now.
[ Inmate ] There you go.
[ In spanish ]
[ Clears Throat ]
Thank you. Thank you, guys.
[ Cheering ]
[ Thinking ] I can't believe I did it. I'm back on top once again.
Only this time, it's within.
You know it's weird how sometimes a bad thing in life...
can actually turn out to be a good thing.
All the world's a stage and men and women are merely players.
And one man in his time plays many parts.
At first, the infant. Then the whining schoolboy.
- Then the lover. - I'm gonna kill you, Weasel!
[ screams ] shit! Fuck!
I drove all the way from Kentucky for this moment.
- What's your name? - Bucky.
- Bucky? - I'm your number one fan, man! Or I-- Or I was.
What do you want? An autograph? A head shot? What?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. An autograph would be real nice.
- I'll have it written in your blood. - [ Whimpering ]
I have watched Son in Law times.
Watched all your MTV specials.
Hell, I even sat through Phantom of the Mall.
- You did? - And I liked it.
[ Whimpers ] Well, if you like me so much, why are you trying to kill me?
'Cause you humiliated me, man.
- You fucked with me. - [ Quietly ] I'm sorry.
When I heard that you was dead...
it's like my whole world had been torn away from me.
But then I find out it's all a joke. All a big, funny, fuckin' ha-ha.
Well, I didn't find it too funny. What's all this shakespeare shit you was doing?
You ain't an actor. You're the Weasel.
They weren't going to do Encino Man .
No studio was going to finance son in Law: The sequel.
What are you saying to me?
You-You tellin' me the Weasel wasn't real?
It's all just a big money-makin' scheme to some corporation.
It's just like Ronald McDonald.
You mean Ronald McDonald ain't really a clown?
- No. - Well, I'm gonna have to kill that motherfucker too.
[ screams ]
The Wiez couldn't keep the ratings up on the Fox show.
That's because you weren't the Wiez!
You was some spoiled rich kid from Brentwood, and that shit ain't funny!
- Hell, I even know that. - Please, don't kill me! Please!
[ Crying ] Please, don't kill me.
I'm just-- I'm just Pauly.!
[ Panting ]
It's okay. It's okay.
- I could never hurt you, man. - [ Breathing Heavily ]
Ronald McDonald's another fucking story.
I'll just have to watch Son in Law... again.
Hey, Bucky...
thanks for caring.
And thanks for being my number one fan.
Make the noise. Just one more time, please.
I wanna act. Okay?
Oh, one more thing.
No wiezin' the ju-uice.
- What movie's that from? - Encino Man.
- say hi toJudge Ito. - [ Chuckles ] Jury Duty.
- Ca-razy, boys. - In the Army Now.
- stub and Doyle! stub and Doyle! - Bio-Dome.! Bio-Dome.!
- Inbreeders. - [ Whoops ] Son in Law.!
- Son in Law. - [ Whoops ]
- [ Chittering ] - [ Chittering ]
You did that just for me.
[ softly ] Thank you.
I feel like the last person that ever heard Elvis sing.
[ Distant Gunshots ]
- Well, I think I got everything. - Yep.
Richard Gere can have Tibet. Alanis can have India.
But guys like you, me, Tommy and Downey...
we found ourselves right here in L.A. County, man.
- Right. I think Downey should try one of those foreign places. - Yeah.
I just wanna tell you, Todd, that I realized a lot of things here in jail.
Number one, the Weasel will always be part of me...
just like Willis will always be a part of you.
And number two, all the girls that I had sex with...
they didn't want to have sex with Paul Montgomery shore...
the littleJewish boy from Beverly Hills.
They wanted to fuck the Weasel.
Anyways, thanks for everything, man.
Yeah, but remember, that was your choice. Hey, next time you see sam...
you tell him to tell Redd Fox to come see me again, okay?
- Why? - Well, that's my guardian angel.
- Well, here. Then take him. - Hey. Thanks, Pauly.
- All right, bro. - All right. Take care, man.
- Take care. - Bye.
Always lockin' a brother up.
[ Pauly Narrating ] I also realized that Hollywood isn't such a bad place.
In fact, it's probably one of the most beautiful places in the whole world.
People come out here from all over the world to try and get into show business.
Notjust because they love to sing, dance, act or direct.
Everyone wants to be accepted.
In other words, we all just wanna be loved.
Ashley, come on. Goddamn it.
- What? - Pauly's getting out of prison. We're his ride.
- We gotta go. Let's go. - Oh, yeah.
Let's go. she's fuckin' retarded.
But she's pretty.
Pauly Shore is a free man. Hi, everybody, I'm Nancy O'Dell.
Hi, Nancy. Hi, folks. I'm Pat O'Brien, and let's get right to work...
with the story gripping Hollywood.
Actor-comedian Pauly shore is out of jail.
Oh, shit. Is that my nigga? Did he get out?
Yeah, that's him. That's him. Look at Pauly! That's Pauly shore!
- They let that nigga out of jail. - That's what I'm talking about.
Every network, every studio head wants a piece of Pauly.
But guess what? Access Hollywood's got him.
- That's my nigga right there. Fresh out without a doubt. - Look at him.
- Walking like a king. - You can't keep a real nigga down.
- You know what I'm saying? - Fuck Downey and his motherfuckin'ass.
- You son of a bitch. - That's what I'm talking about.
But was this a case of art imitating life...
or Pauly shore imitating some pretty bad art?
You see, shore was more popular dead than alive.
since his simulated suicide, it seems everybody wanted a piece of Pauly.
The question remains: Is shore a shrewd shyster or a genuine genius?
see, the thing about Pauly shore is he's a genius.
The guy was always one step ahead of Hollywood. I mean, look at Meet the Parents.
It's a blatant rip off of Son in Law.
The guy just never got his due, 'cause, uh, he was too good.
You know what I mean? Now everybody sees that.
Quit calling. What?
speech! speech! Come on. Go.
see what I did for you?
[ Indistinct ]
It was because you weren't the Wiez!
It's a-- I'd say it's a can't miss.
- Okay. You got it? - Yeah, man. I just wanna say thanks.
- Don't touch me. - No, that was great. I just wanna say thanks.
Don't touch me. Give me the pictures.
- The negatives in here? - They're in there.
Good. 'Cause if I see these things showing up anywhere, your ass is fuckin' grass.
- Okay. I just wanna say-- - Get off of me.
Oh, man. What's he get so mad about? That's the way the business is.
Last one there, and now...
I can start working on the sequel. [ Snickers ]
Hey. We're about to order, uh, fuck. Trevorina.
And, uh-- And-- Trevorina.
- And action, nigger. - [ Laughing ]
- I was trying to get you. - I remember something the late Robin Williams said.
- Pauly who? - Pauly shore needed to die.
I know a lot of people said that.
Thanksgiving, he didn't eat any of the turkey.
He had about ''E'' tablets up his asshole.
''Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!''
is what he said as he popped the last one in.
It's like-- It's like the snoop Dogg song.
It's like this and like that and like this, and, uh, you know.
I mean, that's what I think of when I think of Pauly.
I've been selling oranges, homes. [ Laughing ]
Dude, fuck rehab, bro. The only way to hit the-- I'm sorry.
- That's okay. - Dude, fuck rehab!
- The only way to the top is-- Oh! - [ screams ]
Cool man. Before we go, here's a demo of our band, staind.
- I stuttered. We'll do it again. - I thought this was a fuckin' Eminem interview.
Laurie, what you got me doing here?
[ Woman ] Drop the soap! We'll meet in the showers. I'll slit your throat, fucker.
stop. There's a lot of talking going on.
This is the ad-lib, or not the ad-lib--
This is when he says, uh, at the end of the killing-me scene...
says, uh, um-- What does he say?
- It's a wild track for the prison scene. - Right.
Hey, Pauly. Tom Sizemore.
Thanks for the-the sweet message.
I had an incredibly good time that day. You're a natural-born director.
You really are, and thanks for involving me. Okay?
And when it comes time to do press, if you need me to say some kind things...
don't hesitate to ask me to do anything to help your movie, okay?
- I mean that. - [ Beeps ]
[ Sam kinison ] We love you, Hollywood. Thank you for coming out tonight.!
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Together] Whoo-hoo! Yeah. Congratulations on the movie, Vern.
- Thanks. - Whoo-hoo! Cheers.
- Don't you think we should go get Pauly? - Fuck him.
There's not enough of you girls to go around.
- Yeah, we got you, Vern. - Yeah, baby.
Congratulations.
Knock it off with the pinky shit.
Where's Duke? Duke. Come here, Duke.
[ Woman ] Whoo-hoo.!