Voila! Finally, the Piranha
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the 1978 Joe Dante movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Piranha. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
(woman) It's got to lead somewhere.
Well, we'll stop and make camp
pretty soon. Got your breath?
Yeah. Let's go.
What is this?
It doesn't look like anyone's been here for
a while. Let's go inside and check it out.
- Think we should?
- Barbara, who'd know the difference?
OK.
Besides, a little lawbreaking'll
do you good.
(Barbara) Wonder why this place
wasn't on your map.
(man) Maybe it's
supposed to be a secret.
Maybe.
Hey!
Far out!
It feels great.
Come on, let's wash off, so it won't
be so funky in that sleeping bag.
What if somebody catches us?
Who's gonna catch us?
There's nobody here.
Let's get wet.
- Last one in is a rotten egg.
- That's really original.
- Wait a minute.
- What?
What if this is some kind
of a sewage treatment plant?
Idiot.
Now you're gonna get it.
How is it?
Here I come.
- That's not funny.
- What?
You bit me. I can't believe
you actually bit me.
What do I look like?
A creature from the black lagoon?
You are paranoid, kid. Listen,
I'll race you to the deep end.
Barbara! There's something in here!
David!
God damn!
David!
David?
David!
David! David!
(Barbara screams)
(screaming)
- Rent a Jeep?
- She'll be on unpaved mountain roads...
All right. Where do I sign?
We're all set. At lndian Springs you'll get
a Jeep. The roads are very rough there.
No sweat.
- I can handle it.
- I know.
I wouldn't send you if
I didn't think you could.
Wait. Got ya.
- I found the bigamist.
- Right.
- And the bad-cheque lady?
- Right.
- And Mo Schneider.
- Three times, but those were all in town.
You're a city kid.
These kids are out in the boon...
I can find anything, Earl.
I'm two-thirds bloodhound.
I told you that when you hired me.
Oh, my gosh. My ticket. I could
have sworn I put it in my pocket.
Where's my ticket?
- I can manage it.
- Of course you can.
- It's money in the bank.
- My money.
Hello, Brandy. How are you, huh?
This hike from town is
gettin' longer every week.
- You oughta get a car, Jack.
- I got a car.
It's up on blocks. That's where it belongs.
Scotch.
Gin.
Bourbon.
(laughs)
Tequila!
You're the th Cavalry, Jack.
You know, I just ran dry today.
Your corn meal is down there, but
I ain't gonna walk down and get it.
Man cannot live by booze alone.
In lieu of rent. What's up in town?
- Same as usual.
- I bet you miss it, Jack, huh?
I bet you miss sellin' whatever
it was. That plastic fruit.
No.
Got the river.
It wakes me up in the morning.
Gives me a bath.
Does the laundry.
Gives me my dinner.
Puts me to sleep real gentle.
I got my river.
I got Brandy.
Paul.
What have you got up here?
I got scotch, gin, bourbon, and tequila.
- What's it to you, anyhow?
- OK.
OK, buddy. I'll see you.
Come on.
Take it easy, Brandy.
Ow!
Hm.
(knock at door)
It's open.
Paul Grogan?
Hi. I'm Maggie McKeown.
I work for a skip-tracing company.
- What's that?
- We find missing people.
Did my ex-wife send you?
No.
um...
I'm looking for a pair of teenage kids.
Some friends said they might
be backpacking up here.
I haven't seen 'em. Did you
talk to the sheriff's people?
- They said it was a big mountain.
- They're right. It is.
I figured they may have followed the river.
Are there any places to swim near here?
Well, if they'd drowned,
they'd be swept down to the dam.
So you're startin' at the wrong end.
Boy, you're the wrong end all right.
Look, am I interrupting something?
This is kind of important.
Hey,
you cool your jets, lady.
I didn't axe-murder your young couple.
I can't help you. I haven't seen 'em.
Are there any other shacks up here?
Cabins. This is a cabin.
Are there any more of them? Any places
where they might be holed up?
There's an old fella named Jack,
has a place down the river a bit,
but he's not with them.
And there was some kind of army
test site way up the mountain.
- That closed down five or six years ago.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Go where?
- You're taking me up there.
Oh, no, I'm not.
You think I'm wasting my time, don't you?
No. I think you're wastin' mytime.
- Find anything yet?
- Not yet, but it's still early in the day.
David!
Barbara!
- What were they testing here?
- Who knows?
I hiked up here once with my ex-wife.
They had guard dogs out.
The fence was electrified. The works.
"BR." Barbara Randolph.
Hm.
Man, that is cold.
Their parents said they
were excellent swimmers.
Wouldn't they be floatin'
up on top by now?
It takes a while for
the body to bloat with gas.
Nice business you're in.
You think there's a way
to pull the plug on this?
- Tropical fish?
- Looks like it's for laboratory rats.
You know, where they had to get through
an obstacle course to get a reward.
Hm.
Still warm.
Come here. Take a look at this.
Yeuch.
Let's get outta here.
This place gives me the creeps.
Hey! What are you...
Well, they've been here all right.
And they never left.
- I say we drain the pond.
- Well, now. Now, wait a minute.
You can't do that without gettin'
somebody's permission, you know.
If it works it's the quickest way
to know if they're down there.
What are you doing?
(alarm ringing)
Are you all right?
- He's breathing.
- No thanks to you.
- What was I supposed to do?
- I would have got loose in a second.
- Look at this. You put a dent in it.
- Could I have a sip of that, please?
It's not water.
- What is it?
- The water's salty.
Where does this drain to?
It was a fish hatchery
before the army took it over.
It probably drains
underground into the river.
uh-oh.
I think it's a dog. I don't suppose
they would have fit through here.
Not in one piece.
You think he's all right up there?
(engine)
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
(engine noise fades)
I guess I must have left
the keys in it. Huh?
- He's alive.
- He's indestructible.
(shouts)
Easy. Easy, now. Easy. Easy.
- Razorteeth.
- What's "razorteeth"?
- You drained the pond?
- Yes...
- You let them out?
- Let who out?
What's he doin'?
You don't know what
you've done. untie me.
The question is, what you've done, mister.
You don't know.
They breed like flies.
There'll be no way to stop them.
Would you talk sense, dammit?
What about those kids?
I can't tell you. Mother of God,
they'll kill us. They'll kill all of us.
OK, mister, listen. They're gonna
sweat it out of you in town.
They'll kill us.
What have we done?
Oh, my God.
- He thinks someone's going to kill him.
- He's right.
I am, if he steps out of line.
- Do you have any cigarettes?
- No.
I quit a year ago.
It interfered with my drinking.
Do you mind if I come in for a minute?
Sure.
So, did you start drinking before or after?
- Before or after what?
- Your wife left you.
- What the hell kind of question is that?
- Look, I'm sorry. I was just interested.
um,
do you mind if I sit here?
Go ahead.
- How long were you married?
- Huh?
um,
ten years.
She was just when we
eloped in her father's car.
Man, we thought we had
the world by the balls.
Where did you live?
In town. I worked in
a smeltin' operation downriver.
The government closed us down.
Said we killed too many fish.
They gave it to the army, and the
army sold it to some resort outfit.
So you know that somebody's makin'
bundles somewheres along the line.
How do you make a living now?
Back pay. unemployment.
Gonna have to go to work
come September.
Keep my daughter in saddle shoes.
- Does your daughter live with you?
- Yeah.
- What's wrong?
- Hm?
- You're so tense.
- Hm?
I don't know. I guess I'm not
used to bein' around people.
That's obvious. I've been trying to hint
my way under the covers for five minutes.
(Paul) You are really somethin'.
(Paul) There's no way we're gonna get
this guy down to town without your Jeep.
We have to do something.
He might have fractured his skull.
We gotta get him to the dam.
There's usually a ranger there.
- How do we get there?
- On a raft.
- Stop kidding. How do we get there?
- You'll see.
I read my daughter
Huckleberry Finn last summer.
We wanted to light out for the territories
so we settled on this as a compromise.
- It looks authentic.
- Yeah. We cut all the logs ourselves.
Not a single nail in her. It's all lashing.
- Where's your daughter now?
- Summer camp, other side of the dam.
Just how sturdy is this thing?
I think it'll hold three people.
To tell you the truth, we never tried it.
My daughter's afraid of the river.
(girls singing) # Boys are made
ofgreasy grimy gopher guts
# Mutilated monkey meat
# Little dirty birdie feet
# Sneezed-up snail snot
# Bashed-in beetles' brains
# All in a bottle ofblood
Suzie? Suzie, honey, don't be scared.
You just have to swim out
to the marker and back.
You've probably swum
twice that far in a pool.
If you don't pass your solo swim
you can't get your water badge.
I don't care.
What is it that you're afraid of, honey?
- Things.
- You mean like sea monsters?
There's just a few little fish in here.
They eat plants at the bottom of the river.
They're not interested
in little girls' fingers and toes.
- Dickinson!
- Over here, Mr Dumont.
Letter for you, Dickinson. That same boy.
Oh, thank you.
Still haven't tackled
your solo swim, Grogan?
No, sir.
She's kind of afraid of things in the water.
Things? What things? Fish? People eat
fish, Grogan. Fish don't eat people.
Do you wanna be the one to lose the
camp competition for the Minnows?
Course you don't.
- She's doing really well on handicrafts.
- Handicrafts don't take any nerve.
Any intestinal fortitude.
You know what that means, Grogan?
- Yes, sir. Guts.
- Right.
Is there any mail for her?
Nope. Skunked again, Grogan.
Grogan.
Guts.
uh...
Come on, let's go.
We'll play some Monopoly.
Why don't we try it in
an inner tube tomorrow? Huh?
Come on.
Hey, Brandy.
Did I ever tell you about that
other dog of mine called Philip?
Philip grew up in Baltimore with me.
He was a good dog.
He...
He run across the street one day,
and he walked right
in front of a trolley car.
It ran over his tail. It surprised him.
He turned around and the trolley car...
I'm tellin' you a story. The
trolley car ran over his head.
It's what you call losin' your head over
a little piece of tail. Pretty funny, huh?
(laughs)
(dog whines)
What's the matter with you?
You didn't like the story? Want me
to tell another? Maybe you didn't get it.
(dog whines)
Are you soft in the head?
OK, my friend.
Number one:
what happened to those kids?
All right, then, try number two: what
were you doin' up at the army site?
- Stop that!
- Oh, he speaks.
Hey.
- Keep your hand out of the water.
- What's wrong with the water?
Since you're talkin' this morning,
buddy, how about a name?
Hoak. Dr Robert Hoak.
- What's wrong with the water?
- The water is filled with carnivorous fish.
Piranha.
(Paul) Oh, Christ.
In here? How did they get in?
You let them in when you drained
the pond at the test site.
- Paul...
- Piranha are tropical fish.
This is cold mountain water. They
wouldn't last in here for a minute.
What about that skeleton?
OK. What would piranha
be doin' up in that pond?
Huh?
- untie me.
- Hey...
What if I dipped you in
the water a little bit first, Doc?
See if you're makin'
the whole thing up or not. Huh?
(dog barking)
Brandy.
That's Jack's dog.
Is he always so ferocious?
(Paul) I don't think I ever heard him do
more than roll over and beg for food.
We'd better take a look.
(dog whines)
Easy, boy. Easy.
He must have dragged himself
this far. Bled to death.
I'm sorry.
I'll get a shovel.
He wouldn't wanna be buried in town.
- Even in an inner tube, huh?
- uh-huh.
- It's almost impossible to fall in.
- But they can still get you.
They, huh?
OK. If that's really the way you feel about
it, I'll try and help you get out of the race.
But we've got to come up
with an excuse. Do not lie.
- I got poison ivy.
- So does everybody else in the camp.
Hey, maybe you could just be getting
your... No, you're too young for that.
Huh?
Wait a minute. I have an idea.
Come with me.
Come here. Sit down here.
Let's see what we have in our
magic box. Give me your knee.
OK. Get Darlene to take
your place in the race. OK?
And if Dumont squawks, limp a lot.
And, uh, I'll get you
a huge bandage for this.
Feels like this thing's
snagged on the bottom.
- Got myself tangled in it too.
- Want me to help?
No, you better stay there.
You might tip the canoe.
I thought you knew all about this kind
of fishing, from when you were a boy.
Listen, when I was a boy we made
our own nets and made 'em right.
Jesus. It feels like
something's snagged in here. Ow!
- Did you get bit?
- Ouch!
- Ow!
- Dad!
- Stay back! Stay back!
- Dad! Dad!
Dad!
- The government paid you?
- Of course they paid.
Where there's germ warfare,
the bomb, chemical warfare,
there's plenty of money.
Special agencies.
They pay. They pay a lot better
than they do in private research.
For raisin' fish.
Oh, no. It's a matter of genetics.
Radiation. Selective breeding.
They called it Operation Razorteeth.
What was it all for?
To destroy the river systems
of the North Vietnamese.
Our goal was to develop a strain of this
killer fish that could survive in cold water
and then breed at an accelerated rate.
We had everything. Blank cheque.
And then the war ended.
You sound disappointed.
They poisoned the water.
After all that work,
they poisoned the water.
But some survived.
We developed a lot of mutants and a few
of them were able to resist the poison.
They ate their own. Their own dead.
And then began to breed
like some wild species.
Suddenly there were hundreds.
Maybe thousands.
- Our tax dollars at work, huh?
- That's science in the service of defence.
Sure. Spreadin' strains
of bacteria in the subway system.
You put them in the river where they
could kill people. Including civilians.
- And kids swimming in the rivers.
- I never killed anybody.
If you wanna talk about killing,
talk to your politicians, the military.
No, no. I'm a scientist.
- Kids in the water.
- What?
The dam.
They let water through every few days
to keep the level steady on the new lake.
The resort's down there. Summer camp.
All those kids. Come on.
(children scream)
(boy) Hey, stop splashin'!
It was pure research.
No scrounging for grant money.
No academic politics. You don't know
what that means to a scientist.
You fed them. You kept them alive.
I continued the experiment.
There was so much more
I could do with the species.
So much further I could take them.
You're not holding me responsible?
I think you are. You pulled the plug and
you're holding me responsible. Incredible.
You're blaming me.
I think if you open your mouth again
I'll stick this pole in it.
- You think they've opened the dam yet?
- I don't know. We can only hope not.
(boy) Daddy.
(Paul) Let's move it.
- It's sinking, Paul. The canoe is sinking.
- Yeah.
Daddy?
Daddy! Daddy! It's going under.
(Paul) Don't do it! Get outta there!
Come on, Maggie.
(Hoak yells)
Hold it here. Hold it.
(Maggie) Come on! Come on! Come here!
Come on! Give me your hand.
Get the doctor. OK, now the doctor.
Easy, Doc.
Here. Here you go.
What do we do? What do we do?
How do we stop them?
Oh, Christ.
(whistle)
Campers. No swinging after lunch.
(Paul) So far we know that they
can live in cold water.
(Maggie) They seem to be
moving downstream.
Gotta find someone who knows
how to deal with these things.
There'll be a phone at the dam.
We can call on ahead.
- Hey.
- What?
I don't know. It seems like
the lashing's workin' loose.
Paul... there's something under us.
His blood. It's the doc's blood.
It's seepin' through. They're eatin'
away at the lashing to get to it.
- Daddy!
- Let go, son. No. We gotta get rid of him.
No. That's what happened to my daddy.
- (Maggie) Let go.
- (boy) They're eating him.
They're eating him!
- Come here.
- They got my daddy!
You OK, boy? How about you?
- I'm all right.
- You gotta stay here.
I'm gonna try to get to the dam before
they let 'em through with the water.
(air horn)
(air horn continues)
(TV) Acres and acres ofreclaimed land
nestled in a scenic mountain valley,
site ofthe newly formed Lost River Lake.
Swimming, sailing, snorkelling,
skin diving, shuffleboard,
and Buck Gardner's
Aquarena Amusement Arcade.
So pack up your RVs, your station
wagons, your trailers and cars,
and hustle on up to Lost River Campsite
for a free introductory weekend.
Don't open it!
Whatever you do, don't open it.
(man) All right, men, off your butts.
Fall in. Move it!
Forgive our scepticism, but we don't
come across stories like yours every day.
Piranha are warm-water fish.
This is hardly the Amazon.
But I told you, these are mutations.
They've already killed five people.
- Science fiction.
- You ready with that bait, soldier?
- Yes, sir.
- Let her go, son.
Actually, a piranha was caught once
in a pond in Miami, in ' I believe.
But the Fish and Game Commission
poisoned the water, and that was that.
- That was that, huh?
- The rumours persisted, you know, but...
Pull it in, son.
Sergeant, tell the major
to start the pumps.
We should be able to
contain them in this area.
Piranha travel in schools, and we've
brought heavy doses of rotenone .
- Came well-prepared, didn't you?
- Won't it ruin the river?
Sometimes you need to destroy
in order to save.
What if they realise they're
bein' slaughtered and leave?
We're talking about fish, Mr Grogan.
- They don't realise much of anything.
- Who are you trying to kid?
You must've known
all along they were here.
OK. You and Miss McKeown are the only
two civilians who know about this project.
What the colonel means is that he'd like
you to join us. Become one of our team.
It figures.
Impossible.
Look, you're a full colonel, right?
I assume you can read a map. Here.
We are here at the dam, OK?
Over here you'll see there's
a stream that feeds into it.
Follow the stream back for an eighth
of a mile and you see there's a fork.
Take this branch, follow it downstream,
and you'll see it empties into the
river on the other side of the dam.
In other words, the piranha have
a way to get around the obstacle.
Even if there's a chance he's right,
don't you think you should do something?
No. If a bypass exists, piranha haven't
the intelligence or the motivation to find it.
But you know Hoak was breeding them
for endurance and intelligence and...
- Well, Bob was a dreamer. He, er...
- Bob?
Dr Hoak?
You knew him?
Fish genetics is a very small field.
You were friends?
Let's say we were
a great deal more than that.
You're covering up.
Is it Waxman? Are you afraid of what
the army might do to you if you...
No, I'm not afraid. I'm a scientist.
I'm head of my department.
It's just that there are priorities, and...
some things are more important
than a few lives.
That's not how Dr Hoak felt.
Not at the end.
As I said, he was a dreamer.
- (Waxman) The situation is under control.
- (Paul) Hold on. What is this?
Why won't you listen to me?
Would you excuse us
for a moment, please?
As far as you're concerned,
this project does not exist.
The piranha do not exist.
- And if I make a squawk?
- Paul...
The interests of national security
permit extreme measures.
Oh, come on! The war's over, dammit!
There'll be other wars, Mr Grogan.
I think for your own protection
we'd better secure your tent for the night.
- Look who's here.
- What's goin' on?
Nothin'.
Psst! ls he still out there?
Yep.
- Then you'll have to distract him.
- Why?
- So I can get away.
- So you can get away? What about me?
- Suit yourself. But first you distract him.
- How?
How would I know? Just get him with
his back to the opening. Come on to him.
What if he's gay?
Then I'll distract him. Let's go.
Hi.
uh...
Nice night, huh?
- Listen, are you gay?
- What?
Oh...
Well, I was just reading
this article in this magazine, and...
- What did you ask me before?
- Look! up in the sky!
It's Superman!
Oh, shit!
- What's wrong?
- Have you got a dime?
(phone)
Hello?
What? What piranhas?
What are you talking about?
What?
Are you crazy? Who is this?
Oh, Grogan. Yeah, I remember you.
You're not crazy, you're drunk.
No, I don't wanna talk to her.
I'm sure she's as drunk as you are.
You wake me up again,
I'll have the cops on you.
What? No, you can't talk to your daughter.
Sober up, Grogan, and fly right!
Piranhas!
- Asshole!
- He didn't believe you.
- He thinks I'm drunk.
- Can you get through to your daughter?
No way. We gotta get down there.
(siren)
Paul, behind us.
I know. No way we can
outrun him in this thing.
Maybe we can talk to him.
Maybe he'll believe us.
Piranha, huh?
And where did they come from?
From an army test site
up on the mountain.
That's posted. There's no trespassing.
Two people were killed up there,
and more along the river.
You've gotta believe us.
Now wait. Say, aren't you Grogan?
- Yeah, that's right.
- uh-huh. I remember.
We had you in on
a drunk and disorderly last month.
I am not drunk! You give me a breath test,
whatever you want, only listen to me!
I think I'm gonna take you up on that,
buddy. Back to the station.
And you can explain why
you're in an army staff car.
And don't you get any notion, man,
cos I got my gun in my other hand here.
OK?
Okey-dokey. Let's go.
Yes. We've got a situation up here.
A very delicate situation. And you can
help us control it by holding them for us.
Yes, Colonel. Yes, yes.
I understand. We'll do it.
Make sure they don't
communicate with the outside.
We're tryin' to avoid unnecessary panic.
Certainly.
Their best interests, I agree.
Well, you're welcome, Colonel. uh...
See you in the mornin'.
Well, you best make yourself comfortable,
folks. You'll be spending the night.
- What about a phone call?
- I don't wanna hear it.
I don't wanna hear it.
I gotta get back on that road now.
So you folks, you just behave yourselves.
No, wait a minute. You can't just leave!
My daughter's down there!
There are kids down there,
and the piranhas are in the river!
Please!
The witch and the demons of the forest
scoured every corner of the church,
venom dripping from their fangs.
"Where is he?" hissed the witch.
The demons peeled
their heavy eyelids back.
There he is!
(Waxman) There's absolutely no cause for
alarm. It's a complete hoax, believe me.
Yeah.
I just wanted to warn you in case
they were able to get a call through.
Groundless panic wouldn't help
our grand opening any.
uh-huh. I really appreciate the warning.
I'll brief my staff. We'll take care of it.
Yeah. Don't worry.
uh-huh. By the way,
are you comin' down tomorrow?
Ah, good. Your presence will lend
a certain prestige to the opening.
Mm-hm.
Huh?
No. No, Colonel.
Nobody knows about your investment.
With me, a silent partner's
privacy is sacred.
I swear to you on my honour
as a Texan, nobody knows.
Yes, Colonel.
Good night. Good night.
Schmuck!
Come on, you guys! Will you haul ass?
This stuff's gotta be set by ten o'clock.
What are you doing back there?
Hide, that's all they do.
Drink beer and hide.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I always like it at night.
Yeah, me too.
It's like it's resting.
- Hey, wanna race me across?
- To the island?
Yeah. Ever since I got here, I haven't
been able to just swim by myself.
I've always had half a dozen
campers hangin' on to me.
I don't know. I don't feel like swimming.
But go ahead, I'll watch you.
- What's the matter?
- I don't know.
Something... Something's wrong.
Come on, come with me.
It'll do you some good.
- You're probably right.
- Good. OK.
Grogan, turn off that flashlight!
Don't be alarmed - it's only me.
There's a rumour some campers
are coming for a midnight swim.
If I catch them swimming, they'll be
in pretty hot water, I can tell you.
- What are you doing out here?
- Oh, well, we...
I thought I heard some campers
swimming. We came down to look.
- Swimming? Where?
- Over by the waterfall.
The waterfall?
ls that where they're doing it?
- (splash)
- What was that?
It sounded like campers
on the other side of the lake.
The other side of the lake?
Thank you. Kim Burrell, is that you?
Well, there's always
tomorrow for that swim.
Yeah. Let's do it tomorrow.
(banging on pipe)
- What are you doin'?
- Did I tell you about Mo Schneider?
- Who's that?
- This guy they sent me to find one time.
He was a plumber. He kept running off
and getting busted for indecent exposure.
What are you doin' there?
Mo was in the poky so many times that
he developed a regular escape routine.
Being a plumber,
he used what he knew best.
(crash)
What the hell was that?
What are you doing? Are you all right?
Christ, listen.
This, uh, this plan,
whatever it is, did it ever work?
No. But he came pretty
close a couple of times.
Pretty damn close.
What's all that racket? Sounds like the
roof fell in. What's all this water from?
Something's leaking,
and I'll catch pneumonia if it doesn't stop.
- What's the matter with that sink trap?
- I've tried,
but I'm just not strong enough
to put the pipes back together.
All right. Stand back, I'll take a look at it.
What the hell did you do to this thing?
Tryin' to crawl through the drainpipe?
- What's happenin'?
- He's knocked out, but he's alive.
Get his keys. Can you get his keys?
- They're chained to his pants!
- Well, take his pants off, then.
Come on. I'd have thought you could
get a man's pants off quicker than that.
Got 'em! I got 'em!
Come on. Let's go.
- What did you hit him with?
- A piece of the toilet lid.
- Maybe I should have tried bribery first.
- Thank you, Mo Schneider.
Don't suppose one of those
keys would fit a patrol car?
I wouldn't be surprised.
(applause)
Howdy, folks. I'm Buck Gardner.
Thank you.
(cheering)
Thank you. I appreciate that.
On behalf of Buck Gardner's
Aquarena Development Corporation,
it gives me great pleasure to invite you
here to our opening-day festivities.
If you have any questions about
purchasing land up here,
our people will be mingling in the crowd
to answer your questions.
You got no obligation to buy anything,
only to enjoy yourselves. Annie?
Right there.
Right there.
Try again.
Nice try, kid.
That's it!
Don't forget, free barbecue
this afternoon at one o'clock.
Enjoy yourselves.
We got 'em.
No comics! No comics. No discipline.
(whistle)
Water competition.
Muster up. Water competition.
Put the arrows away.
Put the bows in the tep...
That isn't funny.
(whistle)
Minnows, over here!
Come on, kids.
Come on, you guys.
Guppies! Come on, let's go!
Come on, line up. That's right. Come on.
Standing in line. Straight line.
Straighten up. OK. We're gonna
have a tube race. Who's gonna win?
- Minnows!
- (all) We are!
We are!
All right. OK, you guys.
You cannot swim with your glasses on.
Let's turn this way now.
Buddy system. Arms up.
There we go. Stand up straight. Come on.
- Stand up straight.
- Come on, be proud you're a Guppy.
That's good. That's good.
Hold your stomach in.
(Dumont) Morning, campers.
Fall in back here and buddy up.
Mr Dumont, we're ready for you, sir.
(whistle)
Arms down!
All right now. This is where we separate
the tortoises from the hares,
the wheat from the chaff,
and the sinkers from the swimmers.
Salt water.
- What?
- I just remembered. It was salt water.
- What was?
- In the pond at the test site.
- I thought it was strange, then I forgot.
- So?
Piranha are freshwater fish.
Hoak must have developed a strain
that can live both in fresh and salt.
Like salmon.
- That's why they headed downstream.
- And if they get to the ocean?
There'll be no way to contain 'em. They'll
be able to swim up every river system.
(shrieking)
What are you doing?
You should be in that race.
- But Betsy told me...
- I don't want to hear any excuses.
- Get a tube and get out there.
- But I hurt my knee.
On the double, camper!
(whistle)
Listen up, you kids!
We're gonna start
the tube race in a minute.
Kathryn! McCarthy! MacBride!
All you campers, come in here.
You're too far out.
Goddamn Sunday driver.
(whistle)
Ready?
(bang)
(Dumont) Come on! This is a race, people!
Jacobson, put a little muscle in it!
Parkinson, a little effort!
Kids, let's get a little leg action!
(screams)
What's the matter?
What is that?
(screams)
- Suzie! Suzie, no. Go back! Go back!
- Get on the boat.
Betsy!
Betsy!
Suzie!
Daddy!
There's a phone in there. Call the resort
and warn 'em. I'll get the kids out.
Operator, get me the number
of the Aquarena Springs Resort.
Look in the phone book.
Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself.
Everything's free today. Enjoy yourself.
Keep 'em moving, Terry.
Wrong away, kid. This is the exit.
- Hey, baby.
- Mr Gardner? Mr Gardner?
- What is it?
- Real important.
- Buck Gardner.
- Now listen to me.
This is not a crank call.
I am completely serious.
Emergency?
Easy. Easy.
I got you. I got you.
All right.
Please. Please, you've gotta believe me.
- Thank you.
- Listen to me! Please, before it's...
Thank you. Piranha.
- They're sending an ambulance.
- We gotta drive to the resort ourselves.
- Can you handle this?
- uh, yeah. I think so.
Honey, I'll be back
for you real soon, I promise.
So you be brave, huh? Help out here?
That's my girl.
It's OK, Suzie.
He'll be back.
We got plenty of targets.
Yes, sir. Right over there.
By the way, sir, they've noticed.
One woman recognised
the submarine ride from Florida.
Of course she did.
I picked it up second-hand.
Skyway's from Redondo Beach.
Boathouse is army surplus.
Dancing chickens?
From a carnival in ldaho.
Ralph the Swimming Swine?
From Atlantic City.
They're saying, for a new resort,
nothing's looking very new.
What do they know? Ralph the Swimming
Swine's practically a national monument.
He's been swimming for
more years than I can remember.
The other stuff they just don't make. That
submarine ride is a piece of Americana.
Yes, sir.
- Maybe they never heard of recycling.
- I don't know.
Smile, we're goin' public.
Hello, Senator. How are you?
(siren)
If they get to the media,
we're both screwed.
Colonel Waxman. Dr Mengers.
What a pleasant surprise.
They busted jail.
- They already called.
- Is your staff ready?
- They're all set.
- Call your local newspaper.
Warn 'em they might get
some crank calls.
- Wouldn't it be better...
- You got your orders. Hop to it.
Cool it with the military crap.
I'll take care of it.
Whitney? Let's hop to it.
- General Waxman, it's been so long.
- It's Colonel, ma'am.
Colonel, still? Oh, I can't imagine why.
Politics, ma'am. Politics.
Stupid cow.
- Ready?
- (water-skier) OK.
Hey, he really does ski great.
- He's such a show-off.
- He thinks he's such hot shit.
- Maybe we're not going fast enough.
- I can fix that.
Hold it! There's something back here!
Take it in! Now!
- I think something's wrong.
- Yeah, we haven't dumped him yet.
Stop!
Take me in! There's something in here!
Come on! Get me outta here!
Slow down. Stop!
Faster! Don't stop!
- Wait. He says...
- No!
Speed up. Speed up!
Stop!
(siren)
(screams)
Argh! Argh! Argh!
(screams)
Dammit!
No, Bob. It's completely false.
There's not a word
of truth to it, believe me.
- Sir?
- I'm on the phone!
(whispers) Piranhas.
- Don't even say that word!
- But the piranhas...
- What about the piranhas?
- They're eating the guests, sir.
uh...
Bob, I'm gonna have to get back to you on
this. We've got a... a situation down here.
(screams)
(everybody screaming)
Come on. Get off! You'll tip us over.
Get off!
Dammit, get off!
Where are we going?
The lake narrows where
the outlet for the refinery was.
They'll be bunched tight
when they come through there.
What then?
If it isn't tapped off, there might be
enough waste left in the smelting tanks.
- It'll kill the fish?
- It'll kill anything.
We'll pollute the bastards to death.
Oh, Lord. No.
- What's wrong?
- It's all flooded.
The control booth is underwater.
- What can we do?
- Well, we gotta do somethin'.
- Where's that towline?
- It's in the back.
So I want you to start
counting slowly up to .
Then, whether I'm up to the surface or
not, hit that throttle and get outta here.
If I'm not up by then, I'm in trouble, cos
that's as long as I can hold my breath.
So, let's count it down together.
- OK?
- Yeah.
- One.
- One.
Two.
- Three.
- Three.
- Four.
- Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Paul!
Lost River Lake.
Terror, horror, death. Film at .
- (man) Medic!
- (woman) Help!
What the hell are you filming?
What the hell are you filming?!
Try and take some.
Where do we go from here, Dr Mengers?
I'm personally going to head
a full-scale investigation into this incident,
to discover who was responsible, and
to ensure this could never happen again.
As an expert in tropical species,
what danger is there
in the possibility of
the piranha reaching the ocean?
Oh, none. Most ofthem will have
been destroyed by pollution at the lake.
Ifany did get through, there's no way
they could survive the salt water.
There's nothing left to fear.