Voila! Finally, the Quick Change script is here for all you fans of the Bill Murray, Geena Davis and Randy Quaid movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Quick Change quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Quick Change Script
Nude women!
Nude women!
Clowns welcome!
Clowns welcome!
Nude women! Clowns welcome!
- Hey! I got three more minutes.
- Come back tomorrow.
- I said we're closed, Bozo.
- I wouldn't.
And that's "Mr. Bozo," okay?
Say, that's right. It ain't quite
closing time yet.
Hugh...
...let's not mess with me today, okay?
I'm robbing the bank.
What the hell kind of clown are you?
- The crying-on-the-inside kind, I guess.
- Look, I'm just an old man.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Let's go.
This is a robbery.
Do you believe this?
- This is a robbery.
- It is!
Thank you.
All right, quiet, put your hands on top
of your head. Stand up.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die.
We're all gonna die!
Button it up, pal.
Nobody likes a whiner.
Don't anybody move.
What did I just say?
All right. That's better.
- Fill this up with regular, please.
- That's my money.
- Don't worry. It's insured.
- She didn't give me no receipt yet.
They can't insure it
if I don't got no receipt.
Would you please give him a receipt.
And you...
...watch the double negatives, huh?
- Yes, sir.
Okay, anybody else need a receipt?
Last chance.
Okay, we're all going into the vault now.
Keep your hands on your heads.
- Let's go.
- Do as he says, everyone.
- This will all be over with presently.
- Don't dilly-dally. That's it.
Hey! Move it! Move it!
Move it back!
- Do you have the key to this?
- You bet.
I'll need another one of these
filled up from in there. Thanks.
And I'm gonna need you
to make a phone call for me...
...presently.
Now, the police are gonna want me
to let some of you go...
...as a sign of good faith.
The best way to get out
is to stay calm.
If they want proof that I'm serious...
...I'll carve up the troublemakers first.
Jesus, God!
- Shut up.
- Oh, Jesus! God!
God!
- May I use your phone?
- Yes.
Give up now. That is the only door.
There is no other way out, my friend.
Tell them anybody gets near this place,
I'm gonna blow it up.
If I don't hear from the guy
in charge in 15 minutes...
...I'll send your thumb out
through the night depository.
And, thanks...
...for calling me friend.
This is Princeton. You have
less than 15 minutes to call in.
Do not come near the bank.
He is covered in dynamite.
Hot dogs! Hot dogs!
Give me sound down.
Chief, apparently we've got 12 people
in there. One guy, heavily armed.
Bank security got this picture.
This is our perpetrator.
- The hostage negotiator's on his way, sir.
- Tell him he won't be needed.
- Till when, sir?
- Till I'm no longer chief.
To my beloved wife Carol,
I leave the house in Westchester...
...and the apartment on 78th Street.
The stock portfolio will be divided equally
among our children.
David, you can have the Giants tickets.
Don't do this.
It'll be okay.
He said...
...he'd carve up the troublemakers first.
Why don't you shut the hell up!
Crybaby.
Damn!
Give me a break.
Coming.
- Mom?
- This is Rotzinger.
Who are you? Where's Mom?
Chief of police.
Get your butt out of there now.
You know, I was in 'Nam
with a jerk like you.
Oh, boy.
What's your name, son?
What shall I call you?
Well...
...I always liked the name Chip.
Would you call me Chip?
Okay.
What was that shooting just now, Chip?
Oh, wait! Call me Skip.
Okay, Skip. What was that shooting?
Well, the cameras.
I shot the cameras.
They were looking at me.
Quit looking at me!
My God. He's barking.
Skip, we can be inside, on top of you,
in a heartbeat.
Try to run, you won't get 5 feet.
Yeah. Well, you tell your men
just one bullet could hit some dynamite...
...and blow up the whole street.
I've planted it everywhere, you know.
Don't you think I know
how you plan to get out?
Switch on a recorder,
I'm talking to a machine...
...while you crawl out
through the third-floor vent.
Not a bad plan, except I couldn't fit
with all this money.
Besides, I've booby-trapped the vents
with heavy explosives.
Come on down! Get out of there!
God, I hate this town.
Let's see if we can make
a deal here, Chip. Skip.
- I'd like to get those people out of there.
- Fine.
I want a city bus with a full tank of gas.
I want a Harley-Davidson XL 1 ooo.
I want a monster truck.
- A what?
- And I want two Jet Ranger helicopters...
...here on the street.
I'll get you the choppers,
I'll get you the bus, the Harley...
...and the monster truck just as soon
as you give me the damn hostages.
Oh, yeah. I'm sure
no harm will come to me...
...once I'm inside the bank
all by myself.
- At least give me the women.
- Get your own women.
One hostage per demand.
One?! Listen, I've had just about enough
of your comedy, clown.
- We're coming in through the plate glass.
- All right.
I gotta hang up now because I gotta go
kill everybody, okay?
Don't bust my chops, wise guy.
It's not that easy.
It takes time to find two pilots who
are willing to fly out an armed felon.
I don't need a pilot.
Now, you got 3o minutes to meet my first
demand. What's your number out there?
259-o66o. Don't try anything rash,
or you're dead along with everyone else.
6o? And that's here in area code 212?
All right. Do what he says:
The chopper, the bus, everything.
Set them up out here
as soon as they arrive.
- Is it a diversion, chief, or is he crazy?
- He's not crazy.
He'll come out of that bank with
a few hostages also dressed as clowns.
He'll make a run for a chopper
assuming we're afraid to shoot a hostage.
Are we?
He said no pilots. That means he's flying it.
Probably learned how in 'Nam.
Now, they'll get a bead on whichever clown
takes the controls...
...and take him out
before he leaves the ground.
Here he comes.
- He's gonna let one of us go.
- Oldest first.
That makes sense: Save the one
who will die first of natural causes.
You prick.
- I'm gonna vomit.
- We better get him out of here first.
- No way!
- The hell with him.
- It's been decided. I'm the first to go.
- What?!
- Who decided it?
- I did.
It really isn't your decision,
Mr. Adolf Hitler.
- Have you got my money ready back there?
- It's here.
You're the kind of person that gets
innocent bystanders killed.
They're meeting my first demand.
All right, to show this fascist dictator here
how our system works...
...I'll let you folks decide
who will be the first to go.
- Him!
- Him!
- Him?
- Yes!
Let's... Come on. Come on. Let's go.
Get downwind of me.
Sir, is human life at stake?
The stink of death was in the air.
He said he knew how to make men
sit up and bark.
Oh, don't exaggerate or anything.
And so we have our first report
from inside the bank.
Our first description of this clown
at whom no one is laughing.
Now, that's original.
Steve, Jody, I'll be here
until the last hostage is released.
Can it. Here comes Clarabell.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- What's this?
- It's just a gift.
Okay, it's an Audemars Piguet.
Moon phase, 18-karat gold, alligator band.
Thing cost me 12,ooo,
but it's appreciating every day.
As I say, it's my gift to you.
- Boy, it is nice.
- Isn't it?
- I can't keep this.
- Don't be silly.
No, I would be beholden.
May I buy it?
- I mean, would you take three bills for it?
- Three hundred dollars?
Unless someone makes a higher offer.
Anyone want to go higher than 3oo on this?
It's got a moon on it.
Great. And here's my watch.
It's a Timex...
...and the band is the Twist-o-Flex
by Speidel.
I appreciate this damn thing
more and more every day.
You pig.
Excuse me? Pig?
I doubt it. Think the lady
protests too much, or what?
I think you're just afraid to party
with a real man.
A real man, who has to use a gun...
...who has to dress up like that
and keep people prisoner?
You're not a man.
You're a coward.
Oh, no. No!
She... She does not speak
for the rest of us, Mr. Clown.
We think you're quite brave.
And manly.
You big pussy!
I don't believe you.
- You're a bunch of pussies.
- Why don't you take her out next.
You don't need this kind of aggravation.
Hey, chief. On the bus, we've got an
ex-Green Beret under the back seat.
In the motorcycle, we got enough gas
to carry it half a mile.
We stationed shooters
a half-mile in every direction.
- Any word on the monster truck?
- About half an hour.
Did you get any description
of the perpetrator?
Average height, average build,
red nose and blue hair.
Thanks.
- Thank you for using A T& T.
- Your bike's out here. So's your bus.
- You owe me two more hostages.
- They're coming.
Tell me when my monster truck gets here.
- You ready, doll?
- All set.
Relax. I'm right behind you.
Come on, already.
Son of a bitch! Bastard!
- Are you people all right?
- Let's keep moving.
He's peeking at us through the curtains.
The man is an animal.
Ripping out phones, urinating on desks.
You see what he did
to Miss Cochran's shirt?
There's a scratch here.
It's not deep, but it's there.
It's okay.
Did he hurt anybody else?
Is the strain beginning to show on him?
"If I could sleep 1 o days in a rice paddy,
I could certainly last in this lousy bank."
This is what the animal said to us.
He says to Miss Cochran here:
"Baby, up your butt with a coconut."
I think he was prepared to do it,
except I saw no coconut.
He had no coconut to my knowledge.
No coconut, huh?
What about dynamite?
Did you see any?
Any? It's everywhere.
It's on him. It's on us.
Hostages strapped to tables as shields.
The man is an animal.
He's sick.
You okay, mister?
Officer Martin, take these two
to the doctor, just as a precaution.
Yes, sir.
- The key is, he's an animal.
- That much is clear, sir.
Oh, so I'm repeating myself. I suppose you
want to throw me back in there with him.
It's 4:48.
If he hasn't called back by 5,
we storm the bank.
Damn.
This is Rotzinger.
Can you give me a little more time?
I promise I won't hurt anybody.
I'll call you right back. I promise.
Now, where were we?
Oh, Phyllis! Oh, Phyllis!
Grimm.
Guys.
Phyllis, you were so great back there.
I felt like you were protecting me for real.
I couldn't tell if you were pretending.
You were good.
This is true. Let's see Miss Meryl Streep
try to vomit on cue, huh?
Fantastic.
Loomis, could we have
two seconds alone?
- Sure, Grimm.
- Thanks.
I can't believe we did it.
Do you remember the night
you proposed?
- Proposed?
- Yeah.
Oh, you mean the night the pipes froze
and the heat went out?
And as we lay there freezing...
...waiting to be discovered dead,
you gave me that look.
That look a woman
gives her man that says:
"I blame you for everything."
Yeah, that look.
I said, "Phyllis, before we lose our
self-respect, let's make a commitment.
Let's not be the Bickersons,
like every other couple on the IRT.
I know a way.
Phyllis, will you rob a bank with me?"
I will, Grimm. I will.
Grimm...
...I have to tell you something.
I found something out yesterday.
What? What is it?
I just feel funny.
I feel... You know, I feel complete.
Grimm, you already were complete.
If you were any more complete,
it would be a little scary.
Bad neighborhood to get
in touch with our feelings.
Especially with a fortune
in our falsies.
All right, I gotta make a quick call
to the chief.
- This is Rotzinger.
- Yes. Have you got Prince Albert in a can?
Feeling better, I see.
Your Macho Maniac is here.
You owe me another hostage.
I'll check it out. I'm going to
the window. Tell your men to get back.
Did you have something to tell me?
I want to wait.
I can see it doesn't have
a hydraulic tilt body. It's unacceptable.
What?! You son of a bitch.
You never said a goddamn word
about a "tilting hydraulic body."
We had to send all the way to Jersey
for this thing.
Don't insult me.
Now, you get me
a respectable monster truck...
...and don't get back to me
until you do, okay?
- What was that?
- What was what?
Don't try to change the subject.
- No tilt body, no hostages.
- I want hostages.
It's gonna take time
to find a tilting hydraulic body.
Well, that's not my problem.
It was an accident.
They would have waited forever
to go into that bank.
Just throw me out of the car
and run me over.
I could have called them
from anywhere tonight...
...just to tell them I was still in the bank.
Let's get to the airport.
We'll pretend this didn't happen.
Now, you get me
a respectable monster truck...
... and don't get back to me
until you do, okay?
There it is, a beep.
- Can you isolate that beep?
- I can try.
It could be a horn. Clowns carry horns,
little rubber ones.
- Sometimes their noses are horns.
- I wanna know what beeped, fast.
I'll tell you what I think it was.
And it wasn't his fucking nose.
It was a car horn.
How much time did we lose, exactly?
They won't storm in
until they're sure I'm not there.
Then there's chaos while they round up
hostages and take statements and names.
Finally, they'll realize some are missing.
- By then...
- our plane is taking off?
And they still won't know who we are.
For God's sake, shut that up!
Turn that trash off!
God, I hate this town.
Grimm, guess what.
Wait a second.
I never scouted this neighborhood.
Did we miss the Expressway?
I didn't see it.
They were working on the signs back there.
Go! Go! Go!
We wanna get on
the Brooklyn Queens Expressway.
- What?
- The BQE.
Wow, you know,
jeez, we don't know where that is.
- Shut up!
- Hey, you shut up!
- Shut up!
- Shut up! Shut up!
Let's just walk through this, okay?
Does that sign say BQE?
Yeah.
Okay, so which way was the arrow pointing?
That was an hour ago. That witch
ain't stopped screaming the whole time.
She even had her baby screaming at us.
Let me try this:
Will you be putting up a new sign?
- Not today.
- Today's just taking shit down.
Can you tell us anything?
The names of a street, any street?
- The directions: North, south?
- It's not our neighborhood.
Honey, babe.
- You've got a gun. Shoot them.
- I want to, but they're fur-bearing.
I'd need some kind of permit, wouldn't I?
Thanks, guys. You could've given us help,
but you've given us so much more.
Hey, that's what we're here for, right?
I'm glad this happened.
It's another little reminder
of why we pulled this thing.
You know what their problem is?
They live here, that's all.
But we don't. Not anymore.
How hot does this baby burn?
Anybody find a watch out there?
- Did you send men into the sewer?
- Are you grasping at straws?
- How much time was wasted in the sewer?
- Where do you guys get this stuff?
Take the hostages' statements in the bus.
He's getting farther away every second.
Oh, we're really making progress now.
I saw a sign, Phyllis.
If we could just find a landmark.
Ask this guy.
Excuse me. Sir?
Sir? Excuse me.
It's bad luck just seeing
a thing like that.
Things are going to hell, aren't they?
It's just a couple guys
sorting out some things.
- We're gonna find a familiar street soon.
- I'd settle for a familiar borough.
I think we're near John Philip Sousa.
That was our junior high school.
Aren't we, Grimm?
Not unless there's been an H-bomb mishap
since prom.
Can you help us find the BQE?
Glad to. Got a map right here
in the glove.
Wait a minute.
This guy's too wonderful.
- So?
- So definitely a felon. Dangerous.
Probably a serial killer.
Maybe he's just from out of town.
- He is. He's got Iowa plates.
- There you go.
- Where was the Clutter family from?
- Kansas.
Just checking.
Say, the bank was really beautiful,
wasn't it?
It sure was, Grimm.
Hey, Phyllis.
Grimm needs a little reassuring.
No, he doesn't.
He's complete now.
- There you are.
- Great. Great. Thank you.
Hey, is everybody this nice in Iowa?
- Iowa?
- Yeah.
That's a stolen car.
Grimm doesn't seem any different,
does he?
Well, yesterday, he was just a guy working
in the Department of City Planning.
And today,
he's a world-class bank robber.
Thank you, Loomis.
You're very comforting.
- This is a fucking nightmare.
- Doesn't even know the capital of Iowa.
Shut up.
This must be my lucky day.
You got some real money here.
Four dollars.
Well, I couldn't get to the bank today.
Let me give you this watch.
It's worth $ 12,ooo.
I talked the guy down.
He ended up giving it to me for 3oo.
Nice, huh?
God, are you a sucker.
Let's see what's in the trunk.
Thanks. Bye-bye.
Oh, sir, you forgot your map.
And our million dollars.
- Was it Dubuque?
- Des Moines.
- Now can we go to the airport?
- In the clothes we wore out of the bank?
Flatbush is 15 minutes from here.
We'll stop at Woolworth's.
The sky's the limit.
If Einstein here hadn't honked
the horn...
...we could've changed clothes
before they were stolen.
- It was an accident, Phyllis.
- Oh, you know, so was Chernobyl.
But Loomis didn't irradiate anybody.
- Grimm, make her stop.
- Don't worry about it.
When I hit you, start worrying.
And you.
What are you hitting him for
when you wanna hit me?
- What are you talking about?
- Something's bothering you. I remember.
Okay, yeah.
L... I was trying to tell you something...
Shouldn't we be going?
All right, let's go. Come on.
- All right. Straight ahead.
- Right, Grimm.
I'm glad the son of a bitch robbed us.
It's just another reminder of how happy
and lucky we are to be getting out of here.
But not Woolworth's. You said
we should see as few people as possible.
Go to my apartment.
I left clothes there, men's and women's.
Right, that's better, it's closer.
Take the next big left.
Men's clothes. Whose?
Barry Meyers. I mentioned him.
A guy I should have married.
A guy who wasn't certifiable.
Come off it, pal.
Thank you for getting us out alive.
The owners of the bank
want me to tell you...
...not to expect
any cooperation from them.
I think they're gonna kill you
with the press too.
They say if the clown gets away...
...they owe it to their shareholders
to let the abject humiliation...
...of this whole thing
fall on a public official.
How many shareholders are there?
Just the three, I think.
But thank you very much.
- We really appreciate it.
- See you on the bus.
Oh, my God. Now this one's going.
Tear them down no matter
how great they were.
Chief.
The Peruvian Connection.
The Subway Psycho.
People are gonna remember
what you've done.
What's memorable about a clown
stealing $ 1 million?
Jesus, we gotta get this guy.
Look at this.
Why do they have to do this?
Well, what do I care.
It's not my life's work anymore.
Hey, Grimm, you tried.
You're a good person.
Caring, faithful, concerned.
Aren't you?
- Phyllis, where do you park?
- Just park by the hydrant.
The hydrant?
I'll pay the ticket.
I can't believe the new tenants
dumped this stuff.
- They're not supposed to move till Tuesday.
- Well, we should be out of here by then.
- Give me your sleeve.
- Is that necessary?
We'll miss the complimentary beverage.
Do you want to stand out at the airport?
Barry was 6'4".
Pituitary problem?
Hey, look at this, guys.
I'm gonna get me one of these.
Get yourself three.
It sure would be less itchy
if there's no x-ray machines.
So we could just carry the dough
in a suitcase.
Those darn terrorists who made it tough
on us bank robbers.
It's a pretty nice jacket.
Why did Barry leave this behind,
why didn't he take it with him?
Too rich to care.
There's smoke across the street.
How did he make his money, anyway?
Terminally boring banker-type?
It's black smoke.
Mafia kingpin? Amway?
Pimp?
- Oh, no.
- What, cops?
- No, fire engine.
- The hydrant. Give me your keys.
- Keys.
- Here.
Grimm.
- Get your hands up.
- You must be Mr. Edison.
Get them up!
Mr. Edison, I'm Phyllis Potter,
and this is my apartment.
We were ripped off in the Village.
It's not gonna happen here.
Do we look like criminals?
Do we look like people that are
capable of committing a crime?
I only know what I saw.
When my wife gets here, she'll call the cops.
We'll let them decide. Face the window.
Okay, but it's still our apartment.
We'll have to have you arrested.
Oh, Jesus.
Grimm, our plane takes off in 41 minutes.
Quiet. No codes.
Hey, honey. Ready to celebrate?
- Oh, my God.
- They were taking the TV when I came in.
I was touching it. Kill me.
- Turn around.
- Oh, great, Hal.
For once, it was gonna be fun.
We were gonna eat on the floor,
drink champagne, listen to old records.
Why are you blaming me?
We haven't even moved the bed in,
and already it's the same.
Give credit where it's due,
Mrs. Edison.
Hal made the commitment, didn't he?
He gave up the rent-controlled place.
- Do you know him?
- He's paying 15oo for a one-bedroom.
Fifteen hundred? Try 26oo.
You... You weren't paying 15oo,
were you?
- We were paying 126o.
- Twelve sixty?
Excuse me, I don't know you very well,
but you're crazy if you gave this place up.
Maybe we are crazy.
We bought a farmhouse, near Woodstock.
It's rustic, kind of a fixer.
But the payments are 3oo a month.
We just had to try.
I suppose you don't believe that either,
Edison! That people would go and do that!
For your information, I was at Woodstock.
I don't judge you, Hal.
Really, I don't.
But from Woodstock
to Charles Bronson in 2o years?
Good one.
Look.
Grab it.
Oh, damn it.
You can shoot us now.
I've put the gun down.
No hard feelings?
These are the names and numbers
and preliminary statements of the hostages.
"Clown seemed harmless until
he harassed blond hostage."
Yes, sir. Apparently, he made
some sexual overtures, things like that.
I don't see her.
- Don't see who?
- The blond. Where is she?
I was talking to her myself
when she came out.
- All the hostages are here.
- They're all here.
No. Where's the whiny guy?
"He's an animal."
The one that came out with her.
They were the second and third ones out.
Oh, Jesus.
The lumberjack guy...
He was the first one out.
- In all that chaos, a few wandered away...
- It was utter chaos.
- But we got everybody's name and number.
- We got all that stuff.
Yeah, get me the news footage on those
three hostages who were released. Right.
I said, "It's all over, Chuckles."
And wrestled him. But he got a gal
in his sights, and I had to let up.
That's when he coldcocked me.
Son of a bitch.
Look at this video so we can
put out an APB on these robbers.
- Robbers, plural?
- They all coldcocked me.
Three of them there, shouting with glee.
- Taxi!
- Taxi!
- Please!
- $ 1 o, ooo for a taxi!
And a blowjob!
- Can we just calm down.
- We'll never make the flight.
We'll have to sail a raft to Fiji
like Thor Heyerdahl.
I have made another reservation
on the 11:oo to Martinique.
- You never mentioned an 11:oo flight.
- I never thought we'd need it.
But I don't know anything
about Martinique.
What did you know about Fiji?
Nothing, really.
Okay.
Did you book another flight after that?
Let's just try to make the 11:oo, okay?
Why, do they know about us yet?
Well, by now, Rotzinger has probably
figured out it was the first three hostages.
Oh, Grimm.
Grimm, I cannot go to prison.
Don't worry about it. We were disguised.
- Taxi!
- You never mentioned Rotzinger.
You never mentioned Martinique.
What else haven't you mentioned?
- Everything you told me is a lie, isn't it?
- Are you all right?
Am l...? You think this is fun,
a night on the town.
No, I think it's a lot more exciting
than that.
You used to think so too.
We couldn't discuss this plan...
...unless there was a bedroom close by.
- Before I realized what you are.
What am I?
You're a world-class bank robber,
drunk on your own power and expertise.
- And Loomis thinks so too.
- Taxi.
Taxi.
Look, I don't know where this
"world-class bank robber" thing came from.
Okay, I did rob a bank, but so did you.
Isn't that what we planned for six months
in your bedroom?
And now if... When we get a cab...
...we can complete the plan and live out
our lives with a modicum of dignity.
Please, God! We need a cab!
One lousy, fucking cab!
Yes!
To the airport, please.
All right, let's take another call.
Line seven. Steve, from Staten Island.
- What's on your mind tonight?
- I wanted to talk about that bank robbery.
- What about it?
- Was this clown such a bad guy?
I mean, he had a great sense of humor.
He wasn't another junkie
with a homemade 9 mm.
- He was okay.
- Steve, you must be a scumbag like him.
I say, hang the clown, then pull his pants
down to set an example. You're out of here.
How could he say a thing like that?
- He's asking, "Where to?"
- Oh, God.
He just means which airport, that's all.
Kennedy. JFK.
- I'm sorry I got so crazy.
- What did Loomis say to get you so upset?
Oh, nothing. No, he's completely loyal
to you. And you are to him.
Kind of like father and son, huh?
You didn't mention Rotzinger or Martinique
because the plan was perfect...
...and you didn't wanna worry me
with unlikely contingencies, right?
I know I've been especially moody.
Not so as you'd notice.
And I know it's not exactly
reasonable to expect...
...a lot of attention
under the circumstances.
But you see...
Jesus. The goddamn airport!
What, do you got shit in your ears?
Come on.
All right, easy.
He may be a guest in our country.
Friend...
Kennedy. Here, look.
Kennedy Airport. Look.
Yeah, he's got it.
Oh, great. Why don't you take us
straight to Sing Sing.
- Please don't say that. You'll upset Loomis.
- Oh, God forbid.
It's red. Stop!
Stop!
You don't even understand colors,
do you?
You don't know red from hell!
There's a real cab up there. Stop!
- Taxi!
- Loomis!
- That guy must have wanted a paper bad.
- That's a bad place to be.
Loomis. Loomis.
Hey, Linda, hurry up,
I think this guy's dead.
You hear me? It's a dead man.
Thirty-eight eighty-two.
Send a squad car now!
Looks like he's bleeding.
Loomis.
Loomis.
I really liked him. I did.
So I says to him, "Are you gonna behave?"
And from out of nowhere comes this knife.
I think it was a bowie knife,
and I hate knives.
Dennis, the news footage
didn't help me very much.
I wanted it an hour ago.
Where'd you get this, a matchbook?
It's perfect, if you wanna pick up
Paul Bunyan.
It's based, in part,
on our own descriptions.
That clown was no clown.
Knew we'd be too obsessed...
...by the perpetrator inside the bank...
...to see much more than a beard or a blond
or a whiny jerk. What do you got?
Involving two men and a woman,
here's what's up:
19oo hours, a car containing two men
and a woman crashed into the Pierce Hotel.
- The passengers fled before we got there.
- Dispatch a car. What else?
That's it involving two men
and a woman.
Two more liquor stores and a Laundromat
were hit by copycat clowns.
You realize they're probably
somewhere in the Third World by now.
Yes, sir. Someplace nice.
All we've got going for us is the city.
Our only hope is that they're mired down in
the same shit you and I wade in every day.
Why do I still want this fucking job?
Can't I imagine a more inspired destiny
for myself?
Sir, don't talk like that.
Here's another one. A man jumped from
a moving cab into a newspaper stand.
There were two other passengers in the car,
a man and a woman.
He jumped from a moving cab.
That's panic.
That's somebody on the lam.
Goddamn, if that doesn't sound like
the guy who hit that car horn.
- When was that?
- 2o35.
- We're not even on the scene yet, sir.
- It's them.
It's them.
Send all nearby units to the scene.
Loomis.
Loomis.
Did we get the cab?
Are you gonna hit me now?
No, but if your leg is broken,
we'll have to destroy you.
Can you get up now, pal?
Too bad. It looked fierce.
Count from 1 o backwards.
Ten.
That's great. Forget it, that's enough.
Nine, eight...
...seven...
- Come on, relax.
- The gun, the gun!
- Gun, the gun.
- Hey.
Oh, nice. Professor Henry Higgins
is gonna spot us.
We're gonna go in here.
This ain't my dick in your back.
That's a relief.
We came...
...about the money.
What's that walking corpse say?
He said they come about the money.
Ask him what money, asshole.
What money, asshole?
Incredible. They're playing games.
Yeah.
Tell him you're gonna play games
on his fucking head.
I'm gonna play games
on your fucking head.
You must hate this warehouse.
Because it's gonna be a three-alarm job
after tomorrow.
Johnny. Come here.
Come here.
What?
What the hell are you doing?
I have no idea.
I don't know.
- Go ask him.
- You want me to ask him?
Mr. Skelton wants to know
how come he don't know you.
- Because I'm new.
- Because he's new.
Tell him Lombino didn't say nothing
to me about no new bagman.
- Lombino didn't say nothing...
- Mr. Lombino, huh?
Mr. Lombino!
Since when does a wiseguy like you
deserve an explanation from a giant...
...like Mr. Lombino?
Mr. Lombino didn't say nothing
to Mr. Skelton...
...about no new...
- Enough already, Johnny.
- Don't you see me standing right here?
- Yeah, all right. I'm sorry.
All right.
What happened to Mario?
Mario.
Somebody dared him.
So he threw Earl here
out of a moving car.
Same spot he done Johnny.
- He must love that spot.
- The man is an animal. He's sick.
All right. I'll give you the money.
Soon as I call Lom...
Mr. Lombino.
To check you out.
Fine. Actually, perfect.
I can hear Mr. Lombino now:
"Skelton just called me to check on Chip."
Mr. Lombino, please. Skelton.
"I guess Chip wasn't so hot.
Guess I'll have to put that animal Mario
back on Skelton."
No. Wait. Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike.
Mr. Skelton. No, wait a minute. We don't
want Mario to come, the bald giant...
...with stupid sunglasses,
knocking everybody around for kicks.
Nobody's stupid enough to do this
for a few K.
They gotta know Mario's gonna
pull out their livers. I mean, you know...
I think that I might be right on this
so, you know...
Six thousand. Short shipment.
Thanks. Come on, Earl.
You know, when I first heard the rumors
about Lombino being back in town...
...I said, "No way." The man
never leaves his haven in Nevada.
But now that I see you,
I know it must be true.
He's come to put his house in order.
And that's why the man is king.
Drugs, protection, you name it.
Lombino is king.
- Tell him I said so.
- Yeah.
Anything Lombino touches turns to gold.
King Lombino.
That's why he's the king, right?
- Tell him I said so.
- I will, John.
See you later. Take care of your head.
Grimm, baby, I never thought
we'd get out of there. Never.
Oh, honey.
Phyllis is back.
You just ripped off the Mob.
You were born for this.
Oh, Grimm. It must be in your genes.
This is lucky. Let's make this.
I can make it. I can make it.
I can't make it.
I can't...
okay, I can make it.
What's that smell?
Used wine. Do you go to the airport?
- Near the airport.
- Great. We're on a roll.
You have exact change, right?
Give him $ 1 oo.
Hurry.
Hurry.
That isn't exact change.
Have you looked back there?
I don't think anybody's going to object.
I look back there every night.
That's why I conduct my own affairs
in a hygienic fashion.
I leave this stop in one minute
and 45 seconds.
Exact change, or off.
All right. Give me a minute.
I'll go get change.
I'll give you a minute and 28 seconds.
Loomis. Can't you kneel?
No. I can sit.
You can't sit. Not till you pay the fare.
- I'm sorry.
- Watch where you're going.
- I'm sorry. I was going the wrong way.
- No problem.
- I just need some change.
- Hey, wait your turn.
You have to buy something, anyway.
Fifty-two seconds.
Ninety-eight sixty-two.
Oh, and I need a can of Maxwell House.
No, no. The decaf, over there.
There it is.
Yeah, that's it.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Oh, you're awfully sweet to do this.
Thank you.
I can do.
He ain't gonna make it.
Twenty-six seconds.
- Get the hell out of here!
- Mario, no!
How about this guy?
Oh, I can't look!
I don't know. That's him right there!
You son of a bitch!
- That's it.
- No, wait! No, please, wait!
Close the door.
He's waiting for another bus.
The guy's a thief!
- Close the door. Let's go.
- Behind the white line.
He stole...!
- I got him.
- He's a thief, he stole something from me!
He jumped from the cab?
My boss'll have your job!
How's it going, Rotzinger?
- Unbelievable.
- You know him?
Mario Monetti,
bagman for Vince Lombino.
Lombino? He's in Nevada, right?
Yeah, supposedly somewhere in Nevada.
He got out just as I was about
to collar him.
Still takes more out of this town in a day
than the clown could get in a week.
You're sure that's the guy
that jumped from the cab?
The cabbie ID'd him, sir.
Come on.
May I ask you a question?
- Get behind the white line.
- Oh, please. Come on. Go, just go.
My mom used to do this.
Just like this.
You should have a kid, Phyllis.
Funny you should say that.
Really?
Sit back.
- Well, Grimm didn't tell me.
- Grimm doesn't know.
I didn't want to tell him
till after the job.
Well, tell him now.
I'm not gonna tell him at all.
Don't you love him?
My sister always told me...
...there's the type of guy
you're crazy about...
...and there's the type you marry.
Because if he's that exciting,
you just can't trust him.
But I told her, you can have both.
And when I met Grimm,
I thought I did.
But there's a limit. I mean,
you said it yourself, Loomis.
He's born for this.
I'm just one of his gang now.
Oh, God. Something I said,
you're gonna let that influence you?
Oh, this is all my fault.
Oh, no. Come here.
Nothing's your fault.
Except you honked the fucking horn.
- When you say "near the airport"...?
- Point 48 miles.
- All right. When do we get there?
- 223o hours.
- When is that in human time?
- 1 o:3o.
- Say you had to walk it.
- With that injured individual?
- I can't give you a precise figure.
- Make a guess.
- Twenty-one minutes.
- Thank you.
This isn't my usual route.
My husband's in intensive care.
- You're gonna even that out, aren't you?
- Mind your own business.
What'd he say?
His estimate, which I accept, gets us
to the terminal at nine minutes of 11.
Nine minutes?
We'll have 9 months... Minutes?
How come I've heard that name
"Lombino" before?
You remember this guy.
He shot out his brother's eyeball over
a plate of Fra Diavolo sauce at Umberto's.
I can't believe our luck,
to walk into his place, all unsuspecting.
His place?
You've walked into his places
all unsuspecting many, many times.
He owns restaurants, bars, supermarkets.
The man owns preschools in this town.
Do you work for the clown
or does he work for you?
Does the clown work for Lombino too?
What clown?
Very convincing, Monetti.
I guess we should apologize
and let you go now.
Yeah, right.
Get over there, scumbag.
Get up there.
He's in on it, sir.
He wouldn't tell us a goddamn thing.
You idiot. This man doesn't speak
a word of English.
Come on... Here. Relax, fella. Sit down.
Didn't I tell you to get me
an interpreter?
I thought you said "interrogator."
That's all he says.
Come on. Give me the keys to the cuffs.
Get him a soda, will you?
Probably left your own country to escape
just this type of persecution.
Damn it. Get me an interpreter.
Don't you realize the robbers told
this man their destination?
Even if they did, sir,
he wouldn't have understood a word.
- I don't even know what language he talks.
- Get me an interpreter!
Here, fella. Drink that.
All right.
Who was the clown? Tell me now.
What the hell is this, Rotzinger?
Since when is it illegal to run for a bus?
- A bus?
- Yeah.
Since when is that a crime? A bus.
They're on a "blufftoney."
I don't have time for this.
Driver, I'm a little disappointed in you!
He wasn't really awake.
Don't you think we should
put him on formula?
By the way...
...how do you feel about kids?
How can you ask me that now?
I'm sorry.
I happen to think the slammer
is a bad environment for them.
Don't pop a stitch.
We're on our way to the airport.
- Near the airport.
- Loomis is asleep. He can't do anything.
- Except blurt out a total confession.
- You think that's gonna matter here?
Come on. Relax.
We're home free.
Grimm...
...I'm not coming with you.
What?
Jesus!
No. No, son.
I don't have time for this.
- You poor son of a bitch. Come here.
- Him?
Come on. I got a schedule to keep.
- What can I do to help?
- Behind the white line!
- Listen, I'll pay his fare.
- Fine.
- You have exact change?
- You better get some help!
- You've become Ralph Kramden's evil twin.
- All right.
- Come on, son. Come on.
- Look.
There's $6ooo here. Okay? It's real. I know
how this city degrades the individual.
- It is appalling.
- Come on.
Take this and start a new life for yourself.
Somewhere off this bus, okay?
Come on! You're gonna break your guitar.
Come on.
There you go. Come on.
We got a schedule. Come on.
Let's move. Come on.
We will quietly pull over and board
all Number Nine buses.
We do not want another
hostage situation.
Is this the kind of person that you are?
We lose a little time, and all of a sudden
it's every girl for herself.
Yeah, that's me.
Well, if you stay behind,
you're gonna get caught.
I'll take my chances.
Why don't you tell me what I've done?
What is it that you want?
I just want you to leave me alone.
Move it! Today!
However, I will stay with you
a little while longer.
The thing is, Loomis,
we lost a little time.
Do you think you can walk any faster?
I'm sorry, Grimm.
I can't.
- You're not gonna hit me again, are you?
- Nobody's gonna hurt you.
- Again? I haven't hit anybody since I was 9.
- Yeah, but it was me you hit.
You threatened him,
and he's been through a lot.
Oh, are you still here?
Just promise him.
I promise.
- Was that our plane?
- No, no.
If it were our plane, it'd be crashing.
Where is the airport?
How far?
There must be a lot of competition
for that corner.
Man, thank God she's not
too symbolic or anything.
What does it mean anyway, Grimm?
I sure couldn't tell you.
You know, Grimm.
It means "flowers for the dead."
Oh, God!
We're all gonna die!
We're all gonna die!
Give him a moment.
He's getting his second wind.
Wait a minute. Phyllis can't ride
on that thing, not in her condition.
Hold on to your transfer to reboard.
Hold on to your transfer to reboard.
Hold on to your transfer to reboard.
Move right along.
Hold on to your transfer to reboard.
- There you go. Move along.
- Chief, you'll wanna hear this one.
- Why, you got something?
- Damn right, I do.
We're going to the airport.
I'm taking your car.
Need him to make an ID.
- You mean you weren't even gonna tell me?
- I wanted to, Grimm.
But when? Before the bank?
Just to add some pressure?
And what about after?
I tried to tell you several times...
...but you were too busy being complete.
Grimm, I gotta get this money
off my body.
We'll get you a duffel bag or something
after we get past the x-ray machines.
How many months?
Phyllis, please.
- They haven't boarded yet.
- Let them.
That means they'll pass the metal detectors.
They'll be trapped and unarmed.
I'll make the arrest onboard, quietly and
alone, before they know what's happening.
- It's my baby too!
- Jesus, this is a fairly young guy.
I've got trained anti-terrorist squads
who are prepared to deal...
...with this kind of thing.
- I want this.
Frankly...
...I need it, after today.
- Thank you, Roy.
- Got it.
Roy's gonna get us the duffel bag...
...a wheelchair and skis out of lost luggage
to cover your limp.
- You give him a couple of bucks?
- Try 12oo.
Scary, but Roy's sixth sense told him
we were in a jam.
ESP exists, Grimm. They proved it.
You picking up anything from me right now?
I'm gonna get boarding passes.
Am I gonna see you in there?
I'll make sure the Amazing Kreskin
gets inside.
Good.
Now what?
Hey, clown!
Get the hell back in line.
I just have one question.
Is there a problem, sir?
- Too many passengers, I'm afraid.
- Yeah, you'd better be afraid.
Nobody does this to Russ Crane.
Nobody does this to Mrs. Russ Crane,
you glorified stewardess, you!
What's the matter with you,
you afraid to do a man's job?
Right through there.
- Name, please?
- Oh, thank you.
Yes. Grimm.
The cops are looking for two men
and a woman, so let's split up.
Okay. I'll say goodbye now.
- Are you crazy?
- I'm sorry. Do you think this is easy?
- What did I do tonight that you didn't?
- Turned into Jimmy Cagney.
That bank was just a springboard for you.
You know, you ripped off the Mob...
...you bribed Roy, you totally demoralized
that guy Edison, and he had the gun.
You stole that watch.
I bought it, and the Edisons will have
better sex than they've had since Altamont.
Whatever I did, I did it so that
we could all leave here together.
Do you think I should just
be a bumbling idiot?
I just think you're not gonna
be able to go back to what you were.
I'm not! I'm going to Martinique
with a million bucks taped to my butt...
...unless you keep screwing around,
in which case, we'll all go to jail.
- Grimm, I'm thinking of the baby!
- He'll be 3 when you get out.
Foster families are great, unless you
get a mercenary or religious nut.
He can visit you. You can show him
how to make license plates.
Thank God you're reaching out
to me with love and understanding...
...instead of just trying to scare me.
It's all I have time for.
Now, one of us has to take Loomis
and push him. Why don't you.
The men's room, Grimm.
I'll freak out if I don't get
this money off me.
Oh, shit.
Meet me on the plane
in two minutes, okay?
Please?
You were hard on her.
It was the only way to make sure
in the time allotted.
Maybe you should've told her you loved her.
Maybe that was the way to make sure.
Oh, Jesus, Loomis.
Now you tell me.
All right. Just once more.
- No.
- Please?
- Ready? I'll go real fast. Please?
- No.
Yeah. Come on. Now!
All right. Attaboy.
Now help me zip this up.
You people can keep this city!
- Hi.
- You think you're late enough?
Oh, you must be from around here.
We'll just go
and have a great time anyway, huh?
Right, Grimm.
Oh, this was not my idea.
This was not the plan.
I'm sorry, Grimm.
- Give me three minutes before you come in.
- Got it.
You go. Just promise me you'll see
a doctor as soon as you get there, okay?
No. We were all gonna go together.
Hey, you two with the mileage upgrades,
sit down.
You believe the filth they let into first?
Do you mind?
Come here, Loomis.
Look at you. I mean,
you have to get away, now.
When I find Phyllis...
- lf I find Phyllis...
- Yeah, I mind.
You goddamn straphangers are ruining
Mrs. Crane's beverage service!
You okay, baby?
Your bloody mary's not too spicy, is it?
That's my girl.
See you soon. Get a tan.
Moisturize before you peel.
Wait, Grimm.
We can find her together.
Oh, look.
It's...
I hate to do this to you, babe.
You'll never take me alive, Rotzinger.
- Save yourself the disgrace, Lombino.
- It's the king.
Vince, you fucking worm!
- He's come for the king.
- You snake!
Even if you get past me,
there are 5o cops waiting outside.
All right, Rotzinger. My turn!
Still got another minute.
As we prepare for departure,
we ask that you pay close attention...
You rat! You creep!
Can you hit him with something else?
Give me!
Thank God!
I did it with Mario, Vinnie.
When you were playing cards
with your stinking goombahs!
Nobody does that to Mrs. Russ Crane.
Quit making him angry!
It's thicker, Vinnie. It's thicker than
his neck and a lot more powerful.
Phyllis.
Phyllis, they just caught this guy.
Give me that goddamn...
All right.
Vince Lombino, a.k.a. Russ Crane...
...you're under arrest for murder
in first degree and second degree...
...arson, pandering, sale of weapons,
felonious assault...
...blackmail...
- Use of spouse as a shield.
Mario, how come you squealed,
tough guy?
Screw you.
That's him.
Don't matter what he's saying.
Throw him in the car.
- He's just along for the ride. Come on!
- Angie!
- Angel!
- Come on!
- Is Mrs. Lombino okay up there?
- Hey! Hey!
Angie! I love you, baby!
I love you!
I love you, Angie!
Hey, hold it, my friend.
Thanks for the assist.
- No problem.
- I'd like to give you a commendation.
What's your name and address?
Oh, that's great.
- Dan...
- Dan.
...Chipowski.
S-K-I...
...ending.
And it's 111 Astoria Boulevard,
Queens, New York...
...111 o1.
Okay, Dan. Wish there were
more like you.
Don't say that.
Come on, James.
Hey, it's Rotzinger!
- Are you running for mayor?
- Is this the greatest day in your career?
- Who the hell called these guys?
- I did, sir.
Hey, remember, we gotta
commend this "Cipowski."
I mean, Chipowski.