Voila! Finally, the Ruthless People
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Bette Midler movie This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Ruthless People. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Hey
Stand up
Hey
Ruthless People
Ruthless People
Greedy
forever and ever
Success
Greedy
and ever so clever
A mess
Keepin' their right
to creep into paradise
They'll even
blackmail St. Peter
They'll pay any price
Hey
Stand up
Come and see
Ruthless People
Greed and evil
oh yeah
You can have it
if you want it
It might take
the rest of your life
If you want it
you can have it
Do a balancing act
on a knife
You can have it
if you want it
It fits and gets cheap
at the price
If you want it
you can have it
Despite your sweet soul
and your lies
Ruthless People
Ruthless People
Carol, did I ever tell you
why I married her?
Yes, Sam, you told me
many, many -
Her father was
very, very rich...
and very, very sick.
The doctors assured me
he'd be dead any minute.
There wasn't
a second to lose.
I rushed right out and
married the boss's daughter.
He was so sick!
It was like the angel of death
was sittin' in the room with him,
watchin' the clock.
They pulled the plug
on him.
He wheezed and shook
for about an hour.
And then...
he stabilized.
That son of a bitch
just got older and sicker.
And older and sicker!
And older and sicker!
- More coffee, sir?
- No!
I couldn't wait around any longer.
I went out and made my own fortune.
The old fart hung in there
for years!
Finally died
of natural causes.
I want the rest
of that money!
His money, her money,
it's my money!
I had to live with that squealing,
corpulent little toad all these years!
God, I hate that woman!
I-I-I-
I hate the way
she licks stamps.
I hate her furniture.
And I hate that little sound
she makes when she sleeps.
[ Snorting, Baa-ing ]
Ohhh!
And that filthy, little
shitbag dog of hers... Muffy!
- Aren't you scared?
- Scared?
Hell, no.
I'm lookin' forward to it.
My only regret, Carol,
is that the plan
isn't more violent.
Don't you consider throwing
a body off a cliff in the
dead of night violent?
Nah! She'll be unconscious,
knocked out from the chloroform.
I'm talkin' about
hands-on involvement.
Hands-on?
Ohh. Ohh!
Oh-ho!
[ Snort ]
[ Whispering ]
I'm goin' now. I can't wait.
Good luck.
Barbara, dear,
I have something for you.
Barbara?
Where are you, dearest?
I have something for you.
Honey?
Barbara?
Dumpling?
Barbara?
No notes,
no messages.
This is not like you,
you meticulous bitch!
It's just like that woman
to screw this up.
Damn it!
What are you doin' here?
Mining the carpet
with little poodle bombs?
Here! Take a whiff of this,
you little fruitcake.
I'll kill you!
- [ Yipping ]
- I'll wring your neck!
You hairy rat!
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello.
- [ Man ] Mr. Stone?
Listen very carefully.
We have kidnapped your wife.
We have no qualms about
killing and will do so
at the slightest provocation.
- Do you understand?
- Who the hell is this?
Is this some joke?
I have no patience for
stupid questions, Mr. Stone, and
I don't like repeating myself.
Do you understand?
All right, I'm sorry.
Please continue.
You are to obtain a new, black
American Tourister briefcase,
- model number .
Do you understand?
- Yes.
In it you will place
$ in unmarked,
nonsequentially
numbered $ bills.
- Do you understand?
- Sure.
Monday morning at
: a.m., you will proceed
with case in hand,
to Hope Street Plaza and
wait for a phone to ring.
You will receive
further instructions then.
- Do you understand?
- Yes, I do.
You'll be watched at
all phases of execution.
If anyone is with you or if
any action is not carried out
to our complete satisfaction,
it will be considered
an infraction of the rules,
and your wife will be killed.
- Do you understand?
- I believe so.
If you notify the police,
your wife will be killed.
If you notify the media,
she will be killed.
If you deviate from our
instructions in any way
whatsoever, she will be killed.
- Do you understand?
- Perfectly.
[ Sirens ]
{ Reporter }
Just minutes ago,
Mr. Stone received a call...
from a man demanding
a ransom for his wife, Barbara.
[ Muffled Cries ]
- [ Groan ]
- Kenny!
{ Barbara Struggling }
[ Grunting ]
Grab her legs.
[ Muffled Cries Continue ]
Aah!
Do you think
she's dead?
[ Muffled Cries ]
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
{ Muffled Cries Continue }
[ Muffled Cries ]
You fucked
with the wrong person!
My husband does business
with the Mafia.
When they track you down,
you, your entire family,
everyone you ever knew...
will all get chain saw enemas
and that's not all!
Oh, my God!
I've been abducted by Huey and Duey.
An--
[ Sniffing ]
Jesus Christ!
It smells like a toilet in here!
- It's just the ammonia.
- We scrubbed down here for hours
on our hands and knees,
{ Kenny }
For God's sake.
My husband worships
the ground I walk on!
Wait till he hears about this!
He will explo-o-ode!
Bye-bye, Barbara.
[ Snickering ]
In local news, a kidnapping
today in Bel Air.
Police tell us this woman,
Barbara Stone,
the wife of clothing tycoon,
Sam Stone,
was abducted earlier today
from the couple's estate
on Bellagio Drive.
Preliminary sources indicated
that Mr. Stone was contacted
late this afternoon...
and that a ransom demand
has been made. Police officials--
[ Newscaster ]
...kill Mrs. Stone
if demands were not met.
It's on every
goddamn channel!
Millionaire heiress, Barbara Stone,
has been kidnapped...
from her
Bel Air mansion.
What'd he do,
hire a publicist?
I feel terrible.
Do you feel as guilty as I do?
Guilty?
Are you kidding?
He takes our money,
steals your idea,
goes out and makes
a million dollars,
and you feel guilty?
I can't
believe it!
- How many times
have we been over this?
- Oh, honey, not again.
Let me remind you
of something.
You are the spandex
miniskirt king.
Not him.
He is the spandex miniskirt thief.
He's the one
who should feel guilty.
Look at this.
Do you remember this?
You cried for a week
when you saw this. Look at
the smile on that asshole.
I know he stole it, but she
really didn't do anything.
She was his partner!
Oh, damn it, Sandy.
Do you enjoy
getting stepped on? Do you?
'Cause I don't,
and I don't feel guilty.
I take it back.
I do feel guilty.
I feel very guilty.
I trusted a sleazeball
like Sam Stone...
with our life savings
on a handshake deal,
and then sat there
and watched him take it
all away from us.
But that's over.
We know better now.
From now on,
we trust no one.
To hell with everybody else.
We've got to be ruthless.
- Think ruthless.
- What if I can't think ruthless?
You've got to. It's good for you.
It makes you strong.
What the hell's the sense
of being a decent person
when nobody else is?
Let's be assholes
and get rich!
- [ Squealing, Moaning ]
- { Whirring Noises }
Oh, oh! I'm crazy about you,
you big galoot!
Ooh, you were
somethin' today!
- Yeah, it just doesn't get
any better than this.
- Mmm.
I'm gonna take
a quick shower.
- Can you be ready
by the time I get out?
- Ready?
You're getting ready
for Sam.
The video equipment,
remember?
- Tonight's the night.
- Oh yeah, I knew that.
- Now, do you remember
where I told you to go?
- Yeah.
- The old deserted bridge
near the Hollywood sign.
- That's right.
You wait for him there.
He'll be in some rented car.
He's afraid of getting blood
on his sports car.
Get in as close
as you can.
It's important you get
a good shot of his face.
If we can't recognize him,
we can't blackmail him.
You get that videotape of Sam
finishing off his wife,
and that man will give us
anything we want...
for the rest of his life.
Yeah, then we're off
to Haiti.
Not Haiti, Tahiti!
I knew that.
The passports
came today.
Cool.
[ Indistinct Chatter]
- Frank, glad you're here.
- What have we got?
We found a chloroform-soaked
handkerchief stuffed
way down in the garbage,
and a tire print on the lawn,
a good one. I'm having the lab
check it out.
And we found a few drops
of blood in the kitchen.
- Where's Mr. Stone?
- He's upstairs.
He seems
pretty upset.
{ Rock }
- { Knocking }
- Yes?
{ Policeman }
Mr. Stone, Lieutenant Bender
and Walters are here.
They'd like to start
as soon as possible.
I'll be right there.
Ow!
Oh, oh!
[ Groaning ]
[ Feigned Sobbing ]
[ Mumbling ]
Hee-hee-hee.
- I like to hear a woman
make a lot of sound.
- Uh-huh.
I'll scream my head off
if you want to, honey.
It's your money.
My wife just lays there
like a gunnysack.
[ Moaning ]
Oh, my God.
She isn't dead yet.
- [ Groaning ]
- He's gonna kill her right here!
{ Moaning, Yelling }
{ Woman Screaming }
Oh, oh.
[ Whining ]
[ Woman Moaning ]
{ Woman Screaming }
[ Groaning ]
[ Moaning,
Horn Honking ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Retching ]
I have no enemies,
at least none that I know of.
I-- I'm a businessman.
I manufacture
women's sportswear.
[ Policeman ]
I think I've heard of you.
Don't they call you
the "spandex king"?
The "spandex miniskirt king."
You probably read
one of the articles.
Yeah, it was all his idea...
spandex miniskirts.
Was there anybody here
today when you came home?
Servants?
- Maids?
- { Sam } It was the maid's day off.
Did you notice anything
out of the ordinary
when you came home?
No, not that
I can remember.
- What time did you come home?
- It's the dog!
She isn't
properly house-trained.
No, it's sweet.
The dog's
a little diabetic.
I think it's wine...
- Or--
- Oh, I know what that must be.
I-- I closed a very
important business deal...
this morning and
when I came home...
I opened a bottle of champagne
and--and as I was...
walking through the house,
celebrating,
I called to Barbara to come
and share the moment with me.
She never came.
Those monsters!
[ Sobbing ]
{ Sam Sobbing }
Earl!
It was horrible.
- She wasn't drugged or anything.
- What happened?
She screamed
and screamed.
God, it took forever.
It must have lasted... two minutes.
He kept stopping and starting.
She'd be at the brink of death
and he'd stop,
let her catch her breath
then start into her again!
She'd scream
louder and louder and then,
when she finally died,
he looked so satisfied
I thought he was gonna
light up a cigarette afterwards.
Son of a bitch
enjoyed it!
Sam's just been on TV
claiming she was kidnapped.
She wasn't kidnapped.
He killed her. I saw it.
Honey, I know.
It's just an alibi.
He just said that
to throw the police off his trail.
You gonna watch that
right now?
- I think I should.
- Baby, you don't wanna see it.
- It'll make you sick.
- I think I can take it.
Oh, no!
- [ Woman On Video Screaming ]
- [ Retching ]
- [ Screaming ]
- Ooh! I can't watch this.
{ Doorbell }
He actually
went through with it.
{ Gasping }
- Stay in here. Don't come out.
- What?
Sam's here!
Ta-da!
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay
My, oh, my
what a wonderful day
I've just been
watching you on TV.
- You saw it, huh?
- Good performance, Sam.
What a story!
Barbara Stone kidnapped!
I couldn't have made up
anything better. It's brilliant!
And the press
loves it.
- Well, that's very clever, Sam.
- It's inspired!
Imagine, someone
demanding money from me
to keep Barbara alive.
Unbelievable!
Idiots!
Come on,
let's have a drink.
I can't stay long.
I've gotta get back
and look sad.
- Are you sure
the police believed you?
- They ate it up!
I fed 'em a banquet
of bullshit.
I threw 'em off by miles.
All I have to do now...
is just sit back
and do nothing,
except, of course,
I have to show up at the
fictitious ransom drop.
- You made up
your own ransom drop?
- Naturally!
I got news for you,
Carol.
That woman
ain't comin' back.
- I know.
- [ Chuckling ]
Did you have
any trouble?
No, I'm tellin' you
I enjoyed it.
- I'm havin' fun!
- { Cork Pops }
We'll clean the rug,
honey.
{ Chuckling }
For you, my cupcake.
To the kidnappers.
To the future
Mrs. Sam Stone.
Whoops!
I gotta run. I'm sorry, honey.
I was hopin' we'd have time
for little... poke in the whiskers.
- What a shame.
- I'll take a rain check,
and a few
of these bonbons.
Zip-a-dee-doo-dah
Zip-a-dee-ay
{ Announcer }
Rock always whines abuse
at the opponent too.
{ Announcer }
Yes, and I think Murdo's
gonna get a taste of it tonight.
Ooh my, look at
all that hair,
or, uh, fur,
if you would.
{ Crowd Cheering }
{ Announcer }
He doesn't need a coat in wintertime.
He'll just walk around
like that and have plenty of heat.
You okay?
[ Sighs ]
- She's out!
- Help, police!
- Get the chloroform!
-{ Sandy } Come back, honey.
Police!
Somebody help me!
- [ Groaning ]
- Get me the police.
I've been kidnapped.
How the hell do I know
where I am?
Good.
Now, be quiet
and don't move.
Nice faces...
Nice easily-identifiable faces.
- Boo!
- I can't do this anymore!
Ow!
God, that hurts!
[ Groaning ]
- Aaah!
- Aaah!
[ Whirring ]
[ High-Speed Whirring ]
Whee-aaah!
Oh! Ahh!
[ Muffled Scream ]
Aaah!
[ Screaming ]
[ Groaning ]
This is Sergeant Blake
at the lab.
I'd like a purchase search
on Uniroyal model NXP.
That's right,
for all of L.A. County.
{ TV Announcer }
This is Action News Break.
Police are now at the scene of
a brutal murder in Inglewood...
they believe may be the result
of another attack by
the "bedroom killer".
Investigators are asking anyone
who may have seen this man
to contact them at - .
Police have also issued
a warning that this man
is extremely dangerous,
and citizens should not attempt
to apprehend him.
This is Action News Break.
I'm Rick DeReyes.
Away it goes!
Trying to beat--
Money, better times, girls.
Six. Keep going.
Steady, nice and tall.
Come on, and knees up,
feet straight. Get those heels down.
And pull those abdominals in.
Pull 'em in, suck 'em up.
If you're still on that couch
eating that doughnut,
put it down
and get up!
Three, four,
standing nice and tall.
Heels down and front.
Come on, reach.
Shh, shh, shh.
Come on, get those
pepperoni thighs nice and high.
And reach!
Do it a little higher.
Squeeze those buns.
Remember, if you don't,
no one else will.
[ Panting ]
- And don't forget to breathe.
- [ Gasping, Panting ]
What if he
doesn't show?
Oh, well then
you get to keep her.
Everything's
gonna work.
I'll call you.
Sandy,
he's gonna show!
It's his wife.
{ Phone Ringing }
Where are you, Sam?
[ Ringing ]
You son of a bitch!
I'm gonna turn
your transmitter on.
- He can't see the microphone?
- No, it looks fine.
Mr. Stone,
telephone.
- Hello?
- [ Kenny ] Mr. Stone, we had a meeting.
Hang on, will ya, Harry?
I have some friends here.
Call me on my office line,
- . Right?
Business associate.
- .
- .
[ Ringing ]
Hello?
Mr. Stone, why have you
failed to appear at the
designated destination?
Ahem. I just
couldn't make it.
The cops are there,
aren't they?
That's right, the cops
are here, reporters too.
All right, Mr. Stone.
I'm a reasonable man.
I'm gonna give you
one more chance.
We will reschedule
our rendezvous for Wednesday.
- Do you understand?
- You're rescheduling?
Yes, I am.
- So, she's still alive?
- She's in perfect health.
Uh, in our
previous discussion,
you mentioned that
you would, uh...
kill my wife if procedure
wasn't followed accurately.
- That's correct.
- And that still goes?
-Definitely!
-Uh, what method would you use?
How would
you kill her?
A bullet through the head
at close range.
That would do it,
no question.
Um, well,
you've got me convinced.
- Until Wednesday.
- Until Wednesday, then.
Muffy,
you've taken your
last piss on my rug.
Tell Mr. Stone it's time
to leave for the ransom drop.
- I hope he's not--
- { Gunshots }
- Oh, my God!
-{ Gunshots }
[ Yelping ]
It just--
It just went off.
{"Dance Champion" Performed
By Kool And The Gang}
{ Honking }
Coast to coast
via satellite
The greatest show
in town
Tonight we crown
the champion,yeah
So spread
the word around
Who's the best
passed the test
Who's got that look
in their eyes
Better give him
a call.
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello?
- This is Bender.
It's been over an hour
and he hasn't shown up.
If they haven't come by now,
I don't think they're gonna show.
Why don't you go on home?
We'll send an unmarked car
to follow you.
All right.
All right.
Give me all your money, Jack!
Come on, before I kill you.
Come on!
Come on!
- Here you go.
- Give me your wallet.
Come on, before I stick this
right through your back.
- All right, here you go. My wallet.
- Give me all your jewelry,
-your watch, rings, everything.
-Jewelry, watch.
You want my underwear too,
you piece of shit? Here.
You know, this town has got
some Neighborhood Watch!
I brought you
some more magazines.
More magazines?
How long do you plan on
keeping me down here?
Well, as soon as
Mr. Stone pays the ransom.
- It should be Monday.
- Good. I'd hate to miss
my doctor's appointment.
Doctor's appointment?
Why, do you need medication?
I get a
urine injection.
You get
urine injected?
- Why?
- It promotes weight loss.
- Does it work?
- Yeah, it works!
"Lancome throat and
firming massage cream.
Sperm whale oil.
Royal queen bee jelly."
I can't get you these things.
We can't afford it.
That's not my problem,
it's yours.
Supply these things
and I will tell the jury
you acted humanely.
It might make the difference
between life...
and the chair!
[ Groaning ]
Or the gas chamber.
Ssss.
{ Gasping,
Choking }
Sometimes,
if it's a firing squad,
they miss all
the major arteries.
Bang!
And you don't die right away.
You kinda just...
hang on, bleeding.
Bleeding.
[ Gasping ]
Bleeding...
[ Screaming ]
- Endlessly.
- { Screaming, Crashing }
Now, I want you to mail this
from across town.
I don't want him seeing
a postmark from my neighborhood.
Right. You're
good at this.
- We can't be too careful with Sam.
He's a very suspicious man.
- Yeah.
- I've got to see him one more time.
- You do?
If I don't see him
on his birthday, he'll be
very, very suspicious.
He'll be expecting
his usual present.
{ Sandy }
It's been horrible.
No matter what I do
or as nice as I can be,
she just
tears into me.
- She hates me.
- Sandy, you're her kidnapper.
She's supposed
to hate you.
I'll take it.
- Okay.
-Just ignore her.
Heyaah!
- No dinner for you, then.
- Ah, gee whiz!
That really hurts.
I'm a real aficionado
of death-camp cuisine.
Look,
as long as you're here,
why don't you just pretend...
to be a guest.
[ Wolf Whistle ]
Nice butt.
- That's what they'll say.
- I beg your pardon?
Nice butt. That's what
they'll say on your first day...
in the men's club.
- Men's club?
- Mmm.
The San Quentin
country club.
With a cute little rear end
like that, you'll be
the belle of the ball.
Your dance card'll
be filled every day.
You'll be so popular,
making all kinds of
new, close friends.
Big, ugly
hairy friends!
Not that you'll ever see
what they look like,
'cause you'll be facing
the other way.
You're very good
at this.
You should write
children's books.
{ Yelping }
- [ Growling ]
- Get outta here, you crotch wet.
Go on, get!
Goddamn you, dog!
Yes, your attack dogs,
do they just attack people, or can
you get them to attack little dogs?
Oh. Well, what if
you starve them for awhile?
Oh. All right,
thank you.
- [ Beeping ]
- Yeah?
- [ Secretary ]
Miss Farnsworth to see you.
- Send her in.
Happy birthday, Sam.
I brought you
your present.
Oh yeah?
Where is it?
Here it is, Sam.
Does it meet with your satisfaction?
- Mmm.
- Is there anything else you desire?
How 'bout
a big dog?
- Can you get one?
- A big dog?
Yeah, like a Great Dane or a mastiff.
How big does a shepherd get?
Sam, as sexually provocative
as I like to think I am--
I'm not askin' you
to screw the dog, Carol.
It's for me.
{ Rock }
See, that's what I've got,
the Dominator X- .
- It's the best speaker they carry.
- It's really pretty.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah, uh--
- Hi.
- Hi.
Candy's here to get a stereo,
and I'm here to see she
doesn't get ripped off.
Don't worry,
I'm not like the others.
How much did you
want to spend?
- $ .
- $ .
Okay, I think I have an idea
what to show you.
- Let's start with speakers.
- Okay.
Over here, we have a great speaker,
Sentry EV- .
Consumer Stereo has
just rated this a best buy.
- I have a pair myself.
- Yeah, uh, what do you
think of this one?
The Dominator X- ?
The Dominator's a good
marketing idea,
but it's really not
a good speaker.
We give it a % markup,
so we sell it at % off,
give the customer the illusion
he's getting a deal,
and we still make
a bundle.
- But it's so big and impressive!
- Size means very little.
Bigger is not
necessarily better.
I sound like Dr. Ruth.
- You mean the Dominator's
like a, uh--
- Well,
the Dominators are very popular
with men who like to have bigger...
uh--
- Equipment?
- Exactly!
All right,
let's try this one.
Knees bent down,
hips tucked under.
We're gonna work on the waist.
We're gonna loosen it up.
Take the arms left and right.
Out, and reach as far
as you can.
Keep going.
Okay, left.
This time hold it over to the left.
Reach as far as you can.
Reach the right arm
up to it and take it out.
Very slowly twist
through the rib cage.
Slowly lengthen,
lift that right leg up and hold it.
Aaah!
Keep holding it. Great!
Doesn't that feel good?
Muffy?
- Oh, Muffy? [ Kissing Sounds ]
- [ Growling ]
[ Yipping ]
Muffy, meet Adolph.
Adolph, eat Muffy!
{ Barking }
Bon appetit, Adolph.
{ Muffy Yipping }
Junk, garbage,
garbage, junk.
What do we got here?
{ Woman Moaning }
- Oh-ho-ho.
- { Moaning }
{ Screaming }
"I thought you might find
this interesting.
An Anonymous Friend".
- [ Moaning ]
- More!
[ Chuckling ]
- { Hand Vacuum Whirring }
- [ Laughing ]
[ Phone Ringing ]
- Hello.
- { Sam } Carol, I got your tape.
[ Gasp ]
What are you talking about?
The tape...
the videotape.
What makes you think
it was me?
Who else would send me
something like this?
[ Moaning ]
It's Sam.
He's onto us.
How in the hell did you
get this, Carol?
A friend of mine
took it.
It's terrific. I know why
you sent me this tape, honey.
And you know what
I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna do the same
damn thing with you.
And you, too, could
scream your brains out
because no one's gonna hear.
You are gonna be
beggin' me for mercy,
whimpering.
[ Chuckle ]
Oh, here she goes again.
Listen to this.
This is my
favorite part.
[ Screaming, Moaning ]
[ Panting ]
He's gonna kill me.
He's gonna torture me and kill me.
I can't stay here.
I'm gonna have to stay...
at your place.
[ Truck Horn Blasts ]
{ Rockabilly, Indistinct }
Don't worry, honey.
Stay here as long as you want.
Oh, shoot!
Crockett and Tubbs,
they're floatin'.
{ Carol } I can't
just sit here and wait for him...
to track me down
and kill me.
We've got to get Sam
put in jail.
I want you to make
another copy of that tape,
and this one's
for the police.
[ Ringing ]
[ Ringing ]
{ Footsteps }
So, I guess it's just a matter of time
before you're caught,
right, honeybun?
Barbara, I want to ask you
a personal question.
You and
Mr. Stone,
did you get along?
{ Footsteps }
So, what did
she say?
She just
insulted me.
I don't think
he loves her.
Let's face it,
she's not Mother Teresa.
Gandhi would have strangled her.
What are we
gonna do, Kenny?
I'm tired of being scared
all the time every day.
I can't take this
anymore.
I know he's bluffing.
I just know it.
I've got to be
really tough with him.
Never let the seller know
you're hot to trot.
Tell him you
haven't got the money.
{ Phone Ringing }
Hello.
Debbie?
Yeah, Debbie's here.
Who's this?
Well, Ralph, Debbie
can't talk right now.
My dick's in her mouth.
How 'bout if I have
her call you back when I'm done.
I love wrong numbers.
Anyway, tell 'em
you don't have the money,
that it's all tied up
in investments or some crap.
[ Ringing ]
Hang on! A bad salesman
will automatically drop his price.
Bad salesmen make me sick.
Hello.
Mr. Stone,
do you love your wife?
Hang on. Would you excuse me
for a moment, please?
Oh, sure, Mr. Stone.
- { Door Closing }
- Go ahead.
Mr. Stone, you love
your wife, don't you?
Sure, I love my wife.
Mr. Stone, we demand
a satisfactory explanation...
why you haven't shown
with the money.
Look, pal, you're asking a lot
of cash. I haven't got that
kind of money around the house.
It's all tied up
in investments, so, uh, sorry.
Sorry?
What do you mean, sorry?
- No can do.
- What?
No deal. You have to take
your business elsewhere.
- What?
- No "cash-ola".
Uh, wh-wh-what
about, uh... less?
You make me sick.
Make me an offer.
Uh, bring--
Bring...
in unmarked bills...
to the same phone
at noon on Thursday.
Thursday.
Tomorrow's Thursday.
You mean, tomorrow?
Yes, tomorrow!
Bring tomorrow!
And if I don't?
Then the next time you see
your wife, pal, will be in the morgue.
Mr. Stone,
I have bad news.
We think we've found
your wife.
We'll need you to come with us
to identify the body.
That's not her.
{ Walters }
There must be some mistake.
We want the woman who was
brought in this morning.
Oh, Jane Doe ?
She's in the next room.
It looks like her,
a lot like her.
But it's not her.
My Barbara!
She's alive!
{"Modern Woman"
Performed By Billy Joel }
You see her sittin' with
her coffee and her paper
With her high-top sneakers
of Italian design
With her long, cool stare
she aggravates attention
Makes up her face
while she makes up her mind
Now you're in trouble
maybe she's an intellectual
What if she figures out
you're not very smart
Or maybe she's the quiet type
who's into heavy metal
You've got to get it settled
'cause she's breakin' your heart
Don't try
to put on an act
You can't do that
to a modern woman
And you're an
old-fashioned man
She understands
the things you're doin'
She's a modern woman
She's a modern woman
She's a modern woman
{ Woman Moaning }
- [ Moaning ]
- More!
{ Beeping }
Yes?
Sir, there's someone
on the phone. They say
they sent you that tape.
Put 'em through,
please.
Hello.
Hello. Is this
Chief Benton?
Uh, y-yes.
I'm the one who
sent you the tape.
Have you had
a look at it yet?
Yes, I just saw it.
- So, what do you think?
- Well, obviously...
it's very upsetting.
- This whole thing's making me ill.
- I agree.
That poor woman, she had
to go through a living hell.
- I'd rather die a quick death.
- All right! All right!
What do you want
from me?
Well, arresting Sam Stone
would be a good start.
You want me to
arrest Sam Stone?
Any special reason why
I should arrest him?
- For murdering his wife!
- Murder?
Well, uh,
all right, okay.
You know, it's not gonna be easy.
I'll need evidence.
That tape isn't enough
to convince you? Jesus!
Think of the publicity
you'll get.
All right, all right.
I'm convinced.
- I'll have Sam Stone arrested.
- Thank you.
Sam Stone?
- Chief Benton.
- The investigation has
taken a new direction.
We've reason to believe
Stone may have murdered his wife.
- Mr. Stone? Oh, no.
- You heard me.
- I want this placed combed until
something is found. Got it?
- Yes, sir.
[ Yipping ]
Muffy,
there you are.
Ahh.
Where have you been,
huh? Good girl.
Ah, yeah, the big dog
won't hurt you, huh?
He's just a big--
{ Policeman }
Chief Benton!
- What is it?
- I found this in the backyard.
Chloroform.
And Officer Williams
found snapshots...
of Mr. Stone
and another woman.
Really?
Jackpot!
Mr. Kessler?
Ken Kessler?
- Yes?
- We're police officers.
I'm Lt. Bender.
This is Lt. Walters.
May we have a word
with you, please?
Oh, sure.
Uh--
Come upstairs.
We can talk in the salesmen's office.
- [ Kenny ] Have a seat.
- Thank you.
Mr. Kessler,
over a week ago...
a lady named Barbara Stone
was kidnapped from her Bel Air home.
- Are you familiar with the case?
- Yeah, I read about it.
We believe the vehicle
the kidnappers used left a
tire print in her driveway.
We took a mold of that print,
had our lab analyze it, and the
results were rather interesting.
[ Walters ] These are
the prints of the kidnapper's car,
and these are the prints
of your car.
{ Beeper }
Is there a phone
I can use?
Uh, sure,
it's right over there on the desk.
Amazing similarity!
Would you excuse me
for a second?
I've got to go to the bathroom.
I've got a touch of the stomach flu.
Sure, go right ahead.
Chloroform? What
about fingerprints?
Bingo!
We have a winner.
You won't believe this.
They found evidence implicating Stone.
- Stone? You're kidding?
- Chloroform and fingerprints.
I'll be damned.
Let's get out of here.
- Where's Kessler?
- In the john.
- [ Grunting ]
- [ Glass Breaking ]
{ Grunting }
Stomach flu.
Mr. Kessler?
I'll b-be
right out.
Don't bother, sir.
Thank you for your help.
We'll just show
ourselves out.
{ Loud Groaning }
- Hello.
- All right, Mr. Stone.
We came very close
to killing your wife,
but she begged us repeatedly
for just one more chance.
So in the spirit of
compassion and mercy,
we decided not to kill her
just yet.
Compassion and mercy?
What the hell's going on
over there? I thought
you people were ruthless!
- We are, Mr. Stone.
- Then what's this phone call about?
We called to make you
an offer,
- an offer even you can't refuse.
- Oh?
Yeah.
.
Fat chance!
Mr. Stone, this is no joke!
We're desperate people.
I believe this is a joke, pal,
and you're it.
The last time we spoke,
you said my wife would be...
in the morgue
if I didn't pay.
Well, I didn't pay and
today I was at the morgue.
She wasn't there.
You lied to me.
- You know what I think of you?
- No.
You got no nuts!
What do I have to do?
Put a gun in your hand, aim,
and pull your finger down,
you spineless wimp?
I dare you
to kill her!
Now that
oughta do it.
Hey, you?
Wanna sell me a stereo?
- Yeah, I'll sell you a stereo.
- All right.
I'm lookin' for something
real hot. I don't wanna
get ripped off, you know?
Okay.
You're looking for some
real hot speakers, right?
I'm not talking about
something you just listen to.
- I'm talking about the kind
of sound you can feel.
- Yeah!
- You know what I mean.
- Yeah!
When it comes to great stereo,
you can't beat big speakers.
I'm talking about big speakers
with big woofers like this.
You can get this. It has
a nice little eight-inch
woofer, or this ten-incher.
Over here we have
a nice big -inch.
But I can tell by the look
on your face, man, you want
something even bigger.
- Fuck, yeah!
- "Fuck, yeah" is right.
We gotta go to
the big room for this!
The big room!
Check it out, my man.
The flagship of the
entire Dominator line. The MX- .
I have a pair
of these myself.
inches of thigh-slappin',
blood-pumpin' nuclear brain damage!
Bitchin'!
Hey, what's the fucking cost?
That's the bitchin'
part about it. It don't matter.
If you can't afford it,
fuckin' finance it!
[ Loud Hard Rock ]
Yeah!
Whoo!
So what if it's as big
as a Subaru and costs as much!
You'll never have
to trade this in.
This is gonna be with you
for the rest of your life.
And when you die,
they can bury you in it!
I want it!
This guy is okay.
First guy I feel I can really trust.
Wait a minute.
Why don't I show you something else?
They're not very big,
but Consumer Stereo
rates them a best buy.
The Sentry EV- s.
And they're not gonna break you.
Kick it out.
Two more.
That's it!
Whew, I'm pooped.
- Let's take a break.
- Take a break?
Come on, you little wimp!
Let's go!
Here's your lunch.
It's fruit salad.
You seem to like that the most,
although you still don't eat
as much as you should.
My body's become a
more efficient machine.
I go farther with less food.
You must be in
pretty good shape by now.
You certainly look good.
You've lost a lot
of weight.
Huh?
What?
Oh, yeah, you've lost a lot
of weight, at least pounds.
What?
Tw--
Do you have
a scale?
- I don't know how to thank you!
- Thank me?
I've been to...
ten different fat farms in,
God, I don't know
how many years.
And I lost a total,
a total of six pounds.
I have lost
pounds!
I wasn't sure,
but...
it felt thin.
You wouldn't have a--
never mind.
- A-- A what?
- No, no, no.
It's very silly.
No, what?
Please tell me.
All my life I wanted to have
a slinky little figure...
so I could wear some
Bill Blass or Valentino,
some exotic evening gown
like Christian Dior, Jerry Galanos.
Are you kidding me?
You're kidding me, aren't you?
I'm sorry. I know
it's ridiculous to think
that somebody of your,
- well, moderate means--
- I'll be right back.
Just don't go anywhere.
- Sam Stone?
- Yeah?
Mr. Stone,
you're under arrest.
For mixing
cotton with silk?
This is absolutely
beautiful!
Whose design is this?
Is this Bill Blass? Albert Nipon?
- Nah, too conventional.
- Halston?
I know who did it.
Oscar de la Renta.
I designed it.
Get outta here!
Really? Wow!
You're a professional.
- Nah.
- You are! This is sensational.
Do you have any more?
Wait!
I won't do you no harm
no
You've got to be all mine
all mine
Ooh, foxy lady
{ Giggling }
Foxy
So, Sam told you
I was his partner?
No way! He was
just passing the buck.
Oh, God.
So, when do I
get out of here?
As soon as Mr. Stone
pays the ransom.
What's the problem?
What is the ransom?
It, it was $ .
That shouldn't be
a problem.
He complained.
He complained?
And then we dropped our price
to $ .
- Yeah?
- He didn't pay.
He didn't pay?
So now what?
So now...
we're dropping our price again
to $ .
Do I understand this
correctly?
I'm being
marked down?
What is this?
The bargain basement?
I've been kidnapped
by Kmart!
Don't cry, Barbara.
Hey, check it out.
You sure got
a pretty mouth.
All right, Stone,
let's go.
- Hey, was it something I said?
- Yeah.
Although this is
a capital crime,
the accused is an upstanding
member of the community,
a responsible and
successful businessman...
and has never before
posed a threat to society.
Bail will be granted
and set at...
- $ .
- You want to try for a reduction?
No, pay the ticket
and let's get the hell out of here.
That filthy slug!
That screeching little witch!
- That pasty-faced troll!
- The judge?
My wife!
I gotta get her back!
- Sandy?
- Kenny?
It's over. Sam isn't going
to pay the ransom.
He couldn't care less.
I'm no criminal.
I can't even sell retail...
and that's legal.
- We gotta get packing
and get outta here.
- Oh, Kenny!
I've got some very
interesting news for you.
I am the new rising star...
- in high fashion!
- Let's get a grip on ourselves.
Try to be calm. We're
going down to Mexico
for a couple of years.
- We can camp on the beach.
- Does that mean we let Barbara go?
- We're not going
to take her with us.
- Good.
- 'Cause I've already let her go.
- What? You let her go?
{ Kenny }
Oh, my God!
- You didn't let her
just run right out of here?
- Yeah!
- Oh, my God!
- Why not?
She knows where we live.
She'll turn us in.
The police will be here.
You don't understand.
She really likes us now.
I showed her my gowns.
She loves them.
We're all going into
business together.
- We're gonna open our
fall line in Paris.
- She told you this?
Yes. She really,
truly loves me.
She can be trusted.
She's changed!
Changed? What'd you do?
Perform an exorcism?
Ken, she lost
nearly pounds.
Well, you just had to be there.
It was a very special moment.
{ Knocking }
I'm surprised
they knocked.
Good afternoon.
We're wondering if
you've seen this man.
He was sighted in the area
a few weeks ago and then
again this morning.
He's psychotic, extremely
dangerous and violent.
- He's killed half a dozen people.
- I gotta get outta here.
My wife,
she's late for work.
Doesn't look familiar.
Keep this and give us a call
at this number in case you do see him.
Under no circumstances should
you try to subdue him yourself.
He's extremely violent.
He looks it. Thank you
very much, Officer.
Sandy?
It's okay.
It's okay!
They're looking
for somebody else.
I'll get the other suitcase
from the basement.
Hello?
Hello?
Anybody home?
Oh, hello. Are you a friend
of Ken and Sandy's?
You...
look like my mother.
I hate my mother.
No.
{ Whimpering }
[ Gasp ]
You-- You look
just like my father.
I hate my father!
{ Scream }
Jesus.
{ Barbara }
What the hell was that?
{ Sandy }
Honey, don't touch him.
Oh, my God.
It's the bedroom killer.
He told me I look
like his mother.
He hates his mother.
He's dead.
{ Barbara }
So, if I look like his mother...
and you look like
his father,
this is what our son
would look like.
- Pretty strong argument
for birth control.
- What do we do now?
Barbara, what
are you doing here?
{ Barbara }
I got it! I tell you, I've got it.
Listen to this.
All right.
Sam arrives on a motorcycle
wearing shorts, no shoes,
no shirt, nothing.
Maybe we'll just put him
in a jockstrap.
We send him all over town in
the middle of a hot, sunny day.
Sam burns real easily.
He'll be bright red.
I can't believe
this is happening.
{ Barbara }
Then he's got to cover himself
with honey and go to a bee farm.
- We make him dance so
the bees go absolutely nuts!
- I don't think she really--
Then we all watch while
they sting him to death!
Yeah!
Don't we want a punishment
that'll keep stinging him
the rest of his life?
My God, he must've been
seeing this woman for years.
Castrate him!
I want to castrate him.
Wouldn't it be better
if we struck at the core
of Sam's being,
- his reason for living?
- What would that be?
His testicles!
Would you know in
complete detail what Sam's
total net worth would be,
not just the big stuff,
the little stuff too,
down to the last penny?
Yeah...
I think so.
Good. I want you
to write it down in
as much detail as you can.
Fire up the stove.
Get the tofu burgers
from the freezer.
We're calling Sam.
My tux,
my silk tux.
Et tu, Adolph?
Et tu?
[ Whimpering ]
{ Phone Ringing }
- Hello?
- { Kenny } Hi, Sam.
Oh, thank God it's you!
I've been thinking about
your last offer.
I think you're right.
I cannot refuse.
$ is fair
and totally acceptable.
She's in bad shape, Sam.
We've been torturing her.
- [ Sizzling ]
- Aaah!
[ Sizzling ]
- Aaah!
- Don't kill her!
We found out your wife
is worth quite a bit
more than $ .
- What do you mean?
- We changed our minds.
We've upped
the ransom.
- To what?
- We're up to $ million.
$ million?
You outta your fucking mind?
Where'd you get an incredible
figure like that?
Oh, you'd be surprised at
the quality and quantity...
of information a
lit cigarette can provide.
[ Barbara Screaming ]
- [ Kenny ] What else?
- Shh!
Gems! He's got
rare gems in the safe.
Oh, Sam, forgive me.
- What kind of gems? How many?
- I don't know.
- Aaah!
- { Sizzling }
Aaah!
Four flawless
one-karat diamonds!
The bitch blabbed.
Apparently, you got
a million-two built up in
equity on Sam's Sportswear,
another
in your pension plan.
General Dynamics closed
at and / today,
which brings another
to the party.
for the Excalibur
and now there's the four
one-karat diamonds in the safe.
You inhuman slime!
{ Dial Tone }
[ TV Announcer]
After his release yesterday,
Mr. Stone continued
to deny the charges...
despite what the district
attorney's office insists
is overwhelming evidence.
Overwhelming evidence is right!
What more do they want?
How could
they let him go?
- Hello?
- Hello. It's me again.
I see Sam Stone's
been released.
It's not easy keeping a man in jail
with these liberal courts.
A man is innocent
until proven guilty.
Well, how do you think
these courts would feel...
- if I gave that tape to the media?
- Oh, my... God.
Yeah!
They'd go crazy for it.
They love to show
sick stuff like that.
It'd probably be on national TV
hours a day for weeks!
I bet that'd get
a hell of a reaction.
Please, please
don't do that.
Where's your sense
of compassion?
Why do you have
to be so vicious?
Vicious?
Have you seen that tape?
Come on!
What's the big deal?
It's just a lonely man who
wanted a little excitement.
That kind of thing happens every day.
Everybody does it!
I don't believe this.
I don't believe
you said that!
Men get the urge.
- We're only human.
- You're sick.
Hello? No,
don't hang up on me!
- So, what'd he say?
- Something strange
is happening here.
Either the chief
is a complete moron,
and complete
morons are rare,
or he's playing games
with me.
We better find someplace
where we can look at that tape.
- This is perfect.
- It is?
Give me the tape.
Okay.
- [ Moaning ]
- [ Man ] Ho, ho-ho!
- You idiot! This isn't Sam.
- And he isn't killing her.
[ Woman ]
That's my husband!
Barbara really
was kidnapped.
She really was kidnapped!
I didn't kill her.
Please believe me.
You gotta be there.
They're coming
this time for sure.
I think the deli's using
a different mustard.
The last time it was tangier.
Jesus Christ!
I'm pleading for my life...
and you're discussing
the inconsistency of
lunch meat condiments!
Haven't you heard
a word I've said?
{ Phone Ringing }
God!
I'm sorry, Mr. Stone,
but since the house
is in your wife's name,
as well as her other
million in assets,
you're not legally
entitled to it as long
as your wife is alive.
However, you've got
a million-two built up
in equity in your business,
another
in your pension plan.
You'd have no problem
using that as collateral.
All right.
Let's do it!
{ Phone Ringing }
- Hello?
- [ Carol ] Sam?
Carol! Where the hell
have you been?
I've called you times.
Sam, I miss you.
How have you been?
I'm going crazy over
this kidnapping thing.
- And the cops won't do
a damn thing to help me.
- Why?
They don't believe me.
They think I made up
the kidnapping.
They won't even show up
at the ransom drop to see
if I'm telling the truth!
You're gonna be all by
yourself? That's terrible.
How much money
is it?
- $ . million.
- Cash?
Of course it's cash.
Have you ever heard of
a kidnapper taking a check?
Where are you going
to give them the money?
I mean, I, I hope
it isn't dangerous.
I've gotta go to
a phone booth...
on Hope Street Plaza.
{ Ringing }
- Hello?
- [ Barbara ] Sam!
It's so nice to
hear your voice.
How's Muffy?
Listen, Sam,
we don't have much time.
There's a gun
pointed at my head.
They're making me give
the ransom instructions in
case the police are listening.
You must make sure
there are no police,
otherwise they'll kill me.
Nope. No cops.
Now, have you got
all the money?
$ . million in unmarked,
nonsequential bills?
You miserable
scum-sucking pig!
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
They made me say that.
- Yeah, I got all the money.
- It's there in the briefcase?
You scumbag!
You lowlife motherfucker!
Oh dear.
They made me say that too.
- It's in the case, yeah.
- The Rolex too? The gold Rolex?
Who said anything about the Rolex?
They never mentioned the Rolex.
They want the Rolex
and your pinkie ring!
Honey, they tortured me with cigars.
I had to tell them everything.
All right.
What else?
That's it!
Just wait there.
Bag, please.
Come on,
give me the bag!
Freeze!
Put the bag down and
put your hands on your head.
Bender!
They're from the government.
They're here to help you.
I said no police.
Do you know what this means?
{ Kenny }
Stay back.
They touch me and I give
the order to kill! Got it?
Leave me alone
or she's a dead woman.
- You want her blood on your hands?
- What do you think?
- Let's just follow him home.
- Okay, let him go.
What?
- What are you doing?
- Gimme it!
Let go.
Tell him to let go.
- If he doesn't let go
I give the order.
- Go ahead, give the order.
Let go!
She's a dead woman if he doesn't!
All right,
drop it.
Punk.
[ Ringing ]
Hello?
Hello?
This is Lt. Bender.
What are you doing?
I'm taking my money.
You got your man.
The rest is your problem.
Mr. Stone, you may be guilty
of obstructing justice,
aiding and abetting a felon,
accomplice to kidnapping
and possibly murder.
My advice to you is
to drop the gun, give back the bag.
We have officers,
cars and two helicopters.
He won't get away.
- That's better.
- Here!
What are
you doing here?
Tell them to get out
of here! If they don't go, she's dead!
All right, gentlemen,
clear the street, please.
You too, Mr. Stone.
Back away.
That's better.
{ Walters }
You can go now.
Don't follow me.
Understand?
{ Walters }
We understand.
- Don't move!
- Who the hell are you?
What the hell
is going on?
I'm robbing you!
- Stop him!
- { Gunshot }
- Did you shoot at me?
- No, you moron.
There's police all over.
Hundreds of 'em!
Do I look that stupid?
Yes, you do!
If you shot at me,
where's your gun?
Well, you're too sharp for me!
You got me figured out.
I don't have one.
{ Gunshot }
That was
a brand new tire.
Give me your keys.
- I don't believe this!
- { Bender } Give the bag to Bozo,
drop the gun and
put your hands in the air.
Who said that?
This could very well
be the stupidest person
on the face of the earth.
Perhaps we should
shoot him.
{ Bender }
It's the police department.
Really?
No! We're the National
Rifle Association!
Christ!
I'm leaving now.
They said they wouldn't follow me.
Hey
Stand up
Ruthless People
Watch yourself
Hey
Stand up
Ruthless People
Ruthless People
You can have it
if you want it
It might take
the rest of your life
If you want it
you can have it
- Ruthless People
- They're still following me.
I should have known.
I knew this wouldn't work.
You can't trust the police!
Oh, God.
Oh... boy.
- He's cornered and he knows it.
- I hope he doesn't hurt anybody.
I'm not going to jail!
I'm not going to jail!
Oh, my God!
[ Honking ]
Hey, look out!
[ Honking ]
Watch it!
{ Woman }
Somebody help! He'll drown!
- The water's way too cold.
- There's riptides.
- I've seen sharks.
-Somebody call an ambulance.
Look there!
That's money!
My money!
Let's get the coast guard
and fish him out.
You can't do that!
That's not your money!
That's my money!
Stop 'em!
Aaah!
The bedroom killer!
{ Sam }
What about the money?
They recovered a
few thousand dollars.
The rest washed away.
He said if anything
went wrong,
they'd kill Barbara.
Things couldn't have gone more
wrong than this, could they?
That means she's dead.
[ Sobbing ]
[ Laughing ]
- Mrs. Stone!
- I'll be damned!
- Mrs. Stone?
- Yes.
I'm Lt. Walters.
We're glad to see you're okay.
I'm sorry to have to ask
you to do this right now,
but I'm afraid we need you
to identify the body.
Yes!
That's him!
Oh, I could
never forget that face.
What hell
he put me through.
- You're sure he worked alone?
- Positive.
- He mentioned a partner.
- He was schizophrenic.
He thought he had partners.
Where's Sam?
He's over there,
Mrs. Stone.
Would you excuse me
for a moment?
I'd just like to be alone
with my husband.
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
Hello, Sam.
Barbara!
You look terrific!
You think so?
I mean,
-you're so thin.
- Really?
Does it show?
I mean,
you're beautiful!
- Oh, Sam!
- Oh, Barbara!
I hope my marriage
is as strong as theirs after years.
I can't believe
we doubted Stone's
affection for his wife.
- We almost blew it.
Thank God she's alive.
- [ Grunting ]
Ol' buddy, you work,
you put in long hours.
It's a tough beat.
But it all seems worth it
when you get a moment like this.
{ Walters }
Yeah, I love a happy ending.
[ Grunting ]
Barbara!
{ Splash }
{"Modern Woman"}
You see her sittin'
with a coffee and a paper
With her high-top sneakers
of Italian design
With her long, cool stare
she aggravates attention
Makes up her face
while she makes up her mind
Now you're in trouble
maybe she's an intellectual
What if she figures out
you're not very smart
Maybe she's the quiet type
who's into heavy metal
You've got to get it settled
'cause she's breaking your heart
Don't try to
put on an act
You can't do that
to a modern woman
When you're an
old-fashioned man
She understands
the things you're doing
She's a modern woman
She looks sleek
she seems so professional
She's got a lot of confidence
it's easy to see
You want to make a move
but you feel so inferior
'Cause under that exterior
is someone who's sleek
She's got style
she's got her own money
So she's not another honey
you can quickly disarm
She's got the eyes
that make you realize
She won't be hypnotized
by your usual charm
You've got your plan of attack
that won't attract
a modern woman
When you're an
old-fashioned man
She understands
the things you're doin'
She's a modern woman
As time goes by and
you're sharing an apartment
She says she loves you
but she doesn't know why
The morning she gives you
your coffee and your paper
It's a strange situation
for an old-fashioned guy
But times have changed
things are not the same, baby
You won't be changed
it's your bad attitude
Rock'n'roll just used
to be for kicks and
nowadays it's politics
And after
what else could be new
You've got to learn
to relax and face
the facts of a modern woman
And you're an
old-fashioned man
She understands
the things you're doin'
She's a modern woman
She's a modern woman