Voila! Finally, the Scarecrow
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Al Pacino and Gene
Hackman movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Scarecrow. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
How you doing? You okay?
Hi. I知 Francis.
Hey! That's it! That...
Stop! Hold it! Just stay over there!
Hold it! Stop!
Up yours, you two-bit son of a bitch, you!
Eat cantaloupe,
you bellyaching rhinoceros!
Frank, what the hell's up?
I知 out here now, it's five hours.
I don't know what he said.
You talk to him.
Wait a minute. I値l get him on the wire.
Hold on there.
George. What the hell happened?
I talked to him.
I got Frank on the wire here.
You wanna talk to him?
All right, go ahead. Talk.
Okay, boys, this is where we turn.
- You heading east, buddy?
- Sorry, buddy.
No?
Can l have two coffees?
- Wanna go into business?
- Okay. Where?
- Pittsburgh.
- Okay.
I gotta make a stop in Detroit first.
Yeah, well, l gotta go by Denver,
see my sister Coley.
Okay.
Listen, you got a middle name?
- Why?
- Well, l...
l got a little trouble with Francis,
you know. I...
- Lionel.
- Lionel.
Francis Lionel Delbucci.
Okay, Lionel.
- From now on, you are "Lion," okay?
- Okay. Sounds good.
I知 gonna help you out here, young lady.
We really want to get our coffee.
Freezing our ass off.
I値l have some oatmeal.
What do you want?
Some corn flakes with a little milk.
- Oatmeal?
- Yeah, oatmeal.
And some scrambled eggs.
Anything else?
Bacon.
Toast.
Let me get that cream.
- You got any money?
- Yeah. Some. Not much.
That's okay,
because l got enough to get us started.
What kind of business?
Car wash.
- Car wash.
- Yeah.
It's nothing fancy, but everything is there,
and the best, too.
And l got the money to get us rolling.
It'll be "Maxy's Car Wash."
Car wash. Okay.
For every car, there is dirt.
- So we're partners. I think l get this.
- All right.
This your first day?
- Yeah. Partners.
- Great.
But you gotta work, though.
- Ain't afraid of that.
- All right.
- Fair and square, all right?
- Sure.
- What, you been drifting?
- Yeah. I致e been at sea.
- Yeah?
- Five years.
You?
No, l...
- I致e been in the joint.
- Joint?
I was in Quentin.
- How long?
- Six years.
That's a long time.
Why Detroit?
I値l show you something.
Open that up.
- It's a lamp.
- That's right.
Guy's carrying around a lamp in a box.
- For my kid.
- Yeah?
- You got a kid?
- Yeah, in Detroit.
I致e never seen it, so l don't know
if it's a boy or a girl.
That's why l got a lamp.
I figure a lamp would do fine either way,
you know what l mean?
- You never seen the kid, though?
- No.
But l send a lot of money to it.
- All the money l ever earned, l sent.
- Yeah?
Wasn't much, but l knew it helped.
- You got kids?
- No.
Listen, you can make a lot of money
in the car wash business.
Yeah. And you'll do better
than you ever have.
I got it all down to the percent.
I know every penny, inside and out.
It's a foolproof enterprise.
Absolutely foolproof.
All right. Let's get started.
Hey, fella, you got nothing better to do...
than listen in
on other people's conversations?
I gotta tell you something about me.
I知 like the meanest son of a bitch alive.
You know what l mean?
I don't trust anybody. I don't love anybody.
And l can tear the ass
out of a goddamn elephant, too.
- We're gonna be partners, okay?
- Okay.
All right. Come on.
- Right?
- Right.
All right. But...
- you gotta be straight with me, right?
- Sure.
I mean fair and square.
We'll have a real good car wash business.
- Okay?
- Right.
Otherwise, I値l break your back.
Sounds fair.
Like this.
Damn.
- Don't bust my lamp, that's all.
- Yeah.
Can l have a bottle of beer
and a chocolate doughnut?
Do you think there's anything
we can do around here?
- Like, for a job?
- Yeah.
And stay out! I値l kick your ass!
- Son of a bitch, you... Come on out here!
- Get out of here, you bums!
- Go on!
- Get out of here!
Get going!
Hit the pavement!
- Get out of here!
- Come on!
- You're crazy! Get out of here!
- Fuck you!
Man, l didn't start it. I didn't.
- I did, right, Max?
- Yeah.
That bastard.
Bust his goddamn ass for him.
If l could have got a hold
of that fat bastard out in the alley...
I壇 have whipped his ass.
- You get in a lot of fights, don't you?
- You wanna start with me?
Go ahead. Put them up.
Guy must've had false teeth.
First time l got busted was for fighting.
I was screwing this cabdriver's wife.
He came home early.
We ended up out in the street,
and l was naked.
That's a beauty.
I really nailed him.
He was kind of a nice guy, too.
It's a shame.
You don't have to hit people.
Not if you make them laugh.
Bullshit.
Max, you know the story
of the scarecrow?
No.
You think crows are scared
of a scarecrow?
Yeah, l think they're scared. Why?
- No, crows are not scared, believe me.
- No, the goddamn crows are scared.
No. Crows are laughing.
- That's bullshit.
- That's right. Crows are laughing.
Look, the farmer puts out
a scarecrow, right...
with a funny hat on it. Got a funny face.
Crows fly by. They see that,
strikes them funny, makes them laugh.
The goddamn crows are laughing?
That's right. They're laughing
their asses off. Then they say:
"That old farmer Jones down there,
he's a pretty good guy.
"He made us laugh.
So we won't bother him anymore."
- The goddamn crows are laughing.
- They laugh.
I gotta tell you something.
That's the most harebrained idea
I致e ever heard.
Well, it's true. Laughing their asses off.
The crows are laughing at it?
Yeah, man.
- I guess the fish are reciting poetry.
- I guess so.
And the pigs are playing banjo?
And the dogs, let's see...
the dogs would be playing hockey, right?
- And the...
- Crows are laughing.
Crows are laughing. Right.
In the joint, l heard some tales.
Oh, boy, howdy. I heard some tall tales.
But at least those guys in there,
they had the decency to admit...
that that was just bullshit.
You know what l mean?
It was just bullshit.
They actually... They took pride...
Pride in it, that it was bullshit.
But the crows are laughing?
Oh, brother.
I mean, you're not playing
with a full deck, man.
You got one foot in the great beyond.
Max, what do you do when it's cold?
I put on more clothes.
I知 a cold-blooded bastard.
I can never get warm enough.
Gotta take a little nap after every fight.
- What's with the shoe?
- What's with minding your own business?
Boy, some partner l picked.
You didn't pick me. I picked you.
Why?
Because you gave me your last match.
You made me laugh.
The damn crows are laughing.
I remember the first time
l was in Catholic school.
A nun called me up in front of the class,
says, "Francis, stick out your hand."
So l stick out my hand.
She whacks it with a stick.
I said, "What did l do?"
She said, "You were talking."
I said, "No, l wasn't."
She says, "Yes, you were."
I said, "How could l be talking?
I don't know anybody here.
"This is my first day in school."
That's as far as we can take you.
Hey, chief, l thought
you were gonna take us to a town.
This is our town.
No wonder they lost the war.
Nobody can understand them.
- Been eating rice for a year?
- Yeah. We all have.
- My system couldn't handle that.
- No, it's very good for your system.
Look at my baby.
- He's healthy and pure.
- Yeah. Right.
He likes you, Max.
I think your...
This is it. This is our spot.
Are you sure?
Yeah, right here.
This is where we were going.
- Sure we can't take you anywhere?
- No, this is fine, man.
You guys take it easy.
- Thanks for the lift.
- All right.
Okay, I値l close it.
- Have a nice day.
- All right.
Bye. Hope he feels better.
Give me half an hour with those kids,
I壇 get them straightened out.
- What happened?
- Can you imagine?
The kid unloaded on me...
and that broad has the nerve to say,
"Have a nice day."
- Let's get a drink.
- Okay.
How come you didn't pound
that old lady in the mouth?
What old lady?
The one that hit you in the palms
with the stick.
She was a nun.
Shut the door, you big dope.
You're letting all the smoke out.
Look at the size of that one.
How you doing, old-timer?
What'll you have, fellas?
Better check the big one's ID, Charlie.
If he can get it out of his pants.
Don't bother about her.
That's just Darlene. What'll you have?
- Give me a bottle of beer.
- Bourbon here.
Max, these two guys go into a bar, right.
And one guy says to the bartender,
"Two mugs."
Bartender says,
"l know that. What'll you have?"
Bad. Better make that a double.
Don't go getting dangerous on us,
Superman.
Max, I知 the tallest man in this bar.
Scarecrow, what are you gonna do
when your old lady kicks you...
along with your lamp,
when you get to Detroit?
- I値l make her laugh first.
- You're gonna make her laugh first?
That's right. Can l have a glass?
- Where's the can?
- Over there.
People can't stay mad at you
if you make them laugh.
- Okay, you keep them laughing.
- Okay.
Hey, you. Big mouth.
He acts like the chief of police.
Why don't you just unplug it?
Don't you point at me,
you rude son of a bitch.
- Get out of here.
- No. Come on, cool it.
Stupid broad.
- What did you call me?
- I said, "Stupid broad."
Get out of here.
- I値l put you into the goddamn wall.
- You are real tough.
- I値l have a heart attack right on the floor.
- You'll never make it. Not with those.
Why don't you go in there
and empty your little lizard?
- I am talking to you!
- Get over here! Max!
Look!
Come over here, you.
Goddamn.
Damn it.
- Come on.
- We can't.
Come on, for Christ's sake.
Get your shoes off.
- I hurt you?
- No.
You got your boots on?
Let me give you a hand.
The boots.
- Why you worrying about them boots?
- Where are you...
- Wait. I can't see you.
- Just be patient.
A little patient.
Don't break my glasses.
Because l won't be able
to see anything if you do.
Water.
Gotta wash your hands first.
- Are you nuts?
- What?
Gotta wash your hands first.
Oh, man.
Come on, Max.
Who is this guy?
What a schmuck, this guy.
Bull's-eye!
- Max!
- Yeah?
You ever see dawn from a ship?
- Ever see dawn from a ship?
- No.
Oh, man.
Always the same,
no matter what part of the world l was in.
Always made me feel like a kid.
You are a kid.
- Feel better?
- Yeah. I知 telling you...
getting laid is sure good for my regularity.
- Max, I致e been meaning to ask you.
- Yeah?
In the joint, no women, right?
No.
So how'd you get laid?
I知 gonna have that car wash.
And a deep freezer full of steaks.
And ass, buddy. I mean ass.
You should be more careful
where you drop your drawers.
Some scorpion will put
a lip-lock on your big ass.
It'll be his funeral.
- You ever eat in a hobo jungle?
- No.
Coley and me used to hit it
once in a while when we were drifting.
I haven't been there in about nine years.
We'll have breakfast there
tomorrow morning.
That's it. Damn it. That's where it was.
They must've chased all the hoboes
out into the desert...
or put them in the jail.
Looks like we buy our breakfast.
How in the hell was l supposed to know
they tore the goddamn jungle down?
Coley and me used to eat there
with old-timers all the time.
Jesus Christ.
It's like I致e been asleep for nine years.
Shit!
Nine years.
- Max, so what?
- What do you mean, so what?
I didn't plan, God damn it!
That's "so what." Look.
This is nine years of planning. Right there.
Initial bank savings: So and so.
Accumulated bank interest: So and so.
Expected salary while l was
in the penitentiary: So and so.
Total: $ . .
That's planning ahead. You understand?
By the way, that's something you don't do.
Just because the world
goes on changing, you know...
it changes.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Speaking of changing, it's been five years.
Your wife might be married.
She might've moved away.
Why don't you give her a call?
What are you shouting at, Max?
I wanna see my kid, right?
What am l gonna do,
shove the lamp through the phone?
Detroit's a long way from Pittsburgh.
Just call her. Plan ahead.
That's what I知 doing. I知 planning.
Look, if l go back and l call her,
she could tell me to buzz off.
And that's it.
But if l go there, and l see her...
don't matter what she says to me then
because l see my kid.
See, that's the worst that can happen.
I know what I知 doing.
All those old-timers.
This is all busted up. Hell.
Wonder what Coley would say.
There it is. That's Coley's house.
I didn't even have to look at the number.
- Flower house.
- It's a flower house. Right.
Coley!
Come on.
Coming.
What can l do for you?
God damn it, Max! Jesus Christ almighty!
- You look like Uncle Bert.
- Don't say that.
- It's true, though, you do.
- Don't say it, though.
Jesus Christ.
God damn it. Shit.
Let me look at that mug there.
That's beautiful.
Look at that mug, would you?
Is that beautiful, Lion?
This is my friend and business partner.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Are you all right? Did you hurt yourself?
- I知 okay.
- You sure?
Hi, Coley.
Max has told me nothing about you.
Come on inside. God, Max. Come on.
God damn it.
- Put your stuff down.
- Okay.
- What is all this?
- We went into the junk business.
- "We"?
- Yep.
- You still married to that guy...
- Howard? No, sir.
I got me a business partner.
Name's Frenchy. She's dying to meet you.
Max, this is for you.
Max, let's see if you're still any good.
Come on. Put them up.
All right.
You know I知 the toughest, right?
- Come on.
- Come on.
Hi.
He's just like you said.
Just like l thought he would be.
He's Max.
Yeah, I知 Max.
You cute little motor scooter, you.
Max, this is a lie detector,
and it really works.
It's a gift to you from Coley's junkettes.
A lie detector? You know l just got out
of the joint, Coley. What do l need it for?
Put them on him. Come on.
Yeah, put them on me.
Hello, Coley. Nice of you to call.
- You have to concentrate.
- Okay. It's gonna be hard.
- Did you turn it on?
- You're turned on.
Stop.
Ask me why...
How come you wear all these clothes?
All right. Why did the moron jingle?
Keep me warm.
Okay, let's see.
Ask me if l like you.
- Okay. Do you like me?
- Yes, l like you.
It says that's true.
- What is your name?
- Francis Lionel Delbucci.
- That's true.
- That's true.
- Where you headed?
- Pittsburgh.
Where?
Detroit, then Pittsburgh.
And is that your home, Detroit?
What did you miss most
when you were in prison?
Home cooking.
Coley, I知 gonna cook tonight.
Terrific.
- Hi there.
- Hi.
- Oh, no. This can't happen to me.
- What is it?
- Oh, no.
- What is it?
A little person's got my fingers.
Let go. Come on, get your hands off.
You're crazy. Honestly.
- What is it?
- What are you doing?
- Making pie.
- Pie?
- What kind?
- Chocolate.
Keep it up.
Hey, Lion!
What?
- Where's my beer?
- The beer, it's coming.
Listen, I値l bring the beer out myself
in just a minute, okay?
- No beer?
- She wants to bring it out.
Yeah? That's good.
Give me a hand here, will you?
All right, go.
That Frenchy has some set of jugs,
doesn't she?
Real eye-poppers.
- Let's put this over here by the fence.
- Okay.
If you'll work...
You gotta work, you know?
Coley, she works, right?
I don't understand how she keeps
everything in such a mess.
When we get the car wash...
everything's gonna be in order, right?
Squared away.
Squared away.
And that's gonna be Maxy's job.
Keeping things in order,
washing those cars...
and walking over to the bank.
What do l do? What's my specialty?
I think your specialty
is going to be waxing.
Waxing? No.
No, and, keeping the customers happy.
That's it. That's my specialty.
Keep them happy, keep them happy.
Look at this rusty piece of shit here.
I could have sworn they were out here.
There you are!
Here you are. Just as promised.
- Thank you.
- Here.
Thank you.
- How's your cake coming?
- Okay. It's a pie.
Good heavens.
There ain't no better sound on earth.
Maybe...
a couple of other things.
- I値l go get you another one.
- No, that's all right.
Wait till after l move this dryer here.
Can you just...
You show me where to put it?
Could you...
Why don't you go right there...
and fix the doors,
like we talked about before?
- Fix the doors?
- Yeah.
I don't know where to put it, really.
Just anyplace. Coley usually does that.
No. That's not right.
You see...
everything has its own place, right?
I mean, you have your own place.
Hey, Max. Maybe l should move them?
Right.
- Maybe l should move them.
- Yeah.
That old dryer there,
it has to have its place, too.
Right.
- You're right.
- I知 right.
Let's see. Just leave it there.
- That's its place.
- That's real good.
You and Coley hit it off pretty good,
don't you?
Yeah. She's my very best friend.
Excuse me. I have to get through here.
You gotta work.
There we go.
Damn kid didn't do anything
for the two hours we were out here.
Why do they call you Frenchy?
I don't know why.
I mean, it started
back when l was in high school.
Kids just started calling me Frenchy.
I don't know why.
What's for dinner?
Shit.
I couldn't have been more than .
No, because Max was . That's right.
I was picking fruit all day,
and he was working in the slaughterhouse.
I was draining blood
out of pigs for seven months.
Till the bastards found out
how old l was and canned me.
Son of a bitch.
Remember, then we got a job
in that fishery?
And that foreman.
He tried to cheat you out of your...
Tried to cheat her out of her pay.
I heard he grabbed her on the ass, too.
I hit that son of a bitch with a rock
right in the chops.
Goddamn bastard.
Jesus.
- I really gave it to him, you know?
- You sure did.
- Screw the world, right?
- Right.
Feed them fish heads.
- Right, Coley?
- Right.
- Am l right?
- Absolutely.
God damn it!
Did we fight our way through it or not?
- We sure did.
- We fought our way through.
- Okay.
- Shit.
Take it easy, Max.
You have a whole half a life to go.
I知 gonna spend it washing cars.
I got my own place.
Nobody gonna lay down the law on me,
God damn it! Son of a bitch.
That's my own investment.
Plastic pipe for durability.
- $ .
- Gotcha.
Pure hair hand brushes.
Two hundred smackers, right? Okay.
The finest Mediterranean sponges. $ .
$ for the sponges.
Pure flannel for polishing and drying.
- I got an idea how to save money.
- How?
Just put all your clothes on
and roll over the cars.
Okay. Up yours, buddy.
Wax buffers, $ . No.
Wax buffers are $ .
$ for wax buffers.
- Buckets, . Big ones.
- Buckets.
Big ones. You gotta have a lot of buckets.
- Gotta have a lot of buckets. And a radio.
- You got it.
You gotta have a radio. And...
Let's see, you gotta have...
You know what's happening, don't you?
Gotta have a... And you and me, buddy...
scrubbing away, rain or shine,
and making that dough.
- You know what l mean?
- Raking it in.
Bringing it in.
Go right back there. That's right.
Bring it in and bring the...
And drinking spiked coffee, man,
and listening to the hit parade.
You got it.
- Do they still have the hit parade?
- I don't know.
Will you find out for me?
Old waxy Maxy, he knows. He's got it
all down. Don't worry about it.
Want some more coffee, Lion?
Don't you think it's time
you invited me to your house?
Gee, l thought you'd never ask me.
Wait a minute.
Okay.
Come on, then, my little darling.
You get your little self right there.
You study them prices...
and you look at that catalog, right?
And you just remember, up theirs.
- That's anybody's.
- Anybody's.
About a week ago, l walk into this shop...
to get a present for my kid.
And the salesgirl says,
"How old's the kid?"
I say, "Five." She says, "Boy or girl?"
"I don't know."
"See," l say,
"it never made any difference before..."
but she says, "Five...
"now it makes a difference."
I guess that's when l grew up...
because that was it.
I knew l had to go back,
see my kid, face Annie.
What about Annie?
I don't know.
That's what I知 gonna find out.
And I知 glad of it, too, because...
I知 headed for something.
- You know?
- Yeah.
And it's gonna be big. I can feel it.
'Cause I知 changing.
I wish Max was headed for something.
He is. Pittsburgh. With me.
Listen, Lion, Max is very practical,
but he's very dumb.
He's been putting money into that
stupid bank in Pittsburgh for years.
I don't see why it has to be Pittsburgh.
Why can't you open a car wash right here?
Sure.
Maybe we could come back.
- Really?
- Sure.
Maybe we can come back from Pittsburgh.
I tell you, that Frenchy
is -weight of mean woman!
She did things l didn't think you could do
unless you were a snake. God almighty.
- I gotta admire her talent.
- Yeah. And patient.
I was so drunk, l kept falling off the bed.
She just reached down
and pulled me right back up again.
- That is something.
- Hell of a woman.
Hell of a woman.
- Hey, Max?
- What?
I致e been thinking.
Maybe we ought to come back here
after Pittsburgh.
- Now, listen...
- Down to the penny. I know all that.
- What's that got to do with Pittsburgh?
- That's where my money is.
You got a special deal
with the bank president?
You gonna wash cars in his vault?
- Look, l make plans, l stick with them.
- All right.
We got just enough money
to get us to Pittsburgh.
Including a little stop-off in Detroit
to take care of your crap.
- We're leaving tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
Yeah, tomorrow.
Now let's go get Coley's birthday present.
These are nice.
Listen...
when l yawn like that, you know...
you get the girl's attention
at the cash register.
Just like that.
- Get her attention.
- Why?
Take a walk.
- I told you to get her attention, not mine.
- You didn't have to look.
What do you mean, l didn't have to look?
A madman goes crazy in a
department store and I知 not gonna look?
This round's on the house.
Coley, happy birthday.
This is for you.
All right, here you go.
Everything's okay?
I need a little help.
Somebody sprung a little for a free drink.
- That's really nice.
- All l have to say...
it痴 mighty decent of you girls
to spring for this good-bye dinner.
- No.
- Come on.
- For a good-bye dinner? No.
- The next time we meet, we buy.
In the meantime,
you've got to save your money.
'Cause that's the way you make it. That's
the way you hold on to it. Just like that.
- And that's money.
- That's true.
When l got out of the joint,
they paid me $ ...
and l kept $ for myself and l put
every goddamn penny in the bank.
- Just don't get upset.
- I知 not upset.
- You gotta watch out for your digestion.
- I知 not upset.
Anyway, Frenchy and l are only too happy
to pay for a nice good-bye dinner.
Right, Frenchy?
We got that now, okay?
- Are you ever coming back?
- Yeah, we're coming back.
Someday. Jesus Christ.
High school graduation
has its prom here every year.
They even have Pomp and Circumstances
on the jukebox.
That's real good, hon.
You just keep feeding
that information in here.
Did you get your lie detector?
Max? Your lie detector, have you got it?
Got your milk of magnesia, right?
Gonna need it.
What are you laughing about?
- What the hell are you laughing about?
- Nothing.
Max sleeps with his shoe under his pillow.
- I said never mind.
- I want to ask you something.
What's it feel like down there?
I mean, is it sort of a tightening...
Just drop it, will you?
Because l know what you're doing.
- And l have my plans.
- Right.
He's got his plans.
For every car, there's dirt.
Right. We have cars in Denver.
We really do, and we have dirt, too.
That's right. Sort of a stopped-up feeling?
- Come on.
- Bound up?
- A knocked-up feeling?
- We're gonna dance, okay?
- Want to dance?
- Let's do it.
Where have you been?
I was trying to call you.
I致e been working.
Working, my ass.
I致e been calling all hours of the night.
- Motor mouth, you talking to this lady?
- Right.
You better get that thing fixed.
Let go.
What the hell you doing?
Guess you know about
everybody around here, don't you?
Not the way l know you.
You wanna loan me
plane fare to Pittsburgh?
Sure.
I知 gonna fly out tomorrow to Pittsburgh.
You go to Detroit
and give the goddamn lamp to your kid.
By the time you get back,
I知 gonna have things rolling.
I知 gonna have them rolling, boy.
Drinks on the house for everybody!
We'll wash any car.
You name it, we'll wash it.
Max, we're finished. Look.
There's gonna be ladies' night...
every Monday night of the week.
And we will have...
- Free balloons.
- Free balloons!
And we will have...
- Lollipops.
- Lollipops!
And free Alka-Seltzer for the grandpas.
And a loaf of bread and a head of lettuce!
You bastard!
Get him!
God damn it!
You three in here.
Jesus Christ.
Man, l was out and home free
after six years...
and l listen to you one goddamn time,
I知 right back in again.
I want to tell you something.
I don't want to see you...
l don't want to hear you
for a whole month.
Max, you were the guy
who punched him, not me.
Can l help you?
You take a bunk
on the other side of the dormitory.
Come on, Max.
We're going to be here a month.
Why don't you think of it this way?
Max, we're shipmates,
and we're on a cruise together.
Come on. It ain't so bad.
Max, really, it isn't.
It was all just a joke.
I hope I知 not interrupting.
Maybe l can be of some help.
Riley's the name. Jack Riley.
- I知 Francis.
- Francis.
- And Max.
- We all get along pretty good in here.
I guess you just got to know
who your friends are.
Buzz off, friend.
- Unpleasantness?
- He's just a little upset. Don't get mad.
I知 not mad. I just thought
l could be of some help.
Good.
You're open. I like that.
I think we're going to get along all right.
Did you hear that, Max?
Listen, l don't want to talk.
I want to be left alone.
Now both of you, beat it.
Friend, l don't think you understand.
I知 kind of the trustee of this unit.
I make up the work assignments.
Take your work assignments
and stick them up your ass.
With that attitude, you could end up
on the hog farm up to your ass in pig shit.
He'll be all right. He's just upset.
Max always takes a nap when he's upset.
Look, why don't we go find
this friend of mine, Mickey?
I値l see if l can get you set up. Come on.
- Max?
- You don't have to worry about him.
I値l take care of you. Don't worry. Come on.
- Max?
- Walk away.
Okay. You want it that way...
I知 going to go then.
Francis, you light this for me?
I値l give you a match.
See all that dough l collected
back at the cannery?
Yeah.
Car lottery. You want in? I run it.
I would, but l don't have any money.
I thought you guys were opening up
some sort of a business.
We are, but the money's in Pittsburgh.
- Here you go.
- Pittsburgh?
That's where we were headed
when we were picked up.
Want one?
- You want one?
- Okay.
Pittsburgh.
He's probably going to be
over at the dairy.
What's he doing there, milking cows?
- Mickey?
- Yeah.
He's the warden's son-in-law.
Come on, Francis.
Been looking for you.
I want you to meet a friend of mine.
How come you been looking for me?
Business, what else?
Mickey Greenwood, Francis Delbucci.
Hi. Nice to know you.
Francis, l have to talk to Mickey
for a minute, all right?
Look.
Item : I got a fish up on number four
I壇 like to see on the hog farm.
Is that possible?
All right.
Item : The lottery's all in. Here's yours.
So how's Nancy? Give her my message?
- Yeah. Sure.
- Give you a good ball?
Yeah, she's...
Right. You're getting
a little tired of her style.
You want to be balling
something strange, right?
But I値l give you a message...
you take it into Denver,
she'll fix it all up for you. Okay?
Meanwhile, can you do something
for my friend?
Something easy?
I don't know. What's he want?
Francis, what kind of business
are you going into?
Car wash.
- Want me to wash that tire?
- No.
I didn't know we'd get into gambling.
I thought you were just...
Shut up. You'll bring the heat down on me.
I could get the maximum.
You could also go out on the hog farm
instead of sitting on your ass all day.
Show coordinator is a pretty easy job.
Okay.
Where's the baseball scores?
- Why don't you finish your dinner?
- Yeah. I値l be right back.
Hi, buddy.
Max, l didn't ask for that job. Believe me.
I wouldn't wash cars without you.
Want a cigar?
I got one for you. Go ahead.
You look tired, you know that, buddy?
They working you hard?
I値l be back.
Keeping warm?
You know something?
I think you're going to be real sorry
when you find out l didn't do anything.
- That it wasn't my fault.
- Francis!
Real sorry.
Go ahead. Have a good lunch.
If l don't see you again, hello.
You know, l...
- I致e been thinking about something.
- Yeah.
I think you'd make a good
assistant director for my talent show.
What do you say?
It's better than washing cars.
- A talent show?
- A talent show.
What would l do?
You'd kind of help get the guys together,
you know, you'd rehearse the show.
I need a little extra time
to take care of business.
- It's easy.
- Okay.
There's the hog farm. There's Max.
Can we pull over, do you think?
Mickey, let's go over to Pigville.
Hey, there, fella, can you
wrap me two pounds to go?
I don't have too much time. Guess what?
I知 the director of the talent show.
Want me to make you a star?
Your name in lights?
You can bring your friends along
if you want.
Let's get out of here.
Us show people sure do envy
you simple men of the land.
Have a nice life.
Shit.
So he stands up there, right,
and he says, "No more jokes.
"No more jokes until the end of the show."
I got to pee.
- Your friend Max is out there.
- Max is going to be mad at me, too...
because I知 getting drunk and he's not.
You're a friend of mine. Max isn't.
Max is out there with all his friends.
You said it!
And you're in here having a good time.
I told you it pays to be
a friend of Jack Riley's.
- It sure does, Jack.
- Francis?
You know how much time I知 doing?
Goodness gracious.
Just put these together...
Just put it on the hand.
- You know how much time I知 doing?
- No. How much time are you doing?
Eighteen months.
- That's a long time.
- Yeah.
- That's a long time.
- That's a lot of Sundays, I値l tell you that.
How about it?
How about it?
How about it?
How about what?
Yeah, how about it?
How about, you know...
giving old Riley a little relief?
What do you mean?
Relief for what?
What do you say?
I don't know what you want.
Igor, you crazy monster.
- Get out. Go back.
- Don't make fun of me.
I知 not making fun of you.
What are you doing?
I知 kind of sensitive.
I値l show you what I知 doing.
- Riley.
- What?
Come on.
- Just a little.
- I値l bite it off, you fuck.
Riley, l didn't mean to hurt you.
What's the matter with you?
Mama's boy likes to play, but doesn't pay.
Stop it!
Just cool it.
Jesus Christ. Who did...
Jesus Christ, man.
Riley tried to fuck me...
so l had to kick the shit
out of him, you know?
Jesus Christ.
Got to keep the weight
on the balls of your feet.
Otherwise, you slip down on your heels,
and you skid right into the pig shit.
- On the balls?
- Yeah. Right on the balls.
If you'd been out here in the first place,
you would have known all that.
I had my laughs.
- What did you say?
- I had my laughs.
Yeah.
I know somebody's not laughing.
He wanted to be in show business.
Show business.
Come here.
Something l don't understand, you know?
I just want to ask you...
how you people in show business...
manage to stay in action
when you give it away like that?
- What did l give away?
- You know, the whole business.
The whole show business.
You gave it to my partner Lion, didn't you?
Didn't you, Riley?
Didn't you give it to him?
Why don't you go fuck off?
See that?
I saved that.
I was thinking about Detroit.
Let's skip it. It don't feel good.
- What do l do with my lamp?
- You mail it.
It's not the lamp.
It's Annie, Max.
That's why l got to go back. I owe Annie.
Do me one favor, though,
let's make it fast.
Stay on here till we get to St. Louis.
Then we'll get off and catch
something else to get up to Detroit.
I could use a drink.
Eye to eye with me, the guy tells me
what freight train to catch.
I値l be damned.
That's because you look ridiculous.
See, he saw the humor in it.
- I see.
- Humor.
Humor.
You know something, Max?
You used to look scary and ridiculous.
Now you just look ridiculous.
Really? It's because
I知 becoming a scarecrow, right?
That's right. You're a scarecrow.
- I知 a scarecrow.
- You're also an asshole.
- You're also a scarecrow, too.
- Okay. But unlike you, huh?
I知 a scarecrow. That's right. You're right.
Listen. Have you taken a good look
at your mug lately?
Have you eyeballed it?
If that's what being a scarecrow is,
l don't want any part of that.
Scarecrows are beautiful.
Scarecrows are beautiful!
Hey, miss.
Can we have some coffee down here
for Mr. Scarecrow?
Scarecrows are beautiful!
I知 feeling good. I really feel good.
That's because you're learning, you know?
You're learning how to laugh.
And guess what? I taught you.
- I知 your... What do you call it?
- You're my taughter.
- Taughter.
- Right?
You're my teacher, buddy,
and I知 telling you it's really comforting.
Will you fuck off? Jesus Christ.
What's the matter with you?
I thought you were a scarecrow.
What are you doing?
Didn't you learn anything?
- You show me how to handle a drunk then.
- Okay, I値l show you.
Here.
No.
- You're losing him.
- I知 not losing him.
Look at him.
- You're losing him.
- I知 not losing him.
That's my uncle you're making fun of.
This is my wife here.
We were just having...
Okay, down.
- Okay, all right.
- No, Max.
Just one way. Get out of here.
- You okay?
- I知 okay.
That's it.
- No, no...
- That's it. Go ahead. Have a time.
- But l...
- Go on. Have a time.
- Have fun.
- Come on.
Come here!
Hello, Lion? Max wants to talk to you.
Look at this. I知 an old scarecrow.
Come on. Come on back here.
- How about that?
- I知 going to help.
Shake hands. He don't want to fight.
Watch it, God damn it. Watch out.
You okay, old-timer?
Hold that for me.
Come on! Take it off! Bravo!
Take it off!
- He's something else.
- Bring on the girls!
I had them laughing, didn't l?
You're going places, Max.
You know what we're going to have
out in front of our car wash?
- No. What?
- A scarecrow. That's what.
Good night, world!
Good night, world!
You motherfuckers!
I知 glad you wore your sweater,
'cause it's cold, you know.
- Where's your house?
- It's right in there.
Is that it?
Go ahead.
No, l think l should call first.
- It don't feel right.
- All right, call.
There's a phone over there.
Just call them.
Here, man, hold this.
Just remember, all right,
that you're a person.
You're a person, right?
And you were a kid before,
and you've made mistakes...
so you ran. That's all.
- You sent a lot of money, right?
- Right.
And you thought
that was going to make it okay?
- But that doesn't make it, does it?
- No.
Okay. Now you're a man,
and now you're gonna straighten it all out.
Max, let me make the call.
Gonna straighten it all out.
Mama.
Joey the Banana King.
Joey the Banana King. What do you want?
Francis.
Where are you?
Why?
Talk?
What are you... Are you staying?
No.
What's this, Joey the Banana King?
Is that Joey Gleason?
Yeah. I知 married to him.
Did you hear me, Francis?
Yeah. Joey Gleason.
God. So then you're okay.
You're married, and you're all right.
So what are you now, Mrs. Banana King?
Do you think that's funny,
you son of a bitch?
How long... When did you marry him?
A couple of years ago.
Thanks for the money, you bastard.
We used your allotments
to set up his business.
What, you...
You didn't hear me?
Yeah, l got it. I told you l got it.
Thanks for a big fat nothing. You just left.
Happy? Sure.
Sure I知 happy.
I知 Mrs. Joey Banana King...
and l look like an old lady.
You left. You just...
You stinking shit. You coward.
Sure, send the money and see the world.
Leave Annie here.
Leave me here in this goddamn
stinking slum, you bastard, you!
Please, Annie. Look...
Annie, please. Look, let me come over.
I don't want to see you!
You just get away.
You just stay away, and get out.
Oh, God.
You didn't ask about the kid, Francis.
I was going to.
So what is it, a boy or a girl?
Dead.
It's dead.
Never even got born, Francis,
'cause l was left alone.
Did you hear me, Francis?
Eight months. You know...
l slipped on the front steps in the snow.
I fell down them.
There was no one there to help me.
You know what l mean? I lost the kid.
It would have been a boy.
Never even got born.
Never got baptized.
You know what that means.
That soul cannot go to heaven.
That's what you did for your son's soul,
you bastard.
You sent it into limbo.
That soul cannot go to heaven.
- What is it?
- It's a boy!
That's great.
And what about Annie?
Annie got married. She's got a husband.
I don't feel l should go over there,
with the kid.
- I値l mess things up.
- All right, good. That's great.
You're my best friend.
- It's all over now, right?
- All over.
Okay, you're a man now.
- God damn it, you're a man.
- Let's celebrate.
All right, we'll celebrate.
We'll make it fast.
I know a place across the river
called Bell Island.
Me and Annie used to go there.
We're gonna make it fast.
Okay, come on!
Going to read your fortunes. Hands out.
Who's first? Who's second?
Who's third? Who's fourth?
Okay, first you.
See what this thing says?
You're going to open a button factory.
And then you'll go crazy
and eat all the buttons.
But that'll be okay
because you won't have to buy any food...
'cause you're full with buttons.
He'll be a button man.
I know what to do
to keep your hands warm.
- Stick them up.
- Give me a button.
I知 the button man, all right.
Stick up your hands. Come here.
Put a peanut up your nose.
After you find the missing treasure...
you're going to...
sprout wings and fly.
Read my palm.
Want to see Treasure Island?
Max, come on.
Come over here. We'll do a bit together.
Want to see Treasure Island?
Come on, Max.
I値l be Long John. You be little Jim.
Come on. Want to see it? I知 Long John.
Aye, aye. Aye, matey.
The wind looks a bit
to ruffle our sails, aye?
I don't want to do that.
Whatever you do, Jim boy...
keep your bloody hands off me bird.
Argue with me, you big dummy? Aye, aye.
I知 gonna cut me some young lads.
Where's me cutlass?
Where be me cutlass?
Right here.
Where be me cutlass?
He's in there.
Got to love Long John.
- How about Long John?
- You're Long John?
Got to love Long John.
No!
Let him go! Quit it!
My God! What are you doing?
What the hell you...
Give me the boy.
No!
Got to love Long John!
Get out of there!
Come on. Get off there!
Come on!
All right.
I知 going to fight them!
What are you doing?
What the hell's the matter with you?
Get some help!
- What's wrong with him?
- Your friend has serious trouble.
- Yeah, what...
- He's catatonic.
- How'd he catch that?
- It's nothing you catch.
There's an ambulance on the way
from Laguna Heights.
Would you tell them
that I致e got him sedated?
- What place is that?
- State Hospital.
- How long has he got to be in there now?
- There's no telling.
What do you mean?
Are you a doctor? Do you know or not?
- Keep your voice down. This is a hospital.
- I know it's a hospital.
I知 going to take care of him.
I got the money. In Pittsburgh.
He's just fooling around.
He's fooling around.
Christ, they got you all strapped up.
Look at that.
Jesus Christ. What have they done to you?
Jesus. This must be me dreaming, right?
God damn it!
Look, you skinny little bastard,
will you wake up?
Wake up!
Get these goddamn straps off of you.
Look at me. Listen.
No goddamn way in the world
l can open up that car wash...
with you locked up.
Who am l gonna trust?
We're going back to the phone booth.
I知 gonna take you back
to that phone booth...
and I知 gonna find out
what she said to you. You understand?
You and me, we think alike, don't we?
We think alike, right?
We can make it work, can't we?
Can we make it work?
Yeah, 'cause... God damn it!
I just can't make it alone anymore.
Come on, wake up! You listen to me!
All right, we'll take care of it.
We'll take care of him.
I can't make it alone anymore.
Come on. Let's go.
I can't do it alone. Come on, wake up!
He's going to be helped.
I致e got the money. I致e got it right here.
Look. Wait.
See, l got it.
$2651.13 right there.
Right there it is.
I知 going to take care of you, Lion.
That's $5.37.
Thank you.
- Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, please.
- Round trip?
Yeah, round trip.