Voila! Finally, the Scrooged
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Bill Murray movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Scrooged. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
It's my special recipe!
We're not gonna make it! You realise how late we... Oh!
I told you, you're gonna break those!
Oh, wow! Wait! Santa Claus, come quick! Look!
Incoming!
Take cover!
Let's get 'em!
Come on, over here! Hurry up! Hurry!
It's Lee Majors!
The Six Million Dollar Man!
- Is there a back exit? - Of course.
But this Santa's going out the front.
I don't matter, but the world can't afford to lose you. Stay put!
That's very nice of you, Lee.
And Lee, you've been a real good boy this year!
Yes, you sure have.
Seven o'clock. Psychos seize Santa's Workshop.
Eat this!
Only Lee Majors can stop them.
: and America's best-loved singer
invites you to share a home-style holiday.
Ring-a-ling...
Nine o'clock, lBC presents America's favourite family
in a special Christmas episode.
Hi, Mom, isn't Dad home yet?
Well, Wally, I expect he's out chasing beaver.
Show me the "Scrooge" promo.
It was a cold, bleak, Christmas...
o'clock, lBC present live, via satellite from New York,
Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin and the Great Barrier Reef,
Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic.
starring Buddy Hackett, Jamie Farr, the Solid Gold Dancers
and Mary-Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.
- Hosted by Sir John Houseman... - Bah! Humbug!
It will touch every heartstring.
It all starts on Christmas Eve - Christmas Eve on lBC.
Oh, my gosh... Does THAT suck?!
Y-you know who loves Mary-Lou Retton, Frank? My kids.
- Yeah. - Children love an acrobat.
Oh...
We have spent million on a live TV show,
you guys have got an ad with America's favourite old fart...
reading a book in front of a fireplace!
Now...I have to kill all of you.
Mother, help me!
Excuse me, sir, uh...
but we've been running that spot now for over a month and...
well, it's getting a hell of a response.
I am the youngest president
in the history of television
for a reason.
I know the people.
Well, uh, granted, but the people already wanna watch the show.
That isn't good enough!
They have got to be so scared to miss it, so terrified!
Now, if I were in charge,
and I AM...
Perhaps I can help you.
Here's what I'd do. Grace, cue it up.
Acid rain.
Drug addiction.
International terrorism.
Freeway killers.
Now, more than ever...
..we must remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, "Scrooge",
Your life might just depend on it.
Not bad, huh?
I think they'll like it in the heartlands.
I want it every hour on the hour.
I'll take care of it.
Get me Standards and Practices, I wanna see Reece.
- Excuse me, sir. - Yes...?
Mr Cross, what exactly does that ad have to do with "Scrooge"?
Nothing. Why?
You can't show that commercial. If you run that...
you're gonna frighten people.
- You think I'm off base? - Yes!
Well...a tad, sir.
Um, that looked like the Manson Family Christmas Special.
Well, it's a little late for this kind of feedback.
That's because it's the first time I've seen it, sir.
You're right, l...sprung it on you.
It's not that bad, just lose, like, you know, the gun and the blood...
- All right... - And the guy shooting up...
I'll tell you in five minutes.
- Thank you, sir. - Thank YOU.
You know, I think we're a little bit alike.
Sir? Merry Christmas.
- Thanks for the talk. - Thank you.
We don't wanna scare the Dickens out of people.
The "Dickens" out of people.
Nobody gets me.
Grace, who is that guy?
- Eliot, Loudermilk. - OK.
Have security clear his desk and toss him out.
Oh, he's fired?
- But it's Christmas. - Thank you!
Call Accounting, stop his bonus.
- A clear shot at his back. - Eliot Loudermilk...
Code Nine.
Grace, what in the hell is this?
That's a painting one of my kids did. There's Santa Claus and Mrs Claus.
How many fingers does Mrs Claus have?
- . - .
Right, it's crap, I don't want it here.
She'll understand, she's an amazingly understanding woman.
I'll just say, "Hi, honey, we have to move to a studio apartment."
Mr Cross, it's time for your Christmas list.
OK, let's get this over with.
- Sammy Goldberg. - Bath towel.
- Lou Parker - VHS home video recorder.
Colonel Tom Parker.
The bath towel.
- Tamara Forristal. - VHS.
It's great taking a bus to work, you know?
Oh, hi, fellas. Thanks a lot. Merry Christmas.
- Babalu Towloudes. - The bath towel.
Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today.
Get outta here!
Dah! Four minutes and seconds.
Glenn Glenn Whitacre.
What was the last rating on "Police Zoo"?
. Nielsen and a share.
- Towel. - Your brother?
- Towel. - Your only brother.
Oh, God, give it to me!
Get that.
- Towel, towel... - Mr Cross's office.
- Towel... - Thank you.
Most of these are towels, OK?
Mr Rhinelander's on his way down.
Booze.
Pardon me.
Oh, excuse me.
Grace?
- Get yourself a towel. - And my bonus?
- Towel and a face cloth. - Oh, shi...
- Frank? - Hey, Pres.
- What a surprise. - Grace.
You look great. Have you been working out?
Preston, just looking at some of this ink we're getting on Scrooge.
You believe the first director didn't want her? He does now.
Did you catch Tiny Tim? She doesn't throw away the crutches.
She throws away the crutches, vaults a lamp-post
- and double somersaults into this. - Frank.
Killer. Yes, Preston?
Do you know how many cats there are in this country?
N-N...no, mmm...I don't have...no.
million. D'you know how many dogs?
- In America? - million.
We spend billion on pet food alone.
Four...?!
I have a study which shows that cats and dogs
are beginning to watch television.
If these scientists are right, we should start programming right now.
Within years, they could become steady viewers.
Programming...for cats?
Walk with me, Frank.
Call the police.
I'm not saying build a whole show around animals.
All I'm suggesting is we occasionally throw in a little pet appeal.
- Some birds, a squirrel... - Mice.
Mice, exactly.
You remember Kojak and the lollipops?
What about a cop that dangles string, that's his gimmick.
Lots of quick random action.
Frank, wasn't there a dormouse in "Scrooge"?
No, but I always felt that it needed a dormouse.
- Dormice, better. - Bingo!
Frank, this show is the jewel in the lBC crown.
Everything is riding on it.
Don't worry, I'm overseeing every aspect of production.
- We'll own Christmas. - That's what I want to hear.
- Lunch tomorrow? - Right.
Up, Sid. Study this.
Oh, thank you.
God...
If only I could fire that poor sonofabitch.
..going down. Hey, Frank! Hold that door, will you, Pops? Wait for me.
Brice Cummings, we met at Spago. Have you seen Preston?
Uh, Preston just went back upstairs.
I went to school with his son. Give me a call, OK?
Let's go. So, anyway, Coselle says...
Come here! Slam these doors - hard!
Grace, I need a full report on a guy named Brice Cummings.
He's an LA slimeball.
OK, you're due at Helmsley Palace at seven and I'm leaving.
- No, we're working late. - My son's seeing the doctor.
- You're working late! - I made the appointment months ago.
I care(!)
If I'm working late, you've gotta work late!
If you can't work late, I can't work late!
If I can't work late... I can't work late!
Oh, your brother's waiting inside.
And I didn't tell him about his great Christmas towel.
Francis, a little rough on her out there, weren't you?
You know what they say about treating people badly coming up.
Yeah, you can treat 'em badly going down, too.
It's great, two chances to rough 'em up.
Why don't the cops do something about this? Excuse me, please.
D'you learn that song yesterday? Sweet.
Frank, you don't like Christmas, do you?
I love it! It's cold and people stay home and watch TV.
These idiots are gonna be at home watching TV for me tonight.
I'm a big fan of Christmas.
So any chance of you making Christmas dinner...?
- None. - Come on...
- Don't start. - The family'll be there.
It'll be fun.
You have your wonderful dinner with your cool friends,
and the popcorn and tree and cranberries,
and send Christmas cards on recycled paper.
It's a crock, James. It's for kids.
You know, I like seeing you. I like being with you...
Have a happy New Year.
Merry Christmas.
Taxi!
Excuse me, ma'am, I think you dropped something there.
That's my cab! Oh, sir, please, l...
You sonofabitch, you can burn in hell!
Bye bye, Grandma! Bye bye.
I got into broadcasting because I like to give.
Sometimes I found myself hurting from giving too much,
and I'd say "Stop it".
I'm always gonna cherish this.
And all of you.
I should've went in there. I should've said "Frank Cross..."
You stinking guy! You big dog, you!
. .
Here's five.
Mr Cross.
Wasn't he a medical genius?
Calvin, I think doctor is a Latin word for thief.
I don't have to tell me you don't speak.
I'm your mother, I know you don't speak. Yet.
We'll show 'em, honey. You gonna surprise a lot of people.
Yes, you are!
You start talking, then go to law school and sue his butt off.
Come!
Who's there?
This office is closed!
This whole wing is closed!
Grace!
Grace!
That was a good one.
How are you, kid? You...Ah...
Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink.
I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but mind the Bacardi.
To old times, my friend.
Oh, my God, it's...
Lew Hayward, your old boss.
Your best friend.
But you're...
- dead. - Seven years.
Has it been that long?
To look at you I wouldn't have guessed more than three, tops.
Oh, Frank. Frank, you are in trouble. Big trouble.
All right, let's say for argument's sake that that I am in big trouble.
- What would that mean? - Look at me.
Now, if you don't change your ways you'll wind up doomed, just as I am.
One minute, I'm on the h hole at Wingfoot, lining up a putt.
A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you're not a worm feast,
you're an hallucination brought on by alcohol,
Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl.
I've been under a lot of pressure lately...
- SlLENCE! - Ouch.
I had it all. I was a captain of industry.
Feared by men. Adored by women.
Adored?!
Let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women.
- Don't waste your life as I did. - Waste?!
You're a legend in this business - you invented the mini-series.
Mankind should have been my business.
Charity, mercy, kindness - that should've been my business.
Don't wait. Get yourself involved.
It's too late for me, but not for you.
You are going to be visited by three ghosts.
- THREE ghosts? - Three ghosts, Frank.
Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.
Tomorrow's bad for me, Lew, and the rest of the week's a wash-out. Ouch!
Maybe we could have drinks, say Thursday?
This is no joke, Frank!
- This is your last chance! - All right, we'll do breakfast.
Oh, no, please. They'll think I'm a suicide.
Whoa! Oh, come on!
Gimme a break! Aagh!
- You can be saved. - Don't let go! God bless you!
NO! NO, please!
Merry Christmas.
Hi, this is Claire Phillips.
I'm not here, as usual.
Leave a message and I'll call you back. Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas.
Claire!
This is Frank...
Cross.
I know it's been...
years since we talked,
but...but I really need to talk to you right now.
Something terrible's happened.
Or maybe not, I don't know. But l...
I have to talk to you. It's urgent! Call me at any hour.
My number is - - ... ...
Damn!
- Well? - Well, what?
Did you get the bonus?
I'm drying my head with it.
We'll be OK.
What are you doing in there? Trimming the tree.
- We don't have a tree, Mom. - We do now.
- NO! - Yes!
- Don't plug him in! - Plug him in.
Take it off. Take it off him.
Oh, but Mom, he looks so pretty.
He's so cute!
- When are we gonna get a real tree? - When they're free.
- Have you seen the paper, Frank? - Ooh, she's pretty!
She's dead, Frank!
This -year-old grandmother was watching your "Scrooge" promo
and she keeled over.
It scared her to death.
This is terrific!!
I knew that ad worked!
You can't buy publicity like this!
Excuse me.
Mr Cross, you're needed on the set.
Run that promo EVERY half hour!
I want a disclaimer. "Anyone with a heart condition MUST not watch."
- Where were we? - I was being haunted.
No, it's got to be REAL gold.
I don't understand why I can't get anybody to do what I want.
Gimme a break.
I will not allow this costume on the air.
- Why not? - Because you can see her nipples.
I WANT to see her nipples!
This is a Christmas show!
Charles Dickens would want to see her nipples.
I can't hardly see them nipples.
And these guys are REALLY looking.
You can go shake a tail-feather. And you, just go!
Watch out!
Thanks, boys. Get the nurse.
Get the nurse!
Make sure her nipples are covered up.
Lumpy!
Lumpy!
Hi.
I'm sorry to just...
I only got your message this morning. I called, but you weren't in yet.
I called again, but you were busy. So l...
- God, you look different. - Well, it's been a while.
It's your hair.
It's so short. You look sort of grown up.
Yo, Frank!
I mean, Mr Cross. Check it out. The girls are tough. It's on the money.
Would you excuse me for a moment?
Ha!
Can I turn her head?
- No. - OK. That works, see?
H'up and bum. A little bootie here for ya.
See? You just had to see it in context.
Will you move her, please? Thanks.
Allez-oop!
- Will she be OK? - Yeah, she's a real pro.
What about you? You sounded like you'd seen a ghost.
A ghost?
You mean the phone call last night.
I found your number and I had to call you, immediately.
I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy.
- Excuse me, Lumpy. - Most people call me Mr Cross!
Sorry, I got a problem.
- I bet. What? - This little fella.
I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy.
- Try staples. - Staples?!
Don't you dare! If you staple that mouse, I'll call the Humane Society.
- I'd never hurt this little fella. - Marlin, Perkins. The road.
- I have three dogs. - Go tell Reader's Digest!
Staples!
Same old Claire. Still trying to save the world.
You still trying to run it?
- GET OUTTA HERE! - YOU called me.
Who are you?
You little worm! Who are you?
How'd you get in here? Maybe you'll answer some questions downtown, huh?
What is going on?!
- This is my boy. - OK. YOU beat him.
Does he work here?
No! I thought it'd be fun for him to see a live TV show.
D'you see anybody having fun?
Why are you so angry?
Why haven't YOU ever learnt to button a coat?
You know me, I just like... I was in a hurry.
I'm sorry to have called so late last night.
- Did I wake your husband and kids? - No, no. I've never gotten married.
You?
Er, no.
- Never? - No.
Would you hold the goddamned hammering, please!
- I'd better go. - NO! Don't go.
Would you HOLD THE GODDAMNED HAMMERlNG, PLEASE!!
Frank, what did happen last night?
Claire, it was something that I ate. Probably a bad clam or something.
Well, if it happens again...
gimme a call here.
I'm hardly ever home.
I'm definitely gonna call.
I'm a seafood nut and to not eat clams - what's life for?
Would ya please...
for the love of God and your own body, hold the hammering!
Claire?
Sir, the Times want a reaction to the woman's death.
It was probably something she ate.
- He says, "It's something she ate." - Oh, gee! Oh!
This is Frank Cross. We are appalled by this senseless tragedy...
Would you please hold the goddamned hammering!
Now!
- Shit! - I'm going to lunch.
- How's everything going, Frank? - Couldn't be better, Preston.
Mr Rhinelander, hello. Mr Cross. May I get you both a drink?
I'll have a highball.
I'll have a highball, too.
You've heard from the embassy?
Yes. We'll be switching live back and forth
from our "Scrooge" in the studio to Berlin,
where Leroy Neeman's painting the wall.
Then we're shooting out to Africa,
where the Holy Father will baptise the entire Zulu nation.
I'm afraid you might be spreading yourself a little thin.
So I've taken the liberty of hiring somebody to help you.
- Great(!) - I knew you'd be pleased.
I couldn't be more pleased(!) Who is it?
Pellegrino, rocks, twist...
How are ya?
Oh, look at this.
I know this is coming at you pretty fast,
but I'm only here to take some of the burden off you.
You might see that as a threat...
That's me.
You will be visited by three ghosts.
Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.
This is coming at you pretty damn fast,
but I'm here to take some of the burden off you.
That's me. Ever seen such a watch?
My dad gave me this.
But...
But when, er...Preston hired me this morning as...as a what...a...?
a consultant, I suppose,
I said, "I'll be one of the team."
My, er... My lacrosse coach used to say,
"There's no 'l', in T-E-A-M."
Here we are, gentlemen. One for you, sir. And one for you.
I'm terribly sorry, l...
Are you him? Are you him?
Are you "he".
I'll take it away.
Don't come apart on me, Frank.
No. No. What was that your lacrosse coach said?
- The point is, Frank... - Are you ready to order?
Great! I'll have the California health plate. No dairy in that, huh?
I'll have the rack of lamb today.
Sir?
Oh, my God!
Bobby, look!
Somebody save him!
That's a baked Alaska, sir. A dessert.
Look!
No, sir, that's meatloaf.
You wouldn't want that, it's not very...
Sir?
- I'm gonna... - Have...?
- Gonna have. - Have...?
I'm gonna have some air. Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I thought you were Richard Pryor.
- A cab! - Yes, sir.
Cut through the park...
Whoa! Hey, man. Whoa!
Wrong way, jerk! Nice hit back there! Solid hit!
- Wrong way! - Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride.
- How do you know my name? - I know everything. You see...
I'm the ghost.
- You don't mind if I smoke? - Smoke, smoke! Just drive.
Thanks, pal!
What did you do? What did you do?
That's not funny!
Pull over!
Where are we?
Where are we? You mean "when are we?"
Look out!
Go back to Jersey, ya moron!
- Take me home right now. - You got it, pal.
Welcome home, Frankie.
Oh, my God!
This is where I grew up. I thought they tore it down.
They did.
Dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights.
Oh, for Chrissakes, Frank, it's Christmas Eve.
I get it. You've taken me back to show me my parents,
and I'm meant to go all blubbery.
Forget it. You got the wrong guy.
That's what Attila the Hun said. But when he saw his mom, Niagara Falls.
Let's get this over with.
That was a great joke(!)
I love that bit!
Quiet! Somebody will call a cop.
Oh, relax, Frank. They can't hear or see us.
It's not live. It's like a re-run. Check it out.
We all drink our Ovaltine every day to give us our rocket power.
Hello, Earl.
You here, Francis? I've got something for ya.
- Merry Christmas. - A choo-choo train?
No, it's lb of veal.
But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo.
Then go and get a job and buy a choo-choo!
Earl, he's only four years old.
All day I listen to excuses why people can't work -
"My back hurts. My legs ache. I'm only four!"
He's gotta learn that life's doesn't come on a silver platter.
I'm going out.
Baby, don't watch too much TV.
OK, Mommy.
Merry Christmas, Frankie, angel.
Merry Christmas, Momma.
Niagara Falls, Frankie, angel.
I was touched by a gift.
A four-year-old kid receives what at today's prices
is a piece of veal.
Frank, you still spent the next years on your ass watching TV.
Check the records. I did some stuff.
I played baseball. One year, I hit the home-run that won the big game.
That was the kid on The Courtship Of Eddie's Father.
There was another time, though.
I was on a hill covered with flowers
and there was a beautiful girl with pigtails...
You are so pathetic! That was The Little House On The Prairie.
Was it the homecoming episode?
Yes, it was the homecoming episode.
Face it, garden slugs got more outta life than you.
Name one!
- Take me to my office. - Gladly.
Where are we?
- It's your office. - What's going on?
It's a Christmas party.
They've had them since the dawn of the golden age of TV.
Until YOU took over!
Merry Christmas. Pass those out.
Hey, hey! Hey, Fred!
- It's Frank, Mr Hayward. - Frank.
You didn't notice a big party going on around here?
Yes, I'll be right out.
- I'll just finish this. - OK.
- Merry Christmas! - Why, thank you, Tina.
- Frank! - Hi.
- Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas.
Do you fancy Chinese food?
No. You're not supposed to eat that stuff.
They use cats in the chop suey.
Don't eat that stuff.
You moron! Get back there!
I don't believe myself.
What an idiot! Did you see Tina?
Frankie, I'm not that dead. Come on.
I must have been insane! She was crazy about me.
Not that one, Frankie. This one.
Cupid's arrow. Right between the eyes.
Are you all right?
You shouldn't move someone after a blow to the head.
Where did I get you?
Right here. And the sidewalk got me back here.
It's gonna be quite a lump. I'm sorry.
Is this yours?
Yes, it is. Thank you.
- You had some things, too. - Yes.
Oh! Oh!
All right. I tell you what, I'll go down for them.
- Wait for me? - Yes, I'll wait.
- Thanks, Lumpy. - Thank you.
Merry Christmas.
Would you like to go to a party?
- Not really. - Neither would l.
Young lady!
Do you shop here often? I can always walk on that side.
Would you like to have some Chinese food?
- What's going on? - You are gonna love this.
- Claire! - Yeah. What is it? I'm in the tub.
Can't we open the presents now?
What are you doing?
- You had it all! - Look at something else.
Hey, there's a gorilla on that building.
- When can we open these? - You can open one on Christmas Eve.
The rest are for Christmas morning. Isn't that how your family did it?
If they were gonna spoil, we opened them the night before.
- Do you wanna open this one? - Is it from you?
Oh, knives!
Oh, lots of knives!
I got her these great knives. Super sharp...
I know, ginsu knives. They cut cans.
You can cut a tin can like a tomato.
Your turn.
I've never liked a girl enough to give her sharp knives.
OK. You're gonna like this.
"To Lump."
"Love, Claire."
- "The Hindu Art of Love." - Read the inscription.
You read it. It says, "Christmas" and then...
It's Sanskrit.
I didn't need a manual. I want you to know that.
Don't blow the ending for me now.
- Did that. - With who?
- Did it. - Yeah.
Done this.
Done this.
My buddy did this.
I don't believe this one.
It says this will make a woman bark like a dog.
Lassie's come home. Go and get Gramps, Lassie.
I wonder if you're female?
What a nice coat you have. I think I'll give you a bath every week.
Good morning, kiddos!
I'm Mike the Mailman. Hey, Frisbee!
I've got something for ya.
There he is. I've got to watch this one!
What could it be, huh? Is it a pair of mittens?
It's a bone!
What could it be?
A book?
It's a bone!
What is it?
It's a bone, you lucky dog!
It's a bone, you betcha!
Lassie's a very good friend.
Commercial break, folks.
- Very good, kid. - Thank you.
How many reservations should I make?
Oh, yes.
- You, me, my wife... - She's in Palm Springs.
Oh, yes! I forgot. Of course.
I guess then...it'll be you and me.
And Frank.
Frank, have dinner with us. You and Claire.
And order a stretch limo. See you.
- Hello. You're Claire? - Yes.
Oh, hiya, sweetheart. You almost ready?
The president of the network just invited us to dinner.
We're going to David and Kate's.
We can have dinner with them next week.
It's Christmas Eve. They're our best friends. It only comes once a year.
Thanks, Philbert.
It is Christmas. It's a time to be less selfish.
If you could think of my needs and those of The Frisbee Show...
I've fought for this show. It's such an opportunity.
I'm sorry.
seconds!
I didn't realise how important it is.
I'm willing to forgive you, once in a while.
Frank, look. Maybe we should separate for a while.
- Excuse me. - Estelle, when are we leaving?
Right after the show.
For a while and see how it goes.
I know you've been under a lot of pressure.
Oh, it's been rough.
All right. I'll try to come over later, if I can.
seconds.
I'll tell them that you got hung up.
Lumpy.
Merry Christmas.
Five, four, three, two, one.
OK, kiddos!
You left Claire for Frisbee the dog?
Frank, you don't know who you are, you don't know what you want
or what the hell is going on.
I've made a few mistakes.
I've gotta live with that.
But I know who I am.
I know what I want. And I know what's going on.
Psst! Hey, Frank! Over here!
- What's going on?! - I don't know. I'm only the ghost!
So long, sucker!
Hold on! Taxi!
I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off, one by one,
until the master passion, greed, engrosses you.
Farewell, Ebeneezer.
May you be happy with the path you have chosen.
I am happy with what I've chosen, you bitch! I couldn't be happier!
- What, are you crazy? - Yeah, Buddy. I'm crazy!
Crazy like a fox! Crazy enough to see through your tricks!
I'm back.
I see now. No-one could have been that simple,
and good, and sweet, yet caring and wonderful.
Not on this planet! No, baby!
Unless they had something to hide.
You wouldn't try to trick me? Don't try to trick me today, cos I'm back!
Maybe we'll check things out at Operation Reach Out!
Goodbye. Thank you.
a pint. Come on, folks!
Here's a happy donor. Thank you so much.
Well, just for the record, YOU left me.
YOU had to go and get your head together.
My head is just fine. Check it out!
It's right here where it belongs.
"It's lonely at the top"? It's not!
Oh, maybe, round my birthday, and at sunset,
and every couple of weekends, I needed a really normal person.
That's me. I'm a widow of business!
It's my life! I've chosen it!
At least, I work some place you can FlND when you're looking for it!
OK. Here we are now.
When I want a wife, I'm gonna BUY one!
She's gonna be devoted to me, to my wants and my needs.
Not like YOU. Let's face it, you treated me like dirt!
Not another wild and woolly one.
Honey, you look frozen.
Let me get you a nice hot cup of coffee.
Hi, Dick. Herman.
I'm Billy. Eva, that's me. Cocktail hour!
A drink for Mr Richard Burton.
Drink up!
Drink, just for me. For you, Dick.
- Dick knows how to live! - Stop calling me Dick!
Sorry, Mr Burton.
Maybe we don't know you well enough, but, after "Exorcist ll",
we thought we had something special.
Do a couple of lines from Hamlet, please.
Or "The Sandpiper"!
Leave me alone!
Do "Cleopatra" for me - please!
Please.
"l am Mark Anthony...
"Oh, no, do all...Abyssinia. You know...
"..fall of Cheops... By thee I foreswear."
Oh! Isn't that marvellous?
- Now BEAT lT before I beat you! - "Where Eagles Dare"!
- Lumpy, what a surprise. - Oh God, Claire!
- Claire. - What are you doing here?
You said if it happened again I should come by.
- What happened? - Well...
I have been thinking a lot about the past.
And I started thinking, "Well, I've made a lot of decisions,
"and what would have happened if I had made different decisions?"
- You know what I mean? - Do you mean regret?
Yeah, I'm talking about regret.
You know the thing about regret is that it's never too late.
You can change.
- I deal with that every day. - OK, deal with this.
I wanna take you some place right now and eat Chinese food.
Claire, we've got some huge problems!
There's no fuses in the whole joint.
There are. I'll just be a second.
The A & P didn't send any turkeys!
- Oh, no! - Not one!
I'll call them. Can you wait?
They can handle this. Just go to a store and buy fuses.
And the turkeys?
The turkeys are at the A & P. It's in the phone book under "A".
- No, no, I have to call them. - They're big girls...
..and THEY can do it! Atta girl!
- I'll be right there. - Claire, fire these people!
Fire them?
They're volunteers. They're here out of kindness.
Because no one will PAY them!
It's Christmas Eve.
They're like this every day, I guarantee it!
If you'll just wait one minute, I'll just make the phone call.
No, don't bother.
Wait one minute. Let me finish what I'm doing and I'll come with you.
Take the rest of your life!
Here's some advice, Claire - scrape 'em off.
If you want to save somebody, save yourself.
That's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve.
Merry Christmas.
Bah! Humbug!
Lumpy!
Dick, can you lend me two dollars?
Herman, I blew it all on Liz.
There's suckers inside.
This is the last dress rehearsal.
Pumping, jumping and bumping
Get up and dance
That's your cue, Buddy!
Cue Mr Houseman.
"Ebeneezer Scrooge hurried past the ragged boys,
"who stood shivering in the snow,
"gnawed and mumbled by the hungry cold as bones are gnawed by dogs."
Why do I have to be molested by these sea urchins?
Stop!
Look, Buddy, it says "street urchins".
- That's what I said. - What did he say, sea or street?
- Street urchins. - He did! I'm sorry. You're right.
OK, everybody, that's dinner. One hour! Including walking time!
One hour! You're doing great, Buddy! We need more snow.
Watch that boom-shot. You're right on my urchins.
Oh, Frank.
Baby, how are ya? We were so worried about you.
You all right? We were worried.
I call the meal breaks around here.
Frank, sorry. Hey, you can tell them it's dinner.
Hey, everybody, hold on! Frank's got something to say to ya! Go ahead.
It's time we had a talk, Brice.
I'd love to, but Preston asked me by for a drink so I'll take a raincheck.
Holt, where are you? I need a cigarette.
Hi, Frank! Come on!
Come on out and play with me.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.
Ooh! I'm a little muddled.
Seven, eight. Ooh!
One, two...
Ooh, I'm so relieved. It's been so long. Ah!
Hello, Frank. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.
I had a funny feeling(!)
- Why did you do that? - Sometimes you have to...
SLAP them in the face to get their attention.
Fine, slap me. But you kicked me in the ba...
Hush, Frank. It's time to begin a journey!
Now...
- close your eyes and think... - No!
- You close your eyes. I'm through... - Oh, no!
Close your eyes...!
And think of snowflakes
and moonbeams
and whiskers on kittens... Nooooo peeking!
Of rainbows, forget-me-nots...
of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools.
Oh, look! There's Mr Hedgehog. I wonder where he's going?
Perhaps to HARLEM!
My jaw!
Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.
But it's made your cheeks rosy and your eyes bright.
If you TOUCH ME AGAlN, I'll rip your goddamned wings off! OK?!
You know I like the rough stuff, don't you, Frank?
Oh, God!
Jingle, jingle bells.
Thanks.
Come on, Calvin. Come on.
Merry Christmas, Cooley family!
Mom, you didn't have to come get me.
Are you ready?
- Yeah. - Good.
- Hi, Mom. - Hello.
Come on, Mom!
- Hi, girls. - Hi, Mom.
Is that all I get? I'm going to freshen up.
Leave it alone. No one can do it.
- You two go and wash up now. - OK, Gramma.
Oh, look. He did it!
He's bright. What's wrong with him?
He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago.
He just drifted away like Sleeping Beauty.
I didn't know Grace's husband died!
Remember when she wore black for a year?
I remember her wearing black, but I thought it was a fashion thing.
People were wearing black, you know.
Oh, Frank. My, my, poor Frank.
Is he gonna be OK?
It's his choice. Only HE can break the spell.
Girls! Give him some Christmas love!
A Merry Christmas. God bless us, every one.
Ma!
What are you doing? Get up!
Oh! Oh! Come in, Frank!
Come in and join the fun. Oh!
Oh! What a lovely family! And they're so happy, but so poor!
- You tight-wad! - She may need a raise.
- MAY? - Probably!
- Probably? - Yes!
- Maybe? Probably? Perhaps? - I'm almost positive!
Get off your brother! This boy is mine! PPHT!
Cut it out! Stop it!
Don't forget to watch the show. I'm taking Calvin.
More!
Come on, Frank. Next stop, downtown!
Have was your trip, Frank.
A little joke! Hi, Pluto.
Bark, bark.
What are you barking at out there?
- Go, go! - There's nothing there. Come on.
Let's get down to business!
What a merry feast.
- It looks like a beer commercial. - Let's go in.
Don't mess, Frank. Or I'll fix your mouth so it won't hold soup.
A Christmas party! I'm glad I wore my pretty dress.
On The Addams Family, what instrument did Lurch play?
On The Addams Family, what instrument did Lurch play?
I'm invisible, but I'm NOT DEAF!
Piano.
No, harpsichord.
A harpsichord, James, you dope.
- You knew that! - Everyone knows that.
We'll give it to them.
You shouldn't have given it to them!
You forgot to open your brother's present.
That doesn't look like a towel.
- What did you get last year? - I remember.
- A shower curtain! - It WAS beautiful, with little...
- Little... Yeah! - YOU don't have one!
What have you got him?
- I made this picture frame up... - He made it with his own hands.
I know something you don't know!
- I know something you don't know! - SHUT UP!
It's your basic, top-of-the-line Pioneer VCR!
I think he made a mistake.
I didn't get the gifts mixed up. My EX-secretary got them mixed up.
You invite him every year and he's always busy. When will you learn?
Never. He's my brother.
A toast to my brother Frank. I wish he was here.
- "Were", goofy. - You're too good.
- To Frank. - The richest man you know.
Keep the VCR. What the hell, it's only money.
- It's tax-deductible. - I understand, Frank. I understand.
What boat took them all to Gilligan's lsland?
This is SO easy.
Er, Mako?
- You must know! - Mackerel?
- No. - A fish?!
- Leave me alone. I know this! - Everybody does! Let's go.
- How about this? - Oh, Frank, we're fighting again.
Let's not fight any more. Look, Frank.
What is it?
It's a toaster!
The bitch hit me with a toaster.
I love a girl with spirit. Where are you?
Well, this is nice(!)
Where are we, Trump Tower?
We've seen a bit of the city. Hey! Down here! Down here!
Hey! Yo! Hey, call Streets and Sanitation!
Thanks(!)
Hey, hey! Oh! I'm having the weirdest day.
Cop! Hey, cop!
Help me!
Come here.
Jesus, give me a happy ending here, Herm.
It's Dick.
Liz says hi.
I should've given you the two bucks.
You moron!
You jerk!
Why didn't you stay at Claire's?
She would have taken care of you! You would have eaten and been warm!
You might be alive! You'd be a prettier colour, I'll tell you that!
Is there a way to get out of here, Herman?
That's a door, isn't it?
It is a door, isn't it?
It's the door! A-HA!
It has to be the door, cos it's the only place that doesn't smell of...
..URlNE!
Oh, SHlT!
Hey, you! Joker, get off the set!
Hey! We see you, pal. Get off the set!
- Oh, my God! - It's Mr Cross!
We've been looking all over for you.
Frank, come on. Frank! Like Errol Flynn, huh?
- He's OK. - You go up to your office.
You can check on the satellite links.
- We've got three minutes. - I know.
Break a leg, everybody!
I feel weird about tonight.
Hear that, folks? This one's for Frank. It's his baby.
Don't lose it on me, huh.
It's been an honour to work for the great Frank Cross.
I'll dine out on this for months.
I want Grace to take you upstairs, where things are safer than here. OK?
You're beautiful, Frank. Got any last tips for me?
Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show!
He's here for me!
You think I'm afraid, the day I've had?!
I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.
- Brice! - Stop scaring Frank.
Get this nutcake outta here.
Oh, Jesus.
He's in the show as the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He's great.
That guy's gonna be a big star. Go watch the show...
Five seconds till we go live.
God bless us, every one.
Tonight, live on lBC, a Christmas classic -
Charles Dickens' immortal "Scrooge".
Ready to roll B.
Coming up on three. Three, two, one...
And that's it. Slow pull-out.
Down on Houseman. Lights up.
It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve.
The fog-draped streets of London were deserted...
- He's wonderful. - Give me the beer.
Yes, sir.
.."Old Ebeneezer Scrooge was alone in his gloomy chambers."
As soon as we're off Houseman move to camera three.
- What have we here? - They're dormice, Uncle.
You see. Works like a charm.
They bring you luck.
- Are you lucky? - Sir, I am.
Your niece is my wife, I have a job, and it's the holidays.
Holidays, is it?!
"To Frank, the best brother a guy ever had."
Merry Christmas.
Where the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel, when a poor man came inside
Gathering winter fuel
This is indeed a night for revelation.
Thank you for showing me the true meaning.
Thank me not, Ebenezer, for soon you shall be visited by the final spirit.
The thing that all men fear the most -
The Ghost of Christmas Future.
Oh, help me.
If you were my friend you'd come by...
Honey, I'm home!
Remember me?
The guy you canned the day before Christmas? Merry Christmas.
- Hello, wabbit! - Would you give me a chance?
- Sure. - !
My God! My babies!
Oh, you'd better watch out...
Can't you get back to me? I've had a bad day.
YOU'VE had a bad day! I'll tell you about mine!
I got fired, my wife left me, she took our little baby daughter...
with her.
I can't recall much after that because...
since then...
I've been blind, stinking DRUNK!
He sees you when you're sleeping...
Believe me, Eliot! I'm having a worse day than you! Much worse!
He knows that you've been bad
So be good for goodness' sake
He's making a list
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
Santa Claus is coming to town
Oh, it's you!
Creep. God! Shouldn't you be in the studio?
Back off, big man. It may work with the chicks. Is this straight?
May l?
Did our people do that?
We're gonna get phone calls.
Visiting hours are over, Mrs Cooley.
- I just got here! - We have to go.
Merry Christmas, Calvin.
I'll see you.
This is a possible future, right? This is do-able.
I know the head of paediatrics at NYU. We'll get this kid out of here!
I'm all over this!
Will you look at that!
- Where did they come from? - Hey, you!
- Beat it! - Please?
Gilles, will you look at those filthy little creatures?!
Immédiatement!
Oh, Claire, Claire. They're just children.
Please, darling.
Don't tell ME.
I wasted years on pathetic little creatures like those.
Finally, thank God,
a friend said to me, "Scrape 'em off, Claire.
"lf you want save somebody, save yourself."
I'm sorry, Claire.
Thanks a lot, Lumpy.
Thanks.
That was a lousy thing to do.
Disneyland?
Wendie!
Oh, no.
James. My brother.
He's dead.
Why did this have to happen?
Well, when I get back I'll...
There he is! James!
Who's in there?
"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
"He maketh me to lie down in green pastures,
he leadeth me beside the still waters..."
What the hell are you saying? What? That I've died?
Why are you showing me this?
Why bother to show me this? Oh, jeez.
Help me.
No. Oh!
Don't let them burn me, James!
Jimmy, don't let them burn me!
I'm in here! Oh, God!
Don't let them do it!
Don't let them do it! I'm in here.
No!
I gotta live!
I wanna live!
Oh, God! I wanna live!
I wanna live!
I wanna live!
I'm alive!
Shit! What a break! I'm at work!
It's the sun!
- Oh, God! It's the sun! I'm alive! - Not for long!
Milkman!
Baby, I'm gonna start with you.
Come here!
I'm alive and so are you!
Glad to see me, or is that a shotgun in your pocket?
OK, you heard it! Come on!
Great!
- Don't hurt me! - Relax! Pinch that!
Coming back! Long sole. You know this one?
That's my thing!
Here's the deal.
I hire you at twice your old salary.
I make you my vice-president.
- Would you like my office? - No!
- That's so you! - What's the catch?
The catch is that you've got to take a shower, little man.
There's a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.
That's me! But the great thing is, it's not me!
The Jews taught me this great word - schmuck. I was a schmuck.
And now I'm not a schmuck.
Wait!
- What's the time? - My watch!
It's a quarter to! We didn't miss it!
- We didn't miss it! - What?
Christmas! Merry Christmas! Wow! Are you alone in there?
We're gonna have some fun. We're gonna have fun for once.
Loudermilk and Cross together.
My, what a glorious day.
There has never been such a day! Say, there!
- You, lad! - Yes, sir. Do you mean me?
- Take three. - Yes, indeed!
Buy me a goose. The biggest goose in all of London.
Camera three, follow the coin all the way.
Got it.
Holy shit! That's Frank Cross.
He's nuts!
He's finished!
Shut up!
Don't touch that dial!
- Mike, say hello to your folks. - Hi.
Thanks, Mike.
That's Frank Cross.
- Is he meant to be on? - What in the...?
Merry Christmas. Eliot, how are things up there?
- Open his mike. - Wonderful.
But I don't think you'll be president tomorrow.
At least I'm network president tonight.
- Tomorrow I may not be. - You can bet your ass on that!
What are you doing watching television on Christmas Eve!
Paying your salary, you ass!
What sort of idiot would schedule...
a live show on Christmas Eve?
Only you, Frank!
A week ago I'd have kicked your butt out of here.
But he's absolutely right.
You're looking at a guy who told someone today
to staple antlers to a mouse's head to further my career.
How many of you would try something like that?
Stay on him.
All these people have incredible families,
but I have a great brother.
Look at this guy. Here. Wasn't he cute?
That's me with the ears - a car with open doors! Thank God my hair grew!
I got this today from him. I gave him a towel.
The VCR is from Grace, James.
You were right about everything, OK?
Except...
the SS Minnow, James.
What ship took them all to Gilligan's lsland? The SS Minnow.
No points this round, James.
- Wait a minute... Wait... - How did he know we played that?
Hello, Wendie.
Ouch! Control room, how can I help you?
It's Rhinelander. Who put that moron on the air?!
Brice Cummings, sir. But he can't talk to you right now. He's tied up.
Uh-huh. Yes, in fact he just said that
- you're a flatulent butt-head. - A butt-head?
He's never liked a man in quite the way he likes you.
Oh, no!
Just kidding! She's a doll. It's OK.
It's a party. It's Christmas Eve. Lighten up.
Billy, we need champagne for people,
and don't send the stuff I usually send to other people.
You can still have fun tonight.
Call people you haven't seen - a college friend, an old army buddy,
your personal banker.
Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth!
Great!
- Go on, party! - Why wasn't I invited?
That was just an innocent window and you saw what I did to that!
It's a night you've gotta party hearty, Marty.
Check this out. Whoa-ho! Don't be so mean. Ugh!
Look!
There's a rule, a tradition which says...
I have to kiss this girl.
She's just upholding the law. It's a federal law, actually.
Oh, Mr Cummings!
Boy, that was very good. But you know what?
It wasn't great. There's only been one "great".
There is a girl...
that I wish I were with tonight.
It's a girl that I loved a long time ago.
A girl that I still love.
It's not too late, is it?
Claire, you remember the Kama Sutra, page ?
Our legs are like this. You circle me, chanting, before we begin?
It was practically impossible.
Tonight, we could do this without serious physical damage.
- I need to get to lBC in minutes. - Which floor?
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Tis the season to be jolly
Don we now our gay apparel
Troll the ancient yuletide carol
We should be taping this.
How did that happen?
That happened because it's Christmas Eve.
I'm not crazy. It's Christmas Eve.
It's the one night when we all act a little nicer.
We...we smile a little easier. We...we...share a little more.
For a couple of hours we are the people we always hoped we would be.
It's really a miracle because it happens every Christmas Eve.
And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it. I know.
You have to do something. You have to take a chance and get involved.
There are people that don't have enough to eat and who are cold.
You can go and greet these people.
Take an old blanket out to them or make a sandwich and say, "Here."
"l get it now."
And if you give, then it can happen, the miracle can happen to you.
Not just the poor and hungry, Everybody's gotta have this miracle!
It can happen tonight for you all!
If you believe in this pure thing,
the miracle will happen and you'll want it again tomorrow!
You won't say, "Christmas is once a year and it's a fraud." It's not!
It can happen every day! You've just got to want that feeling!
You'll want it every day! It can happen to you!
I believe in it now.
I believe it's gonna happen to me, now. I'm ready for it!
And it's great. It's a good feeling.
It's better than I've felt in a long time.
I'm ready.
Have a Merry Christmas. Everybody.
Calvin!
Did I forget something, big man?
God bless us, every one.
Lumpy! Lumpy, no!
Oh! Feels like boating a marlin.
Claire, the whole world. The whole world, Claire.
And they lived happily ever after.
Think of your fellow man
Lend him a helping hand
Put a little love in your heart
You see it's getting late, so please don't hesitate
Put a little love in your heart
And the world...
Will be a better place
And the world will be a better place for you...
And me
Just wait and see...
Another day goes by...
And still the children cry
Put a little love in your heart
And your world will be a better place
And the world...
Will be a better place...
For you and me
So just you wait and see...
Another day goes by and still the children cry
Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in your heart
Put a little love in your heart...
Feed me, Seymour. Feed me!
Let's hear it from all you out there.
You know the words, come on!
Let's hear it from this side.
That's no good. Let's try the other side.
How about just the men? Come on.
All right. The real men.
All right. The women this time.
No, the real women. You know who you are.
OK, you! YOU making all the noise!
My brother, the King of Christmas.