Voila! Finally, the Sex And Death 101 script is here for all you fans of the Winona Ryder movie. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Sex And Death 101 quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Sex And Death 101 Script
Who the hell's Roderick Blank?
[Narrating]
That would be me.
You ever see a guy
walking down the street
looking so happy and content
you wanna find the nearest brick
and turn his face
into hamburger meat?
I'm sorry. That April morning,
I was that guy.
I couldn't help it.
I had what I thought
at the time to be it all:
excellent job,
excellent soon-to-be wife,
excellent life.
If only I hadn't let Trixie
open that last e-mail.
What would you say if I broke out
into song right now?
You know how this good mood thing
of yours is killing me, Rod.
And yet... you persist.
[laughs]
Stop.
Stop! Or we're never gonna
get through these e-mails.
- [beep]
- Oh. Here's a beauty from Lester.
"'Re: Bachelor Party Stripper Crisis."
Have I told you how grateful I am
that I'm a lesbian?
Delete! Delete!
My God.
Men like Lester are the reason
Death Nell was invented.
[Narrating]
I was a man above temptation.
Other woman had lost all appeal.
One in particular.
They called her Death Nell,
even though, technically,
she hadn't killed anyone.
Different hairstyles,
different outfits,
different spray-painted messages.
- [rasping]
- [puncturing]
The same comatose result.
[thud]
It was all we could
talk about that spring.
Five dates leading
to subversive seduction
and ending in endless slumber.
She was the worst thing
to happen to men,
and the best thing
to happen to media
in quite some time.
Needless to say, I had
picked the perfect moment
to be getting out of the game.
For every guy or gal,
there comes a time
when you say, it’s time.
Meet Fiona Wormwood,
my wife-to-be.
Stop staring, perv.
[Roderick narrating]
It's funny, looking back.
She was not the sweetest girl in the world.
Just, I-- I like-- okay.
But when it comes to
the person you're spending
the rest of your life with,
you want a bit of a sting.
There.
Your married friends
call you up for a barbecue.
-They tell you...
- It's time.
Your parents tell you...
- Son, it's time.
- [wheezing]
The whole damn universe tells you.
Don't make me the villain.
I told your sister
exactly how many pounds
she had to drop
to fit into that bridesmaid's dress.
Enough.
Let's talk about orchids. Orchids.
[Roderick narrating]
Yep. It was time.
[Trixie] Okay, if you can
tear yourself back to work...
Thank you.
I've downloaded the Big Mac.
I mean The Matador!
I don't know.
It looks like two all-beef patties,
special sauce,
lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions
on a sesame seed bun to me.
Boss.
Hey, that's very special sauce--
[Narrating]
As for the "excellent job" part of my life,
I like to tell reporters,
"It's always been
my dream to work
in a fast-food restaurant."
[chuckles]
I was being cute.
Our place was different.
You know...classy.
The plan was simple.
Swallow up the food names,
sleek the uniforms,
Starbuck the decor.
[chuckles]
Welcome to Swallows.
One Swallow Cornucopia to go!
Have a startling and unique day.
You, too.
Please, Trixie, tell me that was
the last goddamn e-mail.
- No, there's one more.
- [beep]
- Hold on.
- [computer chirping]
Doesn't say who it's from.
- [clicking mouse]
- [beep]
I don't know.
I'm getting, like, a virus vibe here.
Okay! It's your life.
Oh, that's weird.
It's a list of names.
Must be more wedding bullshit.
Well, they're all women's names.
Number one-- does the name
Patricia Francini ring a bell?
Patricia Francini?
Whoa, I haven't heard that name in...
Patty and I were co-captains
of my high school debate team,
her main claim
to fame being that,
in classic backseat drive-in fashion,
she took my virginity.
Clan of the Cave Bear
was the movie.
Drive-in's now a Staples.
What did you say this list was?
I didn't, unless Allison Bradbury
is the second girl
you ever had sex with.
- Whoa.
- No way.
Are you saying this is a list of
everyone you ever had sex with?
- Who's number three?
- [laughing]
Well, that would be Debbie Roberts.
No, wait. She was four.
Who was the spooky
drunk girl at the 4-H fair?
I had to drive her home,
'cause her brother was, uh--
Daisy Milos Ross?
- Yes! Crazy Daisy!
- [typing]
Milos-- what? Ross?
Who sent this?
Is this some...
pre-bachelor party trick,
of all the girls I've loved before?
But who would know
about Daisy Milos Ross?
Damn, Roderick, this is
an insane amount of pussy.
Well, thanks.
I don't know if I'd
call 29 women insane.
I guess some guys might be impressed
by the big two-nine,
but I racked up most of those numbers
as an undergrad.
Uh, Sparky?
There's more than 29 wild oats
on this list, a lot more.
Trix. T. Now, it's not like
I'm one of those silly guys
that keeps track
of how many, uh--
[laughs]
All right. Fine.
Every guy is one
of those silly guys--
Stop! The ever-delightful
Fiona Wormwood,
soon to be Fiona Blank,
is indeed numero 29.
But, dude, the list keeps going.
Closing out at...
a hundred and one.
That's impossible.
Wait. April Fool's Day today, isn't it?
That was yesterday.
Today's the second.
Hmm...
One of the guys.
Zack, Chico, Lester--
no, Lester.
Especially Lester.
What better way to mess with me
than by sending me the names of
all the women I've had sex with?
Teasing me
with an obviously made-up roster.
72 more tantalizing
female names to, uh--
Symbolize all the fine trim you'll be sacrificing
once you get married.
Exactly. Yes.
- Hmm.
- Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
You sure you don't have
a Carlotta Valdes shacked up somewhere?
I mean, according to the list,
she's next up.
- [clicking mouse]
- Carlotta Valdes.
Followed by Cynthia Rose.
Followed by--
Well, whoever did this
sure put in the hours.
Print it.
[speaking Japanese]
Sayonara!
- [door closes]
- [drops objects]
[Narrating]
So, now you know.
The last goddamn e-mail.
The list.
Every woman I ever,
followed by every woman I--
[Trixie on phone]
You're not still staring at that list.
- [beep]
- No comment.
Oh, did I remember to warn you
that you're gonna be kidnapped
from work for your bachelor party?
[door opens]
[screaming, whooping]
Whoa!
Hey, Roderick.
How are you doing?
[men chattering]
- Ready to party, Rod?
- Oh, no, no.
No one said anything about
this going down at my house.
- Lester.
- What?
This is my house.
Fiona gave us permission.
Oh, you're insane.
[chuckling]
- Interesting e-mail today.
- Mmm!
Worry not.
I found a new stripper.
Oh, no. Not the stripper crisis.
The, uh, kooky one. The list.
- What list?
- The list of--
- What are you talking about?
- [doorbell]
- Names.
- Well, our fair lady's here, gentlemen!
Turn that up!
Rule six.
No ham radio operating.
- Get it? Breasts?
- [Men] Aww...
No ham radio operating.
Rule seven.
No checking the oil.
- [Man] Checking the oil?
- Get it?
Vagina!
No checking the oil.
- And I loved the touch of adding to the list
- Rule eight...
the names of women
I've yet to have sex with.
- No cotton candy.
- What do you mean, man? What list?
Oh. Yeah. "What list?"
Hey! You two jokers
in the back!
Show Precious some respect!
This is a bachelor party.
It ain't fun and games.
Who wants to play
musical lap dances?
- [men hoot]
- [rock]
[man snoring]
[rowdy yelling]
- [music stops]
- Aw! Too bad!
- [smooch]
- [men chatter]
Goodbye!
[rock]
[vomiting]
Mm. You call this decadence?
Bro, it was you!
If only women knew.
The bachelor party.
The best commercial for marriage.
Cream for your coffee?
Mm! Uh, no thanks. Carbs.
You laughing at the old coot?
Yeah, I'm sorry. I am.
Hey, what about you?
You're walking around
your own party, here,
obsessing about
your former conquests.
Well, it's actually
a little more complicated.
I was fine until this morning.
I got this crazy list of women--
No! No! No!
I don't wanna see it.
You don't wanna see it.
Hell, you probably sent it
to yourself when you were drunk.
If you're looking for a way out...
Rod, you'll find it.
No, it-- it's nothing like that.
Stop looking.
Hang in here for another hour.
Get married next week.
Have a kid.
Reinvent the tater tot! Make a lot
of money! Have another kid.
- Say, "Thanks, Zack."
- Okay. Thanks, Zack.
- Mm-hmm.
- Maybe you're right.
Yo! Groom.
- Grand finale.
- [men whooping]
Don't worry.
Lester's paid for it.
[loud yammering]
Yikes.
How's that for
ham radio, buddy?
- [drunken laughter]
- Yeah!
- [Precious giggling] Oh, yeah! Yeah!
- [door knobs jostling]
- [Rod moans]
- [Precious] Give it to me, big boy!
[Roderick]
Oh, that's the way you like it?
Oh, yeah! Harder!
[giggling]
This is my oldest. He's four.
- Fuck me!
- This is your oldest?
Wow. He's a good-looking kid.
He's gonna break a lot of hearts.
- Yes! Yes!
- [giggles]
- Yes!
- Goddammit! Harder!
So are you planning on
having kids with your wife?
Well, definitely. Yeah.
But you know, right now, we can't even
agree on what kind of dog to--
Whoa! Precious,
I told you I don't want
- to cross the line of--
- [unzips]
- Whoa!
- [opens condom packet]
- Oh, gosh.
- [both laugh]
I'm so sorry.
I honestly thought
you were kidding about
all that "men can be feminists, too" stuff.
Can you blame me for the confusion?
Well, just because I'm giving you
a standing ovation, my darling,
doesn't mean that we
have to, you know-- I--
- I think we better--
- Got it.
That's what I'm talking about.
Doin' it--
Hey, I don't want you to take
any of this personally.
I just-- you know.
Goddamn, what kind
of condom is this?
Your fiancée is lucky.
She's got one of the good ones.
I wish I was more into
successful white dudes,
but, um--
[giggles]
two broke Latin husbands, and--
Jesus, stop me.
[laughs]
Anyway, man, gracias.
Seriously.
Gracias?
Um, Precious, your real name
wouldn't happen to be Carlotta...
- [squish]
- [gasps] Valdes?
How did y--
Who told you that?
Um, I think your bodyguard
might have mentioned it.
Like that asshole
knows my real name.
So, you staying back there, or...
[softly]
Why is it so quiet in there?
- [Roderick narrating] Carlotta Valdes.
- [chair squeaking]
Number 30.
This was more than
a bachelor party trick,
more than a loyalty test.
This was sex.
And I had a print-out.
I was in the throes of
a sacrilegious epiphany,
in possession of
a magical document
that promised
an embarrassment of bitches.
And yet, did it
void my earlier,
rather impassioned soliloquy
about how it's time?
To settle down?
To marry Fiona?
Right then, I nobly revowed
my eternal resistance
to other women.
Remember how freaked out you were
when you first noticed
the centerfold was
younger than you?
Ah, yes, the...
central trauma of
every American male.
Look at this baby.
- And I mean baby.
- [sirens]
Born in 1984. 1984.
My life was, like, done by '84.
- What are her turn-ons?
- Mmm....
Pudding, air hockey,
and pudding.
[sputters]
Bimbo said "pudding" twice.
[snickers]
I do like air hockey.
"Cynthia Rose is
looking for a man
who's confident, successful,
with a nice set of abs."
Well, zero out of three ain't bad.
What did you say her name was?
[turning pages]
Cynthia Rose.
Nice.
Oh...
[chuckles]
Thank you.
Dude, you're not
gonna buy the issue?
[footsteps]
You look like a Carl.
Can I call you Carl?
You talking to me?
You ever fantasize
about escaping, Carl?
Escaping this land,
this magical land
of the newsstand,
where all the girls
are right about
to pull off their panties,
but they never quite do.
Must be kind of frustrating.
Look, if you don't like
the merchandise, babe,
pssht!
Found this on
your dashboard.
It's a unique color.
Kinda like the one
the Parkside Peeper wears.
Wait. Uh...
[sighs heavily]
Look, I have a disease.
- Okay?
- Okay.
And you could say that
I, too, am a victim,
- because--
- Hey! No. Carl.
Don't get me wrong.
I think it's kinda hot.
I mean, how would I know
you were watching
if I wasn't watching you?
Wha-- You've been
peeping on me peeping?
Mm-hmm.
Oh. That is hot.
Wait, I c--
I can't tell if you're playing
some feminazi mindfuck game on me
or if you're really trying to seduce me.
Well, Carl, why don't we go back
to my hotel and find out?
Pussy is da' bomb. No?
This is a joke, right?
Ten seconds on
the shot clock, Kobe.
- Come on! I--
- [chuckles]
- This stuff only happens in the movies--
- Five--
I'm the only one
working this shift, I--
Get out of here.
Are you gay?
Are you impotent?
Or are you just chicken?
Honey?
Sweetie, look.
Your tuxedo.
- Rod?
- [Rod narrating] Perhaps it wasn't
time after all.
Don't worry, I didn't cancel
the wedding or anything.
I'm not an asshole.
I needed to figure things out.
Of course, I didn't
bring up number 31,
Cynthia "Miss April" Rose.
I stuck to the basics.
"It's not you, it's me."
"I don't want to get married
just to get married."
I think I even threw in
a "things have been crazy at work."
Fiona took it well... too well.
I think my sweetie has
a little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
It's more than that, Fi.
I said, I think my sweetie
has a little case of cold feet.
You're nervous.
I'd be scared if you weren't.
I'm being honest.
We're getting married
in 11 days, Roderick.
We are past the point of honesty.
We have a goddamn church booked.
Deposits...
orchids.
And you drop this
on me right now
before I'm about
to get on a plane
to go away with the girls
to a spa for the weekend,
you goddamn son of a--
Orchids...
[crying]
[Narrating]
It was one thing to upheave my own life,
but to break the heart of another
was too much for me.
I told Fiona what
she needed to hear
and provided
the requisite snuggles.
That's when I saw it.
No, not that.
This.
Pardon my fucking French,
but we're talking about
a fucking centerfold here.
Fucking a fucking
centerfold, if you will.
And believe me, I will.
Last fling like this, I'll never have to look
at another woman again, right?
Right?
Back of the line, bro.
[chattering]
[Man]
Okay, gentlemen, don't rush.
[bell jingles]
Get out of the way,
will you?
- Don't push! Get out of my way!
- Come on, man!
[men chattering]
[Man]
Hey, stay in line, please.
[Man #2]
I know how to play air hockey!
[Man]
You each get a chance.
[chattering]
[whistles]
[camera beeps]
Fiona.
Hey, Fi...
you're probably
already on the plane.
I just wanted to apologize
again for this morning.
I don't know what's
going through my head.
- I just--
- Is that your car?
[imitating static]
Bad connection. Yeah.
The geeks are revolting.
Like, literally.
My name's Cynthia Rose.
- You can call me Cyn.
- Okay.
- [bells jingle]
- [starts engine]
[tires screeching]
The guy was so serious.
"You must be
so proud of those."
I was like,
"Dude, they're my breasts,
they're not my S.A.T. scores."
So, I thought if I flashed him
he'd shut up,
but who knew the whole store
would flip out?
I'm sorry, I forgot.
How long did you say
you've been living on this planet?
[laughs]
[Narrating]
Coffee became cocktails,
cocktails became dinner,
and dinner became...
You guessed it.
Air hockey.
Darn it!
I thought your centerfold
said air hockey was your game.
Are you always this
suave and arrogant?
Well, it's only two
of my many adjectives.
I can't believe
I'm talking like this.
I'm getting married
in less than two weeks.
My fiancée is doing this
bachelorette spa thing this weekend--
Wait a minute,
you're getting married?
Yep.
Well, why didn't you say so?
That changes everything!
How would you like
to do me a favor?
A favor?
What kind of fav--
Don't worry.
It'll end in sex.
[Trixie]
Yes, number 31, Cynthia Rose.
You know this is the most
maniacal shit ever, right?
Trix, I'm sure there's some
logical explanation for all this.
I'm not going to
wait around for it.
- [snaps]
- Keys?
[Roderick narrating]
Cynthia Rose wanted to bring
a presentable man
home to Daddy.
The favor would last
another 24 hours.
Meeting another father
under the guise of boyfriend
felt more like cheating
than the cheating.
But as paper beats rock,
desire beats guilt.
Desire beats everything.
[Cynthia]
I just said that I like baking,
and the next day, the centerfold
family came up with this concept.
It was like
a built-in kitchen set
with this apron that--
Don't abuse the word "family.”
You know as well as I do,
they're just making you
an accomplice
in your own exploitation.
Well, that's better than
not being an accomplice
in my own exploitation.
You asked me what makes a man,
Roderick, and I'm going to tell you.
[Roderick narrating]
Actually, I hadn't asked.
But there was no stopping Victor Rose III.
Yes, her father
was the Victor Rose,
entrepreneur extraordinaire.
Getting to have sex tonight
was going to be more complicated
than I could ever imagine.
My parents believed in tradition,
honor, dignity, faith, and free trade,
and separate bedrooms for couples
that are not married.
A toast to the fiery Rose family.
- [woman groaning]
- May you--
Sorry, Roderick.
Every family has
a sick grandmother,
and Granny C just happens to be
really old and really scary.
Stop! Mother deserves
some respect,
not to be treated like a leper.
Despite her grotesque skin disease.
[high-pitched moaning]
Dessert, Roderick?
[knocking]
[Roderick]
Are you decent?
[Cynthia]
Absolutely!
[mimicking Victor]
Dessert, Roderick?
[snickers]
Oh. Uh...
You asked if I was decent.
You didn't ask if--
Yes, my roommate in college
always used to do that gag.
It plays better with you.
Lots.
Believe it or not,
you did pretty good tonight.
Great.
That old bear down the hall
is going to be simply crushed
when we break up.
You know, your father
seems pretty serious
about the separate bedroom edict.
The greater the danger,
the greater the thrill.
That's what I say.
Give me five minutes.
I'm two doors down to the left.
Some guys have this annoying habit
of stopping to ask me
if they're boinking me too hard.
Don't ask and don't stop.
Foreplay's for losers.
Hmm.
Better make that three minutes.
Yeah.
- [puts on condom]
- [sighs]
- [moaning softly]
- [woman moaning softly]
[both moaning louder]
Oh...yes.
[Victor]
What's going on in there?
Ooh, who died?
It's all right, Roderick.
Mother prayed for
this day many times.
She's at peace now.
She can keep my son company.
Say hello to Vic, Jr., Mommy!
Cyn. Sir, I'm so sorry.
- You must really--
- Yeah, whatever.
She was ancient
and my brother was a jerk.
What was with you last night?
Why didn't you come?
Come?
With your father
barging in like that,
didn't really leave a lot of time
for either one of us
to hit the jackpot.
You know, as they say,
if at first you don't succeed,
try, try again.
What are you talking about?
Why didn't you come to my room?
I didn't see you at all.
I guess it was
pretty dark, but--
Mother had the strangest,
sweetest, little smile on her face.
I'm convinced that her last moments
on this mortal coil
were ones of pleasure.
When you said
two doors to the left,
did you mean
your left or my left?
What are you talking--
I don't know, I guess
it was my left. Why?
Granny C happens to be
really old and...
C. as in Cynthia,
as in Cynthia Rose,
as in number 31 on your list,
as in there's more than one, dipshit!
You fucked my mother!
[screaming]
- [slams door]
- [screaming continues]
[screaming, crying]
And if you were to put
your hand on the bun...
[screaming]
[Narrating]
I raced home to tell Fiona everything.
Okay, not everything.
Not anything.
What woman, a week
before her wedding,
wants to hear about
some crazy list of women?
Not to mention, I mean
really not to mention,
her future husband's involvement
with an 88-year-oId Ieper.
I was sure Fiona would
take me into her arms.
- Honey, I'm home!
- Instead, she just took.
I never liked this couch.
Fi?
Fiona, what have you done?
- Why are you--
- You're getting off easy and you know it.
I don't understand.
I adore you.
I want to make you my wife.
It's like you've got
this lost, far-away look,
like you're thinking about
the hundreds of other women
you plan to sleep with
before you die.
Hundreds?
70 at most.
Keep going.
You're the guy
who notices haircuts.
- You never forget Valentine's Day.
- No.
You always have the right,
supportive thing to say,
even if you don't mean it.
You're not some evil,
sexist jerk, Rod.
So who are you?
I am someone that will
love and support you--
Oh.
It's not an oral exam.
I'm going to get up
off this couch now.
I'm going to walk to the door.
[sighs]
Do I want you to stop me?
Yes.
Just as my hand is on the knob,
I want you to tackle me
and hold me and tell me
that you can never let me go,
while tears stream
down both our faces.
But you better mean it, Rod.
Because right now,
you're just one
of the bigger mistakes
I've ever made.
But if you convince me to stay,
and you can't back it up
with every inch of your soul,
then you will be a true villain.
- Good call, buddy!
- Ah!
You made the right
decision, Mr. Blank,
but it's not like
you had much of a choice.
Whoo!
[snorts]
Okay, what's happening?
Where am I?
Who are you people?
Hello, Mr. Blank.
I'm Alpha, he's Beta,
and that's Fred.
[Beta]
We're here to tell you everything, Mr. Blank.
This isn't a dream,
and it isn't a dream
within a dream, either.
You're not going
to wake up at the end,
and I'm your gardener
and these are your pool boys.
This is about the list, isn't it?
[scoffs]
Of course it's about the list!
You must be freaking out.
Seriously, what number
are you at right now--
Down, Fred.
Mr. Blank...
some people you don't know
found some things you don't know
in a place you don't know.
And these things have been
very useful in making a new thing.
One that apparently
knows everything.
A thing that knows everything,
like a computer, a supercomputer.
I prefer the word "machine."
Now, this machine will take
a few lifetimes to figure out,
and I wouldn't go as far
as to call it an oracle,
but it is...oraclesque.
Last week, it sent out
about 2,900 e-mails,
answers to questions nobody asked--
not us, not the e-mail recipients.
Almost everyone received nothing more
than an individual date--
day, month, year.
You're very lucky you didn't
get that one, Mr. Blank.
It was the day
of the recipient's death.
But then there's you.
Yes, a few of the e-mails
drew an unnatural
attention to themselves.
Well, yeah, but yours
is the best, far and away.
A list of everyone you're
going to have sex with?
Oh man, this other poor dick
got the same list.
One name!
The wife that he lost
his virginity to.
What a sap!
- Fred--
- I mean, can you imagine?
[Beta]
Fred!
Mr. Blank, I think you know
where I'm going with this.
If people were to find out
about the machine,
it would cause panic
and confusion and--
You're threatening me?
Not to be a smart-ass.
If your little oracle is for real,
then I can't die
before bedding down
the last lady on the list.
Grand to finally
meet you, Mr. Blank.
The door is at
the end of the hall.
Yeah, and if you
have any questions,
drop in any time, bro.
Can't believe
I believe all this.
But you do,
and we appreciate it.
You've been guaranteed
a robust sex life, Mr. Blank.
That should be enough for you.
Lose the list.
Burn it, bury it,
whatever you need to do.
If you let the list in your life,
it will infect
every fiber of your being.
Bye-bye.
[chatter]
[bike bell rings]
I like him.
He seems sensible.
Hey, hey, uh, almighty, all-knowing guys?
You just confirmed the validity
of a list of 101 sure things.
Okay? So, a list like that,
doesn't get burned or buried.
It gets used.
And I mean, it gets, like,
crazy-montage-sequence used.
"French-New Wave,
learning Gymkata,
I can't believe they could afford
that song" montage.
[laughing]
It's gonna be fucking nuts!
He's just--
He's going to fuck a lot.
[New Wave]
[sighs]
I'm surrounded softly
By the beat
Still dumbfounded
By the intolerable heat
You came close to me
And you danced
It came close to
Being my last
I'll take what's mine
Before I regret it
I'm saving that seat
for a friend.
What's your name?
Kathleen, Mr. Manners.
- That's a shame.
- What did you say?
Oh, I said, it's a nice name.
Roderick Blank.
Ooh, first and last names,
how formal.
- Well...
- Ah.
Here's my standing up friend
and colleague Greta Sampsa.
This is the guy who took your seat.
Greta Sampsa, now that's
a fantastic name.
What would you like?
A slow, nasty fuck
on the coffee table.
Would you like that
with Bacardi or Myer's?
Bacardi.
[laughs]
Did you know I was
talking about a drink?
Maybe, maybe not.
I'll take what's mine before I...
This your only piece of ID?
You swear you're
not named after
anyone else in your family?
Listen, you're cute and I'm drunk,
and my plane is grounded
until tomorrow,
but if you want to--
I'll take what's mine
Before I...
Noreen!
Leslie and Yuca!
- Here you go.
- Thanks, Bill.
Enjoy.
[Bill]
Julie!
You're having my sex
You're sleeping with my wife
You're having my kids
and the time of my life
You're writing my book
You're starring in my film
You have the number one
and my number ten
We could be such
very good friends
If you let me in
The higher the gates,
the longer the wait
Please let this poor boy sin
You're having my sex
You're sleeping with my wife
You're having my kids
and the time of my life
You're writing my book
You're starring in my film
[Narrating] I'd say that
I was mature and content.
But if you have to say
that stuff out loud,
it can't possibly be true.
I thought I was above
all the hot chicks,
high-five,
beer-commercial bullshit.
I was above nothing.
The list was life.
Have a startling and unique day,
- Mr. Blank.
- Thank you.
Wait a second,
how did you know my name?
Swallows is the case study
in my business class.
I thought I'd get some first-hand experience
and make a little money
at the same time.
Very little money.
That's fascinating...
Alexis.
Alexis de Large.
Wait a minute.
How did you know my last name?
Yeah, yeah!
That's the way you like it.
[Man] Well, yes, I find
the honey mustard sauce
really brings out the flavor.
Pull my hair.
[Man]
What?
Up to the window.
[gasping]
Have a startling
and u-- u-- u--
[Man] Is it too late
to squeeze in a cherry pie?
[Roderick narrating]
April to August,
I went from number to number 62.
Maybe I was moving too fast.
But then, I guess
I was supposed to.
I crossed out the names,
but remembered the faces.
Their stare, my stare.
We think if we exchange
the meaningful stare,
the meaning will kick in later.
But does it?
One or both of you
try to say something like,
"It's just sex."
But is it?
[beeps]
[Woman] You think sending me
a bunch of roses
- is going to make me--
- [beeps]
[Woman #2]
You think paying my car insurance
- is going to make me forget that you cheat--
- [beeps]
[Woman #3]
A stuffed animal?
I overheard a waitress say
you paid off her car ins--
[beeps]
[Zack]
Earth to Roderick Blank!
Stop having hot sex.
Get your ass up to the house
for a barbeque.
It is my boy Max's birthday.
Or my son Kyle. Be here!
[beeps]
[Narrating]
When my wedding was canceled,
there had been a chill
among the married folk.
You'd have thought
I'd left them at the altar.
But now they kind of
like having me around.
The ladies' man.
Lizzie is an amazing
woman, Zack.
I mean, what she's done with that clinic.
[whistles]
The way she's raised
your two kids.
Yeah, yeah, my wife's
a goddamn saint.
Now, this stewardess,
did she say,
"Come on my ass"
or "Come in my ass?"
Oh, Roderick's definition
of having children
is a little different than ours.
Why raise them
when you can pork them?
Ooh!
Lizzie, how many times
do I have to tell you?
I didn't know
she was your niece.
Besides, she's 19-- and a half.
And I found her to be
very mature for her age.
[women grousing]
- Rod!
- So bad.
[Narrating]
Husbands, wives,
kids, families.
It was not just a world
I was supposed to want,
it was a world
I genuinely wanted.
What's life without experiencing
the wonder of a child?
- [Boy] I named my hamster Dog.
- Oh.
And when I get a dog, I'm going
to name him after you.
- [chuckles]
- Mr. Butt.
You about ready?
- Yeah.
- [child whining]
You know,
maybe they're right.
I should lower the old periscope
for a while,
hold out for someone special.
Special?
If the subject is
cooking or crab grass,
then you can listen
to married people.
Come on.
You're hitting baskets
from everywhere on the court.
This is no time
to go back to the bench.
Hey. I'm Bob.
- Rod, is it?
- Yeah.
My apologies, I just--
I couldn't help overhearing
your good fortune with
the female of the species.
I'm hoping it'll rub off.
And why is that, kind sir?
Oh, funny story.
One morning
about five months ago,
I came to work, and right there
on my computer screen,
a day, a month and a year.
A date. Today's date.
I'm utterly convinced
that it's a sign.
The night that
I'm to meet my soul mate.
- [sotto voce] You had to ask him.
- I've gone as far
as to procure lodgings
down the street
at the Hotel Taboo.
Kind of spicy.
Wait.
You received an unexplained date
as an e-mail?
Yeah.
Your next drink's on me.
Oh, how very kind of you.
[woman vocalizing]
[rock]
Oh...
I'd like to be the meat
in that fairy sandwich.
So out of your league
in so many ways.
I need two girls
If I can't have you
- Holy lesbo.
- [laughing]
Is that Bambi and Thumper?
I need two girls
If I can't have you
All right, Trix, they're all yours.
I'm out.
- [Trixie laughs]
- Where's he--
What league are we
talking about here?
You don't know Bambi Kidd
and Thumper Wint?
The Euro-Prague rock superstar
and the British astronaut?
Rod! The Blog!
The reality show.
The daily streaming video.
They are the Beyond-Ultimate
Lesbian Power Couple.
They go from town to town,
mm, raising awareness
on important issues
by empowering young women...
and then seducing them.
I'm hoping for an autograph.
Or a three-way.
Oh, back off,
they're looking over here.
[Roderick narrating] My friends,
it's not about buying them flowers.
It's not about pretending
to ignore them.
It's all about just knowing.
I know, easy for me to say.
Bambi and Thumper, was it?
Bambi and Thumper.
W-Why are they staring at you?
Oh, you've got to be kidding.
Don't tell me one of them
is on that fucking list.
- That list of fucking--
- No, one of them is not on the list.
[Narrating]
But you see, even before the list,
I always knew just knowing
beats any gift, tactic,
or opening line,
no matter what
the sexual orientation.
If I can't have you
One that I can love
To have and to hold
One for at the club
Wish me luck.
I may be coming in late tomorrow.
Rod?
Hey, Rod! Hey!
Hey, I found her!
She's the one!
Can you-- What a night!
[sighs]
What a night, indeed.
Hey, have you thought any more
about my offer, my love?
I mean, yours are nice,
don't get me wrong.
Really, really nice,
but is there really
such a thing as too big?
- Let's just enjoy this moment.
- All right.
Just, you know, with my position
at the company,
I get a 40% discount on
whatever kind of implant you want.
- [spraying]
- Hey, Bob.
Seriously, enjoy the moment.
Okay. You win.
- [laughs, sighs]
- [spraying continues]
"My wounds are deeper
than your desires."
"My wounds are deeper
than your desires."
"My wounds are deeper
than your desires."
"My wounds are deeper
than your desires."
Drink?
Don't mind if I do.
Is the gentleman surprised
that he's here?
No, the gentleman is not.
Oh! Did you hear that,
Miss Kidd?
He's very cocky.
Accent on the cock, Miss Wint.
[chuckles]
Boy, my assistant
is gonna kill me--
That is so sweet.
He is trying to talk to us.
Man-guy, just sign the confidentiality
agreement on the table.
Now.
The kind sir does understand
a vegan doesn't tell her friends
that she just wolfed down
a greasy cheeseburger.
[swing squeaks]
Yes, the kind sir
understands... kind of.
Bottoms up.
- [woman screams]
- [thud]
[laughs]
Whoa!
Looks like everyone's having
a good time tonight, huh?
So what do you say
about round two?
I may need a little
in about 30 minutes.
And I'd like you to meet
my family, if that's okay.
I was thinking, I'm from, uh--
Oh, my God!
Is that paint?
- Does that come off?
- [chuckling]
Wh-- why would you do that?
I put this room
on my credit card.
What are you trying to do,
imitate that disturbed woman
who's going around...
Oh, dear.
What can I say, Bob?
Some dreams are
too true to be good.
Well, I must say,
you're being a real cun--
uh-- I didn't say it--
cunning woman, you are.
That's what I was--
I was g-- help?
[Bambi, in next room]
Ow! I was faking it!
Don't tell me you
were faking it, Miss Kidd.
I know when you're faking it,
and you did that thing with your toes!
- No...
- Bambi, Thumper, please, don't fight.
You said you wouldn't
get jealous, Miss Wint!
[yelping, grunting]
Okay. Maybe fight
a little more.
This is not about sex!
This is about intimacy!
Real intimacy!
That's it.
Turn the cameras off.
Keep the camera rolling!
- Cameras? Rolling?
- [thud]
Oh, no, no. No, this is crazy.
You can't film this!
Well, you did know the confidentiality
agreement's really a release form.
Haven't you seen our show?
Don't you change
the subject, Star Whore.
[Thumper laughing]
- [glass shatters]
- [squealing, struggling]
Help me, somebody!
It's her! She's here!
I think they're kind of having
some problems of
their own there, Bob.
Please! Just tell me
what you want from me!
Why don't you sleep on it, Bob?
Take forever, if you have to.
Don't. Please. Please.
Please wait. Just wait. Wait.
I-- This is not fair.
It's not like I hit you,
or roofied you,
or openly exploited you in--
Oh, this is the breast
implant thing? Okay.
Look, I'm just
the company accountant.
I keep the books! Please!
All I need to know is, why?
I deserve a good reason--
Why do men always
get to have reasons?
Did you think women get to have
reasons when they get attacked?
I want everyone on red alert here.
Although you do bring up
a legitimate point.
I mean, you're not
Master Bitchslap
or the Parkside Peeper.
Or even that captain
of the lacrosse team, who--
Whoap!
[thud]
Bob?
Oh...Bob.
- [car drives by]
- Aw, pilgrim.
Guess it was just your time.
- [Bambi and Thumper struggling, yelping]
- [objects breaking]
[groans]
[screaming, shattering]
Oh, yeah...
What a night.
- [whimper]
- [sighs]
What time do you have to
be down at the new location?
Trixie?
Hey, I'm sorry about last night.
If it makes you feel any better,
it was the most
traumatic night of my--
Okay, well, it wasn't all bad, but...
I'm sorry. It's always been a fantasy
to be with two women at once.
You know, lesbians,
rock stars, astronauts.
Okay, maybe not astronauts.
But you know, sexy female
space travelers.
You're giving the finger
to the intercom box, aren't you?
- [screaming, struggling]
- [Roderick] I know. I know.
I lied about 'em
being on the list.
The list. Damn it!
Don't get me wrong,
a piece of paper that tells me
whether or not
I'm gonna get lucky,
you're not gonna say
anything bad about, but...
it's-- it's like...
watching a tape
of a football game,
and you know your team wins.
It's not unenjoyable,
but can it really compare
to watching the game live,
and they're going for it
on the fourth down?
- And you don't know if--
- Sports metaphors...
aren't my thing.
But it sounds like you're going for
"The thrill of the pursuit
is more exciting than the conquest."
I can't help it!
I mean, I see the name,
I want to find her and meet her,
so I can cross her out,
and I can get to the next name.
I'm not in control
of my own destiny.
That may be true.
But you're not
supposed to know that!
You're meddling with
the primal forces of nature.
I mean, my God.
Am I on the list, too?
- [laughing]
- I mean--
Ah. Whew.
[chuckling]
You got scared
there a little, didn't you?
- Oh, you were more scared.
- Yes.
Trixie?
What if I were meant
to be with these women,
no matter what?
What if you were meant
to bury the list,
and calm the heck down?
You know...
if we bury the list, guess what?
You were meant to bury the list.
Live your life.
Whatever happens, happens.
[grunting]
You know, it's a sheet
of paper, not a body.
- Sheet of paper, not a body!
- [groans]
Yeah. It's time.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Breathe.
Breathe, Roderick!
Yeah! Breathe!
Yes, I have deleted
all remnants of the list
on my hard drive.
But remember, oh weak one, we are
putting a tulip to mark this spot.
If you wuss out, we will dig it up.
- Wait. One more name?
- Oh, Rod!
- Please?
- [snorts]
Couple of letters
I'm gonna give ya.
Dr. Mir--
Please, one more letter.
What's that gonna make?
One letter-- no!
Don't grab it!
Mir-- Mir--
- One more letter!
- That's it!
We're ready!
[struggling, whooping]
I'm starting to take
a liking to Trixie.
I think she's
a very good influence.
It's not gonna happen, Beta.
You can't bury
something that precious.
[sighs] Death Nell took
her tenth victim last night.
- Hm?
- That double-digit rule.
When a serial killer
hits ten, we get called.
We-- Like we don't have
enough on our plate?
I thought she only did comas!
Not last night.
But on the side of the bright,
home base says the machine
has taken an interest.
No way he's really doing it!
-Ready?
- Quick. Before I change my mind.
Way to go, Roderick.
Way to go.
[chuckles]
[Zack]
Rod, you're missing this.
They crossed into our territory.
We could lose this.
I know. Isn't it exciting?
[Zack]
If we blow it again in their red zone,
it's gonna leave a bad
taste in my mouth.
That's what your boyfriend
said last night.
- Hey...
- Lester, what are you feeding your turtle?
Ugh. Anything that
will make him sick.
I'm sorry, Skippy.
But Daddy's gotta see
that veterinarian.
What?
This is nothing!
I saw this freak in a parking lot
try to shove a bottle opener
in a Great Dane's ass,
just to get an
emergency appointment.
Are you talking about
the vet over on Vera Donna?
- Oh...
- Lizzie threatened to put Mr. Whiskers to sleep
if I went near that place again.
- She is so pretty.
- Mmm.
But not in like a, "I'm a model,
don't fucking look at me" way.
- And she's just so smart and funny.
- Yes.
And you know what I love about her?
My favorite thing.
- The way she cracks her neck.
- Mmm-mm-mm.
- What about that silver anklet of hers?
- Ohh...
You know, if you can't
make it to the clinic,
you should try the gym
on Wednesday,
or Trader Joe's on Thursday.
- Well, I do like Trader Joe's.
- Yeah.
It's all on the
Dr. Miranda Storm website.
Yeah, it's a website.
I've been there.
It's put together by one of these
real stalker geek types.
Oh, thank God
you're not one of those.
Ladies, we've got
a football game going on here.
Enough talking about
the X chromosome.
Especially the almighty
Dr. Miranda--
Dr. Mir--
Is he smirking?
You're smirking.
Why is Rod smirking?
[Roderick]
Interception!
- [crowd roars]
- You see it?
[all yelling at once]
I told you!
I told you!
Yes! Oh, yes!
[laughing]
[sighing]
Phew. Perfecto.
I can still make Miranda's
4:20 Starbucks appearance.
She orders a...
[in unison]
Macchiato with extra foam.
I could use some caffeine myself.
I'll come with.
No, you're not getting anywhere
near her, Midas Dick.
Fine. I'll go to Deitrich's, then.
I got work to do, anyway.
Please, Rod.
Just this one time,
don't seduce this--
- [squish]
- [all yelling]
- Oh, diarrhea! Yes!
- [laughing]
[cracking]
[clears throat]
You always carry
a bottle opener?
This little guy?
He's been through a lot.
I quit my job today because
of this bottle opener.
Not-so-great day.
Long story.
[sets down opener]
Why were you staring at me?
Oh, don't worry, Doc.
I'm not one of your stalkers.
If I were, I'd be at Starbucks
about now, wouldn't I?
You've seen the website.
No. I've--
I've heard about it.
I've heard about you.
Really. Well, you missed out.
It's quite good.
It's got great graphics,
challenging quizzes.
It's obviously caused me
to rearrange my rituals.
[deep breath]
You're not gonna use
your spoon, are you?
[mouths word]
[chuckles]
Okay. The bottle opener,
I'm gonna let slide.
But the spoon?
Start talking.
A place like this,
it gives you a knife,
a fork, a spoon,
wrapped in a napkin.
Now the knife,
the fork, the napkin,
they all get used.
Most cafe items,
they don't call for a spoon.
But that little guy, he gets thrown
in the washing machine,
over and over,
time and time again.
Without a sense of worth.
Not only compassionate
to furry creatures,
but inanimate objects as well.
There's gonna be some fun
in the chat room tonight.
You're doing it again.
That funny, charming
staring thing.
It's not unpleasant.
[chuckles]
But you should know that I...recently got out
of a very bad relationship, so I'm--
Yeah, I just got out of
a lot of bad relationships.
I promise I won't
fall in love with you
as long as you promise you won't
fall in love with me.
Oh, I promise.
Favorite Vonnegut.
One, two, three.
[Both]
Cat's Cradle.
Favorite Dylan.
One, two, three.
[Both]
Nashville Skyline.
Funniest movie ever made.
One, two, three.
- Some Like It Hot.
- Caddyshack.
Oh. Guys in dresses.
That's really reinventing
the wheel there, Roderick.
A woman who likes
Caddyshack.
[Miranda]
Who wouldn't like Caddyshack?
[Roderick]
Favorite porno? One, two, three.
[laughing]
[Roderick narrating]
All those tingling thrill-of-the-pursuit
feelings came flooding back.
So then came wish three.
I said I wanted
a pumpkin as a head.
[laughing]
Sure, I had the whole
"Dr. Mir" thing,
from my peek at the list, to clue me
into where Miranda and I were heading.
But this would be
more than a romance.
More than a mere
checking-off of a name.
This would be love.
Why rush the sex?
- Okay.
- All day, people wheel
and take back
the carts in the front.
And this poor bastard
in the middle
- probably hasn't been pushed in months.
- Tragic.
It's tr-- you know what?
It is. Help.
You know, you say you've been looking
for an idea for a children's book.
How about all these
inanimate objects of yours?
The spoon that never gets used.
The missing sock that
reunites with his twin.
The multi-CD player that
tragically gets turned off
seconds before proudly finishing
a five-disc shuffle.
[chuckles]
That's so it.
Yes, it is.
Roderick...
I've been looking
for you all my life.
You're the best!
Come on. Get out.
[Roderick narrating]
Okay. The cheek thing had thrown me a bit.
But there's nothing
like a warm kiss
coming after a delicious
home-cooked meal.
Compliments to the chef.
- Hmm.
- [laughing]
- Yup. I was back in the kitchen.
- Yeah?
And the chef thinks
you're pretty great, too.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just-- just not--
- No, no, no, no. It's okay.
- I'm just feeling--
Just relax. It's okay--
- No, Roderick.
- It's all right.
[sighs]
I adore you.
I do.
I'm just...
screwed up about sex.
Ah, it's okay--
I mean, you're handsome.
Devilishly so,
if you must know.
[both laughing]
It's just... you so remind me
of the guy my mom went out with,
after the divorce, Rockin' Randy.
He ran the surf shop.
And he was a cross
between you and Bam-Bam
from The Flintstones.
Listen, okay, look.
I'm not saying nothing's
ever gonna happen between us.
I'm not saying that. I'm just--
I'm just saying
if it's gonna happen...
it's just gonna happen.
- [whispers] Yeah.
- Right?
Yeah.
Really, why worry about it?
You're the best.
I'm gonna clean up.
You can pick out another DVD.
Something funny.
[smooch]
[wind blowing]
[Narrating]
I guess you could say
that's when the madness set in.
Thanks.
So Miranda and I went to
the Fellini retrospective yesterday.
Oh, she said the coolest thing.
- If Marcelo were alive--
- Have you fucked her yet?
What is with that question?
Have you fucked her yet?
Have you fucked her yet?
Son...
have you fucked her yet?
[Man]
Yo, Rod, have you fucked her--
- [beeps]
- [Man #2] Hey, have you--
[answering machine
messages repeating]
Let me tell you something.
Miranda and I are building
a bond of trust and respect.
Excuse me for still believing
that love is something
more than a sloppy
fusion of genitalia.
Miranda, we need
to discuss something.
- I--
- Oh, shit.
- Shit, shit, shit.
- You okay?
Hide me.
No, just hide me.
Sure.
There's
a Frida Kahlo-looking dude.
No, no, right--
Oh, no, I got it.
I met him at this Halloween
Poe poetry reading thing.
I can't believe
I slept with him.
I was wasted.
Halloween, two weeks
ago Halloween?
[Miranda] I told you,
I'm totally screwed up about sex.
Screwed up about sex?
Screwed up about sex?
It's more like you're screwing.
That's funny.
Come on, let's go
somewhere else.
Bam-Bam.
[Narrating]
Back in the day,
if a woman didn't have
sex with you it was okay,
because it wasn't like she was having sex
with anyone else.
Where is that whore-bitch
Jane Austen when you need her?
I chose to remember
the good times.
The way Miranda
made you feel
like you were the only
one in the world.
That time she read
my slaughterhouse reform bill.
[neck cracks]
It's wonderful, just wonderful.
[Roderick narrating] But then there was
that next day at lunch.
How was that salad for you?
Oh...
[neck cracks]
Wonderful, just wonderful.
And in conclusion, yeah,
go ahead, crucify me,
but I refuse to live in a society
that has reduced the world
to the question,
"Have you fucked her yet?"
[Both]
That would be a no.
I don't even think
he's seen her naked.
[all laughing]
[belches]
- Oh...
- [neck cracks]
Wonderful, just wonderful.
What the fuck?
I'm not saying nothing's
ever gonna happen between us.
Doctor...
Mir-- hah!
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, Dr. Mirabella Stone!
No! No!
No!
[buzzer]
Don't mock me.
Miranda told me
she was coming out
of a bad relationship.
And no one has ever had sex
coming out of a bad relationship.
Oh, we're moving way too fast,
I'm not feeling well.
If someone wants
to have sex with you,
they'll have sex with you.
The rest is just dinner theater.
So that's it. The machine.
Oh, no, the machine is much--
Sure. The wall has a connection.
Thing's going to be
the death of me.
Oh, come on, cheer up,
droopy drawers.
I mean, look on the side
of the bright.
Even if you went down
to a tropical island, all right?
The remaining 34 chicks
on this list
would be renting jet skis
to zoom down there
and party with you
whether you liked it or not.
I don't like it.
I don't want other women.
I want Miranda!
I've been a good
sport with this thing.
There was a little weirdness
at the beginning,
but I went with the flow.
I sabotaged a wedding,
I lost deposits,
I toyed with a lot
of people's feelings,
including my own,
but I didn't care.
I care now.
I have found someone
that touches me
down to my marrow.
And if you think that
some contraption is gonna--
You know, you know--
sometimes love is stronger than--
No, it's not!
I was so proud of you when you...
were burying the list in the backyard.
Horoscopes, psychics,
Tarot cards,
coming attractions that
give away the whole movie.
Why must you people
know everything?
That's a good point, Alpha, sir.
Remember when you said
the machine was a mystery?
That could mean that there's
some kind of kink or flaw,
something that
we don't know about--
Stop thinking about
the machine, Mr. Blank.
It's progress.
There's nothing
you can do about it.
Science and technology
don't care whether we live or die.
- [high-pitched tone]
- [beep]
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The solution's been right
in front of us the whole time!
What, what is it?
Blow jobs.
Blow jobs!
Oh, man, what a loophole.
All right, sex is work.
Is she having a good time?
Am I meeting her needs?
You got to think
about her feelings,
but with a blow job,
you just lie back,
every now and then touch
the back of her head
if you think she's getting tentative.
I mean, seriously, if someone
gives me an intercourse buffet,
or just a blow job on a stick,
I'll take blow job
on a stick, dude.
No, you people--
you people are sick.
I've given my heart to Miranda.
I want to cradle her
in my arms,
I want to make the kind of love
where you feel
as though you're one
living, breathing...
You really think
she might go down on me?
Death Nell has just put to sleep
an entire fraternity in Fresno.
Eight members.
Death Nell?
What do you guys do
for a living again?
It's the double-digit rule.
When a serial killer hits ten victims,
we get called.
No, I'm still getting details.
Apparently...
Well, apparently it was
the same frat house
that was acquitted last year
for manufacturing
the date rape drug.
[all hooting]
[Alpha]
D.N. put her own drug in the keg.
Is that amusing to you, Roderick?
No, I'm just checking
my messages.
The almighty machine's rep's
about to take another hit.
[beeps]
[Miranda] They love the concepts,
they love the drawings,
they-- they're going
to publish the book!
Rod, I owe you so, so, much!
There's no way
we are not celebrating tonight.
Okay? So I'm going
to be at your place,
8:00 sharp, ready for action.
I so love you.
You're a very lucky man to have
found such a soulmate, Mr. Blank,
but unfortunately--
It's in her voice!
You don't even need
the bizarro list.
She doesn't think of you in--
[sighs]
Roderick...
I'm certain that some
very interesting things
will occur this evening.
Your penis going into her vagina
will not be one them.
[chuckles]
But have a lovely evening.
Gentlemen, I'd love
to stay and chat,
but I got a date with a lady.
I don't think he's even seen her naked.
[knocking at door]
Hey!
Author!
Author!
Thank you.
J.K. Rowling, eat shit.
I'm so sorry I'm late,
it's just--
It's been crazy.
But I told everyone that
we'd meet them at the bar.
- It's my treat, for once.
- Everyone?
I thought tonight
was between you and--
I made pesto.
You did.
That's so sweet,
but Rod, we gotta go out.
We're celebrating!
My brother and the two Jessicas,
they're already there,
but you know what,
it's no big deal.
- Hey, hey, just relax.
- Listen, if you-- what?
Let's just hang for a bit,
you know, a little pre-party.
Dude, I thought
we were past this.
No?
Miranda, I know you once said
you weren't attracted to me,
but that was before
we went on the camping trip.
That was before I loaded
the graphics program into your laptop.
- Before--
- Why is it that men think that women--
women are like these giant
thermometers at those telethons,
where every time you do
something nice for them,
they get a little redder,
and a little redder,
and a little redder,
and a little redder,
and when you hit the top,
we have to fuck you?
That is not funny!
Shit!
Okay, I'm sorry.
All right, just slip on down here,
just do a little clean-up.
Hey, what are the five
scariest words a woman can say?
- I wanna be--
- Just friends.
You know, it's like
some bad stand-up routine.
Just? Just.
Do you know how
important it was for me
to make one real friend
in this city?
I would die for you.
Who do you think
I'm dedicating my book to?
My insane parents?
"To Roderick Blank, my friend."
[sighs]
Nice celebration.
- [gasps]
- [crashing]
[crunch]
Oh, Miranda.
Man, that is one tough break.
Girlfriend finds out her little book's
getting published and then...
It's terrible.
Not my girlfriend.
For what it's worth, from our end,
we're satisfied the death
was just an accident.
[whispers]
Just--
Excuse me, officer,
I wanted to give
Mr. Blank the opportunity
- to say goodbye to his girlfriend.
- Not my--
Can I be alone with her?
Miranda.
Oh, precious Miranda.
You know, I never wanted this.
I-I only wanted--
They said that we could never,
never ever be together.
But hey,
we're gonna have the last laugh,
are we not, my love?
[Narrating]
Okay, now that I think about it,
maybe this is where
the madness set in.
Yes, I know,
my beacon of light.
This is sad,
this is desperate,
this is disgusting,
but aren't all revolutions?
We have to stand up to the list.
Stand up to the machine.
Stand up to fate.
Stand up, soldier.
Oh, come on, stand up.
Oh, let it out, Mr. Blank.
It's okay. Let it out.
You poor, sweet man.
You poor, sweet, handsome man.
Oh, shh...
It's okay.
[Narrating]
Sorry.
Believe me, I'd hoped it was
a dream sequence, too.
If it makes you feel any better,
my tale has a satisfying ending.
But this isn't it.
It's only number 67.
[Crowd]
Six, five, four,
three, two, one,
Happy New Year!
[champagne cork popping]
Nobody has said
"Happy New Year" to you.
Thank you. Roderick Blank.
Ester Fenchel.
But your friends call you Terry.
[laughs]
No, but that's strange
because that's
my husband's name, Terry.
Nice tie.
- [champagne cork popping]
- [cheering]
Just leave the bottle.
Gentlemen, I give you the Matador.
Oh! No!
Not the prototype!
[Narrating]
Eating and starving,
and eating and starving.
I was told to take some time off,
to get away from it all for a while.
But there was no escape.
I had noticed a lot
of French, German,
and Italian names on the list,
so I dutifully booked
passage to Europe.
Hearing of all
the magnifique women,
my friends concluded
that I had had
the greatest vacation
of all time.
I'm glad they enjoyed it.
[clears throat]
Good evening.
You have to fuck me,
so come over and fuck me.
No dinner.
Do you have a pen?
Let me give you directions.
[Woman]
Ew!
[beeps]
[phone twittering]
Hello.
Oh, star 69.
Yes, it was a crank.
I'm sorry.
Your mother picked up?
Fainted?
-Yes.
- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
[laughing]
Why are you laughing?
[Narrating]
In my own feeble way,
I had tried to defy the list.
But once again,
the list knew what it was doing,
what I was doing.
But guess what.
I was about to meet a woman
that was the answer
to all my problems.
- Hope?
- Amber Anne.
Roderick?
I've been trying for years
to get a rise out of my mother.
You did it in five seconds.
Name your poison.
[Narrating]
Hope Hartlight was the author
of a best-selling self-help book.
I found her to be
warm, compassionate,
and a little old.
So I wasn't attracted
to Hope Hartlight.
It's not like I was going to get out
of having sex with her.
So, to her surprise,
I asked her out again,
figuring we'd eventually
accidentally end up having sex,
and I could move on.
But a funny thing happened.
Hope listened.
Hope guided.
Hope was literature
after ten months of pop-up books,
chess after ten months
of checkers.
You're a chapter 17.
May she spring eternal--
As for my friends,
what do you think?
Hope was an Earth-mother goddess,
put down here to save
the sinner's soul.
If you let her go,
I'll bring her back.
You know, you strike me
as the kind of guy
who would make fun
of a one-month
anniversary celebration.
You've changed me.
You've healed me.
That's a really
beautiful thing to say.
Thank you.
You know, I've got
that book signing
next week in Vermont.
I'm thinking maybe
you should come with me.
They've got a terrific
bed and breakfast up there.
Oh, my God.
We could just sleep late,
on the day I don't
have to work, of course.
But you could just
hang out all day.
You can walk around naked
in the backyard.
There's nobody there,
it's off-season.
[Narrating]
Hope Hartlight didn't really vanish
into thin air like that.
It took a couple of weeks.
How could being the answer
to all my problems
not be enough?
If a friend of mine had
been going out with Hope,
I'd be so proud of him.
Guess that's the problem.
I'd be proud,
but I wouldn’t be jealous.
And a man would rather have
another man's jealousy
than another man's respect.
Man, hate to say
that one out loud.
Okay.
So, maybe Hope wasn't
the hottest piece of pie
you've ever been with,
but Roderick,
I was so proud of you.
Us married guys are taking a lot
of heat over this one, big guy.
It seems that you broke some
"messing with the feelings
of a woman over 35" covenant.
I thought we agreed we weren't
going to do an intervention.
No, we agreed we wouldn't use
the word "intervention."
- Of course it's an intervention.
- Okay.
Poor Rod, still under the illusion
that out there walking around
is the perfect girl, just for him.
[Announcer]
News break! This just in.
The woman known to
the world as Death Nell
has apparently left
her driver's license
at the site of her latest attack.
It is the break in the case
investigators have been hoping
and praying for all year.
And now, Channel Nine gives you
an exclusive first look
at this dramatic license.
If you're just joining us,
Death Nell seduced and sedated
misogynist shock jock D.J. Harry Hunt
during a commercial break
on his morning drive-time program.
I appreciate everyone's
concern here.
I, um...
Hello?
Hey, Trixie, turn that up.
Did they really catch
that satanic succubus?
No, and the word's
"freedom fighter."
- Can we go in closer on that license--
- Let me guess.
I'm gonna bet that
her real name is not Death Nell!
This is some intervention.
Gillian De Raisx.
That name again, folks,
Gillian De Raisx.
Death Nell is Gillian De Raisx.
[Narrating]
Gillian De Raisx. The X is silent.
It was a name that sounded familiar.
And when a name sounded
familiar, it usually meant...
Okay, this wasn't happening.
I know what you're thinking.
Surely I would have memorized
the last name on the list.
Not to put too fine
a point on it, but why?
No one wants to think about
the last name on the list,
because the last name
on the list means...
What did you say to him?
Where's he going?
[laughing]
Fred!
Oh, man, it's kind of funny.
It's not like she's the next one.
She may not be the next one,
but she sure as hell is the last one.
Hey, there's got to be
another woman on the planet
whose name is Gillian De aisx.
With her last name
spelled with a silent X?
- I don't think so.
- Calm down.
Gillian de Raisx may not be
the Gillian de Raisx.
As you can see,
the machine is closing in
on the one known as Death Nell.
The timelines have been
just a little off, but--
Oh, great.
More coordinates.
At this rate, I'd say
a couple of weeks from now
by the end of March,
the Oracle will tell us
where Gillian de Raisx is staying
at the precise moment
she's staying there.
Now, I'm assuming,
Mr. Blank,
that you can hold off from
having sex with how many?
- Twenty.
- Twenty.
Twenty different women
in the next two weeks.
Hey, I've had sex with three women
in my entire life--
none if you don't count paying for it.
I could live off 20 women.
Now, we can tell you
not to have sex,
but you have to go beyond that now.
You have to take your mind
to a whole other realm.
Read a book you've
always wanted to read.
I find model airplanes
can be an exacting
but ultimately rewarding--
Model airplanes are great,
but I got to go back
to the blow jobs.
Fred. Not constructive.
How do you feel about biking?
[chuckle]
I can't believe these are
the kind of conversations
I've become a part of.
He's still in torment.
Give him one.
One what?
Ah, yes, yes.
Our aforementioned Oracle,
while rather erratic
in capturing criminals,
has come up with the answers
to some of our culture's
most significant mysteries.
And I think we can
give you one of them.
Any of the biggies?
Okay, uh, who killed
Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman?
- You're kidding.
- Yeah, I'm kidding.
Let me see.
Let me see.
How about who really shot JFK?
Oh, pick another one.
It takes, like, 20 minutes to print out.
Okay, life on other planets.
How many planets
in the universe have--
- [Alpha] Eleven.
- Eleven? That's it?
That's it. How many
more do you want?
Wait a sec.
Does God exist?
Cut it out. You only get one.
Please.
You guys are mean.
You don't want to be in L.A.
on July 4th weekend.
Beta, enough.
[claps hands]
There are 20 human shields
between you and Miss de Raisx.
Be conservative.
Don't use up any of them
until we catch the villainess.
And remember...
a new realm of existence.
A new realm of existence.
No sex...
no death.
Good luck.
['60s rock]
On my own again
Oh, oh
On my own again
Oh, oh
On the move again
[sigh]
I need to be
On my own again
I want to be
On my own again
Yay!
Whoo!
[crash]
[crash]
[Lester, reading]
"I never believed the wild and lascivious
letters in your magazine
were true until now."
"My best friend was cycling upstate
"when his bike hit a pothole,
"sending him head over heels.
"Lucky for my buddy,
a bus on its way
"up to an 'Up With Jesus'
jamboree, stopped,
"and the students of
a nondenominational Idaho Bible college
"lifted his dazed, bruised body
"and put it in the middle
of the aisle.
"He thought they were
going to help him.
"Instead, they helped themselves.
"Among the girls of the bus,
"there had been much talk
of the albatross
"of not having lost one's virginity.
"My friend's appearance
on the road
"was taken as a sign.
"A pact was made.
"Everyone's virginity must go,
"and he would be the chosen vessel.
"All virgins.
"All 18-year-olds.
"Uniforms.
"Nineteen 18-year-old
virgins in uniforms.
Straws were drawn,
and first up was Mona Farlow."
Fuck. Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuckity,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck!
"It was a day my friend
would never forget."
Any changes
before we mail it in?
Please stop. I can't take it.
I'm curious.
Was there a lot of blood?
Sorry. Never mind. Wow!
- The ultimate male perversion.
- God!
You can die now.
Well, that seems
to be the problem.
Have I told you all
the good news?
I'm getting married.
The lucky gal's name
is Ethel Walters.
I hope you can all
make the wedding.
Ethel Walters?
Do we know her?
I don't know. Do you?
I really need to get in touch
with her right away.
Does the name ring a bell
with anyone?
Maybe you should
lie back down.
Hey, you know what?
Where was the driver
in all this?
Because I get that
the church group chaperone
was on another bus,
but you can't tell me
they let the second group of girls
just transport themselves.
The driver, yeah.
I don't seem to r--
That's funny. The driver...
There's a whole lot of action
going on back here.
Figure I'd get myself a piece.
Now, now, you relax.
You skinny little white girls
ain't tattling on nobody.
Fuck!
[knocking]
You can't have sex with me!
Roderick, it's me, Trixie.
I'm not going to rape you.
- You know that.
- Just leave me alone.
Get up, you big baby.
Got one word for you:
Qantas.
You are going to Australia.
Your flight leaves in the morning,
so start packing.
You don't get it. I can't escape.
She'll rent a jet ski,
and she'll track me down.
I was on the Net all night.
I found another Gillian de Raisx.
Oh, yeah, that spells
her last name with a--
Yes, with a silent X.
She's a marine biologist
based outside of Sydney.
Oh, this picture.
Which one's the walrus?
She's big-boned
with a healthy appetite
for life, asshole.
What is-- What is that
on her face?
It's a rash
from her exploration
of the Barrier Reef.
- Ooh.
- Oh, God!
Roderick,
you'd rather die than have sex
with an overweight woman
with a slight skin condition?
But it's--
it's not that slight.
Trixie, I'm sure she's a great--
I got you some books
to read on the plane.
I have underlined some
very good conversation starters.
So help me, if you
do not go Down Under
and seduce this Sheila--
Well, I do like dolphins.
Trixie.
No matter what happens,
thank you for being there.
You're a true pal.
It's good to be a lesbian, isn't it?
Send me a postcard, jerk.
With a koala on it.
Doot-doo doot-doo
doo-doo-doo-doo
Doot-doo doot-doo
doo-doo-doo-doo
Doot-doo doot-doo
doo-doo-doo-doo
Doo-doo-doo-doo
doot-doo-doo doo-doo-doo
Doot-doo doot-doo
doo-doo-doo-doo
[whistling]
Doo-doo-doo-doo
Doot-doo doot-doo
doo-doo-doo-doo
- Doo-doo-doo-doo
- [chop]
[phone twitters]
[twitter]
[twitter]
[beep]
Please don't pork me.
[Fred, laughing]
Hey, if you insist, hot rod.
Listen, the Almighty Oracle
has come through.
We have confirmation
that Death Nell
is going to be down here
at the Mayfair Hotel.
[sigh]
I've entered her room.
Mr. A's not here
at this precise moment,
but her things
most certainly are.
Friends, I've got chills.
Fred, Beta, you guys--
Wait. It's April Fool's Day,
isn't it?
[Alpha]
It's 10 after midnight,
- officially April 2.
- Ha.
Yes, Roderick.
We have quite
a welcoming party
planned for the nasty minx.
Oh.
Oh, this is--
this is amazing.
You don't know
what it's been like.
And I have found the loophole
of all loopholes.
It's not blow jobs,
and it's not hand jobs.
It's exes.
It's ex,
as in ex-girlfriends, all right?
I want-- just-- listen.
Check the names on the list.
Do any names appear twice?
Any doubles? All right, no.
- Then don't tell me...
- [crash]
that you've never hooked up
with some ex-girlfriend
for a little, uh, you know,
"remember when" sex.
No, you're right.
I had sex with Laura Baxter
every time I came
home for Christmas.
And she's only listed once.
And whenever I travel
through St. Louis,
I always stop in on Diana Scott.
We're going to get you
some reelection sex, all right?
I'm talking about
Grover Cleveland poontang.
Go back to Hope, number 80.
What you had was real.
She'll take you back.
Yes. There's Hope.
I've had so many wonderful,
fascinating women in my life.
I've never really been
worthy of any of them.
Uhh! Don't listen to Beta.
Do not listen to him.
He hates boners
and fun, all right?
What you have to do is you got
to find that school bus,
and you got to hook up
with those little Bible brats
numbers 81 through 99,
and maybe give 84 a pass
with the back zits.
- And you just get-- get--
- Sir?
Yes. It's right there.
Get one of them to change
her name to Gillian de Raisx.
And you perfect--
[Alpha]
Stop it.
[sighs] The theories
on the table are adorable.
But Roderick, be cool.
Gillian will be
at the hotel any minute,
and our organization--
well, we don't believe
in trials and arrests.
So I want you
to hang tight,
and do not, I repeat,
do not leave your house.
Okay.
Call you when she's dead.
All right. I'll be here.
Thank you. Good-bye.
[beep]
Ohh...
[sighs]
[sighs]
[Narrating] Did you really think
I was gonna get off easy?
Did you want me to?
I know I promised you
a satisfying ending,
but there will be
no triumphant return
to Fiona, Hope,
or anybody else.
There will be no chasing a cab,
no stopping a wedding,
no tearful reconciliations
on a train platform,
and no morning flights
to Australia.
To escape the sins of
my April 2nd to April 2nd saga
would feel so, so wrong.
Yes, my true destiny
was staying in a hotel downtown.
I was going out with
a lady called Death.
No God or Machine
could help me now.
And that felt so,
so right.
You live by the sword,
you die by the sword.
One sexual position left.
Call it the karma sutra.
The end is coming.
And coming is the end.
We've checked all
the sectors, Fred.
Okay, you know what?
My name is not Fred.
It's Commander Delta.
- It-- just go. In.
- Move.
Excuse me.
Miss Death? Nell?
Or do you prefer Gillian?
I'm not afraid
of you anymore.
[women laughing]
Death Nell's alive
and inside us.
[mocking laughter]
Look at him!
He's so scared!
Aww!
[hooting, mocking]
Oh, where you going?
Come back, ladies' man!
[hooting, mocking]
[panting]
Whew...
[Gillian] Well, you caused
quite a commotion out there.
Is there something
you wanted to tell me?
Tell you? No. I, uh--
Oh.
Hi.
Agents.
There's agents staked out
at your hotel.
In your room.
Thanks.
You know I'm not innocent, right?
Yeah.
Can I-- Can I join...
[menus slam]
Wow.
This, uh, place is amazing.
You know, I'm kind of
in the business.
I've never heard of it.
Yeah, I just discovered it
the other night.
There are not a lot of places
in this town that stay open late.
Yeah.
- Do-- You know, I--
- I-- Well--
[clears throat]
Sorry.
- You go.
- No, you go.
You know, this is--
this is strange for me.
I've never had
a volunteer before.
Some guys will do
anything to get laid.
[laughing]
Uh-oh.
This has a...
a grape aftertaste.
And you do realize that
I can't guarantee when or--
or even if you'll wake up.
Yeah. No, I understand.
[silverware clatters]
[sighs]
You mind if I ask you--
you tell me
if this is too personal,
but, uh...
how did you get here?
You know, in the larger sense?
It's not like I'm gonna
be telling anyone
for an indefinitely
long period of time.
[chuckles]
I don't know.
I don't--
I'm not gonna talk
about my childhood.
You know?
'Cause that's not what--
My childhood wasn't any better
or worse than anyone else--
Oh, well, okay.
It was a little worse.
But, uh-- but I escaped.
That's where I studied
poetry and chemistry.
Obviously better
at the latter than the former.
No, I wouldn't say that.
I really enjoy your writing.
[stammers softly]
You're right,
these spices do look amazing.
I mean, I've only read the stuff
that gets printed in the paper,
after each incident.
But what was it you spray-painted
after Number Seven?
"My ecstasy, your annihilation."
[Both]
"Our mess, nothing left to transgress."
- That's good.
- [sighs]
But where was I?
Oh! Yes, of course.
Before I could graduate,
I was swept off my feet.
My husband was this, uh--
[deep breath]
everything a girl's
supposed to want, right?
You know. I was his--
his princess.
He was my Prince Charming.
Can I try some of your kale?
- Trade you for that cherry tomato.
- All right.
You don't have to go on
if you don't want to.
No...
It actually feels good
to say the bad out loud.
But when I said
I was his princess,
I wasn't being metaphorical.
[Death Nell]
Every week,
a new princess costume
and a new wig.
"This way, I won't cheat,"
was the charming way he put it.
At first, it was...fun?
But then it wasn't.
It got rough, and I--
[police sirens]
[sirens retreat]
Did he hit you?
Aw...
You know, I've put
over 20 men into a coma.
When you're handing out
that kind of punishment--
[clears throat]
The short answer is yes.
Yeah, he hit me.
And pretty much
every other verb
you could come up with.
But nothing above the neck.
The Princess and the Pirate.
The Princess and the Viking.
The Princess and
the Mongol Warlord.
Occasionally, he'd mix it up
and we'd do
The Sound of Music,
as if the Nazis won.
You know,
it couldn't be a crime.
He was my husband.
I did not complain.
I did not ask questions.
Although, why anyone
would want to treat
Julie Andrews
as a human ashtray...
As far as questions go,
that's a pretty good one.
[laughs]
It did improve my poetry, though.
It gave me a lot of good
material to work with.
God, you're a good listener, man.
You really are.
Oh, God-- oh.
Then came Valentine's Day.
Oh, that was on a good one.
My hopeless situation,
my inability to change.
But all in iambic
pentameter, of course.
- And then...
- [groans]
F--
[thud, clatter, crack]
[thud]
I should have
been happy, right?
They tried everything.
They couldn't wake me up.
They thought
I was in a coma.
And that's when
I had the vision.
[birds chirping]
I had become my own
Prince Charming.
But there was much work
to be done in my kingdom.
Battles to be fought,
wars to be won.
You can pretty much
connect the dots from there.
Costumes, chemistry, poetry,
mutually degrading sexuality,
comas, "men suck."
I don't know how much longer
I can keep running around like this.
It's not like I can't afford it.
I mean, my husband
was Victor Rose IV.
Victor R-- wow.
Small world.
I kind of had a one-night stand
with his grandma.
Granny C?
My story's not
as compelling as yours,
but, uh, exactly a year ago,
I received a list of everyone
I'd ever had sex with
and ever would have sex with.
[stuttering]
I find that very compelling.
I-- I think we should
order dessert.
Raspberry tart?
Two forks?
You think I'm lying?
- You think I'm insane.
- No!
No. I--
And believe me,
I am an expert on both.
But Bambi and Thumper.
Seriously.
The Beyond-Ultimate
Lesbian Power Couple.
- [laughing]
- Yes. What a night.
Ohhh, fuck.
[whispers]
Fuck.
You know, uh--
I'd like to think that I--
I put something
interesting out there
into the atmosphere.
You know?
Just the whole idea of a...
a woman being able
to put a man down like a dog
for being bad, or...
for no reason at all.
[whispers]
I mean, well...
well, women have
had to deal with
the anytime, anywhere
dark impulses of men
forever, so...
God, I thought...
it was time to make the men
shake in their boots
for a while, you know?
I guess...
that's how I--
I rationalized it.
I-- I am gone--
No, that's okay.
We're all gone.
You know, it's--
So many games, names.
Who did you love?
And who did you really love?
Did you break their heart?
Or did they break yours? Or--
You know there's some
real bliss in there somewhere.
And all you're left with is...
[sighs heavily]
exhaustion.
I always liked that word.
Oh, and "depleted,"
"dissipated," and "spent."
Those are good ones.
But "exhaustion..."
sounds like what it is.
And what better cure than sleep?
Lots of sleep.
[paper tears]
I'll get this.
I insist.
Roderick.
Do you mind?
What, do you want me
to take two,
in case the first one
doesn't do the trick?
No!
[whispering stutter]
I was just thinking,
since we're together...
while I'm putting one
in your mouth, you could...
put one...
Oh.
You--
You sure about this?
Yeah.
You know, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm a little flattered.
You should be.
[laughs]
Go back to my room?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that room.
A different room.
Yeah.
[bells jingle]
[birds chirping]
[Roderick narrating]
So that's it.
The end of my story.
Well, one of my stories.
Mommy! Daddy!
I found a totato for the picnic!
- A totato!
- Totat-- [chuckles]
Boy, you really are
the farmer in the family.
- That's--
- Let's see that.
I think I know what
we're having for the picnic!
- Make some totato soup!
- [laughing]
Buddy, what do you think?
That sound good?
[Roderick narrating]
The story of how I settled down,
how I met my wife.
[chuckles, murmurs]
Of how I learned that sometimes,
what seem to be answers
are really questions in disguise.
The Machine's list
taught me the who,
the what, the where,
and the when
is never as important as the why.
And the why's not all
that important, either.
I want to unmake every bed
That I laid down on
Give back everything I've won
Good days
There'll be
Bad days
I want to unread every book
That my eyes laid on
[Roderick narrating]
If it really is all a game,
sometimes the best
thing you can do
is press the reset button.
I want to unsing every song
Unwrite every line
[Roderick narrating]
For the first time in my life, I am.
I dare not add an adjective--
mature, content, happy.
"I am" is good enough for now.
Life is a lot like death.
It happens to everyone,
whether they like it or not.
The meaning of it all?
Honestly?
Who gives a fuck?
I want to unsew every seam
Unwind every clock
Unbreathe every
breath I've made
I want to unset every sun
That my eyes fell on
Till I give back all I've won
Good days
There'll be
Bad days
Good days
There'll be
Bad days
Good days
There'll be
Bad days
Good days
There'll be
Bad days