Voila! Finally, the She's The One
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Edward Burns,
Cameron Diaz, and Jennifer Aniston movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of She's The One. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- Cigar?
- I'll wait till we get out there.
- You ready to go?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
Where's your sister?
In the bathroom primping.
He thinks it's a fashion show.
Come on, while we're still young.
You ever seen
such a head of hair?
Just get your ass moving, pretty boy.
Don't want to start the first
trip of the summer off with a cigar?
No wonder you have bad breath
and green teeth.
My teeth are not green, my man.
- They sure ain't white.
- Come on, ladies.
Don't start the summer bickering.
Let's go.
Francis, your brother's right.
Your breath's disgusting.
What did I tell you, my man?
I'm concerned, Mick.
Maybe it's time for you to get focused
on something. Maybe get a job.
Dad, I got a job.
That's no job,
it's an excuse to avoid reality.
Think about settling down,
sink your teeth into something.
Something to give your life meaning.
Not to work on Wall Street
with this one, but...
...how about the fire department
or a cop? Something with benefits.
Here's how I see it. Ever since
the "hairy ass" incident...
...you've been out of the game,
you've been running away from life...
...instead of running towards it.
I think it's a good time, now...
...to turn around and start running
towards life again. You know?
Can I toss this asshole overboard?
Don't be that way. I want to help.
Shut up, Francis.
Your sis is right.
You need some stability.
You know, Dad,
I don't need any stability because...
...I'm happy right where I am.
Big deal. You're happy.
You'll never make any real money.
So? You make a pile of dough
and you're miserable.
What's that matter?
I'm not miserable. I'm dissatisfied.
That's what makes me a success.
Mickey, I meant to tell you something
since you been back.
You did right. Last thing you needed
was to get married.
Especially to that one.
The one thing to remember is
this is your life. Not theirs.
You gotta do what makes you
happy first, okay?
Taxi!
Hey, what the hell?
JFK, please.
Hey! How you doing?
I'm good. I'm good.
What about you? Where you...?
- Where are you flying?
- New Orleans.
For a vacation?
No, my best friend from high school's
getting married. It's funny.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Her sink was clogged
so she called a plumber...
...and a really nice guy came over
to fix it.
And she ended up having sex with him
under the sink.
So she's gonna marry him.
Your best friend had sex
under the sink?
That's good to know.
What about you? Married?
Me? I was engaged once a couple
of years ago, but it didn't pan out.
What happened?
I came home early one night
to find her and a guy...
...passed out on my living room floor.
Both naked.
Oh, God. Did you know the guy?
No. All I saw was his hairy ass
staring at me.
I think he was a plumber too,
actually.
What did you do?
Nothing, actually.
I left the apartment...
...got in my car and spent the next
years driving around the country.
Do you have any regrets about it?
Yeah. Yeah, one.
I should've taken
my frigging TV when I left.
- How long is the drive to New Orleans?
- Like hours maybe.
How much would that cost?
You could probably get
a cheap rental car here.
What if you drove me?
How much would that be?
What? If I drove you in my cab?
If I kept the meter running,
it'd cost you $ - maybe.
You could come to my friend's wedding.
I can bring a date.
You want me to drive you
to New Orleans in my cab?
Yeah. Come on, please?
It'll be fun.
I don't want to fly. If I did
and I died, it's your fault.
You don't want that guilt.
My fault?
Tell me why you're so afraid to fly
and I might.
I don't like planes.
Hi, babe.
- You busy?
- A little busy.
Too busy to maybe, I don't know,
do it tonight?
Do what, babe?
Well, Francis, I can take off my
clothes and you do whatever you like.
Renee, you know I gotta finish this.
A little consideration, huh?
How about a little
consideration for me?
You know, we haven't had sex
for a while. You know?
All right, listen.
If you're still up when
I finish this, we'll do it.
Don't do me any favors,
all right, Romeo?
I can go into the bathroom
and use my vibrator.
Wouldn't that be a little difficult?
Seeing as you don't own a vibrator.
What's the big deal with me
owning one?
No big deal.
You just don't have one.
Occasionally I need sex.
I'm married to a man
who doesn't like to have sex anymore.
So from time to time, I like
to pleasure myself with a vibrator.
Deal with it.
Excuse me, "pleasure yourself"?
That's rich.
And no, I'm not gonna deal with it,
because you're my wife.
We have sex like normal people.
In a bed, lying down.
We don't masturbate like animals
in bathrooms with vibrators.
You don't, I do. Wake up your libido,
or I'm in that bathroom in minutes.
Hey, better yet, I could go get it...
...and we could play with it together.
Very funny. Listen.
Let's get this straight, funny girl.
We do not have a vibrator
in this home.
Do we?
Yo, Franny! Francis!
Better go see who that is.
It's me, Mickey!
What the hell are you doing?
Hey, man, you won't believe this.
I got married.
Let us up
so you can meet my wife.
What? Mickey!
Congratulations!
When did it happen?
Let us up, I'll tell you.
Hold on a sec, Mick.
He wants to come up.
I heard. What's wrong? Let them up.
I'd like to meet her.
It's late. You're not thinking.
We're glad you live a romantic life.
Both of us.
We got real jobs, responsibilities.
Catch you tomorrow. Congratulations!
Fuck you, you prick!
Come down and let us in.
I'm letting you in, after you
don't invite me to your wedding?
Don't listen. Of course you can
come up. I'll send him down.
I'm letting him in
in the middle of the night...
...after he didn't invite me?
- You're sick.
I'm sick? I'm not the one
with the vibrator, huh?
I find that thing, I mail it to your
mother describing your perversions.
Go right ahead. Who do you think
got me the damn thing?
She knows my pain.
We had a great time
on the drive down...
...and I guess it was after we crossed
into Kentucky that we fell in love.
Mickey came to
my friend's wedding and...
...when we were dancing he said,
"It should've been us who got married. "
I got the priest out of the bar,
pulled him onto the dance floor...
...and he married us in the middle
of the reception.
I want to get married like that.
Do you have any brothers I don't know?
Sorry, babe, just Princess Kitty here.
You're stuck with him.
That's it?
Is this true, Mick?
What can I say, man?
I'm about the love.
I had no idea you were
such an impetuous romantic.
That's a pretty impulsive move
you pulled.
When did you actually meet?
Wednesday.
Today's Saturday, okay, so...
...you were married
without a best man, when?
Thursday.
So you had a full hours to get
to know each other.
I'm relieved, aren't you?
I thought they'd rushed into this.
Watch yourself, Francis, okay?
Don't listen to him. He's as
impulsive and romantic as a nun.
I'm wondering
why you actually didn't become one.
So am I.
You don't know your brother.
He's actually very romantic.
I don't think we need
to go there right now.
No, let's go there.
By all means.
Mr. Romantic, Mr. Summer Breeze,
all about the love.
But what would I know? I'm just
the brother who wasn't the best man.
You'll have to get over this.
Nothing to get over, hon.
I'm thrilled.
Congratulations, romance is wonderful,
we love it.
Brightens the day. Just remember...
...it don't pay the rent. Okay?
Is he okay?
Yeah, he'll live.
It's right here.
This is the honeymoon suite, huh?
What's going on? Is she an illegal?
Pregnant?
Maybe an illegal.
She could be from the islands.
I was thinking the same thing.
I'm concerned for him, Francis.
- You think it'll last?
- No shot. You kidding me?
Poor kid.
Never used up here.
Always used in here.
Just like your mother.
I can't believe he did it without me.
I should've been his best man.
He was my best man.
It's bad luck to have a wedding
without one.
Jesus, you're not crying, are you,
Francis?
I'm not interested in what they say.
I want you to do what you're told.
When you have, call me...
No. Have Ryan call me.
I have Miss Davis on the phone.
Put her through.
Heather?
The office said you called in sick.
I called the apartment, nobody.
- You all right?
- I'm fine.- How's work?
- Fine.- Where are you?
- I'm at Papa 's.
Who the hell is Papa?
Come on, you know my friend Papa.
You mean Carl...
...the old guy.
We agreed to call him...
..."Carl, the diaper-wearing
geriatric. " Why are you there?
I slept over here last night,
with him.
You mean you slept with him, as in...
...had actual sexual intercourse
with this animal?
- Amongst other things.
- That's not funny.
He's older than your father!
Francis, my father's dead.
My point exactly, thanks.
This is very upsetting.It's extremely important...
...that I see you now so I can
show you the error of your ways.
He'll be gone all day long.
You could come to his place
if you want.
I'm afraid I still have my pride,
darling.
I won't meet you
at this old fucker's place.
I guess you won't
see me today then, will you?
Okay.
What's the address?
Well, I hope that
cleared things up for you.
What?
Excuse me.
Don't tell me sex with Grandpa
was better than with me.
You're not in competition with him,
Francis.
Besides, one wasn't better
than the other, just different.
They better damn well be different.
He can't control his bladder
and wears diapers...
...and I'm a young stallion
in my prime.
- How different?
- Just different.
- Forget I said anything.
- No, no. Elaborate.
It might be enlightening
to understand how...
...sex might be different
with a fossil.
Okay, but don't get mad, all right?
I faked my orgasm with you.
So?
I didn't have to with Papa.
I got you.
Don't be mad.
You wanted to know.
No, I really didn't.
Don't pull this jealous bullshit
with me.
I can sleep with whomever I want.
I'm not the one that's married.
You are.
You really had an orgasm?
Pardon my asking, Tom,
but how old are you?
Sixty-eight.
I was wondering, more out of
curiosity than anything...
...if a guy your age...
...can still...
...have sex?
Only when the wife gives me the okay.
So you can still perform, then,
if she says so?
Sure! In fact, she says I'm better
now than when I was in my s.
Great.
That's terrific, Tom.
This apartment of ours,
how long have you lived there?
Almost two years. Isn't it great?
It is. It's a little small, though.
- But it's cozy.
- Cozy.
It's funny, when I took a shower...
...there was no hot water.
I wasn't too cozy.
Oh, we never have
hot water on weekends.
Really?
There's a big hole
in the bathroom ceiling.
This morning I had a nice view
up some guy's boxer shorts.
- It was nice.
- That's Jim. He's a good guy.
Jim's a good guy? Good.
If I'm gonna see his pecker every
morning he may as well be.
I better go. This is where I work.
Yeah, right here?
It looks like it might get
a little chilly in there...
...since you're practically naked.
I could run home and get you
a nice big down jacket...
...or a sweat suit or something.
It might help.
I don't think so. I'll see you later.
- All right. Take it easy.
- Bye.
Hey, babe, what's up?
- Was that him?
- Cute, huh?
I thought he kind of looked
like a jerk.
Thanks, Con, that's sweet.
No, I'm sorry.
I mean, he's probably...
...he's probably
a really, really nice guy.
I don't know.
- Did you have to marry him?
- Absolutely.
So you'll go to Paris with him
instead of me.
Well, we really haven't
discussed that yet, but...
It's good to be up-front and honest
at the start of the relationship.
I've known him a week. I haven't told
him my life story, all right?
I understand.
It'll be interesting to see...
...how a cabby from Brooklyn
feels about moving to Paris.
He'll probably be fine with it.
No big deal.
He'll just move with you.
It'll never last. Nightmare
when they get to know each other.
Maybe they were made for each other.
Those things can happen.
Carol and I met here
at the Beach Club in .
- Right.
- A Friday morning.
By Saturday, I had her in the dunes.
Jesus, Ron! They don't want to hear
all the details.
- Come on.
- We've been together ever since.
All right! Enough about the dunes.
Franny, how's Wall Street?
- Things are good.
- Things are good?
Making half a mil a year at
things are better than good.
Hate to spoil the illusion,
but I don't make that much.
Do me a favor.
Don't bullshit a bullshitter, okay?
Your favorite in-law hasn't
had a nice inside tip in a while.
When you gonna set me up
with one of your rich friends?
Excuse me, guys, my husband
has some ethics.
He's not some sort of
cheating sleazebag. Right, babe?
- Don't you share the wealth anymore?
- It's not all he won't share.
- Mom, please?
- Getting greedy in your old age, Fran?
It's nice to see you guys on weekends.
We should do it more often.
Honey!
Don't get sarcastic on us, young lady.
We're your parents.
You're in no position to approve
or disapprove of us.
- Understand?
- He's right.
Really? My analyst will have a field
day with that bit of psychosis.
If you two lunatics will excuse me,
I'm going to play tennis.
Her analyst?
Don't ask.
MacroCom.
I'll call you Monday.
Hey, babe. Gotta go to work now.
Okay. You love me?
Yeah, yeah, of course I do.
Good. Because I love you.
- Bye.
- All right, take care.
Thanks a lot.
th and Madison, please.
th and Madison,
that's a pretty swanky address.
Excuse me?
My God. Mickey?
What are you doing?
I'm in shock, is what I'm doing.
What are you doing?
I'm going home.
What about you? How you been?
I been good.
Good.
- Everything's all right?
- Everything's fine.
What about you?
Look like you're finally
making some decent money.
I'm still on Wall Street.
Making less money than I'd like.
Well, you were never easy to please,
right?
So, you know, you married yet?
No, he hasn't asked just yet.
Really?
Not that hairy ape who was
sprawled out on my carpet, I hope.
No, not him.
I don't blame you. From what
I saw, he wasn't too pretty.
A little on the furry side.
Do I know the prospective husband?
No, I don't think so.
He and his friends have real jobs.
From anyone else,
I'd take that as an insult...
...but you forget that I know
how you put yourself through college.
Somebody had to pay for my education,
sweetheart.
Had to bring that up, right?
Eye for an eye.
I've made up my mind.
I can't go through with this.
If you take the TV, it's only
fair that you give me back the watch.
It is the watch I gave you, right?
Yeah, it is, but like you said,
the watch was a gift...
...and the TV wasn't.
If I recall correctly...
...I did pay for part of the TV.
It's not like you could afford it
on your own:
You want the watch?
You can have the watch.
Doesn't mean much to me anyhow.
It's not the watch I want, Mickey.
Why don't we give that
a break already, okay?
A break? You're telling me that
you came here for the television?
Yeah, I did.
Why do you think I came up here?
You're so full of shit.
How do you figure that?
You can honestly say that you don't
ever think of me anymore?
Sure, of course I think about you.
I think, what could've possibly
possessed you...
...to take that dirtbag
home to my apartment?
Come on, Mickey.
We both knew
the relationship was over.
I wanted a career and you wanted...
Who knows?
Did you ever figure it out?
As a matter of fact, I did.
That's right. Your brother told me.
You got married.
What do you mean, my brother?
Since when do you speak to Francis?
He and his friends have real jobs,
so occasionally I run into him.
Yeah, it's a shame he's married. You
two probably would have hit it off.
Maybe.
I'm sorry you found out the way you
did. I'd like to have been friends.
Friends, really, yeah?
I don't think that would've worked.
I keep the number of friends who
lie and cheat to me to a minimum.
Put your sanctimonious
bullshit to rest.
I'm sorry.
I guess my behaving like a decent
human being rubs you the wrong way.
Look where it's gotten you.
You're the only English-speaking
cabdriver in New York.
That should tell you something.
You know what, Heather?
I imagine it beats sucking dick
for a living.
Depends on whose dick it is.
- Hey, Jim.
- Hi, Mick.
- How you hanging?
- Hanging fine, thanks, Mick.
Hey, babe.
It's hot in here.
What happened?
I know, we lost our electricity again.
Really, again? I really love
this place. It's great.
Grab a beer if you want to cool off.
I don't mean to point out
the obvious...
...but usually the fridge doesn't work
if there's no electricity.
- How is it?
- It's good.
Good. It has a nice
warm piss quality.
You're in a good mood, huh?
So, what's with the TV?
You like it?
I figured we needed a TV.
Yeah, it's fine,
but where'd you get it?
You know, it's funny you should ask.
I picked up...
...Heather in my cab today.
I told you she had the TV...
...so I told her I wanted my TV back.
Oh, really? Then what happened?
I went to her apartment,
got the TV and I carried it out.
You were in your
ex-fiancée's apartment?
How was that? Was it fun?
What are you doing?
I went up there for the TV, that's it.
- What, are you mad at me?
- No.
Come on, Hope, all right?
I mean, enough.
This is one thing
you don't have to worry about.
Yeah, I know.
I'm allowed to get jealous sometimes,
aren't I?
No, I'm a good guy.
Yeah, I've heard
that song and dance before.
Does she have a nicer apartment
than us?
Well, you know...
...she's got electricity,
so that's kind of nice.
I'm jealous of them.
Don't be. He's a cabdriver,
she's a waitress...
...they have a th-floor walkup
with no electricity.
But see how they're always
all over one another?
I bet they have sex all the time.
Does he talk about it?
Granted, he's my brother, but I don't
ask how often he's having sex.
What kind of numbers are we talking?
Five, six, seven times a day?
I'm not telling you anything, okay?
Bet it's a lot.
Remember how much we did it
when we got married?
Yeah, sure. But honey, everyone's
like that when they first meet.
Then you get into a groove, slow down.
You couldn't keep up that intensity
a long time. You'd hurt yourself.
That's why your back's fucked up.
Been doing it
around the clock? Right?
What kind of degenerate are you?
You're talking about my wife.
We have a problem with our sex life.
Unlike those two animals,
we have real responsibilities.
We don't have all day
to rub up against each other.
I can't remember the last time
I saw your penis.
Excuse me! What kind of language
is that? This is a public street.
We should get
some sex-improvement tapes.
Or I could get some stuff
from Victoria's Secret.
Stop talking about this,
because you're depressing me.
I told you it's...
...it's a down cycle, that's all.
What? You're not familiar
with the "down cycle"?
No. What, exactly, is a "down cycle"?
You know, in a relationship
you got ups, downs...
...sometimes you do it a lot,
like you do...
...other times, not at all.
Ups and downs and...
The down cycle.
I feel for you, man.
You're a sick individual
and you need help.
We should discuss our
apartment situation.
- You don't like our apartment?
- It's not that at all.
I like that we don't have
electricity or hot water.
I love the pink walls.
I just think...
...maybe it's too small
for two people.
We'll only be there another month
and then we might move to Paris.
What do you mean, "we might move to
Paris"? Why would we move to Paris?
- I might go to school there this fall.
- Paris, France?
- Yeah.
- Where they hate Americans?
That's not true.
They don't like stupid Americans.
Unfortunately, I fall
into that category.
When do we find out? It's an
important development in our life.
I should find out this week.
Really? Great. Terrific.
Thanks for letting me in on this.
I appreciate it.
Maybe your brother's right.
It's time for you to run towards life.
Is this what your wife had in mind?
Don't joke about that.
She's still my wife.
- Suddenly he's got a conscience.
- It's time we discussed our future.
Do you think she'd like this?
I'm serious about this.
- Where's this relationship going?
- Obviously, it's not going anywhere.
You don't get it. This relationship
has to reach the next level.
We, as a couple,
have to decide that level.
Why the sudden urgency?
Well, for one thing,
I don't like the fact...
...that you have sex with a geriatric.
Well, how do you think I feel
about your wife?
- I haven't had sex with her in months.
- I don't know if that's a good idea.
Clearly, you need the practice.
Francis, if you're afraid
to ask for a divorce...
...just have sex with her
in the meantime.
Dad, I'm in love with another woman.
It'd be unfair to have sex with Renee.
Let me get this straight.
You won't cheat on your girlfriend
with your wife?
- Yeah, I guess so.
- Jesus Christ.
You sure I'm your father? I have to
double check with your mother.
Come on, Dad. I'm serious.
- How will Mom take it?
- She's gonna be devastated.
She prays at church every day
for your brother.
She says I spend too much time on
the boat. I won't even get into that.
Now you're gonna get divorced.
Christ!
She'll be with Father John
hours a day. Thanks a lot.
I'll have to make my own
breakfast again.
I'm sorry if my divorce interferes
with your breakfast plans, Dad.
Hey, don't get all sensitive
on me now, Barbara.
All your life you wanted to screw
every skirt who walked by.
Making all this money,
you find you can get half of them.
Come on, Dad.
What have you told me
my whole life?
I gotta do what makes me
happy first, right?
Besides, it's normal
male behavior, right?
We can't control millions of years
of evolution.
You know what it's like, really?
It's like you've been driving
a ' Buick your whole life...
...then suddenly you're behind
the wheel of a brand-new Porsche.
How do you go back to the Buick?
Yeah.
I guess you can't.
You know what, Dad?
I'm really doing this for Renee.
I'm sure she'll be really thrilled.
Thank you.
Happy anniversary!
You enjoyed that, didn't you?
They were fun, weren't they?
They were a lot of fun.
They were also a $ fare.
It was their anniversary.
But they can afford bucks, whereas
we, on the other hand, cannot.
- I'll pay the $ Mr. Cheapo.
- Oh, really?
You have it on you, by any chance?
No, not right now.
I'll give it to you later.
Great. Listen, do me a favor.
Not to sound like a jerk...
...but if you want to work with me,
remind me to say no.
And I thought you were a romantic.
I am a romantic. As long as it
doesn't interfere with paying rent.
I'd rather live in the back seat than
let rent interfere with our romance.
What do you have to say to that?
- When you're right, you're right.
- Jerk.
Speaking of back seats, I know a place
where we can park and maybe...
...test your back-seat theory.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
Oh, my God!
She's been with her sister.
I couldn't do it.
Hold on, I think this is her.
Shit. Listen, I'll call you later.
Hi, honey. Who was that?
- Bob what's-his-face from work.
- You've talked to him a lot lately.
Your Scott from college
talked to my friend Nicole.
You know her sister, Patti?
She went to B.U. with
Scott's brother, David.
He told her that his divorce
was just finalized.
Who got divorced?
Scott Sherman.
He caught his wife
boning her dentist in the shower.
"Boning"? That's charming.
Oh, this is "Fatso. "
Four- eyed, greasy-haired Scott.
Computer geek tapping on the keyboard?
He was not that fat.
He was a -pound sack of shit, hon.
Maybe to you that's not fat,
but hell, you loved the animal.
That's really nice. He was not
pounds. Slightly overweight, right?
Renee, his tits were bigger
than mine.
All right, so he wasn't so skinny...
...but he was a very smart,
really sweet guy...
...which is more than I can say
for the two of you.
You better be sweet to weigh .
What is your problem with Scott?
Just a shy, harmless guy.
Do you have to compete with everybody?
If he's such a fucking sweetheart...
...and I'm a creep, why didn't
you marry the pig?
If I'd known you'd be such an asshole,
maybe I would have.
Guess who's got his phone number?
You? You have Scott's number?
You won't call him.
Of course I am. You're the only one
who can marry rich?
I need someone to pay
my Bergdorf bills too.
Where are you from?
No! You're my sister!
There's an honor code
between siblings.
You don't date your sister's
ex-boyfriend.
Honey, let her go out with him.
What the fuck is the big deal anyway?
Unless you still have feelings
for the yard ape.
No. It has nothing to do with that.
This has to do with respect,
that's all. Respect.
A word the two of you
are not very familiar with.
Connie says we won't last a month.
- Why would she say that?
- She thinks you're a jerk.
I don't even know her.
- You haven't said yes to Paris yet.
- You haven't been accepted yet.
I also told her about your brother,
your dad and the weird fishing trips.
Don't bash the fishing trips. It's
a tradition. Those trips are sacred.
Isn't it weird that your mom's
never on the boat?
My dad has a rule:
No women on the boat.
You don't think that's odd?
Yeah, but that's my dad.
He's from the old school.
Okay. So, what's Fran's excuse?
- You know, Franny's got some issues.
- Yeah, I'd say so.
Why are you getting me gifts?
- You don't have to.
- It was nothing.
- Do you like it?
- Yeah, of course. I love it.
Hey, what happened to the TV?
Your brother didn't tell you?
My brother? Tell me what?
It was his TV.
He came up here and got it.
My bro...? Your ex-fiancé
was up in this apartment?
- When was this?
- I don't know. A few weeks ago.
- He picked me up in his cab.
- You didn't want to tell me?
Jesus! Since when do I
have to tell you anything?
Wait. So my brother came
into your bedroom...
...and took a TV. That's it?
I tried to get him in bed,
but he wasn't interested.
That's very funny.
You know he's married now.
Picked up some psycho waitress
and married her in his cab...
...or some shit like that.
- I know. You told me.
Surprising move coming from Mickey,
don't you think?
Wish he'd had that impulsiveness
when we were together.
What does that mean?
Nothing.
Fran! What are you doing here?
I can't come by
and see my big brother?
Sure. Come in.
Jesus Christ!
What a fucking dump.
Hey, I like the pink walls, though.
Finally comfortable with
that part of yourself?
You can't just come in and keep
your mouth shut, right, moneybags?
I'm sorry.
I forgot Mr. Summer Breeze is so...
...sensitivo. Hey, I like the TV.
How'd you swing that one?
I thought you two were broke.
Yeah, we still are, but...
You won't believe this.
I picked up Heather...
...in my cab. She said
she still had my old TV.
So I went up to her place and took it.
It was kind of strange
seeing her again.
So you went back and took your TV?
You see it there, don't you?
You didn't feel like a loser?
Why would I feel like a loser?
Three years go by and you scurry
back for a TV. It's like...
...admitting you're a failure
and can't afford a new TV.
How do we have
the same blood in our veins?
You think I care what Heather
thinks of me? Come on, Franny.
So, did you fuck her?
Did I what?
Up in the apartment, did you
put it to her? You bang her?
What do you think,
I'm some sort of degenerate?
You think I'm an immoral skell
who cheats on his wife? Listen...
...I don't cheat on my wife.
Oh, so, you didn't fuck her?
It just dawned on me.
You haven't fully evolved yet.
Mick, come on, you almost
married this woman...
...then you go up to be alone
in her apartment to "get a TV. "
I don't buy it.
Do you want to hear that I had sex
with her? Would that make you happy?
All right, yeah. I did her.
On the kitchen table, the couch,
and on the TV. It was beautiful.
- You'd be proud.
- Play all the games you want...
...but I'm a man.
I know what I know.
Oh, you know what you know.
Franny, I don't need this shit
from you.
I don't need you to come over
and bust my hump.
Do me a favor and get
the hell out of here, okay?
Sure, I'll do you that favor.
Don't hurry back, all right?
Fuck!
I'm sorry, Mick.
I feel so guilty about
this fucking divorce.
I shouldn't feel guilty, right?
No, no, you shouldn't.
You should feel guilty about fucking
that other woman the last six months.
You should feel guilty about that.
Tom, if you were single, would you
date your brother's ex-girlfriend?
I don't have a brother,
Mr. Fitzpatrick.
But if you did, is that off-limits?
I'd have to say that only
the lowest of the low...
...a real scumbag would date
his brother's ex.
There's a code between siblings.
Thanks, Tom.
Thanks.
She's beautiful, isn't she?
Yeah. Yeah, she really is.
She got her acceptance letter today.
Yeah, I know she got accepted.
You better go with her to Paris.
You broke my heart...
...when you swept her off her feet.
I won't let any man hurt her again.
How did I manage to break your heart?
I met you minutes ago.
My heart belongs to Hope.
I love her.
- You love her?
- Yeah.
Do you have some sort of
special relationship...
...I should be aware of,
seeing as I'm married to her?
- She didn't tell you about that?
- No. She forgot to mention it.
Oh, no, nothing like that.
Nothing sexual or anything.
Good. That's a good thing.
But, who knows? I mean, maybe one
day, if I'm lucky...
...you'll let me share her with you.
Yeah. Your friend, Connie, here,
she claims you guys...
...have some special relationship
or something.
- Did she ask if you'd share me?
- Yeah, she asked about that.
What do you think of that?
Well, to be perfectly honest,
the idea of two women at once...
...seems like a pleasant way
to spend an evening.
But not if one of the girls
is my wife.
And I don't want to do it
with anyone else, so, yeah. No.
You better not do it
with anyone else.
But you and her,
you guys actually never...
...consummated, you know,
this love that she speaks of?
No.
It does paint a pretty mental picture.
I hear it's very popular in Paris.
Ménage à trois, it's French?
Yeah. Don't get too smart
there, funny man.
So, you gonna come?
To Paris?
I don't know. You're serious about
going through with this?
Yep.
Yeah, well, then I guess
I gotta go, right?
I guess so.
So you're really gonna move to Paris?
- Yeah, I guess it looks that way.
- Wow!
Bet you didn't count on that
when you met her.
I don't know, Fran. I'm starting to
feel confused about this thing.
Are you kidding me?
You know, it's like I don't even
know this girl.
She's got weird friends,
she loves the dump we live in...
...and suddenly she brings up
this moving-to-Paris thing.
You remember our discussion about
when I went to Heather's?
Yeah.
That's got me freaked out too.
Part of me wanted to hate her...
...and part of me wanted to...
There was a weird connection.
We almost got married.
Mick, come clean. You fucked her.
Don't start, okay?
You're talking about a weird
connection here.
- You still in love with her?
- It's nothing like that.
But what? Did she say
she's in love with you?
No, it was just weird seeing
her again, that's all.
But it was nothing. Forget I said it.
Yeah, I can meet you there.
th and th. All right.
Nice spot you picked here.
Yeah, you know, I figured it was safe.
Don't flatter yourself.
I'm here to talk.
Why don't we talk?
I was thinking of how I
treated you a few weeks ago...
...and I just wanted to apologize
for that, and for that night.
Yeah, well, it was a long
time ago, right?
It happens.
So, you think we can be friends?
Yeah, sure, we can be friends.
And I'm sorry too, about
bringing up the whole...
...college-tuition-payment-plan thing,
you know?
It's sort of fun seeing one another
again, don't you think?
I mean, I don't know
if I'd call it fun...
...but it's certainly interesting.
I've been thinking a lot about you
since you came up that day.
I don't know. I was thinking maybe
things could have been different.
- Maybe we made a mistake.
- We?
I just came home to find you and
gorilla boy in your birthday suits.
Okay, so I made the mistake.
Did you have to run off like that?
- Never to be heard from again?
- Yeah.
What'd you expect me to do,
join the party?
No.
I don't know.
Maybe give it another chance?
And break up this beautiful
new friendship?
I'm not about to do that.
Besides, you know, I'm...
I'm married now.
You know? So...
I'm gonna get out of here.
Bye.
Your mom said he gives you
that "down cycle" nonsense.
In years of marriage, we've not hit
a down day, let alone a down cycle.
- Mom, make him go away.
- Really, that is disgusting.
- What's disgusting? That's true love.
- Please, spare us.
Fine. I know when I'm not wanted.
Good. And could we not talk about
my sex life anymore?
Excuse me, but playing
with a vibrator...
...does not qualify as a sex life.
- Why does she know that?
- She's your sister.
Honey, maybe you should take him
to see a doctor.
No, it could be physical.
- Maybe he has a problem with his...
- What kind of problem?
- You know, getting an erection.
- Mom, I'm warning you.
- It's possible.
- Maybe he's gay.
Francis is not gay.
- Molly's right.
- He could be.
He's always been a bit of a dandy.
It's my husband we're
talking about, okay?
Listen, honey. Get that Victoria's
Secret stuff. It worked for us.
If he doesn't want you then,
maybe he is gay.
Dad, look, okay?
My husband is not a homosexual.
But he's definitely under suspicion.
What do you mean, "under suspicion"?
No, this is just a stage.
I looked pretty good in that thing,
and he barely looked at me.
What did I tell you?
He's definitely queer.
You know, I think you might be right.
Call his father and tell him.
He'll get it out of him.
- So, are you?
- Dad, I'm in love with another woman.
How could you say that to me?
I'm just telling you I'm okay with it.
If you are or you aren't.
It's okay.
I'll always love you.
Thanks, Dad, but I'm not gay.
- What do you think?
- Hell, I don't know.
Renee's story sure sounds like he
could be. He says he isn't.
You kids are nuts.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Don't worry. If anybody would know,
I would. He's not gay.
He wears cologne, for chrissake.
Get out of here.
Come on, you're prissy. You like
cooking, clothing and furniture...
...and you wear that frigging cologne.
That's brilliant. That makes me gay?
People might read you
as less than straight.
I'm your brother and I'll
always love you, sweet boy.
Hold on a second, okay? Just stop.
Give me a minute here...
...and look at this maleness.
How could you possibly think I'm gay?
Because you don't look at me anymore,
let alone touch me.
How many times do I have to...?
Mention that "down cycle" again and
I'll cut that maleness right off.
It's not natural to not want sex with
me at least once in three months.
Why is it my fault?
Maybe it's your fault.
Excuse me?
How would this be my fault?
I went and bought all that lingerie
crap and you didn't even look at me!
Was I not working that night?
Do you remember at all?
Baby, maybe you've got a problem.
Do you think you're impotent?
What? No.
Maybe you caught some disease
or something?
Oh, yeah, that's it, babe. Syphilis.
Okay, Francis, look.
If you're homosexual, you can tell me.
I'll understand. I won't be mad.
But you gotta talk to me.
Will you cut it out with
the homosexual business?
I skeeve out when you say it.
You want to know what's wrong?
I'll just say it.
Please, I would.
I'm in love with someone else.
I want a divorce.
What?
Since when?
Just a few months.
- Who is he?
- Enough with that, okay?
It's a she. She's a woman.
She's a beautiful, intelligent,
sophisticated woman.
What does that make me?
I didn't mean it like that.
It wasn't a comparison. Don't cry.
I'm not crying.
I'm leaving.
He's not gay. He's seeing another
woman and he wants a divorce.
I need a cigarette.
Well, I guess you can
send her your vibrator.
She's gonna need it.
Your father scares me.
He doesn't like me.
He likes you, okay? He told me
how sweet he thinks you are.
There's something I don't like.
She's kind of stuck-up.
Not at all. She's shy with
new people, that's all.
He got upset when I said I don't
talk to my parents anymore.
You're paranoid. He didn't speak
to his father for years.
- Who'd cut their parents off?
- She said they were really mean.
My old man was the meanest son of
a bitch, but I was there till he died.
He doesn't think I tricked you?
He thinks we're nuts, but said
as long as we're in love, who cares?
You don't care what anybody thinks.
You should hear them.
Who?
Your poor mother.
She thinks this girl's pregnant.
I knew her hours before we married.
I didn't have time for that.
We think she's an illegal.
Wants a green card.
- Really? She's from Vermont.
- Vermont, my ass.
- Looks like she's from an island.
- Rhode Island.
Don't get smart with me, wiseass.
Leave it to me.
I'll get to the bottom of it.
- Hey, Mr. Deluca.
- Hey, Mickey. How are you, huh?
Good.
- Buying a drill for your dad?
- How'd you know?
Your mother told me this morning.
She's a fine- Iooking woman.
- Who's a fine-Iooking woman?
- Your mother. Bellissima!
Your father don't know how lucky
he is. Me, I'm not so lucky.
My wife, years of marriage...
...she has no love for me.
Ah, well. That's for another time.
How will you pay for this?
Just put it on the old man's tab.
Take care of yourself.
- Fine.
- Nice to meet you.
Ciao, arrivederci.
Mickey, say hello to your mother, huh?
You're really a jackass.
- I had to tell her.
- At my birthday dinner!
She's off to see Father John.
She'll be gone three weeks.
- My laundry will be on your doorstep.
- She didn't even like Renee.
In case you forgot, moron,
Catholics don't get divorced.
- Just live unhappily and lie.
- I don't care what you say out there.
But in my house,
you don't bash the Church.
Why are you getting so upset?
You don't even believe in God.
Doesn't mean I'm not a good Catholic.
Excuse me, Hope. I need a moment.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
That's not a good idea, Hope.
Why bring up the divorce?
Don't blame me. She was complaining
about his boat anyway.
He's years old.
She should let him be on the boat.
What should Mom do?
Sit here and wait for him?
It's his life, Mick.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry about that in there.
Me and the missus haven't
been seeing eye to eye.
Well, years we've been together.
I guess things change.
Mickey tells me you kids
are moving to Paris.
I'm going to the Sorbonne.
- How come?
- For my Ph.D.
Yeah, you look French. European.
- Or maybe from one of the islands.
- Oh, yeah? What islands?
Oh, I don't know.
- So where are you from?
- Vermont.
- So you're an American citizen.
- Yeah.
You know, it's funny,
Mrs. Fitzpatrick, my wife...
...when she found out Mickey got
married, she was understandably upset.
She thought it might be a shotgun
wedding, since we'd never seen you.
Anything you want to tell me?
- No.
- Lf you're pregnant, that's fine.
I always thought it'd be nice
to have a few grandkids.
Thought maybe Franny and Renee would
give me some, but it didn't work out.
- What about you?
- Thanks, but no, I'm not pregnant.
- And you are an American citizen?
- The last time I checked.
I thought so.
Tell me where you got it.
- Why?
- Just tell me.
- I told you, it was a gift.
- I know. From who, though?
- What's the big deal? It's a watch.
- It looks like one I used to own.
- What does that mean?
- Just tell me where you got the watch.
- I won't tell you anything.
- Francis, that is my old watch.
I gave it to Heather when I got
my TV. Now you're wearing it.
Why the fuck are you wearing my watch?
- Heather gave it to me.
- No shit, Dick Tracy, but why?
See, Mick, it's a long story.
I should have told you before.
I should've told you before,
but I didn't know how.
You been having
a lot of trouble with that.
The woman I've been seeing...
...is Heather.
- My Heather?
No. My Heather.
You're having sex with my ex-fiancée
who broke my heart?
- I love her.
- No, you don't.
- I do.
- You don't love my ex-fiancée.
- Can you understand that?
- You get this straight:
- I'm gonna marry her.
- What are you talking about?
All right, settle down!
What's going on?
Know why he's leaving Renee?
Because he's screwing Heather...
...the whore.
- Don't call her a whore.
- I'll call her what I want.
- What are you doing?
- What do you have to say, Francis?
Fuck him.
I know why he's really pissed.
Don't go there, bitch.
I'll kick your ass
for calling my girl a whore.
- She's your girl? This is his girl.
- Yeah, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
Huh, Mr. Loser-Cabdriver-
Can't- Afford-a-TV?
Let's take this outside. Come on.
Hope you know how stupid you all look.
You're grown men. Brothers!
Sometimes it's the only way
you can solve these things.
Okay, girls.
- I won't fight you, Fran.
- I know, Mick.
I beat you, you bleed.
It shouldn't take long.
We gotta do this with the gloves?
We in th grade?
- You didn't have to call her a whore.
- He's right. Come on.
No punching below the belt,
no kicking, and Francis, no biting.
Let's go! May the best man win.
Twenty-five years I've waited
to be bigger, tougher, stronger.
When you go down it'll hurt, baby.
I'll kick your ass. Ready?
You ready to be humiliated?
You're an ugly bitch. I pity you.
Great punch, Mick.
You always had a great right.
Come on, Dorothy. It's all over.
- How's it going?
- Not bad.
What happened to you?
I told Mickey about us.
One punch?
It was a cheap shot.
This wasn't about Heather.
It was between me and Fran.
He's trying to turn our lives
into a competition.
It's his way of saying,
"I won. "
I don't buy it. Something else
was going on and you know it.
I don't know what to tell you, okay?
That's what it was about.
I'm going to take a shower.
- Does it hurt?
- No, no. It's fine.
I've got something for you.
What's this?
Will you marry me?
You have to get divorced first, Fran.
Sure, but...
...this will be like a pre-divorce,
pre- engagement engagement ring.
Open it.
You didn't have to do this.
Come here, you poor thing.
So?
Why are you doing this?
Because I love you.
Can I have some time
to think about it?
Yeah.
I'm not going anywhere.
I side with Hope on this.
You shouldn't be pissed at Franny.
You kidding me, Dad?
Don't think I can't still
knock you on your ass.
Sorry. You knew what Fran was up to.
He's always pulled crap like this.
You're no different.
Or you wouldn't have
put on those gloves.
If you don't believe me,
I'll refresh your memory.
Little League. You're he's .
He's pitching, you're at bat.
He's got a full count on his
big brother, his idol.
He strikes you out, he's the hero.
What does he do?
He throws you a meatball
down the middle.
If you let him strike you out,
you make him the hero.
But you swing away.
So, how are we doing?
You tell me.
I want to apologize
for the other night.
I think this whole thing is crazy
and stupid, but it's like...
...you know, I'm a little confused.
- How's your friend Heather?
I wouldn't know.
Mick, I've been doing
some thinking and...
Who were we kidding? We only
knew one another for a few hours.
No way that would work, right?
I don't know if I'd say that.
It's just...
...that whole Paris thing
kind of threw me.
You're using that as an excuse.
We both know what's going on.
I'm leaving for Paris on Monday
and I think it's best if I go alone.
You're sure about that?
No, but I made up my mind.
- What did he say?
- Not much.
Did he fight for you?
No, not really.
Are you going alone to Paris?
- Hey, Fran.
- Say, Mick.
What are you doing here?
I can't come by
to see my little brother?
So? What happened?
Out of thousands of women,
you just fell in love with Heather?
That's not how it happened.
We both work on...
We run in similar circles.
Jesus. Give me a break.
Am I a moron? I'm your brother.
What were you thinking?
- You had to go after her?
- It wasn't like that.
You still love her?
Is that why this bothers you?
No, it has nothing to do with that.
We're not competing anymore.
Look at your life, you won already.
You got the big apartment,
nicer clothes.
You're Mr. Big Dick.
What more do you want?
Maybe he just wants to be happy.
To be happy, really? That's great.
Who am I to get in the way of this...
What was it? Happiness?
Franny obviously hasn't told you yet.
Told me what?
Your brother's asked me to marry him.
Great. That's terrific, hey.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- You out of your fucking mind?
- Don't start, Mick.
- I love her.
- No, you don't.
You don't, because she's unlovable.
- So, you didn't love her?
- A long time ago.
- I thought I could change her.
- I don't want to change her.
You don't know her, Fran.
Oh, I don't know her. Okay.
Fran, listen to me.
I didn't want to say this
but you should know some things.
Drop it. Right here. Nothing
you can say will change how I feel.
Don't be so sure about that.
When she was in college...
...paid her way through school by...
She was a call girl.
- What do you mean?
- You call a service, they send her...
What are you saying?
Like a hooker?
No.
Not "like" a hooker.
She was a hooker.
You are so sick.
You would stoop to this level.
- You think I'd make this up?
- Get out of here!
You're saying this because you
don't want us together.
I'm your brother. I don't want you
to find out after you're married.
I'm sorry, man, but it's true.
She's a hooker?
I knew she was seeing some other guy,
but what the fuck?
I can't marry a hooker.
It's not that big a deal.
She's not a hooker now...
Not that big a deal?
Mickey, you're my brother.
How could you keep this from me?
I gotta get some air.
Tell her...
Tell her I...
I don't care what you tell her.
Where's Franny?
He's not feeling so good.
He went out to get some air.
You told him?
He's my brother.
- You said you had no problem with it.
- I still don't.
But if he's gonna marry you,
I think he's got a right to know.
I guess we'll see what
he's really made of, huh?
What are you saying?
She said she was going there.
I just came from church.
She isn't there.
I haven't seen her at Mass for months.
Better start mixing more water
with that wine.
She goes to Mass every morning.
She prays for the boys.
Not in my church, she doesn't.
He's lucky I didn't kill him!
What's with Dad? He's half
in the bag. Acting crazy.
What happened today?
Mom left him this morning.
She'd go to Deluca's
hardware store every day...
...and...
...I can't even stomach it...
...screw around with Mr. Deluca.
- Mom and Deluca?
- Asshole!
- That's disgusting.
- Dad found them in a back room.
You should've seen... It was ugly.
Dad gave the guy a horrible beating.
Christ. What about Mom?
Where'd she go?
She went up to church to pray for Dad.
Pray for me, my ass!
She's the one who'll need prayers now!
- Do I look as good as I think I do?
- Very handsome, Mr. Fitzpatrick.
How's the hair, babe?
Still there, sir.
It's gonna be a good day.
A good day indeed, my man.
First day of the rest of my life.
Making some changes, babe.
- Heather, what's going on here?
- I'm leaving.
Forget that. You can't leave.
I'm in love with you.
I still want to marry you.
I'm sorry, Francis.
Here's your ring.
- I can't marry you.
- Why not?
Because Papa and I were married
this morning.
One day you say you'll marry me,
the next you marry the old man?
- He loves me.
- Of course he loves you.
You're beautiful,
he's got one foot in the grave.
- Because he makes more money than me?
- No.
- Does this have to do with the sex?
- Certainly didn't help matters much.
- He didn't care about my past.
- Oh, he doesn't care about your past.
Maybe that's because he doesn't
know you were a hooker.
He was my best customer.
Thanks for the memories.
You've ruined my life!
Hello?
Renee?
Hello, Francis,
what can I do for you?
This is very hard for me to say,
but I feel...
I know I made a mistake.
I've been selfish and thoughtless...
...and self-concerned,
but I'm gonna change.
I want a chance to do the right thing.
I want you to come home.
I miss you. I'll pay more attention.
I want to make it work again.
Will you come home?
Come on, Francis.
What do you want from me, huh?
I don't think so. A day late
and a dollar short, you know?
I don't think I could survive
another one of your down cycles.
- Hey, Connie, what's doing?
- What are you doing here?
I'm looking for Hope.
- Is she around?
- No, she's not.
You know where she might be?
I want to talk to her before she goes.
Mick, you fucked up, all right?
You're a jerk. You broke her heart...
...just like I told her you would.
Why don't you just get out?
All right. Do me a favor,
though, okay?
Tell her that I came by and that
I want to see her before she goes.
And tell her that I miss her.
Mick was just here.
What did he want?
I still say he's a prick, okay?
But he did sound upset
and he said that he missed you.
And he said he wants to
see you before you go.
So maybe you should go by
and see him or something.
Tortilla Flats.
Hold on a second.
It's Mick's dad.
I blew it.
I had the greatest woman in the world
and I blew it.
You don't know from blowing it, pal.
I had the perfect wife.
I screwed it up.
No, you didn't, man.
I had the perfect wife.
But you did screw it up for me.
So, thanks, I owe you one.
You know what, Mick?
If you really think about it...
...all this is entirely your fault.
Oh, really?
How do you figure that?
Well, if you never met
and got involved with Heather...
...where would we be now?
Interesting theory. I hope you didn't
hurt yourself coming up with it.
I still can't believe
that you wanted to marry her.
You're a confused and demented soul.
It's very upsetting to me,
as your brother.
Me, confused? Listen, pal...
...I'm not the fool letting his bride
honeymoon in Paris without him.
You think I don't want to go?
She said she didn't want me there,
so what am I supposed to do?
You want to get married without
a best man? Pay the price, pal.
By the way...
Remember, it's six hours ahead
over there.
Sorry.
Let's give this to the bartender.
It's gonna get nippy out there, boys.
This might be our last fishing trip
of the season.
Franny, sit down a minute.
I want to talk to you.
You know...
...since we're crying in our beers...
...while our women
are living their lives...
...I gotta think that maybe...
...I should apologize for
all my rotten advice.
Don't be so hard on yourself,
you don't need to apologize.
Yeah, I do. I did it to both of you.
You're a fucking mess,
and I'm partly responsible.
I don't know what to say.
First time I'm at a loss for words.
What'll happen between you and Mom?
I don't know.
We had a down cycle.
We just couldn't get out of it.
I told you. It happens.
Enough of this horseshit.
We going fishing?
It won't be so bad.
As long as we got each other...
...we'll do fine.
Deirdre, you coming?
I don't think I can make it today.
Why the hell not?
Hope's going to Paris tomorrow
and I'm going with her.
Well, if you can't go fishing,
help us load up the gear.
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
Your dad invited me fishing.
And what about Paris?
What about Paris?
You still want to go alone?
Come on. I didn't come to Brooklyn
to go fishing with your father.
See? He's always ignored my advice...
...now he's finally wised up.
Mickey, get your ass in the boat.
Don't you think I should drive?
Maybe we should take this
one step at a time, honey.