Voila! Finally, the Showtime
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Eddie Murphy and
Robert De Niro movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Showtime. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Being a policeman
is not what you see on TV.
I've never had to pick between
the red and blue wires.
Never seen a police car flip and cause
other cars to burst into flames.
Never had to jump across rooftops.
I investigate crimes, track leads...
...and sit in court. It's difficult,
tedious work, and you won't get rich.
But I've done it for years.
I'm a detective. That's what I do.
If you break the law...
...I'll do all I can to hunt you down
and put you behind bars.
I won't say that I succeed every time.
But I try to make sure that
if you do the crime, you'll do time.
Any questions?
Well, Detective Preston,
why don't you tell us about...
...the lighter side of police work?
You know. The fun days.
I chased him over three roofs.
You can't do this!
It's from the mayor.
You're a loose cannon.
-You destroyed a city block!
-He fired first.
I should read him his rights?
-You should've called for backup.
-My only backup is in a hospital bed!
His doctor called five minutes ago.
Jimmy didn't make it.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, no.
No!
-He was talking about getting out.
-It's hard.
He was like a brother to me, captain.
Since we was kids, we was partners.
We used to hang out...
...and dream about
being on the force together.
That was the dream.
Just two little Irish boys...
...fighting, scrapping,
thinking about making a difference.
God, I'm gonna miss him!
I'll need your gun
and your shield, Pete.
I may be off the force,
but I am not off this case!
-That's not in the script.
-I just threw that in at the end.
-I thought I should get the last line.
-Nailed it!
Trey, it was great. Very believable.
-But I'm not married to it.
-You can't fix perfect.
We have imaginations.
Thanks. We'll call you.
-You got my number.
-Right here.
-Moved to tears. Bye-bye.
-Take care.
-You too.
-Restroom on the left.
-Don't give up the day job.
-Unless it's acting.
L clear from code .
Roger, L .
Hope you had a nice lunch.
Getting ready to break my old score.
Gonna break my old record!
Now I get my grades in kills.
Just broke it!
I got the top spots now!
-Anybody want to take on the Ice Trey?
-Way to lay down the law, Top Cop.
-How you doing?
-What's up?
-Mitchie Mitch! How's it going, man?
-This is a friend of mine. Rich guy.
-How you doing?
-I'm all right.
Requesting assistance, possible at
the TV repair shop on st and Santee.
Maxis Network Channel chopper.
We got a hit on the police scanner.
Something going down at st and Santee.
This is Maxis Mobile One.
We're on our way.
A quick left, quick right.
All day.
-We got a couple of big spenders.
-Don't get up for us.
You all want to do something?
Yeah, we were wondering
if maybe you'd throw in a free set.
Two free sets.
One for him, one for me.
What's in the bag?
-Let's do it.
-All right.
It's all here.
-All good?
-Good to go.
Good. So you show us yours.
Don't look, now.
Touchdown.
-Check the metal detector's batteries.
-How about that, Re?
Thirsty?
A lifesaver.
That's some pretty high-quality shit.
All right. So we're on, right?
What the hell is this?
-What the hell is going on?
-Wait. Hold on.
-This some police shit?
-What?
-You brought the police back here?
-Take it easy!
-Don't tell me to take it easy!
-Don't tell me to shut up.
You better calm your punk ass down!
Stop pointing that shit at me!
-Put that away.
-You think it's a game?
Put the gun away.
See, it's gone.
It's all over. Let's go. Come on.
Let's wrap it up.
I don't want them coming back.
All right.
What the hell is going on?
-Shit, we on Channel !
-I'm gonna blast these fools!
-What was that, a bazooka?
-You shot the wrong brother.
-I'll find the guy with the cannon.
-Hands behind your back.
I'm calling Johnnie Cochran.
I got his number. You're going down.
Okay, showtime.
Stop, police!
Okay, round two, baby.
-Freeze! L.A.P.D.!
-Undercover narcotics!
-Drop it!
-We got an officer-involved shooting!
Put your weapon down, right now!
Right now! Down!
Good job, officer!
-Smile for the camera, Ice Trey.
-Get back here! You're under arrest!
Turn that shit off!
Turn that shit off!
Out of my way! Police officer!
Look out!
Get that camera out of here!
-Are you okay?
-It went through my vest.
-We need an R.A. unit. Get away!
-I'm staying.
-Get the goddamn camera out of here.
-I'm just doing my job.
What are you doing?
Get a real job.
Talk to us.
Give us some information, something.
-Have a statement?
-Don't break the police tape.
-We have a right--
-To keep on the other side.
Aren't you the cop who got busted
with his own cuffs?
Think an officer doing his job
is funny?
Let's see how funny it is
when I move this tape back feet.
-He'll be a Bloopers classic.
-Get B-roll.
Come over the tape, you'll get B-roll
of me kicking your ass down to Sunset.
-Detective Preston!
-Detective Preston!
-Why did you shoot the camera?
-Are you a loose cannon?
What happened?.
-Give me all you got.
-Brad?
Hi, Chase. Go.
I have the show to pull your
network from the ratings toilet.
-You can do public executions?
-Meet Mitch Preston.
-You know I don't read.
-Look at the pictures. Annie.
Get that f***ing thing out of here!
What was that?
"Detective Preston
destroys Maxis TV camera."
-That's ours.
-"Rogue cop guns down camera."
-We can sue.
-Exactly.
He's Dirty Harry, he's real
and we've got him by the balls.
I see where you're going with this.
A reality show.
-How is it different than Cops?
-Did you see?
He's a modern-day cowboy.
He's sexy, volatile. He's a bad boy,
and women love bad boys.
-He could frisk me.
-You like getting frisked?
Brad, focus. Want to see it again
in slow motion?
-I get the point. Shit!
-What?
-I was outbid for an A-Team lunch box.
-Okay, Brad.
-So we've got this Mitch Preston?
-We're with him hours a day.
Because he's gonna blow again,
and when he does, we'll be there.
If he makes a lot of arrests,
he gets a prize?
-Who gets the prize?
-This isn't a game show.
This is one man, on his own,
kicking ass and taking names.
-Can we give him a partner?
-That's a good idea.
-We'll give him a funny-minority type.
-That'll get the NAACP off my back.
-Or is it the NCAA?
-Do we have a deal?
-Fine, go make a pilot.
-No, Brad.
This guy isn't a pilot, he's a series.
Trust me.
I'll stake my entire reputation on it.
What reputation? You still get shit
for faking the flammable pajama story.
You can't tell me that wasn't good TV.
Are you in or out? I'm pitching
this at Fox in half an hour.
-I'll give a six-episode commitment.
-Yes!
But if it's all pit stops at Krispy
Kreme, I'm pulling the plug...
-...and you're out of a job.
-We'll all be out of a job.
What do they teach you in China?
Let's go. Bring it on.
-You rocked!
-We're screwed.
-We know nothing about these shows.
-There are rules.
Call L.A.P.D. and get clearances.
And find a cameraman.
-Is Julio out of traction?
-I'll call the hospital.
-What if our Dirty Harry says no?
-Everybody wants to be on TV.
- . It looks like the stolen cuffs
were an inside job.
That's very funny, guys.
Very funny. Very well-written.
What are you reading,
the Jenny Craig newsletter?
FYI, my friend,
a lot of this is muscle.
It's a flyer for some new
reality-TV cop show.
-I got to be part of this.
-Thought you wanted to be a detective.
I'm a cop
and I'm a professional actor.
Your career consists of a few lines
on an episode of Diagnosis Murder.
All I need is the right part
and I'll get my big break.
Know how old Sam Jackson was
when he got his break? He was .
Okay, but he's got, gosh,
what's that thing called? Talent.
I'm talented. I ain't no Sam Jackson,
but I'm talented.
Your partner will be Mitch Preston.
We know who'd wear the cuffs there.
He nailed the other lead?
He's front-page news.
Everybody's talking about him.
I'd blow his old ass off the screen
every night.
You crazy? Mitch Preston, please!
I said, "Do you wanna take your feet
off the desk?"
Get your feet off the desk.
Where's Lazy Boy?
My client's taking the Fifth.
He's the victim here.
Got yourself a pricey lawyer.
Had to sell a lot of TVs for that.
-Who's paying?
-That's privileged information.
The captain needs to see you
when you're done.
He's done. Come on, ReRun.
This interview is over.
-We don't talk, we walk.
-For now.
-Do you want me to start filming?
-Yeah, everything you see. Perfect.
Oh, my God.
This place is so depressing.
It looks like a tomb.
Well, you wanted reality.
We need a reality change.
This is hideous.
I'm not doing it.
Let them follow somebody else.
They don't want anyone else.
You the man of the hour.
-All I did was shoot a video camera.
-You made us look like savages.
-The network is suing for $ million.
-What?
They said you could have killed
their cameraman.
Maybe I should have killed him.
The chief already cut the deal.
Do the show, and they drop the suit.
What?
That's extortion! They can't do that.
We need good PR.
Community relations are in the toilet.
-You the best detective we got.
-So, what about this big gun?
Am I supposed to let them follow me
around while I track down the weapon?
-Look, I did an episode of Cops once.
-You did an episode of Cops?
You forget the camera is even there.
-This is real work. I'm not an actor.
-No one is saying you can't work.
But you screwed up. And now
you've got to play ball. End of story.
You'll be reporting
to the show's producer, Chase Renzi.
Chase Renzi? Is that a real name?
I won't take orders from some
coked-out Hollywood dickhead.
Not in a million years.
That I won't do.
That's good,
because she doesn't have a dick.
Check her out for yourself.
She's outside, waiting for you.
Well. Better looking than I thought.
We gotta bring in color, some light.
Do you think these windows move?
Detective Preston, hi.
I can see you're busy.
We'll talk tomorrow.
He's not very friendly.
Find out where he eats.
Make a reservation for two.
-Here you go, cover boy.
-Thanks.
Detective Preston, Chase Renzi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
-How you doing?
-Good. I see you've already ordered.
-Make it quick, I have work to do.
-What can I get you?
Same as him. A cheeseburger, rare,
fries and a Coke.
-Diet?
-Regular.
So, Detective Preston....
Can I call you Mitch?
Why don't I just launch
into a few basic questions...
-...and find out what makes you tick.
-I don't tick.
-Sure you do. Everybody ticks.
-Not me.
Tell me about yourself.
You have a girlfriend, a wife?
-Ex-wife.
-Ex-wife.
Was it a painful divorce?
I only ask because I was divorced,
and I know it can be difficult.
I mean, did you drink?
Lady, I'm here because my captain
made me. I had no choice.
I have no interest in you,
your questions or your show.
Not only do I understand
your resistance, I appreciate it.
You do, huh? Good.
I'm not into making the same bullshit
cop show we've seen a million times.
That's why I believe if we're honest
and open with each other...
...we could do something
very special here.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
-I'm talking about reality, Mitch.
-There you go.
Letting the world find out
who you really are.
You're looking for loose cannon,
cop-on-the-edge Serpico bullshit.
I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.
See that anger, Mitch?
It's working for you.
The audience will connect
with that in a major way.
I'm out of here.
I'll call you later
to discuss your new partner.
Want that in a doggy bag?
No.
Thanks, though. It was delicious.
-How did it go? Is he intense?
-I need cherry Tums, quick.
-Is he psyched about the show?
-It may be harder than I thought.
-Hey!
-You son of a bitch!
Freeze! L.A.P.D.!
Wait! Wait!
Bad idea. I only got two things
bigger than my mouth.
One of them is pointed at your head.
-You want to do this the hard way?
-I'll stick you, pig!
-Okay, officer. You nice with yours.
-You damn right.
If your boys want to know who put the
smack down on you, my badge is .
I go by the name of Trey Sellars,
patrolman.
-I believe this belongs to you, ma'am.
-Chase Renzi. That was incredible.
Just doing my job, like the badge
says, protecting and serving.
-Get this psycho off me!
-What's with the Superfly shit?
-I got the situation in hand.
-Top Cop, how you doing?
This is my collar.
Never leave a suspect
who's not cuffed.
-He could've had a gun.
-Nobody got no gun.
Trey, I think you broke a rib.
Tell him to get the cuffs off.
I told you I can't do handcuffs.
Quiet!
You have the right to remain silent!
-You know each other?
-No.
Never seen him before.
Just another criminal.
Bullshit. We took a stage combat class
together last fall.
Nice try, pal.
He's just trying to weasel
his way out of the crime.
-That's what he's doing.
-He looks like a real menace.
Who wants to explain?
Trey said he'd give me $ if I
snatched the lady's purse and ran.
He'd pull up in his police car,
jump out...
...chase me up a fence,
beat me down, kick me--
All right, all right. Okay.
I set the whole thing up.
It was a big setup.
I set it up to make it look
like I was....
-I was auditioning to get this part.
-What part?
Your partner.
We've been interviewing.
It won't be this moron.
I should report you
for impersonating a cop.
Put a lock on that "moron" shit.
Why you take everything so seriously?
You should be protecting,
not staging crimes.
-Someone could've got hurt.
-Like me.
I'm learning from a guy
who shot a news camera?
You got the part already.
I'm just trying to spruce it up.
-That's what you normally do at work.
-Better watch your mouth.
What are you gonna do,
wrap me up in caution tape?
No, I ain't gonna wrap you up
in caution tape.
But I'll tell you, punk, I might whip
your ass up and down the parking lot.
Work on your Starsky and Hutch
routine on your own time.
You better walk off.
I was getting ready to slap you.
-He's a disgrace.
-You'd work with him?
Never in a million years.
-I think we have good chemistry.
-Riveting.
-Amazing.
-Really?
Thank you. All right.
The guy's a joke.
There's no way I'll work with him.
I don't want to hear it.
Shit, come on.
Thanks.
You're doing this. That's an order.
Trapped in the jaws, he struggled.
You'll never see no brothers
messing with no sharks.
Never.
Hello?
I saw you on TV,
shooting up the neighborhood.
What's going on, Vargas?
I was trying to call you, dog.
Oh, yeah?
I got cell phones, call waiting,
e-mail, voice mail...
...and I haven't heard una chingada
from you.
It ain't like that, dog.
I laying low till everything
dies down. It got crazy.
And did I say you could use my gun?
You know, Lazy Boy, I trusted you.
And you let me down.
And now you put
my entire shipment at risk.
You used that gun
without my permission.
We don't want that getting
into the wrong hands, do we now?
No, I was just borrowing it.
Just testing it out, you know?
-And how did it work?
-Real good. I got it right here.
So we cool, right?
-Yeah. We cool.
-I'm sorry about--
Don't worry. We cool, Lazy Boy. Okay?
-We're cool.
-All right.
You two have a nice night. Okay?
All right.
What the hell was that all about?
What the hell?
-What's that?
-Stop playing this shit, man.
Get down!
Freeze! L.A.P.D.
What do I do?
Cut, cut, cut, cut. Cut.
Let's do it again.
Freeze! L.A.P.D.
That how he's doing it?
I'm laying my shit out.
Freeze! L.A.P.D. That shit is right.
Ready?
Patrolling your area at Friday....
Friday night at . Eight.
Patrolling every Friday at .
Yeah, good, and be happy.
Why should I? I'm patrolling.
You're happy because
you're patrolling.
Keeping it safe, Mitch.
Patrolling every Friday at night.
Every Friday night at .
This guy is the worst actor
I have ever seen.
-Get out.
-Wait a minute, hold it, cut, cut.
Mitch, you can't just
toss a cameraman aside.
Give me a pad, I'll show you
how a TV cop comes through the door.
The doors fly open.
They fly open. You burst in.
You scan the room.
You do the turn, toss yourself around.
And now! You're set and--
But don't turn your head
too far from camera.
That little lady is your lover. Don't
respect her, she won't respect you.
-Always know where she is.
-She's in my way.
What's wrong?
You're getting tips from T.J. Hooker.
Which is the most underrated show
in history.
-Nobody came through a door like you.
-Thank you.
-This guy is no detective.
-I'm playing a detective.
-I'm playing detective.
-All right, guys.
-I'm playing a detective.
-Okay.
Let's go do some hood-jumping.
What's that?
-What do you think? We jump over hoods.
-Something you'd know.
Freeze!
That was great, Trey.
Beautiful. That was really great.
-Okay, Mitch. Come here.
-I'm not going on the hood of a car.
-What do you mean?
-Forget it.
I entertained viewers everywhere
in the ' s, jumping on car hoods.
One of a TV cop's greatest weapons.
I'll show you.
You gotta stop them, see? Halt!
And you throw your body. Halt!
You okay, T.J.?
Moving on.
Who stole the money?
Deep in thought.
Now the eyebrows arch,
ever so slightly.
And Hooker solves another case.
Okay? All right, Trey, you try it.
Go ahead. Ready?
-Get loose now. Loosen up. Ready?
-Yeah.
Trey, who stole the money?
Good. You nailed it, first take.
Give me five. That was good!
Okay, Mitch.
Come on, show me some magic.
Mitch, who stole the money?
Look at that, Trey. Look.
Look at the anger in his eyes.
Look at that.
See that slight squint says,
"Hey, I'm Mitch. I'm the man.
Don't mess with me."
Okay. Let's taste some drugs.
Hooker's got a bag
of white powder in his hand.
Spears it open with a pocketknife.
Takes his little pinkie...
...in the powder.
And he touches it,
gently, on his tongue.
Watch the eyebrows.
Hooker knows it's cocaine.
What if it's cyanide?
Hello? Hold on. There's a reason
real cops don't taste drugs, Bill.
It's never cyanide.
Show me the thing with your eyebrow.
-Okay, I'm on my way.
-It's tricky.
-Where are you going?
-I gotta wash this shit out of my hair.
We have some action?
We have some action, finally.
-Beep, beep!
-Hey, Mitch.
-What'd you do to my car?
-We added micro cameras.
In the wheel, the glove compartment
and a crook-cam in the back.
-Pretend they're not there.
-Pretend.
-See? You're catching on already.
-We'll be right behind you in the van.
You'll be right behind me?
What are you doing?
I'm on the case. I'm your partner.
We're together.
Unbelievable.
What's the mean face for?
Listen. Don't speak, listen.
There's a few things
I need to tell you.
First of all, you gotta know
that I got your back covered...
...and I gotta know
you got mine covered.
No doubt.
When we're on the job you're
the only person I can depend on.
Not friends, family,
not anybody, just you.
You got that?
That's important.
There's no other way.
And it's gotta start right now.
You know, ever since I was
I wanted to be a cop.
I wanted to be on the force
like Uncle Reggie.
He was the first in the family
on the force. Big muscles.
Uncle Reggie.
He used to let me ride
in the squad car with him.
Once he let me play with the siren.
From then on...
...I knew I was gonna be a cop.
Uncle Reggie.
Yeah.
My uncle--
Uncle Reggie passed away
two years ago.
He got caught in the line
of some fire.
Didn't slow me down.
I remember how he set me on my way.
He's looking down on me
from a big precinct in the sky.
He's thinking, "You've done all right,
Trey. You've done right by me."
What does that
got to do with anything?
-You got a speech, so I get a speech.
-That wasn't a speech.
That "I'm your partner."
That was a speech.
You burned up seconds of air.
That was a speech.
When we get to the crime scene,
stay out of my way.
This isn't studio shit.
This is real.
-Get your camera out of here.
-Hey, watch it.
Julio has to shoot. That's the show.
He's done Jerry Springer.
That's right. Whatever you need,
I'm there.
If I get shot, stabbed, it's cool.
Whatever. I'm getting good footage.
Just remember three words:
Go to Trey.
-I'm Trey.
-Julio.
-You worked on Springer?
-Springer, Girls Gone Wild.
Get that camera out of here.
Who's in the bag?
We don't know yet.
Whoever shot him didn't care
for open caskets.
Thinking what I'm thinking?
I seriously doubt it.
I'm thinking there's dirty
cops on the streets...
...cleaning the streets up
on they own terms, partner.
This is payback for a drug deal
gone sour.
Whoever this guy worked for
got pissed.
Even better. This is a bad guy
retribution scenario.
Good thinking, partner.
Good thinking.
I think I can identify
one of the victims.
Those are -gauge, armor-piercing
uranium shells.
-Charlie.
-Hey, Mitchell.
I found explosive and incendiary
rounds scattered around.
The same gun that put holes
in your TV repair shop.
It appears to be hand-held, automatic,
with interchangeable magazines.
Technically, this gun doesn't exist.
-What do you mean?
-This gun is like the -foot shark.
Speak English.
It's out there,
but nobody's ever seen it.
Any idea who made it?
It's a custom job. My guess is,
it's out of Eastern Europe.
-Thanks, Charlie. Keep your eyes open.
-You bet.
-What are you doing?
-Take it easy.
-You're not supposed to touch.
-I didn't. I turned it over.
-Let me know when you touch--
-I don't have to--
-What's going on?
-He's contaminating my crime scene.
I'm doing a sweep of the area.
You never know where a crucial
bit of evidence may be hiding.
Like this, for instance.
Did anybody think to pull some prints
off this water bottle?
Can I get an evidence bag?
Put down my water.
I'm not finished drinking it.
That's an honest mistake.
You got your water amongst potential
evidence so I thought it was....
Hey, T.J., go solve the case
somewhere else.
Don't give me orders,
I'm your partner!
No, you're not,
I partner with real cops.
-Get me a copy of that report.
-All right, Mitch.
Well, I am your partner,
so you better accept that.
I am your partner!
He won't open up. You know how hard
it is to work with somebody like that?
I know. Mitch has been a lot
more resistant than I'd hoped for.
I think that you and Mitch
need some bonding time.
You're right. We do.
We need some QT time together.
Two guys hanging out, have some beers.
I'll call to see
if he wants to hang out.
Let's not call him.
Let's just go over.
-Just show up?
-Surprise him.
What are you doing?
How hard is it to say,
"Hi, Trey, nice to see you"?
Hi, Trey. What are you doing here?
We got off on the wrong foot.
I got some food.
We can eat the food and bond a bit.
-Bond?
-Yeah.
How'd you get my address?
-Hi, Mitch.
-Oh, shit.
-Yeah.
-I gave it to him.
-Will you invite us in? Don't be rude.
-Do I have to?
You got us out in the hall
like a Jehovah's Witness.
I gotta see where my star cop lives.
Come on, Mitch.
-Oh, my God.
-Mitch...!
Nice.
Got a little smell to it.
Not a stinky smell, an odd one.
What is that smell?
Is this here your actual living area?
This is my Batcave. A tunnel
in the garage leads to my mansion.
What's the problem?
Research tells us buddy cops
live in visually distinctive places.
Like a trailer on the beach or
a loft downtown. That kind of thing.
Your research shows that, huh?
Where does he live?
I rent a guesthouse from a producer.
-Kind of gives off a Magnum vibe.
-Totally.
It's unique. You know what, Mitch?
We can make this work.
Did a crackhead make this cup?
-It's not visually exciting enough?
-No. It's just--
The point is to let the audience
in on all aspects of your life.
They want to spend time in a place
that speaks to your personality.
This does speak to my personality.
Mitch, I think you need some time
away from the job.
I just found the crackhead's shop.
Hey, don't go in there.
This is what you smell
all over the place.
Wow, a pottery studio!
You're full of surprises.
How long you been doing this?
-Six years, give or take.
-You really got a knack for it.
This room's off-limits.
It's not for show.
Okay, Mitch.
We haven't done any bonding
at all yet.
Bond with yourself, I got work to do.
Hey!
Check this out.
Must be some Hollywood dickhead.
-Not bad, huh?
-A cop never slides across the hood.
-Why? It's not police procedure?
-Your holster scratches the paint.
Nice.
They can buff that shit out.
-I'm trying for detective.
-You take the exam?
-Twice.
-And you think you won't fail again?
Now I'm working with Mitch Preston.
Give me some tips, and I'll tip you
on how to look better on camera.
-Tips like what?
-You wear plaids, like fishermen.
That's ugly shit. Wear solids.
You look slimmer on camera.
-I'll keep that in mind.
-Got any tips for me?
Yeah, stay out of my way
and I won't shoot you.
What the hell's going on?
Welcome to America's window
on your world.
What is this?
-We made your workspace camera-ready.
-My work space?
I think it captures the reality
of an inner-city precinct.
Is this where you do the makeup?
No. This is good. You have to see it.
Mitch, you have to see this.
-Look at your desk. It's so beautiful.
-Is this my desk?
That's your desk. And that's yours,
Mitch. We didn't change it.
But this is a confessional. All right?
Talk about anything you want.
You can talk about the job,
each other...
...your sex lives. I mean,
only if you want to. Direct to camera.
-No, thanks.
-You could put a pottery wheel there.
Look, Mitch, this is an integral
part of the show.
You're obligated to spend
five minutes a day in here.
We've provided a chair.
All you have to do is sit and share.
-Share?
-Learn how to turn on your heart light.
-Exactly.
-Chase!
Brad loves the promo footage.
-But they need a catch phrase.
-I got one. "I wish I was dead."
You need a catch phrase? I got it.
-When I'm about to make a bust--
-When did you ever make a bust?
Don't tell me.
When I'm about to make a bust,
to get in the moment...
...I take three deep breaths and say to
myself, "Okay, Trey, it's showtime!"
-You say that?
-That's stupid.
-What's stupid about it?
-Know what?
Don't say it, please.
No, I have to say it, Mitch.
"Showtime." It's amazing.
-That could be the name of our show!
-See? It's not stupid. It's perfect.
Say it again for the camera.
Do it again with the breathing.
My God, you're a natural.
It's showtime!
This is Harley Barley taking calls
from fans of the new series Showtime.
Let's go to Pete from Idaho.
You're on the air.
I wanted to say to Mitch,
I know how you feel.
I mean, I got a lot of anger
inside me too.
I want to take my gun
and blow everybody away!
Thank you, Pete.
You sure you're not calling from Waco?
Let's go to line three.
Mandy, you're on.
I just love me some Showtime.
I'm your biggest fan. Trey is so fine.
-I could ride that.
-What?
Thank you, Mandy.
I'm on Showtime. What's up?
Trey! Marry me, Trey!
Marry me, Trey!
I'm gonna be honest, you know.
It's natural, when you're in
a situation that's shitty...
...to think about what it might be
like to have a different partner.
Like somebody that was
closer to your age.
Charismatic, with a little flair
and shit.
You kicking it with him,
have some fun.
Me and a Wesley Snipes type.
I know you won't get Wesley.
I see Wesley Snipes types
all the time.
Me and a Wesley Snipes type?
Can you imagine?
Wesley Snipes type?
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Huh? Do you?
Basically, I'm saying the whole show
is slowed down just a half a beat...
-I'm too old for this shit.
-...so Mitch can keep up.
Because I'm working out.
I do free-weights.
Go ahead. Make my day.
I'm taking care of mine. Mitch is not.
That's it. I'm taking care of mine
and Mitch is not.
Trey, look at this. It's all for you.
-Trey, I'm right here.
-Yo, Trey.
Five minutes up yet?
It's showtime!
What are you looking at that for,
Magnum?
-How come we're not talking to him?
-Because he's sitting in county.
A jailhouse.
That could be the next episode.
Forget it. I put him there.
He's the one who knows
about this gun.
He won't talk to me. I already tried.
He'll talk to me.
What makes you think
he'll talk to you?
I won't go in like a bulldog like you.
-I'll talk. I'll be in character.
-In character!
That's great.
You mean, like undercover?
A little finesse, catch him off guard,
have him think I'm someone else.
Character. What kind of a character?
I don't know.
ReRun! How you doing, my man? I'm Trey
Sellars from the Justice Channel.
-Have a seat, please. You being strong?
-Yeah.
-Thanks for coming. You okay?
-I ain't heard of no Justice Channel.
That's because we got started
while you was rotting away in here.
The Justice Channel is devoted to
shining the light on victims like you.
-He's got talent, Mitch, come on.
-We're wasting our time.
Is that a new shirt?
It looks good. I like you in solids.
What's this shit about you
getting me out?
Not me, brother, the TV show.
I'm hosting a show called Framed.
Let me tell you about the show.
We spotlight you.
Put a light on your situation.
Let the people see you.
Hopefully, we get a grassroot
campaign started and get you out.
I got three people out.
You can be number four.
-Like Mandela.
-Similar. You ain't as noble.
You ain't no Nelson. You're ReRun.
You your own man. We want ReRun out.
Mandela's shit stink too.
Trey, I'll talk you through this.
-Not so loud.
-Say what?
I wasn't that loud.
You don't have to talk too loud.
Shouldn't my lawyer be here?
That's the wrong thing you can do.
Let me explain something.
Research has shown people
don't want to hear lawyers.
They want to hear it
straight from your mouth.
I got Johnnie Cochran.
No offense, bro.
Cochran will get a response
I'm not trying to get.
I'm trying to get people
to connect with you.
If they see Johnnie Cochran
in a $ suit...
...they ain't going to get you
out of prison.
Ain't no cops here.
Just me and you. Brother to brother.
I'm your brother.
Take it slow. Nice and easy.
He's still on the fence.
All right! You and Lazy Boy
got this gun from somebody!
You work for the same person!
Who you working for?
What the hell?
What kind of reporter are you?
-I don't tiptoe around the truth!
-Back off.
And I will not back off
until I find out the truth!
Brother, look at me. They selling
your black ass down the river.
You say "ass" on TV?
This is cable.
I can say whatever I want to.
Did they tell you plea-bargain?
Take the hit, do the time?
That's what was said, isn't it?
Yeah.
See if you can get a name.
It's time, ReRun.
It is time to shine the light
on who's behind this.
Who's the puppet master?
Whose time are you doing?
While you're in here
he's smelling freedom.
-And tasting it.
-What you smell?
-Ass.
-Ass and feet, and tension and stress.
Hey, brother, that ain't for you.
Look in that camera right now.
Make a connection.
Look right into the lens.
Say who it is that's supposed to be
in here instead of you.
Look in the camera and say it.
I'm with you.
I'm right here with you.
All the people out there in TV land...
...and Mama, I'm coming home soon....
-Your baby be home soon, Mama.
-Yes.
The culprit...
You'll see Mama soon.
...that put me on the streets
to do his dirty work...
...that's shitting on my freedom...
Tell them.
...is none other...
This is an emotional moment.
I get caught up when I know a brother
is ready to leave. I love it.
...than Vargas!
Caesar Vargas!
He said it!
Hope you're watching, bitch.
-Shit.
-You did the right thing, brother.
Find out where he is.
You going down, baby.
You made a connection.
When the people see this,
they'll get rallied up. I can tell.
Now, where would a guy
like Vargas kick it?
-You trying to get a brother killed--
-Not at all.
I do this for the viewers.
We don't point fingers.
We'll say, "If you don't want to run
into Vargas don't go to this place."
Hanging out with him, you wind up
in this place. That's how you got here.
Look to the camera.
Think about the babies, the children.
Save the babies, brother.
People...
...and children in TV land and all
the little kids around the world...
...don't be like me.
And if you want to stay
out of harm's way...
...don't go to Club Cuba Loca
on Figueroa.
It's a bad place. Don't go.
He's just lucky.
Brother, you did the right thing.
Don't you feel good?
-We connected.
-A weight off my shoulders.
You going down, bitch.
I got backup now.
Hey, that's a wrap.
Yeah! Come on, Mitch.
Now it's time for us
to get down to my story.
I was born in a corn field,
Grandma was a stripper--
Save all that for when you do
The Oprah Winfrey Show.
Yo, we going to the club tonight.
Now what?
Watch me.
Is the mike on?
Can you turn the mike up?
Sorry to bother everybody.
Is Mr. Vargas here?
Anybody know where Mr. Vargas is?
Mr. Vargas?
There he is.
See how easy that was?
Don't get up, we'll come to you.
Sorry. Go on back...
...to living la vida loca.
Sorry, I always wanted to do that.
Be right with you, Mr. Vargas.
Interesting approach.
Just doing my part.
He's over this way.
-That button-cam was a good idea.
-Yeah, I told you.
-Mr. Vargas?
-Yes.
I'm Detective Preston, L.A.P.D.
I'd like to ask you some questions.
I am in the middle of dinner.
-Hope this doesn't ruin your appetite.
-I got a strong stomach.
-Who's he?
-One of your employees. You know that.
A lot of people work for me.
I don't know this guy.
And what about this guy?
What's his name?
He's big...
...probably big enough to go through
those bulletproof vests you wear.
Am I right?
Bulletproof vest, huh?
And you are...?
You can't miss me. I'm across
the street on the billboard.
You are the TV cops.
Right.
What's your line again?
"It's showtime!"
It's showtime!
I told you it was good.
See how funny this is
once we arrest you.
And then what?
What'll you do?
Try me in The People's Court?
We're gonna be watching
your punk ass - slick.
Are you going to arrest me?
Because if you're not, get out.
Or I have to call the real cops.
-Hey, we are the real cops.
-Sure you are.
-You don't think we're real cops?
-I think you're a joke.
It's all right. He cannot touch me.
Not this time, but next time
I'll drag you out of here in cuffs.
You see, I told you.
They are a joke.
Right?
-It's a joke. It's a Showtime joke.
-Showtime.
That's great TV!
We can take this car and meet girls
who wouldn't normally look at us.
Yeah, I'll pass.
You gotta go whip up
some dinner plates?
-Why don't you stop the car?
-All right, I'll leave you alone.
-What's this, your picture and résumé?
-Those are my -by- s.
I just want to look.
All these special skills
must come in handy, huh?
I've never...
...never met a...
...mime. Is that it? Mime?
Yeah, I'm a mime. I mime.
I'm curious about these movies:
Beach Party Bonzo?
Yes, it's a semi-independent film.
Very low-budget, semi-independent.
Planet Gorthon, A.D.?
Kind of light porn,
but I don't even want to go into it.
You try out for the Village People?
-I'm adding pottery to that list.
-Don't knock pottery.
Of all the things a man can do,
why would somebody throw a pot?
-lf I tell you, will you drop it?
-Please tell me.
My marriage counselor. My ex and I were
on the rocks. She said get a hobby.
-And that's it?
-That's it.
Why are you so crappy at it?
It's like you and work.
I never took it seriously.
-Can I ask you something?
-Yeah.
Why'd you become a cop, anyway?
-Because I was a shitty waiter.
-You mean you were a better mime?
I was an excellent mime. Still am.
Would you like to see my skills?
I got the car. Don't worry.
See? Now my face
is against the glass.
You can mime words too. Watch.
-Fuck you.
-Okay.
I'm impressed.
There's a glass wall here.
Thanks for the ride.
-We got to bond, don't you think?
-No. Not really.
Uh-oh.
-What?
-I never leave my lights on.
Surprise!
What did you do?
-You don't like it?
-No, I don't.
Tell Don Johnson
we found his apartment.
I don't know what you were thinking.
I want it back. Now!
Okay, Mitch. Just relax, okay?
We didn't touch the pottery.
We're giving you sex appeal.
It looks like a gay porno star
lives here.
And here they are, right here.
Just stop.
You can't change the place
without my permission.
You don't have the right.
Get this dog out.
Powder's yours.
Mine? I don't want some dog.
What is this?
He used to be a drug sniffer
in the K- unit.
He looks like an addict.
-He makes you look sympathetic.
-A kennel won't make him sympathetic.
Want me to be sympathetic?
Put my stuff back.
I'll be sympathetic.
Until then, I won't be.
How can you say no to that face,
Mitch?
I can say no very easily.
No, Powder. Get out.
Don't be like that.
It's just a dog, man.
Come here, Powder.
You're a good boy.
Shit!
Maybe Mitch is right.
Get rid of the dog.
I don't know.
I like his instincts.
Watch your ass, Powder.
Okay. Move it.
Dispatch, this is Armor --
Go! Go!
Go.
This is Showtime One.
We're on it.
Okay.
Annie, get the dish up.
Julio, go!
That's definitely our gun.
Watch it!
Hey! Hey!
-Let's go!
-Move it!
Damn! We lost picture!
Slow down!
There he is!
I got him!
-Incoming!
-Watch it!
-You getting this?
-Yeah!
Jump!
Jump! Jump!
You gotta jump! Now!
-Come on, Mitch!
-Do it!
Now that was some good hood-jumping!
You all right?
You okay?
I think two drops of pee came out.
You're off the show, Sellars.
You're busted to patrol.
Showtime is over.
And we're screwed.
See you back on the tape, Top Cop.
Being a police officer is not
what you see on TV!
I've never seen you do
anything like this!
Your showboating
put this city at risk.
I expect that of Trey, not you.
It just escalated.
Mitch, it's over. It's over.
Chief is pulling the plug on the show.
-Good. Now I can get back to work.
-No, you can't. You're off the case.
-What?
-PR is having a heart attack.
This is worse than
when you shot the camera.
If Vargas gets more guns,
we'll be even worse off.
You blew it. I'm relieving you of
duty, pending an investigation.
What, do you want me to turn in
my gun and my badge? Ben, come on.
I just want you to go home
till this shitstorm settles.
What am I supposed to do at home?
I don't know. Read a book.
Watch some TV.
Do your pottery projects.
What?
What?
He's touching the pecker-cam.
There's a lens in those eyes.
My woodpecker?
-Don't break it.
-I said no cameras.
I hope you got all of this.
You hear me?
I hope you got it all.
He broke it.
I'll get you another one.
Talk to him. He's got issues.
He hates cameras.
-We're here to take the dog.
-The dog stays.
We have orders.
He's a police officer.
Touch him and I'll shoot you.
Go, go, go.
Good boy, Powder. Good boy.
Nobody will take you away.
Trey, forget Showtime.
We'll do our own buddy cop show.
I got a treatment worked out
in my head. Check it.
You're Nick Load, and I'm John Lock.
-Nick who?
-Nick Load.
You're Nick Load. I'm John Lock.
Together, we're Lock and Load.
We are the baddest bicycle cops
on Venice Beach.
Is that hot shit, or what?
Listen, George Clooney
had shows fail...
...before he hit big with ER.
So you see?
I don't wanna be the guy
putting up the caution tape.
I was feeling this detective thing.
Listen, you have heat
on your acting career right now.
If you don't strike while the iron
is hot, it'll pass you by.
Whatever. I'm gonna go see
this last episode of Showtime.
You had your food. None for you.
You're off the show, Sellars.
You're busted to patrol.
-What happens to Mitch?
-He's relieved of duty.
Mitch is my partner.
He's the only person I can depend on.
Not my family, not my friends.
Just him.
That's beautiful, Sellars.
What do you want me to do?
-lf he's relieved, I should be.
-lf you want it, you're relieved too.
Okay.
-I'm relieved, then.
-Okay.
-Want my gun and badge?
-Get out of here.
All right.
-Who is this?
-It's me, Mitch.
What do you want?
-Are you watching the show?
-No, I'm not. It's ancient history.
-New day, new way.
-Me too. I'm eating a TV dinner.
-So, what's up?
-I just, you know....
I wanted to tell you that...
...what you did was a pretty
standup thing and...
...if you take that detective exam,
I'm there for you.
Whatever questions, I'll be around.
-I'd make a great detective?
-You'd make an okay detective.
-Let me get that on my machine.
-I'm hanging up.
No. Quick question.
Could you make me a pair of those
shitty-ass mugs that you make?
-You gotta be kidding.
-Relax. I'm just joking, man.
No, something on the show.
-So you are watching the show.
-Yeah.
-Me too. What did you see?
-Charlie Hertz, works for ballistics.
-That guy outside Lazy Boy's.
-Yeah, but I gotta see it again.
Don't worry, I'm recording it.
I record them all.
-Why am I not surprised?
-Let me rewind this thing.
-It is Charlie Hertz.
-It is?
-It's definitely him.
-What's he doing with Vargas?
Where are the lights?
We definitely found our gunmaker.
This is definitely his workshop.
Look at all this shit.
What happened to the days
when people just grew pot?
How about we star- his last call?
King Rental Trucks,
may I help you?
This is Detective Mitch Preston--
You mean the Mitch Preston?
The one on Showtime?
-That's me.
-Oh, my God!
Calm down, we just need some
information about a truck.
-Did you rent one to a Charles Hertz?
-I'll just check, honey.
Mr. Hertz picked one up this morning.
-Was there a tracking device on it?
-Yes, Mitch, there was.
Is Trey with you?
Can I speak to him?
Sure, here.
-Trey? This Trey?
-Yeah.
I love you, baby!
Say, "showtime. "
It's showtime!
This bitch is crazy.
Okay, all right. Bye-bye.
See how popular I am?
All right, thanks.
We got a hit on the truck
at the Bonaventure.
-What's going on?
-Gun show.
Nice guns.
Come on back.
It's okay.
-Thanks for the call.
-Find that footage?
Here are the printouts.
Good luck.
You went out on a limb.
I want to help. Plus I need
an ending for the finale.
Excuse me.
Hello, gun lovers.
My name is Chase Renzi
from the hit series Showtime.
That's sweet. Very sweet, very sweet.
I'm here because we need your help.
We believe these two men
are in the building.
They are armed
and extremely dangerous.
What the hell?
There they are!
Vargas!
Don't move.
Oh, shit!
Mitch!
Guys, wait up!
-Roger that.
-Ghost Bonaventure Hotel.
Why don't I go up and
make a nice list of demands?
I can help you here.
-Get in!
-Just take it easy, all right? Easy!
Vargas? There's no way out.
I've got a list of demands.
Let us in and tell us what they are.
All right. But first, slide your
weapons in here.
-What did you say?
-I don't know. What?
Slide your weapons in here.
-What?
-What'd you say?
You don't understand English?
Slide in your weapons.
Slide the weapons.
It's okay. I got a backup.
Hold on. I gotta change the tape.
-You thinking what I'm thinking?
-Yeah, I am.
-What are you doing?
-Shut up.
Mitch, no.
-Did you hear me?
-Hold on.
Don't do that. Man!
I've got demands.
See those news choppers out there?
We're hooked in live.
We have a cameraman out here so
you can tell the world what you want.
Okay. Throw in your weapons.
Here they come.
Ready?
There are the guns.
-Stay there.
-Easy.
-Stay there.
-Okay. Just take it easy.
-Where's the cameraman?
-He's afraid.
We don't want to put him in danger,
so he'll do the shooting.
I'll do it.
You ever been on TV before?
It's very simple.
Look at the red light.
Tell the people what's on your mind.
You got him all lined up?
Yeah. Let's shoot.
Okay. All right.
It's showtime.
You okay?
Mitch?
-Trey! Where are you?
-Over here!
-What are you doing?
-Hold on!
Oh, God!
Now it's your turn to smile
for the cameras.
-Get that camera out of here!
-Keep that camera where it is!
Annie, you deal with it, girl.
What's going on
with your new recruits?
I'm tired of your voice.
You're on my last nerve.
-They're not bonding.
-They don't have our chemistry.
Which is why you ought
to guest star in the next episode.
-Not in a million years.
-That's a yes.
I know, and believe me,
I'm working on him.
See you at Mitch.
Look at what you get. What do I get?
Nothing. I'm going to work.
I made you something.
For passing the detective exam.
That is nice of you to do that.
Mitch, that's nice.
What is that?
-What is it? It's a loose change dish.
-Of course it's a loose change dish.
I haven't seen this level of
craftsmanship since kindergarten.
It's appreciated, partner.
-Detectives, your suspect's waiting.
-Be right with you.
"Detective Sellars."
It has a nice ring to it.
Come on, Top Cop, it's showtime.
Hi. I'm Detective Mitch Preston.
No!
I'm sorry, I can't....
Book 'em, Danno.
You're under arrest!
You under arrest, mother****er!
I'm sorry.
This Preston character
needs to come to life.
He doesn't have any balls.
Well, he has balls.
They gotta come out.
Bada-bing, bada-boom balls.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
Who said that?
I know you know, Mitch.
You're gonna see this--
Get that camera out of here!
Could you come a little closer?
I'm sorry, I did the wrong thing.
Wrap me up in caution tape,
wrap me up in caution tape, Cop Top?
-You don't think we're--
-Say that in Ebonic!
I'm tired.
-Who are you?
-I'm Annie.
You need a daddy?
Yes or no?
"Oh, Bill." That's what I get now.
It used to be "Oh, yeah,"
now it's "Oh, Bill."
It's showtime!
It's showtime.
Get that camera out of here!