Voila! Finally, the Sleeper
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Woody Allen movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Sleeper. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
[ Door Opens, Closes ]
EVERYTHING'S ON
FOR TONIGHT ?
YES.
I STILL THINK IT'S TOO SOON
TO BRING HIM UP.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE.
AGON THINKS THEY'RE ONTO US.
I PROGRAMMED THE C.L.C.
FOR TWO HOURS TONIGHT.
THERE'S NO TELLING
WHEN HE'LL BE AVAILABLE AGAIN.
WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE HIM...
IF HE COMES UP SUCCESSFULLY,
OTHERWISE, WE SHOULD BE PREPARED
TO DISPOSE OF HIM THE USUAL WAY.
PLEASE STATE REGISTRATION CODE.
CHECK.
WHERE WAS THE SUBJECT FOUND ?
WE CAME ACROSS IT THE LAST DAY
OF OUR FIELD TRIP INTO THE WOODS
A WEEK AGO.
THE CAPSULE
WAS PERFECTLY INTACT.
IS THERE A DATE ON THE CAPSULE ?
OH, YES. THE SUBJECT
WAS FROZEN IN
WHICH MEANS HE'S BEEN UNDER
FOR YEARS.
[ Machines Beeping ]
- BLOOD PRESSURE.
- OVER .
- ENCEPHALO-ACTIVITY ?
- JUST UNDER NORMAL.
GENERAL LIFE FUNCTIONS...
ACCEPTABLE.
HE SHOULD BE COMING
OUT OF IT ANY MOMENT.
DO WE HAVE ANY INFORMATION
ON HIM ?
JUST THE USUAL DATA CARD
INSIDE THE CAPSULE AND
THE PERSONAL ARTIFACTS HERE.
HMM. THE SUBJECT
WAS YEARS OLD AT TIME
OF INITIAL CRYOGENIC EMERGENT.
HIS NAME... MILES MONROE.
UNDER OCCUPATION IT SAYS
HE WAS PART OWNER...
OF THE HAPPY CARROT HEALTH FOOD
RESTAURANT ON BLEECKER STREET,
WHEREVER THAT WAS.
ALSO A CLARINET PLAYER
WITH SOMETHING CALLED
THE RAGTIME RASCALS.
WAS HIS EMERGENT VOLUNTARY ?
HMM. ACCORDING TO THIS,
"SUBJECT ENTERED HOSPITAL
FOR ROUTINE EXPLORATION
OF MINOR PEPTIC ULCER...
AND COMPLICATIONS SET IN."
THE PATIENT NEVER
REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS.
HE WAS ADMITTED FOR CRYOGENIC
EMERGENT BY HIS COUSIN,
A MRS. JOAN NEEDLEBAUM.
THE PHYSICAL DAMAGE
WAS REPAIRED.
YEAH. TOTALLY. ROUTINE.
WE'RE GETTING AN INITIAL
MOTOR RESPONSE OVER HERE.
THIS IS THE CRITICAL STAGE NOW.
IF HIS CONSCIOUSNESS ISN'T
HANDLED CAREFULLY,
THERE COULD BE DAMAGING TRAUMA.
REMEMBER, WE'RE DEALING
WITH AN INVOLUNTARY SUBJECT
WHO EXPECTS TO BE WAKING UP...
IN ST. VINCENT'S HOSPITAL
IN GREENWICH VILLAGE IN .
SWALLOW REFLEX IS ALMOST THERE.
[ Mutters ]
WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM OUT
OF HERE.
HE'S NOT READY.
WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM AMBULATORY
WHETHER HE'S READY OR NOT.
[ Grunts ]
CAREFUL, CAREFUL.
CAREFUL !
[ Chattering ]
NOW, JUST KEEP HIM
ON HIS FEET.
WE'VE GOT TO DISPOSE
OF THIS CAPSULE.
WHEN HE'S READY,
GET HIM TO THE FARM.
WE'LL MEET THERE TONIGHT.
YES.
THERE WE GO !
NOW, LET'S TRY TO TAKE A STEP.
LIKE THIS. ONE.
UP IT COMES. TAKE A STEP.
LOOK AT ME. UP, DOWN.
THAT'S IT.
THERE YOU ARE.
GOOD.
VERY GOOD, MR. MONROE !
GOOD, GOOD.
UP, DOWN.
NO, HE'S GOT IT IN REVERSE.
OH, YOU'RE GOING
THE WRONG WAY.
MR. MONROE !
NO, THE OTHER WAY !
THERE WE GO.
WHOA !
[ Alarm Sounding ]
SECURITY IS COMING !
OH, MR. MONROE !
PLEASE, MR. MONROE, WAKE UP !
WE'VE GOT TO GET HIM DRESSED
QUICKLY. OKAY, STAND.
RIGHT THERE. STAND, STAND.
STAY THERE.
THAT WAY. THAT'S IT.
[ Alarm Continues ]
[ Door Closes ]
[ Gulps ]
AH, MR. MONROE.
HERE WE ARE.
OH !
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, DOCTOR.
IS EVERYTHING OKAY ?
UH, YES. WE OUGHT TO BE
THROUGH HERE SHORTLY.
[ Alarm Stops ]
HUH.
THAT'S FUNNY.
WE'RE GETTING A MISREAD
ON THE POWER FUNCTION.
REALLY ? WELL,
I'LL ORDER A CHECK FIRST THING
IN THE MORNING.
ANY REASON WHY ANYONE ELSE
WOULD BE CONSUMING POWER ?
NO, IT'S JUST DR. ORVA,
DR. MONROE AND MYSELF.
WE DEFINITELY DID REGISTER
A POWER INCREASE HERE.
UH, DON'T MIND DR. MONROE.
HE, HE, HE-- OH.
HE'S NOT OVER THE EFFECTS
OF A NEW RAY WE'VE BEEN
EXPERIMENTING WITH.
UH, WHAT'S THIS ?
OH, THAT. UH--
I THINK YOU TWO
BETTER COME ALONG WITH US.
BUT WHY ?
WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING.
I THINK I CAN EXPLAIN.
YOU'VE HEARD
OF THE VENUS PROJECT,
HAVEN'T YOU ?
YES.
WELL--
UH, WE HAD TO COME IN HERE
THIS EVENING TO FINISH
SOME VERY IMPORTANT WORK.
NOW WHEN WE ASKED FOR CLEARANCE,
WE WERE GIVEN NO REASON
TO BELIEVE THAT WE COULDN'T--
DO YOU HAVE AUTHORIZATION ?
YES, WE HAVE CLEARANCE.
WE CAME THROUGH CHANNELS
FULLY A WEEK AGO.
[ Woman ]
DON'T YOU BELIEVE--
DR. MONROE. GENTLEMEN.
THIS REALLY IS GETTING--
GENTLEMEN, HE'S CONVULSING.
IT COULD BE DANGEROUS.
PLEASE, PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE SO
THAT WE CAN COMPLETE OUR WORK.
DO WE HAVE--
HE'S GOING TO GET DIZZY NOW.
THIS IS GOING TO BE WORSE.
WE'RE IN TOTAL AGREEMENT.
CAN'T YOU SEE
WHAT A DIFFICULT--
I THINK THE EXPERIMENT
IS GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF HAND.
IF WE HADN'T HAD
THIS INTERRUPTION, WE'D HAVE HAD
IT UNDER CONTROL SOME TIME AGO.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU HAVE AUTHORIZATION
FOR YOUR EXPERIMENT ?
WELL, HE'S FULLY RECOVERED,
EXCEPT FOR A FEW
MINOR KINKS.
HAS HE ASKED
FOR ANYTHING SPECIAL ?
YES, THIS MORNING
FOR BREAKFAST.
HE REQUESTED SOMETHING
CALLED WHEAT GERM,
ORGANIC HONEY
AND TIGER'S MILK.
[ Laughs ]
OH, YES. THOSE WERE
THE CHARMED SUBSTANCES...
THAT SOME YEARS AGO
WERE FELT TO CONTAIN
LIFE-PRESERVING PROPERTIES.
YOU MEAN
THERE WAS NO DEEP FAT ?
NO STEAK OR CREAM PIES
OR HOT FUDGE ?
THOSE WERE THOUGHT
TO BE UNHEALTHY,
PRECISELY THE OPPOSITE
OF WHAT WE NOW KNOW TO BE TRUE.
INCREDIBLE. WELL,
HE WANTS TO KNOW
WHERE HE IS...
AND WHAT'S GOING ON.
I THINK IT'S TIME
TO TELL HIM.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS !
MY DOCTOR SAID I'D BE UP
AND ON MY FEET IN FIVE DAYS.
HE WAS OFF BY YEARS.
I KNOW IT'S HARD, MILES, BUT
TRY TO THINK OF THIS EXPERIENCE
AS A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE.
A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE
IS GOING TO THE HOSPITAL
FOR A MINOR OPERATION,
I COME OUT THE NEXT DAY,
MY RENT ISN'T MONTHS
OVERDUE.
THAT'S A MIRACLE OF SCIENCE.
THIS IS WHAT I CALL
A COSMIC SCREWING.
AND THEN WHERE AM I ANYHOW ?
WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERYBODY ?
WHERE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS ?
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT
EVERYONE YOU KNEW IN THE PAST
HAS BEEN DEAD NEARLY YEARS.
BUT THEY ALL ATE ORGANIC RICE.
YOU ARE NOW
IN THE YEAR .
NOW THIS IS
THE CENTRAL PARALLEL
OF THE AMERICAN FEDERATION.
THIS DISTRICT IS WHAT
YOU'D PROBABLY CALL THE
SOUTHWESTERN UNITED STATES.
THAT WAS BEFORE
IT WAS DESTROYED
BY THE WAR.
- WAR ?
- YES. ACCORDING TO HISTORY,
OVER YEARS AGO,
A MAN NAMED ALBERT SHANKER
GOT A HOLD OF A NUCLEAR WARHEAD.
YOU WILL REMAIN IN HIDING HERE
FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE WE RUN
A BATTERY OF TESTS ON YOU.
THEN, WHEN WE THINK YOU'VE
FULLY RECOVERED YOUR STRENGTH,
WE'LL DISCUSS THE PLAN--
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "HIDING" ?
WHO AM I HIDING FROM ?
WHAT DID SHE MEAN, "HIDING" ?
WELL, YOU MIGHT AS WELL KNOW,
MILES,
THAT REVIVING YOU AS WE DID
WAS IN STRICT OPPOSITION
TO GOVERNMENT POLICY.
WHAT WE'VE DONE
IS HIGHLY ILLEGAL, MILES,
AND IF WE GET CAUGHT, WE'LL
BE DESTROYED, ALONG WITH YOU.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "DESTROYED" ?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "DESTROYED" ?
YOUR BRAIN WILL BE
ELECTRONICALLY SIMPLIFIED.
MY BRAIN ?
THAT'S MY SECOND FAVORITE ORGAN.
RESISTERS TO MIND REPROGRAMMING
WILL BE EXTERMINATED,
FOR THE GOOD OF THE STATE.
WHAT KIND OF GOVERNMENT
YOU GUYS GOT HERE ?
THIS IS WORSE THAN CALIFORNIA.
THERE IS A GROWING UNDERGROUND,
MILES.
AND SOME DAY THE REVOLUTION
WILL COME WHEN WE CAN
OVERTHROW OUR GREAT LEADER.
LOOK, YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING.
I WANNA GO BACK TO SLEEP.
IF I DON'T GET
AT LEAST YEARS,
I'M GROUCHY ALL DAY.
WE'RE TAKING HIM ALONG TOO FAST.
HE'S STILL EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I GO INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR A LOUSY ULCER OPERATION.
I LAY IN A BIRD'S-EYE WRAPPER
YEARS, I WAKE UP,
SUDDENLY I'M ON
THE TEN MOST WANTED LIST.
HE'S RANTING.
WE'D BETTER TRANQUILIZE HIM.
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE. I PARKED
RIGHT NEAR THE HOSPITAL.
HERE. YOU SMOKE THIS, AND
BE SURE YOU GET THE SMOKE
DEEP DOWN INTO YOUR LUNGS.
I DON'T SMOKE.
IT'S TOBACCO.
IT'S ONE OF THE HEALTHIEST
THINGS FOR YOUR BODY.
NOW GO AHEAD.
YOU NEED ALL THE STRENGTH
YOU CAN GET.
YOU KNOW, I BOUGHT POLAROID
AT SEVEN. IT'S PROBABLY UP
MILLIONS BY NOW.
NOW WE HAVE
CERTAIN ARTIFACTS HERE...
WHICH WE DATE FROM TO .
WE'D LIKE ANY INFORMATION
YOU CAN GIVE US ON THEM.
VERY LITTLE EXISTS.
FOR INSTANCE.
UH, THIS WAS JOSEPH STALIN.
HE WAS A COMMUNIST.
I WAS NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT HIM.
HE HAD A BAD MOUSTACHE,
A LOT OF BAD HABITS.
THIS IS BELA LUGOSI.
HE WAS THE MAYOR OF
NEW YORK CITY FOR A WHILE.
YOU CAN SEE
WHAT IT DID TO HIM THERE.
THIS IS, UH--
THIS IS, UH--
UH, CHARLES DE GAULLE.
HE WAS A VERY FAMOUS
FRENCH CHEF.
HAD HIS OWN TV SHOW.
SHOWED YOU HOW TO MAKE SOUFFLES
AND OMELETS AND EVERYTHING.
THIS IS, UH, SCOTT FITZGERALD
OVER HERE.
A VERY ROMANTIC WRITER.
BIG WITH ENGLISH MAJORS,
COLLEGE GIRLS,
YOU KNOW, NYMPHOMANIACS.
UH, VERY WELL KNOWN.
THIS IS CHIANG KAI-SHEK, WHO I
WAS NOT TOO CRAZY ABOUT EITHER.
THIS IS BILLY GRAHAM-- VERY BIG
IN THE RELIGION BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW ?
HE KNEW GOD PERSONALLY.
THEY GOT HIM
HIS COMPLETE WARDROBE.
THEY USED TO GO OUT
ON DOUBLE DATES TOGETHER.
HE WAS VERY BIG.
THEY WERE ROMANTICALLY
LINKED FOR A WHILE.
THIS IS SOME GIRLS
BURNING A BRASSIERE.
YOU NOTICE
IT'S A VERY SMALL FIRE.
UM, THIS--
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
THAT'S A PHOTOGRAPH
OF NORMAN MAILER.
HE WAS A VERY GREAT WRITER.
HE DONATED HIS EGO
TO THE HARVARD MEDICAL SCHOOL
FOR STUDY.
AND THIS, UH--
THIS I CAN TELL YOU--
THIS IS A CENTERFOLD
FROM A MAGAZINE WE USED
TO CALLPLAYBOY.
WHICH, UM--
THESE GIRLS DIDN'T EXIST
IN ACTUAL LIFE, YOU KNOW ?
THEY WERE RUBBERIZED.
YOU HAD TO BLOW THEM UP.
AND THEN YOU'D FASTEN IT.
AND YOU COULD SPREAD OINTMENT ON
THEM OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT YOU--
I'LL JUST TAKE THIS AND,
YOU KNOW, STUDY IT LATER AND
GIVE YOU A FULL REPORT ON IT.
UH, AND, UM,
WOULD YOU TELL ME EXACTLY
WHAT THIS IS ?
[ Chattering ]
THIS. THIS IS--
YOU SEE, THIS IS-- THIS IS
THE CHATTERING TEETH.
AND THIS YOU WOULD BUY
AT A STORE,
AND YOU'D TAKE IT TO A PARTY
IF YOU WANTED TO GET BIG LAUGHS.
AND YOU'D PUT IT DOWN
ON A COFFEE TABLE
OR SOMETHING, YOU KNOW ?
AND YOU'D SET IT OFF.
AND THEN, UH--
YOU SEE HOW FUNNY IT IS ?
THE TEETH CHATTER.
THEY'RE PLASTIC.
[ Fakes Laughter ]
[ Chattering Continues ]
I AM GOING, AT THIS TIME,
TO GIVE TO THIS TV
AND RADIO AUDIENCE--
SOME OF US HAVE A THEORY
THAT HE MIGHT ONCE HAVE BEEN A
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
BUT THAT HE DID SOMETHING
HORRENDOUS...
SO THAT ALL RECORDS, EVERYTHING
WAS WIPED OUT ABOUT HIM.
THERE IS NOTHING IN HISTORY
BOOKS. THERE ARE NO PICTURES
ON STAMPS OR MONEY.
YES, HE ACTUALLY WAS
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
BUT WHENEVER HE USED
TO LEAVE THE WHITE HOUSE,
THE SECRET SERVICE
USED TO COUNT THE SILVERWARE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, JIMMY.
FROM THE BEGINNING,
MUHAMMAD ALI'S CAREER...
WAS MARKED BY CONTROVERSY,
AND WHO KNOWS ?
IT MAY HAVE ENDED LAST SATURDAY
IN THE VERY SAME WAY.
FROM THE BEGINNING--
AT FIRST WE DIDN'T KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT THIS WAS,
BUT WE'VE DEVELOPED
A THEORY.
WE FEEL THAT WHEN CITIZENS
IN YOUR SOCIETY WERE GUILTY
OF A CRIME AGAINST THE STATE,
THEY WERE FORCED
TO WATCH THIS.
REMEMBER THE WAY IT BEGAN ?
MARCH OF .
THAT'S WHERE IT REALLY BEGAN.
YES, THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT THAT WAS.
WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE ?
MM, THIS STUFF
TASTES AWFUL.
I COULD HAVE MADE
A FORTUNE SELLING IT
IN MY HEALTH FOOD STORE.
JANIS, SOME MORE
FOR MR. MONROE.
CERTAINLY, SIR.
ARE YOU THIRSTY, MR. MONROE ?
ME ? NO. NO, THANK YOU.
OF COURSE.
THESE ROBOTS ARE UNCANNY.
THEY'RE ONE OF OUR BIGGEST
INDUSTRIES HERE.
INFINITELY MORE SOPHISTICATED
THAN ANY PREVIOUSLY MANUFACTURED
LABOR-SAVING DEVICES.
THEY'RE PLASTIC.
YEAH, I KNOW. BUT THEY'RE
ALERT AND THEY RESPOND.
YOU KNOW,
I'VE GONE OUT WITH GIRLS
WHO HAD LESS MOVEMENT THAN THAT.
WATCH THIS.
JANIS, COME HERE.
YES, DR. ORVA.
MAY I BE OF SERVICE TO YOU ?
TELL US ABOUT YOURSELF.
MY NAME IS JANIS .
I'M A DOMESTIC SERVICE MENIAL
OF THE SERIES.
I CAN COOK, CLEAN.
I AM A BUTLER, A GARDENER
AND CHAUFFEUR.
I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED
TO RESPOND TO A COMPLEX SERIES
OF DOMESTIC COMMANDS.
CLEAR THE TABLE
AND LEAVE THE ROOM.
WE'D LIKE TO BE ALONE.
COME ON, MILES.
ARE THERE FEMALE ROBOTS ?
'CAUSE THE POSSIBILITIES
ARE LIMITLESS, YOU KNOW.
IT'S GETTING LATE.
WE'VE GOT TO GET YOU
OUT OF HERE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"OUT OF HERE" ?
WHERE AM I GOING ?
WE'RE GOING TO TAKE YOU
TO THE WESTERN DISTRICT.
THE UNDERGROUND MOVEMENT
HAS ITS HEADQUARTERS THERE.
MILES, HAVE YOU EVER TAKEN
A SERIOUS POLITICAL STAND
ON ANYTHING ?
YEAH, SURE.
FOR HOURS ONCE
I REFUSED TO EAT GRAPES.
MILES, THERE'S SOMETHING
CALLED THE AIRES PROJECT.
WE WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS.
WHY ?
BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S
A SECRET PLOT...
THE LEADER HAS TO DESTROY
THE REVOLUTIONARY MOVEMENT.
AND HOW DO I FIT IN ?
MILES,
WE DEFROSTED YOUR CAPSULE
BECAUSE WE NEEDED SOMEONE
WITH NO IDENTITY.
EVERYONE HERE
HAS A CITIZEN'S RECORD.
WE'VE ALL BEEN COMPUTERIZED,
CATALOGUED,
FINGERPRINTED,
PHOTOGRAPHED, VOICE-PRINTED.
BUT YOU HAVE NO NUMBER.
YOU CAN BE USED
TO PENETRATE.
AND IF YOU'RE CAPTURED,
YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.
WHY, THEY COULD
TORTURE YOU FOR MONTHS.
WHAT COULD YOU TELL THEM ?
ONLY MY NAME, RANK,
SERIAL NUMBER AND YOUR NAME.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US.
YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M NOT THE HEROIC TYPE.
REALLY. I WAS BEATEN UP
BY QUAKERS.
MILES, YOU'RE OUR CHANCE.
NO, I'M SORRY.
I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU OUT,
BUT I NEVER GET INVOLVED
IN ANYTHING WHERE I COULD BE
TORTURED.
I'M A SCREAMER.
THAT'S MY PROBLEM. IT'S
EMBARRASSING IN THE MORNING.
I WAKE UP SHRIEKING
AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.
EXCUSE ME, SIR.
THE SECURITY POLICE ARE HERE,
AND THEY'RE SURROUNDING
THE HOUSE.
WHEN WILL YOU BE WANTING LUNCH ?
- GO TO THE WESTERN DISTRICT !
- FIND THE AIRES PROJECT !
YOU CAN DO IT !
OUT THAT WAY, MILES !
[ Babbling ]
FLY, GODDAMN IT, FLY !
GODDAMN CHEAP JAPANESE
FLYING PACKS !
[ Shouting ]
NO ! NO ! NO !
[ Engine Revving ]
[ Box Clicks ]
[ Box Clicks ]
THEY STILL HAVEN'T LOCATED
THE ALIEN. WE'D LIKE TO CHECK
THE BACK OF YOUR VAN.
[ Door Closes ]
ALL RIGHT. COME ON. LET'S GO.
MOVE IT. OUT. LET'S GO.
I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY.
COME ON, COME ON.
THERE'S YOUR NEW HOME.
[ Woman ]
OH, NO.
TSK. IS THIS THE BEST
THEY COULD OFFER ?
OH, GEEZ. I'D HOPED
FOR SOMETHING WITH AT LEAST
DECENT FEATURES. TSK !
OH, WELL, I GUESS
I'LL BRING YOU IN NEXT WEEK
AND HAVE YOUR HEAD REMOVED.
OKAY. COME ON. COME ON.
[ Sighs ]
WHAT'S YOUR NAME ?
MI-MILO.
[ TV Announcer ]
THE ALIEN IS STILL AT LARGE.
PERSONS OBSERVING ANY UNUSUAL
ACTIVITY OR BEHAVIOR...
SHOULD DO THEMSELVES
AND OUR LEADER A FAVOR...
BY REPORTING IT
TO THE POLICE IMMEDIATELY.
[ Sighs ]
ALL RIGHT, MILO. LISTEN. I'M
EXPECTING COMPANY ANY MINUTE.
YOU'LL HELP WITH THE DRINKS
AND SERVE. I'M SURE SOME
OF THEM WILL BE HUNGRY.
THE KITCHEN
IS ON A SINGLE CIRCUIT SYSTEM.
I THINK I'M GOING TO PUT
SOME ROSE OIL ON MY FINGERTIPS.
CHECK THE MUSIC CHANNEL
AND REGULATE THE AROMATROM.
AND MAKE SURE THERE'S PLENTY
OF FOOD FOR ALL THE PEOPLE.
ALL RIGHT.
[ Humming ]
[ Bubbling ]
[ Doorbell Ringing ]
[ Bubbling Continues ]
I THINK THE WAY IT WAS FIRST
EXPLAINED TO ME--
DO IT THAT WAY.
WELL, WHICH ONE ?
THERE WERE SO MANY.
THAT VERY FUNNY STORY.
[ Chattering Continues ]
HI, EVERYONE !
LONG TIME NO SEE !
LONG TIME NO SEE.
COME RIGHT ON IN.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
[ Chattering Continues ]
COME ON. HURRY UP.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ?
IT'S GORGEOUS.
HI. HOW ARE YOU ?
HOW ARE YOU, DARLING ?
YOU LOOK GREAT.
[ Man ]
LUNA.
THANK YOU.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Door Beeps ]
HERALD, IT'S WONDERFUL.
OH, YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE, REALLY.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU'D LIKE IT.
OH, IT'S KEANE.
IT'S PURE KEANE. NO.
NO, IT'S GREATER THAN KEANE.
IT'S CUGAT.
[ Bubbling Continues ]
[ Chattering, Laughing ]
IT WAS WHITE ON WHITE.
AND YOU KNOW WHERE
SHE GOT IT.
NO. YOU'RE KIDDING.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW WHO PAID FOR--
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Man ]
FANTASTIC !
MAGNIFICENT.
OH, LET'S GO TELL HER
ABOUT WHAT--
HERE IT IS !
LET ME GET THAT FOR YOU.
YES, THANK YOU, DEAR.
THE ORB.
UM, COULD I GET A HIT
OFF OF THAT ORB, MILO ?
UH--
[ Laughing ]
[ Guests Laughing ]
MILO ! MILO !
[ Laughing, Chattering
Continue ]
JUST--
OH. OH.
MMM.
[ Both Laughing ]
OH ! AH.
[ Shouts, Laughs ]
NOW, MILO !
LET'S ALL GO FOR A SWIM !
[ Man ]
WHERE'S THE POOL ?
[ Shouts ]
RUN, RUN, RUN, RUN !
[ Remote Clicks ]
???? [ Upbeat Classical ]
[ Gasps ]
OH, THAT WAS WONDERFUL, HER !
I FEEL SO REFRESHED !
I THINK WE SHOULD HAVE HAD SEX,
BUT THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH PEOPLE.
WE'LL USE THE ORGASMATRON.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
COME ON.
[ Chattering, Indistinct ]
[ Both Moaning ]
[ Both Sighing ]
OH, I HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME.
ALL IN ALL, I THOUGHT
THE PARTY CAME OFF QUITE WELL.
CERTAINLY AS GOOD AS LAST
NIGHT'S OR THE NIGHT BEFORE.
MAYBE NOT QUITE AS GOOD
AS LAST SATURDAY'S, BUT
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, HERALD ?
I LOVE A PARTY WITH A THEME.
SAY, THERE'S SOMETHING
ON YOUR MIND, ISN'T THERE ?
THEY ARRESTED
DALTON PORTER TODAY.
[ Gasps ]
WHY ?
HE WAS WITH THE UNDERGROUND.
NO.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
THEY TRIED TO REPROGRAM
HIS MIND AND SOMETHING
WENT WRONG.
HE'S A VEGETABLE.
MM, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT THIS, HERALD.
I SAW IT HAPPEN.
HE WAS BABBLING.
MM-MMM.
HE CLAIMED
HE SAW SECRET EXPERIMENTS
AT THE LEXITRON HOSPITAL.
SOMETHING CALLED AIRES.
I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT, HERALD.
THIS WORLD IS SO FULL
OF WONDERFUL THINGS.
WHAT MAKES PEOPLE
SUDDENLY GO BERSERK
AND HATE EVERYTHING ANYWAY ?
WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE
AN UNDERGROUND ?
AFTER ALL, THERE'S THE ORB,
THE TELESCREEN, THE ORGASMATRON.
WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT ?
IT'S HARD FOR US TO UNDERSTAND
THE CRIMINAL ELEMENT.
WE'RE ARTISTS.
WE RESPOND ONLY...
TO BEAUTY.
OH, YES. I KNOW.
HERALD, UM,
I WROTE A NEW POEM TODAY.
YOU DIDN'T.
YES, I DID.
[ Laughs ]
A LITTLE BOY CAUGHT A BUTTERFLY
AND SAID TO HIMSELF,
"I MUST TRY TO UNDERSTAND
MY LIFE AND HELP OTHERS.
"NOT JUST MOTHERS AND FATHERS,
"BUT FRIENDS,
STRANGERS TOO,
WITH EYES OF BLUE AND LIPS
FULL RED AND ROUND."
BUT THE BUTTERFLY
DIDN'T MAKE A SOUND...
FOR HE HAD TURNED
INTO A CATERPILLAR,
BY AND BY.
IT'S DEEP.
YOU'RE SO OBVIOUSLY
INFLUENCED BY MCKUEN.
OH, OH, HER,
DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT ?
ONLY ONE THING.
UM, THEY CHANGE
FROM CATERPILLARS
INTOBUTTERFLIES.
NOT THE OTHER WAY.
THEY DO ?
THEY DO ?
DAMN IT !
DAMN IT ! DAMN IT !
I ALWAYS GET THAT WRONG !
GODDAMN ! OH, SHOOT !
RELAX, RELAX.
I'LL GET YOU SOME CHOCOLATE.
OH, NO. NOW
THE WHOLE EVENING'S SPOILED !
NO !
SPOILED ! AND I'M GETTING
A HEADACHE ANYWAY !
SHOOT, I HATE TO BE WRONG !
LUNA, NOW, NOW.
NO !
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
LUNA, SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.
SORRY.
[ Crying ]
IT WILL BE ALL RIGHT.
I PROMISE. NOW JUST RELAX.
I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN.
???? [ Choir ]
COME ON.
THAT'S BETTER.
[ TV Announcer ]
AND NOW CHANNEL LEAVES
THE AIR UNTIL TOMORROW MORNING.
OUR LEADER WISHES YOU ALL
A PLEASANT GOOD NIGHT.
- CAN I HELP YOU ?
- WOULD YOU CHANGE HIS HEAD
FOR ME, PLEASE ?
- SOMETHING
A LITTLE MORE AESTHETIC.
- RIGHT.
AND CHECK HIS WORKS.
HE ACTS PECULIAR.
YOU GOT ROOM IN THERE
FOR ANOTHER HEAD CHANGE ?
YEAH, SURE.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE BACK IN A LITTLE WHILE.
LET'S GO.
YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU
THE TRUTH.
I'M NOT A PUPPET.
MY NAME IS MILES MONROE.
I WAS FROZEN IN
AND SOME DOCTORS
THAWED ME OUT.
EVERYBODY'S AFTER ME,
BUT I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING !
I'M A NICE PERSON.
I HAVE HEALTHY LIFE DRIVES
AND GOOD GOALS !
I DON'T DRINK. I DON'T SMOKE.
I WOULD NEVER FORCE MYSELF
SEXUALLY ON A BLIND PERSON.
YOU'RE THE ALIEN.
YES. YOU'RE LIVING IN A POLICE
STATE. YOUR GOVERNMENT IS EVIL.
WE HAVE TO FIND OUT
WHAT THE AIRES PROJECT IS.
GOD, YOU ARE. YOU'RE THE ALIEN.
YOU WON'T GIVE ME AWAY,
WILL YOU ? YOU'RE NICE.
OH !
[ Screaming ]
NO !
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU.
ARE YOU HUNGRY ?
DO YOU WANT A CRACKER, MAYBE ?
TAKE A CRACKER.
HOW CAN YOU NOT BE HUNGRY ?
WE'VE BEEN SITTING HERE
FOR HOURS.
THIS WAS ALL YOU HAD
IN THE CAR, WERE THESE
INTERSTELLAR SPACE COOKIES.
EAT SOMETHING.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER.
JUST TAKE A CRACKER.
[ Screams ]
WILL YOU SHUT UP ?
FOR GOD'S SAKES,
PUT YOURSELF IN MY POSITION.
I'M A CLARINET PLAYER
IN .
I GO INTO THE HOSPITAL
FOR A LOUSY OPERATION,
I WAKE UP YEARS LATER
AND I'M FLASH GORDON.
PLUS I'M A CRIMINAL.
I NEVER DID ANYTHING WRONG
IN MY LIFE.
I RAN A HEALTH FOOD STORE
IN GREENWICH VILLAGE.
OCCASIONALLY, A CUSTOMER
WOULD GET BOTULISM.
BUT THAT WAS VERY RARE.
NOW YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.
YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW.
I'M GONNA TAKE THAT GAG OFF
YOUR MOUTH, AND IF YOU'RE GONNA
SCREAM, SCREAM.
'CAUSE THERE'S NOBODY FOR MILES.
NOBODY'S GONNA HEAR YOU.
SO SCREAM.
- [ Screaming ]
- GO AHEAD. SCREAM.
I LOVE IT.
HELP ! HELP !
SCREAM.
ALIEN ! ALIEN !
HELP !
HELP ME ! HELP !
[ Screaming Continues ]
IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP, I'M GONNA
TAKE THIS ROCK AND BRING IT DOWN
ON YOUR HEAD SO HARD...
THAT A SUBSTANCE RESEMBLING
GUACAMOLE IS GONNA COME OUT
OF YOUR EARS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH ME ?
I WANT YOU TO HELP ME
REACH THE UNDERGROUND.
I'M NOT HELPING ANY ALIEN.
WE DON'T WANT YOUR CRAZY IDEAS !
SO JUST GO BACK
TO GREENBERG'S VILLAGE.
GREENWICH VILLAGE,
NOT GREENBERG'S VILLAGE !
AND THAT WAS YEARS AGO.
I CAN'T GO BACK.
YOU'RE SICK ! YOU'RE SICK !
YOU HAVE TO GIVE YOURSELF UP !
THEY WON'T HURT YOU.
THEY'LL RESTRUCTURE YOUR BRAIN.
NOBODY TOUCHES MY BRAIN.
THEY MAY DROP IT.
THEN I WOULD TALK
LIKE MR. LAPIDUS WHO GOT HIT
BY LIGHTNING.
PLEASE ! I WANNA GO HOME !
I'M GETTING A HEADACHE.
I'M HUNGRY ! I HAVEN'T
HAD A STRESS PILL ! I HAVEN'T
HAD A BATH IN SEVEN HOURS !
I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M NOT ACCUSTOMED TO THIS !
I NEED MY ORB !
I WANT TO RELAX !
LOOK AT ME ! LOOK AT ME !
I'M SHAKING !
YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE GREAT
TO TAKE ON A CAMPING TRIP.
I ORDER YOU
TO TAKE ME HOME !
THEY'LL BE OUT LOOKING FOR ME.
YOU'VE ABDUCTED A VERY
IMPORTANT PERSON.
I AM A RENOWNED POET.
I SELL TO POEMS A WEEK
PLUS GREETING CARDS.
HOW FAR
IS THE WESTERN DISTRICT ?
IT'D TAKE DAYS,
AND THAT'S WITH A VEHICLE.
WELL, TAKE ME THERE,
AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.
I PROMISE.
I'M HUNGRY !
I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.
OBVIOUSLY,
I'LL PROMISE YOU ANYTHING.
IF I GET YOU SOME FOOD,
WILL YOU TAKE ME
TO THE WESTERN DISTRICT ?
YOU SIT HERE. I'LL GO FIND
US SOMETHING, AND DON'T TRY
ANYTHING FUNNY WHILE I'M GONE.
- 'CAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'LL GET.
- WHAT ?
WHAT ?
W-W-WHAT WILL YOU GET ?
UH, A...
LARGE AND PAINFUL HICKEY.
MY GOD.
I BEAT A MAN INSENSIBLE
WITH A STRAWBERRY.
THAT'S A BIG CHICKEN.
WHAT A WAY TO GO--
TO BE PECKED TO DEATH.
[ Miles Crunching ]
MMM. MMM.
PASS THE CELERY.
OH !
[ Grunts ]
HERE YOU GO. OH !
COULDN'T YOU GET
ANYTHING ELSE ?
YOU THINK IT'S EASY TO RUN
WHEN YOU'RE HOLDING A BANANA
THE SIZE OF A CANOE ?
YOU DIDN'T GET ANY DESSERT.
THERE'S NO SEASONING.
THERE'S NO WINE.
[ Sighs ]
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
THE SIZE OF THESE VEGETABLES.
I'D HATE TO SEE WHAT THEY USED
FOR FERTILIZER.
[ Moaning ]
- WHAT WAS THAT ?
- WHAT ?
THAT NOISE.
DIDN'T YOU HEAR ANYTHING ?
ARE THERE ANY STRANGE ANIMALS
THAT I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT HERE ?
ANYTHING WEIRD AND FUTURISTIC,
LIKE WITH THE BODY OF A CRAB AND
THE HEAD OF A SOCIAL WORKER ?
HOW DO YOU KNOW I WON'T TRICK
YOU AND TURN YOU INTO THE HANDS
OF THE POLICE ?
HOW DO I KNOW ?
'CAUSE I THINK, WHAT THE HELL.
I THINK MAYBE
YOU TRUST ME A LITTLE NOW.
MAYBE YOU THINK I GOT YOU FOOD,
AND I'M NOT REALLY
SUCH A BAD GUY.
OH !
[ Screams ]
OKAY, NOW WE'RE GONNA GET
A VEHICLE.
AND DON'T TRY ANYTHING FUNNY
OR YOU'LL BE SORRY. COME ON.
OH, OUR CAR BROKE DOWN.
IS IT POSSIBLE WE COULD
BORROW ONE ?
[ Man ]
OH, SURE. COME ON IN.
ARE YOU OKAY ?
JUST FINE.
MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS.
JUST LOOK AT YOURSELF.
YOU'RE SUCH A MESS !
SO DISHEVELED.
I MIGHT HAVE SOME CLOTHES
YOU COULD JUST JUMP RIGHT INTO.
UM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
COME THIS WAY.
MY CAR RAN OUT OF--
WHAT, HONEY ?
OH.
WE HAVE TO BORROW A CAR.
WHAT ARE YOU
MUMBLING ABOUT ?
COULD I USE YOUR BATHROOM ?
YES, YES, OF COURSE.
COME ON IN AND SIT DOWN.
COME ON IN HERE AND
YOU JUST SIT RIGHT DOWN HERE,
YOU LITTLE CUTIE.
HELLO, POLICE ?
LISTEN. I CAN'T SPEAK.
I'M WITH THE ALIEN.
WE'RE HEADING WEST
ON THE CHANNEL.
UM, WE SHOULD BE
AT THE EASTERN PARALLEL
IN ABOUT A HALF AN HOUR.
DETAIN HIM SOMEHOW.
WE'LL BE RIGHT OUT.
OKAY, I'LL TRY.
I'LL TRY, BUT I'M NOT
GONNA PROMISE ANYTHING.
OKAY ?
WE'RE ON OUR WAY.
WOULD YOU LIKE A STROKE ?
ME ? NO, THANKS.
I'M COOL.
UH, EXCUSE ME. DO YOU HAVE
A SPACE HYDROVAC SUIT ?
WELL, OF COURSE. WHY ?
ARE YOU GOING ON
THE SPACE SHUTTLE ?
UH. OH, YES. YES, I AM.
YES, AND HE FORGOT HIS.
REAGEN, BRING OUT
MY HYDROVAC SUIT
RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
HERE'S YOUR SILLY OLD
HYDROVAC SUIT.
JESUS, I COULD HARDLY FIND IT.
IT'S SUCH A MESS
IN THAT BEDROOM.
WHAT THE HELL AM I GONNA DO
WITH A HYDROVAC SUIT ?
IF YOU DON'T WANT THE POLICE
TO RECOGNIZE YOU, YOU GOTTA
TAKE OFF THAT ROBOT UNIFORM.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IS
A HYDROVAC SUIT ?
IT'S FOR SPACE TRAVEL.
USE IT AS A DISGUISE.
[ Miles ]
I SEE YOU'RE STARTING TO THINK
A LITTLE BIT NOW.
WHY ARE WE STOPPING
BY THE RIVER ?
I DON'T KNOW.
I THINK THAT WE'RE LOST.
JEEZ. HEY, LOOK !
WHAT ?
[ Air Hissing ]
OVER THERE !
NO, OVER THERE !
SHOULD WE TAKE HER IN
OR GET RID OF HER HERE ?
ME ? BUT I'M NOT THE ONE
THAT YOU WANT !
TAKE HER IN !
WE'LL HAVE HER REPROGRAMMED !
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?
YOU'VE BEEN CONTAMINATED
BY OVEREXPOSURE TO THE ALIEN.
WHAT ?
AN UNHEALTHY PERIOD OF TIME
IN THE PRESENCE OF THE ALIEN.
BUT I'M THE ONE
WHO TURNED HIM IN !
- LET'S GET RID OF HER NOW.
- OH ! OH !
- BE ONE LESS REPROGRAMMING JOB.
- SHE'LL BE FINE
AFTER THE BRAIN TREATMENT.
HELP !
ORDERS WERE FOR US
TO USE OUR DISCRETION.
I SAY DESTROY HER.
[ Screaming ]
COME ON !
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SWIM FOR IT.
I CAN'T SWIM !
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
I MEAN, I CAN'T SWIM !
BUT I CAN'T SWIM EITHER.
GET ON TOP OF ME.
OH !
COME ON.
GET ON TOP OF ME.
I DON'T WANT TO GET WET !
[ Crying ]
HURRY UP.
-[ Miles ] PADDLE !
- I'M PADDLING !
DON'T WORRY.
I WAS A LIFEGUARD
AT BLOOMINGDALE.
HOW COULD YOU ?
I HATE YOU ! I HATE YOU !
TRY NOT TO GET UPSET.
THEY WANT TO DESTROY ME !
ME !
LEAN STRAIGHTER !
LEAN LEFT ! LEFT !
LEAN LEFT !
STRAIGHTER !
WHAT IS IT ?
IT'S A -YEAR-OLD VOLKSWAGEN.
[ Sighs ]
GEE.
[ Engine Starts ]
WOW, THEY REALLY BUILT
THESE THINGS, DIDN'T THEY ?
"REGIS-- REGISTER COMMIES,
NOT GUNS."
WHAT'S THAT MEAN ?
WHAT ?
"REGISTER COMMIES,
NOT GUNS."
OH, HE WAS PROBABLY A MEMBER OF
THE NATIONAL RIFLE ASSOCIATION.
THERE WAS A GROUP THAT
HELPED CRIMINALS GET GUNS
SO THEY COULD SHOOT CITIZENS.
IT WAS A PUBLIC SERVICE.
I WANNA SEE THAT.
THIS IS ANEW YORK TIMES.
BE CAREFUL. FROM .
"POPE'S WIFE GIVES BIRTH
TO TWINS." WOW.
WE DON'T HAVE CITIES
LIKE NEW YORK ANYMORE.
REALLY ? NO CITIES AT ALL ?
NO, BUT I WENT TO THE UNIVERSITY
AT A POPULATION CENTER.
YOU WENT TO A UNIVERSITY ?
THAT'S HARD TO BELIEVE.
FOR WHAT ?
COSMETICS,
SEXUAL TECHNIQUE AND POETRY.
NO KIDDIN' ?
THEY TEACH YOU SEXUAL TECHNIQUE
IN SCHOOL ?
YOU HAVE TO KNOW IT
IN CASE SOMETHING GOES WRONG
WITH THE MACHINE.
WHAT DO YOU DO,
SWITCH TO MANUAL ?
TSK.
WHERE DID YOU LEARN
ABOUT SEX ?
ME ? FROM MY MOTHER.
WHEN I WAS A KID,
I ASKED HER WHERE
DO BABIES COME FROM.
AND SHE THOUGHT
I SAID "RABIES."
SHE SAID FROM A DOG BITE.
AND A WEEK LATER A LADY
ON THE BLOCK GAVE BIRTH
TO TRIPLETS.
I THOUGHT SHE WAS BITTEN
BY A GREAT DANE.
[ Laughs ]
THAT'S PERFECT.
WE'LL DUMP IT IN THE WATER.
THEY'LL NEVER FIND IT.
WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE
TO BE DEAD FOR YEARS ?
IT'S LIKE SPENDING A WEEKEND
IN BEVERLY HILLS.
HEY, DON'T BOTHER TO HELP.
IT'S A LIGHT CAR.
WERE YOU SCARED ?
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD ?
DO I BELIEVE IN GOD ?
[ Panting ] I'M WHAT
YOU CALL A TELE-OLOGICAL
EXISTENTIAL ATHEIST.
I BELIEVE THAT THERE'S AN
INTELLIGENCE TO THE UNIVERSE...
WITH THE EXCEPTION
OF CERTAIN PARTS OF NEW JERSEY.
WHY IS IT I NEVER UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING ?
WHY ? DO YOU BELIEVE
IN GOD ?
WELL, I BELIEVE THAT
THERE'S SOMEBODY OUT THERE
WHO WATCHES OVER US.
UNFORTUNATELY,
IT'S THE GOVERNMENT.
MILES. MILES,
DID YOU EVER REALIZE...
THAT "GOD" SPELLED BACKWARDS
IS "DOG" ?
- YEAH. SO ?
- MAKES YOU THINK.
YEAH. YOU WANNA
PUSH THE CAR, PLEASE ?
COME, COME PUSH THE CAR,
WILL YA ?
READY ?
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO !
NICE WORK.
JUST MY LUCK. IT LANDED
ON THE BACK OF A TURTLE.
[ Miles ]
HEY, THIS IS WHERE
THEY FIRST BROUGHT ME.
IT LOOKS DESERTED.
OH, WE REALLY
HAVE GONE WRONG.
[ Luna ]
HEY. HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
YEAH, I WONDER
WHO THEIR DECORATOR IS.
SHH !
I HEARD SOMETHING.
WHAT'S THE MATTER ?
IT'S NOTHING.
IT'S PROBABLY FUTURISTIC MICE.
MILES, I'M SCARED.
THERE'S NOTHING TO BE
SCARED OF. YOU'RE WITH ME.
[ Objects Clattering ]
[ Gasps ]
I DID THAT.
[ Continues
Gasping ]
FOR GOD SAKES,
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
YOU NEED A DRINK.
COME ON. A DRINK.
WHO ARE YOU ?
ME ?
GET OFF MY CHANNEL.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?
WHO IS
THAT GUY ?
SEE, I COULDN'T MAKE ENOUGH
MONEY, UH, PLAYING JAZZ,
SO I HAD TO OPEN UP
THE HEALTH FOOD PLACE.
[ Luna ]
WEREN'T YOU ANY GOOD ?
YEAH, I WAS ALL RIGHT.
BUT I ALWAYS
FELT THAT IN ORDER
TO REALLY PLAY JAZZ,
YOU HAD TO BE BLACK.
I'M JUST A MULATTO.
YOU ?
YEAH. YOU KNEW THAT
ABOUT ME, DIDN'T YOU ?
NO.
YEAH, I AM.
COME ON.
YOU'RE JOKING.
NO, I WOULDN'T KID
ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
MY FATHER WAS BLACK
AND MY MOTHER WAS WHITE
AND VICE VERSA.
OH, COME ON, MILES.
YOU ARE JOKING.
YEAH, I'M ALWAYS JOKING.
YOU KNOW THAT.
IT'S A DEFENSE MECHANISM.
DO YOU WANT
TO PERFORM SEX WITH ME ?
PERFORM SEX ?
I-I-I DON'T THINK
I'M UP TO A PERFORMANCE.
BUT I'LL REHEARSE WITH YOU
IF YOU LIKE.
OKAY.
I JUST THOUGHT
YOU MIGHT WANNA.
THEY HAVE A MACHINE HERE.
MACHINE ? I'M NOT GETTING
INTO THAT THING.
I'M STRICTLY A HAND OPERATOR.
I DON'T LIKE ANYTHING
WITH MOVING PARTS
THAT ARE NOT MY OWN.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT YOU HAVEN'T HAD
SEX FOR YEARS.
TWO HUNDRED AND FOUR
IF YOU COUNT MY MARRIAGE.
WHAT DID
YOUR WIFE DO ?
SHE WAS A HIT MAN
FOR THE MAFIA.
WAS--
WAS SHE BEAUTIFUL ?
YEAH, SHE WAS GREAT.
YOU KNOW, BLONDE HAIR,
YOU KNOW ?
GREAT UPTURNED NOSE.
YOU KNOW, IT WAS
REALLY DYNAMITE.
TWO BLUE EYES.
ONE ON EITHER SIDE,
OF COURSE.
I LIKED THE ARRANGEMENT.
THAT'S WHY I MARRIED HER.
SEE, YOU ARE.
YOU'RE TEASING ME AGAIN.
OH, NO.
YES.
YOU THINK I'M STUPID.
NO. HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ?
I THINK THAT YOU'RE
BRIGHT AND SENSITIVE AND--
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL.
YEAH, WELL THEN
HOW COME YOU'RE
NOT ATTRACTED TO ME ?
MEN GO CRAZY
OVER ME.
I'M GREAT PHYSICALLY.
I GOT A PHD IN ORAL SEX.
DID THEY MAKE YOU TAKE
ANY SPANISH WITH THAT ?
WHAT ?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
I WAS AN ENGLISH MAJOR MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, CHAUCER, POPE.
I MINORED IN FOREPLAY.
IT'S A TWO-CREDIT COURSE
AT N.Y.U.
MILES ! YOU'RE NOT
TAKING ME SERIOUSLY.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY
WHEN YOU SAY, "DO YOU WANT
TO PERFORM SEX WITH ME ?"
I-- IT'S SO COLD.
I NEED TO BE WARMED UP
AND SENT FLOWERS, ROMANCED.
SEX IS DIFFERENT
TODAY, YOU SEE ?
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY PROBLEMS.
EVERYBODY'S FRIGID.
OH, THAT'S--
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
ARE THE MEN IMPOTENT ?
YEAH, YEAH,
MOST OF THEM.
EXCEPT FOR THE ONES
WHOSE ANCESTORS
ARE ITALIAN.
RIGHT. I KNEW THERE WAS
SOMETHING IN THAT PASTA.
YOU WANNA GET
IN THE MACHINE NOW ?
OH, YOU KNOW,
WE DON'T NEED THAT.
YOU KNOW, REALLY, I--
REALLY, I THINK IT'D BE
GREAT IF WE DID, MILES,
AND I WOULDN'T BE FRIGID.
YOU WON'T BE FRIGID WITH ME.
I-- BELIEVE ME.
NOBODY EVER IS.
I GOT THE MAGIC FINGERS.
YOU'RE GONNA BE-- I SWEAR.
I'VE CURED MORE WOMEN
OF FRIGIDITY.
THAT'S MY SPECIALTY.
OH.
TWO MINUTES IN BED WITH ME,
AND YOU'LL SELL THAT THING
FOR SCRAP IRON.
REALLY. I GOT
A LOT OF FAST MOVES.
REALLY. THE ONLY THING
IS I HAVE A LITTLE ASTHMA.
SO IF YOU HEAR SOME WHEEZING
WHILE WE'RE DOING IT,
YOU KNOW IT'S ME.
BUT, YOU KNOW, JUST GIVE ME
A DECENT BURIAL AND--
THIS IS THE POLICE ! WE HAVE
THE PREMISES SURROUNDED !
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP !
LISTEN, HIDE IN THIS ROOM.
I'M GONNA LEAD THEM AWAY.
FIND YOUR WAY
TO THE WESTERN DISTRICT,
CONTACT THE UNDERGROUND.
AND FIND OUT WHAT
THE AIRES PROJECT IS.
WILL YOU REMEMBER THAT NAME ?
YES, THE JUPITER PROJECT.
THE AIRES PROJECT.
THE AIRES PROJECT.
BUT WHAT ABOUT YOU ?
DON'T WORRY
ABOUT ME, HONEY.
I'M LIKE A CAT.
I'LL ALWAYS WIND UP
ON MY FEET.
OH. OH. OH.
MR. MONROE ? I'M DR. NERO,
YOUR ORIENTATION ADVISOR.
I'M HERE TO SUPERVISE
THE INITIAL PHASE OF YOUR
ASSIMILATION INTO SOCIETY,
THE SOCIETY
THAT WILL TAKE CARE
OF YOUR NEEDS AND DESIRES...
MORE EFFICIENTLY
THAN ANY YOU MIGHT
HAVE THOUGHT POSSIBLE.
NOW, YOU GET A GOOD REST
AND NEXT WEEK YOU'LL
BEGIN A NEW LIFE.
SUBJECT PREPARED
FOR A TOTAL BRAINWASH.
WE'VE PROGRAMMED
THE C.H.C. FOR
'S REFERENCE DATA.
PROCEED AT LEVEL D.
PROGRAMMING CODE OMEGA.
ALL SYSTEMS PROCEEDING.
ACTIVATE SUBJECT.
OUR MISS AMERICA CONTEST
IS DOWN TO THE FIVE FINALISTS.
MISS ALABAMA,
MISS FLORIDA,
MISS CALIFORNIA,
MISS HAWAII,
AND MISS MONTANA.
NOW, IN ORDER TO TEST
THE CONTESTANTS'
PERSONALITIES,
WE'RE GOING TO ASK
EACH A QUESTION.
MISS MONTANA, IF YOU COULD
DO ANYTHING FOR MANKIND,
WHAT WOULD IT BE ?
HE'S NOT RESPONDING.
GO UP HALF A CYCLE.
[ In Woman's Voice ] I WOULD
USE MY TITLE TO BRING PEACE
TO ALL NATIONS OF THE WORLD,
BE IT BLACK, BE THEY WHITE,
BE IT COLORED, BE IT WHATEVER.
AND NOW FOR THAT MOMENT
YOU'VE BEEN WAITING FOR--
FIRST WE'RE GOING
TO GIVE YOU MISS PERSONALITY
AND MISS CONGENIAL.
MISS FLORIDA
AND MISS HAWAII !
AND THE SECOND
RUNNER-UP IS...
MISS CALIFORNIA !
FINALLY,
THE FIRST RUNNER-UP, WHO
WILL TAKE OVER FIRST PLACE...
IF THE WINNER IS UNABLE
TO FULFILL THE DUTIES
AND OBLIGATIONS...
THAT GO WITH WINNING.
THE FIRST RUNNER-UP,
MISS ALABAMA !
WHICH MEANS THAT
THE WINNER IS MISS MONTANA !
ANYBODY HERE ?
I HAVE A NEW CITIZEN
TO BE OUTFITTED.
WHETHER YOU WANT JACKETS,
WE GOT JACKETS.
YOU WANT TROUSERS,
WE GOT TROUSERS.
THIS IS A GOOD TIME, BELIEVE ME.
WE'RE HAVING A BIG SALE.
TREMENDOUS.
POSITIVELY
THE LOWEST PRICES.
MAYBE YOU NEED
A NICE DOUBLE-KNIT.
INCIDENTAL, I'M STUCK
WITH THREE PIECES CORDUROY.
[ Nero ]
UH, SOMETHING SIMPLE.
WE GOT SIMPLE, COMPLICATED.
- WHY DO YOU WORRY ?
- WHO PUT AWAY
THAT SHIPMENT DOWNSTAIRS ?
WHY DO YOU BOTHER ME ?
I GOT A CUSTOMER.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING ?
THAT WAS ALL VELVET.
SO IT'S VELVET.
LEAVE ME ALONE.
I GOT A CUSTOMER.
- WHY DO YOU NEED
SO MUCH VELVET ?
- WHAT ?
WHERE DO WE COME
TO VELVET ?
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
UH, I'M IN A LITTLE BIT
OF A RUSH HERE,
IF IT'S OKAY.
TALK TO ME NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
MISTAKES ARE COSTIN' US ?
DROP DEAD.
YOU WANNA
DROP DEAD ?
OKAY, STEP AGAINST
THE SCREEN.
[ Machine Whirring ]
- THIS IS TERRIBLE.
- OKAY, OKAY,
WE'LL TAKE IT IN.
[ Nero ]
FOR THE FIRST YEAR, YOU'LL
WORK AT THE FUNCTION COMPLEX.
IT'S A REQUIRED SERVICE
OF ALL CITIZENS.
THIS IS WHERE
YOU'LL BE LIVING.
IT'S A GIFT FROM OUR LEADER.
ISN'T THIS PRETTY ?
I THINK YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA LIKE IT HERE.
THAT'S YOUR
ORIENTATION PAMPHLET.
IT HAS THE NAMES
OF ALL YOUR NEW FRIENDS.
NOW, THERE WILL BE
CONVERSATION AND DISCUSSION
ASSEMBLIES TWICE A WEEK.
AND AFTER
YOU'VE MOVED INTO
YOUR OWN PERMANENT HOME,
YOU'LL ENJOY
MECHANIZED SERVANTS.
UNTIL THEN, YOU CAN HAVE
A COMPUTERIZED DOG.
- RAGS !
- WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
IS HE HOUSEBROKEN OR WILL HE
BE LEAVING LITTLE BATTERIES
ALL OVER THE FLOOR ?
DON'T YELL. WE'RE
WITH THE UNDERGROUND.
- [ Beep ]
- UM, ONCE THIS WEEK,
I QUESTIONED
MY SUPERVISOR.
AND, UH, I MISSED
A COUPLE OF MINUTES OF OUR
LEADER'S SPEECH ON TELEVISION.
AND, UM, YOU KNOW
THAT BLONDE GIRL RAINER
WHO WORKS IN MY OFFICE WITH ME--
SHE'S GOT--
WITH THE LONG BLONDE HAIR
AND THE GREAT TOMATOES ?
UM, WELL, WE'VE BEEN SNEAKING
INTO THE SLIDE PROJECTION ROOM
ON OUR LUNCH HOUR...
AND MAKING LOVE TOGETHER.
AND I KNOW
IF THEY CATCH US,
IT'S AGAINST THE RULES.
BUT, UH, I-I CAN'T HELP IT.
BECAUSE, UM-- UH, AND I
HOPE THAT YOU FORGIVE ME.
[ Making Cash Machine
Sounds ]
[ Luna ]
HELLO, MILES.
- WHO ARE YOU ?
- WHO AM I ? I'M LUNA.
- WHO ?
- LUNA.
DON'T YOU REMEMBER ?
WE WERE OUTLAWS, ALIENS.
THE POLICE CAPTURED YOU.
I ESCAPED.
I'M WITH
THE UNDERGROUND.
REMEMBER ?
THE WESTERN DISTRICT ?
MILES, I'M LUNA.
LUNA, REMEMBER ?
LUNA.
YOUR NAME
IS NOT LUNA, IS IT ?
THINK BACK, MILES.
?
THE HAPPY CARROT
HEALTH FOOD STORE ?
THE RAGTIME RASCALS ?
- YOU'RE THE ALIEN.
- THAT'S RIGHT, MILES.
I'VE COME FOR YOU.
HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE ?
DON'T COME NEAR ME.
RAGS ! RAGS !
MILES.
GET IN HERE.
WOOF, WOOF.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WE'RE NOT GONNA
HURT YOU.
- COME ON, FELLA. GET HER.
GO FOR HER THROAT, RAGS.
- HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
WE'RE NOT GOING
TO HURT YOU.
WE'RE GOING
TO REPROGRAM YOUR MIND.
WE'RE GOING TO FREE IT.
RAGS, GET HER.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
GO AHEAD. GODDAMN DOG.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
[ Whistles ]
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WOOF, WOOF.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
HELLO. I'M RAGS.
WOOF, WOOF, WOOF, WOOF.
WE HAVE
A GOOD FILE ON HIM.
WE'LL INDUCE
A HYPNOTIC STATE...
AND FORCE HIM
TO REEXPERIENCE SOME OF
THE MAJOR TRAUMAS OF HIS LIFE.
HOPEFULLY,
THIS WILL SHATTER
HIS RECENT PERSONALITY...
AND ALLOW THE OLD ONE
TO EMERGE AGAIN.
[ Moans ]
MY ORB. MY ORB.
YOU DON'T NEED THAT
ANYMORE, MILES.
NOW, LISTEN TO ME, MILES.
IT'S THE YEAR .
IT'S TIME FOR
THAT SUNDAY DINNER
AT YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.
YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE ?
IN BROOKLYN ?
ON K AVENUE.
[ Miles Gasping,
Panting ]
[ Imitating Miles' Mother ]
NU, WHAT ARE YOU
STANDING THERE ?
COME IN.
YOUR FOOD IS GETTING COLD.
- [ Imitating Miles' Father ]
LET'S EAT.
- MILES, TAKE SOME PEAS.
SOON THE PASSOVER HOLIDAYS
ARE COMING, AND YOU'LL BE
WANTING TO WEAR YOUR MATZOS.
NO, I GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU.
ARLENE AND I HAVE
TO GET A DIVORCE.
SHE THINKS I'M A PERVERT
BECAUSE I DRANK
OUR WATER BED.
[ Speaking Yiddish ]
[ Erno Speaking Yiddish ]
WHAT WILL
THEMGOYIMSAY ?
NO, NO !
STOP WHINING
AND EAT YOUR SHIKSA.
[ Groaning ]
[ With Southern Accent ]
OH, NO. NO, PLEASE,
DON'T LET IN THE LIGHT.
OH, COVER
THOSE LIGHTS, PLEASE.
PLEASE, DON'T GET UP.
I WAS JUST PASSING THROUGH.
OH !
ERNO.
OH !
ERNO, WHAT'S HAPPENING ?
SOMETHING'S
GONE WRONG
WITH THE TREATMENT.
HIS BRAIN IS LOCKED
SOMEWHERE ELSE. HE BELIEVES
HE'S ANOTHER PERSON.
NO, NO. I NEED--
MILES. MILES.
WHO ARE YOU, MILES ?
I'M BLANCHE.
BLANCHE DUBOIS.
IT MEANS "WHITE WOODS."
HE'S LIKE A SLEEPWALKER.
WE CAN'T UPSET HIM
OR IT COULD BE FATAL.
- WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ?
- WELL, YOU'VE READ
STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.
JUST PLAY ALONG WITH HIM.
HE NEEDS ANOTHER INJECTION.
PHYSICAL BEAUTY IS PASSING.
A TRANSITORY POSSESSION.
BUT BEAUTY OF THE MIND
AND RICHNESS OF THE SPIRIT
AND TENDERNESS OF THE HEART,
AND I HAVE
ALL THOSE THINGS.
AREN'T TAKEN AWAY
BUT-- BUT GROW,
INCREASE WITH THE YEARS.
STRANGE THAT
I SHOULD BE CALLED
A DESTITUTE WOMAN...
WHEN I HAVE
ALL THESE RICHES
LOCKED IN MY HEART.
[ As Marlon Brando ]
I BEEN ONTO YOU
FROM THE START.
I SEEN HOW YOU TRY
TO SPRINKLE THIS PLACE UP...
WITH THEM POWDERS AND THOSE
FANCY FRENCH COLOGNES.
WELL, I SAY, HA !
YOU HEAR ME ?
HA ! HA !
I-- I-- I THINK--
I-- YEAH.
WHY-- WHY, YOU'RE
NOT THE GENTLEMAN
THAT I WAS EXPECTING.
WHAT'S GOING ON ?
WHOEVER YOU ARE,
I'VE ALWAYS DEPENDED ON
THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.
HOW YOU FEELIN',
MILES ?
OH, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.
YOU-- YOU WERE SCREAMING OUT
DIFFERENT NAMES IN YOUR SLEEP.
I WAS HAVING
SEXUAL NIGHTMARES.
WHO ARE THE A&P GYPSIES ?
OH, YOU LOOK SO DIFFERENT.
I FEEL DIFFERENT, MILES.
I'VE SPENT THE PAST SIX MONTHS
LIVING LIKE A WILD ANIMAL.
REALLY ?
THAT'S RIGHT, MILES.
ALL OF US.
ALL OF US IN THE UNDERGROUND,
WE ALL LIVE DAY TO DAY ON OUR
CUNNING AND OUR INSTINCT.
WE'RE ALL A PACK
OF WILD ANIMALS.
[ Man ]
LUNCH, LUNA.
WHILE YOU WERE BEING A PAWN
IN A CAPITALISTIC SOCIETY,
- ERNO'S BEEN TEACHING ME
THE BEAUTY OF KARL MARX.
- WHO'S BEEN TEACHING YOU ?
ERNO. OH, MILES,
YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST MEET HIM.
HE'S WONDERFUL.
SOMEDAY IN A FEW MONTHS
HE'S GOING TO LEAD
THE REVOLUTION...
AND START A MARXIST REGIME.
GOVERNMENT BY THE WORKERS
AND THE DOWNTRODDEN MASSES.
YOU REMIND ME
OF LISA SORENSON.
WHO ?
AN OLD GIRLFRIEND OF MINE
FROM THE VILLAGE.
A TROTSKYITE WHO
BECAME A JESUS FREAK...
AND WHO WAS ARRESTED
FOR SELLING PORNOGRAPHIC
CONNECT-THE-DOTS BOOKS.
MILES, I WROTE A SONG
ABOUT THE REVOLUTION.
THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANY REVOLUTION UNLESS
WE STOP THE AIRES PROJECT.
DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.
YOU JUST RELAX. NOW, LISTEN.
?? REBELS ARE WE ??
?? BORN TO BE FREE ??
?? JUST LIKE THE FISH
IN THE SEA ????
OOH, I'M SORRY.
I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT YOU WERE KISSING.
OH, MILES, I WAS
JUST TELLING ERNO
ABOUT AIRES DAY.
HE HAS A PLAN,
MILES.
YOU TELL HIM, ERNO.
RIGHT, DARLING.
MILES, THIS IS
A ONE-CHANNEL RADIO.
WHA-WHAT, DARLING ?
NOW, THIS-- THIS
IS A PHONY THUMBPRINT.
IT'LL ALLOW HER
TO PASS THROUGH
THE SECURITY SCANNING DEVICE.
[ Luna ]
WE'RE GONNA STEAL OPERATING
GOWNS AND POSE AS DOCTORS.
AND THAT'S HOW
WE'RE GONNA GET INSIDE.
OKAY, TRY NOT
TO APPEAR NERVOUS.
SMILE. PEASANTS.
RELAX. YOU'RE
SHAKING LIKE A LEAF.
HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO SHAKE ?
EVERYTHING'S
GONNA BE FINE.
SO HOW COME YOU'RE SHAKING ?
'CAUSE YOU'RE--
YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS.
DON'T BLAME ME.
[ Nervous Chuckling ]
HELLO.
WOULD YOU GET
A GRIP ON YOURSELF ?
YOU'D PROBABLY FEEL
A LOT SAFER WITH
MR. WHITE-TEETH BACK THERE.
WHO ?
THE REBEL CHIEFTAIN
WITH THE WALL-TO-WALL
MUSCLES ON HIS CHEST.
YOU MEAN ERNO ?
ERNO. IT'S A GREAT NAME
IF YOU HAPPEN TO BE THE STAR
OF A VAMPIRE MOVIE.
HE'S BRILLIANT.
YEAH, I KNOW.
HE COULDN'T BE WITH US TODAY.
HE'S GOTTA GO TAKE
HIS HANDSOME LESSON.
OH, YOU'RE JEALOUS.
JEALOUS ? ARE YOU KIDDING ?
WITH A BODY LIKE MINE,
YOU DON'T GET JEALOUS.
CERTAINLY YOU DON'T
EXPECT ME TO TIE
MYSELF DOWN TO ONE MAN.
MY LOVE IS A FREE GIFT TO
ALL THE BOLSHEVIK BROTHERS.
DO WHAT YOU WANT.
YOU'RE OVER .
LITTLE TRAMP.
WE'RE HERE ON BUSINESS.
FREE LOVE.
I CREATED A BOHEMIAN MONSTER.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW
SHE'LL WANNA HAVE
GROUP SEX WITH THE ROBOTS.
WILL YOU SHUT UP ?
YOU'RE ATTRACTING ATTENTION.
GIVE HER A COUPLE
OF BOOKS TO READ,
AND RIGHT AWAY SHE'S
MISS PSEUDO-INTELLECTUAL,
NEO-FASCIST,
HEGELIAN, FREUDIAN MONSTER.
WE DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS
IF YOU'RE GONNA GET HYSTERICAL.
JUST GET YOUR PART RIGHT.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
IF IT GETS SCREWED UP,
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU.
"IF IT GETS SCREWED UP,
IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU."
OH, YOU'RE RETARDED.
I'M ON A MISSION
WITH A RETARDED MAN.
ALL RIGHT, JUST GET
YOUR PART RIGHT.
NO, YOU GET YOUR PART RIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE HELL I'M DOING HERE.
I'M YEARS OLD.
I SHOULD BE COLLECTING
SOCIAL SECURITY.
DO YOU REMEMBER
THE DIAGRAM ?
HERE'S THE FAST FORWARD.
THAT'S THE DUAL CONTROL.
THAT'S THE MANUAL.
THAT'S THE OVERHEAT.
THAT'S THE REWIND.
WE'VE BEEN OVER ALL THIS.
YES, I KNOW, BUT I WANNA
MAKE SURE YOU GOT IT.
I'M THE GUY THAT'S
GOING OUT THE WINDOW. IT'S
A LONG DROP TO THE PAVEMENT.
I'M LIABLE
TO BRUISE MY SMOCK.
ALL RIGHT, MILES,
DON'T WORRY. I GOT IT.
THIS IS THE MANUAL.
- NO, THAT'S THE REWIND.
- THEN THIS IS THE MANUAL.
NO, THAT'S THE DUAL CONTROL.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU HAD IT.
I DO.
I HAVE IT. I HAVE IT.
DO YOU LOVE ERNO ?
OH, MILES, I DON'T KNOW.
UH--
ALL RIGHT,
THE COAST IS CLEAR.
START LOWERING ME.
- THIS IS... MANUAL.
- NO, THAT'S FAST FORWARD !
OH ! OH, MILES.
OH ! OH, LOOK,
I-- I, UH--
I GOT SOME
OF THE TAPE AROUND.
FOR A MINUTE
I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T KNOW
HOW TO WORK THE MACHINE.
ERNO SAID TO TAKE
THE NORTH ESCALATOR.
I'M RUNNING THIS, NOT ERNO.
WE'RE GOING MY WAY.
IT'S ERNO'S PLAN.
HE KNOWS WHAT
HE'S TALKING ABOUT.
WHY ? 'CAUSE HE'S HANDSOME,
SO HE KNOWS EVERYTHING ?
HE'S GOT CAPPED TEETH.
DID YOU KNOW THAT
ABOUT ERNO ?
HE'S GOT CAPPED TEETH.
EVERY ONE. HE'S
GOT CAPPED GUMS.
ERNO IS AN ARCHITECT
AND A MATHEMATICIAN.
YEAH, BUT
CAN HE DO THIS ?
YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
FINE.
WE'RE GOING MY WAY.
OH, DR. TEMKIN,
THERE YOU ARE.
WILL YOU COME WITH US ?
THE MEETING IS THIS WAY.
DOCTOR.
WE'RE DOCTORS.
WE'RE TWO BIG DOCTORS.
WE'RE NOT IMPOSTORS.
DR. TEMKIN,
COULD WE PLEASE ?
BIG DOCTOR.
EYES, EAR, NOSE
AND THROAT.
PLEASE, MAY WE ?
MAY WE, DOCTOR, PLEASE ?
NICE WORK.
THAT'S A BAD BREAK. THEY
THINK WE'RE SOMEONE ELSE.
I KNOW. IF WE'D FOLLOWED
ERNO'S INSTRUCTIONS,
EVERYTHING'D BE OKAY.
I DON'T WANNA HEAR
ABOUT ERNO ANYMORE.
THAT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT MAKES ME S-STUTTER.
IT'S ALWAYS ERNO.
I'M TIRED OF HEARING
ABOUT HIM.
NO MORE ERNO.
SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP !
ALL RIGHT.
[ Man's Voice ]
GENTLEMEN, NONE OF YOU HAVE
EVER MET BEFORE...
FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
OF SECURITY.
BUT NOW
AIRES DAY IS HERE.
I REALIZE
THAT WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
WILL COME AS A GREAT SHOCK.
HOWEVER, I'M COUNTING ON YOU
TO RESPOND APPROPRIATELY.
TEN MONTHS AGO,
OUR LEADER SUFFERED
A HORRIBLE ACCIDENT...
WHEN A BOMB, PLANTED
IN HIS HOME BY MEMBERS
OF THE UNDERGROUND, EXPLODED.
NATURALLY,
IT WAS KEPT QUIET.
BUT SINCE THEN,
WE HAVE VIRTUALLY BEEN
A LEADERLESS SOCIETY.
UNFORTUNATELY,
PREPARATIONS FOR A SUCCESSOR...
HAVE NEVER BEEN
ADEQUATELY CLEAR.
IN SHORT, WE HAVE
BEEN IN THE THROES
OF A MAJOR CRISIS.
AS FOR OUR LEADER,
THE EMERGENCY DEPARTMENT
RUSHED TO THE SCENE
OF THE ACCIDENT IMMEDIATELY,
BUT ALL THAT REMAINED
OF HIM WAS THIS.
THIS IS OUR LEADER'S NOSE.
USING GREAT PRESENCE OF MIND,
WE RUSHED THE NOSE
TO OUR CLOSEST DELTA LABORATORY
WHICH IS HERE...
WHERE, THROUGH MASSIVE
BIOCHEMICAL EFFORT,
IT HAS BEEN KEPT ALIVE
FOR NEARLY A YEAR.
OUR DREAM HAS BEEN
THAT BY CLONING,
WE WOULD REDUPLICATE
THE ENTIRE LEADER AGAIN.
CLONING, FOR THOSE OF YOU
UNFAMILIAR WITH BIOLOGY,
IS A PROCESS BY WHICH
USING ONE SINGLE CELL,
A DUPLICATE OF THE PERSON
IT CAME FROM COULD BE FORMED.
TILL NOW WE'VE ONLY HAD
LIMITED EXPERIMENTAL SUCCESS.
BUT ALL EFFORTS
HAVE BEEN DIRECTED TO CLONING
OVER THE PAST TEN MONTHS.
AND NOW WE FEEL CONFIDENT
WE CAN REPRODUCE OUR LEADER...
IN PERFECT TACT
FROM HIS NOSE.
GENTLEMEN, WITH GOD'S HELP,
IN A COUPLE OF HOURS,
WE WILL HAVE
OUR LEADER BACK.
AND WE WILL THEN COORDINATE
AIRES PHASE TWO...
WHICH WILL EXTERMINATE
ALL DISSIDENT FACTIONS
ON SIGNAL...
FROM OUR REBORN LEADER.
MILES, IT'S A NOSE.
YES, I KNOW.
I WAS RIGHT HERE.
WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?
RADIO ERNO IMMEDIATELY.
NOW IS THE TIME TO STRIKE.
THE LEADER IS SUFFERING
FROM A TERRIFIC HANDICAP.
HE HAS NO HEAD OR BODY.
WE'RE NOT FULLY PREPARED.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
THEY'RE IN A STATE OF CHAOS.
IF WE STRIKE QUICK,
WE GOT 'EM.
OKAY, GIVE ME THE RADIO.
I DROPPED THE RADIO.
YOU DROPPED THE RADIO ?
IT FELL OUT OF MY POCKET
WHEN I WAS HANGING OUTSIDE.
FELL OUT OF YOUR POCKET--
WILL YOU STOP REPEATING
EVERYTHING I SAY ?
WILL YOU STOP REPEATING
EVERYTHING I SAY ?
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
WE GOTTA STOP 'EM.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY.
WE GOTTA STEAL THE NOSE.
HOW ?
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
I NEVER STOLE AN ORGAN BEFORE.
WAIT A MINUTE !
I GOT AN IDEA.
THE NOSE IS IN
THE OPERATING CHAMBER.
RIGHT.
WE GO TO THE FLOOR BELOW,
CUT A HOLE IN THE CEILING...
[ Repeating ]
BIG ENOUGH TO SLIDE THROUGH,
COME UP UNDER THE NOSE
AND HIDE IT UNDER MY COAT.
IT'S A STUPID PLAN.
THERE'S NO CHANCE.
WHAT'S WRONG ?
BECAUSE IT'S TOO SUBTLE.
WE HAVE NO TIME FOR THAT.
WE'RE DRESSED LIKE DOCTORS.
WE GO INTO THE OPERATING ROOM.
YOU CREATE A DIVERSION,
AND I'LL STEAL THE NOSE.
GREAT !
OOH.
MILES, I'M SCARED.
TAKE IT EASY, WILL YOU ?
YOU TOOK SOME SKIN THERE.
HERE.
WHAT IS THAT ?
A TABLE LIGHTER ?
YOU GAVE IT TO ME
FROM MELIK'S.
BEFORE THEY CAPTURED YOU.
WHERE HAVE YOU
BEEN HIDING IT ?
DON'T TELL ME.
OOH.
THE TRICK
IN THESE SITUATIONS
IS TO REMAIN COOL.
MILES, YOU'RE
BITING MY NAILS.
'CAUSE YOU'RE TENSE.
WE'RE HERE
TO SEE THE NOSE.
I HEARD IT WAS RUNNING.
DR. TEMKIN,
WE'RE READY ON THIS END.
YOU DON'T MIND IF SOME
OF OUR YOUNGER PEOPLE...
WHO ARE NOT INVOLVED
IN GENETIC PROGRAMMING
JUST OBSERVE ?
NO. NOT AT ALL.
I LIKE TO BE WATCHED
WHILE I CLONE.
THE MORE THE MERRIER.
I NEVER-- I NEVER--
NEVER CLONE ALONE.
[ Computer Voice ]
HELLO, DR. TEMKIN.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
I'M BIO-CENTRAL
COMPUTER SERIES G.
I'LL BE ASSISTING YOU
THROUGH THE ENTIRE PROCESS.
MAY I SAY, DOCTOR,
WE'RE ALL AWARE
OF YOUR REPUTATION...
AND WE LOOK FORWARD
TO A SUCCESSFUL AND
REWARDING CLONING PROCEDURE.
THIS IS MY-- MY ASSISTANT.
D-D-DR. SPOCK.
JANIS.
J-J-J-JANIS.
DR. SPOCK.
- DR. SPANIS.
- DR. SPANISH.
- DR. SNOT.
- DR. SLAVISH.
I BETTER HAVE A LOOK
AT THE PATIENT.
OH, WOW. IT'S IN
A LOT WORSE SHAPE
THAN I THOUGHT.
BETTER LAY OFF
ARMENIAN WOMEN.
YOU CAN SEE THE CODED
MEDICAL HISTORY
ON READOUT FOUR.
I BELIEVE THAT THIS
IS GOING TO BE A...
VERY DIFFICULT
CRONING JOB.
OH, YES. CLONING,
YOU IDIOT, NOT CRONING.
CLONING !
- WE'RE READY TO PROCEED.
- UH-- HMM.
AFTER LOOKING
AT THE NOSE,
I GET THE FEELING THAT
WHAT WE OUGHT TO DO PERHAPS
IS POSTPONE THE CLONING.
EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR,
BUT THAT WOULD BE
A TRAGIC MISTAKE.
SEE, I THINK WHAT
THE COMPUTER IS FAILING
TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT...
IS WHAT I CALL
THE PINOCCHIO FACTOR,
WHICH STATES
THAT THE SQUARE ROOT
OF THE PROBOSCIS...
IS EQUAL TO THE SUM
OF THE SINUSES...
OVER SEVEN.
WELL, WHAT IS
YOUR OPINION, DOCTOR ?
SHOULD WE PROCEED
WITH THE CLONING
OR SHOULD WE POSTPONE ?
AH, INDEED.
I, UH-- ONE MOMENT.
A MOMENT. A MEDICAL MOMENT.
YES. WELL, UH--
YES, I BELIEVE THAT
WE SHOULD GO AHEAD
WITH THE CLONING.
GO AHEAD WITH THE--
EXCUSE ME. I HAVE TO HAVE
A CONFERENCE WITH THE DOCTOR.
DOCTOR, FOR A SECOND
IF YOU'LL JUST
COME OVER HERE.
I JUST WANNA SPEAK
TO YOU ABOUT THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
GO AHEAD WITH THE CLONING ?
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO ?
I DON'T KNOW
HOW TO CLONE A NOSE.
YOU'RE CRAZY !
[ Both Arguing ]
[ Arguing Continues ]
DOCTOR,
PLEASE PROCEED.
[ Miles ]
STOP IT !
YOU STOP IT.
GET A GRIP ON YOURSELF.
OF COURSE I'M GLAD
YOU PUT IT TO ME
IN THAT FASHION.
AND NOW
IF YOU'LL LET ME HAVE
THE LOBSTER FORK, PLEASE.
WHAT YOU HAVE HERE--
I DIAGNOSED
THE ENTIRE SITUATION,
AND I THINK WHAT WE'VE GOT,
WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH
BASICALLY IS A NOSE.
I THINK WE'RE ALL
IN AGGREANCE ON THAT.
I HAVE THE LITTLE
BEGGAR RIGHT HERE.
AND WHAT YOU WANT BASICALLY
IS A WHOLE ENTIRE PERSON...
CONNECTED
TO THAT NOSE, RIGHT ?
OTHERWISE, YOU'D GET
YOUR MONEY BACK.
NOW, DID YOU WANT ME
TO LEAVE ROOM
FOR A MOUSTACHE,
'CAUSE THERE'S A NICE AREA
IN THERE WHICH IT'LL--
IT'S, UM-- WHAT--
IT'S CLEVER.
SHE'S CLEVER.
WHAT THE DOCTOR IS DOING HERE--
WE'RE PLACING DOWN THE GARMENTS,
'CAUSE WE'RE GONNA CLONE.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE AN ATTEMPT
TO CLONE THE PATIENT
DIRECTLY INTO HIS SUIT.
AND THAT WAY,
HE'LL BE COMPLETELY DRESSED
AT THE END OF THE OPERATION.
IT'S A FIRST IN CLONING,
AND THEN WE COULD ALL JUST
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.
WE DON'T HAVE TO HANG
AROUND THE CLOTHING ROOM
WHILE HE SUITS UP.
I THINK IT'S TIME TO CHECK
THE CELL STRUCTURE.
SUGGEST IT'S--
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE.
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE !
AH, CHECKING
THE CELL STRUCTURE.
CHECKING... THE CELL STRUCTURE.
[ Miles ]
THE STRUCTURE CELLS
TO BE CHECKED.
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE.
[ Whistles ]
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE.
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE.
CHECKING THE CELL STRUCTURE.
AND NOW THE CELL STRUCTURE
HAS BEEN CHECKED.
I THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND NOW I'LL JUST TAKE
MY MASK, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
AND I'LL STRAP IT ON
TO MY FACE.
AND IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME
FOR ONE SECOND...
WHILE I GIVE THE PATIENT
A QUICK NOSTRILECTOMY.
UH, THIS IS IT.
KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED.
SOMETHING'S GOING WRONG.
THERE'S BEEN A CURRENT BREAK
IN THE LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEM.
WHAT I THINK WE SHOULD DO--
[ Man ] WHAT'S THAT
YOU'VE GOT UNDER YOUR MASK ?
PARDON ME ?
UNDER MY MASK ?
NOTHING. WHY ?
IS-- DOES-- DOES
IT LOOK EXCESSIVELY BULBOUS ?
HE'S GOT THE NOSE.
HE'S GOT THE NOSE
UNDER HIS MASK.
HE'S GOT THE NOSE.
QUICK ! QUICKLY !
ALL RIGHT, NOBODY MOVE
OR I SHOOT YOUR PRESIDENT.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
WE'RE GETTING OUT OF HERE.
DON'T COME NEAR ME.
I'M WARNING YOU, OR HE
GETS IT RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.
HE'LL DO IT.
I'VE SEEN HIM SHOOT A NOSE.
PLEASE, PLEASE,
PLEASE BE CAREFUL.
YOU DON'T REALIZE
THAT YOU'VE BEEN DEALING...
WITH ONE OF THE GREATEST
MINDS YOU'VE EVER SEEN.
YEAH, AND HIS
ISN'T SO BAD EITHER.
YEAH.
DON'T COME NEAR US.
ALL RIGHT.
GET OUT OF HERE NOW.
HE'S BLUFFING.
HE WOULDN'T
SHOOT THE NOSE.
BLUFFING, AM I ?
OKAY, CLOWNS,
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
MILES, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
I CANNOT BELIEVE
THAT WE ACTUALLY DID IT.
AN EYE FOR AN EYE,
A TOOTH FOR A TOOTH
AND A NOSE FOR A NOSE.
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANS,
BUT IT SOUNDS BRILLIANT.
OH, MILES, YOU WERE
ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL.
JUST THINK.
ERNO'S PLAN WORKED.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN ERNO'S PLAN ?
WHAT WAS I THROUGH
ALL OF THAT ?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU ?
IT WAS ERNO'S PLAN ?
LOOK, I CANNOT GET
INTO THIS DISCUSSION
ABOUT ERNO WITH YOU.
I'M GETTING A HOSTILITY ACHE,
AND I'M-- A MIGRAINE
HEADACHE NOW.
AND I HAVEN'T SEEN
MY ANALYST IN YEARS.
AND HE WAS
A STRICT FREUDIAN.
AND IF I'D BEEN GOING
ALL THIS TIME, I'D PROBABLY
ALMOST BE CURED BY NOW.
MILES, ERNO'S GOING
TO LEAD THE REVOLUTION
AND HEAD THE NEW GOVERNMENT.
LOOK, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ?
IN SIX MONTHS, WE'LL BE
STEALING ERNO'S NOSE.
POLITICAL SOLUTIONS DON'T WORK.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
IT DOESN'T MATTER
WHO'S UP THERE.
THEY'RE ALL TERRIBLE.
THE POLITICAL MEN--
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING
AT ME LIKE THAT FOR ?
I THINK
YOU REALLY LOVE ME.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
THIS IS WHAT--
THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.
AND YOU LOVE ME. I KNOW THAT.
AND I DON'T BLAME YOU, HONEY.
YOU KNOW, I-- I-- I--
AND I'M NOT KNOCKING ERNO.
HE'S GREAT
IF YOU HAPPEN TO LIKE...
A TALL, BLONDE PRUSSIAN,
NORDIC, ARYAN NAZI TYPE.
BUT, MILES, MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN
MEN AND WOMEN DON'T LAST.
THAT WAS PROVEN
BY SCIENCE.
YOU SEE, THERE'S
A CHEMICAL IN OUR BODIES...
THAT MAKES IT ALL SO THAT
WE ALL GET ON EACH OTHER'S
NERVES SOONER OR LATER.
HEY, THAT'S SCIENCE.
I DON'T BELIEVE IN SCIENCE.
YOU KNOW, SCIENCE IS
AN INTELLECTUAL DEAD END.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A LOT
OF GUYS IN TWEED SUITS
CUTTING UP FROGS...
ON FOUNDATION GRANTS AND--
OH, I SEE. YOU DON'T
BELIEVE IN SCIENCE.
AND YOU ALSO DON'T BELIEVE
THAT THE POLITICAL
SYSTEMS WORK.
AND YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN GOD, HUH ?
RIGHT.
SO THEN,
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN ?
SEX AND DEATH.
TWO THINGS THAT COME
ONCE IN MY LIFETIME.
BUT AT LEAST AFTER DEATH
YOU'RE NOT NAUSEOUS.