Voila! Finally, the Striptease
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Demi Moore movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Striptease. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Always considering the best interest...
and well-being of the child.
Therefore, you may make visitation...
every other week and Christmas Eve...
and on Easter Sunday, wearing your pretty Easter outfits.
Your honor, my ex-husband is addicted to pills and he's a thief!
Because of his record, I lost my job as a secretary for the FBI.
He was the finest high-school tailback I ever saw.
Of course he's had his run-ins with the law, but he's...
made his accommodations with the authorities.
Being an informer for the vice squad...
hardly qualifies him to raise a seven-year-old!
Neither does being a mother without a job!
But I lost it because of him!
Little lady...
my decision is final.
Next case.
The big man's here!
- When does she go on? - Pretty soon, Jerry.
- Welcome to Eager Beaver, gentlemen. - Thank you.
Keep it close.
- Keep it very close. - You got it.
Last stop, okay?
- What do you say, congressman? - Poontang.
The night is young and full of promise, my boy.
Great!
Now look, this has to be the last one. Now I told...
Come on! We got a rehearsal tomorrow.
Melissa thinks I'm in temple. What if she calls?
We've got the legendary twin temples from Fort Lauderdale.
Miss Urbana Sprawl wrapping up on the great stage.
Nice spot, isn't it, Erb?
It's very uplifting, sir.
- Jerry, the usual Evian with lime? - Please.
From Paris, France...
put it together for the fabulous Monique, Jr.!
Oh, my God. I love you!
That song is killing me!
Those babies gonna wind up in traction, you don't play some ballads.
God, it's freezing!
They could store meat in here. In fact, they do store meat in here.
No, I've been trying all day!
Are you positive?
No, thank you.
- Can't reach her? - Darrell's phone's out of order.
I just know he's moved with her again to some new dump.
God, what a nightmare!
He drives around with her in that van. Drinking, taking pills...
He doesn't even think about putting a seat belt on her.
He's a dirtbag! You hang in there, honey.
You'll get Angela back.
That judge will see the light.
It's expensive light, I'll tell you that.
It's gonna cost me $ for this appeal.
Is there even a chance I can make that in six weeks?
You'll have to dance day and night and hope some Arab sheik shows up.
I love you, girls, I do. But I can't work here when I go back to court.
"Your honor, I found a new job. I'm working at the Eager Beaver".
It's honest work. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I know that and you know that. But the judge won't.
Not him.
God, I still get nauseous before I have to go out there.
You'll get over it.
Really? I can't imagine that.
You guys having a good time?
Here's the lucky guy!
You've come to the right place. Monique!
Look at these hunks!
We're having a party!
Keep an eye on them bachelors.
They look like real trouble.
It's time to strap yourselves in because you are going for a ride!
In her eighth week here...
put your hands together and make her feel good.
For the one, the only Erin Grant!
How about that!
- Larry King's at table six. - What's he wearing?
- Tank top and gold chains - That's Larry, all right.
- How do I look? - Better than me.
That ain't easy. You talk to her?
Darrell's phone's out of order. I think he moved again.
I'd embrace the opportunity to maim his white ass up.
That's really thoughtful, but I don't think it'd help me in court.
Erin, come on. I can't have an empty stage.
Man, let the chumps wait!
Going to the head.
You'll behave?
An angel appeared.
An angel of pure delight.
Go, Paul!
I'm getting married this weekend to Melissa.
You love her?
- Very much. - Then go home to her.
Shad!
Shad!
Listen up! The Flesh Farm is killing us and you know why?
- They have free buffalo wings. - Their girls are hookers.
No, because their girls dance fast.
And fast means sweat. And sweat...
means drinking!
Oh, my God!
What was that?
I got this.
Coming through. Move out of the way.
Way to go, Davey!
Back up! Back the hell up!
- You all right? - Fine. How about this guy?
Good thing he was drunk. You could've gotten hurt.
On the main stage, our lost little pussycat.
Put your hands together for the one, the only Miss Sabrina Hepburn!
Meow!
I leave you alone for five minutes!
Will you get in? Watch your foot, stupid.
Malcolm's gonna shit a brick. Thank you.
Did I touch any girls?
Not this time, but you were recognized.
Okay? Happy?
- How are you, little angel? - I'm fine, thank you.
- Kids just tear me up. - She's a brave one.
You'll be in my prayers.
God bless you, ma'am.
Last stop, little 'un.
Daddy, you're mean!
Evers and Jennings. This is the new model, the X .
- You're happy? - Oh, mucho happy.
- Mucho happy? - Get in the van.
Mucho, mucho, mucho!
Get in. We're in a loading zone. We don't wanna break the law.
Daddy, did you tell Mommy that we moved?
Of course I did, buttercup.
Of course I did.
How about a wine cooler, Erin?
I got mango, passion fruit...
Water would be just fine, Alberto. Thanks.
Rita, the reason I stopped by is Darrell's moved again...
and I need his new phone number.
Yeah? Well, you come to the wrong place.
I hardly sleep nights and then I break out into...
Look, Erin, I got no idea where our brother is, okay?
Shit! They got the cat!
Wolves got no restraint.
- Careful, sweetie. - Shut up!
She's all caught up with them cubs.
Some of the guys down at the nuclear plant...
they were asking me if you'd do, like...
private parties.
I don't think so.
Oh, that's a shame.
Because I'll bet that you are a great dancer.
Alberto, I'll go crazy if I don't get Darrell's new number.
I promised Angie I would call her every day and...
I hear he moved, Darrell.
Alberto, where is he?
You have to ask Rita about that.
He calls here about twice a week. Collect.
Need money, as usual...
but he don't speak to me.
Got no respect for me even though I am...
a professional man.
You're looking real good.
Oh, God, I've got such a headache.
Oh, yeah? You want some Advil?
That would be so great.
Well now, you sit right here.
I'm gonna fix up that mean old headache.
Never mind. I've gotta run, but thanks anyhow.
Deerfield Beach?
We had a good day, baby.
Phone's ringing. Think it's Mama?
No, little 'un. I talked to her and she's too busy to call you.
Damn him!
Nice leg. Maybe I'll take it home.
I recommend you let go.
Here's baby.
What'd you say?
What's with Princess Di tonight?
Her husband disappeared with the kid again.
I don't suppose you'd accept this in appreciation.
No need.
Senor Cucaracha here is gonna make me rich.
Oh, my God!
Is that a roach?
No, it's a fucking shrimp. Move, you're in my light.
Get some manners, mister!
So this is the new brainstorm?
The Wall Street journal says this is the hottest-selling yogurt.
I'll bring this in...
say my hair fell off from the shock. Boom.
They pay off bigtime.
Lawyer thinks it's a genius idea.
Your lawyer has an office over a video store.
Call me a dreamer. I don't wanna be a bouncer forever.
Erin! Note from Jerry!
What did it say?
"Dearest Erin: I can help you get your daughter back.
I ask nothing in return but a kind smile".
Yeah, right!
He's a weirdo.
You guys! He is totally harmless.
Come on!
"Also, could you add Kenny G to your routine?
Anything from his Christmas album".
That's sweet.
We could do a Christmas show here!
Seriously, it couldn't hurt to talk to him, right?
- Only talking, no touching. - Ladies! Attention!
- Major announcement. - Major asshole.
I heard that.
On Monday, I'm installing a ring.
Mud wrestling?
This is something that's really happening.
It's contemporary. It's now.
And it's creamed-corn wrestling.
- Corn? - Corn wrestling?
That's disgusting!
I'm not putting these in corn. No way!
What? No, it's terrific!
In Israel, we did falafel wrestling.
All the girls broke out in hives everywhere.
And I mean, everywhere!
Well, falafel, sure. This is corn!
- What is this, a mutiny? - I don't think so.
No chance that I'm gonna roll around naked in creamed corn...
with drunken yahoos trying to stick niblets up my hoo-hah.
Not naked. Topless.
Health Department won't go for naked.
Not with food products.
I always liked the Health Department.
So you'll think about it?
- Not for one second. - Erin!
Please!
You're getting a big following here.
Even with that shit music, the guys love you.
You go into the corn, you set a great example to the other girls.
I got it!
How about pasta wrestling?
Now, that's classy.
Linguine, rigatoni? Just nothing with meat or fish.
Orly, if I wanted to wrestle...
I would've joined the World Wrestling Federation.
- And speaking of real class? - What's the problem?
We hate these.
They degrade women and beavers.
I'll take it under advisement. But just the coasters and the napkins.
Not the sign. That's a landmark!
Good night, darlin'.
For you, Miss Grant.
They're beautiful, Jerry. Thank you.
You can call me Erin...
I can't. I worship you too much.
Believe me...
I'm no one to be worshiped.
I'm just trying to make a living.
I worship your essence.
If you were a nurse or a teacher, I'd feel the same.
You receive my note?
I did and, you know, I was wondering what you had in mind.
I believe I can help you get your daughter back.
I believe I can get to Judge Fingerhut.
- How? - Through...
a certain congressman who I'm certain will listen to me...
because I know some things.
Things? Really?
Well, you know what, Jerry? You're really a terrific guy...
and so supportive of me ever since I started here.
Maybe you shouldn't...
Just give me a week.
Good night, my precious.
Melissa thinks I was in synagogue the night this happened.
What do I tell her?
You left synagogue and a gang of skinheads jumped you.
In the meantime, we'll develop these, we'll see what we have.
I see mucho damages. These strip joints are insured up the ass.
My neck really feels better, Uncle Al.
Oh, yeah?
How's it feel now?
Call Little Caesar's.
Order me a health pizza. Get some for yourself.
No, thank you, sir. I'm dieting.
I'll just grab a yogurt out of the fridge.
This is a major disaster!
Major. Unbelievable. Without doubt...
the most asinine piece of human behavior.
It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm.
I've got it under control.
You see...
I just love naked women. It's a character flaw.
God's testing me...
Oh, will you shut up! You idiot.
You can't talk to me like that. I'm a U.S. congressman.
I can't?
You go psycho in a titty bar six weeks before the election.
What should I call you? Winston fucking Churchill?
It was all I could do to keep...
Willie Rojo from strangling you with his bare hands.
Everybody has a bad night.
If you're under pressure like we are, under the public eye...
Who recognized me?
His name...
is Jerry Killian.
And he's waiting outside.
Now?
Now. We gotta move on this before we get eaten alive.
Move on what?
If this is a shakedown, get Willie to pay them like always.
- Why drag me into it... - Because it's not about money.
- It's not? - No.
He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut...
to reverse a child custody case for some stripper.
Who he's porking?
It's disgraceful to have a man like me deal with...
He's not porking her.
Well, then, why does he care?
Because he's nuts!
That's why he's dangerous.
If he was porking her, at least I could deal with him man to man...
but this is fruitcake love.
I mean, Fingerhut's a democrat. He won't listen to me.
You can't say that to this little creep, Davey.
You gotta string him along.
Bullshit him.
Use the old...
Dilbeck charm.
What if he doesn't go for it?
Then we have a serious problem.
Mr. Killian!
Come in and meet Congressman Dilbeck.
I'll bet that's Jerry Killian.
Lucy!
Come here.
Come on.
How perfect is this?
You know, I was just thinking...
is this really on the same planet as Miami?
I can read.
Where's Andy?
He's been fishing since eight.
Dad!
Dad!
There's a floater!
He's still got his glasses on.
Go tell Mom to call the police.
- You're the police. - I'm the Miami police.
We just need the local law here.
Go on.
Man!
Of all the lakes...
in all the counties...
in all the world...
you gotta float up in mine.
You son of a bitch.
Mama!
Hey, come here!
I've been trying to reach you, baby.
Heard you stole my sister's mail!
That's a federal offense.
Wait for Mommy. I'm gonna go talk to Daddy.
Why do you keep moving? How will she make any friends?
Aren't we the child psych...
It has nothing to do with child psychology, you moron!
Where's she going to school?
Opa Locka? Deerfield Beach? Have you even thought about it?
Yeah, I thought about it plenty.
Hey, you only got two hours!
That's what the judge ruled right there from that bench!
I'll be right behind you just in case you're thinking about snatching her!
Mommy, does "snatch" mean "kidnap"?
How did you get so smart?
Is Free Willy back yet?
Still out.
People are pigs. Sit on movies like they own them.
Freak.
It's Shad. Open up.
It wasn't me. It was a temp.
Where's Perry Mason?
Our good friend, Mr. Shad! Come on in, we have lots to discuss.
No shit.
If I buzz twice, you say my mother's on the line. She has chest pains.
What do you mean he's a wheelchair salesman?
There's one nice thing about hospitals.
A lot of kids in chairs are really sick, and I wave at them...
and they smile just like on jerry Lewis.
- And do you do this every day? - On Fridays I stay with Aunt Rita.
That's a wholesome environment.
She has real wolves.
I don't want you touching those animals.
They're not like dogs.
Time.
Time.
I love you more than anything in the world.
You know that in your heart.
- Mommy? - What, baby?
Do you know those dolls you got me?
Daddy says he can't find them anywhere.
We'll get you new ones.
- I love you. - Bye, baby. I love you.
Hey, let's go!
All right, you go on. I'll bring your stuff.
Hey, baby! Did you have a good day?
Good.
She told me about your new profession. Really admirable.
At least I ain't naked.
"At least I ain't naked"?
You get caught using that child in a felony...
and Family Services will put her... - No way I'd get caught.
Got me one of them doctor's jackets and a stethoscope.
Look like one of them dudes on ER.
Darrell, would you think for once in your life?
I don't need no stripper telling me how to behave.
I'll see you in two weeks.
You ready?
You know where that was taken?
Your mama's birthday party.
The Eager Beaver. Can you identify those people?
Yeah, this old fool. Erin.
Erin's the stripper?
What'd you say?
Erin's the stripper.
Dancer, fat ass.
She's a dancer!
The young man who was so savagely beaten...
is my client, Paul Guber.
No shit. Too bad for him.
I don't think so.
The third person in that photo is none other than...
David L. Dilbeck.
So what?
Do you follow politics, Mr. Shad?
Do I look like I follow politics?
David Dilbeck is the U.S. congressman...
from the fifth district. He's up for reelection soon.
You gonna put the squeeze on him.
Nice. What that gotta do with me?
I'll give you % of the squeeze.
Is this conceivably as big as the yogurt deal?
"As big"?
Congressman Dilbeck is chairman of the subcommittee on sugar, okay?
The Rojo family cannot allow him to lose.
Because their price supports are worth hundreds of millions of dollars.
And quite frankly, Mr. Shad...
this is the opportunity of a lifetime.
Good.
Just keep Erin out of it.
I'll do my best.
She's out. Erin is out. Erin who?
Charming spot.
Look. Steven Spielberg's house.
I wish he'd come in here. I'm sure he would have big hots for me.
You'd turn his whole life around.
Steven Spielberg's shower. Can you imagine me and him in that shower?
- Oh, that cute little beard! - Yours or his?
Hey, Jerry, it's Erin Grant. What a long beep.
Someone's waiting for you.
Maybe you're out of town...
I'm just calling to see about that legal matter we discussed.
If you get a chance, just give me a call at the club.
Thanks, bye.
- Michael Jordan's at table eight! - Great.
Say hello to the fantastic Monique, Jr.!
Lieutenant Garcia with homicide.
What's he want with Erin?
Got no idea.
All I need is scandal.
What do you know about Prozac?
It makes you happy. There's side effects.
Like what?
Limp noodle.
Who cares?
I haven't had a hard- on since I started running this place.
Closest I got was Sea World.
Porpoise got me hot.
What the fuck you telling me that for?
I'm going next door. See what Ling's up to.
Drowned?
Oh, my God.
He had pictures of you all over his apartment.
He was a really big fan. He used to bring me flowers...
He was just a fan? There was no touching?
This has been a real pleasure.
I dance so I must turn tricks.
Nice way to open a conversation. "l understand you're a hooker?"
You don't work in a library here.
I'm trying to figure out the man's life.
He was a customer.
That's all I know about his life. Except that it's over.
I apologize.
Sincerely. Look, I'm real... I'm nowhere on this.
I could use some... Please give me a minute?
Please?
- So where did this happen? - Lake Okeechobee.
It's where I made the serious mistake of taking my vacation.
Your family?
Nice.
It's not the kind of place you'd expect to encounter a homicide.
- Homicide? You said he drowned. - No, we did an autopsy.
The water in his lungs, they come up clean.
There was tap water in his lungs?
Exactly.
Somebody killed him, like in a bathtub, then dumped the body in a lake.
Do you read mysteries?
Up till three months ago, I worked at the FBI in Miami.
A secretary.
Until I got fired for having a defective husband.
I'm in a pretty bad custody fight. Jerry was trying to help me.
From the shores of the Dead Sea...
a decorated nurse in the Israeli army...
say shalom to the fabulous Ariel Sharon!
Could we go outside? I could really use some air.
Oh, Mr. Orly! What a wonderful surprise.
Nice to be in quality club, eh?
Yeah, if you like freak shows.
Ling! Ling! Get over here!
Move it!
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
But that's Mr. Chris Rojo...
of the sugar Rojos.
Typical of the kind of rich big shots we get here.
Is this the place where I met my angel?
I don't know which angel you're referring to.
A congressman?
You mean a U.S. congressman?
Well, he wasn't specific who it was.
I told him it was bananas...
and maybe it was better that he stayed out of it.
On Wednesday, there was an incident, a guy with a bottle...
Oh, he was a total whack job. Drunk out of his mind.
Can you remember, was Mr. Killian here?
No, not offhand, but maybe.
Think about that and let me know. Here's all my numbers.
Once again, I apologize. I mean, for any aspersions.
You wanna make it up to me?
I beg your pardon?
I need a favor.
You've got friends on the vice squad?
They're not my bosom buddies.
My ex-husband's an informant.
It's why this idiot judge gave him custody.
- Are you joking? - I wish.
But I was thinking, if vice dumped him as an informer...
when my appeal came up in six weeks...
I could then say my ex-husband is unfit.
- He's such a criminal... - Wait a minute. He's a criminal?
Your ex? He's a criminal?
He steals wheelchairs. Thank you very much.
All right, let me see what I can do.
Good night.
You know, not having her around...
it's like my heart is missing.
I'm sure.
Let me see what I can do.
Good night.
Good night.
How much you pay them?
I think they're up to $ a day.
Subtract room and board, booze and smokes.
You know, who knows? Maybe they pay us!
- Hell of a business. - It's the best!
We gotta protect it, my friend, right?
Son, I've been protecting your family for years.
You're the greatest, man!
I'm saying, until the election, no more girls, huh?
Bring your wife down here for a weekend.
What's her name? Alice?
Mary Pat. Mary Pat.
Chris, I met an angel.
I mean, she's a dancer.
She's so pure and clean. Not like the rest of these whores.
- If I could be with her... - What?
You'd be a good boy?
I'd be perfect. I'd be perfect. I swear I would!
I would stop going to clubs.
I would stop drinking.
I would just lead a regular life, you know?
With my wife and a steady mistress.
And I would have a decent life.
So let's do it! Where'd you see her?
My brain has just turned to shit.
That's why you're in Congress!
You're probably right.
Who is it?
It's Lieutenant Garcia. Is it a bad time now?
No, just a second. I was rehearsing.
Morning.
I was nearby. I probably should've call...
No, no, it's fine. Please come on in.
Thank you.
Can I get you some coffee or English muffin?
No, no, thanks.
You know, I was thinking...
and if I had to guess, I would say...
that Jerry was probably there because he was there most nights.
So do you know anything new?
Actually, I have some good news...
and I have some mediocre news.
The good news is Darrell lost his informant status.
: this morning.
Vice thought his information was bogus anyway.
This is great! Now in six weeks, I can go to the judge...
That's the mediocre part.
Judge Fingerhut had a heart attack early this morning...
at a porno theater on Ocean.
- Don't tell me that! - He was DOA...
at Don Shula Hospital.
Anyway, I called around, and the earliest...
It'll be six months before your appeal's heard.
The system is all backed up.
I can't allow her to stay with him for another six months!
There's nothing you can do from a legal standpoint.
Absolutely nothing.
I understand.
Is today Friday?
Yeah, it's Friday.
I gotta run now.
- How are you? - All right.
You're wonderful, Mr. Dilbeck!
Shalom, darlin'. Shalom to you.
Manischewitz!
Congressman.
Alan Mordecai.
- Alan, how you been? - Fine, sir.
Congressman, I brought a little souvenir for you.
Obviously, the ramifications of that, if it were to become public...
- Is this me? - Yes, I'm afraid so.
If this became public, it would be devastating...
and I'd like to avoid that.
It's her.
It's my angel.
Heel! Slow down! Heel, will you?
Are you going to your house, Mama?
No, we're going to our house.
For the whole day?
Even better.
Really?
Really.
You snatched me, didn't you?
I guess I did.
You sure did.
Come on, pumpkin. Zippity-doo-dah.
I didn't know she had a child.
Of course you...
She's divorced, but the husband has custody. Remember?
She's carrying numerous bags.
That doesn't look like just a visitation, does it, Erb?
I'll look into it.
Check custody status of Ms. Erin Grant.
God, give me strength.
What an extraordinary creature.
How perfect in every detail.
Davey, you promised you'd behave until after the election.
You don't understand. This is love.
Please.
I won't campaign...
until I can possess...
her actual velvet self.
In the meantime, I want you to bring me something.
Something of hers.
Something...
personal to tide me over.
How personal?
Intensely personal.
Am I a good help?
Honey, you are the best laundry assistant I've ever had.
All right, let's hit the road, Jack.
Who's Jack?
It's just an expression. Come on.
This is some picture.
It's fatal.
I don't accede to blackmail.
Willie, I agree with you in principle...
but this gets out, we're in a bigtime shitstorm.
Pop, pay the guy off.
You got a cancer, you talk nice to it?
- No. You cut it out. - Willie.
We can't operate like we're in the funeral business.
I'd rather buy cops than pay blackmail. Understood?
I just think we should consider other options.
Understood?
What else?
A connected matter.
Davey wants this stripper, and I'd like to use the boat.
That way, we can control the situation.
- She's the girl from the picture? - That's correct.
- What does she know? - Well, we gotta find out.
The good news is she got custody illegally, so she's vulnerable.
Vulnerable isn't good enough.
I say let Davey have his fun. Then lose her.
Willie, Willie.
First, let's determine whether she can hurt us or not.
I'm sure she's just another dumb whore.
For her sake, I hope so.
Phooey! I go back three.
- This is complicated. - It's easy.
All right, is it your turn?
You stay here with us, sweetie. Mama's orders.
Everybody, listen up.
This is Lorelei!
Formerly of the Flesh Farm.
She and her snake, Monty Python, have signed an exclusive...
contract with us.
You've got a snake?
- Monty. - And she starts tomorrow.
So why don't we make her feel at home...
and give her a real Eager Beaver welcome!
Welcome, darling.
I'm Ariel, Miss Gaza Strip.
I'm Tiffany Glass.
- How big is your snake? - It's big.
So what brings you here?
Just what we needed, another blonde!
What the hell is that?
It just came from Ling's.
Monty sleeps with the fishes.
Lorelei has no idea, right?
No, it just got here.
It's fresh.
Go rustle up a new snake.
Where? The A&P?
Who the fuck carries pythons at : ?
There's an all-night snake farm on Route .
Ask for Jungle Juan.
And get rid of that.
God, I hate this business.
You know why?
It's lost its humanity.
- Say hello to one gorgeous creature... - Bring change.
the unbelievable Erin Grant!
Because he believes in the family...
in the values that made us a God-fearing people.
Because he's long been a friend of this organization.
Get him out of there. Preferably with his clothes on.
David... Oh, my God!
Tell me I'm dreaming. Please.
No, no, no! I cannot believe this!
Davey, no!
Is this lint fresh?
Hot out of the Maytag.
You just can't imagine!
This is the very essence of that glorious creature.
I gotta say, even for you, Davey, this is off the charts!
Why are you shiny?
It's Vaseline.
It's Vas... Great. It's Vaseline.
You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
Not unless I have third degree burns.
You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over.
It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing in between my toes.
All right, okay.
The Young Christians are waiting so...
- When will I see her? - It's in the works.
- When? - It's in the works!
Clean yourself up!
I did not go into politics to pimp for a twisted old fuck like you!
I've had it, Davey.
I quit.
You are such a child.
Onward, Christian soldiers
Marching as to war
With the cross of jesus
Going on before
Christ, the royal Master
Leads against the foe
Forward into battle
See His banners go
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You are too kind.
What a privilege for me to be here for you good people tonight...
and to talk about an issue that is so critical...
to this campaign and to all of the American people.
I'm talking about the issue...
of family values.
Where's Monty? He isn't here yet.
He's on his way. Relax.
Do me a favor and watch Angela?
I'm gonna get my car, it's pouring out.
- Yeah, sure, gorgeous. - Thanks.
Where have you been all night?
Doing my Christmas shopping early. Martha Stewart recommends it.
If that's not a snake, then it's an amazing belt.
I gotta find a new line of work. This shit is getting out of hand.
Let me put this down and walk you to your car.
I'm fine. I'll see you tomorrow.
- Evening, everybody. - Shit!
- Where's my little 'un? - Where you can't get her.
Is that ever the wrong answer. Bring her to me now!
I am not bringing her to you in this lifetime.
I'll go to that judge and tell him my whore of a wife abducted...
Guess what, Darrell? The judge is dead.
So you'll just have to kill me.
- Go on! - Think I'm afraid to?
Think I don't have the manliness to take your life?
I think you are all man.
That death row-lethal injection thing? That's not gonna scare you.
They'd never execute a daddy.
Drop the knife.
You got till three. One.
Suck my dick.
Whip the little fella out. Two.
This here is a domestic squabble.
Three.
You broke my arm!
You sure?
- Bitch! - Bully!
I'm gonna get you!
- Are you okay? - Just had a tiff with my ex.
I know what that's like. Did you see? Monty finally got here.
That's great, Lorelei.
Hey, baby. Say hi to Erin.
- Cute. - Homicide.
Lieutenant Garcia.
She's a kidnapper!
Watch your head there.
The fact is he threatened, and he did not attempt.
What if he kills me? Can I press charges then?
The law is the law. I'll screw around here.
If you like, I'll lose your paperwork. He makes bail, she's his.
I should split and take her to New England.
Understand this.
If you split without formal custody, you'll lose her forever.
I've dealt with Family Services. They are pencil pushers.
- This is by the book. - I'm dealing with a maniac.
I understand. I repeat, you can't take off.
You cannot.
You might have a bigger problem.
- I can't have a bigger problem! - Look at this.
Any of these clowns the one who might have assaulted Mr. Guber?
This clown.
You're positive?
Absolutely.
Who is he? He looks like that guy on F Troop.
That's Congressman Dilbeck.
This nut is a congressman?
You haven't heard from him? From any of his staff?
Wait.
This is who Jerry was talking about.
Are you saying I am in danger from a congressman?
No.
Let me know if you hear from him though.
I think that's in both our interests.
How did I get so popular?
Hush, little baby Don 't you cry
Mama 's gonna buy you a something
Pumpkin pie.
Oh, you're awake.
- Can Mommy put you down? - No.
Fair enough.
- Brush your teeth. - I'm too tired.
Okay, don't brush your teeth. Go on to bed.
"Mr. Dilbeck requests your company for a private dance.
You'll receive $ cash for a one-hour set.
Discretion and confidentiality are of the utmost importance".
Mommy, do you like dancing?
Why are you still awake?
I was just thinking. Do you like dancing?
Not really.
- It's not fun? - No.
You're just dancing.
Just dancing's fun, honey. Sure, that part of the job.
What's not fun? The customers?
Urbana said some of them are mean and stupid.
Pumpkin, have you ever seen me dance?
Have you?
- I told the girls that... - I came out tonight.
While I was dancing?
You looked really pretty.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did. You looked great.
Thank you, baby.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the Miami Seaquarium 's Top Deck.
We are going to celebrate the oceans and all the living things in them...
as we proudly present to you a splash of the islands.
Okay, now, I need all the camp kids to come with me.
Come on. You too.
It's okay. You can go. Go on. It's all right.
I'll be right here.
Don't worry.
She's spent so little time with kids... .
It'll change. Once she's with you full-time.
I hope so.
Let me get this straight. He offered you two grand?
To dance for one hour?
I don't know.
I can't turn it down, Al.
Now that I have Angie with me, I've gotta find another job immediately.
Which will pay me nothing compared to what I'm making now.
But, you know...
she saw me last night. Can you imagine?
Was she upset?
She said no, but come on. One day she's gonna realize...
and say, "That was my mother".
How about you? You ready to feed Flipper? Step here.
Oh, my God.
- It's safe, though, right? - What?
With Dilbeck.
I'm bringing Shad.
I think as long as they think you don't know anything, you'll be fine.
Keep your ears open.
What will you do with her tonight?
Urbana said that she'd...
Why don't you drop her off at our house?
- I can't do that. - Why not?
I told Donna everything. Your whole situation.
She said if you needed a hand she'd love to help.
She doesn't think I'm something out of A Current Affair?
Come on, you're a terrific girl. You know that.
So you made a mistake. You married a bum. What are you gonna do?
You gonna beat yourself up for the rest of your life?
Well, I usually don't, but it's...
I mean, it's just that...
you know, she saw me dancing.
It'll all work out.
I want her free and clear, whatever it takes.
Good job, baby!
- You're Mrs. Grant? - No, I'm Barbara Bush.
- Who is he? - George Bush.
George Bush is not invited.
Take a hike.
Oh, no, no.
See, if he goes, I go.
Raise your hands. I gotta pat you down.
Stop.
Right this way.
Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck.
You are... You're a beauty.
Good evening.
I'm Erin Grant.
And you must be...
Convak Dilvak.
Congressman Dildo.
I am Congressman David Dilbeck.
And welcome, welcome.
You are truly, truly welcome.
Thank you.
Have we ever met before?
But actually, I have seen...
many, many beautiful photographs of you.
Well, I'm honored. And a congressman.
Very successful congressman you must be.
This is not my boat.
It belongs to a very close friend of mine.
Do you like Dino?
Dean's great, yeah. But you know, I've brought my own.
Do you care for The Artist Formerly Known as Prince?
I care for you.
So, George, you get to watch any of the auditions?
Watch, my ass. I do the hiring.
I've seen every girl in Florida.
What are the criteria? Monster jugs?
Firmness is crucial.
I gotta hold them for a while. Shake them.
You shake their tits?
It ain't no picnic, man. Got tendinitis in my right wrist.
On a rainy day, it's agony.
You audition anybody famous?
You know, before they were famous.
Sure did.
Meryl Streep.
Come on! Meryl Streep stripped?
One of the best.
Chesty La France.
That was Meryl.
Chesty La France. I heard of her.
I give you anything you want.
A diamond ring.
A Lexus.
I'll get you a condo on the beach.
just be my girlfriend.
- Can't do that. - Why not?
I love you.
You don't know what I've done for you recently.
Really? And what was that?
I talked to judge Fingerhut about your daughter.
You did?
And how did you know about my case?
Little birdie told me.
It must have been a little old birdie who knew me very well.
"Who" is not important.
Come on now.
Not just a little hint.
I can't do that.
But I know the new judge.
He's a very good friend of mine. The Honorable jack Goldberg.
He'll be more amenable.
Darlin', if you just come into Davey's life...
good things will happen.
You don't know how much I worship you.
How much?
I sent my aide, Erb, over to your laundromat.
He brought back some of your lint.
My lint?
Fresh...
hot lint.
And what did you do with that fresh, hot lint?
I'm afraid I made love to it.
Close your eyes. I've got a little surprise for you.
Keep them closed.
No peeking.
Don't invade my private life again or I'll kill you. You understand?
Show's over, big boy.
You'll come back tomorrow? Same time?
I don't think so.
I'll give you $ .
Five thousand dollars for no sex? You love me that much.
Just the touch of your hand sets my pecker on fire.
Maybe you should see a doctor.
Same time tomorrow?
If I come, can we talk more about my case?
We can talk about anything. As long as you're naked.
We'll see.
Good evening.
You don't know me. I'm Malcolm Moldovsky.
Dilbeck's right hand.
You must be a very busy man.
Touché.
I wish to give you some advice...
about your adorable little daughter, Angela.
- What about her? - Your custody of her is illegal.
That's just temporary until the appeal gets heard...
Please, please, Miss Grant.
Really, it's of no concern to us.
As long as you refuse to cooperate with certain individuals...
who seek to harm and slur Congressman Dilbeck...
for their own selfish political gain.
I don't know what you're talking about. Excuse me.
Perhaps you don't.
But what a pity if Angela were to be placed in a state home.
Pretty grim, most of them.
A lot of strange people working there.
I'd recommend that you cooperate with us for the child's sake.
Which means you talk to no one about tonight...
or any night.
Understood?
Of course.
Good.
Now if you'll excuse me...
I'd better toss the congressman into a cold shower.
By the way, I can see why he's so taken by your charms.
Good night.
Watch your step on the gangplank.
She ain't dumb enough.
- Try anything? - No.
He ask you back?
No.
Aren't we Miss Talkative tonight?
I'm a little tired.
What's the matter, baby? Come on.
Monty.
This reptile's a freaking lemon.
Who are you?
Help!
- So how did it go? - Fine.
- No problems? - No, none.
But no information.
Zero.
Look, I gotta run, you know. Angela's wiped.
I'll see you later, okay?
Come on, come on.
Do something!
I'm doing something. I'm protecting you.
- Stand back. - Oh, my God!
That's not Monty!
You're fine, hon. You'll be fine.
It doesn't look bad.
What happened here?
We got a problem with a dead snake.
Gee, that's funny.
So do I.
Here comes that brilliant and charming attorney of yours, Mr. Mordecai.
Found him yards offshore. Now show him the rest of his kisser.
Crabs find lawyers a particular delicacy.
Looks like lasagna.
Cover that shit up.
You wanna tell me why your name was on his calendar for tomorrow?
I was involved in litigation with a yogurt company.
From my limited experience, this isn't something...
a yogurt company would ordinarily do.
He represented the kid who got mauled at your club.
Now that I find fascinating, Shad.
He had a picture.
Man, I'm gonna lose it.
No, no. A picture of what?
A legislator?
Yeah, beating a kid's ass.
- Where's the original? - I got no idea.
Here, freshen up.
All right, thanks.
- Can I interest you in dessert? - Just the check.
Good night.
- Dilbeck didn't invite her back? - She said no.
That's good. I don't think she should go there again, even with you.
She seemed all edgy tonight.
Man, she got her moods. Could be that time of month.
So you're like the gynecologist-bouncer, bouncer-gynecologist.
- I just watch out for the girl. - So do I.
That's a grand total of two people in Florida.
The higher-ups in my department aren't pushing this investigation.
- Because of this congressman? - Bingo.
We got two homicides here, and nobody gives a shit.
And I'm worried about that girl.
She's out there all by herself.
Where's the sheriff?
Hello, city desk?
It is an unusual time for a news conference...
but the congressman feels it will dramatize his message.
We'll send a camera crew.
- Confirm? - There won't be any need to confirm.
- Got everything. - Thank you.
Good morning, pumpkin. How'd you sleep?
Good. How about you?
Well, I just... I slept great, honey.
Want some cereal?
Not right now.
- Good morning. - Hello, CNN?
- May I help you? - News desk.
One second, please.
This is Jennifer...
and I'm calling from Congressman Dilbeck's office.
Malcolm Moldovsky asked me to call...
about the news conference at the refinery.
Quit moving!
Whose Mercedes is that?
- Some orthodontist from Tampa. - God, what would Mom say?
She'd say, "Nice fucking car".
You got a mouth like a sewer!
I need some morphine.
I don't got none for humans.
What do you mean?
All's I got is some from when Lupa had her cubs.
- Wolf morphine? - I don't know. I think so.
So give me. I'm dying. Busted arm, two nights in jail.
How'd you break it?
Playing polo with Donald Trump, okay?
It says here you take two every four hours with a bowl of milk.
Sounds good to me.
I said two!
Goddamn it!
Throw down a spade or seven unless you have an eight.
Then you can change suits.
So that's why they call it Crazy Eights.
When are you coming back?
By two. But I hope you will be asleep.
We'll take care of her. Don't worry.
You're going out?
I'll be back by two. I'll dance the late shift.
- Can you tell me where you...? - No, I can't.
- You be good, pumpkin. - I will.
She'll be fine.
Don't worry.
See you, baby.
You're going to the boat?
Not without me.
I'll be late.
Listen up.
- You said you weren't going. - I didn't want anybody to know.
- Like who? - Garcia.
Then just say, "Don't tell Garcia". What's up?
They'll put Angela in a foster home if I don't keep my mouth shut.
- Says who? - Dilbeck's guy, that creep Moldovsky.
Promise me you will stay with her every second. I need to know that.
I can't let you go there alone.
They're gonna pay me $ . I need the money.
I need to get out of here and live a normal, fully-dressed life...
with shopping lists and school buses.
If they wanted to kill me, they would have.
Let me get this straight.
So you gonna go there, dance and come back here.
Correct.
Something's up.
I've got it under control.
Promise me you'll stay with Angela every second.
I'll see you later.
Bonsoir.
Sorry.
You speak English?
Sometime.
What do you think about the people you work for?
They're filth.
Exploiters of the poor.
I think you and I are gonna get along just fine.
For $ I expect to get laid. It's only human.
Listen to me.
That beautiful lady doesn't understand.
She doesn't understand what it's like to make love to a congressman.
The ecstasy, the wonderful...
Listen to me, you sick fuck!
She's been meeting with a cop.
Maybe he's from the titty squad.
He's homicide.
She used to work at the FBI as a secretary.
This bitch is poison. She's out to slaughter us.
Make a fool of me.
Screw yourself bowlegged, Davey of the Navy.
Then let us handle it. I'll be on the top deck.
I thought she cared for me.
We're heavy.
Copy.
No cheating.
- One, two, three... - Doesn't look good.
Can't get a break.
Shad's a loser. Shad's a loser.
All right, Miss Angela.
Six!
She always gets six.
Down, Bowser. Be patient.
Don't tease me!
I'm not teasing. You just sit back...
relax, have yourself another drink.
Because tonight is the night.
It sure is.
Who are you?
I want my daughter.
What? Chico! How'd you get onboard?
My little 'un. I want her.
Your "little 'un," whoever she is, is not here.
Chico!
What's this?
Damn!
Look...
Well, there's a sight to raise the dead.
Who's that old freak?
Hold on a second.
I know who that is.
Is that the...?
Is that that guy from Price Is Right?
Oh, damn!
You got my daughter...
and now you try and kill me with a ax!
I don't have your daughter! You're confused.
And it's "an" axe.
I'm stoned...
but I ain't confused.
You stole my little 'un!
Before we make love, I wish to shave you.
I don't need a shave.
Evening, partygoers.
Where's Erin?
I don't hear you.
Bullshit.
Tiffany!
Is Mommy okay?
She's fine, honey. We're gonna pick her up now.
We'll play card games, have some fun!
She won't like this. She told me...
I don't care what she told you! How could you let her go alone?
- I thought you were in jail. - I made my bail.
- This son of a bitch your...? - Hang on.
Here's your nickel. Nice dance.
Would you please just get out of here?
Are you that guy from Price ls Right?
I'm Congressman David Dilbeck.
Congressman?
- Yeah. - No shit?
Well, I steal wheelchairs...
so we got a lot in common.
I'm getting tired. I think I just killed a lying weasel.
You did what?
Beat him with this here club.
Well then, get out! And leave us alone!
I'm about to mount this here beauty.
Maybe not.
You're talking about my wife.
It's time for us to take a little drive.
Malcolm.
Malcolm!
- Move it, move it! - Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
- Get on... - Keep quiet!
- Pick a good one. Take it! - Hurry it up!
Shit, look at this.
Help me, you assholes.
Help!
Stop! Stop!
I voted against gun control. Weapons could end up in the wrong hands.
Will you please shut up?
What?
- It doesn't start. - Come on, man.
We are in trouble.
Oh, no!
That fracture looks bad.
We ought to drop him off at the doctor.
- We're not dropping anybody anywhere. - My sister Rita done up my arm.
Oh, really? I'm a great believer in family.
Do you have a pen and paper?
It didn't feel the way I thought, killing a man.
- Killing a man? - It felt terrible.
- I want you to write something. - What?
I want you to give me custody of Angela.
No way.
You're going to jail for what you did...
and I will not have that child placed in a foster home.
So please. A simple note.
"I Darrell Grant..."
I love that little 'un.
I know you do. "...give full custody..."
- You do? - Yes, I do.
Let's do this for her. Let's not put her at risk anymore.
"...to my wife, Erin Grant".
Okay.
Good boy.
You know, you write quite poorly.
Are you a high-school graduate?
Shit!
Everybody just stay put, all right?
This girl is nuts.
My prostate doctor said...
that I have to urinate whenever possible.
Then go relieve yourself over there.
Pierre, just stay with him.
Now wake up. Come on. Here.
You gotta sign this.
Sign your name, that's all you gotta do...
before you get arrested.
Now come on. Sign your name.
There you go.
"Darrell Grant". Good boy. Good.
That's right.
I'm back!
No more teasing.
Oh, finally!
What?
Finally you take me like a man.
Like a congressman.
I knew you cared for me.
Malcolm didn't know what he was talking about.
- Now take me. - Here?
I've got a special spot picked out for us.
Get that music box for me, will you, honey?
- Sorry, boss. It all happened... - Shut up, you nitwit!
Don't explain. We got a goddamn stripper about to bring us all down.
How do I look?
Not bad.
- What happened to him? - I hit him with a rock.
Who's the man?
You're the man.
You are the man and oh, so strong.
- Well, here we are. - Here?
You ever make it on a pile of sugar before?
No, but I'm willing to try.
Well, you're in for a treat.
You're in for a treat too, darlin' .
Now you just let me put some music on...
while you take off those pretty little pants.
You'd better put on some blast goggles.
Because you're in for an overwhelming sight.
Shit! Radio for help!
What do I tell them? Congressman Dilbeck abducted a woman.
They'll shut off their radios and go help him.
So we're it. A cop and a bouncer.
Plus two strippers and a kid. We're in great shape.
And two.
How come here? How come not that yacht?
I'm kind of private. I don't like people watching.
Me neither. I don't like anything kinky.
I know you don't. You're a real man.
I knew it when poor Jerry was killed and Shad's lawyer.
I said, "Davey's the real thing. An M-A-N man".
A man blackmails you...
you got to deal with it!
You got to be hard and firm.
And you can dance!
- Marry me. - What?
Marry me. Just say it.
- You are married. - I know.
But I'd leave my wife in a heartbeat.
She wouldn't care. She doesn't like me anyhow.
Well, this is very sudden, and I have a lot to think about.
- I'll make you proud of me. - I know you would.
It's like when Jerry said, "I'm gonna shake down Dilbeck".
And I said, "Are you crazy?
Blackmail a real man like that?"
I said to Malcolm, "Just do what you have to do...
to Jerry, that fat lawyer. Just do it! "
- Just do it. - Just do it! And he did.
- Didn't he? - He sure did.
You idiot!
- Shit. - Hi, Malcolm! How you doing?
I'd like to introduce you to my fiancée.
This is Miss Erin Grant.
Sorry, Davey.
You both gotta go.
Willie's orders.
You are sick.
Murder- suicide, Miss Grant.
Suicide?
Hell of a story, isn't it? A congressman and a stripper.
Excuse me. What did you call me?
A stripper.
Dancer, asshole.
George Bush!
That's not George Bush.
That doesn't look anything like George Bush.
Drop them. You got till three.
One.
What are you, nuts?
Yeah, psycho.
Delusions of invincibility combined with a strong homicidal urge.
I have a kick-your-ass fetish.
Two.
Boss?
Three!
Goddamn it!
Good evening, everyone.
Postman, postman
Do your duty
Send this letter To an American beauty
You're now under arrest.
For a variety of charges.
I need some coffee.
Why don't we start with homicide?
You're not arresting anyone.
Black.
No sugar.
I said, no sugar.
You know you have a serious dandruff problem.
Ladies!
Mama! Mama!
Baby!
- You okay, Mama? - I'm fine, baby.
See how you could get tendinitis?
Come on, guys.
Congressman, you called a news conference?
Holy shit!
Thank you.
There comes a time in every public figure's career...
when he has to think about his future.
You are making a tragic mistake here.
jerry, that fat lawyer. just do it! And he did.
You idiot!
Do you have any idea how nuts this was?
We're going, baby.
Thank you for all your help.
Yeah, likewise.
Keep me posted on what you decide to do.
- Maybe I'll run for Congress. - There's gonna be a seat open now.
Talk to you soon.
Stay in touch.
You shouldn't have done this without me.
It won't happen again.