Voila! Finally, the Swingers
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Vince
Vaughn and Jon Favreau and Heather Graham.. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Swingers. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
No way.
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
You're nobody 'til somebody cares
You may be king You may possess the world
And its gold
But gold won't bring you happiness
When you're growin' old
The world still is the same
You never change it
As sure as the stars
Shine above
You're nobody 'til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love
The world still is the same
You never change it
As sure as the stars
Shine above
But you're nobody 'til somebody loves you
So find yourself somebody to love
So find yourself somebody to love
- Okay, so what if I don't want to give up on her? - You don't call.
- You said I don't call if I wanted to give up on her. - Right.
- So I don't call either way. - Right.
- So what's the difference? - There is no difference right now.
See, Mike, the only difference between giving up and not giving up...
is if you take her back when she wants to come back.
But you can't do anything to make her want to come back.
In fact, you can only do stuff to make her not want to come back.
So the only difference is if I forget about her or just pretend to forget about her.
- Right. - Well, that sucks.
Yeah, it sucks.
So it's like a retroactive decision then? I mean, I could, like, forget about her.
And then when she comes back, make like I just pretended to forget about her?
Right, although probably more likely the opposite.
What do you mean?
I mean, at first you're gonna pretend to forget about her.
Not call her, I don't know, whatever.
But then, eventually, you really will forget about her.
- Well, unless she comes back first. - Mm, see, that's the thing.
Somehow they know not to come back until you really forget.
- There's the rub. - There's the rub.
Look, man, uh, I-I'm sorry we always talk about the same thing all the time.
- Ah, no, it's all right. - It's just that, you know... It's just you been there, man.
- Don't sweat it. - Your advice really helps. And I just, I don't know...
You know, Rob, you're the only one I can talk to about her.
Thanks. Thanks, man.
Hello, you have four messages.
Message one.
Hey, gorgeous, it's, uh, Trent calling.
Look, you gotta get that girl out of your head. Uh, I hope my...
Message two.
Hey, Mike, uh, if you want to talk about Michelle, give me...
Message three.
Did she call yet? I'm sure she... - Message four.
Michael, this is Grandma.
We all miss you back here in New York.
You still haven't told me if you got that part on the television pro...
That was your last message.
You have to put things in perspective.
- I know, I know. - She doesn't deserve you.
Thanks. I appreciate that.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Okay, that's great advice. Thanks a lot. Okay? Bye.
- Life, after all... - Please, I'm trying to make a phone call.
- Are you calling her? - No. Will you stop? I'm try... Please.
- Hello? - What's up, Trent?
Hey, we got two parties tonight. One's for a modeling agency.
- I don't know. - Listen to me, baby. There's gonna be beautiful babies there.
I... Look, Trent, uh, I got shit to do tomorrow.
Listen to you. I've got a final callback on a pilot at : and I'm going to this thing.
Come on, Mike, you got to get out with the beautiful babies.
- You can't sit at home thinking about it. - Not tonight.
Not tonight? Listen to you! We're gonna have fun tonight.
- We gotta get you out of that stuffy apartment.
We're gonna spend half the night driving around the hills looking for this one party,
and you're gonna say it sucks, and we're all gonna leave,
and then we're gonna go look for this other party.
But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck.
I spend half the night talkin' to some girl who's lookin' around the room...
to see if there's somebody else who's more important she should be talking to.
And it's like I'm supposed to be all happy, uh, 'cause she's wearing a backpack.
I... You know, and half of them are just nasty skanks...
who wouldn't be nothing, except they're surrounded by a bunch of drunken, horny assholes.
I'm gonna tell you something, T. Are you listening?
- Yeah, I'm listening. - I'm not gonna be one of those assholes, all right?
It just makes me sick.
It's like, uh, some nasty skank who isn't half the woman my girlfriend is...
is gonna front me?
- It makes me want to fuckin' puke. - Jesus Christ!
Will you shut up for a minute? We gotta get you the fuck out of Dodge, man.
- We're goin' to Vegas tonight. - What are you talkin' about?
- Vegas, baby. Vegas! - What do you mean, Vegas?
- Vegas. Las Vegas. - I'm not going to no Vegas.
Yeah. I think... You know what, man? We're gonna go to Vegas and, uh...
- When are we going to Vegas? - We're going tonight.
- No, we're not going tonight. I'm not going to Vegas! - I'm gonna pick you up.
- Listen to me. - No, you listen to me. I'm not going, okay?
- None of this shit anymore. - Listen, I just listened to you; now hear me out.
You bring something nice to wear.
- I'm not going to Vegas. - Mike, we're going.
I'm not going to Vegas.
All right, listen. I took out $ but I'm only betting with .
I can't afford any more than that, all right?
And I figure if we buy a lot of chips, though, the pit boss will see us,
he'll comp us all sorts of free shit; that's how it works over there.
- But you gotta be cool. - I'm cool, baby, I'm cool.
They're gonna give Daddy a room, some breakfast, maybe Bennett singing.
- I know just the place. - What the hell are you wearin'?
I thought you said we're gonna wear suits.
Oh, Mike, you gotta stop worrying about this. We're goin' to Vegas, man.
If you're wearing a suit, and you look like you gamble a lot, they give you free shit.
It's in the back. I'll put it on when we get there.
Uh-uh. No way. No, turn around. I'm goin' home.
You gotta show up wearing that suit, or otherwise I'm not going.
All right already, okay? I'll put my suit on. Grab the wheel. Hold it steady.
- I'm tellin' you, this is how you do it. - I know!
- They're watching you when you drive up. That's how it works. - Fine, fine.
It could work. I'm serious.
They're gonna give Daddy the Rain Man suite. You dig that?
- We're going to Vegas, Mike. Vegas! - Vegas!
You think we can get there by midnight?
- We're gonna be up five "hundy" by midnight! - Yeah!
- Vegas! Vegas! - Vegas, baby. Vegas!
Vegas, baby. Vegas.
'Cause I'm not the happy guy I used to be
She thinks I
Still care
But if she's happy thinking
I still need her
Vegas, baby. Vegas.
Vegas.
It's the root of all evil Of strife and upheaval
But I'm certain, honey
That life would be sunny
With plenty of money
And you
I always thought, uh, Caesar's was more the dope spot.
Back in their day, this place was a real contender, but now they'll appreciate the business.
They'll probably fall all over themselves for a couple of high-class guys like me and you.
- Now, we're not... - You want to be fresh on the scene, right?
The new places down on the strip, now, those places are supposed to be it.
Oh, Mike, you don't want all that fuckin' Pirate of the Caribbean horseshit.
Or the rock and roll grunge tip.
You know, guys like me and you gotta kick it here. Old school.
Yeah, this is... This is truly old school.
- Definitely old school. - This place is fuckin' dead.
You know, I'm gonna find me two waitresses here and I'm gonna pull me a Fredo.
- Yeah, well, they're all skanks. - What are you talkin' about?
Look at all the beautiful babies here.
The beautiful babies don't work midnights to : on a... on a Wednesday.
- This is the skank shift. - Look at all the beautiful honeys here.
- Excuse me. - Excuse me, darling. I want you to remember this face here.
This is the guy behind the guy behind the guy.
Okay.
Will you cut that shit out?
- What? She smiled. - That's not cool, man.
- Did she or did she not smile? - It doesn't matter.
- Mike, I'm telling you, girls love that stuff. - You're gonna screw up our plan.
- Baby, we're gonna get laid. - Could we first see what happens when we play it cool?
What do you think, Mike? Do you think she's gonna leave us and go tell her pit boss on us?
Will you stop makin' fun, all right?
The trick is we gotta look like we don't need the shit, then they give us shit for free.
Right, right, right. Well, I think you look great, man.
I think I'm looking like the money, like the bomb, right?
All right, stop. See that? That, uh, table? That's where we make our scene.
You think they'll notice me and you?
Oh, they're gonna notice me and you, 'cause they're watching.
- Nicely done, sir. You're on a streak now. - It's about time.
One of the best streaks I've ever had. I wanna get even.
Uh, start with, uh, I don't know, ?
I can count that for you.
- On the table. - Excuse me?
- You have to lay it on the table. - I don't want to bet it all.
You're not allowed to hand me money, sir.
You have to lay it on the table if you want me to change it.
- Changing . - Three hundred.
- Do you have anything smaller? - Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.
But this happens to be a $ minimum bet table.
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable at one of our lower stakes tables.
Okay, just tuck 'em under, just like this.
There you go.
Cocktails?
Guy behind the guy.
I'll have a scotch on the rocks, please.
Any scotch will do, as long as it's not a blend, of course.
Uh, single malt. Glenlivet, Glenfiddich perhaps.
Maybe a Glengow... Any Glen.
Scotch on the rocks.
- Double down. - What?
You got an . You always double down on an .
I know, but it's $ . It's blood money.
- Mike, you gotta double down. - I can't double down.
- Mike, if you don't look like you know what you're doing... - Will you stop for a second?
- Just shut up, okay? I can't. - If you don't look like you know what you're doing...
Just stop for a second!
Double down.
That's nice.
Eighteen. Good. Eighteen's good.
Twelve. Sixteen.
Twenty-one.
I'm telling you, baby, you always double down on an .
- Well, obviously not always. - Always, baby.
I'm just saying not in this particular case.
- You always double... - I lost, okay? How could you say "always"?
- Lady has . What would you like to do? - Um, I hit.
- Fifteen. - I don't know what to do here.
I'll hit again.
Seventeen.
Okay. I'll hit there. Okay.
- Twenty-one. - Oh, my gosh! Twenty-one!
I got it! Oh, my heavens. Thank you!
Whee!
Would you like to have some breakfast this morning, ma'am?
Oh, I really shouldn't. But then again, it's a good idea. I'd love it.
- Thank you so much! - Why not? By all means.
- Take this ticket in with you when you go in. - Oh, thank you!
- They'll fix you up. - You'll fix me up.
That went plenty nice, baby. You're up bucks.
You know, I mean not counting what happened on the first table.
- Thanks for clarifying that. - I'm down too, Mike.
- Yeah? What'd you lose? - I don't know what I dropped.
Let's see, I dropped probably or...
Don't give me that shit. You know exactly what you lost. What'd you drop?
Twenty, all right? But I was down at least fifty. I'm sorry. I got lucky on the craps table.
You shouldn't be sorry. You're a winner. I'm the fuckin' loser.
- I'm the one who should be sorry. - Baby, don't talk that way.
Could we just go, please? Could we go?
Baby, look at me. Look at me.
You're money. And you know what else? You're a big winner tonight.
- I want to leave. - You're a big winner.
I'm gonna ask you a simple question, and I want you to listen to me.
Who's the big winner here tonight at the casino? Huh?
- Mikey, that's who. Mikey's the big winner. - Okay.
- Mikey wins. - What a fuckin' asshole.
Fine, I'm an asshole. But you know what? You're the big winner tonight, Mikey.
- You're the big winner in more ways than one. - There you two are.
I walked around for an hour with that stupid scotch on my tray.
We got knocked out pretty fast.
- Ah, a couple of high rollers like yourself? - Can you believe it?
- I'm gonna get you that scotch. - You know, forget about it.
- I didn't even want it. I just wanted to order it. - Can I get you something else?
I mean, you really shouldn't leave without getting something for free.
Why ruin a perfect night?
Listen, um, bring a single-malted, uh, Glengarry for me...
and one for my boy Mikey here.
And if you tell the bartender to go easy on the water,
then this -cent piece has your name written all over it, okay?
I want you to run along, 'cause I'll be timing you.
I'm gonna keep time. One, two, three, four.
- What an asshole. - Baby, that was money. Tell me that wasn't money.
- That was so demeaning. - She smiled, baby.
- I can't believe what an asshole you are. - No, baby, she smiled.
- She was smiling at what an asshole you are. - No, no, no, no, no.
- She was smiling at how money I was, what I did with her. - Could we get out of here?
- I'm not gonna pay for a room. - Mike, what the hell do you want to get out of here for?
- The honey baby's bringing us a cocktail. - What, are you nuts?
- You think she's coming back here? - I know she's coming back.
Did you hear what she said? "You shouldn't leave without getting something for free. "
Baby, she wants to party. She wants to.
I'm tired. We should just go.
Baby, this is what we came for. Now, we met a beautiful baby, and she likes you.
- She likes you. - Whatever. Daddy's gonna get her to bring a friend.
Now, I don't care if I end up with her or one of her beautiful baby friends.
It's just I been... I been out of the game for so long, man.
- It's been like six years. - Listen, it's hard, I know. I been there myself.
Not for six years or anything, but I've been there.
Not for six years or anything, but I've been there.
The best thing you can do is just get back out there.
It's just I... I'm not attracted to them. I keep thinking of my girlfriend.
Then I'm trying to, like, maintain a conversation with them.
Mike, do you even think I know what the hell they're saying to me half the time?
I don't know if they're talking about how hard it is to be adopted...
or how their dad can't show 'em affection.
All I do, man, is stare at their mouth and wrinkle my eyebrows,
and somehow I turn out to be a big sweetie, okay?
Take this girl here. She's a waitress in Las Vegas.
But I bet somewhere inside of her there is a very, very special dream.
And no matter how hard I try, I won't...
Hey, there she is, the most special lady in town, right?
- Yup. - What time do you get off, uh, Christy?
- : . - : great.
- Two Glengarrys down, easy on the water. - Fantastic.
Uh, listen. Why don't you call a friend and have her meet the three of us...
- at the Bamboo Lounge at : ? - You got it.
- All right? - Sure. Hey.
That was so fuckin' money. That was like the Jedi mind shit.
See, that's what I'm trying to tell you, baby. Girls love that kind of stuff.
They don't go for the sensitive shit.
You start talking to 'em about, uh, you know, puppy dogs and ice cream.
They know what you want to do. What do you think? You really think they don't know?
- No. I know. - They know what you want, baby. Believe me.
When you pretend it's just like a waste of their time.
You're gonna take 'em that way eventually, right? Don't apologize for it.
It's just that I get this thing where I want to be a gentleman and I wanna show respect.
Oh, Mike. Respect, my ass.
What they respect is honesty.
Look, you see how they dress when they go out, right? They want you to notice 'em.
All you're doin' is letting them know that it's working. Get off this respect kick.
There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you're money...
- and that you wanna party. - You ready to order?
Yeah. I'll have a coffee... Two, uh, two coffees.
And it says, uh, here, "Breakfast anytime. "
That's right.
I'll have the, uh, pancakes and the, uh, age of enlightenment, please.
And for you?
Oh, um, let's see, I'll have the, um, the Toucan.
- Over easy. - I'll be back with the coffee.
All right, great. Nice, baby.
Renaissance. It went over her head.
I should have said renaissance. Age of enlightenment. I...
Oh, God! Like a Las Vegas waitress is gonna get an obscure French philosophical reference?
It's like I'm trying to show off to her.
I may as well have just said, "Let me jump your ignorant bones. "
Don't even sweat her. We're gonna meet our honeys soon.
- You know Christy's friend is gonna be money. - It's to.
- We gotta get out of here. - Baby, will you relax just for a minute here?
Excuse me. We have... We're in a little bit of a hurry.
Hang on, Voltaire.
- I get paid for loving - Hmm
Loving all the time
- How're you doin', guys? - Hey, boys.
- We almost gave up on you. - I'm sorry we're late.
- There's, uh, no clocks in this town anywhere. - No harm done.
- This is Lisa. - Hi.
- I'm sorry. I never got your name. - I'm Mike.
- Mike. - This is Trent. We call him Double Down.
- Trent. - Stop right there.
- Ladies, don't you always double down on an ? - Always.
- No matter what. Like splitting aces. - Whatever.
- Hi, Lisa. I'm Trent. It's nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Lovely, uh, make-up job you have there.
- Oh. Uh, Lisa works at the MGM Grand. - I'm a Dorothy.
Oh, Lisa's a Dorothy. That's great. That's great.
Well, we're not in Kansas anymore.
So, uh, what do you guys do?
Well, I'm a comedian.
Um, do you ever play out here? I'd love to see you sometime.
- No. - Why not?
Well, there are, uh... You know, it's just different circuits.
- It's hard to explain. You wouldn't understand. - Who's your booking agent?
She... She knows...
Actually, I don't have West Coast representation as of yet.
Oh, who's your representation back East?
I didn't... I sort of freelanced on my own, kind of found my own things.
- 'Cause I... - So what do you do, Trent?
- I'm a producer. - Oh! Cool!
That's great.
I'm really not supposed to drink here.
We should go someplace else. How's my place?
- Yeah, that's great. - Yeah?
- All right? - Yeah, we... Yeah, sure.
- Right. - Because if you can't drink here...
- Then you can't drink. - Why not?
- That'll be great. - Okay, great. Let's go.
You were in Acapulco Beach?
We watch that all the time.
- No, no, no, no, wait. - Yeah, yeah.
The worst was when I went in for this Afterschool Special, right?
So I'm sitting in the waiting room,
and there's all these little kids, uh, sitting in the waiting room with me.
And I see that all the kids are signed in for the exact same role as me.
- They're auditioning for the same role as you? - Right.
So, uh, I check the time and the place. I'm where I'm supposed to be.
I call my agent up. She says, "Trent, they asked for you specifically. "
- What was the thing? - I don't know what it was. It was "Drugs are Bad. "
"Jenny Eats Something. " Whatever. It's Afterschool Special bullshit.
- Right. - "Jenny Eats Something. "
The role I'm reading for is "brother. " I'm reading for the part of "brother. "
Big brother or little brother?
- Just brother, man. Just brother. - No.
Just brother, right? Finally I get to go in and meet everyone, right?
Mikey, I'm telling you, I was money.
It's a starring role. I practiced for a week.
So I'm reading with the casting director and, girls, I literally start crying.
- No. - I swear to God.
The casting director who's reading with me kinda gets caught up in the vibe.
- She starts crying. - Oh!
- Yeah, I swear to God. Swear to God. - Wow.
So now she's crying. I'm crying.
We're both kinda crying, but not the kind of crying that's like...
But the kind of crying that's like we're trying not to cry.
Do you know what I mean? Like we're not trying to... Whatever. It was very cool.
So I finished reading with her.
I finally hold up my finger, like give me a minute here.
- Right. - Like give me a minute.
More than that, 'cause I'm in it. But like I'm broke.
Give me a second here. May I have a minute?
So I put down my head, and the whole room sits in silence...
for at least five minutes.
- Swear to God, five minutes. - Whoa!
I look up, everyone rips up in applause.
The whole room is rip-roaring clapping it up for me, for big T, right?
Everyone in the room is sitting there tearing their face. They're crying their eyes out.
The guy working the camera, you know, just filming it? Got tears in his eyes.
- Not the camera guy. - I swear to God, the camera guy.
Not so much from my reading, although it had a lot to do with it,
but, really, he had his own things going on.
So the producer starts to talk to me.
He says, "Trent, when you walked in this room,
I didn't see Trent Walker come in here. "
He said, "I saw big brother come in here. " Fuckin' great, right?
He says, "You walked in with the role, you nailed it, you're great. "
- So give me the fuckin' part. - Exactly. Right?
Then he says to me... He says, "Trent, I gotta be honest with you.
I think that it might be that you may be just a little bit old...
for the role of brother. "
So I felt confident, 'cause I gave a good read.
I say to him, "Well, how old exactly is the role of brother?"
- Here it comes. - 'Cause I'm tall.
- Here it comes. - But I look young, Mike. Do I look young, girls?
Yeah, you do.
So he says to me... I swear to God he says this to me with a straight face.
This fucking guy. "Eleven years old. "
- And you said "double down. " - Double down.
Because you know why? Because you make it happen on the bets.
He's great, isn't he?
But the truth of the matter was, you saw my picture, you saw my tape.
You know I'm years old. Why did you call me in?
- Wow. - That's your great bit.
Well, we all have stories.
- Wow. - Yup.
Uh, how rude of me. I never... I never gave you the... the tour.
Come on home, girl He said with a smile
You don't have to love me and let's get high a while
But try to understand Try to understand
- Ohh - I'm gonna check on my boy.
Ohh, try
Try to understand
Try, try Try to understand
He's a magic man
I'm sure she'll call.
I mean, six years is a long time.
- You don't just break it off cleanly after six years. - But she did.
- And she's with somebody else now. - Already?
- Yeah. - Oh, you poor thing.
- You know what? It won't last. - Why not?
- It's a rebound. - We were a rebound and we lasted for six years.
Well, yeah, but how long was the relationship she was rebounding from?
Six years.
Uh, can I check my messages real quick?
- I have a calling card. It won't cost anything. - Yeah.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, sure. The phone's in the back.
- I'm not ruining tonight, am I? - No, it's okay.
- Are you sure? - Yeah. Oh, I understand.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
T.
Trent.
Trent.
I need to, uh, u...
No. I gotta... I gotta use... I gotta use the phone.
- You can check 'em tomorrow. - I need to use the phone.
Okay? I'm sorry.
Hold on.
I'm sure I... They weren't in there that long.
I don't think we're interrupting anything.
I have a calling card.
So it's a ... it's a number.
- Six years? Oh, poor thing. - I know.
- And you know what he said? - What? What?
- And I believe him. - What?
- He said, "I just want her to be happy. " - He said that?
- It's so sweet. So sweet. - That is so sweet.
- Oh. - I know.
I'll make some coffee.
Mmm.
Did she call?
- Oh! - Oh, Mike, I'm so...
Oh, God.
That's so bad. I'm sorry.
It's gonna be okay.
She asked me what I was thinking about. Did you want me to lie?
You didn't have to get into it, baby.
I'm sorry about interrupting you guys.
Oh, don't worry about it. I just wanted you to have a good time, that's all.
- Christy was nice. - Yeah, I really didn't like her that much, to be honest.
- Why not? - I don't know, man. She just... She didn't really do it for me.
What'd you think of that, uh, Dorothy girl?
The whole Judy Garland thing kinda turned me on.
- Does that make me some kind of a fag? - No, baby, you're money.
- I don't think she liked me anyway. - Mike, I'm tellin' you, man.
- She thought you were money. - I don't think so.
I heard 'em both talking. Both those girls thought you were money.
You're a good friend.
Look, you take yourself outta the game.
You start talkin' to 'em about puppy dogs and ice cream,
of course it's going to end up on the friendship tip.
I just don't think she liked me in that way.
Baby, you are so money, and you don't even know it.
Look, T, the girls don't go for me the way they go for you, okay?
- Michelle went for you, right? - That's different.
- Why? How is that different? - We were younger. It was college.
You didn't go to college. You don't know how it is. The girls are young, they drink.
- They don't know any better. - Do you know how stupid that sounds?
Listen to me. Your self-esteem is low right now because she's with somebody else.
But talkin' about it and thinkin' about it all the time, it's depressing.
It's no good, man.
I just need a little more time.
Why, so you can sit around your stuffy apartment beating yourself up over it?
- Remember the first week after she told you? - Don't remind me.
Huh? Couldn't even leave your place.
You know, you just sat around your stuffy apartment,
sitting there, drinking orange juice, feeling sorry for yourself.
Now look at you, man. Right? I mean, you got a part in a movie.
- A day. - Whatever, Mike. It's work. You understand?
You're doing what you love to do. What the hell is she doing now?
Selling scrap metal.
Okay. And this guy she's seeing, what the hell does he do?
- He drives a carriage. - What?
I heard he drives a carriage around Central Park or something.
Oh, Mike, please! You're the fun-lovin', outgoing party guy,
and you're sweatin' some lawn jockey.
and you're sweatin' some lawn jockey.
Jesus Christ! I'm tellin' you, man.
You're better off without this girl. You gotta trust me on this, Mike.
- All right, buddy? - Stop talking. Shut up.
Okay, I'm gonna try. I promise you I will shut up if you shut the hell up.
- We're gonna make this work. - You're damn right you're gonna try.
Let's get home.
- I'm a man of means by no means - Los Angeles.
King of the road
I know every engineer of every train
All their children and all of their names
And every handout in every town
Every lock that ain't locked when no one's around
I seen trailers for sale or rent
- I don't think I'm gonna take it. - Look, it's a gig.
This is definitely a step back for me.
There's not much of a call for Shakespeare in this town.
There's just something about being Goofy, all right?
Any other Disney character would be fine. Mickey? Mickey's an icon.
- Why does it have to be Goofy? - What do you want? You're tall.
How am I gonna tell my parents?
I still haven't told them I didn't get the series.
You tested over a month ago. I'm sure they figured it out.
It's like, "Mom, hi. I didn't get that pilot.
By the way, I'm Goofy. Send more money. "
Hey, Rob.
You notice I didn't mention her once today.
- I didn't want to say anything. - Oh, yeah? Why?
Ah, it's kind of like not talking to your pitcher in the middle of a no-hitter.
- What do you mean? Like you didn't want to jinx it? - Kinda.
I don't talk about her that much.
- I didn't mention her once today. - Tend the pin.
The only reason I mentioned her at all was to tell you I'm not gonna talk about her anymore.
- I thought you'd appreciate that. - I do. Good for you, Mikey.
- Get there. - Play it out.
- I decided to get back out there. - Good. Glad to hear it.
- Can't make any more excuses for myself. - Excellent.
Do you wanna hit the town tonight?
Uh, I shouldn't. It's a weeknight.
- You got a Pluto callback? - Yeah, kick me when I'm down.
- All right. Count 'em up. - How many strokes?
One, two, three...
- Eight, nine. - What'd you get?
- Eight or a nine. - I'll give you an eight.
- What did you get? - I got an eight.
Dead heat after one hole. It's turning into quite a rivalry.
You better replace the pin, Chi Chi. The natives look restless.
You bitch! You bitch!
Chelios steals to Roenick.
- Money! - Bitch!
Sue, why is Gretzky on his ass again?
- Gretzky's a little bitch. - God, this is such bullshit, man. This is bullshit!
The Kings suck in this game. You should play another team.
- I took the Kings to the Cup. - Yeah, against the computer with the offsides off.
- They're a finesse team, bro. - They're a fuckin' bitch team. Score... Oh!
You bitch! What a fuckin' bitch!
- Watch out, motherfucker. - No, you do not fuckin' hit my elbow.
It's not even so much me as it's Roenick. He's good.
Oh, is that right?
- Chelios steals to Roenick. - You bitch!
Score Chicago! Ohh!
- That was pretty. - Such fuckin' bullshit!
But that was pretty, Sue. Check this out on the instant replay.
- Dude, do not... - You said it was fuckin' bullshit. Check it out.
Look at it!
- Look at it! - I don't want to!
Why do you think they put the instant replay in the fucking game?
- God, you're unbelievable. - So you can see if it's bullshit.
- I am unbelievable. Look at it. - Every goal you're gonna watch the instant replay?
- Come on, man, I want to fuckin' play. - I want him to learn it.
- I never get to play. - You should practice this when I'm not here.
- Just fuckin' move it. - When I'm not here, will you practice this?
- Wa, wa, wa, wa. - We'll play some more. He likes to get scored on.
- Set the game up. - Great times.
- Yeah? - Better play defense.
Okay. Yeah, it's on the fourth floor. The elevator's broken, okay?
Dude, it's Pink Dot. Would you buzz him in? Hit nine.
I wish they still had fights in this game so I could bitch-slap Wayne.
- They don't have fighting anymore? - Doesn't that suck?
Why'd they get rid of the fighting? It's the best part of the old version.
Kids were hitting each other or something, man.
But you know what, Mike? You can make their heads bleed on this one.
- Make somebody's head bleed. - No, we're in play-offs.
I'm gonna make Wayne Gretzky's head bleed for super fan number here.
Mikey, get the door?
- Yeah, give me some money. - Why do I have to give you money?
Give me some fuckin' money. I'm not paying again.
Jesus Christ. Pause the game.
- Dude, I'm about to do my thing with the thing. - Pause the game!
- I got fuckin' Wayne. - Pause it!
All right, I'll pause it. Jesus Christ. Like you scored all day.
- How much do you want? - Just give me some money.
Okay, fine. Take my last . Here. Jesus fucking Christ.
There it is, Mikey! Check it out. His head's bleeding.
Mikey, check it out. His legs... Little Wayne's legs are shaking all over.
- Fucking bitch! What did you do that for? - You're the fucking bitch!
- What the fuck are you... Why did you un-pause it? - Come on, man.
- C'mon, peaches. - Get the fuck off me.
- I'm not kidding. - You know what? Look at you. Look at you.
- You wanna kiss me. Look at you. - Get the fuck off.
- Get off! - Look at you right now.
- Get the fuck off me! - You're fuckin' makin' me sick! You want to kiss me!
Hey, hold still. Hold on. It's the fuckin' Pink Dot guy. Hold on.
Hey, Mikey! Mikey, is he cute?
- Is he brown? - Maybe he'd like to come in and join us for a cocktail.
- Is he polite? - Is he a brown man?
If he's polite, have him come in. If he's polite, let him in. Is he clean?
Have him come look. Have him take off his shoes.
Michael, is he clean? I want to see him!
Michael, I want to see him. Don't let him go! Don't let him go.
Get off. I'm serious. Don't fuckin' do that shit.
Oh, he got away from us. I'm sorry, Michael. Was he nice?
You guys are assholes. Eat, eat, you fuckin' jackals.
- Oh, yeah. - Nice.
- What time is the party tonight? - It starts at : .
- Everybody'll get there around : . - So, what, : ?
- Midnight. - Midnight.
I'm gonna bring an old friend from back home. He just moved out here.
- Who, Rob? - Yeah, you know him.
Yeah, he's cool. You'll like him. He's a rounder, Rob.
- What does he do? - Uh, he's trying to be an actor.
- What a surprise. - How novel.
So the party started at : .
Why are we going to a bar at : ?
To grab a drink before we meet the guys for a bite at : .
Where is this place?
For some reason the cool bars in Hollywood have to be hard to find and have no sign.
It's kind of like a speakeasy kind of thing. It's kinda cool.
It's like you're in on some kind of secret, you know?
You tell a chick you been someplace, it's like braggin' that you know how to find it.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'll get a Dewars on the rocks. What are you getting?
- Uh, Budweiser. - A Dewars on the rocks and a Bud.
God, I can't believe the women in this city.
It's like the hottest one percent from... from all over the world...
come to our gene pool.
Darwinism at its best.
- Yo, Mikey, what's up? - Charles! How you doin', man?
- Ah, you know, man. You know. - You get that pilot?
Nah, man. I know you didn't. Otherwise you wouldn't be askin' me, right?
- That shit wasn't funny anyway. - Piece of shit.
Charles, this is my friend Rob from back East. He just moved out here.
- My pleasure. - How you doin', man?
This is Charles. We went to network on a pilot.
- Oh, yeah, I tested for one. - A month ago.
- How'd your folks take it? - Actually, I haven't heard an official "no" yet.
Oh, so you haven't told them yet.
That's all right, man. I still haven't told my folks I didn't get Deep Space Nine.
You figure they'd figure it out by now, right?
- But Moms keeps asking me. - Boy, does it hurt when they ask.
I don't even tell them about anything I'm close on anymore.
Not 'til you book it. You know, you might get cut out.
I'm considering taking a part as Goofy.
- Well, at least it's Disney, right? - Yeah.
Look, we're going to, uh, we're going to this party in the hills.
Some modeling agency. Beautiful babies. You want to come with?
Yeah, why not? This place is dead anyway.
Let's go.
No, no, no, no, no. Now, you got to admit...
that the Steadicam shot in GoodFellas was the money.
The basement of the... the restaurant, the Copa in New York.
- Through the kitchen, Mike. - I heard it took them four days to light that shot.
Four days? I don't know about four days.
- Well, that's what I heard. - They have to hide all the lights.
Jesus, that must've cost a fortune.
That's nothing. You know how much money my man spent on that Vegas movie?
Wait. You gotta be nuts to shoot in a casino.
All right, ready. Mean Streets?
- That's the dope. - Dude, dude. Reservoir Dogs.
- Oh, stop with that fucking Reservoir Dogs. - Which one?
The one right in the beginning where they're walking in slow motion, man.
How can you even compare the two, man?
Tarantino completely bites everything from Scorsese.
- It's true. - He's derivative.
You know what? You gotta admit that did look money.
I heard they did that whole thing for under ten grand.
I don't know what the big deal is. Everybody steals from everybody. That's movies.
Let's get the hell out of here if we wanna make this party.
Pick up the pieces Uh-huh
Pick up the pieces All right
Pick up the pieces
Pick up the pieces
Whoo
Pick up the pieces
Pick up the pieces
Pick up the pieces
Uhh Oh, suki, suki
Hey Uhh, come on
- How you been? Good to see you. - Hey, good to see you.
- So who threw this party anyway? - Damned if I know.
- Beats me. - Hey, I came with you.
Nice.
- Sue! - What's that guy's name again? Sue?
Sue. Yeah. His dad was a big Johnny Cash fan from what I understand.
- Oh, right, right, right. The song. - Yeah, "A Boy Named Sue. "
So I think that's why he's such a mean cat.
- That guy? - Oh, he's a bad guy.
He don't look it. He's... No, he's mean. I seen him in a fight once.
He had a guy and was fuckin' smackin' his head into the curb, like his mouth.
Just fuckin' smash. His teeth came out. Just fucking, wha, wha, wha.
Fuckin' blood came out of his fuckin' mouth. It was nasty, man.
- Nice guy, though. That guy's cool. - Hey, big Mike.
Hey, how're you doing? What are you doing here?
- Marty invited me here. - Oh, yeah? Cool, cool.
Thrill me, baby I need you
- She looking at me now? - No.
- How 'bout now? Is she looking over here now? - No.
What about now? Is she looking now?
No, she's not looking at you, dude. Will you quit asking me if she's looking at you?
- She hasn't looked at you... Wait, she just looked. - See what I'm sayin', man?
You understand?
I got some friends I wanna go meet. I'll talk to you later.
- Nice to see you. I'll give you a call. - All right. Take care.
- All right, man. - Who's that?
I don't know, man.
- You know, there's so many beautiful women. - Unbelievable, dude.
- Unbelievable. - Okay, I gotta try once.
- You're a better man than I am, Charlie Brown. - I have to.
- I made a promise to myself. - Go. Go for it.
I have to get out there sooner or later, right? So I gotta go now.
- Okay, you're gonna be my wing man? - I'll be your winger.
Hi. Uh, how are you ladies doing this evening?
What do you drive?
E- Excuse me?
What kind of a car do you drive?
Uh, Cavalier.
See what I mean? It's the same old shit all the time.
It's... It's red. I have... It's a red Cavalier.
That's nice.
- How are you guys doing? - It's on, Mike. It's on.
- Yeah? Which one? - Uh, Groucho.
With the cigar?
- She's cute, man. - Jesus Christ.
What's wrong?
- Mike, you just looked right at her. - Come on, she didn't notice.
- Yeah, she did. - I better go in early now.
- I'm sorry, man. I didn't know. - Don't sweat it, Mike.
It's gonna be a lay-up.
- - What a winnin' hand
- Uh... - How're you guys doing?
- Not well. - What, rejected?
"Shaqued. "
Just watch old T-bone there and learn.
She's a brick house
My whole life people have told me I have this star quality.
- Have they? - Well, I don't know if it's true.
But, well, this one time... this is really stupid...
- But in kindergarten, you know... - It's all right.
You know how you have those little crushes? I had this crush on this guy Lee.
He was really cute, and he wore Lee Jeans. They said "Lee. "
Anyway, I really liked him. And then one day he told me I was ugly.
I started crying, and my teacher was, like,
"Deidre, you are so emotional. You are so dramatic.
You should be an actress!"
- It was, like, that's it! I should be an actress.
And you know what? I can cry on cue.
- Yeah! Well, totally. - Uh-huh.
Well, that's really been sort of my thing, you know. It got me into Juilliard.
And the agent said to me afterwards that he thought...
he really was reminded by me...
of Tina Yothers, you know, from Family Ties.
And he said I looked just like her.
She's the one, the only one Built like an Amazon, Yeah
Was that money or what?
Kind of a dick move, if you ask me.
Why, baby? What'd I do wrong?
- You asked a girl for her number and you tore it up. - She didn't see that.
- It doesn't matter. - That was pretty cold, dude.
What was so cold about it?
Right.
See, man, you can't roll with that. She's business class.
- Business class? - Big butt. You know, can't fly coach?
You guys are terrible.
Gentlemen, out of Glenfiddich.
- What else is going on? - Could hit the Dresden.
Perfect.
Well, this place is dead anyway, man. Let's do it.
What do you say, man?
You can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a woman's man No time to talk
- Hi, friends. - The music's loud and women warm
I've been kicked around since I was born
Now it's all right, it's okay You may look the other way
- You can try to understand - New York Times' effect on man
Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother
We're staying alive Staying alive
Feel the city shaking and everybody's breaking
I'm staying alive Staying alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha Staying ali-ive
Ahh, ahh
Yeah, I know what you're saying, man. I just don't know what to tell you.
I mean, does it have to be Goofy?
You know, I was Hamlet two months ago Off-Broadway, and I was good.
- Yeah. - Wow!
- Someone got out of school early today. - They like our vibe.
- Oh, it's on. - It's definitely on.
Feel the city shaking and everybody's breaking
We're staying alive Staying alive
- Ah, ha, ha, ha, staying alive Staying alive - God bless you guys.
Ah, ha, ha, ha Staying ali-ive
Ahh, ahh
Hi, can I get a Dewars on the, uh, Dewars on the rocks?
- I-I can't even get this guy to notice me.
You're laughing at me? That's funny to you, huh?
Great. Good. Great day.
I- I'm sorry. I shouldn't.
- Let me make it up to you. - Hang on, Nick.
That's pretty... They know you around here, huh?
Uh, hi. I'll have a Dewars on the rocks, please.
And some more olives for... for our little friend here.
Do I know you? I mean, where do I know you from?
Um, you ever been to the Ha-Ha Hole on Pico?
- Hmm, no. - No? You're sure? Monday nights, open mike?
- I host an open mike there. - Hmm, no.
Oh, you're... you're a comedian.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a dream, you know. It's a lot of hard work and travel and, uh, hotels.
I have a new booking agent, though, so I'm part of the whole Vegas circuits.
The money's pretty good. I might buy a car, I think. You know, a foreign car.
Treat myself. I figure I worked for it. Why not?
I know where it is. Starbucks.
I served you an espresso at Starbucks.
Espresso. An espresso. Yes, that's my drink. That's probably it.
That's great. Isn't that funny?
You came in and asked me for an application.
And then I took you and introduced you to my manager.
Must've been a while ago, 'cause right now I have a booking agent.
'Cause I've been... I have a booking agent now that I've got.
- No. - Yeah.
- It was about two weeks ago. - It was probably more.
Probably longer, 'cause things have been going very well lately.
I haven't been looking for a job in a while.
It could have been someone who looks like me, 'cause there's a lot of people who look kinda...
- See, I have a face that's similar... - You better pay the man.
Here's the, uh... Here's... Just take this.
I've been doing very well. Thank you. Uh, thank you...
- Nikki. - Nikki. Thank you, Nikki.
Mm-hmm.
- We got digits, baby. - Yeah, what a surprise.
What's wrong with you? I saw you talkin' to a beautiful brunette baby.
She didn't like me, okay? I made a fool of myself.
- Baby, don't talk that way. - You're so money, and you don't even know it.
- That's what I keep tryin' to tell him. - Could you not mess with me?
- Baby, we're not messing with you. - We're not.
You know what you are? You're like a big bear with claws and fangs, man.
- Big fuckin' teeth, man. - Yeah, big fuckin' teeth on ya.
She's just like this little bunny who's just kinda cowering in the corner.
- Shivering. - Yeah, man, just kinda...
You got these claws and you're staring at these claws, and you're thinkin' to yourself,
with these claws, you're thinkin', "How am I supposed to kill this bunny?"
You're pokin' at it, man.
You're not hurtin' it. You're just kinda gently battin' the bunny around.
You know what I mean? And the bunny's scared of you.
- And it's shivering. - You got the fucking claws!
These claws and these fangs! You're looking at your claws and your fangs.
You're thinking to yourself, "I don't know what to do, man.
I don't know how to kill the bunny. " With this, you don't know how to kill the bunny!
You're like a big bear, man.
- So you're not just fuckin' with me? - No, I'm not fucking with you!
- Honestly! - Mike, I'm telling you, you're money.
You're so fucking money.
I want you to go over to that girl and I want you to get those digits.
- You're money. - Come here a second. Listen to me.
Look it, when you go up to talk to her, man,
I don't want you to be the guy in the PG- movie everyone's really hoping makes it happen.
I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know?
The guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet.
You're not sure where he's coming from, okay? You're a bad man.
You're a bad man. You're a bad man.
Bad man.
All right, all right.
See, baby, it's not that hard.
- ? - .
Nice.
- So how long do I wait to call? - A day.
- Tomorrow. - Mm-mmm.
- Tomorrow, then a day. - Yeah.
- So two days. - Yeah, I guess you could call it that... two days.
Definitely. Two days is like industry standard.
I used to wait two days to call anybody, but now it's like everyone in town waits two days.
So I think three days is kinda money. What do you think?
- Two's enough not to look anxious. - Two's enough not to look anxious.
But I think three days is kinda money.
Maybe I'll wait three weeks. How's that?
And tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and I just happened to run into her number.
- Then ask her where you met her. - Yeah.
I don't remember. What does she look like? Then I'll ask if we fucked.
Would that... T, would that be the money?
You know what? Ha, ha, ha, Mike. Laugh all you want.
But if you call too soon, you might scare off a nice baby who's ready to party.
- How long are you guys gonna wait to call your babies? - Six days.
Different, I don't know, schools of philosophy, they all can fight each other.
- I think I like this town. - No, no, gotta go to New Orleans.
Hey, how're you doin'?
Watch where you're going, asshole.
What'd you say, bitch?
I said watch where you're going, bitch.
- Oh, so you want something. - Hey, fucker. Hey.
- Fuck him up. - Smack that fuckin' bitch.
- Yeah, motherfucker. - You got a fucking problem with me, bitch?
Come on! Yeah, I got a fuckin' problem, motherfucker!
- Yeah, come on! - You're the fuckin' bitch, baby!
- Come on, bitch. You little fuckin' pussy! - Come on, punk, do it.
- Slap that bitch. - Roll up, bitch.
- Hey, you're a fuckin' bitch! You're a fuckin' bitch! - You wanna go?
I'll show you who the fucking bitch is!
Huh?
You're the fucking bitch!
Motherfucker!
- What the fuck? - You asshole! Didn't you see Boyz N the Hood?
- Now one of us is gonna get shot. - He ain't gonna do anything.
- You fuckin' asshole. - What a fuckin' dick.
What the fuck did you want me to do, back down? He called me a bitch.
- We kept our rep, bro. - Fuck rep, man. I got a callback tomorrow.
Yeah, I gotta get up early tomorrow.
What the fuck are you carrying a gun for? In case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?
Hey, man, you're not from here. You don't know how it is.
- I grew up in L.A. - Anaheim.
Whatever, man. It's different out here. It's not like New York, Mikey.
Fuckin' A right, it's not like New York. Out here you can avoid trouble.
It's not like you live in Compton, Sue, with bullets whizzing by your head.
You live in a good neighborhood, man. In New York trouble finds you.
- People get carjacked. - Oh, man, who would ever carjack your fuckin' K car?
He's right, Sue. You don't need to carry a gat.
Just 'cause I had the balls to stand up to these guys...
Like fuckin' House of Pain was gonna do anything?
- You like in this fucking fantasy world. - Wha...
What about you, Mikey? At least I fuckin' have balls, man.
You're always whining about some bitch that left you a year ago!
It was six months ago, and she didn't leave me.
Whatever, man! You're like a fuckin' little whiny bitch, man.
Oh, whoopee, you got a number tonight? You're gonna fuck it up.
- Hey, Sue. - No. Have you gotten laid once since you moved out here?
- Have you fucked once? - Why don't you shut the fuck up for a little bit?
I know for a fact that you haven't. You know how I know?
- 'Cause you never shut up about it! - Shut the fuck up, Sue!
- Ah, he's fuckin' right. - Shut up! Hey, Mike, come here.
Mike, come back here! Mike, come back here!
- He was fuckin' pissing me off! - Just shut the fuck up.
Just shut the fuck up. I don't even want to fuckin' talk to you right now.
- I do... - Shut the fuck up!
You have no messages.
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
Hi. Uh, Nikki, this is Mike.
I met you at the, um, at the Dresden, uh, tonight.
Uh, I just called t-to say that I had a great time...
and you should call me tomorrow, or in, uh, t-two days, uh, whatever.
Anyway, uh, my number...
is - - ...
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
Hi, uh, Nikki, this is Mike again.
I just called 'cause it sounded like your machine might've cut me off...
when, uh, when I... before I finished leaving my number.
Anyway, uh... And also, uh, sorry to call so late,
but you were still at the Dresden when I left, so I knew I'd get your machine.
Anyhow, uh, uh, my number's - ...
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
- - . That's it. Just wanna leave my number.
I didn't want you to think I was weird or desperate or...
We should just, uh, hang out...
and, uh, see where it goes.
'Cause it's nice and, uh, you know, no expectations.
So, okay? Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
I just got out of a six-year relationship, okay?
That should help explain why I'm acting so weird. I just wanted you to know that.
It's not you, it's me. I'm sorry.
This is Mike.
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
Hi, Nikki, this is Mike. Could you just, uh, call me when you get in?
I'm gonna be up for a while and I'd rather speak to you in person...
instead of trying to fit it all into...
Fuck!
Hi, this is Nikki. Leave a message.
Uh, Nikki? M-Mike.
It's, uh, uh... It's just, uh...
This just isn't working out.
I- I think you're great, but, uh, I-I...
Maybe we should just take some time off from each other.
It's not you, it's me. It's what I'm going through.
All right? Uh, i-i-it's, it...
It's only been six months...
- Mike? - Nikki! Great!
D- Did you just walk in, or were you listening all along?
Don't ever call me again.
Wow. I-I guess you're home.
Hey, this is Mike. Leave a message after the beep.
Hey, Mikey, it's Trent. You home? You there?
All right, man, I guess you're not home.
Why don't you come out tonight, Mikey? I haven't seen you for two days.
We're gonna play hockey at Sue's house until :
and then we're either going to the Lava Lounge for Sinatra Night...
or we'll be at the Derby for Big Bad Voodoo Daddy.
We might also check out Swing Night at the El Rey.
And if we're not there we'll be at the Three of Clubs, all right?
Otherwise we'll be at the Dresden Room, so come on out and meet up with us.
See you soon, gorgeous.
Hey, this is Mike. Leave a message after the beep.
Mikey, it's Rob. I'm downstairs.
Come on, pick it up and buzz me in, buddy.
Come on, open up.
Thanks, man.
You eat anything today?
Yesterday?
You haven't been drinking, have you?
- Sorry about what happened at the Dresden, man. - Oh, don't worry about it, man.
It's like, now I have my L.A. gun story.
You should hear the way I tell it to the guys back home... it's an Uzi.
- You wanna talk about it? - What's the point?
Hey, it's been two days. You should call that Nikki girl.
Not your type.
I'm thinking of moving back East.
- Well, that's dumb. - What's so dumb about it?
You're doing really well out here, Mike.
How well am I doin'?
I host an open mike; I play a fuckin' bus driver in a movie.
Big fuckin' deal.
I got an agent that specializes in magicians.
How good am I doin'?
Did you get turned down for Goofy?
They turned you down?
Yeah, they went with somebody who had some more theme park experience.
I killed for that job.
The point is, Mike, it all depends on how you look at it. All right?
You're telling me that your life sucks. That means mine is god-awful.
Part of the reason I moved out here is I saw how well you were doing,
and I figured if you could make it, I could too.
- I didn't make it. - You got an agent. You got in the unions.
You know, that's your problem, is that you...
You don't look at the things that you have.
You only look at the stuff you don't have.
Those guys are right about you. You're money.
Then why won't she call?
She won't call because you left.
She's got her own life to deal with, man, and that's in New York.
She's a sweet girl and I love her to pieces,
but fuck her, man... you gotta get on with your life.
You gotta let go of the past, and Mikey, when you do the future is beautiful.
All right? Look out the window.
It's sunny every day here. It's like manifest destiny.
Don't tell me we didn't make it. We made it. We are here.
Everything that is past is prologue to this.
All of the shit that didn't kill us is only...
Ah, you know. All that shit.
You're gonna get over it.
How did you get over it? How long did it take?
I don't know. Sometimes it still hurts.
You know how it is, man. It's like...
You wake up every day, it hurts a little bit less,
then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all.
And the funny thing is...
This is kinda weird, but it's like...
you almost miss that pain.
You miss the pain?
Yeah, for the same reason that you miss her.
Because you... you lived with it for so long.
Let's go get something to eat.
All right. Sure.
You look like shit.
Mikey! What's up, man?
You wanna play again, motherfucker?
I'm glad you came out tonight. It's good to see you.
- You're my problem, you bitch motherfucker! - Come on in.
- Come on, bitch! - You want some?
- Hey, guys! Mikey's here! - What's up, Mikey?
What's up, baby?
- Oh, so you want some? You want some? - You ain't shit!
Roll up, bitch! Roll up! Roll. That's right.
You run. You run, baby.
Blast him! Come on, hit him!
- All right. - Okay, bitch.
- You ready, hip hop? - Uh-huh.
- Come on, man! Let's move it up! - Hey, man.
What are they doing here?
Oh, no, no, it's totally cool, man.
We saw 'em that night at Roscoe's. Trent cleared it up.
I apologized, bought 'em some chicken and waffles. It's totally fine.
They fuckin' love T, man. That boy can talk.
More important, man,
I'm sorry about what I said.
I was out of line. I was drunk, my adrenalin was goin'.
Yeah, you know, whatever. I needed a good kick in the ass.
It was a... I don't know. We're better friends for it. All right?
All right, man.
- Roll up, bitch! Roll! - Come on, let's see it!
- Thanks, man. - Get off me!
I been hatin' myself for the last few days.
- That's all right. I keep it in the zone. - Look, I know what that's like.
- Come on, Superman. - You watchin', New Kids On The Block?
- Yo, Double Down, what time we leaving? - Five minutes, baby.
Hey, Mikey, you should call that girl Nikki. It's been two days.
See if she wants to meet you there.
Hey, Curt.
Aw, we got a line. We got a line.
Hey, what's up, Lisa?
- Let's just take the front. - We don't gotta wait in line.
Come on, Mike.
Hey, hey, Tony. Whadda ya say, man?
- How you doin' tonight? - Hey, Gary.
- What's goin' on? - Hey, Tony, man, how'd the audition go?
- Not happening, man. - Yeah? You look like you been workin' out though.
- All right. - How you doin', man?
Watch the steps. They're greasy.
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight
Hey, whadda ya say, man?
Hey, how's it goin'? What's up?
- Hey. - ¿Que paso?
How you doin', Annie? Good to see you. I'll see you soon.
- Hey, sweetie. - Hola. ¿Como esta?
- Raoul, what's up, man? How's it goin'?
Keep the waters comin'.
My favorite watering hole
I said, hey, Moe How you doin'
Where have you been
He said, I been found buyin' whiskey wine and gin
Man, I know we gotta go
It's the same thing every night
But I don't think another drink is gonna make me lose my mind
So I'll think about my next drink
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight
Come on, Daddy, let's get us a drink.
Swing it, kid!
Yo! Bartender!
And Jack, oh, I know what you're thinkin'
That now's as good as any to start drinkin'
- Hey, Scotty. - Yeah? - What's it gonna be
A gin and tonic sounds mighty, mighty good to me
Well, man, I know we gotta go
It's the same thing every night
But I don't think another drink is gonna make me lose my mind
So I'll think about my next drink
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight
And it's you and me and the bottle makes three tonight
Okay!
- To ladies? - To ladies.
Gin time.
I don't know. I called you Monday.
You called me? Well, who did you talk to? I was home Monday.
It surprises me that you've never mentioned her before, all the times we've hung out.
- You never even mentioned me? - Very pretty girl.
- I totally mentioned her... I totally mentioned you. - I'm sorry. Maybe I don't know.
- Hi, Mike. How are you? - You know what's funny?
- When we... When we played football that day, - Oh, Jesus Christ.
I don't remember you ever leaving long enough to make a phone call to anybody.
This is what happened. She's a nice girl.
Excuse me.
- Hi. - Hi.
- I'm, uh, I'm Mike. - Hi, Mike.
- I'm Lorraine. - Like the quiche.
Yeah, yeah, the quiche. That's a really original joke.
I like quiche. How's that?
Yeah? Well, I thought real men didn't like quiche.
Yeah, well, uh, my reputation seems to have preceded me here.
You're not a real man?
Not lately, no.
Not funny, okay?
- You're fuckin' hurting feelings here. - Hey, it's on. It's on.
- Oh. It's on. - It is so on.
I figured, they make movies in L.A., not in Wisconsin, so I moved here.
Just like that.
- Well, yeah. It wasn't that simple, but... - How was it hard?
I left someone really special behind.
Tell me about it.
- You too? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
- Uh-huh. - Yeah.
- Oh. I thought I was gonna die. - Oh, God.
It's been six months and I'm just starting to get over it now.
Wow, that's two more than me.
- Tell me it gets better. - Oh, it does, yeah. It does.
God bless him.
God bless that kid.
That's great, man.
What advantages, you mean?
Yeah. You said there are advantages to being single.
I just wanna know what the advantages are.
Well, exactly, it's like, you know, you, uh, have com...
If you meet a girl in a bar and talk to her, you don't have to worry if anybody's watching you.
What else?
What? You can do whatever you want, you know.
You grow, go out, anything.
Like, if I met a handsome young man at a bar,
I could just ask him to dance?
If the guy wanted to, yeah.
You don't think he would want to?
Oh, yeah... No, I mean, he would want to with you. Sure. I mean, if he...
Sure. M-M-Maybe it's just that he doesn't feel like dancing.
Would you dance with me?
Okay.
Dude, check it out, dude. I swear to God, it's fuckin' on.
- Dude, it's so fuckin' on, dude. - I know. It's on.
- Give it up for Mike. - Look, I...
- Dude, it's fucking on, dude! - Okay, okay. It's on, dude.
- It's on. To you. - Jesus Christ. I'm sorry.
Thanks.
Go, daddy-o
Go, daddy-o
Go, daddy-o
Go!
Go, daddy-o
Go, daddy-o
Go, daddy-o
All right.
This is it.
Yeah.
- I had a... I had a great time tonight. - Me too.
We should do it again some time.
I'll be around.
That's not gonna be good enough.
I wanna make plans to see you again.
I got a pen in my car.
- Uh, I mean, yeah. Do you have something to write on?
Yeah. Yeah.
Ahh. Oh, you're a comedian.
- Yeah, and an actor. Kind of. - Oh.
Can I come see you some time?
If and when I get a real gig, I'll give you a call.
- How's that? - It's not going too well?
No, when I, uh, I lived in New York they made it sound...
like, uh, they were giving sitcoms out to stand-ups at the airport here.
I been here six months, all I got to show for it is black lung.
Didn't you tell me that I should be patient with my career?
Yeah, but entertainment law isn't something you just jump into.
Well, neither is acting, not if you're serious about it.
- Yeah. - Can I have one of these cards?
- Why? You like the duck with the cigar? - Yeah.
Yeah, it's the logo from You Bet Your Life.
- Nice touch. - I can't believe you got that.
You know, not one club owner got that.
- They all asked me why I got Donald Duck on my card. - They're idiots.
At least it's not Goofy.
Well, I guess I should be getting home. It's really getting late.
Yeah, sure. It's gettin' kinda late, so you probably...
Do you want me to drive you to your car?
- That's my hog right th... - Oh.
No, I'm across the street. Yeah.
- Yeah? Which one? - The red piece of shit over there.
- Yeah? Well, it suits you. - Get the hell outta here.
Okay.
Party, buddy! Yeah! Dig that!
- Will you shut up? - You were great tonight!
There she is!
The wonderful lady. Right? Personality plus, every time I come in here.
Nothin' but smiles for me. Whatever. Here it is.
Dinner at the Apollo. Me and you.
- See that? He's being funny. - Whatever.
I don't have to be liked by everyone. Some don't like me. I don't like certain people.
- Darlin', I think everything looks absolutely wonderful. - Thank you.
- Oww! What the hell are you kickin' me for? - Shh!
Fine, I'll ask her. Ma'am! Where do the high school girls hang out around here?
You were fuckin' off your ass tonight.
- Shh. - Where'd you learn your stuff, man?
- The twirly-whirly... - Shh, just be... Shh. Jackknife, shut up.
I took a ballroom class with Michelle.
She's the only one I danced with 'til tonight. That Lorraine is good.
You are definitely good. Did you even see how she was vibing you tonight?
- Sorry, man. - You coulda hit that if you didn't have to take us home.
- Definitely. - It's not like that.
- Don't give me that shit. I think she likes you. - I know she does.
- I really do! - Shh! Shut up, okay? I know she likes me.
- I just didn't wanna do anything tonight. - You know what, Mike?
- Wait three days before you call her. - You don't have to wait.
- He should wait two days. - If he's smart about it...
Shh! You know what? I have it under control. Okay?
He has it under control.
Well, I guess we don't have to worry about him anymore.
Our little baby's all "growns" up.
- You know what? - Shh! Shut up. Come on.
- Our little baby's all "growns" up. - Why do you have to...
- I'm not even hungry. I couldn't touch it.
Why do you have to make a major production every time we go out and embarrass me?
You know what... Oh, Jesus Christ. That's all I need.
Our little boy's all "growns" up tonight!
You know what, big boy? You're grown up! You're grown up!
Yeah! Dig that!
Is this a fuckin' production for ya?
'Cause you're "growns" up and you're "growns" up and you're "growns" up.
- Jesus. - I'm the asshole in the place. Right? I'm the asshole?
- Oh, God. - I'm outta here, honey.
- I wouldn't eat here... I would never eat here anyway.
I like cake
And no mistake
But baby, if you insist
I'll cut out cake
Just for your sake
Baby, come on and knock me a kiss
Knock me a kiss
- Hello? - Hi, Michael.
- Michelle? - Hi. How's it goin'? It's been a while.
- S-Six months. - How are you doin'?
Uh, fine, I guess.
- H-How are you? - Good.
I, um, I think about things.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
What kind of things?
You know, us.
- I thought you met someone else. - It doesn't matter.
- I think about you every day. - Really?
I miss you, Mike.
Why didn't you call?
I don't know. I mean, I couldn't.
Do you know how hard it is to not call you?
I mean, I pick up the phone every night, whenever that commercial comes on.
- The Michelin commercial? - Yeah, you know, the one with the baby in the tire.
- One time I started to cry right in front of Pierre. - Pierre?
Th-That's his name, Pierre? What, is he French?
No, he's not. Listen, it's a whole other headache and I don't want to talk about him.
I, um, I called 'cause I heard you might be moving back to Queens.
I, um, I called 'cause I heard you might be moving back to Queens.
- Yeah. Hang on a second. Let me get rid of this.
- Hello? - Hi, Mike?
- Lorraine! - Are you on the other line?
- Yeah. Oh, hang on a second... - I could call back.
No, no. You hang on, okay? I want to talk to you.
Just hold on. Hello?
So I heard you might be moving back to New York.
Yeah, I don't think that's going to be happening just yet. Um, can I call you right back?
Um, well, I'm going out of town for a week and the cab's on its way.
Can't you just talk to me for five minutes?
Look, there's somebody holding on the other line. I have to take this call.
I really want to catch up with you, but, um, I have to take the call.
So just... Uh, I'm gonna call you back when you get back into town.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Is that okay? - Yeah.
- Really? You sure? - It's all right. All right.
- All right, bye-bye. - Good-bye. I love y...
- Hello? - Hi. Oh, you didn't have to get off of the other line.
- I would've called you back. - No, that's okay. I wanted to talk to you.
You know, I really could... could've called you back, but...
Anyway, I probably should have waited two days. That's what my friends said.
But... God, I sound like such a schoolgirl. It's just, they have this thing, okay?
It's at The Room. It's Sinatra's birthday.
And it's one of these Hollywood clubs and there's no sign.
Uh, I don't understand why... why they don't have any signs.
It's just I'm really bad at this.
I just want to know if you might want to go with me.
- So, uh, you hung up on which one? - Michelle.
- You hung up with your girlfriend. - Ex.
- Oh, now she's your ex. - She was always my ex.
Yeah, right.
- You hung up with her? - I wanted to take the other call.
- What'd she say when you called her back? - I didn't.
- You didn't call her back? - No.
- Why not, Mike? - It didn't occur to me.
Didn't occur to you.
It didn't.
You been, uh, tearing yourself up about this girl for six months.
Didn't occur to you?
No.
Well, Michael, I'll bite.
You know, man, I didn't understand it either. It's all so hard.
Then it hit me on the way over here, you know, like a ton of bricks.
It's just so simple.
- When you... - Dude, dude, wait a second.
I'm getting vibe like in a really weird way here.
This girl's looking at me like she knows me a little bit.
- You don't recognize her? - Mike, I don't know.
I could've been out with Sue one night drinking and told her I was a race car driver.
No, I think I would remember this girl.
I don't think I've ever met her before. I would definitely remember this one.
She got a lot of confidence, man. She's doing like...
- Wow. - What's going...
Mike, stop, stop. Stop, all right? Just stop.
She's playing a little game, like a fun thing with me.
Come on, you little party girl. That's it. Come on. Fun little games?
You want to play fun little games? Come on, you nasty little, cute little baby.
- What are you doing? - Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. Stop. Don't. Don't, don't.
She's smiling at me. She's playing fun little baby games.
She don't know me. She doesn't know my address. You know my address?
You little... Oh, you... Hold on.
She's coming over, dude. Play it cool. She's coming over.
She's like the wild loony. But I threw, like, the great vibe at her, the funny vibe.
You'll see.
- Shit. - Mommy's big boy.
We're going bye-bye now. Yes, we're going bye-bye.
We're gonna go home, gonna play with Daddy.
So, um, so you called her up, right?
Or you didn't call her. Why didn't you call her? You said you didn't call her.
Why didn't you call her? Mike?
Mike?
I never cared much for moonlit skies
Never winked back at fireflies
But now that the stars are in your eyes
I'm beginnin' to see the light
And I never went in for afterglow
Or candlelight on the mistletoe
But now when you turn the lamp down low
I'm beginnin' to see the light
I used to ramble through the park
Shadowboxin' in the dark
Then you came and caused the spark
That's a four-alarm fire now
I never made love by lantern shine
I never saw rainbows in my wine
But now that your lips are burnin' mine
I'm beginnin' to see the light
I never cared much for moonlit skies
I never winked back at fireflies
But now that the stars are in your eyes
I'm beginnin' to see the light
And I never went in for afterglow
Or candlelight on the mistletoe
But now when you turn the lamp down low
I'm beginnin' to see the light
You know, I used to ramble through the park
Shadowboxin' in the dark
Then you came and lit that spark
That's a four-alarm fire now
And I never made love by lantern shine
Never saw rainbows in my wine
But now that your lips are burnin' mine
I'm beginnin'
Mm, to see the light