Voila! Finally, the 13 Going On 30
script is here for all you quotes spouting quotes spouting fans of the movie starring
Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of 13 Going On 13. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Move it, dorkus.
Okay, I think you're next. I'll take your ticket.
Come right around this way. Keep your back straight.
Put your books down on your lap.
Now, look right up at the camera, okay? Nice smile. Here we go.
Let me focus right over here. Okay. Get you in.
That's good.
Swing around this way just a little bit, Gina.
- It's Jenna. - Look over here, Gina.
It's Jenna!
Oh, God.
Oh, no.
I've had enough already.
Hey, Jenna.
Matt, please. No more pictures.
Come on. It's your 13th birthday. We gotta document it.
- Hi, Tom-Tom. - Hey, Jenna.
Hi, Beaver. How's everything at the dam?
- So how'd yours come out, Rink? - Not so good.
Yeah, mine aren't so hot either.
- Tom-Tom, yours are great! - Yours are the best.
God, you're so photogenic.
I'll meet you out front.
Do whatever you want. It's not like she needs a play-by-play.
- Freakazoid. - See you.
Jenna, could I talk to you a tiny sec?
I told Chris Grandy me and the Six Chicks were going to your party.
- And he said he wanted to come with. - Really?
Yeah, it's too bad we can't make it, because we really wanted to.
- Didn't we, girls? - Totally.
- So, so much. - We're so sorry.
Miss Measly's up our butts with this group project...
...and Chris is gonna help us out...
...so I guess he can't come either.
- I could write your report for you. - Fabuloso.
You know, I can't believe you invited those clones.
They're my friends.
Six Chicks are not your friends, okay?
Well, almost. And someday I'm gonna be a Six Chick.
There's six of them. That's the point. There can't be a seventh Six Chick.
It's just mathematically impossible.
You're cooler than they are. They're unoriginal.
I don't wanna be original, Matty, I wanna be cool.
- Want some Razzles? - Razzles are for kids.
Exactly.
- Arrivederci. - Au revoir.
- Hey, sweetie. - Happy birthday!
Tell us about your new life as a teenager.
What did you do? Are you wearing a bra?
- Go away! - Oh, honey, what's wrong?
Wayne. Self-image.
- Jenna, it's going to be all right. - It is not, Mom! Look at me!
- This is not okay. This is fatal. - It's not fatal, honey. It's realistic.
I hate my life.
You don't look like girls in Poise magazine...
...but you're beautiful in your own way.
I don't wanna be beautiful in my own way.
I wanna look like these people.
Oh, those aren't people, honey. Those are models.
"Thirty, flirty and thriving. Why the s are the best years of your life. "
I wanna be .
Well, you will be, honey.
But right now you're my beautiful -year-old.
- Happy birthday! - Oh, my God.
This is just part one of your present. I got something else to give you later.
What is it?
You know how you always wanted a Barbie Dream House?
Well, I decided to make you your own Jenna Dream House.
- You made all this? Oh, Matty. - Yeah.
See, that's you in your bubble bath, reading your favorite magazine.
And there's your bedroom, with a massive stereo...
...and every record ever made.
The good ones.
And there's that bum Rick Springfield loafing on the couch.
And there I am, to make sure the creep keeps his hands to himself.
Oh, almost forgot. Wishing dust.
It says, "This wishing dust knows what's in your heart of hearts.
It'll make all your dreams come true. "
They're here.
What do we do?
Oh, my God. Matt, I'm just gonna put this away, okay?
So there's room to dance.
Put some music on.
Dad, you promised you were gonna stay upstairs. Go!
Hi, guys. The party's downstairs.
Fabuloso.
- What is this? - I'm not sure. It's Matt's.
Sorry, Beave-head. Majority rules.
Narrow, man. Narrow, hopeless people.
- Freak. - Robot.
I'm gonna go next door and get my Casio.
Do whatever you want, Matt. It's not like I need a play-by-play.
See you, loser.
Hey, I have an idea, girls.
Let's play Seven Minutes in Heaven.
You can go first, because you're the birthday girl.
How does that one go, again?
Well, you go in the closet, and some lucky guy's gonna go in there...
...and do whatever he wants with you for seven whole minutes.
And guess who wants to go first.
- Who? - Chris Grandy.
- No way. - Way.
Before I forget, where's our project proposal?
- On the table. - Thanks.
Remember, no peeking. Keep that blindfold on.
And just so you know, Chris loves going for second base.
Let's go. I think I can get my brother to buy us some beer.
- I got the cheez doodles. - Wait, give me that drink.
Thank you. Leave it, George. Come on.
- What's going on? - Jenna's waiting for you in the closet.
I thought you weren't gonna come.
Where are you?
Oh, Chris.
- It's not Chris, it's Matt. - What are you doing here?
- Where's Chris? - He's gone. Everybody left.
- What'd you do? - Nothing!
- Yes, you did! - I just went to get my Casio!
- Get out! - Wait! Jenna, let me talk to you!
- Get out! No! - Jenna, please, just come out!
I hate you! I hate me! I hate everybody!
- Jenna, what are you talking about? - I wanna be !
Just let me play you this song, okay? It'll make you feel better.
I wanna be . Thirty and flirty and thriving.
Thirty and flirty and thriving.
Thirty and flirty and thriving. Thirty and flirty and thriving.
Thirty and flirty and thriving. Thirty and flirty and thriving.
Thirty and flirty and thriving.
Mom?
Mom?
Dad?
What is happening?
Oh, what is happening? What is going on?
"Jenna Rink. "
"Jenna Rink. Jenna Rink, Jenna Rink. "
I live here.
- Hi. Sorry we missed your call. - Dad?
Well, not that sorry, because we're in the Caribbean.
So we'll be back on the th, so call us then. Have a good day.
You went on a cruise without me?
Oh, this is a dream. This is a really weird dream.
- Hey, sweet bottom! - Oh, my God.
I know you're there! And my parents are totally gonna be home any minute!
Hey, where's the conditioner?
- You're naked! - Well, not yet.
You could join me if you want.
Sweet bottom!
Can you hear that music?
Jenna? Can you hurry up a little bit, please?
He made a commitment. Jenna? Can you come over here?
I don't care if you have to grab him by his testicles...
...I want him in New York in hours.
He needs to be at the party. Hold on a second.
- Get in the car. - I don't get in the car with strangers.
Get in the car. We're gonna be late.
- I don't know you. - Just get in the car.
- Not with strangers! - You're being paranoid.
Sweet bottom! Don't make me come down there and grab you.
Lucy Wyman. He has my number. Could you please get in the car?
- Jenna! - We are gonna be late.
Look, he made a commitment. He has my number. My name is Lucy Wyman.
Just go away!
Honey, I know I'm your best friend, but the slip dress is a little ' .
- Unless it's retro. - Are you really my best friend?
- You're pregnant. - Oh, no! Oh, my God, no!
Thank God. You scared me. What did you do last night?
See, that's the thing. Something really strange is happening.
I slept in an apartment I've never seen before...
...and there was a naked man in my shower and I saw his thingy.
Oh, God. Not his thingy.
Driver, could you please pull over, since we're here?
- Stop! - Wait. I don't wanna get out of the...
I don't think you're listening. Wait, hang on.
Wait, listen to me. I'm .
If you're gonna start lying about your age, I'd go with .
Wait! I know it sounds strange, but some weird dream is... Like that!
Do you hear it? Did you hear that?
Would you stop being ridiculous? It's probably just Richard.
- Who's Richard? - You drink too much.
Richard, your boss.
Brown, curly hair. British. Richard.
- Hello? - Hey, sweet bottom.
You. You. Put on your pants and stop calling me "sweet bottom. "
- Look, baby... - And get out of my house!
Who is that?
I don't know his name. I don't know what's happening.
Okay, Jenna. Jenna. Just calm down, okay?
We have a meeting in minutes. I'll tell you what to do. Repeat after me:
I am Jenna Rink, bigtime magazine editor.
- I am? - Repeat it.
I am Jenna Rink, bigtime magazine editor.
I'm a tough bitch.
- Say it. - I am a tough bitch.
I'm gonna walk into that office, I won't let anyone know I'm hung-over.
But that's not the point. I'm not hung-over...
I'm gonna walk into that office and not let anyone know I'm hung-over.
Because the future of Poise depends on me.
Poise?
Oh, jeez.
Poise magazine. Thank you.
Good morning, Miss Rink, Miss Wyman.
- Good morning. What's her name? - Who cares?
Jenna. Please don't yell at me, it's not my fault.
They need a decision right now.
- Just pick one. - That one.
Love. Knew it. Genius.
Eminem's on the phone. He wants a decision now.
Plain.
Peanut. Plain.
There's the dynamic duo! I trust my executive editors are late again...
...because they were out promoting us at parties.
- You got it, Richard. - Richard. You're my boss.
That's right, baby. Who's your daddy?
Wayne Rink.
Morning.
Two words: summer, Saint Barts.
Oh, you're not gonna go to Fire Island this summer?
- Are you insinuating I'm gay? - It's a joke.
Is there anything else you need from me, Miss Rink?
You mean like a favor?
Sure. Like a favor.
- I need to find this guy in New Jersey. - Okay.
I have his number.
- Arlene, will you leave us, please? - Sorry.
Jenna's a little hung-over today.
Rough.
Okay, children.
I wonder which one Holly Housewife is going to go for.
The Oth or the th secret?
Seven months in a row now they scoop us.
I mean, it's like they've got Sparkle-cams hidden in all our walls.
Richard, we're installing passwords.
We're building firewalls on all the computers.
- Jenna fired Charlotte yesterday. - Did you?
I guarantee she has friends at Sparkle. She always took notes.
- She was a secretary. - Yeah, whatever.
Our party tonight is now huge.
We need to make an unequivocal statement...
...that Poise is still hot and happening.
Now, we need a newsstand circ analysis done immediately.
I also strongly suggest we take apart our F.O.B., overhaul the B.O. B...
...think about new heads, decks and slugs. Jenna, what do you think?
Can I go to the bathroom?
It's the naked guy.
"Jenna, girl, margaritas anytime. Love you, Madonna. "
I'm friends with Madonna?
Here are your messages.
And your mother called from Barbados.
My mom called? I wish you'd told me.
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Rink.
I thought you said never to bother you with family calls.
- I did? I said that? - Please don't fire me.
No, no, I won't. It's not your fault. I forgot that I said that.
Next time my mom calls, let me know.
Yes, ma'am.
Oh, I have that information that you asked for.
Matt!
The phone number you gave me was his parents'.
I told them that I worked for Visa and he's in a lot of trouble.
You lied to the Flamhaffs!
He's in the Village. Bank Street, apartment B.
- Which village? - The... Greenwich Village.
Oh, right. Cool.
Wait! Should I cancel your : meeting?
Sorry.
Excuse me?
Sir?
Hello?
Yeah, yeah. Hello. Yeah.
Hi, this is Jenna and I'm looking for Matt.
I don't know if you're him, but if you lived on Spruce Street...
...and if your favorite shirt is a gray velour one, I need to speak to you.
Hello? Hello? Hello? You know what? I got none of that.
If you're here from Ming Gardens, ring twice. If not, I really don't want it.
You're not Chinese.
- Matt? - Yeah.
You're tall. You're different.
- Yeah. - You don't know me?
That's weird, because yesterday you were there.
No, it wasn't yesterday, because I'm not .
- Jenna. - Yes!
- Jenna Rink. - Yes! Matt, it's me!
- Hey. - Oh, Matty!
Come on in.
You still take pictures?
Yeah. You know, it pays the bills.
Hey, Jenna, what are...? Why are you here?
Matty, I told you. Something really weird is happening.
Yesterday was my th birthday and then...
And then today I woke up and I'm this.
And you... I mean, you're that. You get it?
Are you high? You been smoking pot? Doing X? Falling into a K-hole?
- Are you doing drugs? - No. No. Look...
...I was sitting in my closet and I skipped everything.
I mean, it's like a weird dream. I can't remember my life.
You need to help me remember my life.
- Me? I can't do that. - Why not?
I don't know anything about you, all right?
I haven't seen you since high school.
- What? - We're not friends anymore, Jenna.
- Matty, you're my best friend. - No.
Okay. It's cool.
- It's cool. - Is it warm in here?
It's... Maybe I should open a window.
I need fresh air and a glass of water and a fluffy pillow.
Have a seat. I'll get you some... You want a glass of water?
- You want ice in that? - I want a fluffy pillow!
A fluffy pillow, coming right up. Sorry.
You all right?
Jenna, I think you should go back to your apartment. I'll help you find it.
We went separate ways. We went to different colleges, different careers.
Well, what about Christmas? Didn't you wanna see me then?
I think I saw you through a frosted window once, six years ago.
- Six years ago? - Yeah.
Wasn't I home last Christmas?
I don't know. Doesn't your crowd do Saint Barts for Christmas?
I don't know.
Is this you?
Yeah. This is where I live now.
Okay, so nice seeing you.
Good luck.
- Okay? - Okay.
- Bye. - Bye.
Matt.
Who is Saint Bart?
The most depressing years of my life. Our high school yearbook.
Matt, was I a Six Chick?
Yeah, you were pretty much their leader.
There's Tom-Tom. I wonder what happened to her.
Last I heard, you were still good friends. I think you even work together.
Lucy. Oh, my God, yes.
She's Lucy Wyman now. She looks so different.
Yeah, she's pretty big into the whole plastic surgery movement.
- I was the prom queen. - Yep.
- And I went with Chris Grandy. - Yep.
Oh, this is incredible. I can't believe it. I got everything I ever wanted.
Yeah, Jenna, you got it all. Congratulations.
It's your phone.
- Hello? - Hi, Gramercy calling to confirm...
...your limousine pickup for : this evening.
My... Yes, my limousine for : .
I will be prepared to take my ride at that time.
Oh, can you tell me where I'm going?
- The Palace, Wall Street. - Thank you.
I'm going to a party in a limo!
Great. Looks like you're back to your old self. I should probably go.
- You don't wanna go to the party? - No, I gotta work. Thanks.
Shoot, I forgot you have a job.
- It's kind of cool we both have jobs. - Totally.
Well, if you decide you want to come, it's gonna be fun. Wall Street.
Okay, great. Thanks, Jenna. Bye-bye.
Matt.
- Yeah. - What if this isn't just a dream?
What if what I wished for actually happened?
Then you got everything you ever wanted. You might as well enjoy it.
All right, Jenna.
- Matty. - Yeah.
- Arrivederci. - I'll see you.
- Matt. - Yeah.
Au revoir.
- I'm Jenna, by the way. - Yeah, I know. I'm Becky.
How old are you, anyway?
- Thirteen. - Me too.
Used to be.
Why are you talking to me?
- Why not? We are neighbors, right? - But you usually ignore me.
- I like your shoes. - Thanks.
I like your dress.
It's because I've got these incredible boobs to fill it out.
- I like your bag. - Thanks.
You should come by sometime. I've got a zillion of them.
- Really? - Yeah, it'd be totally cool.
Hey, Becky?
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah, sure.
Can you tell I'm wearing underwear? Because I totally am.
I think that's kind of the point.
Try it. It's soft-shell crab.
Thanks.
Hi, Tom-Tom.
Oh, God, no one's called me that since I had my nose job.
- You had a nose job? - Yeah, and yours is better.
Anything to drink, ladies?
- An apple martini. - Can I have a lemonade, please?
Oh, wait. Make it a pina colada, not virgin.
Do you wanna see my ID? Totally have it.
There you two are.
Lucy, very nice.
Sort of a dangerous mermaid look.
And you... Barbie meets Britney.
You look just "scrum-didlee-umpcious"!
I know. I mean, thank you.
Everybody Wang Chung tonight, right?
Here you go.
Thank you.
- I'm sorry, it's late. - We're keeping you up, are we?
It's only : . Stay a while.
It's : on a school night and I'm at a party. It's so cool.
It's : and people are leaving. This is a disaster.
It is?
Speaking of disasters, what is she doing here?
- Who? - Sparkle's editor in chief, Trish Sackett.
Twelve o'clock and headed our way.
Hi, girls. Our J. Lo issue is selling like hotcakes. How's yours doing?
My God, are things so bad you had to come to our party to eat free food?
Put some crab in your purse for later.
You might want to keep some of that biting wit for your magazine.
Or you could change the name to something more appropriate...
...like Poison or Pitiful. Whatever's more pathetic.
You know what?
You are rude and mean and sloppy and frizzy. I don't like you at all.
Well, fortunately, I don't care about being liked.
- I care about winning. - This is delicious.
Ladies.
Do I smell?
Do I have bad breath?
- Am I malodorous in any way? - No.
People seem to be running for the exit like someone set off a stink bomb.
I don't smell anything.
I think he means the party is a stinker.
A dud. A flop. A zero on a scale of one to .
Maybe if somebody played something else.
- Something with a melody. - Play whatever you want.
All I know is if those people don't start dancing really, really soon...
Here's to early retirement.
Matty! Matty, come here.
- Hey. - Matty, come here.
"Thriller. " Matty.
Me? No, no, no, no. Take that thing away.
- "Thriller. " Come on. - No way.
Come on, man! Go!
Jenna, no way.
Come on, let's go.
I don't remember those moves.
I haven't done this in years. What are you, crazy?
Tear it up, dude!
- Come on, Matty. - All right, all right.
Okay, here we go.
Go, Arlene!
Come on, let's go! Let's go, Jenna!
Go, Richard!
- Jenna. I'm sorry, I gotta go. - What do you...?
- I'm sorry. - Wait. Don't.
Matt.
Groove on, baby!
I adore you!
- Miss, wait! Miss, wait! - Your credit card. Your credit card!
- Thank you. - To being .
- I've decided it's gonna be awesome. - Of course it is.
You're thin, you're hot, you can get any guy you want, "biatch. "
Not to mention, biatch, the hottest magazine editor in the world.
Second hottest.
- Tied for first? - Deal.
And speaking of hot...
Mr. Hotty behind you is totally scamming on you right now.
He is not. He's totally cute.
- Should I go talk to him? - You're not married.
Good.
Hi.
Could I borrow your ketchup?
Sure.
I actually came over here...
...because I think you're really cute.
- So do you wanna go out sometime? - Yeah. Can you drive?
Time to go. What, do you wanna go to jail? I meant that guy.
The man? Oh, gross.
No more daiquiris for you tonight.
You can never find a taxi in this neighborhood.
Oh, my God. It's the naked man.
- Hey, beautiful. - He thinks I'm beautiful?
- Well, he should. He's your boyfriend. - My boyfriend?
Why is that lady asking for my boyfriend's autograph?
Thank you so much.
He may not be the best New York Ranger...
...but he's the Ranger with the best ass.
Jenna?
- Oh, my God. Matt. Hi! - Hey.
How are you?
I'm sorry about the other night.
- Beaver, is that you? - Hey, Tom-Tom. How are you?
You lost all your baby fat.
- How does the Beave stay warm? - Yeah, it's good to see you again too.
I almost didn't recognize you. Did you get a nose job?
I can't believe you're here. What're you doing?
I'm... I'm actually... I'm doing some shopping with my...
Jenna, this is Wendy, my fiancee.
- I'm Jenna. - Matt told me about...
...his blast from the past. It was really sweet of you to stop by.
Matty's the sweet one. I don't know what I'd have done without him.
- I'm sure you'll be fine. - Are you a photographer too?
I see you guys have spent so much time talking about me.
- Wendy's an anchorwoman. - Anchorperson.
I do the weather for WWEN in Chicago.
Matt and I were just talking about him finally joining me in the Windy City.
- You're moving to Chicago? - We were just discu...
We haven't really... Is that Alex Carlson?
Jenna, sorry. Sorry I'm late.
Well, hi.
- Hey. Who are you folks? - Hey.
I'm sorry. This is my good friend Matt and this is his friend, Wendy.
- Fiancee. - Right. So weird. And this is...
You're Alex Carlson. Nice to meet you. You're a great hockey player.
- I'm a big fan. - Thank you.
You want me to sign your shirt or your forehead? Now, I don't do butts.
I'm just joshing you. Sorry.
I crack a lot of jokes after we win, on account of I'm in such a good mood.
Okay, well, we should probably get going.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to see you folks.
Nice to see you folks. Bye.
You mind if I steal her from you for the night?
Nope. I actually had my eye on something better inside...
...so I'll see you guys later. Have a good night.
Excuse me one second. Lucy?
Should I go to his place alone?
Yeah. Why not? Go play. You deserve it.
Play. You mean like games and stuff?
Yeah, games. All kinds of games.
I couldn't wait to see you tonight.
You wanna play a game?
- Do you have Battleship? - Yeah, I have Battleship.
I'll show you my destroyer.
- I call the red board. - Well, I call the blue board.
What?
Okay. I know. I forgot.
I owe you one raunchy striptease.
Oh, God.
Oh, gross.
Who's got the moves on the ice and off the ice, ice, baby?
Wait! Wait! Wait! I don't wanna see that thing again. Put it away.
Put it away!
God.
We can play Monopoly! We can play Parcheesi!
He didn't have Battleship. He didn't have any games.
Boys are so stupid.
Becky, it's even worse than you think.
How come the ones that you like never like you?
Well, you have to fight for what you want. Rule number one:
Love is a battlefield.
That's deep. Really deep.
- Good luck with fractions. - Have fun at work.
To the office, Tom.
"Fifty-seven ways to have an orgasm. "
- I didn't know there were . - "Touch-her-there underwear. "
No.
"He loves you, but... "
- "He loves your butt. " - Yes.
- "He lies, he cheats... - So typical.
...what are you doing wrong?"
There's no easy way of saying this, so I'm just gonna come out with it.
The circs are in. Our numbers are dismal.
We're below total circulation. Sparkle is closing in on a million.
I've come off the phone with corporate and they have dropped the R word.
Redesign?
Redesign Poise?
Wait. Sparkle copies everything we come up with...
...and we have to redesign? That's bullshit.
Well, either we redesign and bring up our numbers or they pull the plug.
Richard, redesign is a death sentence.
No, it's not. It's a chance to have some fun.
Let Sparkle have all our secondhand, stale, grody ideas.
We'll open up the F.O.B., overhaul the B.O.B.
It's time for us to prove we have some poise left.
Well, I shall be leaving it to my dynamic duo...
...to come up with something utterly fabulous.
We have two weeks, four hours and minutes.
- I have your urgent messages. - Let's hear them.
Well, okay.
Emily Pratt called and wanted me to tell you:
"I can't believe you scooped my story on Vivienne Tam, you backbiting bitch.
That was a new level of sleaze, even for you.
I hope you die in one of her casual pantsuits. "
Oh, my God, that was so mean.
Miss Lewis called. She said, "I hope you choke on your own bile...
...you pretentious, conniving snake. "
- Maybe I should read them myself. - Good.
Oh, great.
- Miss Rink's line. - Put that little bitch on the phone now.
Please don't take that tone. I'm just her assistant.
Tell her to call Todd.
"Sweet bottom, you seem uptight. Let me come over and give you my... "
- Yes. - Alex is on line one, Miss Rink.
Oh, gag me. Can you please tell him I'm busy?
Okay, but he wants to know what time would be good for dinner.
How about in zillion years? Ask him how that works.
- Okay, I'll ask. - Okay.
- Yeah? - I'm sorry to bother you again.
- Pete Hansen is here to see you. - Who?
Tracy from the art department's husband.
Oh, okay. Sure.
I was just dropping off Tracy's lunch, thought I'd say hello.
You brought Tracy her lunch? That's so sw...
What are you doing?
What's wrong, pooky?
"Pooky"?
Pukey. You're married, and to a girl I work with.
Well, that didn't stop us from rattling some desk drawers loose last week.
So come on. Lie down and take a memo.
Listen, hire the best photographer, and I don't want Jenna to find out.
- No. Roger that. - Okay?
God, what is up with her lately, anyway? I mean, she seems so lost.
I have no idea. I'm getting so sick of having her around...
...with this crazy new act she has going on.
You know how she stole Charlotte's idea and then fired her?
I say we go ahead with our own presentation...
...and let her fall on her ass.
Oh, God, yeah.
Okay, you're not Cajun.
- Wanna go for a walk? - Sure.
I still can't believe you're getting married.
In two weeks.
Is she your soul mate, Wendy?
My soul mate? I don't know if I believe in those. I think that's kind of naive.
But you get goose bumps when you're around her...
...and butterflies?
No, I haven't gotten crazy like that about a girl since high school.
Matty.
What...? What happened to us?
I mean, how come we never stayed friends?
I don't know. I forget.
No, what happened?
I don't know. I can pretty much peg it to your th birthday party...
...when you were playing that game. Spin the Rapist?
Seven Minutes in Heaven. Everybody ditched.
And that is the last thing I remember.
We don't have to get into this. It's a long time ago.
- It really doesn't matter anymore. - It matters to me.
Just tell me.
You came out of the closet...
...and I started to sing my birthday song to you.
And then you picked up and threw at me...
...with impressive force, I might add...
...the dream house that I spent three weeks building for you.
And then you just stopped being my friend...
...and you never spoke to me again after that, ever.
I'm so sorry.
Forget it, Jenna. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter.
Matt, stop being so nice to me. I don't deserve it.
Do you know what kind of person I am now?
Do you know who I am right now? I...
I don't have any real friends. I...
I did something bad with a married guy.
I don't talk to my mom and dad.
I'm not a nice person. And the thing is...
...I'm not anymore.
Jenna.
Behind you.
Oh, it's good to be home.
- Daddy. - Jenna?
What in the world?
- Sweetheart. - I missed you guys so much.
Are you all right?
Mom.
Do you ever wish you could go back...
...like to another time?
I wouldn't mind giving back some of these wrinkles.
Okay.
If you were given one do-over, anything in your life, what would it be?
Nothing.
- Really? - Really.
But did you ever make a big mistake?
Or a huge one that could change your life? What about that?
Well, Jenna, I know I made a lot of mistakes...
...but I don't regret making any of them.
How come?
Because if I hadn't have made them...
...I wouldn't have learned how to make things right.
I'm sorry I missed last Christmas.
Carrie, I'm heading out, okay?
I'm so exhausted.
- Jenna's working late. - She has been.
- Hey. - Hey.
I was gonna stop by your office. I tried to call you a bunch of times.
- I didn't get any messages. - I was in a hurry.
But I did try to reach you.
I actually wanted to talk to you about this whole redesign thing.
I hope you don't mind, but I've been working on something on my own.
It's really last-minute.
- I hope you don't mind. - No, of course not...
...because I'm doing the same thing.
- Hey, Jenna. - Hey.
Someone's got a big photo shoot going on.
- Yeah. - What's happening?
- Did you bring them? - Oh, yeah, I got a few.
- What are you doing? - I'm hiring you.
Actually, Poise is hiring you for the week.
Here.
This is the first half. The rest when we finish.
I could really use this, but you don't need to do me any favors.
I'm asking you to do me a favor. I love your work.
I hope you'll do this with me.
You know, I've seen your magazine. My stuff is not your style at all.
Exactly.
Who gets Francis?
There we go. Okay, let's do it.
Up, up!
- Okay, everybody. - Okay, everybody, climb up there.
Lots of energy.
- All right. Nice. You're the real deal. - Keep up the flag.
All right. Jenna, this is your class of .
All right, guys. Ready?
Very good. Very good.
- They're beautiful. - Yeah, they came out okay, huh?
- I think so. - Yeah.
- Do you? - I do, yeah.
Yeah, it's getting late. I should get home.
It's getting pretty late here.
You know what I wish I had right now?
No, what?
Razzles.
Razzles?
I haven't had Razzles...
...in years. - Remember...
...they're both a candy and a gum. - That's incredible.
I can't believe they had them. Okay, don't waste a minute.
It's been a long time. Careful.
Yeah.
What are you laughing at?
I don't know.
Life. Timing. Being here with you, eating Razzles.
I've had a really great time working with you this week.
- Me too. - And everything.
Yeah.
Hey, Matty.
Tell me something.
What color is my tongue?
- What? - What color is my tongue?
It's red. I don't know. Red.
"Red" red? Or tongue red?
Razzle red.
- Show me yours. - What?
- Your tongue. I showed you mine. - I'm not showing you.
Show me your tongue. I showed you mine.
- I didn't ask to see yours. - Matty, I need to see your tongue.
Razzle red.
You wanna know a secret?
Yeah.
You're the sweetest guy I've ever known.
I bet I can still beat you off the jump.
Whoever goes the furthest, the other owes a drink.
- An Orange Julius. - Upping the stakes.
And dinner Friday night at : ...
...at the th Street Diner...
...to celebrate our redesign being chosen.
Deal. One.
- Two. - Two.
- Three! - Three!
Are you okay?
I should've tucked and rolled.
I'm getting old.
No, you're not, because that means I am.
Well?
- Hey. - Yeah?
You got arm hair.
It's never quite got that reaction before.
It was like it wasn't even me.
Like I had just...
...watched us down below, kissing.
Then I just floated home on a cloud.
That is so romantic.
- Look. - You've got goose bumps.
I totally know. They won't go away.
Do you love him?
Duh.
When will you see him again?
I don't know, actually. I don't know if I can.
- What? Why? - It's complicated.
It's a grownup thing.
Well, at least you have someone to dream about.
Guys don't wanna jump your bones when you're a metal-mouth.
What is that attitude? We are young.
Heartache to heartache, we stand.
Love is a battlefield.
But I like it like this, with freckle girl and the dog.
- These photos are unbelievable, Jen. - Okay, here's the dog.
- Francis is the dog's name. - Okay. What do you think?
Well, I think I'm gonna start reading Poise for the first time in my life.
No, I got a place I rent in Brooklyn.
That'll work? All right, I'll see you then. Bye-bye.
Hey. I wasn't expecting to see you...
Wendy. I thought you were flying in tomorrow.
What, are you expecting someone else?
No. Hi.
I wanna take you to lunch. Hungry?
Yeah, yeah. What a surprise.
Okay, where do you...?
- How was your flight? - It was good.
You can take pictures of vitamin bottles anywhere.
And I was just thinking that we should try to resolve this now.
Instead of being a commuter couple during our first year of marriage.
What?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Could you...? I missed that.
- Arlene, do you have any more...? - Jenna.
My balls, excuse my French, are in an iron vice.
Corporate are twisting like a bunch of dominatrixes on steroids.
Now Lucy's presenting her own redesign. Tell me what's going on.
What is going on is you will have more choices.
All respect to Lucy, I'm more anxious to know what you're working on.
- Thank you. - I'm not complimenting you...
...I'm trying to pressure you.
How long until your balls get totally squished?
Hopefully never. I'm really rather attached to my balls.
Can they hang in there till ?
Jenna, you are not yourself at the moment.
Since when do you keep me out of the loop? I'm really freaking out here.
- The rest of the prints are ready. - Goody. Hang in there.
Why does nobody listen to a word I say?
Arlene, aren't you coming?
Oh, you're invited, are you? Okay, bye-bye.
Oh, no, excuse me. Go ahead.
You know, what am I? I'm just the...
...editor in chief. Whatever.
We've gotta go to rd, please, between th and th.
- It's West rd. - You got it, lady.
The new and improved Poise will explore the last frontier.
It will go heroin chic one better.
It will OD.
It will kill.
Cause of death? Chicness.
The new Poise will go farther than any fashion magazine ever before.
It will be deadly serious.
Fashion suicide.
So, what do you think?
Thank you, sir.
- How much time do we have? - We have two minutes. Hurry.
Jeez. Such a bitch.
I know this is different.
I mean, from anything we've ever done.
And I know you might hate it and think I'm completely crazy.
But I won't care, even if I get fired.
And I don't mean that disrespectfully, it's just that I've realized something.
Who are these women?
Does anyone know?
I don't recognize any of them.
I wanna see...
...my best friend's big sister...
...and the girls from the soccer team.
My next-door neighbor.
Real women who are smart and pretty and happy to be who they are.
These are the women to look up to.
Let's put life back into the magazine.
And fun and laughter and silliness.
I think we all... I think all of us wanna feel something...
...that we've forgotten or turned our backs on.
Because maybe we didn't realize how much we were leaving behind.
We need to remember what used to be good.
If we don't...
...we won't recognize it even if it hits us between the eyes.
I just...
Bravo!
Brilliant.
We will present this to corporate first thing tomorrow morning.
- So who's this mystery photographer? - Matt Flamhaff.
Is he Arthur or Martha?
Matt. He's Matt.
No, no. Is he gay?
Are you gay?
- City and listing? - Manhattan.
Sparkle magazine on Park Avenue.
- Sparkle magazine. - Trish Sackett, please.
Jenna, I'm sorry to barge in on you like this, but I really have to talk to you...
Hey, Beaver.
I mean Matt. I'm sorry.
Old habits die hard, you know.
Fine. Is Jenna around?
Are you here about your photos?
No, actually, I'm not.
I guess I should just tell you...
...that Jenna's decided to go in a different direction...
...with a more established photographer.
She's gonna use the guy who shoots the official photos of her sweetie pie.
So don't take it personally, because there's just a little bias.
I'm sorry to be so honest with you, because...
...I think your pictures are really cute.
It was nice talking to you.
Hey, Matt. While I've got you here, do you wanna sign a general release?
Maybe we can use your pictures in a catalog.
Fine.
Hi.
- Jenny, right? - Jenna.
I was looking for Matt.
I wanted to tell him some really great news about his photographs.
Everybody loved them.
That's great. I'll tell him when he gets back. He's out getting his tux.
- His tux? - I know. Men.
Everything's the last minute.
I mean, hello. We're getting married tomorrow.
This'll be the cutest little backyard wedding since I don't know when.
- Congratulations. - Thanks. I'll tell Matt you stopped by.
- Okay. - Bye.
We wanna feel something again that we've forgotten.
Because we didn't stop to notice how much we were leaving behind.
We need to remember what used to be good.
You ready?
The meeting's cancelled, Jenna.
What, until tomorrow?
It's over.
It's over?
Lucy...
She took all your designs to Sparkle. Everything.
She's their new editor in chief.
Your photos showed up in Sparkle Online last night.
They're in outdoor ads everywhere.
She can't take Matt's pictures. Those belong to us.
- She can't do it! - She can, and she is.
She got him to sign this.
Lucy, you stole Matt's pictures.
Oh, which one do you wanna be today, the pot or the kettle?
If you don't mind, I'd like to be the pot.
Maybe the kettle. It doesn't really matter. They're both black.
- What are you talking about? - I found this in your office yesterday.
Does it look familiar? It has your name on it.
- You went through my things? - Oh, give me a break.
How horrible. How terrible. I can't believe I did it.
What is this?
You can wipe off the "Bambi watching her mother get shot...
...and strapped to the back of a van" look from your face.
I talked to Trish Sackett yesterday.
It's okay, Jenna. I know all about your little deal.
It's a sweet little deal, actually.
Editor in chief if you help them hit a million copies?
- So you'd give them tips. - Oh, my God.
Not bad. I just wish I would have thought of it.
- Oh, no. - Oh, yes.
Only, now I'm taking your job, you stay here with the magazine...
...you single-handedly flushed down the toilet.
What about Matt?
Why did he sign this? What did you say to him?
Let's see. I think that I told him...
...you had decided to go in a different direction.
Which you are now.
I might have told him something else, too, but I just can't remember.
George Washington Bridge, New Jersey.
Jenna.
- Jenna Rink. - Yeah?
Chris Grandy.
So, what are you doing? Are you married?
Because if you're single, I definitely want a number.
We could get together.
I'm still living at home...
- Come on, Grandy! Come on. - Holy Christ!
This is the tune we first tangled tongues to.
What's the dude who sings this?
- Rick Springsteen. - It's Springfield, Grandy.
I'm out of here.
I thought you wanted my number.
I'll take these.
Good afternoon.
You remember, Wayne.
It was with the Flamhaffs at San Ysidro Ranch.
San Ysidro Ranch.
It's so pretty. It's perfect. It looks great.
Hi.
Hey.
I don't know what Lucy said to you about me, but I want you to know...
...that whoever that was she was talking about...
...wasn't me.
It doesn't matter what Lucy said.
I stopped trusting her after she stole my Pop Rocks in the third grade.
Matt.
I am not the awful person that I know that I was.
I don't even know that person.
And I'd like to believe...
I have to believe that if you knew that...
...if in your heart, you really, really knew that...
...you wouldn't be getting ready to marry someone now.
Unless that someone were me.
Jenna, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I have felt things...
...these past few weeks...
...that I didn't know I could feel anymore.
But I have realized in these past few days...
...you can't just turn back time.
Why not?
I moved on.
You moved on.
We've gone down different paths for so long.
We made choices.
I chose Wendy.
That's her family down there.
We care about each other, you know?
You don't always get the dream house, but you get awfully close.
Please don't cry, Jenna.
Oh, I'll be fine, I promise.
Matty, can I have it?
Please?
- You're not gonna whip it at me? - No.
Look, I won't have you be late. Just go.
Go on. I'm fine. I'm just crying because I'm happy.
I want you to be so, so happy.
I love you, Matt.
You're my best friend.
Jenna, I...
I've always loved you.
Jenna's waiting for you in the closet.
Matty.
You really know what you're doing.
Come on.
- Sorry, I forgot my scarf. - You know what?
You can be the pot and kettle all by yourself from now on, biatch.
Come on, Matt.
- What did you call me? - We're gonna be late.
- For what? - You'll see.
A Razzle, Mr. Flamhaff?
Thank you, Mrs. Flamhaff.