The Tao Of Steve Script - Dialogue Transcript

The Tao Of Steve Script

  

  







- We shouldn't be doing this, Dex. - Trust me. It's going to be over soon.

 



 

There's Ed.

 



 

Hey!

 

- Bill, this is my wife, Beth. - Nice to meet you.

 

Dex, you remember Bill? Back at the seminar?

 

Yeah, yeah. Good to see you.

 

Would you excuse me for a second?

 

- Sure. - Don't leave without saying good-bye.

 

- I won't. - All right.

 



 

Chris?

 



 

I almost didn't recognize you. Looks like you put on one or two pounds.

 

Yeah, one or two hundred.

 

Wow.

 

I think it's-- Wow. It's cool that you became a priest.

 

Do you mind?

 

Oh, yeah, sorry, man.

 

I thought about being a priest. Maybe not Catholic, like Episcopalian.

 

They can have sex.

 

I'm really not comfortable talking here.

 

Right. I want to say that it's cool you get to...

 

hang out with God all day.

 

I don't exactly hang out with God.

 

I teach. I counsel. I work with the homeless.

 

Yeah, absolutely.

 



 

I think it's great that you do God-related activity all day long.

 



 

- Moral turpitude? - Yeah.

 

Would ever consider being a priest.

 

Actually, I was accepted to divinity school.

 



 

Really? So what happened?

 



 

Like St. Augustine said...

 

" Lord, give me chastity and virtue, but not just yet."

 

I guess some people never change.

 

- Take care. - All right.

 



 

Oh, my God.

 

I can't believe how much weight he's gained.

 

I can't believe you went out with him.

 

He wasn't fat then.

 

He could be really nice sometimes.

 



 

- Nice? - Yeah.

 

You slept with him, didn't you?

 



 

I might have.

 



 

I have a confession to make.

 

- Oh, my God. - You're kidding.

 



 

- What are you doing? - He's hiding.

 

- From who? - From everyone.

 

Maggie, you were right. No one noticed I gained any weight.

 

Come on, Dex. You were the King here.

 

- You were Elvis. - Yeah, well, now I'm fat Elvis.

 

Hey, babe, what's goin' on?

 

- Here you go. - Thanks.

 

You're welcome.

 



 

- Long Island iced tea, please. - Sure.

 



 

All right. I have to confess.

 



 

I don't know exactly what that is. I'm not really a bartender.

 

- I am actually a student here. - Really? What are you studying?

 

- Philosophy, religion. - Cool. No problem.

 

A Long Island iced tea is like a survey course in world religions.

 

We're starting with the Far East.

 



 

You get Hinduism. You get Taoism.

 

You get Buddhism, Confucianism.

 

We get Zoroastrianism.

 

Did you know Zoroastrians consider dogs the equal of men?

 

- I know I do. - Good answer.

 

Then you get Islam...

 

and the sweet twins of Judaism and Christianity.

 

Then we come, voilà, to the lone contribution of Western Civilization...

 

the Coca-Cola.

 

And bubble it altogether.

 

Voilà. Long Island iced tea.

 



 

So does this type of thing usually work on young philosophy students?

 

I don't know. Did it work on you?

 



 

Even though I try so hard Try so hard, I do

 

Even though I try so hard Try so hard, I do

 

If I could only wish I make you rock harder

 

If I could only wish I make you rock harder

 



 

It's something I hate

 



 

You're so     

 

It's always something I hate

 

You're so     

 



 

So      oh, yeah

 



 

- That was so great. - Thanks.

 

- That was so great. - Thanks.

 

Dex, do you know Syd? Syd, this is Dex.

 

Actually, no, we haven't met. Hey.

 

Actually, we have.

 



 

Really? Oh, yeah.

 



 

Wait.

 



 

We were in Bennet's Kierkegaard class.

 



 

- Are you sure? - Pretty sure I was there.

 

-Really? -Must have made a big impression on you.

 

I never listened to anybody but myself in that class.

 

- Man-- - Yeah, I remember that.

 



 

- Hey, Jeremy! - What's going on?

 

- I wondered if you'd be here. - I hoped you'd be here.

 

Do you guys know Jeremy? Maggie, Rick, Dex.

 

- This is Dex. - How are ya?

 



 

I'm getting a refresher. Anyone want anything?

 

- I'm cool. - Okay. Cool.

 



 

Bye. Okay, I'll see you guys later.

 



 

Torture's over. We're going.

 

Thank God.

 



 

- It wasn't so bad, was it? - Oh, God.

 

- You'll live to tell. - Why did I come?

 

I'm going to be here on the   th. I'm going to camp out for    and wait.

 

- You're not making it    years. - See you tomorrow.

 



 

- Dex? -Jill?

 

Hey! What's up?

 

- Tell me how you've been. - I've been really good.

 

- How have you been? - Good.

 

- Have you become the Speaker of the House yet? - No actually, I'm a forensic anthropologist.

 



 

- Whoa. - Yeah.

 



 

Peanut, peanut butter

 

Now we jump up and down.

 



 

Scream it out this time. Peanut, peanut butter

 

- You're fat. - Oh, great.

 

Thanks for noticing.

 

Thank you.

 



 

Yeah. Nice.

 



 

Oh, yeah!

 



 

That was beautiful!

 



 

Great shot!

 

You kissed that like you kiss your mama.

 

- Very Steve. - Soft and sweet.

 

Can I borrow your truck for a few days?

 

- What happened to your motorcycle? - It's got a broken infarculator.

 

Hate when that happens.

 

They say it's going to take ten years to get a new part.

 

Can I borrow it or not?

 

- I don't know. - Why not?

 

Syd's staying with us for a few weeks. We said she could use the truck.

 

Syd? Wait. How am I supposed to get to work?

 

Walk.

 

Yeah, man, you can walk.

 

So, Dave, I hear you got a honey lined up this weekend.

 

Bro, I'm so full on amped about this chick, man.

 

- You're already dead in the water. - He's right.

 

- You're roadkill. - What are you guys talking about?

 

- Do you want to have sex with her? - Definitely.

 



 

Then you're violating the first rule of being Steve.

 

- Who? - Learn to eliminate your desire.

 



 

- It's Buddhist. - I think the Taoists said it first.

 

Are we going to have a seminar, or are we going to play golf?

 

Just a short seminar on the elimination of desire, okay?

 

If you're out with this girl and even think about getting laid, you're finished.

 

'cause women can smell an agenda like shit on a shoe.

 

Are you saying I have a better chance of getting laid if I try not to get laid?

 

It's kind of like a Zen koan.

 



 

What's a Zen koan?

 

I'm serious. What's a Zen koan?

 



 

Look at me, okay?

 

Technically I shouldn't be getting laid, but I do.

 

Do you know why, Dave?

 

Because when I'm hanging out with a woman, that's all I'm doing is hanging out...

 

talkin', listenin'.

 

I'm not thinking about how to get in bed with her.

 

This completely confuses them, because they're saying...

 

"Wait a minute . I'm so much better looking than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?"

 

The basic principle: We pursue that which retreats from us.

 

- It's from Heidegger. - Groucho Marx said the same thing.

 

Act like a woman can't join your club, and she'll do almost anything to get in.

 



 

You've got so many great books.

 

Better to seduce you with.

 

What?

 

All the better to deduce the truth with.

 



 

Those were great margaritas.

 

My last date we had pizza and a six-pack.

 

Whoa, Julie, I don't know if I'd call this a date.

 

Really?

 

Dating is so tricky. That's all. I mean, you're really cool.

 

You have a great personality. I just don't want to--

 

I just don't want to mess up our friendship.

 

Friendship? We just met.

 

Better safe than sorry.

 



 

- What are you doing? - Gluing.

 



 

Okay. What are you gluing?

 



 

I'm going to have to go with cardboard.

 

Do the glue and cardboard together have a larger purpose?

 

Do they need to have a larger purpose?

 



 

Maybe I need them to have a larger purpose.

 

Okay, then for you, it's a model of a set I'm doing.

 



 

Okay. A set of steak knives?

 

A set of Julie Andrews plates on the Bradford Exchange?

 

Set, as in stage, job, opera.

 

Oh, my God. I get it! You're the set designer for the opera!

 

You're good.

 

We've got to talk about that truck.

 

Oh, yeah, actually, I made a schedule on my computer.

 

- Oh, well, how Marcia Brady of you. - Oh, thank you.

 



 

I think I should get the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays since you don't work those days.

 

- I do other things. - I'm sure you do.

 

Anyway, you go to work at  :   and get off at  :   correct?

 

- Aye, Captain. - Okay.

 

I go to work at  :   and get off at  :  .

 

So either you drop me off at  :   so you can get to school on time...

 

in which case I have to wait around for half an hour or--

 

Or you drop me off at  :   meaning I have to wait around for an hour.

 

I suggest we alternate every other day to be fair.

 



 

We should really alternate every second day to be fair...

 

because you only wait half an hour and I have to wait for a full hour.

 



 

Or every other day is cool.

 

Great.

 



 

Great, now that's settled--

 



 

I wanted to say that...

 

I'm really sorry I didn't recognize you at the reunion.

 

Don't worry about it.

 

So when did you start banging on the old skins?

 

When I was nine.

 

I wanted to be one of Josie and the Pussycats.

 

Josie and the who?

 

Oh, my God.

 

You're kidding, right?

 



 

Tricked you. I had Josie and the Pussycats stickers on my lunch box.

 

- No way. Me too. - Hold on.

 

- I bet you don't remember the Bugaloos. - Oh, my God!

 



 

I'm sorry. It's just that nobody I know remembers the Bugaloos. I love them!

 



 

How can you not love a British rock band consisting of four teenage bumblebees?

 



 

- What's this? - Well, Dex is cooking us dinner.

 

Oh, yeah?

 



 

- Mango mahimahi? - How'd you know?

 



 

- Can I talk to you a second? - I'm blanching the butter.

 

Okay, Martha Stewart, when you're done.

 



 

Will someone please watch the butter for me?

 



 

- Mango mahimahi? - What about it?

 

Your life isn't complicated enough, sleeping with a married woman?

 

Now you got to start hitting on my wife's friend?

 

I mean, she's staying at my house, guy.

 

So this is about you and your comfort level?

 

I'm sorry. You're not here to hit on Syd?

 

Dude, I came over to make a schedule.

 



 

All right, look. Just don't pull a Steve on Syd.

 

Don't worry about it, man.

 

All right.

 



 

But I think seriously most people want a composite of the opposite sex.

 

You gals aren't ever going to find Antonio Banderas...

 

with the personality of Fred MacMurray.

 



 

I'm never going to get Raquel Welch with the personality of Lucille Ball.

 

- What's wrong with just Lucille Ball? - What's wrong with just Raquel Welch?

 

Amen! My biggest fear is that I'm going to marry the woman...

 

I want to hang out with and talk to in my golden years...

 

but I'd die in some fiery car crash when I'm   ...

 



 

and then I miss all those good years of having sex.

 

So don't get married.

 

Barring some terrific advance in medical science...

 

that would allow you to splice Lucille Ball with Raquel Welch...

 

what do you look for in a woman?

 

Low standards.

 

- She'd have to be thin. - You wouldn't date a heavy woman?

 

- No way. - I am a faddist. I admit it.

 

I'm the worst kind of faddist. I'm a fat faddist.

 

Scandalous.

 

Would you ever date a fat guy?

 



 

Sure, I would.

 

Have you?

 



 

- No. - I rest my case.

 

But you've never been happy with any women you've dated.

 

That's male insanity syndrome.

 

You're with a woman and no matter how cool she is...

 

 you're always thinking, "Maybe I could do a little better."

 

- Maybe I could trade up somehow. - Trade up?

 



 

Don't look at me. I think you're the sun, the moon and the stars.

 

Dex is just bitter because he's never been in love.

 

I love my dog.

 

Very moving. Very happy for you.

 



 

- Hi, guys. Am I early? - We should get going. We'll be late.

 



 

- Where are you going? - To hear friends of mine in a band.

 

Don't forget tomorrow,  :   I'll pick you up.

 

 :   sharp.

 



 

Bye. See you guys.

 



 

- See you later. - Bye.

 



 

Hey!

 

Clearly I'm going to need my own transportation.

 

I'm almost ready. Come on in.

 



 

- Oh, guys. Matt, this is Syd. - Hi.

 

Chris, Syd.

 

- Dave, Syd. - Hi.

 

Come kick back in here. I'm just going to change real quick.

 



 

Astro, this is Syd.

 

Astro, you want the ball? Want the ball?

 

- Go get the ball. - Cute.

 

One second.

 



 

Would you describe this as a typical morning for you?

 



 

Hell no. Usually I spend this time cross training.

 



 

So you smoke pot for breakfast.

 



 

You work part-time and you--

 

Have limited potential?

 

No, just the opposite. You were the smartest guy in school.

 

Oh, yeah, but now?

 

- I don't know. Don't you ever-- - What? Don't I ever what?

 

- Nothing. It's none of my business. - Really. Whatever. Don't I ever what?

 



 

Don't you ever want to do more with your life?

 

Like climb a tree, learn a foreign language?

 



 

Or-- I don't know-- get a full-time job?

 



 

Doing stuff is overrated. Like Hitler, he did a lot.

 

But don't we all wish he would have just stayed home and gotten stoned?

 

I see. So your only options are to get stoned or commit genocide?

 



 

Lao-tzu said, "The sage, because he does nothing, never ruins anything. "

 

That sounds like a life full of passion and excitement.

 

Buddha said, "Passionlessness is the best of virtues."

 

And the Pillsbury Doughboy said, "Eat me when you're ready."

 

Did he really?

 

I wanted to see if you were listening...

 



 

or if you were giving me bullshit slacker routine.

 

Why is it that the good old-fashioned America slacker...

 

gets no respect for his detachment, but the Buddhist monk does?

 

Somehow I don't think your detachment is the same self-willed...

 

self-disciplined detachment of the Buddhist monk.

 

What do you think? You think all Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama?

 



 

You don't think there are guys in Nepal who are, like, "What should I do?

 

Should I carry packs of heavy shit for Westerners to the top of the base camp of Everest?

 

Or should I stay down here in Kathmandu and chant all day and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"

 

Why is everything cooler when it happens in a foreign country?

 

- Why, Zach, why? - Because!

 

Because. Because. Period. The face of the Buddha.

 



 

The Buddha belly. Would you like to rub the belly?

 



 

No! God! Don't rub. You'll hit. Okay.

 

- So I'll pick you up around  :  ? - No, I have a ride today.

 

So don't worry about it. Today's cool.

 



 

Do you want to make love?

 



 

- What's wrong? - Nothing. It's--

 



 

I'm sorry. It's just that phrase.

 

What? What phrase, making love?

 

It just reminds me of that...

 

incense you buy at convenience stores with this airbrushed couple.

 

I mean, I'm sorry.

 



 

What?

 

If I wasn't married, would you still be with me?

 



 

- But you're married. - Yes, but let's say I was single.

 

- You're not single. - I've been thinking about leaving Ed.

 



 

But I, you know, I, I--

 



 

I just don't get it. I've been hanging out with girls my whole life.

 

You'd think I'd understand them by now, right?

 



 

- Your sisters don't count. - Very funny, man.

 



 

I'm serious, if you hang out with women as friends, you're doing your research in the wrong library.

 

What's wrong with being friends with women?

 

Nothing! But getting out of that category of friend is harder than getting out of Alcatraz.

 

You told me not to be lustful.

 



 

Yeah.

 



 

It doesn't make any sense. I'm not supposed to come on to a girl, right?

 

But I'm not supposed to be her friend either?

 

Back up. In this particular instance, were you desireless?

 

Man, I tried, but she was just so hot.

 



 

Dude, you didn't make a pass at her, did you?

 

Sort of. I sort of made a move.

 

I put my hand over there or something.

 

- What happened? - She said she felt it was too soon.

 

of course she did! You've got to learn to hang out with a woman...

 

without groping her within the first ten minutes.

 

This takes us to the second rule of being Steve.

 

You have to do something excellent in her presence...

 

thus demonstrating your sexual worthiness.

 

Something excellent.

 

Yeah, man. You can't just say, "Hey, I'm Dave. I like smoking pot.

 

I like reading the sports page on the john. Want to have sex with me?"

 

What if you're not excellent at anything?

 

-Then you got a bigger problem picking up women. -Come on, I'm serious!

 

I'm pretty serious too. Everybody's good at something.

 

Figure out what you're excellent at.

 



 

I'm an excellent camper!

 

Wonderful, but you can't camp in front of a chick.

 



 

What are you excellent at?

 



 

These cards-- These cards suck.

 



 

But...

 



 

I'm going to put in two crayons.

 



 

Cool! I have an ace.

 

How are you doing, buddy? You got something up your sleeve, pal?

 

- Now what? - What now?

 

Well, what now is that we show everybody what we got and we see who wins.

 

Cards down.

 



 

That's good. That's very good. You got two pair.

 

And that's very good, but I've got three kings.

 



 

- Crayons! I win all the crayons! - No, I win all the crayons.

 

I win all the crayons!

 

I hate people who gloat, but--

 



 

The winner. I get your crayons and your crayons and your crayons.

 

There's a lady at the door.

 

- Where? - Right there.

 

- Hi, lady at the door! - Hi, lady at the door!

 

Hi, guys.

 

- Do you wanna play? - Sure. Thanks.

 



 

Well, come on down. Bring your crayons.

 



 

You sure you don't mind giving Corey a ride?

 

Oh, God, don't be silly.

 

Actually, I was thinking of going to Baskin-Robbins, but you probably don't want to go.

 

What?

 

Baskin-Robbins! Ice cream!

 



 

You know when your mom makes sloppyjoes...

 

and she puts all the sloppy stuff in the middle of the bread...

 

and it spills out everywhere?

 

I feel like the sloppy stuff.

 

Anybody want a kiss?

 



 

An ice-cream kiss.

 

- What's that? - Let me show you.

 



 

See. Now you can taste my ice cream, and I can taste yours.

 

- Chocolate. - Cool.

 

This is cool.

 

Can I have a kiss?

 



 

An ice-cream kiss!

 



 

The Three Musketeers!

 



 

- Bye! - Bye, buddy.

 



 

Shoot! I left some work at the opera. Do you mind if we swing by so I can pick it up?

 

- No problem. - Okay.

 



 

- Wow. - It's pretty cool, huh?

 

It's very cool.

 



 

Sorry. Sorry. I got it.

 



 

Avastye, walk the plank.

 



 

Who is this, Cortez?

 

That's Don Giovanni.

 



 

Hence, the opera.

 

Did you know Kierkegaard was obsessed with Don Giovanni?

 

- That makes sense. - Really? Why?

 



 

Because Don Giovanni was this seducer.

 

Kierkegaard wrote a lot about seduction.

 



 

He wrote Diary Of A Seducer.

 



 

He wrote different essays on things.

 

He said philosophy was-- I'm trying to sound smart now, so just stop me.

 



 

- You do that a lot, don't you? - Yes, I do.

 

It usually works with weak-minded women.

 



 

But clearly a superior intellect like yours doesn't fall for it.

 

Okay.

 

Bye.

 



 

So what did Kierkegaard have to say about Don Giovanni?

 

He talked about faith.

 

- In God? - In other people.

 

Elaborate.

 



 

You know about his fiancée, right?

 

- Regine Olsen. - Right.

 

He was afraid once she got to really know him...

 

his whole dark side and everything that she wouldn't love him anymore.

 

That's where faith comes in, because you've got to say...

 

even though I'm afraid this person is gonna hurt me, is going to reject me...

 

I'm going to make a leap of faith and love this person, but he couldn't do that.

 

What does this have to do with Don Giovanni?

 

Don Giovanni slept with thousands of women...

 

because he was afraid he wouldn't be loved by one.

 



 

Here's a leap of faith for you.

 

Do you want to go out sometime?

 

My friend's having a pool party this weekend.

 



 

I don't think it's a good idea.

 



 

Okay.

 

Okay. All right. Bye.

 



 

Hey.

 

Could you make sure Carmen sees these?

 

Sure. What about the meeting with Steve Ramsey?

 

- Canceled. I'm going home. - Good night.

 



 

Are you hungry?

 



 

- Shit. - Is that him?

 



 

Beth?

 



 

I'll call you.

 



 

- Sorry I'm late. - Yeah, yeah. Just pay in, Steve.

 

Thanks, Steve. All right. Thanks, guy.

 

Why does he always get a "Hey, Steve," and all I get is a "Hey, guy"?

 

What is this Steve shit anyway?

 

It has to do with that stuff I was telling you about picking up women.

 

- Who's Steve? - Steve.

 

Steve is the prototypical cool American male.

 

Steve McGarrett, all right? Steve Austin, Steve McQueen.

 

He's the man on his horse, the guy alone.

 

He has his own code of honor, his own ethics, his own rules of living.

 

He never ever tries to impress the women, but he always gets the girl.

 



 

- So who is Steve McGarrett? - Are you joking?

 



 

Okay, man, okay.

 

Hawaii Five-  man. I get it. Who's Steve Austin?

 



 

Oscar, it's Steve! She's breaking up!

 



 

It's breaking up!

 



 

Yeah, Six Million Dollar Man, okay.

 

But the ultimate Steve is Steve McQueen.

 



 

Dude, The Great Escape, man. The Great Escape.

 

The Nazis are after him. He's on the Bimmer, and he's--

 

He looks up and he comes up on the hill, and there's the big fence.

 

The Nazis are going-- Come on, dude--

 

So anybody who's named Steve is a Steve.

 

Steve's not a name. Steve is a state of mind.

 

It's a way of living. Like James Bond is a Steve.

 

Like Spider-Man is a Steve.

 

- Michael Jordan is a Steve. - Touché, right?

 

So if I'm not a Steve, then what am I?

 

You're a--

 



 

You're a Stu.

 



 

What's a Stu?

 



 

No, come on. What's a Stu?

 



 

Don't look at me, man.

 

It's the opposite of Steve.

 

Dex doesn't want to insult you. He just can't help it.

 

Just think Barney Fife, Gomer Pyle.

 

Jughead.

 



 

I'm the opposite of everything that's cool?

 

- Don't take it personally. - Fuck you, man!

 

You guys are all Steves, and I'm Gomer-fucking-Pyle, man!

 

- Screw you guys. Screw you all. - Come on, Dave.

 

Go to hell, bro.

 



 

He'll be all right.

 



 

What's that piece of shit right there?

 

Syd's under the impression it's a motorcycle.

 



 

- Does it run? - No.

 

But she still thinks she's going to ride it to work.

 

Wait. She'd rather ride that than deal with me?

 

Maybe she's sick of being late.

 



 

- Do we have any plans Friday? - No. Why?

 

Syd just invited us to her opening night.

 



 

No offense, but guys--

 

Guys don't do opera.

 



 

Jeremy's going.

 

Have you ever noticed how at the beginning of a relationship...

 

a guy will do just about anything with his girlfriend because...

 

the thought of seeing her naked gets him excited about going to the opera.

 

A, he's not my boyfriend, and B, maybe he likes opera.

 



 

I'm going to tell you two things. A, he is, and B, he doesn't.

 

- Let me tell you two things-- - Would you stop flirting?

 

- What are you talking about? - We're not flirting! Yuck!

 

This is really great and everything, but we got to go, okay?

 

Yeah, whatever, fine.

 

Are we going to do any work?

 



 

Hey!

 

This came for you this morning. I think it's your infarculator.

 

Oh, hey. All right, yeah.

 

Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry about that whole Stu thing.

 

Don't even worry about it, man.

 

- I'm feeling pretty Steve today. - Really?

 

I had the best date of my life last night.

 

I think I'm in love.

 



 

I hope you didn't tell her that.

 



 

There's a certain order you're supposed to do things in.

 

Telling someone you love them is definitely last in that order.

 

- When are you supposed to tell them? - Your   th wedding anniversary.

 

I don't see a problem.

 

I'm going to tell you this one last time.

 

You should tattoo it on your dick so you don't forget.

 

We pursue that which retreats from us.

 

I don't get the whole retreating thing.

 

Chicks are like hunters. They want to bag  a lion or a bear, something hard to catch.

 

Along comes Dave, and you're like this affectionate little puppy.

 

You're cute, but you're way too easy to catch. That bores them.

 

With chicks, boredom equals death. You can't bore them.

 

So now I'm boring.

 

Dogs don't chase a rock that's just sitting on the ground.

 

Maybe some dogs do.

 

They like chasing rabbits that dart in and out of bushes.

 

So now I'm supposed to be like a bunny?

 

You're supposed to be the thing that retreats.

 

That takes us to part three of the Tao of Steve.

 

After you've eliminated your desire...

 

and after you've been excellent in her presence...

 

then you must retreat, okay?

 

It's just too complicated.

 

For great-looking guys, they got no problem.

 

They can slide by on their appearance.

 

But for guys like us--

 

Successful hooking up with the ladies requires a little work...

 

and a lot of intelligence, all right?

 

Thanks for this thing, man. It's gonna come in handy.

 



 

Sorry.

 

When's your stupid motorcycle going to be fixed?

 

When the stupid part gets here, okay?

 



 

I'm a fairy. Can you put fairy sprinkles in my hair?

 



 

Are you sure you're a fairy?

 

These are very powerful sprinkles. I made them myself.

 



 

Okay?

 



 

Do you have any glue we can borrow?

 

Sure. Yeah.

 

Excuse me.

 



 

- Here you go. - What are you doing this weekend?

 

I was--

 

This friend of mine is house-sitting at this big house.

 

It's got this cool pool and views. We're gonna have a pool party and barbecue.

 

- Really? - Yeah.

 



 

Look, men try and achieve success for one reason: to impress women, right?

 

That's the only reason they build companies, write books...

 

or compete in sports and stuff.

 

The problem is, if you figure out how you could get laid without achieving anything...

 

then you could lose your motivation altogether.

 

So there's no reason to get off the couch.

 



 

- You want a drink? - No, thanks.

 

I'm going to get one.

 



 

Stop it. Don't.

 



 

Couldn't resist my powerful penetrating stare, could you?

 

No, I wanted to tell you you have guacamole on your shirt.

 



 

Yeah, wouldn't want you to make a bad impression on your date.

 

She's--

 



 

- Hi, Diane. - Hi.

 

Sorry it took so long. I ran into this friend of mine...

 

and she was really depressed.

 

- Is she okay? - You know.

 

She will be or whatever, but--

 



 

The thing was, I was going through depression a long time ago...

 



 

and she was really there for me.

 

So I figured, payback time. It's like a karma thing.

 

- Did you want to go talk to her? - I wanted to find you.

 

I'm here with you. You don't know anybody here.

 

I'll be fine. You should go talk to your friend.

 



 

- How are you? - Good.

 

- How are you? - Okay.

 

- Who's this guy? - It's a she. I just got her.

 

- Hey, girl, how are you? - Come on. Say hi.

 



 

- Come here. - Come here, sweetie.

 

Hi, girl.

 

How are you?

 

Oh, my God! Hello! What a little boodgie!

 

- Cute, isn't she? - Yeah. Is she yours?

 

- Yeah. - Do you know each other?

 

- No, actually-- - Hi.

 

- I'm Syd. Hi. Nice to meet you. - Syd, Beth.

 



 

I was looking for you guys. Hey! Hey, Dex.

 



 

Hey, dog. It's Beth's.

 

I got some friends here from work I'd like you to meet.

 

- Sure. - All right. Take care.

 

- It was nice to meet you. - You too.

 

Talk to you.

 

- You be around for a while? - Sure. Bye.

 



 

So, are you going to go swimming?

 



 

Huh? Oh, no. I mean, I'm a non-swimming, non-naked kind of guy.

 



 

"Say no to nudity." That's my motto.

 

Really? 'Cause I would have pegged you for, like, a naked person.

 

Definitely not a naked person. Are you kidding?

 



 

I don't even let my cats see me naked.

 

- Really? - Really.

 

That's weird.

 



 

What?

 



 

Glitter from school. We were doing collages yesterday...

 



 

with feathers and glue and--

 



 

This is really a beautiful place.

 

So I thought there's no way she's going to be here today, so--

 

I was going to swing by, you know, but--

 



 

You still got a little--

 

Oh, that's dry.

 

So, where's your friend?

 



 

Huh? Oh, yeah. Well--

 

I think I told her that you were really depressed.

 

- Why would you do that? - So I could come and talk to you.

 

Oh, my God. Do you ever just tell the truth?

 

Would it make me a better person if I was to say to her...

 

"I'd really like to blow you off 'cause there's a woman here I'm falling in love with.

 

- Can you find your own way home?" - What did you just say?

 

- Why don't you find your own way home? - The other thing.

 



 

That I'm falling in love with you?

 

- You are not. - I am too.

 

- Are not! - Am too.

 

- Are not. - I am too.

 

So, if you're falling in love with me, why are you with all these other women?

 

Oh, come on.

 

Am I supposed to remain celibate while I bask...

 

in the warm glow of your annihilating contempt?

 

- Am I supposed to find solace in that? - No, you're right.

 

Forget it. That was stupid. Just forget it.

 

What are you-- Are you mad?

 



 

Syd, come on!

 

You're joking.

 



 

- Why are you mad at me? - I'm not mad.

 

You sure seem pissed.

 

- Come on. - I'm not mad.

 



 

Are you pissed off because I didn't recognize you at the reunion?

 



 

Was I like a jerk to one of your friends in college?

 

Was I a dick to you in college?

 

Not exactly.

 

Did we, like, sleep together?

 



 

No way. There's no way. I would have remembered that.

 



 

But you didn't.

 



 

Pretty romantic, isn't it?

 

I'm sorry if I hurt you.

 

But for most of college I was so drunk or stoned...

 

I don't even remember half of what happened.

 

I know that's not a good excuse, but look at me. Now I'm a fat fucking pig.

 

The guy that did that to you was a skinny arrogant prick.

 

Just give me one more chance.

 



 

You should go back to your date.

 



 

What?

 



 

Stop looking at me like that.

 



 

You're acting like a codependent girlfriend.

 



 

That's the last time.

 



 

What's up?

 

I just want to tell you I'm not going to do your stupid Tao of Steve thing anymore.

 



 

Okay.

 

It's just that it's phony, dishonest, and it's not me.

 

Oh, really?

 

You think it's more honest to pretend to listen to a woman...

 

when you're just thinking about getting laid?

 

I think it's more honest than pretending I don't want to get laid.

 

That's the whole point. Don't pretend. Just really let go of your desire.

 



 

Okay, look.

 

If I like a woman, I'm not going to pretend that I don't like her.

 

I'm not going to pretend to be excellent.

 

I'm not going to pretend to retreat.

 

I'm just going to be me. I'm going to be honest and be me.

 

That's exactly what I want you to be. I want you to be honest.

 

I want you to be you, but the real you.

 

You're so full of it, man.

 

Lao-tzu said, When the foolish man hears of the Tao, you know what he does?

 

- What's that? - He laughs out loud.

 

I swear you just make this stuff up as you go along, right?

 



 

So you didn't make it up.

 



 

You should read these.

 

- Now you're going to give me homework? - I'm trying to share knowledge.

 



 

I really appreciate your help. It's just this is all a little too hard.

 

What is too hard? Not coming on to women?

 

Trying to be an excellent human being?

 

The Buddha left his family, his fortune, his place in society.

 

This guy was set, and he wandered down the road of enlightenment.

 

That's hard.

 

I'm not looking for enlightenment. I'm looking for a girlfriend. That's it.

 

It's all connected.

 



 

- I know what you're trying to do. - What are you talking about?

 

Just because you fixed my bike, I'm not going to go out with you.

 

I just wanted to say that I was sorry.

 

Are you sure that's all you wanted?

 

Let's just-- Let's forget about it, okay?

 

Just forget about the whole thing.

 

I guess forgetting is what you're good at.

 



 

Oh, my God. I've just hurt your feelings.

 

No, you didn't. Apparently I don't have feelings, so how could they be hurt?

 

I'm sorry. I just assume everything you do has an ulterior motive.

 

Oh, that makes me feel really good. Okay.

 

I'm sorry. That was terrible. I--

 

Thank you for fixing my bike.

 

You're welcome. You're welcome.

 



 

We're going camping tomorrow. I don't suppose you want to come?

 



 

- There will be walking. - Yeah.

 



 

- And climbing. - I know.

 



 

- Outdoors. - Shut the fuck up.

 



 

Are you sure you want to do this?

 



 

Yeah. I love camping.

 



 

Are you okay?

 

Yeah. I just stopped to check out this conifer tree.

 



 

Okay then.

 

The tree.

 



 

So, what's the deal with you and Beth?

 

No deal. We're just friends.

 



 

I thought I sensed something.

 

- At the party? - Yeah.

 

She was tense because...

 

she got that puppy and--

 



 

She went to the pound and got this puppy, and Ed's not a dog person.

 

Women like to save things, and men like to draw boundaries.

 



 

It's like Molly Brown on the Titanic.

 

She was saying, "More people, more people."

 

But the boat guy was, like, "No." You know?

 

It's just like puppies.

 



 

Hey. I was totally lying back there.

 

- Boat guys do like puppies? - I'm sure some do--

 

But about me and Beth just being friends.

 

I knew it. I can't believe you sold me all that puppy bullshit.

 

Yeah, but I just admitted I was lying.

 

You want points for that? Besides, isn't she married?

 

Yeah, but it depends on your definition of married.

 

I don't have a lot of hang-ups, but monogamy is one of them.

 



 

Do you think we ought to leave a trail of bread crumbs?

 

- They'll be fine, Mags. - All right.

 



 

What took you so long?

 



 

I feel so at home in nature.

 



 

Never again.

 



 

Do you guys ever worry your marriage...

 

is an obstacle to your reaching enlightenment?

 



 

Do you ever wonder if your philosophy is an obstacle to having a life?

 

Seriously, man. Because romantic love, for a lot of people...

 

becomes kind of a religion, you know?

 

Face it, most people feel that their personal relationships...

 

are more important than their relationship with God.

 

We should just admit that romantic love is our national religion.

 

State religion of America.

 

I mean, take you guys for example, okay?

 

Okay, no judgment, but, like, what's more important to you...

 

 your relationship with God or with each other?

 



 

Seriously. I mean, think about God right now.

 

Who's snuggling up with God? Who does He partner with?

 

Who's putting their head on His shoulder?

 

I think He's like the loneliest dude in the universe.

 

Why would God be lonely? Millions of people pray to God all the time.

 

It's either gratitude or groveling, like...

 

" Hey, God, could You help me win the lotto?"

 

Or "God, if You get me out of this situation, I'll go to church forever."

 



 

No one ever says, "Hey, God, how was Your day?

 

What can I do for You, God?"

 

Or, " Hey, God, did you catch Letterman last night?"

 

- I suppose you talk to God like that. - Always. All the time.

 

- And what does God say? - He said "I saw Letterman, and it sucked."

 



 

Good night, Rick.

 



 

Good night, Dex.

 



 

Good night, Maggie.

 

Good night, John Boy.

 



 

Good night, Syd.

 

Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?

 



 

Jesus!

 



 

Die!

 



 

There was a spider! There was a big--

 

I swear there was a big, hairy spider in my tent.

 



 

What are you looking at?

 



 

No. No way.

 



 

If any part of you touches any part of me, I have a knife.

 



 

Listen. Apparently, we've been in this position before, so we might as well--

 

You cannot talk about that thing that you have no memory of.

 

- Okay? - Okay, okay.

 

Message received. Zero distortion.

 



 

So, this is camping.

 

Please, I'm trying to pretend like you're not here.

 

- Why are you so mad? - You lied about the spider.

 

You lied about the puppy thing, and you're having an affair.

 

- I did not lie about the spider. - Did too!

 

- I did not! - Shut up!

 

Oh, you couldn't think of a better lie?

 

Why in the world would I lie about a spider?

 

You lied about the spider so you could get in my tent, so--

 

- So what? - So you could...

 

make a move on me.

 



 

You are such a self-aggrandizing, solipsistic ego queen.

 

- You don't even know you're-- - Did you say solipsistic?

 

- I most certainly did. - I love that word.

 

I do too.

 

 

 

Don't even think about it.

 



 

Solipsistic.

 



 

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm all right. Thank you.

 

- You sure? - I'm all right. Yeah, I'm okay.

 

- All right, then. - Yeah. Wait.

 



 

I think I'm having a heart attack.

 

- Is this a trick? - A trick?

 

Yeah, like the spider in your tent.

 

There was a spider in my tent.

 



 

Maggie! Rick!

 



 

Okay, you didn't have a heart attack.

 

Good.

 

But you do suffer from gastroesophageal reflux disease.

 

Wow!

 

Otherwise known as heartburn.

 

That's it? That's cool. So I could just, you know, change and--

 

No, no, no, it's not cool. It's not great.

 



 

- Why? Do I have a tumor or something? - No, you don't have a tumor...

 

but you're obese.

 

It's a serious risk factor for high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes.

 

Please, be candid.

 

Do you smoke?

 



 

You know, I'll have the occasional pack a day or so, yeah.

 

These are serious problems.

 

You better quit smoking. You've gotta go on a diet.

 

That's easy.

 

I didn't say that changing your life would be easy.

 

But your life does depend on it.

 



 

All right.

 



 

Thank you.

 



 

Guy, you're not gonna lose weight eating peanut butter sandwiches.

 

- What are you talking about? It's whole wheat bread. - Dude, it's peanut butter.

 

I lost    pounds on my pizza diet. This'll be much easier.

 

- Why? - More protein.

 

That's almost as ridiculous as your sleeping diet.

 

- That time I lost    pounds. - You also lost your job.

 

Did the diet work or not?

 



 

Hey, Beth.

 

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

 

Listen, I don't think it's a good idea that we see each other anymore.

 



 

-Just tell me why. - Hello! You're married! Okay?

 

And I want to have a relationship where the person I'm dating is dating me...

 



 

just for me and there's no marriage involved and neither of us is married.

 

You're right. You're absolutely right. This is all wrong.

 

Right, yeah. Could you slow down a little, please.

 



 

If I left Ed, we could have a normal relationship.

 

We could never have a normal relationship, Beth.

 

Why not? It's Syd, isn't it?

 



 

- Syd who? - Go to hell.

 



 

Does this side have an air bag?

 



 

Asshole!

 



 

- What's all that about? - Don't ask, dudes.

 

Don't ask.

 



 

I'm going out with that chick from Kinko's for drinks tonight.

 

And I know, I know I've gotta not have sex with her.

 

No, man. You've gotta not want to have sex with her.

 

Having sex with her is the whole point.

 

I've gotta not want to have sex with her.

 

Right, right. Remember, okay, both men and women want to have sex...

 

It's natural, except we're on different timetables.

 

Women want to have sex, like,    minutes after us.

 

All right, if you hold out for    she'll be chasing you for five.

 

I don't know if I could hold out for that long.

 

Dude, you gotta ask yourself, man...

 

do you want to be a Stu, or do you want to be a Steve?

 



 

Good morning, ladies.

 

Hello, Cynthia. How are you?

 



 

How's your day starting out?

 



 

What's up?

 



 

- Who is it? - It's Syd.

 



 

- What do you want? - I wanted to see how you were feeling.

 

Oh, I'm fine, thank you. I'm great.

 

Do you need anything?

 

No. No, I'm okay.

 

Look, this is ridiculous. Can I just come in?

 



 

Okay. All right, great. Come on in. Fine.

 



 

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

 



 

I'd rather not talk about it.

 



 

- Fine. - Fine.

 



 

Did somebody hit you?

 



 

Yes. Yes, okay?

 



 

Someone hit me. Ed hit me. All right? Ed hit me.

 

- You happy? - No. I'm really sorry that it happened.

 

Really? I thought you'd be really happy because God's punishing me.

 



 

- I don't want God to punish you. - Okay.

 

I want to punish you.

 



 

Just kidding. I really am sorry.

 

It's okay.

 



 

Did you just kiss my boo-boo?

 



 

Did it help?

 



 

A little. You might have to do it again.

 



 

What are you doing?

 

I'm going in.

 

Wanna come?

 



 

Lest you forget, I'm a "just say no to nudity" kind of person.

 

That's cool, 'cause I got a non-nudity kind of idea.

 



 

You know what this totally reminds me of?

 



 

One time--

 



 

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

 

Whoa. Whoa, Speed Racer.

 



 

You know, eventually you're gonna have to take your clothes off.

 



 

I know. I'm grappling with that moment.

 



 

Excuse me.

 



 

Is that okay?

 



 

It's nice.

 



 

Oh, God.

 

Did I drool or something?

 

I don't think so.

 

Oh, good. Not that I drool or anything.

 

I just--

 



 

Do you want coffee or Cocoa Puffs or anything?

 

- I can make some real quick. - Sure.

 



 

- What's wrong? - Nothing.

 



 

I was just thinking.

 

About?

 



 

- I'm supposed to leave in three days. - Yeah.

 

You knew I was leaving, right?

 

I guess I kind of repressed it.

 



 

Oh. Okay.

 

Maybe you can stay in town for a little while longer.

 

I can't. I've got another job in New York.

 

Maybe you could come to New York.

 



 

Hey, Dex, this is Julie. What's up?

 

- I haven't heard from you in a while-- - Hey. Hey, you.

 

How's it going? Yeah, sorry.

 



 

Sorry about that. I've been real busy lately.

 

No, I mean, not too busy for you.

 

I know I said I'd-- Yeah, I did. I did. I meant to.

 

I mean, I meant it at the time, but I--

 

No, it's not like I don't mean that, I mean--

 

It's just sort of complicated, and I can't really explain.

 

I mean, I wish I-- No.

 

Hey, hey, I'm a Taoist!

 

- A what? - I've gotta go. I'll call you later.

 

You're the man! It totally works!

 

Could we have breakfast somewhere else? You want to--

 

- What works? - The tao of Steve, Dex's rules for picking up chicks.

 

Dex's rules for picking up chicks?

 

- I made a sheet so I wouldn't forget. - This I gotta hear.

 



 

Oh, God.

 



 

Be desireless, be excellent and be gone.

 



 

So, you have different rules for different women?

 



 

Are you still thinking about that? No. What?

 



 

So does that mean women are all the same?

 



 

This whole thing is like a universal maxim kind of behavior.

 

- It's-- You know. - Dex?

 



 

How are you doing?

 

Syd, this is Cindy.

 

- Kelly. - Kelly, right.

 

Syd, Kelly. Kelly, Syd.

 



 

- You guys ready to order? - I just need a sec.

 

What's the special of the day?

 



 

Just a sec.

 



 

Oh, my God. I'm the special of the day.

 

What are you talking about? Are you huevos rancheros or something?

 

Well, what makes me different?

 

I mean, what makes me different from any other woman that you've been with?

 

Lots of things. Everything.

 

Why should I believe you?

 

I don't know. Why shouldn't you? I mean, fine, don't believe me.

 

I'm sure you probably tell every woman the same thing.

 

Okay, that pretty much limits the "What can I say now" option I once had.

 

So I might as well-- You know what I'm gonna say...

 

or you already assigned it this kind of--

 



 

Well, you know, actions speak louder than words.

 



 

What's that mean? I mean, what is-- What's that supposed to mean?

 



 

It means there's nothing you can say.

 



 

I'm gonna go.

 



 

Why?

 



 

- Aces over eights. - Shit!

 

- Hurts so good. - You been kicking our asses all night.

 

- He's butter. He's on a friggin' roll. - You guys have no idea.

 

- All right, Dave, what happened? - Nothing.

 



 

I think Gomer got laid.

 

Is this a fucking card game or a goddamn sewing circle?

 

Cool your jets.

 

What's your problem?

 

Syd left today.

 



 

Hey, didn't Lao-tzu say something like...

 

"If you're attached to nothing, you lose nothing"?

 

Why don't you give it a rest?

 

Sorry.

 



 

Five draw, suicide kings wild.

 



 

I left Ed.

 



 

I see.

 



 

I can't. I can't, I can't.

 

I can't. I just--

 



 

I can't, I can't, I can't do this anymore.

 



 

Hey, what's up, Beth?

 



 

- What's up? What are you looking for? - Do you have any beer?

 



 

Check the lower vegetable thing.

 



 

Hey, so is Beth upset about something?

 



 

She left her husband.

 



 

What?

 



 

What's up?

 

I was wondering if I could have her number.

 

- Whose number? - Beth's.

 

Are you joking?

 



 

Yeah. I'm sorry, bro.

 

I'm sorry.

 



 

- Hey. - Hey, what's up?

 

You know all that stuff I've been telling you?

 

- Yeah. - Forget it.

 



 

The Tao of Steve isn't about picking up lots of women.

 

It's about being the best person you can be, and I'm not.

 

-What are you talking about? -I've been trying to turn you into me...

 

and I'm not sure I even want to be me anymore.

 



 

Astro. Astro, come on.

 



 

Hey, Dex, it's Syd.

 

I am just calling from New York to say hi and--

 

Actually, I'm not calling to say hi.

 



 

I'm calling because-- You know that thing that happened in college?

 

I just left it hanging for ten years.

 

And the thing is, I don't want to leave what happened the other day hanging...

 

so unresolved...

 

and everything, so--

 



 

So, anyway, I just-- I don't know.

 

We should talk.

 



 

Sorry. Sorry.

 

Sorry. Sorry.

 



 

Just--

 



 

Actually, never mind.