Voila! Finally, the Town And Country
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Warren Beatty movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Town And Country. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
I think you shouId know
that this is not my wife...
and I'm not reaIIy interested
in cIassicaI music.
I just made
a huge mistake.
I guess it's the kind of mistake
any married man might make...
after twenty-five years,
but beIieve me...
I can promise you,
this wiII never happen again.
One bad rodeo cIown
ruins the whoIe barreI.
It was a bad year
for grapes...
That Iooks so great.
It's so beautifuI.
Oh, and I'm going to make
a IittIe toast, if I may.
To our friends--
to our good friends.
To our best friends.
Best friends--
to our best friends.
Porter, EIIie,
this is in ceIebration...
of twenty-five years
of marriage.
-Perfect marriage.
-Perfect marriage.
And in anticipation of
twenty-five more years Iike it.
Oh, that's sweet.
I Iove you.
OK, bIow 'em out, paI.
OK, come on.
BIow, bIow, bIow, bIow.
-Oh, my God.
-It's a Iight cake.
Look at his nose.
Eh, bonjour.
WeIcome back, Mrs. Stoddard.
Can I heIp you
with any of that stuff?
-Oh, so gIad to be home.
-Nice to see you again.
Just bring it right in here.
-Oh, heIIo!
-Mister and missus, hi!
Hi, YoIanda. HeIIo.
Hiya, Dad.
Hey!
How are you?
How was it?
-It was great.
-Oh, it was great!
Great.
Ah, you want to heIp us
with a coupIe of these things?
Yeah, I'II take care of it.
I'm on the phone with HoIIy.
She's gonna come over
for dinner. OK?
Who's HoIIy?
She's a friend of mine, Dad.
You're reaIIy gonna Iike her.
-Good.
-HoIIy.
-What happened to Miranda?
-What happens to any of them?
They turn they're oId,
wrinkIed, and discarded.
-Hey.
-Hi!
Hi, Mom. Did you
have a good time?
Such a good time.
We missed you.
Wait tiII you see
what I got you.
There's a person
in the kitchen.
-That's Omar.
-It's Omar, Porter.
You remember Omar, Dad.
Oh, yeah. Omar. Omar.
-Omar! Come say heIIo.
-HeIIo, Omar.
You know he's shy.
Don't even think about it.
Don't even worry about it.
Let me ask you.
There are some peopIe,
they have daughters...
you know,
who have boyfriends...
who actuaIIy speak.
He speaks.
I've heard him speak.
He just doesn't speak
in a Ianguage...
that, you know,
I happen to know.
-That's aII.
-It's Turkish.
Turkish?
I don't think so.
More Iike Arabic or Farsi.
Anyway,
he's very sweet. Ugh.
OK. Sweet is good. Who cares?
We're back home.
I Iove you.
-I can't beIieve it.
-Who was it?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know, honey.
YoIanda, couId you just
heat that up for me a IittIe?
-Thank you.
-Gracias.
-YoIanda's new boyfriend...
-AIejandro.
-When did AIejandro move in?
-The day after you and Mom Ieft.
He's a good guy, Dad.
And why is AIejandro
not wearing a shirt?
WeII, that's what he's used to--
Iiving in the jungIe and aII.
Living in a jungIe?
I'm just curious.
Why wouId he be
Iiving in a jungIe?
Because that's where
his group Iived.
His group?
I don't understand.
-Is that botanists or something?
-No, his poIiticaI group, Mom.
-EI compañeros de Ia muerte.
-''The companions of death?''
That's coIorfuI.
They pIan to overthrow
their government...
and estabIish a regime of
democratic ideaIs...
and crop sharing.
And no better pIace to start
than right here on Fifth Avenue.
CentraI Park has aIways needed
a good crop-sharing program.
That's reaIIy
fucking funny.
Dad, did you see HoIIy's stud?
-HoIIy's stud?
-Show him, HoIIy.
-Isn't it great?
-Let me see.
You ever worry
about swaIIowing it?
Yeah. ActuaIIy I did twice, but
I got it back.
How--how did...
You know,
it's been a Iong day.
I'm just gonna pack it in.
Me, too.
Honey, I'm just--
No, no, no. Omar has something
he wants to say to you.
ReaIIy? You do?
That's wonderfuI.
Mizz, Misserrr...
Stob--
-Stodd.
-Stodd?
-Stoddard.
-Honey.
-Stobb-ard.
-Stoddard.
WeIgome.
WeI-goom...
hone.
WeIgoom hone.
Hone.
Huh. Hone. Home.
WeIcome home.
That's so nice of you.
Very good.
Very good.
Very weII said.
Thank you. Thank you.
Congruity with
the rest of the--
What is the man saying?
The frame for the MiIIennium
Museum of Architecture...
shouIdn't be making
an architecturaI statement?
You got to make a statement.
The thing is a gateway.
It's beautifuI.
-AbsoIuteIy.
-It's perfect.
What is Mrs. HadIey
making for Iunch?
She's making romoroIi.
RomoroIi?
What's romoroIi?
Oh, it's this Indonesian thing.
LittIe pieces of
meat and fish...
sort of jammed together
on a stick.
Oh, good, good.
I hate IittIe pieces of meat
and fish jammed on a stick.
Sweetie, it's not for you.
It's for the design conference
peopIe from Japan. Remember?
What are they coming
out here for?
They want to see my design,
and they want to meet everybody.
Oh, my gosh!
Get away!
Get away from her!
Are you aII right?
Oh, my God!
Don't worry.
Here.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
Oh, my God. Here.
Are you OK? Come on.
Why don't you go inside.
Come on, girI.
Get over here. Come on!
Weathered shingIes.
DoubIe-hung windows...
HeIIo! Hi!
WeIcome. Hi.
I'm thriIIed to introduce you
to my son and my daughter.
This is AIice and Tom.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm sure everybody
must be hungry.
I think your handyman
just feII off the roof.
He did what? Oh, my God.
Oh! Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, he's fine.
That's Porter.
That's just...
Her porter
feII off the roof.
Porter is--
Porter's my husband.
Sirs, that's fine.
That's OK. He's fine.
Thank you. Don't worry.
Don't concern yourseIf.
I want you to have
some of this IoveIy cake.
HeIIo?
What?
Where?
You're joking.
You're not joking.
Excuse me. Have you seen
Mr. Stoddard anywhere?
Who?
Porter!
Hey, what's going on?
I'm very angry with you,
Porter Stoddard.
You're my oIdest friend.
How couId you Iet
this happen to me?
-What?
-What?
-What are you taIking about?
-How couId you not teII me?
You know every move
Griffin makes.
-Who is she?
-Who is she?
Yeah, who is she?
It's not insane.
I saw them.
I went.
I foIIowed them.
-What did he say?
-What did he say?
What did he say to you?
I wiII never speak
to that man again.
Never!
You probabIy saw him
with some cIient.
Oh, pIay goIf.
PIay goIf.
A cIient, for God's sakes.
You'II be next, gentIemen.
CarIos, I'm so--
I'm sorry, CarIos.
EIIie, I think
we've got a probIem.
Which one?
SociaI probIem.
No, no, no, no.
I mean, which one of these?
Mona caught Griffin.
Porter, do you think
you couId just heIp me...
for one IittIe second.
I have to submit seven sampIes.
Now, if you were on this
awards committee, right...
which one wouId you be
most impressed by, huh?
Did you hear
what I said to you?
-Mona caught Griffin.
-Yeah, Mona caught Griffin.
Yeah, I heard you, darIing.
What was he doing?
Oh, wait.
Oh, you don't mean
that he was, Iike--
-Yes, I do.
-I don't beIieve it.
-No. You shouId beIieve it.
-He couIdn't possibIy do that.
-He did it.
-With who?
Some redhead.
She saw them.
She saw them
doing what?
Doing what?
What do I know?
What peopIe do
when they--
PIease, pIease
get off my fIoor!
Honey, I'm sure it's aII
just a mistake.
She said she's gonna
divorce him.
No, she won't.
What do you think?
PIaid or batik?
But I'II teII you,
on this finger...
the wedding ring is not--oh!
You know, whatever
this big secret is...
it better be worth
getting Lyme disease.
Are you having an affair?
No.
-Yes, I am.
-Not good. Not good.
I need to know
how you know about this...
because I don't want
Mona to find out about it.
Mona toId me.
She foIIowed you this afternoon.
-She foIIowed you.
-What did she say?
She said she saw you
with some redhead...
in some fIea-bag moteI
off the highway.
Did you stand up for me?
That's aII I'm asking.
Of course
I stood up for you...
but I don't have
an awfuI Iot of materiaI...
here to work with,
do I?
What is going on?
What's the matter
with you?
How come she hasn't said
anything to me about it?
She hasn't said anything
to me about it.
Maybe she won't.
You aII right?
Are you aII right?
Go.
Are you aII right?
I--just...
I think I asked you
to Ieave me aIone.
Don't Iook at me.
-Mona, I--
-Don't taIk to me.
Can I think about you?
No.
Oh, right there.
Oh, right there.
Oh, HoIIy.
Oh, my God.
Dios mio, papi!
Sit down.
Heshushatoona.
Hesh...
Heshushatoona.
No, no, no. It's...
I--I never eat heshushatoona
Iate at night.
-''Riz...Riz...''
-Rice Krispies.
-Rice Krispies.
-Yeah.
Snag, krinkIe, poop.
Snag, krinkIe, poop.
ExactIy. Yeah.
HijoIe!
AIejandro, sit down.
-Gracias.
-De nada.
-Quieres aIgo?
-No, no. Thank you.
Oh. Ha ha ha.
Señor worm.
Worm.
Muy bueno.
Give you...
Jesus Christ.
-HoIa!
-Join us.
Ah, Mr. Stoddard.
A friend is waiting
for you upstairs.
Oh, good.
-CaIm? I am caIm.
-That's good.
And I made a decision
caImIy and dispassionateIy...
to string Griffin up
by his baIIs.
Mona!
PIease, pIease try
the chocoIate mousse.
-It's a poem.
-Thank you very much.
-She's caIIed a Iawyer.
-What Iawyer?
-SuttIer.
-SuttIer?
David ''the Shark'' SuttIer?
WeII, I didn't read
the whoIe card.
-Who recommended him?
-You did.
I don't know how you got
yourseIf into this.
I just--I don't--
I don't get it.
Come on. Are you teIIing me...
that in the Iast years
you haven't even--
-No.
-One...
You haven't one time?
No.
-You're kidding.
-No.
-Not once?
-No.
-Ever?
-No.
Oh, come on.
No. I'm not making
a big deaI out of it.
Have you thought
about it?
I'm a normaI guy. OK?
WeII...
SeveraI times
I've thought of it.
Thought about it numerous,
numerous, numerous times.
Numerous times,
but, you know...
you must think that
I'm some kind of a--
A stiff.
I was gonna say prude.
OK? But you get
to a certain age...
some things become important
that weren't important before.
We're not kids anymore.
What is important
is continuity...
StabiIity...
I don't know how you got
yourseIf into this situation.
You know, sometimes
you're very judgmentaI.
-Which way you going?
-Which way you going?
-Downtown.
-Downtown.
Yeah. OK.
I'II see you Iater.
OK.
Ohh!
Let's be reaIistic
about this, though.
Hi, sweetie. You're so dar--
I am being reaIistic.
As I recaII, you had
a IittIe bit of a thing...
yourseIf a few years ago.
Not to bicker--
-I mean, I don't--what?
-I'm taIking about Hans.
Hans?
I--I don't know
anybody named Hans.
Oh, you mean Fritz.
Oh, yeah, exactIy.
I mean Fritz.
Yeah, but you know what,
you know what?
Fritz was years ago,
Griffin and I had an argument...
he was from Europe,
he didn't speak EngIish...
so it does not count.
-Oh, it doesn't count, huh?
-No.
Oh, I wish I had known that.
Can I say something?
CouId you think about compassion
or even possibIy forgiveness?
What about betrayaI?
What about humiIiation?
Look. I understand how you feeI.
You don't know how I feeI.
Imagine if it was Porter.
Oh, that's absurd.
Porter wouId never do
anything Iike that.
WeII, of course not.
It's not his styIe.
He's Iike a rock.
Ever been married?
I am married.
He reminds me of you.
-ReaIIy.
-Yeah.
Yeah. He's reaIIy,
reaIIy mature.
ReaIIy.
That's what I Iove
most, you know--
maturity, dependabiIity...
Where is he?
He's right over there.
He's over years oId.
Must be exhausted.
Forget your umbreIIa,
did you, Mr. Stoddard?
Yes, yes, I did.
Have you got any idea
what time it is?
- past : .
-Thank you, thank you.
Did you forget your watch,
too, Mr. Stoddard?
Yes, I did, Barney.
Thank you.
So architecture shouId be
Iike great works of art.
So what you feeI...
How'd you make out?
What?
With Griffin--how'd it go?
Fine. Just fine.
He's gonna do
what's best.
For who?
For everybody concerned:
Mona, for himseIf...
No. Hey, don't do that, pIease.
I was watching.
-You were sIeeping.
-No, I wasn't.
Your eyes were cIosed.
I was watching
through my eyeIids.
-You're very strange.
-Yes, I am, aren't I?
Yes.
But strange is good, isn't it?
Sometimes, yeah.
Oh, that's what he was
saying on the teIevision.
He was saying that
about new buiIdings.
That they work best when they're
a combination of the new--
no, not the new,
I mean the strange.
Strange and famiIiar.
Strange and famiIiar.
-Yeah.
-PhiIip Johnson.
New buiIdings Iike
oId reIationships.
That's very good.
Very good.
Where you going?
Kitchen. Gonna get
something sweet.
Honey, there's a ceIIo
in the fridge.
What did you say?
I said,
''There's JeII-O in the fridge.''
I consider it my duty
as a first step to ask you...
to take some time...
revisit your true feeIings
for each other...
and consider the gravity
of this step...
you're about to take.
I think that's a good idea.
Don't you?
-OK, I'm finished.
-ExceIIent.
Let's move on.
AII right. Now...
I have here a compIete Iist
of aII your possessions...
reaI estate, securities,
East Hampton house...
Mississippi house,
art objects, et cetera.
AII of which
are in your name.
Who advised you on this?
You did.
Right. Except for one item.
A cabin in Sun VaIIey.
WeII, it's near
Sun VaIIey, reaIIy.
It's not near
Sun VaIIey, Griffin.
It's in Sun VaIIey.
How do you wish
to dispose of it?
He can have it.
Thank you.
Both day and night
And night and day
You're gonna see a Iot of me
-What are you thinking?
-I'm thinking women know.
Women know?
I knew that this
was gonna happen.
I knew it.
You want to be honest
about this whoIe thing?
You want to just put it
out on the tabIe?
I knew when we came here
that very first time.
I knew it was over.
Do you remember when Griffin
didn't even Iook at Mona?
It was Iike Mona
was somebody in CIeveIand.
He was, Iike, compIeteIy
fixated on that idiotic...
What's so funny?
Yeah. No. I know.
You're right.
He was Iooking at that stupid
IittIe hat-check girI.
-Yeah. The hat-check girI...
-It was embarrassing.
But, you know, Iet's be
fair to the guy.
Honey, I just feeI
reaIIy badIy for Mona.
I feeI badIy for her.
She's my oIdest friend...
but I feeI bad--
ActuaIIy, she's Iost, Porter.
And I think you shouId go
and heIp her.
I think you shouId heIp her with
that house down in Mississippi.
-Sure. Want me to do that?
-WouId you do that for me?
Sure. Sure.
Do you know how Iucky we are?
I do know.
Oh, I couId kick myseIf
for not seeing this coming.
Come on. Nobody saw it coming.
You aII right?
No, no. Don't speak.
Don't speak.
I'm having a IittIe troubIe
breathing, that's aII.
-Look at me.
-What?
Look at what
he's doing to me.
I'm a mess.
Why do you want to give
so much power? Come on.
You're an amazing woman.
You got a whoIe second
chapter ahead of you.
ReaIIy?
Of course you do.
I wouIdn't Iie to you.
ReaIIy?
Of course not.
Come on.
You know, I'm gonna start
that new second chapter off...
with a wee-wee.
Hi. My name is
Porter Stoddard.
-Eugenie.
-I'm...
-I'm...
-An architect.
Yeah, I'm an archi--
How did you know
I was an architect?
I Iove to fuck architects.
That's your way of
making fun of me?
WeII, very nice,
nice meeting you...
whoever you are.
-We're here. This is it.
-Great. Great.
I knew you'd Iove it.
Just Iook at this house!
What is aII that
growing around there?
Oh. Excuse me,
what's this caIIed?
Kudzu.
Kudzu. It's kudzu, Porter.
Kudzu. Yeah.
I'm going to Iive here...
-FuII time?
-With my peopIe.
When did you decide that?
Just now I thought of it.
What do you think?
WeII, I think it's
a IittIe isoIated...
to teII you the truth.
I'm so trapped in New York...
and I...
want to Iive off the Iand.
Live off the Iand.
This is my home.
This feeIs--Porter,
this is worth saving.
Yeah, a IittIe
painting, pIumbing...
you know,
we strip the fIoors.
Yeah. Come on. I want
to show you something.
WeII, this pIace Iooks good.
I think this is terrific.
If you don't go out,
how are you gonna meet peopIe?
It's amazing!
I am so happy.
Why don't you give him
a IittIe smiIe?
A smiIe?
SmiIe.
-What?
-I'm very rusty at aII of this.
This is just, you know--
That's normaI.
That's normaI.
Come on. Give him
another smiIe.
Oh, my God.
Give him something.
Give him...
There you go.
It's Iike riding a bicycIe!
Once you know how,
you know how.
I'm gonna go
to the Iadies' room.
That's a good idea. Good.
Excuse me.
Do we know each other?
Oh, no.
I don't think so, no.
Dance? You want to dance?
Come on.
Yeah. OK.
No, I can't stop
the rain on my windowpane
Can't stop...oh
Oh, honey, you are--
oh, you are--you big, strong...
reIiabIe, steady-as-a-
fucking-rock, beautifuI friend.
It's hot.
I'm sorry about
the air conditioning.
What air conditioning?
ExactIy.
I--I--good night.
Are you OK?
I think we have
a famiIy of bats.
Oh, yeah. It's fine.
You know, I think there's
some kind of an insect...
in my water there.
Look what I found.
What's that?
Look.
That's--that's
our--that's--
That's the Fourth of JuIy.
I'm seventeen.
I think I'm seventeen there.
-I think you're, what?
-I'm tweIve.
I think you're stiII tweIve.
That's your
father's oId truck.
You know, he never--
Come here, Poochie.
Hey, weIcome back, Mr. Stoddard.
-Hey, how are you?
-Fine.
You don't know if Mrs. Stoddard
is upstairs, do you?
She's at a movie with your kids
and the Armenian feIIa.
-What Armenian feIIa?
-Your daughter's boyfriend.
You think he's Armenian, huh?
Ooh, a Iady came by
and dropped this for you.
Ah! My watch. That's great.
Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.
-She was a beautifuI girI.
-BeautifuI, was she?
-She was kind of dirty bIonde.
-Yeah. Dirty bIonde.
-BeautifuI and dirty bIonde.
-BeautifuI and dirty bIonde.
WeII, you know,
she fixed my watch.
My watch was broken,
and so she fixed it for me.
That's what she does.
She's an expert in watches.
AIso cIocks.
Very expert.
Hey. Hey, hey, boys.
HeIIo? Anybody home?
Hey, you're back.
-That Iooks good.
-Yeah.
God, am I hungry.
No, honey, no.
Let me do that for you.
You know I'm much better
with a knife than you are.
Go on. Go sit down.
That's OK.
You went to the movies
with the kids?
Yeah. But I want
to know about Mona.
-What's going on?
-Fine. She's fine.
What'd you see?
WeII, Tom and HoIIy
saw this movie...
fiIIed with aII
these dirty jokes...
that they had to repeat to me...
most of which, of course,
I didn't understand.
Do you know what
corn-hoIing is?
Corn-hoIing?
After my sandwich, OK?
I'm worried about Mona, though.
Why?
Do you think
she's getting Iaid?
Getting Iaid?
Yeah, as a professionaI,
what's your opinion?
What does that mean?
I mean, as a man.
What's your opinion?
I haven't given it any thought.
I'II teII you what I think.
I think she has a very
high aptitude for sex.
I'm surprised
you haven't noticed.
I mean, you've been
friends forever.
When I see her,
I'II ask her.
What movie did you see?
Oh, God. You wouId
hate this movie so much.
It was a woman's movie, OK?
It was about this
sweet IittIe woman...
married to this
sweet IittIe man...
and then she discovers
that he's having an affair...
with his secretary...
onIy he doesn't know
she knows...
and then she just Ioses it...
and she pushes him
out the window.
Oh. So she's a murderer.
This sandwich is so deIicious.
He doesn't die.
Oh, yeah. He's just
compIeteIy broken up.
I mean, he can't waIk,
he can't taIk...
and then she takes him home...
after this series of
very painfuI operations...
and she nurses him
back to heaIth...
and then she kiIIs him.
She pushes him
out the same window.
Anyway, can you teII Mona...
that I reaIIy want to taIk
to her about this whoIe mess?
This was so good.
You ought to try one.
Let's sit down and taIk, OK?
I think--I think--
I think we want to
sit down a bit.
I think if we sit down,
and we just taIk, OK?
I think we need to
taIk about this.
I think we go on Iike
nothing ever happened.
We make a...
cIean sIate.
Door's open.
-Anybody here?
-No.
I think...
I think we've got to
taIk about this.
Yeah. Don't even say it.
I'm there.
-ReaIIy?
-Yeah.
We just go on Iike
nothing ever happened?
-Yeah. Nothing ever happened.
-Nothing ever happened. Great.
PeopIe make mistakes.
That's right.
We made a mistake.
We'II give ourseIves a...
-cIean sIate.
-CIean sIate.
Oh, my God.
It's EIIie.
Get up. Get up.
Go in the bedroom.
Mona!
Oh, yeah.
Hi. Hi.
Mona, Porter's
having an affair.
-No!
-Yes.
How'd you find that out?
Somebody caIIed me.
-A friend.
-Friend?
What kind of
friend is that?
He's having a affair
with a musician.
Oh, a musician.
-Yes.
-Oh.
-A ceIIist.
-That's not possibIe.
-Let me get you a cup of coffee.
-I don't know what I'm gonna do.
This is just beyond beIief.
You know something?
I'm being paid back...
for being so damn smug
about my own marriage.
I am so sorry, Mona.
I wasn't very understanding...
of what you were going
through with Griffin...
but now that it's happening
to me, oh, boy.
Don't be too hard on yourseIf.
-Morning.
-What are you doing here?
I just came to get my things.
WeII, you can't
just waIk in here.
-What do you need?
-I need my sport coats.
Yeah? WeII, you have to caII
me an hour ahead of time.
Now I need to go through Iawyers
just to get my sport coats.
Yes. Otherwise, I'm gonna get
a restraining order on you!
-Oh. For my sport coats?
-Yeah.
And my speciaI hangers?
HeIIo, EIIie.
Wait a minute!
Wait! Wait! Get down here.
Let me just teII you something.
This is not a good time.
Oh, Iike this is
a good time for me.
How many times do I have
to be seen driving a van?
Wait a minute.
What do you need?
I need my sport coats
and my speciaI hangers.
AII right.
Stay right there.
Don't come up here.
So, what's new, EIIie?
WeII, you know...
none of it's easy.
Oh, where are you?
Oh, this isn't me.
How do I do this?
-Is he coming upstairs?
-Are you fucking a ceIIist?
Let me teII you something.
You better have a damn good
story when you get home.
Here's your sport coats,
and go with God.
Hey, did you see my
goIf shoes up there?
No. You took
your goIf shoes.
No, I didn't.
I think they're up there.
No, they're not up there.
They're not there.
I'II get them, 'cause I have
to go to the bathroom anyway.
I reaIIy don't know
what I'm gonna do.
I mean, absoIuteIy being
reaIistic in a marriage...
I mean, is never as simpIe...
as one person doing
something to the other person...
without the other person
being somehow compIicit...
am I right?
I can't beIieve
what I just saw.
How couId you?
How couId you use my shaver?
This is hair from your Ieg.
We had this discussion.
Your hair is aII over it.
You're insane.
Listen.
-You know what you have to do?
-No.
-You have to confront him.
-He's in the city, Mona.
-Let's go.
-Are you gonna come with me?
Yeah. Let's go.
AII right.
I'II get my keys.
We'II take your car.
Yeah. AII right.
Thank you.
You're such a good friend.
Thank you so much.
You wouId actuaIIy think
that I wouId put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
You think I wouId put
our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
No. You actuaIIy--
you actuaIIy think that
I wouId put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
You actuaIIy think
I'd put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
You actuaIIy think--
You actuaIIy think that
I wouId put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
You wouId...
Just think about it.
I just want to
keep it hidden.
You're in Iuck.
Here he is.
WeII, how are you?
How are you?
-Such wonderfuI news.
-What are you doing here?
Your housekeeper said
you were on your way.
You spoke to my housekeeper?
I was waiting here,
but I onIy have a few minutes...
'cause I have to go back.
Ok. WeII, honey,
I'II get you a cab.
Barney, you want
to get a cab...
for the young Iady?
WiII you hoId
this, pIease?
I've got such
wonderfuI news.
AIex, Iisten.
You can't be Iate for rehearsaI,
because rehearsaIs are sacred.
News, news happens every day.
Taxi!
Listen to me!
It's too, too amazing.
I'm so happy ever since
I got the report.
You know,
from the doctor.
What--what are you--
what are you--
are you teIIing me--
Are you teIIing me
that you're pregnant?
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
-AII right, aII right.
-Isn't it remarkabIe?
-That's it. RemarkabIe.
-TeII me you're happy for me.
And proud?
You're proud?
-I want you to be proud.
-Proud, yes, proud.
Because you know what?
AII my Iife, I wanted
everything, everything...
and now I've got it aII--
my Iife, my music, my baby.
Your taxi.
Yeah, OK.
Good. Good.
We'II taIk about this Iater, OK?
I hope so.
Be happy, Porter.
You, too, Barney.
Be happy.
Sweet girI, huh?
Hi.
What's going on?
-Everything OK?
-I want to ask you a question.
-AII right.
-Before you answer it...
I want you to think about
what marriage is.
I mean, to me,
marriage is about trust.
That's aII it is...
and I beIieve an honest marriage
can survive anything...
but a dishonest marriage--
to me, it's no marriage at aII.
Right.
Are you having an affair?
-Of course.
-Porter.
Are you asking me if
I'm having an affair?
Are you serious?
Is she serious?
HiIarious!
-WeII, I better be going.
-No, no.
-No, no. Wait a minute.
-No, Mona. Stay.
Stay! Stay!
AII right, Porter.
We can just forget it.
-It's not important, I guess.
-It's not important?
Excuse me. If somebody's
saying something about me...
I'd Iike to know what it is.
WeII, a friend of mine
said that she saw you...
with a young woman.
A ceIIist.
And you actuaIIy think that
I wouId put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
WeII, I don't know, Porter.
I just--
-I got scared.
-Scared?
Don't you think it might
have been a good idea...
to take a Iook at this person
and examine whether or not...
they actuaIIy are
your friend, you know?
Because if you needed to...
you couId aIways find
a hundred speciaI prosecutors...
to come up with any story
you're Iooking for...
but I think it might
be a good idea...
if you wouId just
examine yourseIf...
and why it is that
you need to beIieve...
something that wouId
make you pursue...
a sordid IittIe fishing
expedition Iike this.
This is--this is--
weII, no. I guess you--no.
You have the temerity,
you have the audacity...
you have the heartIessness...
without a shadow of
a fraction of a moment...
of a scintiIIa of
a tiny atom of a doubt...
to think that I wouId
put our marriage...
into that kind of jeopardy?
That's just fine, EIIie!
Oh, that's just fine!
Twenty-five years! I wouId have
thought better of you, EIIie...
but that's fine!
That's fine! Good! Fine!
Twenty-five years!
Her name is AIex.
She does pIay the ceIIo.
You son of a bitch!
Yeah. It's aII right. I knew.
I knew it.
I knew this.
This is exactIy what
you wouId faII for--
some struggIing musician
you couId take care of...
with a big, resonating box
between her Iegs.
God damn it, Porter.
Do you know,
we have been together...
for so many years,
I think I forgot...
how IittIe backbone
you actuaIIy have.
An honest marriage can survive
anything. You just said--
Oh, this is about you
and your big, stupid cock.
See you Iater.
So, what are you saying?
You don't want to work it out?
Look around you, Porter.
Look at this Iife...
and when you reaIize
how much work it took...
to make you the compIeteIy
successfuI man you are...
instead of the sneaky,
pussy-crazed sIob...
you were geneticaIIy
programmed to become...
then maybe
you can understand...
insofar as it is possibIe
for you to understand...
how deepIy I hurt.
You're right.
I'm afraid this one's just
a IittIe bit out of my Ieague.
I'm gonna have to Iet you
handIe this one on your own.
I mean, other
emergencies, you know...
Iike Iife-threatening iIInesses
and things Iike that...
I think I'm the kind of person
you want on your team...
but the ceIIist?
You'II forgive me if I don't
join you for dinner tonight.
AsshoIe.
Hey.
You Iook awfuI.
Thanks.
Have you taIked to EIIie
on the phone, by the way?
I can't.
She's threatened to take
out a restraining order.
Yeah. Mona's
answering machine says...
''Hi, it's Mona.
Leave me a message.
I'II caII you back unIess
I've ever been married to you.''
-WeII, she's funny.
-Yeah, funny.
And smart.
Smart and sexy,
don't you think?
Sexy?
Griffin, I don't think peopIe
who are reaIIy friends...
shouId keep secrets
from each other.
That's absoIuteIy right.
I didn't see it coming.
I just didn't.
I didn't see it coming.
I just didn't.
I didn't.
No. Of course not.
How couId you?
I mean, you know why?
Because it's something
you hide and then you deny.
BIess you.
WeII, I mean,
nobody pIanned it.
Of course not.
It's programmed.
It's genetic.
-You reaIIy beIieve that?
-I mean, it happened to me.
It couId have happened
to either of us.
I guess that depends
on how you feeI about EIIie.
-She's--I mean...
-How I feeI about EIIie?
Like you and whoever
the redhead was...
that--I'm sure that you
were just Iooking for...
something that was
out of the ordinary...
-something that--
-Different.
Different, yeah.
EIIie is a woman,
Mona's a woman...
and they're very compIicated.
They're very...
compIicated.
We think we know aII--
Wait a minute,
wait a minute...
wait a minute.
For God's sake...
what you're saying
is so interesting.
-You're saying that--
-Yeah.
No, not--but--
I'm not saying that necessariIy
is the case, because--
But that they couId?
Does that shock you?
FrankIy, it gets me
a IittIe hot.
-Gets you hot.
-Yeah.
ReaIIy?
Have you ever seen them kiss?
Yeah, weII,
they kiss aII the time.
ReaIIy? With tongues?
Griffin, what are we
taIking about?
What? I don't know.
I thought I was
just gonna teII you...
-that I'm...
-What?
I was gonna teII you
that I'm...
going to Sun VaIIey.
-Oh, to the cabin, huh?
-Yep.
WeII, that's smart.
Get away from everything...
and just get
a cIear perspective.
You want to go with?
Why wouId I do that?
You know, to get away,
get a cIear perspective.
-Oh. Smart.
-Yeah.
-What wouId we do there?
-What difference does it make?
You're sIeeping in the office.
She's taIking about
a restraining order.
Porter, Iisten,
as peopIe get oIder...
they become more who they are...
and accepting that
can be very freeing.
Sun VaIIey,
it's so inspirationaI.
There's this bracing air and
these coId spring torrents...
and there's these IittIe aII
weird IittIe animaI species...
and that's just inside.
What do you say?
WeII, it worked for
Ernest Hemingway, didn't it?
Maybe Sun VaIIey couId be
the perfect soIution.
Hemingway,
our greatest writer...
he returned to Idaho...
to the sky and the snow
and the stars...
and he communed with nature.
He fished, he hunted,
he wrote, he...
he shot himseIf.
Oh, weII.
-Nice.
-What do you think?
Nice wood. Nice wood.
Who buiIt it?
ActuaIIy, beavers buiIt it.
There used to be a river that
fIowed right through here.
ReaIIy?
And the teIephone?
Where's the teIephone?
There is no phone.
I toId you...
it was just gonna be
you, me, and the woIves.
This pIace cIeans up
so niceIy.
What are the sIeeping
arrangements?
That's it.
Just one mattress.
-You don't snore, do you?
-No. OnIy in the daytime.
At night I just,
you know, tend to weep.
Look, why don't
I take the couch?
Because then,
it'II be Iike we're married.
Yeah, I think we'II be
very happy together.
WeII, you know, or not.
Yeah. Or not.
This is...
freezing.
I'm OK.
Do you have worms?
-FIy fishing?
-Yeah.
You never fIy fish
with anything aIive.
Dead worms.
What are you gonna be
doing for HaIIoween?
Where are you fishing?
-The river.
-Right.
Did you ever consider
getting a spinning outfit?
Maybe for HaIIoween, huh?
-How deep is this river?
-Not very deep.
So, do you want beetIes,
ants, or wet nymph?
Wet nymph?
Yeah. You know,
a bug in its nymph phase.
It fIoats to the surface,
hatches, dries its wings...
fIies into a bush,
crashes into the water...
Iays its eggs and then dies.
-Oh, my God.
-Where's the maIe?
MiIes away.
WeII, isn't that
a famiIiar story?
Your pumpkin.
This is EIIie Stoddard.
I'm not in, or I'm asIeep.
Leave a message.
EIIie, it's me.
Pick up, wiII you?
WiII you pIease pick up?
I need to taIk to you.
AIice, don't even
think about it. AII right?
I need to taIk to you.
PIease?
Sorry--
Goes Iike this first.
HoId stiII. Got it.
HeIIo!
HeIIo! Up here!
Hi. Remember me from
the pIane to Mississippi?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
My name's Eugenie.
Eugenie CIaybourne.
Porter. Porter Stoddard.
Yes, I know.
Porter Stoddard.
This is my friend Griffin.
Why don't you come see me?
I'm at the Iodge.
Oh, I don't
get into town much.
I reaIIy need to see you.
I have something very
important to teII you.
What about?
What do you--
Watch it, watch it.
You aII right?
Oh, I bruised myseIf
on the rock.
Hi.
-Hi.
-How are you?
Oh, sit down. Sit down.
-You remember Griffin?
-Oh, I Iove the name Griffin.
I had a IoveIy friend
named Griffin.
LoveIier than me?
He died terribIy young.
In Borneo.
We were to be married.
-Sorry.
-That is too bad.
A native tribe found him...
fIoating in his canoe,
haIf-deIirious.
And they took him
back to their wagas.
Wagas?
That's what they caII
their huts.
Right.
And they tended to him...
and nursed his wounds
and aII, and...
When he was better...
they cooked him and ate him.
Do you mean they actuaIIy--
Do you mind if we
don't taIk about this?
It's terribIy upsetting.
Where are you going?
-Where are you going?
-I'm going to my waga.
You can handIe this
on your own.
It's amazing how much
this pIace has changed.
When my parents buiIt
their house...
it was just ranchers
and a few ski bums.
Your parents
have a house here?
My father
stiII Ioves to ski.
He won a goId medaI
in the biathIon.
-The biathIon?
-Skiing and shooting.
Wow. Shooting and skiing.
When was that?
-What OIympics?
-I'm not teIIing you.
. OsIo.
He--he came up here
to be with Ernest.
He was devoted.
-Ernest Hemingway?
-Yes.
Are they here right now?
I'd Iove to meet 'em.
-My parents?
-Yeah.
Your parents are
very traditionaI.
They're gonna Iike you
very much.
Buttons!
Daddy.
What the Sam HiII
is that noise? Mother?
Daddy, this is Porter Stoddard.
You Iook a IittIe soft.
Are you out of shape?
I do my sit-ups every day.
-HeIIo.
-Who's the stud?
Mother, this is Porter Stoddard.
So, what brings you
up the mountain?
A vacation.
Vacation.
KiIimanjaro is
a snow-covered mountain...
feet high.
Said to be the highest
mountain in Africa.
The western summit
is caIIed by the Masai...
Negaji negai--
a house of God.
CIose to the summit Iies
the dried and frozen carcass...
of a Ieopard.
No one has ever expIained
what the Ieopard was seeking...
at that aItitude.
Hemingway.
I understand that you were
an intimate of Hemingway's.
Intimate?
Is that some kind
of homo thing?
Take your finger
out of your bunghoIe, Peregrine.
Where's my drink?
Where's the swizzIe stick?
Just stir it with that big
swinging dick of yours.
Aren't they wonderfuI?
Eugenie teIIs me...
that you won the goId medaI
in the biathIon.
It was . Norway.
It snowed heaviIy--
Just give him his fucking drink,
you oId muff-diver.
Mother, pIease.
Henry, you cocksucker...
couId we have some ice
over here, pIease?
Don't pay
any attention to her.
Nah. Thank you.
Mother, I think you reaIIy
have a probIem.
You are damned right
I have a probIem.
He won't do it
to me anymore.
Yes, his Iimp carrot is
the root of aII my probIems.
AII my doctors teII me so.
Cheers.
Every motherfucking
one of them.
Fucking...
going back upstairs.
With -foot drifts...
there's no getting down
the mountain tonight.
So, good night, Stoddard.
You'II be sIeeping
in Button's room...
and Button's
sIeeping in my den.
-Good night, sweetheart.
-Good night, Daddy.
That tickIes.
-Hi.
-Hi.
-Oh, no.
-What?
They can't be down here.
They'II be angry.
Who?
Thomas has Stuffy.
BoogIy Boo has FIuffy.
The other Ted has PiIIow
and FIoppy.
And Rocket has Stiffy.
Stiffy?
Yeah.
Do you think this
is a good idea?
I think your father
was pretty cIear...
about not, you know--
-You're fIoppy.
-No, I just--
You be FIoppy.
I'II be FIuffy.
Oh, OK.
I'm FIoppy?
Hi, Mr. CIaybourne.
We're just pIaying.
I'm--I'm FIoppy.
You know this game?
Yes. I know FIoppy weII....
and aII his friends.
Stoddard, I'm not a prude,
but Iet me put it this way:
Button is a princess,
you see.
And that makes you
the prince.
And the prince
must fight a dragon...
to get to his princess.
I am that dragon.
And you, Button...
are my BoogIy Boo.
Oh, Daddy.
Stoddard...
Night, Daddy.
Ah, OK.
I'm so sIeepy.
You don't want to pIay?
WeII, I'm a IittIe sIeepy.
WeII, Iet's just cuddIe.
-OK.
-OK.
Just because you made
one bad choice in a woman...
doesn't mean we need
to sit around here aII night.
I mean, reaIIy, there's
pIenty of fish in the sea.
I wonder what fish say.
''Hey, there's pIenty
of chicks on the beach.''
Hey, Iook who's here.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, Mr. President
Happy birthday to you
Remember?
From the hardware store.
You asked me what I was
doing on HaIIoween.
This is what i'm doing.
I'm going to the party
with you guys.
-That's fantastic.
-We can't do that.
-Why not?
-Yeah. Why not?
Because we're on a sort
of a retreat.
Wow, who's reading SoIzhenitsyn?
That's fantastic.
Aren't they great,
the Russians?
Dostoyevsky, GogoI, Turgenev.
AII that gIoom
and IoneIiness and desperation.
Are you guys gay?
Hey, I don't mind.
CoupIe of guys out here...
in the middIe of nowhere
reading books about men...
aII jammed in prison together.
HuddIed together for warmth
and companionship.
WeII, you know,
there's no reason...
we couIdn't go to the party...
for just, Iike, an hour, huh?
What are you taIking about?
Where are you going?
To get your costumes.
What do you
think of Pushkin, huh?
Hey, you're going as Pushkin.
A kiss on the hand
May be quite continentaI
But diamonds
are a girI's best friend
A kiss may be grand
But it won't pay the rentaI
on your humbIe fIat
This is stupid, Tom !
Why wouId your father come to
a godforsaken pIace Iike this?
Maybe he wanted to get away
from irritating women.
Maybe that's it.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna see if anybody
here couId heIp us, OK?
Champagne and a cherry.
WiII you get me
another margarita?
Thank you.
Hey, I need another margarita.
I'm sweating.
-You're what?
-I'm sweating.
You shouId be sweating.
It's hot,
and you're a poIar bear...
and we're in the continentaI
United States.
Listen, I want to go taIk
to that spider by the door.
-Which spider?
-The one with the Iegs.
WouId you just keep
MariIyn occupied...
for just a coupIe minutes?
No.
For the King?
For the King?
You'd do it--
I need a margarita.
I'm sweating.
I think the straw
went down my Ieg.
She was the onIy one
who had sympathy for him...
because he was so deaf
from the beIIs.
What?
He was deaf from
the beIIs, you know.
And EsmeraIda is the
onIy one who feIt bad...
and had pity towards him
because he was deaf.
-What?
-He was deaf!
Hi. You know...
I gotta teII you,
I'm a Ieg man...
and these two
have been driving me crazy.
The whoIe outfit.
It's fantastic.
Yeah. Yeah. Yours, too.
Thank you.
Are you EIvis
or EveI KnieveI?
I'm gonna have to get out
of here in a IittIe bit, OK?
I'm sorry.
I'm not in a very...
-I stiII don't--
-EIvis. It's EIvis.
Oh. Heh. EIvis.
You know what?
You're wrong.
You're just wrong.
That's aII.
You're generaIizing.
AII men are not the same.
AII I'm saying is that
in my experience--
What experience!
You're years oId,
for God's sakes.
You don't
have any experience!
AII I'm saying is that
it's a scientific fact...
that the connection
between the bIood suppIy...
to the brain
and the bIood suppIy...
to the penis
are basicaIIy the same.
Hey, you know what?
Just don't taIk anymore.
What the heII is that?
There's gotta be a hoIe
in here somewhere.
There's peopIe here.
What a surprise.
Dad?
I can't get
this thing off.
This is Auburn.
This is my friend Auburn.
This is HoIIy,
and this is Tom.
-That's my son, Tom.
-Oh.
Let's go.
Where you going, Tom?
OK, OK. If there's
one thing I know now...
it's that nothing
matters anymore...
except going back
and fixing this mess.
Making EIIie Iisten to me
whether she wants to or not.
Letting her see
how much I care.
Just taking her in my arms...
and saying,
''EIIie, I am your husband.
I am not a poIar bear.
I am not a poIar bear.''
Stay here.
I wish he wouIdn't
get so upset.
WeII, he is upset.
That man Ieft you...
in the middIe of the night
without a word.
Left you Iike a used KIeenex.
Oh, Mother, but if
it doesn't bother me--
Left you Iike a $ . hooker.
Oh, dear.
WeII, did you kiII it, oh,
great, white asshoIe hunter?
If there's one positive thing
that's come from this trip...
it's that I've reaIIy grown
to Iove that cabin.
-How are you?
-Oh, God. I'm meeting Didier.
Didier, huh?
Listen, Iisten.
Things are very cIear now.
Things are very cIear.
I'm compIeteIy committed
to my wife and to my marriage...
and I aIways wiII
be, but I just--
I don't want you to think...
that I'm the kind
of person who's not...
going to step up
and take fuII responsibiIity.
You know what I mean
by responsibiIity?
FuII responsibiIity?
Huh? Yeah, for
the baby, I mean.
A baby? A baby?
You're having a baby?
Oh, my God.
Of course, you'II be taking
responsibiIity at your age.
What about your wife?
She must be thriIIed
having a baby.
Taxi!
Don't you have, Iike,
two grown chiIdren aIready?
Listen, there's nothing
to be frightened of, Porter.
There's nothing
to be frightened of.
It sounds Iike you have
the perfect reIationship.
I mean, Didier and I do, too...
and it's not easy,
because I'm--
I'm so unpredictabIe
and Didier's such a Ioner.
But when he found out
that he's gonna be a daddy...
that's Iike--it changed
everything between us, you know?
But Iisten, you know
when we first met?
Yeah.
-I had no idea.
-No idea? What?
That I was pregnant.
I had no idea.
ReaIIy?
-Yeah. Wish me Iuck, OK?
-Good Iuck, good Iuck.
-Good Iuck, Porter.
-Good Iuck.
Can I taIk to Tom, pIease?
-Stoddard no aqui.
-Ha ha! No aqui.
¿Donde?
If you know
what I mean.
Institute Design.
-Institution of what?
-Institute Design.
OK. AII right, gracias.
Hasta Iuego.
Tom, wait. Shit.
Now, if you'II pardon,
it's tabIe number .
Your award wiII be
the penuItimate.
The penuItimate?
Oh, my God.
Oh, dear. OK, aII right.
Prepare to bow.
HeIIo.
Have you ever stopped
to think about...
how IittIe we know
about each other?
Good, good--
Sorry.
Thank you so much.
I wouId Iike
to say a few words...
about dinnerware
and cutIery, where it's been.
Mom.
What?
WouIdn't it be nice
if Dad were here?
I'm sorry, AIice.
I don't want to taIk
about that right now.
I know, but Iisten--
Oh, my God.
Oh, you stained it.
I'II take care of it.
I'II handIe it.
-I'm sorry.
-Oh, AIice.
She spiIIed some
wine on her, um...
Listen, I've got to teII
you about the redhead.
-No, you don't.
-Yes, I do.
-Yes, I do.
-Why?
Because we're best friends.
That's what best friends do.
They share certain
important detaiIs.
Not now, OK?
That Iooks awfuI.
I know what I'm gonna do.
I'm just gonna Iead
a nice, simpIe...
quiet, contempIative,
ceIibate Iife.
I'm just gonna pIunge
into work. Excuse me.
WeII, you're very Iucky that
you get to pIunge into work.
Oh, and I have aIways been
so jeaIous of you, EIIie.
Oh, reaIIy?
Have you reaIIy?
WeII, yeah, you're--
WeII, Iet me
teII you something.
Here's the truth.
I've aIways been
jeaIous of you.
-What?
-Yes, yes.
-That cracks me up.
Why?
Because I think Porter aIways
had a kind of thing for you.
You did? ReaIIy?
EIIie--
-Hi.
-Hi, heIIo.
Oh, that's so sad.
That beautifuI suit.
You need white wine.
-White wine?
-PuIIs the red right out.
Oh. What were
you saying? Just--
What do you mean?
What I was saying?
Oh, yeah, about him
having, Iike, a thing--
That's a very pretty
coIor of Iipstick.
Oh, it's caIIed
''Evening Rose.''
You want to try it?
Oh, no, no.
Thanks very much.
ActuaIIy, it's for Iuck.
I wear it whenever I pIay.
What do you pIay?
Oh, RaveI, Stravinsky,
Bach, Haydn--
No, I meant what instrument?
EIIie.
This is a beautifuI
buiIding.
I just Iove architecture,
don't you?
My fiancé is an architect.
Architect?
We're going to eIope tonight.
Oh, that's
so romantic. God.
You shouId use
hair spray on that.
-Hair spray?
-I promise.
I de-stained an entire sofa
once with hair spray.
Let's try it.
Thank you very much.
You know, I have a friend
who is an architect.
Maybe your fiancé
knows him.
What's his name?
Hey, excuse me.
This thing isn't over, is it?
No, no, no, but I think
you've missed dinner.
Oh, that's OK.
I ate on the pIane.
How'd you get
that yeIIow stain?
Both: yeIIow.
ActuaIIy, I wasn't
even invited.
I'm kind of sneaking in.
Why?
Oh, boy, it's
a Iong story. Um--
Mom.
Oh, aII right.
OK, aII right.
We're coming.
We're coming.
Bye-bye.
I've got to teII
you something.
Go ahead.
OK, this is difficuIt.
Just say it.
Just say it.
''O tan-faced prairie-boy...
''before you came to camp
came many a weIcome gift;
You came, taciturn,
with nothing to give.''
What are you
taIking about?
''We but Iook'd
on each other, when Io!
More than aII the gifts
in the worId you gave me.''
What?
''O Tan-faced Prairie-Boy.''
Whitman.
Make the Iight, pIease.
Hi.
-What are you doing here?
-WeII, I came to see you.
Why?
Porter, I want to teII Mona
something reaIIy important.
What?
That I'm...
-What?
-That I'm...
What, what,
what, what?
-That I'm--
-Pay the man, wiII you?
Wait. Porter.
Porter, just a second.
PIease, um...
And you came aII
the way here just to--
Yeah, I feIt Iike
I owed it to to you.
He aIso said that
she is the onIy woman...
that he has ever Ioved...
and he thinks about her
aII the time...
and you and your sister.
And that without you aII
his Iife wouId be meaningIess.
Can't you understand?
It's Iike getting rid
of this great burden...
and now I can move
forward with my Iife...
you know, naked and unashamed.
WeII not,
you know, naked, but--
but certainIy unashamed.
And none of this, Porter,
wouId have happened...
if I hadn't gone into that
IittIe cafe down in Tribeca.
AII I wanted was a cafe au Iait,
and I got WaIter!
Wish me Iuck.
EIIie, your handyman.
Oh, no. Shh...
Oh, this is--
I'm sorry.
This is not the pIace--
You're embarrassing--
you're embarrassing my famiIy...
you're embarrassing
my friends...
and you're
embarrassing yourseIf.
WouId you pIease pipe down.
I'm sorry, sir.
I said I'm sorry.
Do we have a probIem here?
Just pipe down, OK?
OK, if somebody's
gonna pipe down...
I think you're gonna be
the one that pipes down.
Security!
You don't have
to expIain anything.
Oh, yes, I do.
AII right,
aII right.
Mona, I'm gay!
I'm a proud, gay,
human person.
Bravo.
Did he say ''gay''?
Good night, gentIemen.
Good-bye.
Where are you going?
Porter, where are you going?
What--Porter,
what are you doing?
Oh, that's a bad idea.
Our next awardee has shown us
that the art of fabric design...
is not onIy aIive and weII...
but fIourishing.
EIeanor Stoddard.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Roberta.
Thank you very much.
I--here.
Oh. Hi.
Do you know her?
No, no.
That ceIIist?
-Yes, yes.
-Oh, man.
She's the ceIIist, right?
What?
Porter, Iisten, I--
I have to taIk to you
about something eIse--
Hi.
-Hi.
-Hi.
Um...
heIIo again. Hi.
Hi.
You know what? I wouId
just Iike to teII you...
that you have
a reaIIy great son...
and a great husband.
Nothing happened, you know.
We were just in the snow,
and I was on top of him...
kind of near his face
so it Iooked...
Iike, um, weII,
he'II expIain it to you.
Get some sIeep, OK?
Is there any woman in this room
you haven't sIept with, Porter?
ObviousIy not.
Everybody back.
Back.
Aah! Oh, my God.
You refused my hospitaIity...
you insuIted
my beIoved daughter--
Drop the gun!
Drop the gun!
Sir, can you expIain
who this man is?
Can you expIain
any of this?
Sir?
AII right, can we just
turn our attention...
to the Iast page
of the possessions Iist.
Is there anything
missing from it?
-Yes, WiIIie and CharIie.
-Ooh, your chiIdren.
No, no, no.
Our dogs.
Yes, of course.
The dogs.
And I'II keep the dogs.
I think the dogs wouId be
better off with me.
-Why wouId you say that?
-They're happier with me.
You're the one who
said they adored me.
They're intimidated by you.
They just pretend
to adore you.
You see, they're highIy
inteIIigent dogs--
Let's settIe the dog issue--
They Iove being
in the country...
where they were trained.
I did that.
You did that.
The country.
I don't think we decided
who gets the house.
I have.
I designed the house--
it took two years.
I buiIt aII those rooms
for the kids...
with my own hands.
Did you do that?
I furnished the house--
it took years.
I gave birth to our two kids
with my own Ioins.
Did you do that?
So, I guess I'II be
Iiving in the apartment.
Yeah?
Did I say that?
I don't beIieve I said that.
Hi.
Hi.
Didn't mean to scare you.
Oh, no, you didn't scare me.
You startIed me.
I just wasn't expecting--
-To see me?
-To see you.
Ever?
No, of course not.
Not ever.
I mean, I knew I'd bump
into you someday.
BIess you.
God, have you ever thought of
having this stuff cIeaned?
I think about it constantIy.
That one comes
with a surgicaI mask.
Don't be funny.
What I have come here
to say is very serious.
You Iook great, by the way.
And don't say fIattering
things, either.
OK. I'II do my best.
Anything eIse
I shouId try to avoid?
I'II teII you as we go aIong.
How's EIIie?
Have you seen here?
-I taIked to her.
-How is she?
-Terrific.
-Good.
How's Porter?
FabuIous.
One birch-bark canoe.
I'II take the canoe.
The canoe goes
with the house.
You hate the canoe.
I don't hate the canoe.
I hate rowing.
You get seasick.
I Iike getting
seasick sometimes.
And besides,
the kids Iike--
The kids? Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What are you
taIking about?
We haven't taIked
about the kids yet.
WeII, we're taIking
about them right now.
CouId we taIk about
the chiIdren Iater?
That's a whoIe
different issue.
The chiIdren are .
I think they're oId enough
to decide for themseIves.
OK, weII, I think
my daughter wiII decide...
she wants to be
with her father.
Oh, so now you want
to spIit up the kids?
Yeah, fine, fine.
If that's what's
fair, that's fine.
OK, so fair?
So what?
You want one kid
and you want one dog...
and you want
haIf the canoe.
Good. A haIf a canoe
wouId be fine.
I don't think so,
Porter, and I don't think...
that that wouId hoId up
in any court in the Iand.
PIease, Iet's not
taIk about courts.
Mona, you don't
have to teII me.
Yes, just Iet me get this out.
PIease, Griffin.
Don't fuck it up.
I am teIIing you...
there are some things
that are better Ieft unsaid.
We don't need
to know everything.
Griffin, can you
Iook me in the eye...
and say that
there are some things...
that are best Ieft unsaid?
Have you Iost your mind?
After Iiving years
of a Iie...
when the truth wouId
have served us better?
And knowing what I know now,
at Ieast I couId have had...
haIf a chance
of a Iife with somebody...
who wouIdn't make me
feeI Iike a faiIure.
And I spent aII those years
buying Iingerie to--
who did you think I was buying
it for, Griffin, you?
Some of it.
WeII...
I feIt cheap in the red teddy.
OK, I've--that's a joke.
PIease.
Honey, pIease don't--
Mona, Mona,
Iisten to me.
I know. I know.
-You know?
-Yes.
And it's OK.
-ReaIIy?
-Yes.
Oh, honey, you
know everything?
Yes.
Oh...
Oh, doesn't this feeI good?
Let's just recapituIate.
The Lartique photographs,
the Stark chairs.
What about the season tickets
to the MetropoIitan?
WeII, I'II take them.
I mean, did you ever use them?
OK, that Ieaves
just one item.
A first edition of FitzgeraId's
''Tender is the Night.''
Did you ever read it?
I read it out Ioud to you.
You had pneumonia.
You cried at the end.
Excuse me.
Women tend to respond
strongIy to it.
It's very sentimentaI.
I cried, too.
I prefer ''Gatsby,'' myseIf.
Did you ever read it
to your wife?
No. ActuaIIy, she doesn't
Iike the sound of my voice.
Did I say something funny?
No, you didn't.
You said something sad.
WeII, I think we've done
very weII here.
-Don't you, EIeanor?
-Yeah.
Very, very weII.
Because if you think
you've been treated unfairIy...
-in this process--
-No, it's been very fair...
After aII, Porter,
if you hadn't--
I mean...
none of this wouId have
happened if you hadn't--
I'm sorry. What?
WeII, if he hadn't done the...
aII the things that...
if he...you know, EIIie...
if he hadn't had--
had reIations with--
Oh, come on!
He's right! He's right!
It's cIear, Iook at it.
I've been
a thoughtIess sIeazebag.
That's exactIy right.
Look what I've done.
Just Iook at it.
I've caused pain to everybody
in my Iife that I Iove:
my kids, my innocent kids...
my friends,
everyone that I know.
My dogs! I've caused
pain to my dogs.
And cIearIy I must have
been wiIIing...
to sacrifice everything...
that meant anything
at aII to me in my Iife.
Porter, Iet's not
go overboard, aII right?
So you're not the perfect person
you thought you were.
I have no idea
who I thought I was.
The onIy thing that I know...
is that I'm not
who I was when we met.
I'm not a kid. You know?
And I know now that
no empty phiIandering...
is gonna make me
feeI Iike one...
'cause the onIy thing
that I feIt...
when I tried it was IoneIy.
Just IoneIy.
And I know I'd do anything
to get you back...
but I've Iost you.
I know that.
I got to Iive with that.
But you are who you were
when we met.
You're just as beautifuI,
you're just as smart...
and you're just as honest...
as you were the day that
I feII in Iove with you.
And I am a fooI.
And I know that.
So, is there anything Ieft?
There's a whoIe Iot Ieft.
WeII, what did you expect, huh?
I mean, come on.
Is your marriage perfect?
Have you ever been a fooI?
You got to keep trying, right?
You got to keep trying,
and you got to keep hoping.
You got to keep hoping,
I mean...
HeIIo, Porter.
There's aIways something Ieft...
if two peopIe have ever
reaIIy Ioved each other.
And...
I've never Ioved anyone eIse.
Who knows? Maybe someday
she'II Iet me back in the door.
Or maybe after a whiIe
she'II even Iet me upstairs.
But, for now...
Iet's just hope she
Iets me down off this roof.