Voila! Finally, the Two For The Road
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Audrey Hepburn movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Two For The Road. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
They don't look very happy.
Why should they? They just got married.
- I hope you enjoy your trip, Mr. Wallace.
- Thank you.
- And your wife of course.
- Thanks a lot.
I suppose I've got Maurice
to thank for this.
What are you doing?
Just trying to discover
where the strings are attached.
"Hope you have a nice trip, Mr. Wallace."
And my wife.
You're too suspicious about Maurice.
What harm did he ever do us?
He hounds us.
He hounds us? Nonsense.
Mr. Maurice Dalbret for you, Mr. Wallace,
from Saint-Tropez.
He hounds us.
I told you.
Of course we could have flown direct.
But we wanted to have
a few days on our own.
- Can I help you?
- London, please.
Joanna and me.
My wife.
It's too late to change.
Anyway, I want the car down there.
Yes, my darling. Of course I will.
- Of course I won't.
- Nothing is gonna fall down.
- We have to fly.
- And you'll take care of Granny.
And Nanny, too. Take care of everyone.
But that makes nonsense
of the whole spatial concept.
Spatial concept.
It messes up the whole lousy design.
I'll see you in three days.
Who is it now?
Caroline Wallace. Your daughter.
Oh, Caroline.
Hello, how's my little girl?
Cigarettes?
You bring your passport?
Look, I'm sorry, but I...
We'll have to turn back.
I've left my passport.
I'm sorry, sir. Are you sure?
Yes, I've got to go
to a most important conference...
Mark Wallace, years old.
Occupation: Architect.
Now how about
getting me some cigarettes?
Thank you.
- It's just that Maurice...
- Managed to persuade you...
that we have to get to Saint-Tropez
by the day before yesterday.
Why do you always get taken in?
Baby, that's how it is, okay?
You want me not to work?
Is that what you want?
Just wish that you'd stop sniping.
I haven't said a word.
Just because you use a silencer
doesn't mean you're not a sniper.
We're not going on like this
for the rest of our lives.
You haven't been happysince the day we met, have you?If only you were years youngerand you knew what you know now.
You can say that again.
I wonder if anybody's picked up
the wrong passport.
Excuse me, do you mind,
I'm looking for a passport.
- I look in your bag, sir?
- It's not in my bag.
- Somebody must have taken it.
- I doubt that, sir.
You know what a British passport's
worth on the black market in Naples?
L at least.
- This is France.
- I've not got the latest figures for France.
I can see myself stuck on this boat for life,
going backwards and forwards.
Hey, would it be your doing?
That's nice. You leave something
for two seconds and...
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
There was a time when you were gladto be married to me. Early on.Remember the first trip we made whenwe had wheels of our own, the old MG?Which birthday of mine was ityou gave yourself that?Was it our anniversary?Anyway, we were just going todrive and drive and see where we got to.A couple of kidswith not a care in the world.
Hold your breath,
we've got a long way to go.
What we need is a small push.
Come on.
Let's go.
That's it. Very good.
Faster.
Come on.
Faster.
Remember me? Joanna?
- What's the matter?
- Hear that? It's a donk.
A donk? What kind of a donk?
A medium-sized, slightly unhealthy donk.
When did it all start to go wrong?Was it in the MG?Our first bust-up.I thought we were quite happy in the MG.
It's what I call real independence,
don't you?
I can still hear that damn donk. Hear it?
Donk.
It's in the engine.
Right.
This is the first afternoon
I've spent in natural light in over a year.
The time I get home from work
it's pitch black.
Originally you said you liked basements.
Originally I liked basements.
I think we were damn lucky
to get the place, frankly.
I think we'll be damn lucky
to get out of it, frankly.
If you want to live
in one half of a suburban shoebox...
like your parents,
you married the wrong man.
I don't want to live
in one half of a suburban shoebox.
And I married the wrong man.
Do you want a divorce?
Why do we keep on with this farce?
Is it bloody worth it?
No, it isn't.
- It was your idea, you wanted it.
- And I got it.
Yes, it is worth it sometimes.
Only not now.
I don't know what you ever saw in me
in the first place.
I can't really remember.
You had hair in those days, of course.
I don't think we had any kind of real,
you know, in the MG...bust-up.
Look, if you really want big houses,
fast cars, hot and cold running, servants...
Who wants that?
I know what you want.
You want big houses, fast cars.
You're right. There is a donk.
There is? I thought there was.
Right there. There's something loose
without a question.
If there is, you loosened it.
Try and keep out of the lower gears.
You try keeping out of the lower gears.
Go on.
You're mad, you know that?
Let me get that.
See, no donk if you're careful.
Oh, shut up.
I hate this.
I can't see a...
I got oil in my eye now.
I could quit happily.
- How is it down there?
- Pitch black!
This exhaust pipe is so rusty I could...
If I could just see.
Difficult doing things in the dark, isn't it?
We cannot afford a new flat.
On our present budget,
we can't even afford a new exhaust pipe.
You really ought to try
avoiding the lower gears, you know.
Why don't you put a very British sock in it.
Why don't you put a hard-boiled egg in it.
- That fixed it.
- You mean that's fixed it?
Or that's fixed it?
Ask me in an hour's time.
You shouldn't have bought an MG,
you should've bought a tractor.I'll never forget you sittingin that chauffeur-driven tractor.I'd never spoken to youand I thought you looked insufferable.The girls were patty about youand so, Heaven knows, were you.
Oh, man, what are we going to do?
We'll never get there in time.
Hey, look there.
You're improving, Pat.
- What's the matter with you?
- Nothing.
Oh, everything.
I don't think travel agrees with me.
- I hope it isn't measles.
- I've had measles, clever.
It must be something else.
Oh, no.
Chickenpox. No question.
That's messed everything up completely.
Messed what up?
I mean, what do you want exactly?
We're supposed to be
going on holiday together.
Then onto the music festival at Menton.
Middle of the month.
What we do now, I don't know.
Golly, nor do I.
And then there were four.
Only one thing to do, I suppose.
Let's see who's left in the morning.
Good plan.
- How are you this morning?
- I'm very well.
- How are you?
- Very well, indeed.
And the others?
I'm afraid it's been a night
full of casualties.
I am sorry.
I think we should leave them the Minibus
and press on.
- Does that appeal to you?
- How can you be so callous?
When do we leave?
Whenever you're ready.
- I thought you went to the doctor's.
- I drove the others.
- Nothing wrong with me.
- You positive?
- That feeling can be very deceptive.
- Right.
I've had chickenpox, when I was .
We're not taking the bus. We'll leave it
for the others when they're better.
- We thought we'd hitchhike.
- I love hitchhiking.
- I won't be in the way, will I?
- Whatever gave you that idea?
Where do you think
we'll get to by tonight? There?
- There.
- We can do better than that, can't we?
Can we?
- Lambs.
- I guessed.
Well, aren't they sweet?
- It's a shame about Jackie, isn't it?
- Isn't it?
I suppose you'd have preferred
if I'd got the chickenpox.
- You don't have to stay with me.
- Listen, sweetheart, let's get this straight.
I have absolutely no intention
of staying with you.
I don't know what your plans are,
but I have a schedule.
I am not, whatever you may be,
on holiday.
- I understand.
- I'm here strictly for the buildings.
Anything else is entirely by the way.
I haven't a minute to waste.
- My time is organized.
- You're on a schedule.
It's quite a tight schedule.
Did you remember to pick up
your passport this morning?
If there's one thing I really despise,
it's an indispensable woman.
Nobody knows the names
of the men who made it.
To make something as exquisite as this...
without wanting to smash
your stupid name all over it...
Would you want to?
All you hear about nowadays
is people making names...
not things.
Sorry, do you want me
to take your picture?
- No.
- This is really a three-dimensional camera.
It's meant for photographing
three-dimensional subjects.
I'm three-dimensional, as a matter of fact.
It's basically for buildings.
Well, I'm not a building.
We won't have to waste a minute
stopping for lunch.
The trouble with women is
they try to label you...
put you in a pigeonhole.
What they don't realize is...
the only thing that fits in a pigeonhole
is a pigeon.
Marriage is all they ever think about.
I don't intend to get married
for at least years.
It's not that I have anything against sex.
It's contracts I don't go for.
Promise of long service and good conduct.
Are you a virgin?
Thought you were. Could always tell.
Congratulations.
I was two years
at the University of Chicago.
Studying virgin detection?
Only at night school.
Architecture during the day.
I always thought American women
would be different.
I thought they'd broken
the inhibitions barrier...
and it was all one long sex feast.
- No?
- But no.
The nicely brought-up American girl
plays cool and modern...
but what she wants
is what her grandmother wanted:
Your head stuffed and mounted
on the living room wall.
And if you don't want it that way,
you can take your loving self elsewhere...
speaking quite generally, of course.
Of course. Who was she?
What do you mean?
Her name was Cathy Seligman,
if you must know.
She was selfish, grasping, philistine...
materialistic, stubborn, opinionated.
I was crazy about her.
Lucky for you, you'll never meet her.
She's now
Mrs. Howard Maxwell Manchester.
I always knew you two had to meet.
"There's only one drawback," Howard said.
"We'll have to go to Greece."
- Remember saying that?
- Yes.
Drawback! Of course, I absolutely flipped!
Howie, come on.
The first thing we thought of...
landing in Jolly Old
was getting in touch with you.
I never thought that you newlyweds
would want to travel with us ancients.
We don't care who we travel with, frankly.
- Oh, come on.
- Hey, tell me something.
Mommy, do snakes have nipples?
No, they don't, Ruthie. Do they, Howie?
No, they don't.
Ruthie is hooked on nature.
It's wonderful you two kids
were free to come with us.
I just know that we're all going to be
terribly terrific friends.
You know that Mark
used to be my favorite beau.
Second favorite.
Favorite favorite.
That was before you came
on the scenario, Howard.
Of course.
Why don't they?
Why don't who what?
Snakes have nipples?
Because they lay eggs.
Did you remember to pack
the anti-snake serum?
Good.
Mark, do you remember David Lewinsohn?
- No? David?
- It's Woody Lewinsohn.
He's become a very fine physician
in New York City.
I remember.
He taught Howard
how to treat snake bites.
How to inject the serum subcutaneously
and all that.
- We've invested over $ ...
- $ .
$ in anti-snake equipment.
Well, I sure hope
somebody gets bitten by a snake.
That's my exactly. Now, let me see.
Mark, it's you to drive.
So we change places
and that's all there is to it.
I'm hungry.
I think Howard's wonderful
the way he organizes everything.
He's not an efficiency consultant
for nothing, are you, sweetness?
If he were
he wouldn't be married to you, honey.
- I'm hungry.
- Hand me that guidebook, sugar.
- Thanks.
- I want to eat something now.
If you want to ruin your lunch,
Ruthiebelle, you can.
We believe in leaving things
to Ruthie's own free decision.
Does that key make the car go?
Sort of.
Ruthie, that hurt Mommy.
Did you see what she did?
She pinched me.
Yes, she probably thinks
you're excluding her, honeybunch.
She needs reassuring.
If she does it again,
I'll need hospitalization.
Yes, well, we're covered.
Have you ever been in analysis?
No.
It can be very worthwhile.
Should I tell you a story, Ruthie?
- Joanna, thank you.
- There we are, love.
Come on, Ruthie.
Well, well, well.
Quite like old times, Mr. Wallace.
I see what you mean about
rearranging the luggage, Marcus.
- Thought you might, Howie.
- Wow! That's a real sun.
We're getting way down south, honey.
Mommy, I'm hungry.
I want to eat something now.
I don't want anything to eat.
I think she's going to be
a little late fixating.
She felt we hurried her.
Why don't we all relax?
Marcus, I've been meaning
to say about expenses...
I think I've come up with a formula.
If you're agreeable, we'll call Ruthie a half.
In which event, we can most efficaciously
divide everything into nine parts...
and split them in the ratio of five to four.
Yes, I think that's the final breakdown
on this morning's expenses.
- Mark, if you care to check it.
- I believe you.
Well, shall we go?
You don't like my house, do you?
Very handsome. Split-level.
Market at L . I like it a lot.
It's beautiful, Ruthie.
Come on, sweetheart.
- I want to take my house with me.
- She's feeling insecure, only natural.
- Come on, sweetness.
- I'd like to take my house with me.
I want it!
Ruthie, this time I have to say no.
And I mean, no. Now, no.
It's very reassuring at times
to retain a certain flexibility of attitude.
Howard has a tremendously mature
quality. That's what I love about him.
He has quiet assurance.
- Don't you think he has quiet assurance?
- Very quiet assurance.
He's the husband type.
You were always the lover type.
I guess you still are.
I've been married to Joanna
for nearly two years.
But your relationship is basically volatile.
Anyone can see that.
Joanna, I don't want you to feel badly
about what happened just now.
- It doesn't really matter.
- I think it does matter, Joanna.
You resent Ruthie, don't you?
- A little spilt wine.
- You misunderstand me.
You resent her because she represents
the child you want to have.
All right,
we are minutes behind schedule.
Marcus, you have kilometers still to go.
- Okay.
- It's hot.
Sweetheart, I hate to say it...
but we should've left the car
under the sun shelter.
I know, sugarbush. Let's move it, Marcus.
- What is it, candyface?
- I'm hungry.
Very funny, isn't it?
But I happen to have a schedule.
The trouble is, there's two of us.
That's the basis of the whole trouble.
If I ever have a car, I swear I'll never pass
a single hitchhiker as long as I live.
Must we dice with death?
Since when has this car
got only two speeds, and stop?
- I'll tell you what, you drive.
- I'll tell you what, I'll walk.
Okay, walk!
Come on, Jo, don't be silly.
You'd be far better off on your own,
wouldn't you?
Oh, not again, Joanna!
You want to get on, I know.
Maurice is waiting.
Let him wait.
He's got you on a line.
All he has to do is reel you in.
Shut up about Maurice. If it weren't
for him, you know what we'd be?
- Happy!
- Broke.
Broke and happy.
You wanna go back to living in a cellar?
You hated it.
- I loved it.
- You hated it.
I hated it.
I hate being at other people's
beck and call.
As soon as someone becks or calls,
I resent it, that's all.
Okay, you run the show. You handle it.
You worry about the house, the flat,
Nanny, and Mrs. Rathbone.
I don't want any of them.
Do I? Am I the one that wants
enamel sports watches?
Take your watch. I don't want it.
I don't want anything.
Why is it, when you give a woman what
she wants, she gets so bloody minded?
You don't give me what I want.
You give me what you want to give me.
Joanna, your watch.
Joanna, I love you.
Come on, Maurice is waiting.
Bitch.
Listen, sweetheart.
We're not going to make it together. See?
We don't get the breaks.
So this is the kiss off.
You take the high road,
I'll take the low road.
We'll see who gets in where
before who. Okay?
If we meet again, great.
If not, happy holidays.
No hard feelings, but...
- You have a schedule.
- Right.
What happened to your slick friend
in the Alfa Romeo?
I told him I was in love with you,
so he put me down.
- I warn you...
- Don't.
What would you say to a cup of coffee?
What kind of people would sit like that
without a word to say to each other?
Married people?
This is definitely against my principles.
Good. I wouldn't like to think
it happened all the time.
I had absolutely no intention
of sleeping in hotels.
You didn't?
Hell, no. What do you think I brought
a sleeping sack for?
I hadn't seriously thought about it.
- Who are you?
- Some girl.
Sleep well?
I think that room was
over the plate-smashing annex.
My days for roughing it are over.
Next time, get Maurice to reserve us
a room if you can't remember yourself...
preferably with a carpet, and
something else in the hot tap besides...
All right, now when we're ready...
it's Joanna in the hot seat...
and Catherine the Great, the co-driver.
Okay?
We've still got three weeks to go,
so you may as well make the best of it.
Believe it or not,
I am making the best of it.
- You wanted to come.
- Okay.
Mommy, I don't want Joanna
to look at me.
Ruthie, don't be so silly.
Joanna, may I say something?
This may sound
absolutely ridiculous to you.
I know that you love Ruthie,
but she doesn't seem to realize it.
I don't think you're getting through to her.
She's gotten the idea
that you are hostile to her.
May I make a suggestion?
Why don't you woo her a little bit?
- Woo her?
- That's right, woo her a little bit.
Okay. Let's get this show on the road.
Ruthie, honey. Come on.
It has running hot and cold, bath...
free garage, telephone...
and transistor radios are not allowed
in the dining room.
Sounds minimal, but I'll buy it.
I don't want to go to a hotel.
Our little home for the night, sweetness.
Of course, you do.
I don't.
May I have the keys back now, please?
No!
All right, we'll just have to stay here
all night.
- Is that what you want?
- Yes!
- With nothing to eat?
- I'm not hungry.
- She had a little snack...
- Cathy, please.
Ruthie, give me that key.
Don't you have a spare?
If I used the spare, we don't have a spare.
Mommy, I'm so tired.
Do you still want a child?
I still want a child.
I just don't want that child.
We agreed before we were married...
we weren't gonna have any children.
And before we were married we didn't.
Ruthie, you know, that was kind of
a funny thing you did with the key.
Fast thinking.
- Did you see where it landed?
- Yes.
Good girl.
- Where?
- I'm not going to tell you.
- Tell your daddy at once!
- It's there.
I wooed her.
Your time's up, buddy.
Breakfast is served.
That's a good cup of tea.
It's coffee!
I knew it's a good cup of something.
Okay, start her up.
Let's go.
Plenty of revs.
- We stalled.
- You stalled.
- You drive.
- No.
I don't want to drive.
You stalled.
Done it!
That should hold it for a while.
Someone's having a bonfire.
I love bonfires.
One day we'll have a big garden
and grow lots of bonfires.
Wood smoke is the smell I like best.
Hickory, for instance.
- You ever smell hickory smoke?
- Never.
I'll have to take you to the States.
Alternatively, I could get Cathy
to send us a few cans.
They really can it now. She could.
She could bring it on her next trip.
Don't tell me I detect a note of welcome.
You can't expect her
not to want to see your baby.
No.
Hey, you're not...
And this I suppose
was my little holiday surprise.
I don't really suppose
it was much of a surprise.
You know, you really have to have
everything you want, don't you?
Are we supposed to celebrate?
What we gonna drink?
Here we are.
We're getting further south, all right.
- It's certainly getting warmer.
- Right.
Why don't they overtake
if they are gonna overtake?
Mark! Fire!
- Where?
- Here!
Mark, we're on fire!
I can't see!
Water!
- But where?
- Find some!
Here.
It likes water!
- Stand back!
- What are you going to do?
I'm going to stand back.
You think I'm crazy?
- I have telephoned the pumpers.
- The fire brigade.
Park the car in the shade this time.
I don't want to come out after lunch
to a red-hot car again.
What does "Reserve a la direction" mean?
Reserved for the management.
Hell, we're the customers.
Why do you think Red China is a bitch?
We can't stay here, Howie.
I meant that Red China
was a very difficult problem.
All right, Cathy, I'm moving.
Over there, Howie. It's perfect.
I saw them.
Yes, Ruthie?
Did you do that on purpose?
No, Ruthie, I didn't. No, I did not.
No, Ruthie, no.
- Do you love me?
- Now she asks.
Do you?
- Confessions extracted under torture...
- Do you?
Yes!
You're gonna get us thrown out of here.
Actually it's not a bad idea.
It's going to ruin us, anyway.
This is heaven.
- I could eat a horse.
- You may have to.
- We've just gone on a diet.
- But we haven't had lunch.
Baby, I'm not kidding. At these prices,
we can't afford to eat here.
I'm starving.
You'll just have to practice
a little self-restraint.
I am not hungry.
You are not hungry.
We are not hungry.
I am hungry! You are not hungry.
Women in an advanced state of pregnancy
should be very careful about overeating.
Advanced? I've got eight months to go!
Must be some food shop in that village.
I'm too worried about you
to dream about eating anything myself.
I'll tell you what. I'll slip down
to the chemist and get you some... Guess.
Hamburgers.
Pills! That's right!
Hamburger pills! Large hamburger pills!
Don't let them see you bringing it in.
What about food?
What about food?
We have to eat. Let's go
to the Domaine St. Juste, why not?
- I'm not dressed.
- Baby, the last time we went there...
I was dressed in soot
and you were wearing a blanket.
I can change if you want me to.
Change. I want you to.
I'm still not done up.
The lousy cops plugged me, sweetheart.
Pills! Hamburger pills!
What sort of people sit in a restaurant
and don't even try to talk to each other?
Married people.
You're the only woman I know who's
prepared to share a bed with a sardine.
I don't care what kind of a sardine you are.
I like you.
- Will you hate me when I'm bowfronted?
- Undoubtedly.
- And will you be unfaithful to me?
- Blatantly.
- You promised I could.
- You promised you wouldn't.
When we got married.
Do you mind undoing what you did?
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Aren't you coming to bed at all?
Tired?
I won't be long.
Shall I call your secretary
and make an appointment?
When did you start being as snide as this?
Right after we got married, didn't I?
- Did we get married?
- Yeah.
Remember?
When sex stopped being fun.
Yeah. It started being official.
I remember.
I think that lovely little lake
breeds lovely little mosquitoes.
- I'll close the window.
- We'll suffocate.
- We just have to pretend they don't exist.
- All right.
- Good night.
- Good night, little mother.
- They do exist.
- No, they don't.
They do.
I've had an idea.
- Sleep well?
- Very well.
I had a dreamy dream.
Tell me the worst.
I dreamt you built us the most beautiful
little Wallace-designed house.
And I built the most beautiful
little Wallace-designed triplets.
All we need right now
is a population explosion.
You did not need the mosquito net?
We managed without it.
No breakfast?
Religious reasons.
We gotta get out of this place.
This self-denial is killing me.
I'm sorry you were not able to sample
our restaurant last night.
So were we. It was religious reasons.
Particularly when we have to charge you
an all-inclusive price...
- as you see.
- Beg your pardon?
High season. Our price includes
dinner and breakfast always.
Always.
Thank you.
I think the inspector is waiting
for you outside.
Inspector?
Concerning the expenses
for the pumpers and such like.
We will see you again, I hope.
What's French for "I don't believe you and
you're not going to get a damn penny"?
- Tax?
- Tax.
Tax on what?
This is literally highway robbery.
I mean, this is literally highway robbery.
- Don't lose your temper.
- I'm not losing my temper.
Dispose of the wreck.
Where?
Come on, Jo.
You think I'm deaf. I can hear you.
You are mad! You are ill!
We disposed of it.
Who is going to pay me? Because if youthink the insurance will pay...The insurance companies are neverin a hurry.I had a barn which burnt two years ago...I haven't been paid back for it yet.And nobody will give mea barn like this.It was very dangerous.They could have killed someone.It is unbelievableanyone could be so clumsy.
This is the life.
He let me down, I must tell you.
Quite disgracefully.
So I'm looking for an architect.
My husband's an architect.
So you put up buildings
as well as knocking them down.
- Corporation...
- He doesn't have a minute to spare.
What about now?
He has a minute to spare.
Good. We must talk.
No, I must tell you, I'm in a corner.
Communist.
- Are you all right, honey?
- Yes.
Hey, Chantilly.
- Isn't that in the guidebook?
- It could just be.
Do let's stop.
I don't want Ruthie to be late
for her lunch today.
Yes. It's off the main road.
Howie, I may as well warn you
before we get to Greece...
that the Acropolis is off the main road.
This is a democratic trip.
Really great to dawdle
through an old place like that.
Joanna, I have to thank you.
I thought you didn't like Joanna, Daddy.
Of course I like Joanna.
Then why did Mommy say
she was a suburban English nobody?
I think it may be very important to the
future of our quadripartite relationship...
to get that particular remark
into very clear context.
I think it might be best for the future
of our quadripartite relationship...
if we accepted the fact, here and now,
that it has no future whatsoever.
Mark, please don't be too hasty.
We're through, Howard.
Hey, those things took a lot of arranging.
Now, you listen to me.
Try and imagine how Joanna feels.
I can see how Joanna feels.
She's gonna feel that the whole trip
has been loused up because of her.
- Howard, you are the most complacent...
- Abuse me if you want to.
I want to.
You are gonna dominate that girl
right out of existence.
I'm gonna smash your face in, Howie.
That isn't a very adult attitude,
if I may say so.
Marcus, please. That's the phonograph.
Mark, please.
Come on, darling. Come on, sweetheart.
You haven't asked Joanna if she wants
to abandon the expedition at this point.
Come on, baby.
That, if I may say so,
is a very revealing usage.
Calling her baby shows you're prepared
to do her thinking and deciding.
Now I warn you solemnly, Marcus.
You're denying Joanna the right
to be her own paradoxical self.
Howard, you're the largest pocket
of untapped natural gas known to man.
They haven't even opened yet.
- What is it about?
- Who knows?
- What do people have rows about?
- Money, sex.
Sex, money. He wants, she doesn't want.
She wants, he doesn't want.
He thinks that the counter
is all in the wrong place.
Counter and display cases. It's very funny.
Yeah, that's marriage for you.
That's marriage for them.
That's marriage. Full stop.
I'm allowed not to like Howard and Cathy.
They're my friends.
You never wanted to enjoy the trip.
You were jealous of Cathy before we left.
It's no bliss to be in a car
with three Maxwell Manchesters.
You promised when we were married,
you'd always be happy.
- I know.
- Why can't you always be happy?
Because I can't.
You mean you broke your promise.
I am happy, usually.
I love you, if that's any good.
That's not the issue.
If it isn't, it should be the issue.
- You're right.
- I'm right?
You're right. Let's find a hotel.
: in the afternoon.
What do we want a hotel for?
Let's find a hotel.
To hell with the Maxwell Manchesters.
Mister, Missus and Miss.
In future, we travel alone together,
or not at all.
My darling Joanna:So far, all goes well.The car's nearly run inand my patience nearly run out.I miss you like mad.I drove nearly all night last night.Couldn't face one of our hotelswithout you with me.I finally slept in the car...quite near where we buriedthe poor old burnt-out MG.I wish to hell I hadn't had to make the trip.I suppose, what with the houseand Caroline...it's just as well that I've got some work.At least this pays betterthan corporation bus shelter.And it's a lot more interesting, too,
let's face it.I think about you all the time.It's been a pretty uneventful drive so far.It's a long and dull roadwhen you're on your own.All I care about is getting down thereand doing whatever has to be done...and getting the hell back.When I'm not being woken at : in the morning, I feel very paternal.And I miss you both more than I can say.Life's very flat.I shall probably drive on overnight...tonight and get down to the sitein the morning.Two or three sessionswith a far-famed client...should be more than enough.It's typical of methat as soon as I get away...all I want to do is to get back to you again.I won't write any more at the moment...because I really do want to get on.As soon as I have a chance,
I'll drop you another line.Love...Mark.PS:Next time we come away, we shall haveour own little Ruthiebelle with us.
I don't want any more, Mommy.
Do you want to finish it?
Boiled egg for supper, Carol?
Make sure Carol doesn't fall
out of the window...
or eat any chairs or anything, darling.
Can you?
While I wash out a few things
for the morning.
Come on in.
Come here.
- Has it come yet?
- What?
Carol's supper.
I don't know.
Couldn't you see what's happening to it?
I thought you were watching Caroline!
I'm sorry, but I've got to see
His Majesty The Client tomorrow.
I've got to get this finished.
I'll go.
Don't bother.
I'll go!
It's not possible. Where's our eggs?
We've been waiting half an hour
for an egg.
- I must ask you...
- I must ask you.
You are disturbing the other guests.
I want that egg in five minutes
or we're leaving.
We're leaving!
- Leaving?
- Leaving.
- But Caroline's in her pajamas.
- Caroline can leave in her pajamas.
They don't want us here.
We're not staying.
I'm sorry, but I refuse to be insulted
by a fifth-rate doss house, and that's it.
I ask you for a boiled egg,
and you return with an eviction order.
I've told you we're leaving. Now let's go.
Let's go!
"He never got home to early tea"
Do it again.
"The bumblebee, the bumblebee
He flew away from the tulip tree
"He made a mistake and flew into the lake
"And he never got home to early tea"
Daddy, do the duck.
Thank you.
It was all my fault, I know.
I've been telling Caroline
bedtime stories for an hour.
It'd be nice if you could avoid fortissimo
for a while.
Look! I quit that hotel because
they didn't bring you what you wanted.
I didn't want a boiled egg.
I suppose Caroline has nothing
to do with you.
You were the one who wanted a child.
Why don't you wake her up
and tell her that.
I don't want to tell her. I'm telling you.
I love Caroline.
You don't know what love is.
That's tough on me.
All you can do is take the salute
at an endless march-past of yourself.
I have an appetite. Do you?
Wouldn't matter who I was, would it?
I'm willing to call it a day.
Do you want to call it a day?
- You never wanted to call it anything else.
- You're damn right there.
- We can't even have a fight in peace.
- Leave me.
Selfish.
They call it the Mediterranean, my lady.
Come, it's time to swim.
I don't understand sex.
Don't worry, it doesn't show.
Seriously, why do we enjoy it more
when it means less.
Because it isn't personal anymore.
Not personal?
That's right.
"Too late," they cried. "Too late."
I'm so happy.
I love you.
Find us a big bed.
- Tired?
- No.
Come on.
- End of romantic gesture.
- That didn't last very long.
I believe in short romances.
So do I. Short and happy romances.
Last one in bed turns the lights out.
I'll beat you!
Worth a try.
Cheat!
You know what I dreamt?
What did you dream?
I dreamt that a train...
drove slap-bang through the middle
of the room in the night.
Mr. Freud, what big ears you've got.
The better to analyze you with, my dear.
You said it.
Nothing at all to do with sex whatsoever.
I think I certainly am not as frustrated.
That's your story. Try and sell it to Freud.
Sexy, wasn't it?
Okay, you're not frustrated.
- Hot.
- Scalding already.
- Shouldn't get too much sun the first day.
- I don't burn. I've got asbestos skin.
- In, come on.
- No.
Get your shirt off. Come on!
This must be very near
the Garden of Eden.
Do you know what marriage is?
You tell me and see
if we are thinking of the same thing.
Marriage is when the woman
asks the man to take off his pajamas.
And it's because she wants
to send them to the laundry.
- Good?
- Yeah. Very good.
- I'm hungry and thirsty.
- You're never satisfied.
What's wrong with being hungry?
It's time you realize that all human
appetites are profoundly degrading...
with the exception of lust.
What if we could just clap our hands
and someone would bring us a menu?
Wouldn't it be nice
if we could just clap our hands...
and make all these people disappear?
Just as well, you wouldn't really like it.
What do we do?
Stand very still for several days.
Maybe it will go away.
I don't want to stand very still.
I don't want to stand still at all.
Nor do I.
Come back next week.
Did that hurt?
It's the first time you've said my name
as if you really mean it.
I really mean it.
- We have a week, asbestos.
- I'm not asbestos.
You're not really going to rejoin
those poxy choirgirls, are you?
I promised. We have a week.
A week?
To hell with it.
It will only hurt for a minute.
This is the life, eh, darling?
- Your wife is happy?
- Yes.
It doesn't take much to make her happy.
A villa, swimming pool, champagne,
simple things like that.
You're not angry?
- Angry?
- Not to be alone together.
No, we can always be alone together.
I am waiting to hear from Palamos
about a meeting.
Then I will show you the whole project.
- Well, if you are interested.
- Sure, I am interested.
Perhaps you will have to stay
a few more days.
- Shall you mind?
- I'll suffer.
Game.
Ready?
Come on, darling, give.
Too late.
Come on, sweetheart, we're playing.
Sweetheart, you've been playing
for two hours.
Hello.
Palamos, I was going to call you.
I am calling you. I see.
Honey, give me the ball.
- Get the ball.
- You get it, it's your game.
I've got sneakers on, and things.
Very pretty.
Did Francoise lend them to you?
Got a guest pair. Get the ball.
- They are probably her son's.
- Get the ball.
Or her grandson's.
Will you stop this insane jealousy
and get that ball.
There it is.
- Come on.
- No. Put me down.
- Will you get the ball?
- Certainly not.
- Get it.
- There.
We meet Palamos for drinks at : .
We talk about the whole scheme
and then we make a decision.
Fine.
Now I've got my shoes wet
and everything. I'll probably catch a cold.
- How long do we have to stay here?
- You got us into this, sugar.
You sold me to Maurice
and you were right:
- A chance like this doesn't come everyday.
- Thank God!
Lunch!
I see you at :
and then I bring the genius with me.
Will you please sit down here?
Tonight we all go to the gala
and everything is fixed.
We'll see Palamos there.
I don't have any suitable clothes for a gala.
- Then I borrow you.
- There you are. Francoise will borrow you.
- Do you mind eating caviar?
- No, if we must.
- Do you like galas?
- Some galas.
Please, could you ring for the butler?
The only thing wrong
with this part of the world...
is there's not much of a sunset.
How can a week pass so quickly?
We made the mistake
of enjoying ourselves.
Don't go tomorrow. Just don't.
Let's not talk about it. Let's not.
All right, we won't.
We agreed.
You were marvelous, darling.
Absolutely marvelous.
- I was?
- And so funny.
The way you told the story
about the sunshade.
You charmed the pants off Palamos.
That wouldn't be too difficult to do,
would it?
I knew you'd enjoy it once we got there.
- I hated it once we got there.
- Why?
Why? Because I'm tired
of being a parasite.
I want to go. I want to be on our own.
We haven't been here very long.
We've been here month after month
for two whole days.
- I am going to work for the man.
- Well, I'm not.
Treats by Maurice.
What should we call the baby?
What baby?
Our baby.
The Baby, I guess.
- What is it?
- I'm trying to imagine you fat.
- What is it?
- I'm trying to imagine you thin.
As I said to the Duchess, "If you want
to be a duchess, be a duchess.
"If you want to make love, hats off."
Darling, I'll meet you here, right here,
years from now. Is it a deal?
You'll be building skyscrapers
miles high...
you'll never be able to get down in time.
I'll always think of this place as ours.
Here comes Daddy.
What the hell's the matter with you?
If you think I'll wait for years
and then turn up and say "what ho!"
Nobody wants you to say "what ho!"
- Say "darling."
- Or darling or anything else.
- I never want to see you again.
- Then don't.
- I hate you.
- Joanna, listen.
We went into this with our eyes open.
Nobody deceived anyone else.
So stop playing the ruined virgin!
It's a tune I've heard before
and I didn't like it then.
Anyway, you're the one
who's insisting on going back...
to your damned choir!
Joanna, I don't want you to go!
You do. You just want me to become
a beautiful memory. The sooner the better.
Who said anything about beautiful?
Will you come here!
- I never want to see you again.
- Not much...
As long as I live!
I've decided we should get married.
- What do you say?
- Yes.
- I won't ever let you down.
- I will you.
I don't care what you do
just as long as I've got you.
- You won't be sorry, sir.
- You will.
Never.
We are all down here!
I want you to have lunch
with Jeanine and Nanny.
Won't that be nice?
And afterwards you all can go for a swim.
You are naughty.
We were expecting you yesterday.
- I am sorry.
- You are very naughty.
Who don't you know?
This is Nick and Michelle. You know them.
And Mark and Maurice.
Have you met Joanna?
- Hello.
- Joanna Wallace, my brother David.
- How are you?
- Hello.
She's tired and overheated
and has a headache...
but apart from that, she's fine.
Thank you very much.
Mark, I think you are horrible.
I think he's horrible.
Mark, I have given Michelle an island.
When you are finished here
you must come and build us a nest.
- You'll be lucky, Nicky.
- I am lucky.
Mark, I must tell you
I can't hear myself drink.
And they never got home to early tea.
Good morning. Coffee?
Good morning. Thank you.
Caroline sends you her love.
- Did you spend the night here?
- Yes.
It's very comfortable.
- You've stayed here before, have you?
- Once or twice.
Do you mind if I speak with Joanna alone?
But of course.
Did you sleep in the same room?
In other words you...
Are you in love?
After only one day?
I see.
- I'm like that.
- Are you?
How many times has it happened before,
you being like that?
Twice, you and David.
I thought I was going to last a lifetime.
I never meant it to happen.
- We just suddenly found that we...
- Got on?
- Lf you like.
- I'm absolutely mad about the idea.
You really mustn't
blame yourself, you know.
You've got an infernal bloody gall,
I must say.
I don't bloody blame myself, I blame you.
But that is ridiculous.
Look, Joanna's my wife,
or hadn't you heard?
Since some time
you have not loved Joanna.
I am not taking her away from you.
We are simply going away together
for a time.
Thanks. That's really set my mind at rest.
I am sorry
we did not know each other longer.
- It would have been easier.
- Yeah, and more fun.
Then you could have had the supreme
pleasure of taking your friend's wife.
That's real kicks?
Why don't you come out?
Palamos won't mind!
Not that one!
There's still life in it!
The whole world is changing
out of all recognition.
There is no such thing
as permanence anymore.
- No, I suppose not.
- And we should be glad.
I suppose so.
What kind of people just sit
without a word to say to each other?
- Married people.
- Exactly.
- It's so sad.
- No, my darling.
That is not sad.
When something is finished,
one must say, "It's finished."
I'll always love you, always,
no matter what.
- No matter what?
- Yes.
- As long as I don't catch you.
- Lf you catch me, you can keep me.
There comes a time when one must grow.When the old thingsare not amusing anymore.
How is that!
Painful!
That was out, you pregnant sow.
Plumb out, leg before driftwood.
- Pregnant what?
- Pregnant sow.
You'll have to come out eventually.
Help!
Bastard!
Give us a kiss.
You must decide.
I know.
Hello.
I am back.
Enjoy yourself?
Yes, thank you.
But I missed you.
I did.
Why?
Because he is so serious.
I thought you like people who are serious.
But he is so serious.
You want me to make some funny faces?
You don't need to make funny faces.
Mark, I am back.
You humiliate me...
then you come back.
That's right.
Thank God.
Are you sure
you remember which one I am?
I've been stupid. So stupid.
We both.
It was always me, really.
You were always the one...
- I am sorry.
- Let's forget it.
- Can we forget it?
- Can you?
I can.
I am just glad you are back.
That's all I care about.
Well, I am back.
We should have parted then.
- Why didn't we?
- I didn't have the courage.
You didn't have the courage?
What courage did you need?
The courage to see
that what was finished was finished.
And what was finished?
- You know bloody well what was finished.
- Yes, I do.
David and me. And we finished. So?
Both of us know you're hoping
David will be there. Why pretend?
I'm not pretending.
I do hope he will be there.
- See.
- I like him.
I'll have someone to talk to...
when Maurice drags you off for one
of his -minute chats for six hours.
I am not having any -minute chats
with Maurice.
Pin on a nice smile, darling,
we're almost there.
Joanna thought they'd make
a nice addition to the living pit.
Bless you both.
Prettier than ever.
Prettier than ever.
Everyone is admiring the house so much,
I can't tell you.
Tell me.
I can't stand praise unless I have it.
This is a beautiful house. Congratulations.
You must be the architect.
- I just love the high ceilings.
- And the low floors?
Precious.
You'll never believe this,
this is the wildest coincidence imaginable.
When I was en route to the airport,
who do you think I should bump into?
Metaphorically speaking of course.
Howard and Cathy Maxwell Manchester,
on their way back from the hospital.
She's been undergoing surgery
for a particularly...
I'm very happy to say the doctors
have given her a hopeful prognosis.
Anyhow, they told me to call you
when I got to Europe.
What a charming couple you were
and so on.
When I called Yvonne and found out
that you'd built their new home...
- well, you could imagine.
- Right.
Isn't that
the wildest coincidence imaginable?
- Yes, isn't it?
- You've done the most fantastic things.
- I guess you must be a very happy man.
- I guess so.
And your wife is such a darling.
I've heard a lot about her. You have
a wonderful little boy, haven't you?
Actually we have got
a wonderful little girl.
That's right. A wonderful little girl.
I want to tell you...
I'm happy to see a bright, talented man
like you break right through to the top.
I wish Howard and Cathy
were here to see it...
because, believe me,
they believed in you right from the start...
- if not before.
- Come along.
- Mr. Wallace, telephone for you.
- Thank you.
Follow me, sir, I plug you in.
Follow me. He plugs me in.
- They call you from America.
- They call me from America.
They call me from here,
call me from there...
they call me
from every bloody where. Hello.
Hello, Hal, how are you?
It's Hal Van Benius.
What's the story?
It's fixed. That's wonderful.
Yeah. When do we start?
Yesterday, I can't do.
I have things I have to do yesterday.
Rome, Friday? Yeah.
I've got it.
I'll see you then. Great. Bye.
Rome, Friday.
- So, you're very much a success?
- Incredibly much. Come on.
Shall we dance?
I think it's a little bit too early
in the evening for that.
Is it ever too early in the evening for that?
You are here, no one tells me a thing.
I'm repairing the electrics...
which you should have been here to check.
No one tells me you're arriving.
There are many things I want to discuss...
- I'm with my fiancée.
- How do you do?
We'll go somewhere quiet,
then we'll have a long talk.
- I thought this was going to be a party.
- Please, I have problems.
What's the name of your fiancée again?
I don't know, I haven't asked.
What's your name, darling?
She's very pretty.
But you have divorced Joanna?
I don't understand.
Anyway, the main question is
when are you free?
I want you to meet my fiancée,
Sylvia Albino.
David has been telling me about you.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I had a phone call from Hal Van Benius.
- And?
- I got the job.
Good.
- You're going to the States?
- Only for two years.
Then you must spare me minutes.
I need your advice, Mark.
We'll see him in Rome on Friday
on his way through.
Ten minutes.
I've heard the wonderful news about you
and this beautiful girl.
If you two can be as happy as those
two wonderful people over there...
and have a marriage like theirs...
you haven't got a thing to worry about.
You see, Mark, my problem is very simple
but very complicated.
So you must spare me minutes.
Only minutes, please.
You are the obvious man
since it was your original conception.
And I think it only fair
that you see what you can do...
Everybody jump, please.
Thank you.
I think you should be there to supervise...
I hate those occasions.
I hate those occasions.
You love those occasions.
I love you.
And I love you.
How long is this gonna go on?
- How long is what gonna go on?
- The pretence that we're happy.
You've never pretended.
Who's pretending?
You are. That we're happily married
and you wanted to stay with me.
Those are two entirely different things.
You don't have to tell me.
If you had someone to go to you'd leave.
You don't have to tell me.
- Why are you still here?
- Because I'm not you.
How long are you gonna
go on resenting the past?
Who's talking? Just who is talking?
I'm talking.
What would you do if we got a divorce?
Cry.
- Yeah, like for how long?
- I don't know.
- Why would we get a divorce?
- What if I died or didn't exist?
If I hadn't had chickenpox
I'd have had chickenpox... I don't know.
I love you.
Well, then.
What would you do if I didn't exist?
Probably marry David.
But you do exist.
You knew the answer,
so why did you ask the question?
Because I knew the answer.
There'll never be anyone else like you
in my life.
- You promise?
- I hope.
It's you who can't accept it.
What can't I accept?
Why do you stop the car
every time I say something?
What can't I accept?
That we're a fixture, that we're married.
You go on about my leaving you
and I'm always still here.
- Sure you don't want me to leave you?
- Positive.
Why do you think I'm here?
I don't know. That's the whole thing.
That's the whole thing,
you never stop to think.
I've stopped to think.
Stop thinking.
Now?
Here?
- I love happy endings.
- You're just plain immoral.
How can it be immoral if we are married?
We're gonna have to get a divorce.
- Come on, Howie.
- Okay.
You have to admit it, we've changed.
- I admit it. We've changed.
- It's sad, but there it is.
Life.
At least you're not a bad-tempered,
disorganized, conceited failure anymore.
You're a bad-tempered, disorganized,
conceited success.
Wait a minute.
No, my passport's in here.
It must be in here somewhere.
I've got a very important meeting in Rome.
I've got to get through.
- Bitch!
- Bastard!