Voila! Finally, the UHF
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Weird Al Yankovic
movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of UHF. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
UHF
Senior... we must not go any farther!
Look!
It is an ancient, sacred Hovitos symbol.
It's certain death to anyone who enters.
We must turn back... now!
POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS
DO NOT ENTER
KEEP OUT - DANGEROUS AREA
NO VISITORS/NO EXCEPTIONS
WRONG WAY - STOP
SEVERE TIRE DAMAGE
WATCH FOR FALLING ROCKS
George. Hello...Earth to George...
George!
Are you daydreaming again?
No, no, I was, uh... admiring
how clean and shiny this grill is...
Come on George, we're busy here.
You know what the problem is?
Nobody here appreciates a guy with a good imagination.
At least not the people at the lumberyard
or the miniature golf course or Floyd's Fish Market...
or any of the other places you've worked in the last month, right.
Yeah, well, some day... some day they'll all be sorry.
They'll be eating breakfast or something
and all of a sudden they'll say, 'Hey...!'
We screwed up! We never should have fired
George Newman because he's got imagination!
Well... I think the fries are just about done.
Oh, geez. Better not let Big Edna see that. She'll have a fit.
Big Edna, Big Edna... You sound like a broken record.
Why are you so afraid of that pathetic tub of lard?
KUNI'S KARATE SCHOOL
How can you do this to me. I knew this was gonna happen.
You're right. Bob. I'm sorry. What can I say?
I'm a miserable, worthless hunk of slime.
Here, I want you to take this crowbar and...
just bash my head right in.
Really, go ahead, please, just bash it right in.
Ah George, you know I couldn't do that...
you still owe me five bucks.
Hey, Kuni!
Hiya, George!
Beginner's class today, huh?
Yeah! They're so stupid!
Stupid!!
Mm boy... look what I got here. Bob...
a twinkie-wiener sandwich... your favorite.
Come on, Bob, cheer up, will ya?
You ruined my life.
You know, Bob-o, I think you're developing a bad attitude here.
You see Bob you gotta look at the bigger picture.
You gotta grab life by the lips and YANK as hard as you can!
See anything in the want ads?
Yeah, but nothing with the prestige of working at Burger World.
So what do you think Teri's gonna say when she hears you got fired again?
Teri! Oh no... what time is it?
Seven-thirty? Oh boy, I gotta go. I'll see ya later, Bob.
- Stupid!
So, what's your excuse this time?
Well, Bob and I were having a serious discussion about our... various career options.
Boy, I really like what you've done with your hair. It's really
George... did you get fired again?
Yes! Yes! It's all true!
I just don't know what's wrong with me!
So, what's for dinner?
Mashed potatoes? My favorite!
Teri, you shouldn't have!
George, when are you going to start taking things a little more seriously?
I mean, you've been wandering aimlessly from job to job ever since I've known you.
If only you could just get that overactive imagination
of yours to work for you instead of against you. Maybe you could...
what are you doing?
This means something... this is important.
Oh, George, that is just terrible, but, don't you worry.
You're a fine young man. I'm sure you'll get another job right away.
You got such a good face...
Look at this face. Would you look at this face?
Is this a face you could die for?
So, where's Uncle Harvey? I haven't seen him all night.
Oh, he'll be out soon.
I think he's having some kind of last minute business meeting.
Two pair, aces high.
Yeah, what? Hey, Louie!
I just wanted to congratulate you, Mr. Bilchik.
You did very well at the track this afternoon.
Oh yeah? I won again, huh?' Yeh Right.
Thanks, Louie. Bye.
Now, what are we doin' here?
It's your deal, Harvey.
Oh! Hi, honey! Have you finished your meeting?
Yeah, and business was great tonight!
Harvey! Have you been gambling again?
Hey, what are you complainin' about?
This is for when you go shoppin' on Rodeo Drive!
what's this?
Oh, that's the deed to Channel . I won it with a pair of sevens.
I was bluffing
Channel ? I never heard of it.
I'm not surprised. More people watch the fish tank at Leo's Pet Store.
It's a little UHF station on the edge of town...
it's been on the brink of bankruptcy for years.
It's too bad I gotta dump it.
Oh, really? I kind of like the idea of us having our own TV station.
Forget about it. They can't even find anybody to manage the place anymore.
Harvey... I know somebody who'd be perfect for the job.
Yeah? Who's that?
George, George dear. Would you come over here for a second
Oh, no. No, not him. Forget it. No way.
I can't believe you're uncle is letting you run his TV station
Hey! He trusts me. Besides, he's going to California,
he doesn't want to be bothered with it.
Well... here we are!
This is it?
Wow, this is even better than I imagined.
Come on, let's go check it out.
I don't know, George. I'm not so sure about this.
See? The front door's open. It's a friendly place!
Hey, Mister! Change? You got change?
Oh... uh... sure.
... eighty-five... ninety-five... one dollar. Thanks, Mister.
Hello, I'm Mr. Ed
A horse is a horse of course, of course.
And no-one can talk to a horse of course
that is of course unless the horse is the famous Mister Ed.
Go right to the source and ask the horse
he'll give you the
answer that you endorse.
He's always on a standing course
- talk to Mister Ed!
Can I help you?
Who are you?
I'm Philo, chief engineer.
So... isn't it a little late for you to be working?
I mean, what time do you normally go home?
This is my home. I live here.
Hold these.
No, no, no... like this.
What are you doing?
Oh, I just want to see if my interociter can withstand
a sudden charge of sixty-thousand volts.
Wha-?
Yeah, it works.
I don't know about this, George.
I mean don't know the first thing about what goes on at a TV station.
Don't worry. Bob. It's just like working in a fish market,
except you don't have to clean' and gut fish all day.
Yah, So, can I help you?
Hi, I'm George Newman. I'm the new station manager.
You know, when I first took this job
they told me that this position was only temporary,
and that eventually, when the time was right I'd move up to news,
which is really my forte. You know how long I've been working here?
Two years! It's kind
of hard to get promoted when every other week you have a new boss.
This job really sucks.
And this is my friend Bob.
Hi. Nice to meet you
Howdy, friends, it's Crazy Ernie from "Crazy Ernie's Used Car Emporium!"
It's a giant supermarket of cars!
I got so many cars, people come up to me and say,
"Hey, Crazy Ernie! Where'd you get all those cars?!"
Lookee here.
I got red cars, I got green cars, I got enough cars to choke a camel! Tell you what, friends.
If nobody comes down and buys a car from me in the next hour, I'm gonna club this baby seal.
That's right, I'll club this seal to make a better deal.
And you know I'd do it, too... cause I'm crazy!
ehn, look at all the old reruns this station is airing.
We could sure use some more live shows.
I don't know, something like um..
Oh no
You ok in there Pam?
Yes. If it's not one thing, it's another.
You know that mailman's really got a screw loose.
He delivers us this package that's suppose to go to R.J. Fletcher.
Who?
R.J Fletcher. He runs channel .
You know, the net work affiliate downtown.
Oh well, I'll just have to
send it back to him tomorrow.
No, that's okay, I'll
take it over myself.
It'll be a good chance to meet the competition.
You know George, I'll tell you I don't really think
that's such a good idea
I heard he's not the nicest guy in the world.
Oh, come on, he can't be all that bad.
You just gotta know how to talk to those guys.
You idiot! Can't you do anything I tell you to do?!
Does this look like a Number Two pencil?
No, I... I just thought-
You thought?! I don't pay you to think!
But, Dad
Shut up!! Let's get back to the meeting.
Alright, who's got the research report?
I left the report on your desk, sir.
I don't see it. When did you put it here?
Yesterday, before I left, sir.
The janitor. It must have been the janitor.
He probably threw it out when he was cleaning up in here.
Send in the janitor!
I'm going to get to the bottom of this!
I will not tolerate this type of behavior at Channel !
This is a business, not a home for irresponsible pus brains!
You wanted me, sir?
That's right. I guess you know why I called you in here.
Because you're lonely?
No, you moron!
Now look carefully.
Do you see anything missing from this desk?
Uh... that stapler?
No!
Now... listen to me!
There was a very important file on this desk.
A file that represented two months of intensive research.
It's my guess that you threw it out.
Why, no, sir, no um.
Were you in here cleaning up last night?
Yes sir, yes sir I was.
Do you see the file on my desk now?
Gee, I don't know I..
I think I've proved my point.
You are a worthless human being, Mr..
Spadowski. Stanley Spadowski.
May I call you Stanley?
- Okay
- Stanley...
- You're fired!
- But... I... I didn't
- Get out!!
- But I...
People are..
I can't believe the incompetence in this place!
People like that should be put to sleep.
Well, what do you know? The research file!
Here it is! I've been sitting here all the time!
Betty, hold my calls.
Yes, Mr. Fletcher.
Hey! R.J.!
Hi! George Newman, U . Say, nice place you got here.
You know, I was just thinking, since we're both in the business...
Where'd you get this?
Don't you know that stealing mail is a federal offense?
Hold on, you don't understand...
No, you don't understand how serious a crime this is!
I think you'd better just clean out your desk right now and get out!
You're through, mister!
But I don't work here.
Trespassing, huh? I'll give you ten seconds to get out before I call the police.
Look, I just thought we could...
... five... four...
Gee, look at the time.
Well, gotta go. Keep in touch.
No... No.. No please... it's all I've got left...
Let go! This is station property!
NO! NO! It's my, mop!
Let go, let go you idiot
That's my mop!
Not any more, buddy!
Hey, are you all right?
It's just not fair...
Come on, forget about it. It's only a mop.
Only a mop? Only a mop?! Oh, You don't understand.
That mop was given to me for my birthday when I was years old.
We've never been apart!
And now... now I don't even have a job anymore!
After fifteen years, they toss me out like a bag of moldy tangerines!
What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?
Well... maybe you could come work for me...
Really? You mean it?
Uh... sure, I guess we could use a janitor.
Stanley Spadowski.
George Newman.
I'm mighty glad to meet you, George.
I'm going to do a realy great job, you won't be sorry. I'm really going to do a good job for you.
I'm a good janitor, I'm a realy good janitor.
Want me to clean your glasses for you?
- No, I...
I'm make them shiny, nice and shiny. Cause we're friends aren't we George.
No!
- Is this it...?
- No!
- Is this it...?
- No!
- Is this it?
- No, George, I can't delay the broadcast,
because the mayor is suppose to be coming any minute.
Where is he...? No, I've looked all over.
- I don't see a "Noodles" Maclntire
- Macintosh! At your service!
Yah, George, Never mind. I think I found him.
Come on, come on!
We now go live to U 's Pamela Finklestein on the steps at City Hall.
Thank you. HI! Pamela Finklestein here.
Boy it's quite a scene this morning on the front steps of City Hall.
We're awaiting the emergence of Mayor Thompson from his annual city budget meeting...
Oh, I think he.... oh yah, here comes the mayor now....
let's go over and maybe we can get a few words out of him.
Aww, did I do that? Oopsie!
Hey, Noodles, those things are pretty fragile. You should be more careful.
Here he comes now... I think we should be able to...
Hey, sweet heart, take my advice... Broads don't belong in broadcasting.
Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor! Richard Fletcher, channel news, how are you?
Yah but, yah but..'Broads don't belong in broadcasting'?!
Is that the kind of professional courtesy you teach your news department?
Why, that's just terrible.
I don't know how many times I've told those boys...
never call chicks 'broads.'
Why, you slimy
Hello, and welcome to 'Town Talk.'
I'm George Newman and today our special guest
is local high school shop teacher Joe Earley.
Joe thanks for joining us
Thank you homeboy.
Well, I see you've brought some equipment with you today.
Would you mind giving us a demonstration?
Not at all.
There's only a few simple principles
you must bare in mind before attempting
to operate a sophisticated piece of machinery, like this...
Table saw.
You know, lots of times, when my students first learn to..
What? oh, Can you believe this?
wouldja look at that.
Just call me Mr. Butterfingers.
Oh I think its on the floor somewhere...
Is my face red.
Honey, where's the spatula?
Ok, kids, let's go!
There's just one place to go for all of your spatula needs
Spatula City
A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.
Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.
Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.
Thousands to choose from in every shape, size, and color.
And because we eliminate the middle man,
we can sell all our spatulas
factory direct to you.
Where do you go if you want to buy
name brand spatulas at a
fraction of retail cost?
Spatula City
And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.
Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth one for just one penny.
Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.
And what better way to say "I love you." than with the gift of a spatula?
Spatula City
Hello, this is Sy Greenblum, president of Spatula City.
I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company.
Spatula City - seven locations;
we're in the yellow pages under "spatulas".
My, where did you get that lovely spatula?
Spatula City We sell spatulas, and that's all.
Hey, kids, where do you wanna go?
To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse.
That's right! I'm your Uncle Nutzy and boy oh boy,
are we gonna have some big fun today, huh, kids?
Well, let's walk on over and see who's in our Kiddie Korner...
Hi, what's your name?
Billy.
Billy what?
Okay...
Uh oh, you know who that is?
That's right, it's your pal, Bobo the Clown! Yayyy!
Hey, Bobo, wanna play a game?
Okay... look up!
Look down!
Now look at Mr. Frying Pan!
Uh Oh, Bobo fall down go boom!
Upsie-daisey. Say Bobo, what's wrong?
I bet I know. You're hungry, aren't you.
Well, I know just what you want.
Clowns and kids alike can't resist the mouth-watering,
lip-smacking taste of Mrs. Hockenburger's Butter Cookies.
Right, Bobo?
That's right! And hey, mom! They're nutritious, too!
Just look at how much Bobo here likes 'em.
Mmmm, that's good. And don't forget, kids,
there's a nifty surprise inside every box of Mrs. Hockenburger's...
Uh oh! Ha ha ha... Bobo's been eating Yappy's Dog Treats!
That's right! Yappy's Dog Treats,
your dog will love that real
liver and tuna taste...... with just a hint of cheese.
Hi Pamela Finklestein here.
We're talking with Mr. Earl Ramsey.
Now Mr. Ramsey is the President of the
local chapter of the American Gun Association.
Um Mr. Ramsey, would it be correct to assume
that your organization is against gun control?
Gun control is for wimps and Commies.
Listen, let's get one thing straight.
Guns don't kill people... I do!
I do
Yes. Well
Special Bulletin
This is a special bulletin from the U newsroom.
Hi, Teri, it's George
Happy Birthday! Hey, how bout if I take you
and you're parents out to dinner?
I'll meet you at Café Francais at seven-thirty, ok? I love you...
Are you tired of sloppy, cut-rate funerals?
You've tried the rest, now try the best...
The 'Plots R Us' Mortuary Service.
Remember, there's always plenty of free parking,
and don't forget to visit our new salad bar.
'Plots R Us.' Eternal peace... at affordable prices.
Beverly
Beverly Hillbillies
Huh, now lookie here people
Listen to my story
A little story 'bout a man named Jed
You know something?
That poor mountaineer
They say he barely kept his family fed
Now, let me tell you
One day he was shootin'
Old Jed was shootin' at some food
When all of a sudden right up from the ground, there
Well, there came a bubblin' crude
Oil that is Well, maybe you call it black gold or Texas tea
He gonna move next to Mr. Drysdale And be a Beverly hillbilly...
Before you know it, all the kinfolk are-a-sayin'
Yeah, buddie, move away from there
That little Clampet got his own cement pond
That little Clampet, he's a millionaire
Now, everyone said Californie
Is the place that you oughta be
We got to load up this here truck now
We got to move to Beverly
Hills, that is
Swimming pools
Move-a-move-a-movie stars
Lookit that, lookit that
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
Y'all come back now, y'hear?
Beverly Beverly Beverly hillbillies
George... hey, George...
I finished polishing all the doorknobs.
Is there anything else you want me to do?
Uh, no, Stanley... that's ok.
It's getting pretty late.
Why don't you call it a night?
Aw... do I have to?
Yeah. Go on. I'll see you in the morning.
Okay, I'll see ya.
Hey, George. You know, I was just wondering...
like, like, if you were travelling through outer space.
I mean like going real fast like the speed of light you know,
and all of a sudden you started screaming...
you think that you're brain would blow up?
Hey, guys, I'm trying to work here, do you mind?
No... no, I don't mind, go right ahead.
Do you mind, George?
Would you care to order now?
Oh yah, I'll have the
No, thank you. We'll wait.
Are you sure he knows what restaurant we're at?
Well... I've got some good news and some bad news.
Okay... gimme the bad news first.
Well, given our present financial situation,
compounded by on-going fixed expenses and outstanding invoices,
I figure this station will be flat broke by the end of the week.
What's the good news?
I lied. There is no good news.
I never should have taken this job.
I should have known it would turn out like all the others.
You know, for a short time there,
I just don't know anymore.
Well, at least I've still got Teri.
Bob, what time is it?
Nine thirty.
Oh no...
Hello?
George Newman... you're a selfish, thoughtless, insensitive creep.
And from now on you can forget all my birthdays... because we're through
Hey, kids... where do you want to go?
That's right. To Uncle Nutzy's Clubhouse.
And boy oh boy are we gonna have big fun today.
We're gonna have so much fun...
we'll forget about how miserable we are
and how much life sucks and how
we're all going to grow old and die someday.
I wanna go home.
Shut up, you little weasel.
Okay, right now I'd like to show you one of my favorite cartoons.
It's a sad, depressing story about a pathetic coyote
who spends every waking moment of his life in the futile pursuit
of a sadistic roadrunner, who mocks him and laughs at him
as he is repeatedly crushed and maimed.
Hope you enjoy it.
Hey, where are you going?
I think I need a drink.
You don't drink.
Yeah, I know, but I've been meaning to start.
Well, wait a minute, what about the rest of the show?
Whatch out Mr.Coyote! Oh no... this is terrible...
Hey, Stanley.
Yeah, George?
How would you like your own TV show?
ok.
You're on.
What are you doing? Are you crazy
George, what about?
Bob... it doesn't matter anymore. It's over.
Yeah, we're watchin' it tube... yeah,
I've never seen anything like it... Okay, talk to you later.
Gentlemen! What can I get ya?
Beer.
Blueberry daquiri.
Tell you what George, Let's start fresh.
Start a whole new business.
Maybe we could borrow some money from your Uncle Harvey.
Oh. Right. We just flushed his TV station down the toilet.
I'm sure he'd be happy to lend us money.
So... I guess Teri's never gonna speak to you again, huh?
Hey, I didn't get an umbrella.
Look, everybody he's comin' back on!
Hey!! Welcome back to "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"!
Are you kids having a good time?
Yaaaaaay!
Hey, how bout that cartoon!
That was a weird cartoon, wasn't?
You know, that cartoon, it reminds me of a dream I had last week.When I turned into
a bird with a candy bar head. And then there were these other birds you know,and there all
trying to eat my head and everything.But I got a way from them.Then there was this tree you know,
and there was this weird lizard
I...I wanna show you somethin'! I wanna show you somethin'
This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop.
It's a pretty good mop. It's not as good as my first mop.I miss
my first mop, but this is still a good mop.Sometimes you just have to take
what life gives you.Cause life is like a mop andand sometimes life gets full of
dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff, you just gotta clean it out, you, you gotta
put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again. And Sometimes, sometimes, life
sticks to the floor so bad, you know a mop? A mop just it's not good enough...It's not good enough. You gotta get down
there with like a toothbrush you know and you gotta you gotta really scrub! You've got to get it off. You've got to
real try to get it off. But if that doesn't work, that doesn't work you can't
give up... you gotta stand right up and gotta run to the window and yell, 'Hey
these floors are dirty as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!!'
Yes mama! That's right, Stanley Spadowski, ah ah.
I don't think that he's married now.
Well I think that he went to Harvard.
I'll see you kids later. Hi, George.
I'm done with the show, whaddaya want me to do now?.
Did you have a good time in there, Stanley?
Yeah! Oh boy, it was fun!
Great. How'd you like to do it every day?
Yeah! That would be... Wait a minute...
do I still get to be the janitor?
Sure.
Oh. Okay... it's a deal.
I'm gonna go clean the bathroom now.
Okay, kids, where do you wanna go?
To Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse!!
Great. All right. It's a deal.
Thanks a lot. Ok.
George, wait 'till you hear this.
'Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse' is sold out for the next three months!
The sponsors love him!
If we had a few more shows like this, we'd really be in business.
Yeah, I've been thinking about that.
I've been working on some new ideas.
Tell me what you think
Today... one of these lucky contestants will win his or her weight in fish...
right here on 'Wheel Of Fish!'
Okay, let's play the game! We start with yesterday's winner...
Mrs. Phyllis Weaver. Are you ready, Weaver?
I sure am, Kuni!
Okay, you get over there and spin the Wheel of Fish!
Go ahead, give it a big spin...
Come on, come on.
A red snapper! MM, is very tasty!
Okay, Weaver, listen carefully.
You can hold on to your red snapper,
or you can go for what's in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the aisle right now!
What's it gonna be?
- Keep the fish!|- Take the box!
I... I'll take the box!
You took the box! Let's see what's in the box.
Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Stupid...! You're so stupid...!!
Hello, my name is Philo, and welcome to...
'Secrets Of The Universe.'
Today we're going to learn to make Plutonium from common household items.
Hey, man, this is Raul Hernandez, and welcome to
'Raul's Wild Kingdom,' coming to you live from my apartment!
How about that, huh? Okay, first thing we're gonna do today is check out the
wonderful world of turtles..
This is my friend Tommy. Tommy say hello to the nice people.
'hello' Aaay, isn't he great? Okay, so... the turtle is a member of the reptile family
and it's got this hard, protective shell...(he raps on it) ... which keeps
predators away and provides him with his own house for when he sleep. And he's got these
teeny tiny little legs, which makes him move real slow. And not many people
know this, but the turtle is also natures suction cup! Watch this...
Did'ou see that? It sticks!
Okay, oh yah, what else I got for you? yeah, check this out.
This is my ant farm. You know, ants are amazing.
They can carry fifty times their own weight,
and they work for weeks and weeks building these intricate little tunnels, and...oh yeah, they hate it when you do this...
Oh, look, they're really mad now!
Where did you find this guy?
Me, I thought you hired him
For those of you just joining us,
today we're teaching poodles how to fly!
Okay, Foofie, are you psyched? Are you ready?
Okay, here we go... get ready... and... FLY!!
fly
Oh, man...
You know, sometimes it takes 'em a
longer to learn how to do it right.
Okay... come on... come on... cheer up, cheer up. hey, hey! Who's next?Ah Gigi.
Aw man.
Hi, this is Teri. I'm not home right now, so leave a message
and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Ter-eeee! I'm sorry! Come on, give me one more chance!
Pleeeeeeease! Come on Teri. Teri. OH OH, I'm in hell.
I'm in HELL! Teri! Teri pick up the phone. Pick the phone.Pick up the phone! Oh Teri. Oh Teri. PLEEEEESE. Oh Teri.
Oh, Richard... you shouldn't have...
Happy Father's Day, dad
What is this piece of crap?
I thought I told you I wanted a Rolex! A ROLEX!What?!
Uh... sir?
What do you want?
Just thought I ought to tell you, sir,there's a lot of talk on the street about this Channel .
They're starting to get a pretty strong following...
Excuse me, did you say 'Channel .'
Uh huh.
Do I need to remind you... that we are a network affiliate?!And we're in competition
with other networks,not with a bunch of punks broadcasting out of a closet!
But, s s s
Do you enjoy wasting my time? Get out of my office...
and take that ridiculous thing off!
What's that mean? What's that mean?
We got a winner! We got a winner!
Joel Miller, you just found the marble in the oatmeal!
You're a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy, cause you know why?
You get to drink from the firehose!
Okay...You ready?
YAH!
Open wide!
Joel Miller. Let's here it for him.
Raul Hernandez?
Yeah...
Got the delivery here for your next show.
Oh, great, whatcha got?
Let's see... I got an ardvork, a flamingo,
four porcupines, two armadillos, three badgers...
Badgers?! Badgers?!!
We don't need no stinking badgers!!!
LIFE MEANS NOTHING WITHOUTH YOU
I LOVE YOU
Never before in the history of motion pictures
has there been a screen presence so commanding
... so powerful
... so deadly
... He's CONAN THE LIBRARIAN!"
Can you tell me where I could find a book on astronomy?
Don't you know...
THE DEWEY DECIMAL SYSTEM?
Conan the Librarian...
I'm sorry, these books are a little overdue...
Conan the Librarian
Tonight, only on U .
This is a very good watermelon. Tastes like poop.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat some corn flakes.
This are good... OH! Free toy inside, free toy inside.
Lets' find it.
Don't let you're mom know that you do this, but I want to find the toy.
NAME THAT STAIN - THE YOUNG AND THE DYSLEXIC - WONDERFUL WORLD OF FLEGM-THAT'S DISGUSTING
Oh look, it's a toy man. It's a toy man. Hey wanna go for a ride?'oh boy is it fun.' Here, I'll just tie this around you're
waste.'no no just wait a minute," No no, I'll show you.'no wait, I don't want to go for a
ride.AHHHHHHHHHH! Stop! Stop! AHHHHH!' Wasn't that fun?'No! Stop! I'm
dizzy.' No, lets go again. 'AHHHHHHH'
Okay, how's this for our new Friday line-up...
Eight o'clock, 'Druids On Parade,' then 'The Volcano Worshippers' Hour'
followed by 'Underwater Bingo For Teens' and... 'Fun With Dirt.'
Why not.
Oh, and get this... I got a call this morning from
a guy who says he can swallow his own face!Can you believe that? I.. Bob? Whatcha got there?
The ratings.
Don't tell me we actually showed up on the list...
We're number one.
Say what?
We beat out the networks. This is unbelievable. Look at these numbers.
We've got three shows in the top five.
"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse" went through the roof!He got a sixty share! Do you know what this means?
We're going to make some real money!
George... we're the number one station in town!
There's lots of fun coming your way this weekend on U .
First, slam your way to health as you 'Stay Fit!' with Mike and Spike.
Next, every bodies favorite. Chef Bernie invites you to go 'Bolwing for Burgers.'
Sunday...Be a part of the excitement as
we premiere our dazzling new
game show, 'Strip Solitaire!'
And then, join us for
some hilarious fun on the all
new practical jokes and bloopers.
And you won't want to miss 'Celebrity
Mud Wrestling,' with this week's special
guest, Michel Gorbavich.
It's a whole new weekend on U . The reason Television was invented.
Be there! Yah
This is indeed a sad day for Channel .
We've been number one in this
town for the past ten years and now our sponsors are
pulling their accounts...we're losing valuable advertising
revenue...we're losing credibility in the market... and why?
Because of some fly-by-night UHF station. A UHF station!
This is an embarrassment. A disgrace!
What do you think R.J. Fletcher Sr. would saying if he were alive today?
Help! Let me outta this box! I can't breath in here! Help! Lemme out...
We've got to do something. We've got to do it fast. Who owns that station anyway?
Yodf!... Hey, Big Louie! What's happin'
Bad news, Mr. Bilchik.
None of your horses came in.
Oh, that's to bad.
So, a, what's the damage?
Seventy-five thousand dollars.
Uh... excuse me, Louie, I think I got some water in the phone here.
How much was that again?
Seventy-five thousand dollars. I'll be expecting payment in days.
Two days?! Listen, Louie... I might need a little more time...
Friday night. Ten o'clock. Seventy-five thousand... in cash.
I'm dead meat.
Yeah, what?...
Mr. Bilchick? This is R.J. Fletcher.
Can I help you?
No, thanks. Just taking a few measurements.
Wait a minute, I think I missed something here.
Oh, didn't I tell you? I own this place now.
You what?
What's the matter, kid,
you got wax in your ears?
But my Uncle Harvey..
Harvey Bilchik is flying in tonight to close the deal.
I don't believe this.
Hold this kid.
George, do something.
Hey, wait a minute,
don't you already own Channel .
I mean, isn't it illegal to own two TV stations in the same town.
Oh, really? Gee
I guess I'll turn it into
a parking lot.
Toodle Lo
Harvey
I still don't understand
what this is all about?
I told you
, I just have to wrap up a little business deal and I'll be back in a few days
- and I'll tell you all about it then.
- You take care of you're self, you hear?
Bye
Bye
Hello? Oh hi George, it's so good
to hear from you? How's everything?
HE WHAT!
Harvey Bilchick! Get in here!
Uncle Harvey, at least give me a chance to match his offer.
Yah let me worry about where I'm going to come up with the money.
Yeah, seventy-five thousand, in cash, firday night.
O'clock, yah I got it. OK, ok, bye.
George, where are you gonna to come up with that kind of money?
Yeah. And what are you going to do about Fletcher?
Yeah, I wouldn't put anything past that guy.If there were only some way we could keep an eye on him.
Harvey... Harvey Bilchik? Hey, great to see you. R.J. Fletcher.
Did you have a good flight?
Yeah... want some peanuts?
No, thank you. Mr. Bilchik, while you're here in town,
I want to make sure you're very comfortable.
Anything special you want, you just let me know.
Now, whaddaya say we take care of a little business?I've got all the cash
right here and as soon as you sign these and we can start celebrating.
Yeah, well, uh... listen, I
gotta talk to you about that.
What? What's wrong?
Well you see, the thing is...
that a I promised George that I'd give him a chance to get all the money
- by Friday night.
What are you talking about? We had a deal!
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry, this is just something I had to do.Don't worry about it. There's no possible way
that kid can come-up with seventy-five thousand bucks in two days.
TOWN TALK WITH GEORGE
George Newman. He starts where the others stop.
Sex with furniture, what do you think?
The world watched in amazement as he unlocked
the mysteries of Al Caponio's glove compartment.
AH HA!
Road maps!
He blow the lid off Satanism.
Look, all I was trying to say..
Oh shut up you pin head! You make me sick!
Sometimes shocking, always controversial.He deals with topics that the other talk
shows are afraid to touch.He pries, he pokes, he digs deep. He gets
the answers, he gets the facts,and most of all he gets the ratings.
Lesbian, Nazi Hookers, abducted by UFO's
and forced into weight lose programs, all this week, on 'Town Talk.'
George, what's a matter?
Stanley, you don't want to know.
Oh... why'd I ask?
Somethin' I can do to help?
Not unless you've got seventy-five thousand dollars.
No... sorry.
This is ridiculous. There must be something I could do...
The U telethon is on the air!
Hey, dad, you better turn on Channel . Something funny's going on.
Now, we're not asking for donations.
What we are doing is offering everyone in this town a unique business opertunity.
This is one share of stock in Channel .Our goal, over the next
day and a half,will be to sell seventy-five hundred of these at ten dollars apiece.
If we succeed, then the station will belong to all of us.
Now I'm calling out an S.O.S. Save Our Station!
We've got volunteers right over here that will be taking your money and they're gonna be here
around the clock for the next two days until every share is sold!
Whaddaya say, kids? Can we do it?
I think it's time you boys paid our Mr. Spadowski a little visit.
Um ya, I'm calling on behalf of our station
and were having this telethon
and where trying, really raisin'
a lot of money for
channel and we'd really appreciate if
you could help us. Bring you're dogs down here
I'll wash them for you.
Well so far, guys your response has been really been incredible,
but we've still got a long way to go... Remember, when you buy stock in U
you're not only will you be helping yourself and the community..
You're doing great, Stanley. Now. remember, you gotta pace yourself..You got a long way
to go before tomorrow night.
I can do it, George... I can do it.
All right, now just take it easy...
Is there anything I can get you?
Some play-doh
Okay.
NO NO no, give some bubble some real big bubbles.
I'll 'see what I can do.
Who is it?
Got a pizza here for Mr. Stanley Spadowski.
Pizza? For me? Oh boy!
I like peppers, but I love anchovies cause there real fishy.
Some times I like to get a pizza with nothing on it but anchovies.
No peppers or olives or onions, just anchovies cause there good.
So... are we gonna kill him?
No no.
The boss just wants us to keep
him on ice for a while. Easy easy.
Hey... wait a minute... you guys aren't from the pizza place!
ON THE AIR
George, George, you've got to do something.
Every minute Stanley's off the air, we're losing money.
Yeah... listen, just stall as long as you can. I'm sure he'll turn up.
OK.
What did the police say?
They're doing everything they can.I'm telling you, George, Fletcher's behind this, I just know it.
Okay, I'm thinking Of something... orange.
Something orange... orange... Ya give up? It's an orange!
Get it? This is fun, huh? Okay, now I'm thinking of something blue... something... blue...
Let me kill him. Please let me kill him.
What! Don't you like Baonaza!?
Ok Philo, go to commercial.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK...
Next week on U ...
He's back
And this time
He's mad
No more mister passive resistance
He's out to kick some butt
This is one bad mother you don't wanna mess with
Don't move, slimeball
He's a one man recking crew
But he also knows how to party
Gimme a steak, medium rare
Hey, Baldy!
There is only one law
His law
Hey, mister! Change? You got change?
Do you mind? Get out of my way.
Hey, come on, can't you help a guy out? Anything...
Don't spend it all in one place.
Wow! Oh I can't believe it. Thanks, mister! Thanks a lot!
Um, Mr. Fletcher, may I speak to you for a moment?
Personnel is that way, young lady.
No, I'm not here about a job, I'd like to speak to you about Channel .
Channel ? Oh yes, my demolition team is looking forward
to turning it into a rubble heap on Saturday morning.
Wait a minute. Would you please just listen.
George Newman has turned that little station into something
this community cares about.
George Newman is a two-bit
little punk who should never have stuck his nose where it didn't belong
and if he sent you here to try and make a deal...
George doesn't know I'm here.
Look, it just seems to me there's more than enough room for the both of you in this town.
Besides, a little competition is always good for the community.
The community? Let me tell you something.
This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!
You guys...? Hey, you guys...? My blindfold fell off!
You better come fix it. I didn't mean for it ..
HEY... MY SHIRT GLOWS IN THE DARK! WOW!!
Would you shut him up?
I got an itch I got an itch I got an itch I got an itch I got an itch...
I got an itch I got an itch
Stanley, I don't want to have to tell you this again.
Shut up! You're makin' us nuts.
Now I got three guys out here
that would love to cut your tongue out.
But I don't want them to do that. I told them not to complain about all this...
... Stanley, be nice.
MY MOP!!
¡Please!
It's a mop
¿¿??
Yeah.
Stanley!
Don't move, Spadowski.
Don't even breathe.
What are we gonna do now?
I'll handle this.
HELICOPTER RIDES- $
Who's this guy?
I'm you're worst nightmare
Listen, I can see you guys are pretty busy...how about if I just come back later?
Forget it, pal. We're all goin' for a little ride.
Oh. Well, we're gonna have to take your car... mine's a two-seater.
Just shut up, kid. You know, you really botched thing up.
If you hadn'ta stuck your face in our business,
we'd all be goin' home soon.
But now I'm gonna have to put you and your friend out of commission... for good.
Red rum! Red rum!
What was that?
Hold on. Though hear something?
What?
I don't know...
SUPPLIES
Supplies !!!
Hey, everybody! They're back!
Friends, there comes a time in every man's life
where he has to look the potato of injustice right in the eye.
There's a powerful evil force in the universe, and it lives at Channel .
I've seen it. And I don't want it to pop its ugly, greasy head here. Do you?
No!
I can't hear you!
No! !
I can't hear you!!!
No! ! !
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Alright, say it again!
No! ! !
Alright!
And now, a Special Report from the owner and General Manager of Channel R.J. Fletcher.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
I come before you tonight
to speak on a matter which is of grave concern to us all.
I want to show you how one small television station can single-handedly
disrupt and destroy the moral fiber of an entire community.
SIGNAL OVER-RIDE
STAND BY
The following may upset you. It may even shock you.
But I feel it is my duty as a concerned cititizan to bring you this important massage.
This community means about as much to me as a festering bowl of dog snot!
You think I care about the pea-brained yokels in this town?
If you took their combined IQ and multiplied it by a hundred,
you might have enough intelligence to tie your shoe,if you didn't
drool all over yourself first.I can't stand those snivelling maggots. They make me want
to puke.But there is one good thing about broadcasting to a town full of mindless
sheep.I always know I've got them exactly where I want them.
Seventy-three thousand dollars! WOHOO!
We just hit the seventy-three thousand dollar mark!
OK Mouseketeers, Come on! We can do it!
Whaddaya say, stranger.
Teri? What are you doing here? I thought you never wanted to see me again.
Well what ever gave you that idea?
Well, I think my first clue was when you said you never wanted to see me again.
Oh. Well, George no matter what happens tonight
I just want you to know that I'm so proud of you.
Uncle Harvey! Listen, we'll definitely have the money for you.
It just may take a few minutes longer than we expected...
Look, kid, if it were up to me, I'd let you have all the time you wanted.
But you know, Big Louie is a punctual kinda guy.I wouldn't want to keep him waiting...
Okay, Okay, I know a lot of you people probably like to wait until the last minute.
Well, this is it! This is the last minute!
What are you doing here? Disturbing the peace. Come on.
Why aren't you home in bed? Stand back. Out of my way. Look out.
This party is over, Mr. Newman.
You can say that again...
Okay, Fletcher, you win... give me the money.
Settle down... All in good time MR. Bilick.
What are you crazy?! Give me the money!
Please! If you don't mind, there are a few things I'd like to say
to these people before this transaction takes place...
Dear friends. I'm sure that one day you'll realize that
by shutting down this hot bed of subversive activity...
Hey, Mister...
Not now, okay...?
I was just wondering if it was too late to buy shares.
- I'll take whatever you got left.
- How much is that?
Two thousand dollars. Keep the change.
Uh... Mr. Big Louie, sir? My Uncle Harvey wanted you to have this.
Seventy-five thousand dollars... it's all here.
Uncle Harvey...
Hey! What's going on here?
Now wait just one minute here! What do you think you're doing?
We did it! The station's ours!
Wow look that
You can't do this! We had an agreement, remember? An oral contract! I'll sue!
Aw, blow it out your ear scuz bag.
R.J. Fletcher?
So what if I am?
I'm John Vickers, FCC.
I've noticed that your station is late in filing for its license renewal this year.
Now, normally this kind of violation would be punishable by a stiff fine,
but I've been watching you lately and you've made a big impression on me.
Yah, I'm revoking your license. Effective immediately, you're off the air.
HI! Pamela Finklestein here coming to you with a most incredible
turn of events. Not only has the once-powerful corporate broadcasting giant been
thoroughly crushed and defeated, but now as luck would have it,
they've been completely stripped of their license by the FCC.
Oh well what do you have to say about it, you worthless, slobbering pig?
Dad! Where's my dad? What's going on here?
Awvw...
did I do that? Oopsie!
Daddddd!
Philo... Hey, you really went beyond the call of duty on this one, pal. Thanks.
Glad to have been of service, George.
Well, it appears my work
on this planet is complete.
I must now return to my home on the planet Zarkon.
Okay, well, have fun.
Hey... nice goin' kid. I didn't know you had it in ya. You're okay.
Thanks, Uncle Harvey. Have a
nice flight back to the cost.
Say hi to Aunt Esther for me.
Sure will.
Excuse me, aren't you R.J. Fletcher?
Yes...
Stanley! Congratulations, you really pulled us through.
Hey George I want you to know that I'm mighty proud to be a part of your team.
Well, I'm mighty proud of you too, Stanley.
In fact, I'd like to present you with a small token of my gratitude.
A trophy! That that's me?
'Stanley... World's Greatest
Janitor and TV Star.'
Ah, George... I've never had any one give me a trophy before.
It's big. George, you're my best friend in the whole world!
I'm gonna go show this to everybody right now!!Hey, everybody! Look at what George gave me!
Hey! Hey, I know you! You're the guy that gave me that double dye Denver
Mint penny!Thanks a lot, mister! That thing was worth a fortune!
After I cashed it in, I had enough money to buy a whole bunch of shares...
plus, I got this neat watch.
It's a Ro-lex. See?
Um, George?
Ah uh
You know those dreams you/re always having?
Yeah...?
Well, do you think that maybe sometime I could be part of them?
Honey... from now on, you're going to be in all of them.
Aww... George...
Darlin'... let's leave
this place right now...
Let's go this very minute
No, dear, please...
let's wait 'til tomorrow...
But, why? Why?
Because tomorrow... is another day!
I knew she was gonna say that.
Put down your remote control
Throw out your TV Guide
Put away your jacket
There's no need to go outside
Don't you know that we control the horizontal
We control the verticle, too
We gonna make a couch potato out of you
That's what we gonna do now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
Disconnect the phone and leave the dishes in the sink
You better put away your homework
Prime time ain't no time to think
All you do is make yourself a TV dinner
Press your face right up against the screen
We gonna show you thangs you ain't ever seen
If you know what I mean, now
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF
You can watch us all day
You can watch us all night
You can watch us any time that you please
You can sit around and stare at the picture tube
'Till your brain turns into cottage cheese
Don't change the channel
Don't touch that dial
We got it all on UHF
Kick off your sneakers
Stick around for a while
We got it all on UHF
Don't worry 'bout your laundry
Forget about your job
Just crank up the volume
And yank off the knob
We got it all, we got it all, we got it all on UHF