[ Applause ]
Before I start signing these,
I need to thank somebody
who's here tonight.
When I had her at State --
That didn't sound right.
I never had her.
I wanted her, but never had her.
What I meant was
when I took her class.
I had the worst case
of writer's block in the world.
All I had were terrible ideas.
I hated them all.
I was just about
to drop the class
when she said something to me
that changed everything.
She said, "Terrible ideas
are like playground scapegoats.
Given the right encouragement,
they grow up to be geniuses."
She told me to take one,
and work on it.
Well, I did.
Frances Mayes,
who loves terrible ideas,
may I please French kiss
you now?
MAN :
Go for it, Willie boy!
Married, William.
Sorry.
Proud of me?
Ridiculously.
Frances, these are amazing.
What did you do?
Chocolate is timing, my friend.
-The rest is magic.
-Hey, Professor.
-Where is the wine?
-Over there.
Tom is one lucky bastard.
A literary wife
who makes brownies.
I swear, if you tell me
you cook in the nude,
I'll go home and kill myself.
Never in the nude.
Always in a thong.
Actually, if you knew Frances,
you'd know these are avoidance.
Thanks.
-How's the novel going?
-Not so well.
But the procrastination
is coming along fabulously.
Soon it will breed
abject self-loathing,
and then I'll just become
a writing machine.
What about Tom?
How's his book going?
Fine.
He's home writing right now.
You know Tom?
I met him recently,
sort of by coincidence.
The other coincidence is that
you reviewed a book of mine.
I did?
Did I like it?
You didn't.
Well, I'm sorry.
I'm sure there were a lot
of other critics who loved it.
And I really hope
you didn't take it personally.
You called my lead character
"unrealistic."
I think bad reviews
should just be forgotten.
Give him a brownie.
I would like to give you this.
It comes in peace.
You said you just couldn't
get interested in a novel
where the protagonist was a guy
who spent all of his time living
out his horny teenage fantasies.
I just find that ironic.
Ironic. Why?
Ask your husband.
What did he just say?
MAN :
Frances?
Frances?
I've got some
unfortunate news for you.
I just got off the phone
with your husband's attorney,
and they're going to
pursue alimony.
How can we be talking
about alimony
when I hardly make enough money?
But you supported him
during the marriage.
Yes.
But while he was researching
and writing his book,
I worked while
he pretended to be...
Unfortunately,
this is just about the math.
He was having an affair.
California's a no-fault state.
His attorney indicated
your husband
would prefer an alimony buy-out.
Since you two were living
rather modestly,
I don't think
the number should be too bad.
They're probably talking about
something like $ .
I don't have that money.
Unfortunately, you do.
The house?
lts value went through the roof
since you bought it.
And renovated it
with my mother's money.
Well, it's all
community property now.
So he gets
half the house and alimony.
There's leeway, and we'll make
all the arguments we can.
But there is a bargaining chip.
He wants the house.
-He wants to keep living there?
-Yeah.
And if you let him have it,
you could end up with
a lot of money in your pocket.
I understand he wants it
pretty badly.
I'm sorry.
This is so surreal.
How would he even find the money
to buy me out of my half?
Oh.
Oh.
Wow.
Apparently, she likes the place.
It's near the right schools.
Schools?
She's...
You're gonna get over this.
You will, Frances.
Someday,
you're gonna be happy again.
Right.
And the desk?
The desk goes.
No, the desk can stay.
-The couch?
-Yes, please.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Wait a minute.
No, the sofas can stay.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
How about the chairs?
They stay, too.
Actually, everything's going
to stay except those boxes.
Those boxes
with the books in them.
If you don't mind.
You're sure?
Yeah.
The bedroom?
Nope.
-Kitchen?
-No.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
So then we're done.
We're done.
You getting a divorce?
It shows?
These are furnished,
short-term apartments.
That's who we get.
Your neighbor in -B.
He's an attorney.
His divorce has been
dragging on for three years.
Nice guy.
Gives free legal advice
to the other tenants.
[ Man crying ]
If his crying gets on your
nerves, just bang on the wall.
-He'll stop.
-Sorry.
Guy above you is a doctor.
He hands out the sleeping pills.
-What do you do?
-I'm a writer.
So you can help the others
with their suicide notes.
Wow.
You're one of those
funny landlords.
Not really.
Well, here's your keys.
Have a good stay.
Thanks.
Home.
PATTI :
Ta-da!
You start a marriage
with cake and champagne.
Finish it that way, too.
The beginning and the end
should be fun, fun, fun.
Too bad about those years
in the middle.
-Sorry.
-Make a wish.
Things got crazy
at the hospital.
Hi. You made it
in time for the toast.
Bravo.
And it only took a year.
-To freedom.
-To freedom.
Thanks.
You're not drinking.
You're not drinking.
Fifth time was a charm.
Oh, my God !
Patti !
When are you due?
-May.
-May!
Oh, my God !
I'm going to be an auntie!
I'm going to be an auntie.
Yes.
It changes our plans a bit.
Well, of course.
We were about to take a -day
tour to romantic Tuscany.
But I don't want Patti flying.
Small sacrifice.
We decided to change
our coach tickets
into an upgraded ticket for you.
Oh.
This is amazing.
Really generous.
Thank you, but no.
How can you say no to Tuscany?
No.
Like that.
That's your depression speaking.
It doesn't speak Italian.
It speaks high-school French.
Besides,
I'm not depressed anymore.
Then what are you still doing
living with those losers?
-Those are my people.
-That's not a place you live.
Guys, come on.
Thank you so much.
But there is no way I can go
on a romantic tour of Tuscany.
-I'm not ready to meet anyone.
-You won't.
-We can assure you.
-Oh?
It's a gay tour
of romantic Tuscany.
So it would be
very relaxing for you.
You know, mostly couples.
No one would be there
to hit on you.
And you could concentrate and
listen to your own inner voice.
My inner voice?
My inner voice
that would be saying,
"What am I doing
on a gay tour of Tuscany?"
Frances, it's Italy!
Italy.
Plus, you could use it
as a time to start writing.
Well, I'm busy. I have to
review all those books.
Instead of working
on your own book.
Wow.
Are you being mean
or just hormonal?
[ Buzzer ]
Okay. Don't kill each other
until I get back.
Can we please just talk
about the baby?
I think you're in danger.
Of?
Of never recovering.
You know when you come across
one of those empty-shell people?
And you think,
"What the hell happened to you?"
Well, there came a time
in each one of those lives
where they were at a crossroads.
Crossroads.
God, that is so "Oprah."
Someplace where they had to
decide to turn left or right.
This is no time to be
a chickenshit, Frances.
I'm not being a chickenshit.
I'm not.
Okay, promise me
you'll think about it.
I'll think about it.
Okay.
MAN :
I got a feeling about you.
-Are you looking for a place?
-Yeah, I guess.
-You getting a divorce?
-What?
We got short-term apartments.
But don't worry.
Some stay for years.
We got a writer.
We got a doctor.
The doctor could help you
straighten out your life.
[ Man crying ]
Hey!
Sorry.
It's okay.
-Do you want to come over?
-No!
[ Crying ]
Maybe later.
Maybe later.
Oh !
Hello?
Patti, when do I leave?
Hi, I'm David.
This is your driver, Eduardo.
And you are "Gay & Away"!
And welcome to your first day
of a romantic tour of Tuscany.
Now, I saw most of you getting
to know each other on the plane.
But I wanted to make sure
you've all met Frances.
WOMAN :
Hey, Frances.
-Now, Frances is straight.
-Oh, poor girl.
And she just survived
a terrible divorce.
And according to her friend
Patti, she needs our support.
So, Frances, why don't you stand
up, and let everyone say hello?
No.
Come on.
Hi !
You're the bachelor, Frances.
Have some fun !
Okay, everyone,
follow the flower.
Good God, I cannot believe
it is raining.
Okay, everyone, we're here!
Yeah ! Okay!
Oops.
Sorry.
DAVID: You're empty.
You need a little more?
Whoo!
You want more wine?
-Little more vino?
-Excuse me.
-Can a black gal get a drink?
-Yes, she can.
Frances, little more?
Mm-hmm.
You've got to loosen up, honey.
We having a party!
Buongiorno.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Si.
-[ Speaking Italian ]
-What?
[ Speaking Italian ]
RODNE Y:
Pretty awesome, isn't it?
Yes, I think you could say that.
Pretty awesome.
God, how am I gonna get
through all of these?
I mean, how do you begin
to describe all of this?
If you have a pen,
I could write it for you.
Are you a good writer?
I used to be.
All right.
Well, have a go.
To my mom.
Dear Mom.
FRANCE S:
Dear Mom.
It's market day in Cortona.
The piazza is an ongoing party,
and everyone is invited.
Clichés converge
at this navel of the world.
You almost want to laugh,
but you can't help feeling
these Italians know more
about having fun than we do.
I eat a hot grape
from the market,
and the violet sweetness
breaks open in my mouth.
It even smells purple.
I wish I could stay longer, but
the bell reminds me of time.
"Ding-dang-dong, " the bell
says, instead of "ding-dong. "
-I wish you were here.
-Love...
Rodney.
Thanks.
"It even smells like purple"?
My mom will never believe
I wrote this.
Keep it.
"Ding-dang-dong goes the bell."
I'm sorry.
Bramasole.
"Bramasole."
[ Speaking Italian ]
It's a nice little villa.
Rather run-down, but redeemable.
Are you going to buy it?
No, no, no.
I'm just a tourist
here for the day.
So?
Well, who wouldn't want to buy
a villa in Tuscany?
But the way my life's been going
that would be a terrible idea.
A terrible idea.
Mm-hmm.
Don't you just love those?
Sorry, everybody.
Unscheduled stop.
Look at the sheep.
Oh, my gosh.
Stop the bus!
Stop the bus!
[ Knocking ]
Hello?
Hello?
Shit.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Can I help you, signora?
Yes, I thought
the house was for sale.
Oh, no.
The house is for sale.
But, unfortunately,
someone's already buying it.
We like it very much,
and we'll buy it today.
Very good.
One moment please.
Excuse me.
They want it.
They agree on the price.
So soon?
Then we asked too little.
Ask for million lire more,
at least.
[ Bell ringing ]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm afraid that there has
been a change in the price.
It is now million lire
more expensive.
WOMAN : Why? It didn't get
more valuable in five minutes.
The contessa feels
she has asked too little
since you agreed to buy it.
MAN :
That logic is absurd.
Excuse me?
What is the price?
Are you bidding against us?
Wait.
We accept the new price.
No, this is a beautiful house.
And whoever wants it
has to pay double.
The contessa says that
since there is so much
interest in the house,
the price is now double.
Since the last seconds?
Normale.
You greedy Americans.
You think you're so entitled.
You ruin everything.
A lot of us feel
really badly about that.
We're going.
We'll look in Provence.
Fascists!
And her?
How much will she pay?
We'll see.
Is it really double the price?
[ Speaking Italian ]
I can't pay double the price.
But please tell the contessa
that this is what I got for
my house recently in dollars.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Minus the work on the place.
Hammers, buckets.
Men.
Chocolate.
And a rental car
to drive off a cliff
when this all turns out
to have been a terrible mistake.
That's what I can pay.
Signora.
You've not even seen the house.
Oh.
Well.
Well, I...
I can't go back
to San Francisco.
CONTESSA:
No.
No.
I'm sorry, signora.
The contessa's family lived here
for generations,
so understandably it is
very difficult for her to sell.
Money is not the only issue.
She needs --
[ Speaking Italian ]
A sign.
I understand.
I believe in signs, too.
Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Oh !
-Oh.
-Oh.
Please.
[ Speaking Italian ]
What did she say?
In Italy, what happened to you
is a very good sign.
-It is?
-Yes.
And now...would you
like to see the house?
First, we open an account.
Then you transfer the money.
Here is the legal description.
"Two oxen, two days."
-I'm sorry.
-It's old-fashioned.
The land is measured by
how long it would take two oxen
to plow it.
Oh.
Oh, that makes sense.
Just like that?
Before the money's
been transferred?
It's a house, not a Vespa.
What are you going to do,
steal it?
Besides, Signor Martini
likes you.
Okay. We'll take care
of the rest later.
Normale.
Normale?
Normale.
Normale.
FRANCE S: I have bought a house
in a foreign country.
A house and the land it takes
two o xen two days to plow.
Not having a plow or an o x,
I'll have to take their word
on that.
Buyer's remorse is
a very common affliction
among new homeowners.
Just because you have
a sudden urge to weep,
that doesn't mean
you've made a mistake.
Everybody knows old houses
have their quirks.
Especially -year-old houses.
I have inherited
empty wine bottles, one grape,
every issue of "La Nazione"
printed in
and assorted previous tenants.
Ugh ! [ Screaming ]
[ Girl crying ]
The trick to overcoming buyer's
remorse is to have a plan.
Pick one room
and make it yours.
Go slowly through the house.
Be polite, introduce yourself,
so it can introduce itself
to you.
You did what?
Frances bought a house
in Tuscany!
And you're gonna
live there alone?
Well, I'm not there alone.
I'm there with bugs.
-How's the belly?
-It's growing.
I can't believe you did this.
Did you already sign?
Yes.
Why? What?
You think I shouldn't have?
Are you telling me
I made a mistake?
-I don't know. Did you?
-Well, I don't know.
You're the one who made
the "empty-shell person" speech.
Oh, yeah.
That was me.
Okay. Wow!
You bought a villa in Tuscany!
-So, what's the place like?
-It needs a little work.
-Well, who's gonna do it?
-I am.
You are?
I never realized
you were so handy.
I can do things.
Remember, I fixed that drain?
The drain in your kitchen?
No, that was me.
I handed you the rubber thingy.
The plunger?
That was Tom.
I can't believe it.
Why did you just say his name?
I'm sorry.
I forgot. I'm sorry.
I can make this work.
You know?
Of course I didn't mean I was
gonna do all the work myself.
I can hire the descendents
of Roman gods
to do the heavy lifting.
Then, just supervise,
tell them what to do.
So, have you met him yet?
-Who?
-The guy you're gonna meet.
Patti, please.
You know what?
It's starting to rain here
a little bit.
-So I think I have to go now.
-Wait, Fran.
I want you to kiss
the belly for me.
-Fran.
-Bye-bye.
[ Click, dial tone ]
Can you Star- Italy?
No.
I'm gonna try.
Hello?
[ Thunder crashes ]
Okay.
One
- -- Aah !
-[ Thunder crashes ]
Jesus!
[ Humming Tchaikovsky's
" Overture" ]
Okay.
[ Hinges squeaking,
wind whistling ]
Stop it.
-Stop it.
-[ Screeching ]
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
You're gonna be okay.
You're safe here.
Just don't fly around, okay?
You'll freak me out.
[ Cries ]
Oh, God.
Signora?
[ Knock on door ]
Signora Mayes?
Buongiorno.
I see you have survived
the storm.
I'm alive.
But the washing machine is dead.
Yes.
It was electrocuted.
I'm happy to see
that you were not.
You came to check on me?
You're meeting the contractors
today, and I came to help you.
I believe one of them is here.
Here?
Downstairs.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
He's here.
I was hoping to take
this wall down
and return these two small rooms
into one big room.
Oh, wonderful.
You should have been
an architect.
You have excellent taste.
So, do you think it can be done?
Hidden pipes, a week.
The bathrooms, days.
Signora, give me
the keys of this place,
and in one month, I will give
you the keys to your palace.
Just...
Just leave it to me.
[ Sighs, speaking Italian ]
Boom ! Boom ! Boom !
Oh.
Oh !
[ Speaks Italian ]
[ Thud ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
He says he fixed it himself
many years ago.
Really?
Oh. You want to see
the rest of the house?
Okay.
Yes, yes.
[ Speaking Italian ]
He suggest that
he rebuild the wall.
[ Speaking Italian ]
It is important for the
structure of the garden.
-[ Speaking Italian ]
-He has a team of experts.
[ Whistles ]
Buongiorno.
Hello, miss.
We are not Italian.
We are from Polonia.
Poland. Oh.
Do you all speak English?
Only me.
And only a little.
I am Pawel.
Oh, Pawel.
Nice to meet you.
Buongiorno.
Jerzy.
Jerzy.
Hello.
Zbignew.
Zbignew.
Frances.
What do you think of Nino?
I know his mother.
If he does a bad job, he's...
Well, then.
Okay. Yes.
Okay. Yes.
Yes, yes.
Okay. Yes.
[ Grunting ]
See, Frances?
No problem.
Nino!
Oh, God !
[ Shouts in Italian ]
Run ! Oh !
Aah !
[ Wall crumbling ]
[ Silence ]
[ Wall crumbling ]
Okay. Yes.
[ Speaks Polish ]
Kurwa mac!
"Kurwa mac"
means "holy shit" in Polish.
I learned that that day.
The fact I'm trying to speak
Polish in Italy
is just one of the many
surprises around here.
Is he a licensed electrician?
No. He's a licensed
literature professor.
Oh.
Czeslaw Milosz.
I like him.
Czeslaw Milosz.
It is only natural getting to
know people should take time.
Every day I watch for
the old man with the flowers.
And I wonder, was he born here?
Did he love someone here?
Did he lose someone here?
He doesn't seem as curious
about me, but that's all right.
These days, I'm something
of a Ioner myself.
I'm pretty good
at staying entertained.
Mostly, I like to hang out
at a bar I know
conveniently located
in my backyard.
Fortunately, there are things
here you can't do alone.
It's my neighbor Placido who's
teaching me about olives.
Today is okay.
But never pick
when it's wet, huh?
Okay.
These look good.
Oh, my God.
-Papà!
-Si?
-I'm finished.
-Good. Gather up the net.
Okay.
-Chiara!
-Si?
Go and see
if Gianni needs some help.
Okay.
Go, go.
Ciao.
Oops!
Everything okay?
Si.
Grazie.
Francesca?
Are you busy tonight?
No.
Then come to dinner.
It's unhealthy to eat alone.
[ Crying ]
Stop it, Mom.
It's embarrassing.
-Is she okay?
-Of course. She's fine.
Mama, that's enough.
My granny's very sensitive.
She cries all day.
Are we celebrating
something in particular?
Gratitude to the saints
for saving us
from droughts, mad dogs,
and glandular disorders.
Good evening, everybody.
Sorry I'm late.
Katherine!
Hand me your hat.
Do you like it?
I suppose it wasn't a terrible
idea, buying a villa.
Are you up there all alone?
No lord and master, no consort?
No.
Do you have one?
One? Ha!
[ Grandmother speaks Italian ]
I knew this would happen.
Remember?
Don't blame me.
I told him not to get her
that computer.
She got an e-mail lover,
you see, from Ecuador.
Finally, she had to
tell him her age.
No mail !
You had it coming.
You're wrong.
I hurt in my heart.
Even though I'm old,
my heart still aches.
I'm so sorry.
-L'amore.
-Si.
[ Speaks Italian ]
Si.
-[ Speaks Italian ]
-Hmm?
[ Speaks Italian ]
Celibe?
Celibe.
Celibate?
-Celibate!
-Si.
No. I mean...
Well, actually, I have to admit
it has been a while.
"Celibe" in Italian
means "single."
He's not asking
when you last had sex.
He's asking whether or not
you're married.
Thank you.
No, I'm not.
-Everything all right, darling?
-Oh, terrific. I'm just eating.
He is.
Oh, my God.
-I feel like such an idiot.
-Don't.
Flirting's a ritual in Italy.
Just enjoy it.
Taste this.
It's gorgeous.
Mmm !
-How do you do it?
-Do what?
This.
Well, hats make me happy.
And ice cream.
Ice cream changed my fate.
It was because of ice cream
that my beloved Fefe
discovered me.
Fefe?
II Maestro.
Who?
Federico, darling.
Fellini?
He discovered me in the
Piazza Novena with my parents
eating an ice cream.
I was gobbling it down,
letting it run all over my chin
because I was hungry.
"Do you like ice cream?"
he asked me.
I didn't know who he was.
I was .
"You are my imagination
come to life," he told me.
He wasn't just a great director.
He gave great advice.
I'm listening.
Fefe said you have to live
spherically in many directions.
Never lose
your childish enthusiasm,
and things will come your way.
So now I was getting posthumous
advice from II Maestro,
and I tried to follow it
by pulling ivy,
spherically
and with childish enthusiasm.
Oh, my God.
Niente qui.
Niente.
Not here.
Did you look under the bed?
Could you look under the pillow?
Huh !
No.
It's a joke.
Maybe he moved out already.
Snakes are famous
for changing their minds.
What am I doing here
all by myself?
Don't you think it's strange?
Me in this big house?
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
You are cold, Signora Mayes.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Do you know the most surprising
thing about divorce?
It doesn't actually kill you,
like a bullet to the heart
or a head-on car wreck.
It should.
When someone you've promised to
cherish till death do you part
says, "I never loved you,"
it should kill you instantly.
You shouldn't have to wake up
day after day after that,
trying to understand how
in the world you didn't know.
The light just never went on,
you know.
I must have have known,
of course,
but I was too scared
to see the truth.
Then fear just makes you
so stupid.
No. It's not stupid,
Signora Mayes.
L'amore è cieco.
Oh, love is blind.
Yeah, we have that saying, too.
Everybody has that saying
because it's true everywhere.
I don't want to be blind
anymore.
This house has three bedrooms.
What if there's never anyone
to sleep in them?
And the kitchen, what if there's
never anyone to cook for?
I wake up in the night
thinking, "You idiot.
I mean, you're the stupidest
woman in the world.
You bought a house for a life
you don't even have."
Why did you do it, then?
Because I'm sick of being afraid
all the time
and because I still want things.
I want a wedding in this house,
and I want a family
in this house.
Signora,
between Austria and Italy,
there is a section of the Alps
called the Semmering.
It is an impossibly steep,
very high part of the mountains.
They built a train track
over these Alps
to connect Vienna and Venice.
They built these tracks before
there was a train in existence
that could make the trip.
They built it because they knew
someday the train would come.
I think your snake has gone
for the evening.
Yes.
I think you're right.
Signora.
Please stop being so sad.
If you continue like this,
I will be forced
to make love to you.
And I've never been unfaithful
to my wife.
Buonanotte, signora.
Yes.
Buonanotte, Signor Martini.
Grazie.
Prego.
A train track through the Alps
before there was a train.
Signor Martini wants me
to have faith.
Something I've never been good
at, and now I'm even worse at.
Not that I don't want faith.
I'm jealous of the believers.
But as a fallen-away Methodist,
I do not expect to emerge
from all of this a Catholic,
although I admit some
interior juggling is going on.
To my surprise, I have become
friendly with Mary.
It started the night she stood
by me through the storm,
knowing full well
I'm not a Catholic.
Yet, somehow, she seems more
like Mary, my favorite aunt,
than Santa Maria.
Aunt Mary is everywhere here,
her calm presence assuring us
that all things will go on
as they have before.
[ Singing "Adeste Fidelis" ]
Buon Natale.
Buon Natale.
This is my wife, Flora.
Oh !
And my daughter, Stella.
Stella, buon Natale.
Bellissima.
What a beautiful family.
Wow.
I thought I might see you,
so I have a gift for you.
It is San Lorenzo.
He is the patron saint of cooks.
Apparently, he was martyred on a
grill and seared until he said,
"Turn me over.
I'm done on this side."
No!
Yes. And now he is
the favorite saint of chefs.
Oh !
I think if you prayed to him,
he will help you find
someone to cook for.
Thank you, Signor Martini.
[ Laughs ]
Merry Christmas, Signora.
Buon Natale.
[ Speaking Italian ]
My prayers to San Lorenzo
were quickly answered.
I realized I already
had someone to cook for.
Plenty of someones.
-Bravo!
-Ahh !
-Bravo!
-Bravo!
Bravo!
Aah !
Aah !
[ Speaking Italian ]
-Good.
-See, Frances? Italian is easy.
[ Speaking Italian ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
No!
Aah ! Aah ! Aah !
Have you talked to her yet?
Si.
I have talked to her.
Why don't you go
sit next to her? Go on.
Okay.
Katherine!
Francesca!
Come up!
I'm having my portrait painted.
Katherine?
Come through.
I'm in here.
Oh.
-I'll come back another time.
-Why? You don't bother me.
Frances, this is Zeus.
He's an art student
from Macedonia.
He's staying with me while
he's studying the Tuscan light.
More vino, darling.
Hmm.
He's not bad.
He's not good, either.
Look, I'm going to go,
but I'll come back another time.
Oh, you're so boring !
What?
I said you're boring.
Look at you !
You're sad.
Again !
You're like a big black hole.
Excuse me, but I...
Fefe always said,
"Regrets are a waste of time.
They're the past crippling you
in the present."
I just walked in the door.
How are you ever going to be
happy if you keep wallowing?
Listen,
when I was a little girl,
I used to spend hours
looking for ladybugs.
Finally, I'd just give up
and fall asleep in the grass.
When I woke up,
they were crawling all over me.
So?
So go work on your house
and forget about it.
I said go!
I'm going !
Work on the house
and forget about it.
Gee, why hadn't
I thought of that?
There comes a time
in every remodeler's life
when one doesn't want
any more helpful advice.
There comes a time when you
no longer want shaky guys
staring at you thinking
God knows what,
whispering things in Polish
you're really glad
you don't understand.
[ Speaking Polish ]
There's only so much you can
take before there comes a time
when you just have to get out.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Signorina.
Bella!
Great.
Hilarious.
Goodbye!
[ Whistling ]
You are American?
English? Irish?
There you are.
I've been looking for you.
You said you were gonna meet me.
I've been looking for you
for minutes.
-Who are you?
-I'm sorry.
Mi scusi.
Thank you.
Wait. You just kissed me
and you're going?
Yes.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
[ Whistling ]
You are too late.
I'm sorry?
I've already found
somebody else.
My loss.
I was wondering
if you'd help me.
I'm trying to find
an antique store
that sells replacement parts
for a chandelier.
Chandelier.
- Vetre-ria.
- Vetreria.
- Vetreria, yes.
-Okay.
Via di La Casanova.
Ah, Via di La Casanova.
-Si.
-You know it?
No.
Oh.
But I know where there is
another store.
-My cousin owns one.
-Your cousin owns a vetreria?
Yes. Antiques.
Is it far?
About three hours.
Two if I drive fast.
Two hours?
Okay. One if I drive really,
really, really fast.
That's very nice, but thank you.
No.
I know you think maybe I'm
just trying to pull you up.
Pull me up?
Pick me up.
Pick me up.
Yes.
There is that chance.
But you are the one who grabbed
me and pretend I'm your husband.
You're probably one of those
crazy American women
like "Charlie's Angels,"
and you are going to kung-fu me
and steal my car.
But I'm willing to take
the chance.
You're willing?
What is your name?
Marcello.
Of course it is.
[ Horn honks,
man shouting in Italian ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
Do traffic lights mean anything?
Sure.
Green light.
Avanti, avanti.
-Avanti.
-Yellow light. Decoration.
And what about red lights?
Just a suggestion.
Marcello. You're crazy.
Thanks a lot.
He doesn't have it.
Why am I not surprised?
-Uncle, I want an ice cream.
-You want an ice cream?
-How many have you had today?
-Two.
Only two? Then get another one.
Give me a kiss first.
Maria, get her an ice cream.
Nice and big.
This is your bar?
We are a family.
I work here.
And I sleep there.
Above my cousin's antique store.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Did you ever taste this?
-What is that?
-It's limoncello.
We made this.
-You made it?
-Yeah.
We take the lemon, and we take
off the skin of the lemon,
and then we put in the bottle
with / of alcohol
and / of sugar.
Mm-hmm.
And you put the skin
of the lemon in the bottle,
and you leave it
until it's dried color.
And I forget the rest.
But just try it.
-Do you like it?
-I like it.
You got your ice cream.
Bravo.
My nephew.
Yes.
[ Squeaking ]
Hello.
Well, hello.
Hello.
Oh !
Ciao.
Ciao.
[ Purring ]
Veramente? No.
What?
He says,
"Take me home with you."
He does, does he?
Esattamente.
Ciao, piccolo, Ciao.
Ciao.
[ Meowing ]
I run into you in the street
in Rome, and now we're here.
Didn't you have plans today?
Didn't you have something
you had to do?
So what?
If you smash
into something good,
you should hold on
until it's time to let go.
And now is not the time.
Not in my opinion.
No.
You have beautiful eyes,
Francesca.
I wish I could swim inside them.
What?
No. It's just that's
exactly what American women
think Italian men say.
I guess.
Thank you.
Marcello, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm really nervous, you know.
I was married for a long time.
And since then,
there hasn't been anybody.
Would you like to help me
change that?
You are asking me
to sleep with you?
Yes.
Hmm.
That is exactly
the kind of thing
we Italian men think
American women say.
Oh !
Yeah.
You honor me with your offer.
Francesca.
Yes?
I'm going to make love
all over you.
Okay.
Okay.
Ohh !
Yeah.
[ Marcello singing in Italian ]
Mamma mia!
Che bella spalla.
-What is spalla?
-Shoulder.
And what do you call this?
La gola.
La gola.
Mm-hmm.
And this?
II capezzolo.
Il capezzolo.
Uh-huh.
And this?
Esausto.
Exhausted?
Exhausted.
At least for the next minutes.
Okay.
Okay.
Me too.
It's terrible that you bought
that villa in Cortona.
Why?
Because it's not in Positano,
and I am.
You have to promise
to come back here.
Promise me.
When?
Can you come this weekend?
I think so.
You think so?
Hmm.
You think so?
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Thank you.
Thank you.
I knew it, I knew it,
I knew it
Whoo!
I still got it.
I still got it.
I still got it!
Thank God !
Oh, yeah.
Buongiorno.
Buongiorno!
Do I still look sad to you?
No.
Ladybugs, Katherine.
Lots and lots of ladybugs.
Lovely.
When do you see him again?
Tomorrow.
What?
What?
Oh !
Ha!
I would have told you
I was coming,
but you would have
talked me out of flying.
Oh, look at you !
God damn it, Frances.
-I...
-What?
I gotta go pee!
You must be so exhausted.
Oh !
Pbht! See this?
Tell me there's a baby in there.
Mm-hmm.
Big old baby in there.
Right now.
I'm with you.
Oh, jeez.
So, what's it like
having one of these in Cortona?
I hear the town midwife's good.
She puts a knife under the bed
to cut the pain.
Florence is an hour away.
You're gonna deliver this baby
in a hospital gown
designed by Armani.
She ran out on me.
She said she realized she didn't
want to be a mother after all.
[ Crying ]
Oh, disaster, Frances.
How do you do it?
How do you ever breathe again?
Pretty soon.
God, I missed you.
FRANCES : Marcello, I really
think I'd better stay here.
Oh, I'm sorry.
How about next weekend?
Okay, well how about
the one after that?
No, of course, I understand.
I won't forget you.
I think a lot about you, too.
Okay.
Well, until then.
Bye.
There's something strange
about these trees.
It's like they know.
And they know
that we know that they know.
They're creepy.
Creepy Italian trees.
The baby's gonna like them
'cause it's gonna be
a creepy Italian baby
who goes around saying,
"Ciao, Mamma, "
and doing that backward
hand-wave thing.
Life is strange.
Where were you going
when I arrived?
Nowhere important.
What's he like?
He's a creepy Italian.
-So go see him.
-I will.
I want to spend time
with my creepy American friend.
I refuse to screw up
your love life.
Don't be ridiculous, Patti.
You are my love life.
[ Water dripping ]
PATTI : Frances,
could you come up here, please?
There's hot water
in the toilet bowl.
Oh, my God.
-That's close to boiling.
-Mm-hmm.
They must have crossed
a pipe somewhere.
Oh, this is really bad,
isn't it?
Well, it's not good, unless you
want to give your ass a facial.
That's a contradiction in terms.
I guess it'd be more
of an ass-cial.
[ Woman giggling in distance ]
-[ Chuckles ]
-[ Gasps ]
Oh, God. Go.
Go, go, go.
PAWEL:
I'm sorry, Frances!
He's sorry.
We have nowhere else
to be together.
What does that make me?
Saint Francesca,
patron saint of horny teenagers?
Pawel, you were doing it
in my bed.
I don't even do it in my bed.
Please, Francesca, help us.
My father don't let us see
each other.
Maybe he thinks you're young
and shouldn't be...
It's because I'm Polish.
It will be terrible
if we are not together.
[ Speaking Italian ]
"Assassinate."
Did you say "assassinate"?
Did she say you were going
to assassinate somebody?
No, she misunderstand.
I didn't say...
Amore, I didn't say,
"assassino. "
I said, "I'm going to ask Nino"
for money to help us
get married.
-Oh !
-"Ask Nino." Oh !
I didn't understand.
Married?
You barely understand
what the other is saying.
We are in love.
And I go with him this weekend.
To the flag-throwing festival.
I am going to throw the flag.
Throw the flag.
Why?
Because I can do it
as good as any Italian man.
That's why.
And her father will see.
PLACIDO:
Francesca?
-Francesca?
-My father.
-Francesca.
-Placido, hi.
My daughter says
you are taking her
to the festa in Montepulciano.
This is true?
Just a moment, please.
I told him you're taking me
so he will stay home.
I don't want to lie
to your father.
Come on, Frances.
Who cares?
PAWEL:
Frances?
If I am not with her,
I will die of a broken heart.
You won't die.
[ Cheering ]
Isn't he great?
Oh, there he is!
These are straight men.
In tights twirling flags.
-Fantastic!
-Yeah.
Oh, this is it!
He is fantastic!
Fantastico!
Whoo!
-Yay! Bravo!
-Bravo!
CHIARA:
Pawel, I love you !
[ Crowd gasps ]
Oh !
[ Gasps ]
Pawel !
Mi scusi. Pawel !
-Oh, oh.
-Easy.
Easy. Easy.
Mi scusi.
I throw the flag.
Si, amore.
They're fine.
Let's go.
What is it about love
that makes us so stupid?
Take the man with the flowers.
Same deal every day.
I mean, enough already.
Why can he just let it go
and get over it?
Francesca, you see my daughter?
She seems so different.
-Really?
-Oh, Chiara is not herself.
Oh.
Maybe do you know
what's bothering her?
Placido, I don't know.
Oh.
Hey, Frances, look.
You can see Bramasole from here.
See?
Thank you.
It's Marcello!
Oh, my God !
-Wait a minute.
-What?
What's he doing?
Don't go!
Where are you going?
Patti !
Marcello!
Marcello!
Marcello! Ah !
Marcello!
Aaah !
Wait!
Marcello!
We tried you on your cell,
but you were in a dead zone.
I cannot believe
you let him leave.
-He said he couldn't wait.
-Couldn't wait?
-Why?
-He was on his way to Arezzo.
He was nearby
and thought he'd take a shot.
He was very disappointed, okay?
You've got a snail in your ear.
Good.
Really?
No!
Get it out!
He left you a note.
Hold still.
He's going north
for a couple of weeks.
Oh, my God.
He had a dream
about me in a white dress.
A white dress?
Holy shit!
Damn it, Patti,
why didn't you make him wait?
I mean, come on,
You're a tough dyke.
You could have tied him
to a chair!
You could have
faked labor at least!
I wouldn't have had to fake it.
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]
Ten fingers.
Ten toes.
[ Inhales, exhales deeply ]
I commend you
on a classic choice.
What's her name, Mom?
Alexandra.
Alexandra.
In Italian, the literal
translation of "to give birth, "
"dare alla luce, "
is to give to the light.
Alexandra.
Welcome to the light.
All right.
Hi !
Yes! Yes!
Hello, sweetheart.
Alexandra.
-Alexandra.
-[ Toys squeaking ]
Okay, I can...
Hey, baby.
Oh, you're so cute.
You're so cute.
Oh !
Frances.
We are finished.
Poland.
Dziekuje.
Dziekuje.
Come back soon.
I'll cook for you.
Pawel, you too?
Chiara is waiting !
Patti, you want to
come with me to town?
We could bring the baby.
[ Knock on door ]
I have to buy a white dress.
Excuse me.
-Could you give me a lift?
-With pleasure.
Grazie.
[ Speaking Italian ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
Grazie.
I could wait and take you back.
Thanks, but I've got
my boyfriend.
Marcello!
Marcello!
Francesca.
Wait there, I'm coming down.
Francesca.
Look how beautiful you are.
It's incredible to see you.
Every time we made plans,
it didn't happen.
So this time, I thought
I'll surprise you.
I am surprised.
What brings you to Positano?
What brings me to Positano?
What brings me to Positano?
WOMAN :
Marcello.
We're going to be late.
One moment, darling.
I'll be right there.
Wow.
I came at a bad time.
Francesca, wait.
Wait. Wait!
I'm sorry you're hurt.
But what did you expect?
What did I expect?
You came to Bramasole.
You left that note.
I thought that you...
Wait.
Just a minute.
Months ago,
we had a beautiful affair.
And if you think I wanted more
of you after that, you're right.
Because I did, of course.
You're a fantastic woman,
Francesca.
But we were never able
to come together again,
even though we tried.
And this sort of thing
must come naturally.
I told you.
There was my friend.
She was going to have a baby.
There were many,
many other things.
Important things you had to do.
And you couldn't wait.
Right?
Don't worry, Francesca.
Don't worry.
There is nothing to regret.
Do you regret this?
I don't...
There is someone for you,
Francesca.
Goodbye.
Francesca!
She's in the fountain !
-Who is in the fountain?
-The crazy blonde!
What's going on here?
She is Sylvia
in "La Dolce Vita."
She's very good, actually.
Is she drunk?
I hope so.
You know, in "La Dolce Vita,"
he goes in and he gets her.
Mastroianni. He goes in,
and he fishes her out.
Katherine.
Thank you.
Do you think I make
a good Sylvia?
You were wonderful.
Oh.
Here.
I see Zeus is gone.
Back to Mount Olympus.
I'm so sorry.
Don't be.
I'm fine now.
There's nothing like a fountain
and a magnum of French champagne
to put you right again.
Really?
What do you think?
Oh.
You know who I really love
the most from all the films?
Cabiria.
You remember at the end
when another man has left her
in the most terrible way,
and she thinks
it's all over for her?
Then she sees some children
playing in the street,
making music.
And before she knows it...
she's smiling again.
That's what Fefe always said.
No matter what happens...
always keep
your childish innocence.
It's the most important thing.
You're back?
What happened?
How'd it go with Marcello?
I don't want to talk about it.
Chiara's here.
She's upset.
She's out in the garden
talking with Pawel.
I can't talk about it now.
Oh. Fran.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid ! Stupid !
Stupid !
Stupid !
Aah !
What more can I do?
[ Chiara crying in distance ]
It's okay.
It's not your fault.
Babbo.
I want to ask your permission
to marry your daughter.
[ Speaking Italian ]
It's nice,
but it's out of the question.
I have come here
to ask your permission
to marry your daughter.
I will love her forever, and I
know that I will make her happy.
All young men say this.
Sometimes it's true.
Never.
Never?
What about you two?
Don't be ridiculous.
I hate him half of the time.
Placido, don't you want
Chiara to be happy in love?
Happy.
Happy is about a lot of things.
It's not just
about young passion.
This doesn't last, Chiara,
and when it's over,
what you will have left
is nothing.
He has nothing to offer you.
I have everything to offer her.
Everything.
Pawel, let's go.
Chiara!
Wait. Wait.
Won't you give your blessing?
What if this is it?
The real thing.
A love that lasts forever.
What you describe
is all in fairy tales.
No, it's not.
And how do you know?
From personal experience?
No, I looked for it,
and I didn't find it.
But that doesn't mean
it doesn't exist.
That's exactly what it means.
No one has had it.
I did !
I had a great love.
Mamma!
Your father...
a great love.
And I'll never forget it.
Mamma! Mamma!
He's a poor Polish laborer.
He is nobody.
He has no family!
That's not true.
He has me.
I'm his family.
I'm his family.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Chiara.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Pawel.
[ Speaking Italian ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
Amen.
-[ Speaking Italian ]
-CHIARA: Amen.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Amen.
[ Speaking Italian ]
CHIARA:
Amen.
Okay, yes.
Okay.
[ Speaking Italian ]
Mamma!
[ Guests chanting ]
[ Cheering ]
What are you thinking?
What do I think?
Tell me.
I think you got your wish.
My wish?
That day we looked
for your snake
you said to me that you wanted
there to be a wedding here.
Yeah.
And you said you wanted there
to be a family here.
You're right.
I got my wish.
I got everything
that I asked for.
Mi scusi.
[ Speaking faltering Italian ]
You are looking for the American
writer who lives here,
and you found her.
If you don't mind, I'll just...
There.
It was crawling on you.
A ladybug.
Huh.
Do I know you?
Not really.
You reviewed
one of my books once.
Did I like it?
Not very much.
-Oh, no.
-Don't worry.
It was, by far, the very best
bad review I've ever received.
You're kidding.
I'm not.
It helped me get to
my next book.
Anyway, I've been traveling
around Tuscany.
Someone said that
you lived up here.
I'm Ed.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
I'm Frances.
Hi.
Hi.
There's a wedding going on.
This isn't your wedding.
That would be unfortunate.
They say they built
the train tracks over the Alps
before there was a train
that could make the trip.
They built it anyway.
They knew one day
the train would come.
Any arbitrary turning
along the way,
and I would be elsewhere.
I would be different.
What are four walls, anyway?
They are what they contain.
The house protects the dreamer.
Unthinkably good things can
happen, even late in the game.
It's such a surprise.
Special help by SergeiK