Voila! Finally, the Wedding Crashers
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Vince Vaughn, Owen
Wilson and Rachel McAdams movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Wedding Crashers. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- I don't have custody of the kids.
- Yeah.
- You know what?
- I don't get custody.
It is an insane pathetic joke,
what I've had to go through.
Right now, right now she doesn't know
where the kids are, do you?
- Do not talk about me as a mother.
- Are they at home?
I'm so sick to death of you talking about
me as a mother
- and what I've done wrong!
- They at your sister's? Where...
they're probably at a firehouse
somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off
- with a fireman, you know?
- Do not talk about that!
I am sick of you accusing me
of not being a good mother!
- Are they at home? Are they at home?
- Seven years I've been a good mother!
A perfect mother?
I can't have custody.
Just remember when we went out.
Just remember how you...
Right now. Where is Tim
right fucking now?
Don't you talk about me
being a mother. I hate you!
Hey, I got an idea.
Why don't you just kiss my left nut?
- I told you this was a bad idea.
- You know what, Ken?
A bad idea would be to let your client
walk outta here today and drag
this thing out for another year, wasting
more time and wasting more money.
The only good idea is to let
me and John do our job
- and mediate this thing right here.
- You wanna hear the crazy thing?
I know it doesn't feel like it,
but we're making progress.
- Mm-hmm.
- We settled the deal with the cars.
Let's see, that takes us
to frequent flyer miles. We're flying!
- Those are mine.
- I want them.
You know what we're gonna do? We're
gonna split 'em right down the middle.
- How'd that be, Mr. Kroeger?
- It would be no-not good at all!
- I earned those miles!
- Yeah, you earned them flying
- to Denver to meet your whore.
- Oh, Lord.
Well, she's not afraid
to express herself sexually
- if that's what you mean.
- She's a stripper, for God's sake!
- She is not!
- Her name is Chastity!
She is white trash!
Same as you.
Hillbilly!
That's it,
go comatose for me, baby.
You shut your mouth when
you're talkin' to me!
Hold it. This is getting confusing.
You didn't always hate each other.
There had to be some nice moments,
during the courtship, maybe?
- Or the wedding?
- The wedding had to be fun!
- You have your families together.
- You have your decorations.
Families coming together.
That's a nice moment.
- What'd you have to eat?
- Crab cakes.
Are you kidding me? Crab c...
how could you not have a good time
- eating crab cakes? I love 'em.
- Crab cakes, I love crab cakes.
- They're phenomenal.
- And did you have a band?
- Did you have a band? Good or bad?
- Yeah.
Who gives a shit? It's a great band,
it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby.
- It's good no matter what.
- That's true. You got them...
- There's music in the air!
...playing "Shout" and you hate it.
- Yeah. Oh-oh-oh-oh-hey
- A little bit softer now
- Oh-oh-oh-oh, hey
- Shout now, jump up and shout now.
It's a good time,
do you know what I mean?
- Yeah.
- Rubbin' up against each other,
just a couple of kids who like to fuck,
trying to make it honest. I get it.
Guys, the real enemy here is
the institution of marriage.
It's not realistic, it's crazy!
Hey, don't do this
for the other person.
It's about saying yes to yourself
- and saying yes to your future.
- Say yes.
And have some opportunities for
yourself. I'm sure you'd love
to be free, maybe go out and meet
some Latin guy that can dance,
grind up on you, make you
feel dangerous but also safe.
And how about you? Don't you want
to get inside Chastity
without having to wonder
if everyone's gonna find out?
- God, wouldn't that be sweet?
- Wouldn't that be nice?
And have some Latin guy
sweating all over you,
talking to you in languages
you don't understand,
- needing you, wanting you, taking you?
- All we're trying to say is,
put your swords away
for a second.
Let's finish this
and let's move on.
Get out there and get
some strange ass.
Could you give her a glass
of water so she can take that?
Hey, John, that's weird.
That glass looks half full to me.
Wow, now that you mention it,
it is half full.
He can have the miles.
Nah, sweetie,
you take the miles.
Great. Great! Let's sign
the paperwork and we are done!
This is just semantics. If you guys
want to throw a couple miles at us,
we'll take a couple. The big this is,
is that we're all movin' on.
Could you two just not talk anymore?
Oh, good, you got it.
Is it % goose down?
- Yes. Why do you need this?
- Are you sure?
I sleep over at John's house
every year for his birthday.
Okay, that's not creepy.
I guess it is a little creepy
when a young man who happens
to be an only child
loses both of his parents
in a tragic accident
one month before his birthday
and then has
a best friend make a vow
that he will never spend
his birthday alone again.
Maybe that would fall under
the category of creepy.
Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
- That's okay.
- No, you're really sweet.
I've got the perfect girl for you.
Janice, I apologize to you
if I don't seem real eager
to jump into a forced,
awkward intimate situation
that people like to call dating.
I don't like the feeling.
You're sitting there, you're wondering,
"Do I have food on my face?
Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are
they talking enough? Am I interested?
I'm not really interested.
Should I play like I'm interested?
But I'm not that interested,
but I think she might be interested.
But do I want to be interested?
But now she's not interested."
So now, all of sudden I'm...
I'm starting to get interested.
And when am I supposed to kiss her?
Do I have to wait for the door?
'Cause then it's awkward,
it's like "Well, good night."
Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where
you like... you hug each other like this,
and the ass sticks out because
you're trying not to get too close.
Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em
on the lips or don't kiss 'em at all?
It's very difficult trying to read
the situation and all the while
you're just really wondering, "Are we
gonna get hopped enough to make
some bad decisions?" And perhaps play
a little game called "Just the Tip."
Just for a second,
just to see how it feels,
- or "Ouch Ouch, You're on My Hair."
- Okay.
Okay, can... can you... can you
put that so he... he can't see it?
And thank you.
Hey, Janice. Great talk.
John?
I gotta see you right away,
it's important.
What's going on?
We've got three really
big weeks ahead of us.
It's wedding season, kid!
You sandbagging
son of a bitch!
I got us down
for of them already.
Okay, now, how many
of 'em are cash bars?
Great question, love where your head's
at, and two of 'em actually are.
But... I got us covered.
Purple hearts. We won't have
to pay for a drink all night.
Oh yeah, perfect.
We are gonna have tons and tons
of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies
that are so aroused
by the thought of marriage,
that they'll throw their
inhibitions to the wind.
And who's gonna be there
to catch 'em?
Grab that net and catch that
beautiful butterfly, pal!
What do you like better?
Christmas or wedding season?
- Mr. Grey.
- Yes, um, the answer would be, um...
- wedding season?
- Bingo.
I'm gonna go get my suit.
Oh, now who are we this time?
Hey, Lou Epstein, I want you to meet
a real mensch, Chuck Schwartz.
Oh, stop.
And as we carry on the tradition
of thousands of years,
we honor the eternal bond
that stretches
through the ages.
I have known this couple
for many years.
Deborah I've actually known
for her entire life.
I was at her house when her parents
brought her home from the hospital,
and I was there the day she graduated
from medical school.
Josh I have known
since his bar mitzvah,
which those of you
who were there
know it was not
a very pretty sight.
But he has pulled himself
together nicely,
and he's grown into a remarkable
young man himself.
- Okay.
- He never got the courage
to ask her out, until years later.
Josh was in the emergency room,
and he saw Debra again
- and he said to himself...
- Hi.
"Wait! That's the girl
I'm going to marry!"
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
Mazel tov!
Mazel tov, baby! From my family
to yours, mazel tov. Beautiful.
Hava nagila
Hava nagila
Hava nagila,
ba ba ba!
Oh my.
You sly son of a bitch.
Nagila, hava nagila
ve'nismecha
Hava nagila, hava...
Does anyone know what
this here is used for?
- Rolling a fatty.
- No, not...
not for...
where'd you learn that?
You want to get
a whole combination.
You gotta get the frostings
in the middle and on the other end.
- Ba-ba ba ba
- That's it, that's it, that's it,
that's it! Come on!
You both look beautiful
up there today,
particularly Debbie in that white
dress. Enjoy it. After tomorrow,
I don't think you're gonna be able to get
away with wearing a white dress.
Here, I'll just pick this off,
I'll go grab
another piece. That's it.
- Ooh!
- Whoa.
In the words of the old country...
- L'chaim!
- L'chaim!
Come here!
I want you to take this note,
bring it to that blonde girl.
Hurry, 'cause I'm
gonna time you. Go!
Hi.
Who gave this to you?
You know, I saw you
at the wedding.
- And?
- You were crying.
Oh, shit. You weren't
supposed to see that.
Now you probably think
I'm a big pussy.
No, you were so sweet.
Come here.
Look, I knew I was never gonna be
a professional bullfighter,
- but that's not why I did it.
- Weren't you scared?
Can I say yes?
- Sanjay Collins.
- Chuck Vindaloo,
excited to be here.
- Shamus O'Toole.
- Bobby O'Shea.
- And we're gonna get drunk.
- Ha-ha!
Keep it comin', love,
keep it comin', love...
- Who is that?
- Uh, him.
Uh, I think that's his kid Leonard.
The diabetic.
- Who is that?
- That's Luigi and Gina's
son Christopher.
You know, the banker.
Oh, that's Mae Lin's adopted son Benny,
the veterinarian.
The French Foreign Legion?
Yeah. We lost a lot
of good men out there.
Wow, really? Mount Everest?
I just don't like to talk about it
because we lost
so many good men out there.
Oh!
Lost so many
good men out there.
Playing with the Yankees?
Yes, with the Yankees.
You lose good men
to trades and unruly fans.
L... look, I don't want
to talk about it, I'm sorry.
Tattoo on the lower back.
Might as well be a bull's-eye.
You know how they say
we only use % of our brains?
- Mmm.
- I think we only use % of our hearts.
I feel so tiny in your arms.
Really?
How tall are you?
I'm ' ", but...
I feel like I'm four feet.
And some poetry,
courtesy of Sarah McLachlan.
You've been
so good to me
You know you
make me wanna shout
Kick my
heels up and shout
Throw my head
back and shout!
- Kick my heels up and shout!
- Yeah!
- Come on now, take it easy
- Shout! Shout!
- Take it easy! Shout!
- Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-
ay-ay!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-
ay-ay!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-
ay-ay!
- Hey-ay-ay-ay!
- All right
- Shout! Shout!
- All right
- Shout! Shout! Shout!
- All right! All right!
- The bride!
- Now, wait a minute...
All right let's go,
let's go, let's make a memory!
What are you gonna do for an encore?
Walk on water?
Great guy.
He brung me along, too.
Jesus. Come on! Get in there.
You can do it!
You want that cake!
You don't treat cake like that.
- You gotta treat cake like a lady.
- Give her a kiss. Look at that.
Oh my God,
in front of all of 'em!
Ba ba ba.
Ah-ha-ha! Oh-ho!
And then everyone
said, "Jabroni!"
Jabroni!
This fucking guy, unbelievable!
Hop in.
Now spread it around
on each other.
We need a picture of this
They're crazy!
Bacio! Bacio!
Time to party!
Time to party!
Come on, we need a picture.
Get a picture.
You've been so good to me
You know you make me
want to shout!
Lift my heels up
and shout!
Throw my head
back and shout!
Kick my heels up and shout!
Come on now!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-
ay-ay!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-
ay-ay!
- Hey-ay-ay-ay!
- Ooh.
- Hot.
- Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Hey-ay-ay-ay!
Shout now!
Jump up and shout now!
Jump up
and shout now!
Jump up and shout now
Jump up
and shout now
Jump up and shout now
Everybody shout now,
everybody shout now
Everybody shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout
shout shout shout
Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout,
oh, shout
Whoa! Shout!
Oh! Shout shout
shout shout!
Shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Oh! Shout!
Come on, come on and shout!
Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout shout
shout shout shout shout
Shout shout shout shout!
Oh, no no.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Sarah, I feel like
I don't even know you.
It's Vivian.
Would you say you're completely
full of shit or just %?
I hope just
but who knows?
Ah.
Bet that blonde was
a real shot of life.
Yeah, real shot.
You don't think we're being...
I don't want to say sleazy,
'cause that's not the right word,
but a little irresponsible, maybe?
No!
One day, you'll look back
on all this and laugh,
say we were
young and stupid.
Yeah.
A couple of dumb kids
running around.
We're not that young.
Hell of a season, pal.
Hell of a season.
Oh! Baba ganoush.
What do we got?
Christmas come early.
- Secretary Cleary?
- The Secretary of the Treasury.
The guy you loved since business school.
Don't thank me.
I don't know.
I mean, I thought the season was over.
I was looking forward to kinda
taking a break for a little bit.
John, what are you
talking about?
This is the Kentucky Derby
of weddings.
It's the Clearys.
They're an American institution.
Pal, there's gonna be
over single women at this wedding.
Not to mention, if you look here,
they've got three live bands,
they got oysters, snacks,
phenomenal finger food.
I'm tired, okay? My feet hurt.
My voice is hoarse.
Oh, please don't take
a turn to negative town.
What are you talking about?
Who's getting negative?
Well, at the Buckner nuptials you were
sitting and sulking in the corner.
I wasn't sulking.
I twisted my ankle.
Rule # :
Do not sit in
the corner and sulk;
it draws attention to you
in a negative way.
Draw attention to yourself,
but on your own terms.
Please don't quote
the rules to me, I know them.
When Chaz Reinhold passed the sacred
rules of wedding crashing onto us
years ago,
he gave us a legacy.
You make it sound
like a cult, okay?
And from everything you've told me
about Chaz, he sounds like a kook!
You bite your tongue.
Chaz Reinhold is not a kook!
He is a brave and a decent man.
He is a pioneer!
He lived with his mother till he
was ! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Erroneous! Erroneous.
Erroneous on both counts!
- Oh, Lord. Here we go again.
- What you should be worried about
is not Chaz Reinhold,
who is in the hall of fame.
What you should be worried about
is you're getting sloppy.
Now, if you sit there
and expect me to go out on a limb
and try to pull off
the greatest crash of all time,
I gotta know that
your head's right.
There is no room
for error.
Secret Service.
Consequences.
I love your enthusiasm.
If I do this,
I don't wanna half-ass it.
I want it well planned.
He's back!
All right, partner.
We'll start scheming tonight, okay?
- Sounds good.
- If you need me, I'll be on line six.
Okay.
Could be fun.
- Wow.
- Mr. Senator.
- Congratulations, Kathleen.
- Thank you.
- Bill, congratulations.
- Thank you, Senator.
Secretary, they just
grow up so damn fast.
That's the truth.
- Okay. Let's do our pregame.
- What do you got?
A few articles on Secretary Cleary's
economic policies.
There's also a roster of key family
members, a glossary, sailing terms.
- Sailing?
- Sailing's like sex to these people.
- They love it.
- Harvard, Kennedy School of Government,
Mom's big with charities,
blah blah blah.
Three daughters, one son.
I get it. Good work.
Good.
Let me see that again, please.
Handsome.
Okay, what's our back story?
We're brothers from New Hampshire,
we're venture capitalists.
I'm sick of that!
Let's be from Vermont
and let's have an emerging
maple syrup conglomerate.
Wait, that's stupid. We don't know
anything about maple syrup.
I happen to know everything there is
to know about maple syrup.
I love maple syrup.
I love maple syrup on pancakes.
I love it on pizza. I like to take maple
syrup and put a little bit in my hair
when I've had a rough week.
What do you think holds it up, slick?
It's the first quarter of the big game
and you want to toss up a Hail Mary!
I'd like to be pimps from Oakland
or cowboys from Arizona,
but it's not Halloween!
Grow up, Peter Pan! Count Chocula!
Look, we been
to a million weddings.
And guess what?
We've rocked 'em all!
Great day.
- The Eagle has landed.
- The big show.
Hey, hey. Fifth row back
with the fancy hat.
I like that.
No, don't waste your time on girls
with hats, they tend to be very proper.
Yeah?
The proper girl in the hat
just eye-fucked the shit outta me.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Why don't you say it a little louder?
I don't think the priest heard you.
Look, John, I'm sorry
I'm not sorry, okay?
I'm not gonna apologize.
I'm a cocksman.
- Tourette's.
- Frank Myers.
John Ryan.
Say hello to my brother Jeremy.
Hi, how are you?
So, um, how do you know the groom?
- We are Uncle Ned's kids.
- Mm-hmm.
Uncle Ned.
- Is he Liz's brother?
- Uncle Ned, the brother of Aunt Liz.
How is everybody?
Well, Dad kinda putters
around the house.
Hey, Aunt Liz sends her best.
She couldn't make it.
Uh, yeah, I know.
Uh, ah...
she's dead.
From the grave.
She sends her best from the grave.
We've become extremely spiritual
- ever since she passed.
- I see.
But thank you so much
for your kindness, brother.
Lord knows we need family now
more than ever.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you.
How many times are you
gonna do this shit?
Rule # :
You don't commit to a relative
unless you're absolutely positive
that they have a pulse.
Rule : Give me
an up-to-date family tree.
That was your mistake.
You made me look like an idiot.
Rule # : No excuses,
play like a champion.
Hello, Red.
- Dibs.
- She's all yours.
I ain't gonna fight you.
I think we've got a crier.
- No shot.
- $ .
- Make it .
- Done.
Oh, are you kidding me?
It's beautiful.
It's moving. It's a wedding.
And now for our next reading,
I'd like to ask
the bride's sister Gloria
up to the lectern.
$ Corinthians.
Double or nothing,
Colossians : .
And now a reading from
Paul's First Letter to the Corinthians.
"Love is patient, love is kind."
As you all know,
Craig and Christina
are quite
the sailing enthusiasts.
In that light,
they have elected
to exchange vows
which they themselves
have written.
The ring.
I, Craig,
take you, Christina,
to be my wife,
my best friend
and my first mate...
through sickness and health,
clear skies and squalls.
I'm sorry,
I have a tickle in my throat.
I, Christina,
take you, Craig,
to be my best friend,
and my captain...
to be your anchor
and your sail...
Well, this is a first.
...your starboard
and your port.
And now I pronounce you
husband and wife.
You may kiss
the first mate.
Sorry, just...
just a sampler.
Told you this would
be classy, right?
Yes, you did, class, first class
all the way. You were not lying.
Class class class.
They've got some kind
of seasoning on here.
It must be sprinkled.
Okay, go get us seats near,
but not too near, the bridal party.
I'm going to go drop this box
of fresh Wyoming air.
If you see any crab cakes,
get your hands on some
- 'cause I love the crab cakes.
- Consider it done.
- Fondue set.
- Excuse me?
The present you're holding is
a sterling silver fondue set.
- John Ryan.
- Claire Cleary.
Uh, so how do you know that?
Well... I'm a psychic.
You're psychic?
Really?
Yes.
- What's that one?
- Knife set. German. Very nice.
Hmm. And that?
- Cotton linens, Egyptian.
- Ooh.
- What about that?
- Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings,
candlesticks, crystal stemware
which they'll probably never use
'cause it's... crystal stemware.
- Okay, how about that?
- This...
uh... massage oils
and a book on tantra
from the wacky aunt.
Let's check.
- Who's it from?
- Aunt Millie.
- Yes!
- Well, you... you have a gift.
I know. Unfortunately my powers only
apply to useless consumer products.
Well, you know, if the police are
missing a Belgian waffle maker
you could, um,
give 'em a hand.
- Claire, we need you for pictures.
- Oh, okay.
- Who's your friend?
- This is John Ryan.
Could I just have one more
of the samplers here?
- Good.
- What have we got?
Come back with
some more stuff.
That's good, though. These
bacon-wrapped scallops, phenomenal.
Really hit the spot.
Unbelievable.
Oh, shit.
Isn't that the girl
you hooked up with
at the Andersons' wedding?
- Oh, Jesus, I'm smoked.
- No, no, don't panic.
We're gonna do #
from the playbook. Here she comes.
Shlomo?
I thought you were
renouncing all your possessions
and moving to Nepal.
Shlomo, don't you
remember me?
Oh my God,
you didn't hear.
I'm so sorry.
Shlomo had a scuba
diving accident.
Yeah, he came up too fast,
and the oxygen
deprivation...
poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone,
even me, his own brother.
I'm just some nice guy
who helps him out.
You poor thing!
He actually can't hear anything either.
It's part of the accident.
So you're here
for the Clearys' wedding?
Oh, yes, yes,
but l-I have to leave.
- L-I've got a flight to Madrid, but...
- Oh, you have to leave?
- Yes.
- Oh, okay.
I could hang out
for a few minutes.
Oh, actually,
that won't be necessary.
Shlomo would now
like me to take him
to the bathroom, and then get him
some crab cakes.
So, yeah, no, that's o...
okay, okay! Okay,
I'm gonna take you
to get crab cakes first,
then I'll take you to the bathroom.
You know what?
Here is my number.
If there is anything
I can do to help...
Have a safe flight.
Don't worry about us.
We're gonna be fine.
We're gonna make it.
Doctor.
She looked good.
I'm gonna give it a shot.
How are you gonna call her?
She thinks you're deaf.
Everyone wants to be
a part of a miracle.
I turned a corner.
She's a part of it.
People helping people.
It's powerful stuff.
God, you're a sick man.
You also may be a genius.
Okay, so what angle
you gonna play here?
I'm gonna go with the balloon-animal
display for the kids,
and then when she comes close to
check it out, guess who's a broken man?
- Haunted past, that's it.
- Haunted past. Excellent.
- How about you?
- I'm gonna dance with the little flower girl.
- It's all deadly.
- Yes.
I'll see you in a little.
Final touch.
There it is.
One happy elephant.
All right.
Who else
wants something?
I want a bicycle.
A bicycle? Well, a bicycle,
that would take a lot of balloons
and honestly Uncle Jeremy's
a little tired right now
so why don't we do something like, uh...
let's say a giraffe?
I just want a bicycle!
Why-why are
you yelling at me?
Whatever, make me
a bicycle, clown!
I'm gonna make
you a bicycle.
But I don't want
to make you a bicycle.
Shut your mouth,
funny guy, and make it!
Let's see how you do
with somebody your own age.
I think I'm up
to the challenge.
All right, will you save me
a dance for later?
- Maybe.
- Okay.
Go on, take it, you hyena.
Don't say thank you.
Hi. You're good.
That thing? I'm just warming up.
Last week I did a, uh,
exact replica of...
to scale... of Wrigley Field.
- Ha!
- Honest to God.
- I don't have anywhere to put it.
- Okay, then I'll take a sportscar.
How about a dance?
That's what
I really wanted.
So how long have you
and the Secretary been married?
years next April.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Yeah, and we were
faithful for two of them.
- Hmm?
- Enjoy the party.
Thanks.
Secretary Cleary,
John Ryan.
- Hi, John.
- I just wanted to tell you how much
I enjoyed your position paper
on economic expansion in Micronesia.
You've read
my position paper?
I read it while I was
sailing my boat to Bermuda.
A sailor?
- Good man, take a seat.
- Oh, thanks.
You didn't happen
to catch my speech
on the Paraguayan debt
and money supply issue, did you?
Are you kidding me?
I thought it was great.
Your argument
for the inverse ratio
of capitalization
to debt was genius.
Now, if we can just get
Congress not to be so shortsighted.
Yes! Well put.
"Shortsighted."
John, what do you say
you and I head out to the deck
- and light up a couple of cigars?
- Stogies?
- Yeah.
- Why not?
It's just that we lost a lot
of really good men out there.
I'm sorry.
Gloria, I think I gotta
go get some fresh air.
Thank you so much for the dance
and it was wonderful to meet you.
I wish I were stronger.
Jeremy!
Jeremy, wait up!
- John, you seem like an astute man.
- Thank you.
Maybe you can help
explain something to me.
You see that young man
out there on the dock?
- Sure.
- That's my son Todd.
years old, the whole world
in front of him,
every advantage in life,
advantages I never had...
that's not exactly true.
He had the same
advantages I had,
which is a hell of a lot
of advantages.
So here's my question.
What's he got to be
so morose about?
Maybe he hasn't found
something to believe in.
Oh, he says
he believes in art,
but all I've seen him do is
dribble his own blood
on a canvas
and smear it around
with a stick!
You know, some people
call that art.
It's crap!
Whatever happened
to public service,
obligation to our fellow man?
Well, maybe he's...
maybe he's just trying
to find his own way, his own path,
I mean, you cast
a pretty big shadow.
Yeah.
Well, perhaps...
I should take it easy on him.
Perhaps.
Death, you are
my bitch lover!
Todd, that's good!
Tell that mean ocean!
Oh, uh...
It's a start.
So you dove
into the icy water?
I mean, why would a man
risk his own life
for the life
of a complete stranger?
The great th century
philosopher Schopenhauer,
he said, at that moment
when a human sees
another human in danger,
that there's this breaking in
of metaphysical awareness.
Do you know what that
awareness is, Gloria?
- What?
- That we're all one.
That separateness is
an illusion,
and that I'm one
with everyone...
with the Prime Minister
of England,
and my cousin Harry,
you and me,
the fat kid
from "What's Happening!"
The Olsen twins,
Natalie Portman,
the guy who wrote
"Catcher in the Rye,"
Nat King Cole,
Carrot Top
Jay-Z,
- Weird Al Yankovic...
- Hmm.
Harry Potter, if he existed,
the whore
on the street corner,
your mother...
- we're all one.
- We are?
That my hands are
your hands...
Oh...
and that my cheek...
is really your cheek,
and that my lips...
...are my lips.
According to Mr. Schopenhauer,
they are.
Well, the guy wants
to run for President.
Oh, so you're hiding, I see.
He thinks Moby Dick
is a venereal disease.
Well, that's what I need.
Claire...
Sorry to interrupt.
- Um, Christina wants to talk to you.
- Fun's over.
- Yeah.
- Funny.
- Franklin!
- What a great guy.
You are a big hit
at this wedding.
Well, everyone's
so nice. It's easy.
- They're all full of shit.
- What?
Half of these people
are here because of my dad.
They're all just, you know,
suckling at the power teat.
No no.
Come on, they're here because
they want to believe they're
in the presence of true love.
That's why people come to weddings,
'cause they wanna believe in true love.
What's true love?
True love is your soul's recognition
of its counterpoint in another.
Well, it's a little cheesy,
but... I like it.
Uh, I saw it
on a bumper sticker.
- So, you gonna give a toast?
- Yes.
- Nervous?
- Mm... little bit. Um...
What are you gonna say?
Would you?
You keep it in your cleavage.
Nowhere else to put it.
Normally, I'm not very
good at these things,
but l-I think
this one's pretty good.
"I never thought my sister
would find someone
who cared about what other people
thought as much as she did...
- until I met Craig"?
- Yes!
That's funny! That's funny because
it's true. You know, people like funny.
I know. But the whole
funny-because-it's-true bit
only works if the truth
is a small thing
like "Everyone knows Jennifer likes
to shop," Ha ha ha.
I think you're better off going
with something from the heart, honestly.
I think that people
are gonna like this.
I think you're
gonna hear crickets.
- I thing you're wrong.
- Sounds of silence.
- Nope.
- Okay, go walk the plank.
- Mmm-mm. I'm sticking to it.
- Go ahead.
Hey, meet me
at the back of the room.
I'll be the guy waiting
to say "I told you so."
Good luck!
And so, after my ninth stint in rehab,
um, Craig...
oh, Craig.
Craig was the only one
who still believed in me.
Been sober now
for eight months.
And uh...
I thank God every day,
for sending me
a friend like Craig.
I love you, man.
I never thought that
my sister would find someone
who cared about what
other people thought
as much as she did
until I met Craig.
Uh...
Um...
as you all know,
my sister and Craig
are both lawyers
at big law firms
in New York.
But that's not the only thing
they have in common.
Um, they both like
the color green
like Craig's eyes
and money.
Um, uh...
you know, someone
once told me that
true love is
the soul's recognition of
its counterpoint in another.
And I think that
that's a very rare thing in this world.
And I think it's something
to be valued.
And I'm just really happy
that my big sister's found it.
Uh, congratulations, Chris.
Ah! That was amazing!
It was really great.
We should probably head back
so they're not lookin' for us.
I always knew my first time
would be on a beach.
First time?
- You were a virgin?
- Mm-hmm.
Wow.
Jeremy, we're gonna
be so happy together.
I love you.
- I'm sorry?
- I love you!
- You totally saved me.
- No.
- Yes.
- Claire, come on. Come here.
Mm!
Oh, baby,
you were awesome.
- No.
- Listen to me, awesome.
Okay.
Uh, John, this is... this is
my boyfriend, Sack.
- Hey, fella.
- How you doing?
Listen, we've gotta
go meet the Schreibers.
Okay, was great to meet you.
Thank you!
Boom, I gotcha!
Oh, great!
Good to see you.
I've been looking all over for you.
I gotta get outta here pronto,
- I've got a Stage Five clinger.
- No no, I need more time.
Did you hear what
I just said to you?
Stage ? Virgin? Clinger?
Let's go, I'm gonna start the car.
I'm serious, let's go.
I don't think that you're
appreciating the urgency here.
Not only is she a virgin,
she's totally off the reservation.
I'm terrified of this broad.
- Here you are!
- Hey! Gloria, wow!
What a coincidence,
I was just singing your praises.
- This is John Ryan.
- Oh, hi.
- Yeah.
- So my family and a few friends,
we're all going back to our little place
on the shore and it would be
- so great if you guys came.
- Really?
- Sounds sort of wonderful.
- I am...
well it does, it sounds...
it sounds very nice.
But-but and I'm flattered
that you would
even think of me to include me in
something like that, Gloria. Thank you.
It kills me however to have to tell you
I'm sorry, I just... timing's no good.
- I won't be able to make it.
- Why?
- It's gonna be so much fun!
- It's gonna be so much fun!
I'm sure it will be fun for the...
for the people that are going.
L-I unfortunately can't go.
L-I don't have, um...
I only have this monkey suit.
- I don't have any clothes.
- No, we have everything you need.
- Problem solved. Problem solved!
- The problem's not solved.
- The problem's not solved.
- Deal us in.
Oh, cool cool cool!
I'm gonna run and find my dad! Ah!
Hey, don't ask your dad!
Don't ask your dad! Don't...
- The train's going. We gotta get on.
- That's true. Why don't... why don't you
- just feed me to the lions?
- What?
- Step on my head when I'm drowning.
- What?
What a great friend.
What do you mean, what?
John, this is completely
against the rules.
You have a wedding and a reception
to seal the deal. Period.
- There's no overtime. No!
- Oh, no overtime?
What about the Chang wedding
three years ago?
- Oh, that's bullshit.
- Yeah, thought I forgot about that.
: A.M., you dragged me
miles to watch you and some chick
play mah-jong with her grandmother
at a retirement home.
Yeah, completely
different situation.
- How?
- What do you mean how?
She was a very very
family-oriented girl.
And she was very into her grandmother.
They're very family-oriented.
- Give me a break!
- That was my first Asian!
- You better lock it up.
- You better lock it up.
- No, you lock it up. Lock it up.
- You lock it up. Lock it up.
Please! It would mean
so much to me, please!
Look at the way
he's looking at me.
I can tell he doesn't like me, John.
He's the Secretary of the Treasury.
And to be honest with you,
my taxes aren't exactly in line.
Oh, come on,
you're being paranoid.
He's threatened
by the way I dance.
Damn it! Why'd I have to
go showin' off like that?
Now I'm all over
his radar. Stupid!
You're not
that good a dancer.
Oh, please!
You and I both know
I'm a phenomenal dancer.
Now I know you're lying
through your teeth!
You'll do anything
to get me to go on this thing,
even if I have to walk
right into the lion's den.
Gloria, come on!
You know I'm not gonna give in
to this kind of behavior.
She's like a kid at Toys R Us.
I can't be around it.
Oh, get off your high horse.
Stop judging people.
You take off the white wig,
and you stop judging me.
I don't want to be around
someone who's a nut job.
- I need some alone time with her.
- If you want to hang out with Claire,
the boyfriend and Cybill,
by all means. I'm not going.
Let me lay it out for you in simple
chapter and verse: You're going.
Let me break it down for you so you
understand: I'll hold your hand like
- a small child. I'm not going.
- Yes, you are.
You can go if you want. I'm... no,
I'm not. No, I'm not.
You're gonna be a team player
for once in your life.
- He'd love you to come.
- Yes! Yes! Baba ganoush!
- What do I do?
- Baba ganou!
Okay okay.
Home sweet home.
- You okay?
- Yeah.
Come here, come here.
Are you okay? Because I'm gonna need
% of Jeremy this weekend
and you're looking
a little weird.
She took me below deck
for minutes. I don't have
- any bodily fluids left in me.
- Gentlemen, everything okay?
- Great! Yep.
- Great?
You know, we were thinking about
a little game of touch football,
- you know.
- Yeah?
- Cleary family tradition.
- A little pigskin, why not?
- Great.
- Don't forget to stretch, guys.
We're gonna be on the field in .
- Clothes fit.
- Ooh.
I'm not even gonna say it, but you...
you-you know I'm upset.
I know you are.
I think you look good.
You know
I don't look good.
Hey, honey!
I'm over here!
Are you ready?
Are you ready for some football?
You want the noise brought on you?
'Cause here it comes.
- The what?
- The noise brought on you,
- 'cause here it comes.
- Just hike the ball, nut job.
Ready! Set!
Hut! Hut! Hike!
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
three Mississippi.
- Yes!
- Ooh!
- Whoo!
- Yes! Crab cakes and football!
- That's what Maryland does!
- Nice one!
- A little out of shape?
- Yeah.
- Way to bring it!
- Way to anticipate that rush, man.
- No, I just saw you had it.
- Hey, shut up!
You gotta anticipate that rush.
- Cool, no, of course I do.
- You did a great job.
- What happened, Toast?
- I think he's on steroids.
It was like trying to cover
a fuckin' racehorse.
- Well, don't worry about it.
- Get it up!
We'll burn 'em with the post.
No no. No, I got
a better idea.
Look, I want you to
fake the post,
throw an interception to Claire,
get her to feel good, you know?
Gets them foamy.
You think you can do that?
John, I was first team, all-state.
I can put the ball wherever I want to.
I'll make it rain out here.
All right, guys, bring it in. Blue !
Blue ! Red !
- Oh, you're gonna cover me?
- Like white on rice.
All right, I like my odds here.
I'm gonna give you a little warning,
- I'm going downtown.
- Hot route!
Red seven,
red seven, red seven!
Look for me in the endzone after this
play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
- John! Red seven!
- What? I don't know
what "red seven" means.
- Hot route!
I don't...
w-what is "hot route"?
Will you just go stand
on the other side, please?
Are you runnin'
away from me?
- No! I'm just gettin' over here.
- You scared?
- Down!
- Come on!
Ready, down, set!
Hut! Hut! Hut! Hike!
Go, Jeremy!
Hey, yo!
Hit me! Hit me!
Boo-ya!
That's what we call
a sack lunch!
Num-num-num-num-num-num!
Ow! Bird.
Big tree fall hard, right?
How many fingers I got up? Come on,
Pepe, how many fingers I got up?
Oh, come on, I got
four. Okay, here's five.
Man down!
We got a man down!
You okay?
Hey, is your brother okay?
What? Aw, he's fine.
I can't breathe.
- What's that?
- I can't breathe.
No no no, I think
he's really hurt.
Well, serves him right
after that throw.
Hey! Baba ganoush!
I don't know... I don't know
what got into me, Secretary, I just...
I do. Five generations
of Lodge family breeding.
- Your father used to pull...
- I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
- The same stunt when we were your age.
- I can't breathe.
- Is that right?
- You okay?
Great!
You threw it perfectly!
Come on, get up!
- Don't oversell it.
- I'm not selling anything.
Come on, stop milking it. You make
us look like a bunch of pussies.
Jeremy!
Sit this play out.
Todd, come on in.
You must be joking.
It wouldn't kill you to play
some competitive sports
once in a while, would it?
Well, would that
make you love me?
Pfft. Jesus.
Hey, Jeremy,
red moon dog - !
-teen!
Hut one! Hut two!
Blitz!
Jeremy!
Hoo-ah!
Oh!
- Oh.
- That looked like it hurt.
- I got you!
- No, you didn't!
- You're cheating! Oh my God.
- You're cheating!
- The only...
- Your brother, he's down again.
What is his deal?
L... I don't know what's getting
into me today, guys. It's just...
Nature versus nurture, Lodge.
Nature always wins.
What are you doing?
It's a game of touch.
Every time I look over,
you're on your ass again.
If I had any air in my lungs,
I'd scream at you!
Oh, now you're
gonna blame me?
'Cause you're not athletic
enough to stay on your two feet?
I hate you.
Let's take
a daiquiri time-out.
Daiquiris.
Oh!
Sweetheart, why don't you take him
into the house and fix him up?
- Sure, Mom.
- Oh, don't baby him,
- it just makes it worse.
- Oh! My back hurts.
Oh, great.
Game's over. Satisfied?
You got everyone on you now?
Get all the attention.
- It's hot out here.
- Yeah, it is.
You should have played
in your underwear.
I'll get you a drink.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
It burns.
- Oh! Poor baby.
- It stings. Oh, Jesus.
You want me
to blow on it?
No. No no no.
No no no.
No, I don't need any blowing.
I'm good, I'm good.
- I'm... thank you.
- Jeremy, I'm not wearing any panties.
- Oh. Yeah.
- That's right.
- Ooh, ah, oh!
- Um, uh, okay. That's fun. That's nice.
Uh, yeah,
that's fun, yeah.
That's fun. Okay, Gloria,
could you just stop for...
That's funny,
that's funny,
- that's funny.
- Ahem.
Don't you worry,
Miss Gloria.
- Mum's the word.
- Thank you, Randolph.
A little more discreet,
though, okay?
Jesus Christ.
Don't worry,
he won't say anything.
Okay, I'm a little confused.
Just like eight hours ago
you were a shy little virgin,
and now you're not wearing any
panties. I'm just trying to...
- to catch up with you here.
- You do that to me. Ooh.
- Where's my little friend?
- I do what... no no no.
- Where's my little friend?
- He's tired. He's tired.
- Where's my little friend?
- He's in time-out.
He's in time-out.
Gloria, please! I'm exhausted.
I'm exhausted.
I've had a very long day.
Dry hump me up and down
the field all afternoon.
My leg's cut and bleeding. I'm just...
I'm not really in the mood for this.
Ow! Jesus Christ!
My father warned me about
people like you, Jeremy.
I'm just another
notch on your belt!
Wha... this is not like that.
What are you talk... it's not like that!
Really?! Then what's
it like, Jeremy, huh?
- Ow! Ow! No! Wait! Wait!
- Huh?!
It's just that I'm
feeling very strongly
that we're only starting
to express ourselves
in a physical,
sexual-specifically way.
That's it! Wait!
And I'd like to play some catch-up on
finding out who's inside here.
Okay?
Jeremy.
- Jeremy, you're amazing!
- Oh God, I think you're amazing.
- Oh my God, don't ever leave me.
- Ever.
Good! 'Cause I'd find you.
Yeah.
Of course like all kids, I had
imaginary friends, but not just one.
I had hundreds and hundreds and all
of them from different backgrounds
who spoke different languages.
And one of them, whose name was Caleb,
he spoke a magical language
that only I could understand.
Get him all patched up?
I sure did, Daddy.
Gloria bug.
You go change for dinner.
Okay.
You know, she's not just
another notch on the old belt.
I don't even wear
a belt. Beltless.
I'm a very powerful man.
Yes, you are.
See you for dinner.
So, I am President of the
Environment Defense League.
And I pick up this little sea otter...
...and... and... and... wipe off
the oil from the tanker spill.
All right, you gotta step this up
already. I'm gonna give you
- the damn eyedrops.
- No, I don't want 'em.
- It's too hardcore.
- Well, do you want to be alone
- with her or not?
- Yes.
Put a few of these in his drink and
he'll be going down on toilet seat
- for the next hours.
- I don't want to do it.
I can beat this guy.
Let's be honorable for once.
And the whiskers.
And the oil's... the oil's
flapping, he goes...
- Give me the eyedrops.
- Thank you.
Perfect.
Let us bow our
heads in prayer.
Heavenly Father,
we thank You for Thy
bounty on this table
and ask that You bless
the entire Cleary family
and all the friends
here assembled.
- Amen.
- Amen.
- Mm. Oh, these scallops look fantastic.
- I, uh... I bought them from
an organic scallop farm right off
the coast of, uh, Nattachoke.
Actually, Sack got the Governor
to subsidize part of the project.
And now it's the state's only
self-sustaining scallop farm.
Say that five times, fast.
You can't do it. Self-sustaining...
They actually look terrific.
Maybe I'll actually try some
when I get the sensation
back in my face
- from the, uh... football game.
- Again, Jeremy, I'm sorry.
I just, you know, I have
this damn competitive streak.
Um... I'm seeing
a Buddhist about it.
Not just any Buddhist. His Holiness,
the Dalai Lama. He's a good friend.
Stop traffic. Because when
I go back to town,
I'm actually gonna
see an orthopedist
about what you did to my back.
And not just any orthopedist,
I'm gonna see a Dr. Epstein
who specializes in...
Hey, Sack, how long have you
and Claire been seeing each other?
Claire and I? Um, what's it been,
sweetheart? A couple years?
Three and a half.
Yeah, um, actually, we started
dating while we were doing
- Habitat for Humanity.
- Sure.
Pretty soon...
we'll be getting married.
Yep.
Well, not too soon, um...
We still have a lot of things
that we want to accomplish.
Anyway, once Claire
and Sack tie the knot,
two of the great American families,
the Clearys and the Lodges,
- will finally unite.
- Hear, hear.
And then of course, you can
challenge the Klingons
for interstellar
domination, right?
Jeremy...
I saw you
on the dance floor.
You move pretty good.
Oh. Thanks a lot.
L... really just got lucky.
I was more in the zone
than anything else.
It was
the booze dancing.
Sorry guys, I forgot.
How are you guys connected
to the family again?
Uncle Ned's kids.
You know...
Uncle Ned?
Aunt Liz's brother.
Ned and Liz.
Hmm. No, I don't know.
So, Jeremy,
you and your brother are
venture capitalists.
- That's right.
- That's great.
Venture capitalist.
The backbone of the system.
- It's the new pioneer.
- New pioneer.
So is it just
about the money?
No no, it's about,
investing in companies that
are ethically and morally defensible.
Well, like what?
Give me an example.
Like what? Well, there's the company
that we have where we're taking the...
the fur or the wool
from sheep
and we turn it into thread
for homeless people to sew.
And then they make it into cloth,
which they in turn sew
then, um...
make some shirts
and pants
for other homeless people to sell.
It's a pretty good deal.
- People... people helping people.
- Yeah.
That's... that's very admirable.
Thank you. Although, don't make me
out to be a saint just yet.
We do turn a small profit.
After all, someone
has to pay for the, uh,
lap dances for
the big guy here.
Oh!
He's joking around.
It feels so good when he jokes.
What's this, uh,
company called?
- Holy sh...
- Shirts & Pants. Holy Shirts & Pants.
It's a little corny
and obvious,
but what do you get
out of being subtle, right?
Well, that's a hell
of a good project.
I'm gonna mention something
to the Commerce Secretary.
That would be terrific.
That would be great, huh?
Terrific,
it was terrific.
Isn't my Willy doing a wonderful job
there in Washington?
- Mommy.
- You know, Willy's father, my husband
was the Secretary of State
for President
Franklin Roosevelt.
That must have been
so thrilling... FDR.
My gosh, FDR was
a wonderful President.
He was a doll.
The wife, though,
Eleanor...
- big dyke!
- Oh Lord.
Huge dyke!
A real rug muncher!
Looked like
a big lesbian mule.
Grandma, you can't talk
like that, okay? It's not right.
Somebody... somebody get me
another Scotch for Christ sakes!
I think I'm
gonna go to bed.
Honey, are you okay?
Oh, yeah, I'm fine. You know,
I'm just a little tired. Thanks.
- Okay.
- You all right?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
What an athlete.
A tremendous competitor.
I know.
Todd, I noticed that you haven't even
touched your food yet.
- I don't eat meat or fish.
- He's a homo.
Mommy, let's not
go there again.
Actually, um, Todd
is an amazing painter.
He's going to the Rhode Island
School of Design.
Oh, that's a great school.
Congratulations, Todd.
That's really
impressive, "Rizdee."
Yeah, Dad... Dad used to think
I'd be a political liability,
you know, in case
he ever ran for President.
Now, Todd!
Actually, truth be told,
polling shows a majority
of the American people
would ultimately empathize
with our situation.
- What is our situation, Dad?!
- You're a homo.
Oh, for God sakes, William,
put Mommy to bed already.
Okay. Mommy,
we've had a long day.
I can do it myself, asshole.
Wow.
I'll be in my room painting.
Homo things.
You just go
right ahead, Toddy.
- Mmm, wonderful scallops.
- Absolutely. Wonderful.
You know, um...
I think I'm
gonna get some air.
Oh, I'll get some air
if you want some company.
- Sure.
- Let me just change my shoes.
- Excuse me.
- All right. I'm gonna... can't walk away
from the delicious food
that we got here.
I just had my tits done.
You like 'em?
Those... seem like lovely tits.
William doesn't give
a shit about my tits.
Well, darn him.
But Mrs. Cleary,
this is pretty sudden.
You've been playing cat and mouse
with me ever since you came here.
- Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
- Call me Cat.
Okay, Cat...
Call me Kitty Cat.
Okay, Kitty Cat,
this feels borderline
inappropriate, and...
- Feel them.
- What?
- I said feel them.
- Mrs. Cleary...
Kitty Cat.
I'm sorry, Kitty Cat.
Are you out of your fucking mind?
I'm not letting
you out of this room
until you feel them.
Wow, they feel really nice.
Real orb-like.
Pervert.
Mom make you
feel her tits?
Did you say something, Todd?
Mom make you feel her tits?
Todd, where are you
going with this?
Just don't... don't say anything
to my dad, though.
Some friend
of my sister's...
and she said something to my dad
a couple of years ago...
he now lives
in a shack in Guam.
Not by choice.
Stop kidding with me, Todd.
You almost had me,
come on.
- John, I need to talk to you.
- No, not right now.
What's wrong with you? Why you got
the weird look all over your face?
Claire's mom just made
me grab her hooters.
Well, snap out of it!
What? A hot, older woman
made you feel her cans?
Stop crying like a little girl.
I wasn't crying
like a little girl.
Why don't you try getting jacked off under
the table in front
of the whole damn family and have
some real problems? Jackass.
What were they like, anyway?
They look pretty good. Are they real?
Are they built for speed or for comfort?
What you do with 'em? Motorboat?
You play the motorboat?
Ppppt!
You motorboatin' son of a bitch.
You old sailor, you!
Where is she?
She still in the house?
What is
wrong with you?
What do you mean what's wrong with...
what's wrong with you?
- No, what's wrong with you?
- No, what's wrong with you?
- You're projecting.
- Drop it.
You drop it!
You stop projecting on me.
Why don't you go enjoy yourself while
I go ice my balls and spit up blood?
- Drop it!
- "Team player."
Ahem.
Oh, Mr. President!
What do you want?
You're in my room.
Oh, dear.
Well, I'm too drunk to walk,
so carry me to my room.
Carry you...
sure.
You banging the daughter
and the grandma?
How much jam
you got, man?
- Jam? L...
- Listen, man,
the family dog
lives downstairs.
I can wake him up for you, if you like.
His name is Snooky.
You could not be more wrong
about what's happen...
Just be gentle
with her, okay?
She be pushing !
Jesus Christ.
Hey! Good thing
I didn't hold my breath.
Yeah, I'm sorry,
I just, uh...
Sorry I'm late, I just...
You okay?
No no, I'm fine, I just...
- I just got, uh, held up.
- Hmm. My family's a little strange.
A little strange?
Come on. Claire.
Your family...
are totally nuts.
- And guess what?
- What?
- I love it.
- You do?
- Yeah, it seems great.
- Really?
- Yes!
- I get a little self-conscious.
It's a family!
You're mixing it up.
You got the sweet little
grandma who's really sweet
with her, like, little, like,
white hair, but then she's kinda mean.
But you're like,
"Well, fuck it, she's so old,
and she's not
gonna change now."
- Oh.
- Shit, it was great!
I just hope I didn't embarrass myself
with that stupid joke I told.
Are you kidding?
That was so funny!
- No, really? Really?
- Yeah! Yeah, you're like that
crazy guest who thinks he's part
of the family already, it's...
Doesn't sound that great.
That sounds horrible.
- No, it's cute.
- The crazy guest who thinks he's
like a part of the family who's gonna say
inappropriate stuff? What is that?
- Yeah. You know, you break the ice.
- Yeah.
It can be so stuffy sometimes in there.
Claire?
- Yeah?
- There you are.
Have you checked on Sack?
I think he's pretty sick.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
No, I'll be right in.
Um, I should...
I should go check on him.
Yeah, sure, okay.
Yeah, we'll take a walk some other time.
Claire.
Mm-hmm?
I'Il... I'll talk to you later.
Okay.
Oh no.
Are you okay?
Well, Claire, um...
my head's buried
in a toilet.
What do you think?
Why don't you do the math, okay?
Honey, it's okay to be vulnerable
sometimes. It's just me.
Yeah, you can just cut that psychobabble
bullshit that your mom tells you, okay?
- Right.
- Hey, you wanna help me out?
Do ya? Do ya, kid?
Why don't you go get me a -Up, okay?
All right,
'cause I think I'm...
I think I might
get vulnerable again.
What the f... fuck
is going on?
Shh, shh, shh!
You'll wake my dad.
Baby, I started thinking
about what you said before
and I think the problem is I am not
being adventurous enough for you!
Gloria, I am pretty sure that is not
what I've been saying to you.
Shh!
Baby...
I'm gonna make all
your fantasies come true.
But this is not fant...
I love you.
Till I drive you away
I know
what you'll say
You say oh
Someone you know
But I promise you this
I'll always
look out for you
Yeah, that's
what I'll do
I say oh
Oh-oh
I say oh
Oh-oh-oh
I saw sparks
Yeah, I saw sparks
I saw sparks
Yeah, I saw sparks
I saw them
La la la.
Gloria,
go to sleep, honey.
It's not Gloria.
Jesus Christ!
We had a moment at
the dinner table, didn't we?
No. No, we did not have
a moment at the dinner table.
Yes! We had a moment.
I was right there. Todd, I would have
noticed if there was a moment.
- There was no moment.
- I made you a painting.
What?
I call the painting
"Celebration."
It's sexual and violent.
I thought you might like it.
No.
- Hide! You gotta hide! Yes.
- No. They need to know about us.
- It's okay.
- No no no no. Hide hide hide!
Please please please.
You gotta hide, you gotta hide!
Not there. Not there!
I'm not comfortable...
I'm not comfortable with that!
- Let's play tummy sticks!
- What's tummy sticks?
I don't want to play tummy sticks!
Get in the closet.
It's okay, I was where
you were a year ago.
Get in the fucking closet right now!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet!
You go get in the closet! Go!
I'll pop out
at the right moment.
No, you will not!
Everything okay in here?
I thought I heard something.
I was just
having a bad dream.
Oh.
I know about bad dreams.
You know, Todd...
screams
at night sometimes.
You know, the doctors
call it night terrors.
I don't know.
Hmm?
Oh. Okay, then.
Sleep well.
There's nothing
terrifying about the night.
Now, listen, if you let me
go to bed and get some sleep
then l... we can
talk tomorrow.
You won't
make time for me.
If I get my sleep
I'll have to... I'Il...
I'll love to make time and talk about,
uh, uh, different things.
Like paintings.
Can't wait for tomorrow
when I got energy
and I can really share some stuff.
Okay.
- Oh, it's gonna be great.
- You sleep.
Mmm. Okay.
That was nice.
That was nice! Please
let me just sleep.
I can't take
this fuckin' shit anymore!
There he is!
It's the big guy! Get in here.
Wait till you see the spread.
Anything you want.
Yeah, well, get
what you want to go.
The ferry leaves in minutes.
We gotta get outta here.
Whoa, what's your problem?
Have some of this stuff.
I didn't get a lot of sleep
last night, John. I'm fried.
- Soft mattress?
- Yeah, that could've been it.
It could have been the soft mattress.
Or, it could've been
the midnight rape... or the nude, gay art
show that took place in my room...
one of those probably added
to the lack of sleep...
Try one of these scones,
you're gonna love 'em.
I'm a little traumatized
to have a scone. Let's move.
Will you slow down for a second?
The whole eyedrop thing backfired.
Okay? It didn't work. She had to
leave me and go attend to him.
Why are you looking
at me like that?
You're falling
for this broad.
No! I just met her.
Exactly.
I'm gonna go.
- You can't go.
- Watch me.
Watch me take this
on down the road.
If you leave, Gloria is gonna freak out
and throw a shit fit,
and it's gonna go into crisis lockdown
mode here at the house.
I don't give
a baker's fuck!
I just had my own sock duct-taped
into my mouth last night!
- Whoa, what?
- Yeah, the sock
that I wore around all day,
playin' football in,
pouring sweat in,
was shoved into my mouth,
and there was duct tape over it!
Well, let's talk about it.
I'm a good listener.
I'm not in a place to discuss
what happened. Okay?
I felt like Jodie Foster
in "The Accused" last night.
I'm gonna go home,
see Dr. Finkelstein
and I'm gonna tell him...
we got a whole new bag of issues,
we can forget about
Mom for a while. I'm gonna go.
Suit yourself.
Rule # .
Rule # : Never leave
a fellow crasher behind.
- I can't believe how selfish you are.
- I need you.
A friend in need is a pest.
I'll stick it out with you
because you're desperate.
- I need the big guy.
- I'm gonna try to give you
a little bit more time,
because somebody can't close.
- Fair enough.
- But if you want my help,
you gotta listen. Number one:
Stop being a pussy.
Number two:
Make a move.
Number three...
you know it.
Could you pop the syrup for me?
Just as a top off?
Here's what's
gonna happen, Tonto.
Kimosabe's gonna have
some flavor,
- I'm gonna choose not to eat with you.
- We're not gonna eat together?
No. I like to recharge
my batteries,
and shut down the engines,
and get myself back to neutral.
When the meal's over with,
I will talk to you.
I don't want to get
into what happened last night,
'cause it's only gonna make me mad.
Let's get through today,
let's keep our eye
on the prize, let's focus,
- and let's close some ass.
- Noted.
Can I tell you something
without you getting angry?
I love you.
Yeah, you, big guy.
I love you too.
Hello.
- Trapster, it's Sack.
- Sackmaster!
- How was the wedding?
- Oh, it was boring, you know,
but the bachelor party,
of course, rocked.
We got Heidi a couple
of those fucking sluts
from the environmental
group, remember them?
No way!
Did you tap that again?
Once at my place,
then once back in the cab.
Damn! Sluts!
Oh, how's Claire?
Still trying to figure out
what she's doing with her life?
Claire? She's, you know,
whatever, I don't know.
She's saving the world
one maladjusted kid at a time.
But that'll all change
when we're married,
'cause I want a wife.
I don't want a fucking martyr, right?
I hear that, my friend.
Hey, man, listen,
l-l-l-I got...
do you remember
that private detective we used
to set up that fucking
Shearson Lehman prick?
The big sleazy, Tommy Gufano.
He's a wop genius.
Yes. I need you to get some dirt
on these two guys
John and Jeremy Ryan.
They're brothers from New Hampshire.
They got some sort of N.P.O. Called
"Holy Shirts & Pants."
- I will check into them.
- Excellent, bro.
- You da man!
- Take it easy.
Where's Sack?
Oh, he's... he's still
not feeling very well.
Well then, "The Woodwind"
takes off without him.
- John my boy.
- Yes?
We're tacking back round.
Do me a favor,
ease the sheets,
swing the jib
starboard.
Okay, let me...
Okay.
One minute.
- Hi. How's it going?
- Hi.
Oh, just swinging the jib
here for your dad.
Starboard. Trying to get it over here
and crease the sheet.
Um, but starboard's
this way.
- Oh, that's right. What am l...
- Yeah.
- What am I thinking?
- I'll help.
- Okay.
- Hang on, hang on.
- Watch the jib boom.
- Oh.
All right, push it.
Push it this way.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, this is better.
- Come on, use some muscle.
- There we go.
All right, that's good.
Done. Done.
You know, I'm used to sailing
down under with the Kiwis,
so everything
is backwards.
Even the toilets...
when you flush them,
the water spins
the opposite way.
Really freaks you out
the first time you see it.
John my boy,
come on up here.
Man "The Woodwind"
for a while.
On my way.
Hey, your dad was telling
me about a great beach near here
that maybe we could
check out
if you have any interest
when we get back.
Yeah.
Great. Okay, it can get
confusing up here.
If you have a problem,
just give me a call.
Thank you.
Thanks.
Now how would one
get to this Sook's Bend?
Actually, it would be
a really nice bike ride.
Everything's ready
for the quail hunt!
For the quail hunt?
Yeah. It's a... it's
a Cleary family tradition.
Well, I think you might have
to deal me out on this,
- 'cause we were gonna...
- Nonsense, I insist.
John, you gotta go! You're gonna
love it! You're gonna love it!
Sack, honey, um, you're a little bit
sick for hunting.
Oh, no, I'm great!
Honey, I'm great!
Oh, I'm going!
Right? Right?
Okay. You're going.
- So, I guess I'll see you later.
- See you later.
Just take it easy, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Mr. Environmental
is also a-a hunter.
It's kind of an interesting
combination.
I hunt quail, Jeremy!
They're overpopulated in this
region and they're decimating
the grub worm population.
You got a fucking problem with that?!
Not nearly as much as I do with the,
uh, attire that you have on,
or just your general point of view
towards everybody.
But let's go kill some birds.
I'm psyched.
Have you even shot
one of these things before?
The whole years
we've known each other,
I've been sneaking off to go on little
hunting trips around the world.
No, I don't even know
what the fuck a quail is!
I feel totally ridiculous.
Like why do I have to be in camouflage?
So the big bad quail
doesn't see me?
I know. It's like, why can't we
hunt something cool
like a hawk, or an eagle, or something
with some talons?
That'd be awesome. You mean, something
like big game even like a gorilla...
Yeah. Gorilla!
- Or rhinoceros...
- Rhino!
Or a fucking human being?
That'll get you jacked up.
That's a little heavy.
I mean, like... you're hunting
a human being right now,
the most dangerous game.
Like a worthy adversary.
Not a human being that's armed...
- Oh, if he wasn't armed.
...but a clever... a clever human being
- who knows the jungle, or the woods.
- Or like a bad guy.
There's something not right
about these guys.
What do you mean?
- I mean, it's time to send them home.
- Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Just relax, I'm just gonna
scare them a little bit.
All right.
To the right!
- They got me!
- Oh, shit.
- They got me!
- Oh, shit.
Jesus!
- You okay, buddy?
- Oh, don't "okay, buddy" me.
Look, we just came by to say
we're gonna take a little bike ride
and then we're gonna come back
and check up on you.
And take care of him, okay? I want you
to get my little angel up and running.
- Hang in there.
- I hope you flip your bike over
and knock your two front teeth out,
you selfish son of a bitch!
You leave me in the trenches
taking grenades, John!
In the summertime
when the weather is hot
You can stretch right up
and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
you got women
You got women on your mind
Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see
what you can find
We're no threat, people
We're not dirty,
we're not mean
We love everybody, but we do as we
please, when the weather's fine
We go fishing or go sailing
in the sea
We're always happy
Life's for livin',
yeah, that's our philosophy...
- Tough luck, Ralphie boy...
- Randolph.
Shh. I'm watching
my stories, man.
Is that what
you get paid to do?
It's exactly what I get
paid to do.
Look, I want to know
where Claire is.
She took a bike ride
down to the beach.
With who?
With that fellow
from the wedding
that everyone seems
to be so fond of.
So you're a venture
capitalist?
What does that mean?
Oh, it's really not that
interesting, actually.
You don't sound
very enthused.
Oh, no, it's just...
you know, things
started happening
and you go down a road
and you think
it's just
for a little while.
And then you get
caught up in it
and you're
kind of into it
and just don't
even have time
to really ask questions about it.
And before you know it
you're living a life that you didn't set
out to, or that you intended to.
Do you know
what I mean?
Yes, I do.
I think that there's
some great things
that I'd like to do,
that-that maybe I'm
capable of, hopefully.
Oh, yeah?
Like what?
I don't know.
We'll see.
I'm still young.
Well...
you're not
that young.
I'm sorry.
Give me your hands.
I know this game.
Okay.
I'm not gonna bite you.
Do you want it full speed
or half speed?
Full.
You're never gonna hit me,
I don't think.
I'm pretty quick.
What?
- Let me get settled before you go.
- You didn't approve of that?
No, because
you're supposed to...
You gotta wait
until I put them back!
Come on!
So what about you...
with Sack?
Is that a good thing?
Yes, I think it's
a... good thing.
You don't sound
very enthused.
I am.
L... well, I mean,
I think I am, l...
I'm...
Okay.
I g... you know,
we've just been
talking so much
about the future lately
and, uh... I mean, I always assumed
that we would get married.
But, uh...
I'm scared.
I am.
But I think that
that's how everyone feels
before they're about to get married.
I mean,
don't you think?
Yeah, no.
Don't answer that.
That's my rationalization
and I'm sticking to it.
Fair enough.
And I don't mean to pry.
Yes you do.
Well, however it works out,
I hope you...
uh, I hope you realize
that you deserve
somebody great.
I have an announcement.
I know that we said
we were gonna wait, but, uh,
given the spirit
of this weekend
well...
Claire, come on.
Come on.
Come on come on, it's okay.
Come on! Come on.
Claire and I are
getting married.
Good, Sack.
That's wonderful!
- Wonderful.
- Wonderful!
Way to go, man!
Way to go!
Claire bear,
you never told me!
Two of the great
American families.
- Claire, you took us all by surprise!
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- You're good! You're good!
Can-can you just
give me one minute?
- Yeah!
- Okay.
Great.
Congratulations,
young man!
- Welcome to the family!
- This is wonderful!
Look, kid, I'm sorry.
You win some, you lose some, right?
- Let's go home.
- No, I'm not...
- I can't... I can't do that.
- What are you talking about?
Look, l-I think
I'm in love with her.
Yeah, l-l-I think...
I think that you're nuts.
That's what I think.
I'm gonna tell her
the truth.
Jesus Christ!
- Hey.
- Hey!
How are you!
Okay, listen, Gloria,
you know that I think
that you're an amazing person,
a really amazing person,
but I feel like I have
to be upfront with you.
L-l-I really don't see this relationship
going further than this weekend.
But I love you!
Yeah, I think you'll learn
as time goes on
that there's a difference
between infatuation
and love, you know?
Obviously, you're gonna have
strong feelings for me
because you lost
your virginity to me,
- but that doesn't mean...
- Oh, I wasn't a virgin.
- What?
- I wasn't a virgin.
Far from it.
I just thought that that's what guys
wanted to hear.
Come on.
Jeremy!
Wow!
Hello, son.
- You okay?
- Not now, Father, please.
No offense to you,
I think we might be
on different wavelengths.
I think you'd just be
spinning your wheels with me,
but, uh, have a little
of the sacrament here.
No one likes to drink alone.
We'll set you up.
There you go, get your hands on it.
Take it while it's hot.
Take it while it's hot. I'm gonna pour
till it's on the tray. Here it is.
Can I ask you
a question, Father?
Do you ever get horny?
I'm sure you do.
I just... in your position
you're not... right?
Isn't that you're not allowed to...
sleep with anybody, right?
Does that get
tough sometimes?
You ever pull
on yourself, or...
No.
Everything works?
Do you get swelled up still?
Yeah, of course.
- Well, what do you do?
- You pray.
Yeah, I pray, too,
you know what I mean?
I mean, I believed
that she was a virgin.
It hurts to be lied
to like that.
It's a horrible feeling
to feel that way.
But I, you know, was looking
to take advantage of something, too.
So could I really
feel that bad?
It's not like I was who I was.
You know what I'm saying? So, fair play.
And let's be honest
with each other here, okay?
Let's put all the cards on the table.
She's fit for a straitjacket.
This broad's fucked
three ways towards the weekend.
And you wanna know what?
I dig it! It turns me on!
Yeah!
It turns me on!
Because you wanna know
what the kicker is, Father?
Maybe I'm a little
fucking crazy!
That's right!
Maybe Jeremy's a little nuts.
Maybe there's something about me
that I'm a little cuckoo.
I know it's a surprise.
I know it's not on the surface.
I mean, I had an imaginary friend
when I was a kid. His name was Shilo!
We used to play checkers
with each other every day,
and bless his heart,
Shilo'd always let me win!
And that ain't normal!
There's something odd in that,
but maybe that's what it takes
to make you feel
like you're connected with somebody.
I don't know!
But I know when that redhead
starts getting kooky
that something about me
feels alive inside!
I'm diggin' talkin' with ya.
You're a really enlightened cat
and I like that about ya.
I think you're a special special man.
Okay, come in
for the real thing.
- Mmm? Mmm?
- Get in here for the real thing.
I love ya.
You're a sweet man.
Oh, dear God.
You can't marry this guy.
Why?
Because I've fallen
for you.
Oh, good news
travels fast.
Excuse me.
Sorry, thanks.
Thanks.
Trapster, talk to me.
No shit.
And do you maybe feel
the same way?
Maybe.
Maybe. That's all
I needed to know.
But this is crazy,
because I don't know any...
- Why?
- I don't know anything about you!
- What do you mean?
- You do investments in New Hampshire
and you have a crazy brother...
Well, actually, I need to talk to you about
that. It's not a big deal,
but maybe you want
to sit back on the swing.
Run!
Johnny! She's trying
to kill me!
- Grandma!
- Whoa whoa!
- Get the gun from her!
- Put the gun down!
- Mother, stop!
- This is the real world, lady!
You can't just go
shooting people on a whim!
- What did you do?
- I told you that in confidence!
- That was a confession!
- What are you talking about?
Why don't you
tell her, John?
- I don't know what's going on.
- You don't know?
- I'm playing catch up, too.
- I don't...
- Sack, what are you doing?!
- Remembering yet?
- You remember yet?
- Are you okay?
They're not who they say
they are, Claire.
- Those aren't even their real names.
- What?!
No, everything he told you
is a lie.
L-I don't understand
what you're saying.
Claire, they crash weddings.
They crash weddings
so that they can sleep with girls.
Everything that they have told us
is a complete fabrication.
No, you're joking.
All of it is a lie.
Don't you fucking get up.
- Sack, will you just stop?!
- Okay okay.
Is that true?
No, well, no, it's...
not entirely.
No, it's a yes or no
question.
I know,
but it's complicated.
Yes or no?
Yes or no?
Yes...
- with shades of grey.
- Oh.
I'm not perfect,
but who are we kidding?
Neither are you.
And you wanna know what?
I dig it!
Jeremy tried
to seduce me!
You did?
I want my
painting back.
The painting was
a gift, Todd.
I'm taking it with me.
You had me going, son.
I thought it was
something special.
There's a ferry
leaving in minutes.
I suggest
you be on it.
Come on, let's go.
I want you.
I love you.
He made a fool
out of you, Claire.
Come on, let's go.
Sweetheart.
Now bunch those panties up
into a little ball.
Put that little ball
right in your mouth.
- Oh, that's good.
- Hang up the phone.
Okay, and I will definitely call you
back later then.
- Come on, wrap it up.
- Talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
What the fuck?
You can't knock anymore?
- I know how I can get to her.
- What?
I know how I can
get to Claire.
Oh, John, you gotta
drop this thing.
I'm... I can't do this
anymore with you, okay?
It's been several months,
and you haven't heard anything from her.
She hasn't returned
your phone calls,
she's never responded
to one of your letters,
- she didn't respond to the candygram.
- Right.
God knows what happened
to the little kitten that you got her.
Because she didn't keep it and I know
you're not raising that goddamn thing.
- Okay.
- I think it's very obvious
at this juncture that she just flat out
does not wanna see you.
I disagree. Now look, they're having
the engagement party
for her tonight at the beach club.
We're going at : .
I'm not g...
John, I can't...
Okay okay, listen to me,
Tasmanian devil.
- Listen to me. I can't go.
- Why?
'Cause I can't go, because I have
a schedule. Because I have...
What is your deal?
What is your problem?
For the past couple of months
you've been a ghost.
I can't find you anyplace,
and now I come to you with an idea,
I put myself on the line,
you shoot it down with your negativity.
Your goddamn negativity!
I don't need it! I'm an idea man.
I thrive on enthusiasm. Don't take
the wind out of my sails. I need you.
Buddy, you know
I love you,
and I hate to see you
like this,
but we gotta look
at reality here.
There's gonna be Secret Service
at this thing. They have pictures of us.
There's not a shot in hell
we can get into this thing.
You're so cautious.
I'm more of a risk taker.
I'm two steps ahead of you
and steps ahead of Secret Service.
Oh, yeah. extra long,
baba ganoush special.
We're waiters!
Buddy, for your own good,
you gotta let this thing go.
Now, I'm gonna
meet you there at : okay?
Okay.
- Hey, how do I look?
- Good, man.
- Good.
- Where's your friend?
Late, as usual.
Is Claire...
- Oh, she's looking fine!
- Okay.
Next thing you know
they pick me up,
put me on the top
of this mountain
and they start chanting,
and I realized
they thought I was God!
And I'll tell you something,
I thought I was too.
Claire.
Let's dance.
You!
Okay, Sackmaster,
one more.
We should get back to the bar.
You're right.
You get near
my fiancée again,
I'll kill ya.
Did you check out
the rack on that bartender?
Hey, you're the Sack.
She'll come to you.
Oh my God, yeah, she will.
You're right.
Hey!
Everyone who's anyone
was there...
- God damn it.
- They all had something to share
About so-and-so
and on and on
I'm in the corner
speechless...
Perfect.
Johnny, wait a second.
Come on, John!
Oh, what time is it?
John, will you wait a second
so I can talk to you?
Hold on, man.
Will you stop? Stop...
I'm not gonna chase you
down the whole
fucking street, man.
Hold on a second.
Let me talk to you for a second here.
About what?
About how you left me high and dry
- to get my ass kicked by Sack again?
- Sack did that to you?
And how long have you been
sneaking around with Gloria
- behind my back?
- I wanted to tell you about Gloria.
I tried to.
I didn't know how.
And I'm sorry that you had
to find out this way.
I'll level with you.
I care about her a lot.
I love her.
What?!
You're unbelievable!
Judas!
Rule # .
You're an idiot.
You're wrong to pull out
the rulebook on this.
There was never any rules about this.
What's the rule
about walking away? Never walk away
on a crasher in a funny jacket.
Rule # .
You're an asshole.
I'm awake
You're still sleeping
The sun will rise
Like yesterday
Everything
That we are now
Is everything
We can't let go
It's gone forever...
This is John.
Whatever.
Hey, John, it's Jeremy.
Uh, just calling to see
what you're up to, uh...
would love to hear
back from you, man.
Play sharp.
And we'll do the wedding
in peaches and apricots.
Even though it's a June wedding,
should the weather turn nasty,
warm colors will
really help you.
Don't you go away tomorrow...
Johnny.
Johnny, open up, man.
Does anyone ever feel
like they're just...
disappearing?
I feel so much
like giving up.
Yeah!
Get it?!
Put your hands out
like this.
- Claire.
- Please.
Hi.
Thanks for coming.
- Hey!
- Get off her, man! What are you doing?
You're supposed
to move your hands.
You're not getting
enough attention?
Love doesn't exist!
That's what I'm trying
to tell you guys.
And I'm not
picking on love,
'cause I don't think
friendship exists either.
Hey! Yeah!
Are you okay?
Get up, buddy.
Move it on.
Gloria, I've been doing a lot
of soul-searching lately,
and l-I think
that I'm ready
to take, um,
this relationship,
our relationship
to the next level.
To what the next level
of the... of the...
of the relationship
would be.
- Jeremy!
- Is that good?
I'm so ready to take
it to the next level too.
Do you want to watch me
with a girl?
What about those Brazilian twins
we met at the ballgame?
L-I was... I was...
I was thinking
more along the lines of an... of an...
of an engagement.
But that sounds terrific.
That sounds... that sounds unbelievable.
The Brazilian girls were very nice.
They seemed like...
Oh, Jeremy, I do!
- I love you.
- I love you.
L-I can't believe that
they're getting married.
I mean don't you-you think
that's really soon?
Well, you know Gloria.
She's impetuous.
Has to have what she wants
when she wants it.
Well, we had to give her
a Sweet
on her th birthday.
You remember that.
Yeah, I remember,
but this is...
Dad, this is marriage!
When you know what you want,
you know what you want.
So...
which of these
do you like?
Um...
well, I could... I could go with the tall
tapered arrangement
with, uh, tulips
and freesias and orchids,
or I could go
with a votive
of roses and lilies,
I don't know.
- Claire bear.
- Yeah?
What's wrong?
Look...
we have no way
of knowing
what lays ahead for us
in the future.
All we can do is
use the information
at hand
to make the best
decision possible.
It's gonna be fine.
- Your whole life is gonna be fine.
- Yeah.
Happy birthday.
Can't let a little pissing and moaning
break tradition.
Oh right,
that's today.
I see you've been getting
into a little light reading.
That's not mine.
I bought that for a friend.
Yeah.
So how have you been?
- Great. Really spectacular.
- Good.
- What have you been up to?
- Eh, you know,
this and that.
Crashing weddings.
- Alone?
- No, not alone.
Well, who have you been
crashing with then?
Chaz.
- Chaz?
- Chaz.
- John, you don't even know Chaz...
- Yes, I do.
He's a great guy.
We've been having a ball together.
All right, look,
I wanted to come by here
and tell you that I feel really bad
about everything that's happened
between us.
Your friendship means
a lot to me.
I miss seeing you.
I know, l...
look, I'm...
I'm happy for you.
I'm glad
you found someone.
I can't tell you
how glad it makes me
to hear you
say that, man.
Get on in here,
let the big bear
get his paws on you.
You know I love you.
- It's good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Are you sure you've been...
this does not look like a guy
- who's been okay.
- Oh, I know.
- It's like a pigsty.
- It's like a mosh pit in here.
Listen,
I'm getting married.
- Get out.
- What?
You just sat there and said that you
were happy for me, that I'm...
I'm hanging by a thread.
I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
- You said that the book wasn't yours.
- Don't worry about the book.
It isn't mine,
but I glanced at it.
John, you've been
my friend
for years.
I'm getting married.
I need you there
to be my best man.
Kindly leave!
- I'm try...
- Kindly leave.
Would mean a lot to me
if you came.
Oh, I bet it would,
hillbilly.
What?!
- White trash!
- What are you talking about?
Out! Out!
You better get your ass
to that wedding.
- Yeah?
- Hi, is Chaz here?
Chaz, there's someone
here to see you!
Pick up your
fucking skateboard!
Chaz?
What the fuck
do you want?
I'm John Beckwith.
I'm friends
with Jeremy Grey.
God damn it,
why didn't you say so?
Come here, brother!
Give me a hug.
Bring it in
for the real thing!
Have a seat. Yeah.
God damn you!
I almost numbchucked you,
you don't even realize.
Ouch!
- Yeah.
- Hmm.
- Is this your place?
- No. No no no no no.
- No, I live with my Ma.
- Oh.
Yeah. You hungry?
Hey, Ma! Can we get
some meatloaf?
Chaz, I think I'm okay.
I had a bite
- right before I came over. Thank you.
- You sure?
- So, how's my protegé?
- Jeremy, boy, he...
Yeah, J-bone.
J-bone is... believe it or not,
he's getting married.
What?!
What an idiot!
Oh, what a loser!
Good good!
More for me and you.
More for... more for...
I gotta go.
Hey, babe, yeah.
You do whatever
you have to do.
- Thanks.
- Okay, be strong.
I'm just
living the dream!
That's unbelievable.
Oh, man,
I feel like, "Wow!"
It's like I come over,
I don't know what to expect.
I gotta be honest,
I come in, it's like,
a little like I'm trying to get
my bearings.
There's cartoons, your mom,
and it's like, you still got it!
Look at her!
"Just living the dream,"
I love that!
You know what? I will have some
meatloaf. Let's have some meatloaf.
You want some?
I knew you'd come...
Hey, Mom!
The meatloaf!
We want it now!
The meatloaf!
What is she doing? I never know
what she's doing back there.
"Just living the dream."
Where did you get that girl?
- She's hot!
- I got her yesterday.
- Yesterday?
- Yeah.
I rode my bike over
to a cemetery nearby.
Her boyfriend just died.
- You met her at a funeral?
- Yeah.
The dude died
in a hang-gliding accident.
What an idiot!
"Oh, I'm hang gliding!
Honey, take a good picture...
I'm dead!"
What a freak!
You met her at a funeral.
Yeah, I'll throw in a wedding
every now and then,
but funerals are insane!
The chicks are so horny,
it's not even fair.
It's like fishing
with dynamite.
- Horny?
- Yeah, crazy horny.
I just...
at a funeral?!
Grief is nature's
most powerful aphrodisiac.
Look it up.
- I didn't know that.
- That's what I've learned.
Ma, the meatloaf! Fuck!
Saturday...
I got one Saturday.
You're coming with!
Chaz, I'm...
I'm sorry, I don't...
I'm not judging you, 'cause I think
you're an innovator, but...
there's no way
I'm ready for that.
A time to plant,
and a time to pluck up
that which is planted;
A time to kill
and a time to heal;
A time to break down
and a time to build up;
A time to weep
and a time to laugh;
- A time to cast away stones...
- So senseless.
Damn you, Roger.
Roger!
Damn you, Roger!
Damn it!
Damn you!
I'm in pain.
I'll try to fight it.
Try to fight it.
I don't know about you people,
but I'm in pain.
I know that there
is no good in them
for man to rejoice
and to do good in his life...
for that which befalleth
the sons of men,
befalleth beasts.
Even one thing befalleth,
as the one dieth,
so dieth the other.
Yea, they all have
one breath,
so that a man hath no preeminence
above the beast.
While each man thinks
he knows love,
love, we have learned,
is a mystery.
That's what makes today
so special.
We witness two people
choosing to marry
ones they truly love.
Whoa whoa, hey!
Hey hey!
He's the best man.
Yeah.
Thank you.
I don't believe this.
Hat in hand.
I'm sorry I'm late.
I'm glad you're here.
And-and I'm sorry
I called you white trash.
- I didn't...
- John, apology accepted.
And I'm sorry I called
you a hillbilly,
I don't even know
what that meant.
John, it's okay.
Do you mind
if I get married now?
No, go ahead.
Hi, Todd.
Although we may choose
whom we marry,
- we don't always choose...
- Psst.
Claire, I'm not here
to bother you,
I just came to be his best man.
Don't worry about me.
Pretend I'm not here.
Okay.
I'm not a nut.
You look really pretty,
by the way.
That's all
I'm gonna say.
I can't stop
thinking about you.
It's all I think about
and I don't know what to do.
- Ahem.
- I'm sorry.
That's what makes today
so special...
God, I miss you.
Okay, excuse me,
I'm sorry.
Claire, hold on a second.
Claire, Claire!
Claire, will you wait
just a second?
All I wanted was
a second alone
so I could try
to explain things.
But I've never gotten
that chance.
Maybe I don't deserve it.
So here goes.
For longer than I care
to remember,
my business has been
crashing weddings.
I crashed weddings
to meet girls.
Business was good.
I met a lot of girls.
And it was childish,
it was juvenile...
And pathetic.
Yeah, that's probably
the best word
to describe it.
But you know what?
It also led me to you.
So it's hard for me
to completely regret it.
And that person that you met
back at your folks' place...
that was really me.
Maybe not my name...
I'm John Beckwith
by the way... or my job,
but the feelings we felt
the jokes,
the stupid laughs...
that was all me.
I've changed.
I've realized something.
I crashed a funeral
earlier, and l...
Oh, Jesus.
It wasn't my idea.
I was basically
dragged to it.
I went with Chaz, who you forgot
to tell me is totally insane.
He also might be
a genius
because it actually does work.
He's cleaning up.
- John.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That's neither here
nor there.
And I see this widow
and she's a wreck.
She's just lost the person
she loves the most in this world.
And I realized
we're all gonna lose
the people we love.
That's the way it is.
But not me,
not right now.
Because the person I love the most
is standing right here,
and I'm not ready
to lose you yet.
Claire, I'm not standing here asking
you to marry me.
I'm just asking you...
not to marry him.
And maybe take a walk.
Take a chance.
Wow!
Wow!
This congregation
really doesn't care
about how depressing
your life is, John, okay?
Claire, baby, could you just...
could you go back up on the altar
so we can have
a wedding?
I'm sorry.
I am.
What?
I can't marry you.
Secretary...
your daughter's a little...
Sack, I've always
liked you...
so I put up
with your stories
about scallops
and otters,
and it's all good
because you seemed
to make her happy
and that's what matters
to me most.
But this is
her decision.
I stand by my daughter.
You don't know shit.
- Claire, go back up on the altar.
- No.
Claire! Claire, get up
on that altar right now.
- Stop it.
- Claire, get your fucking ass
- on that altar right now!
- Wow, getting a nice preview
or what marriage is gonna be like
with Ike Turner here.
- Sack!
- Oh God, here it goes.
Share that with
the Dalai Lama, jackass.
- I think I had him.
- I know you did.
Just go
kiss the broad.
Would it be a total cliché
if I kissed you right now?
Yes.
Just wonderful.
So damn beautiful!
With every death
there comes rebirth.
It's the circle of life.
We're gonna be
all right.
- So, what's next?
- I'm starving.
Fujimora wedding,
: P.M.
I'm just throwing it out.
I'm just saying, just...
They would have
great tempura.
We don't even have
a back story, I just...
- No, forget it, forget it.
- I'm talking out loud.
We're a folk-singing group
- from Salt Lake City!
- Yeah!
Yes we are.
In the morning
don't say you love me
'Cause I'll only kick you
out of the door
Stay with me...
Measure me
in metered lines
And one decisive stare
The time it takes
To get from here
to there
My ribs that show
through t-shirts
And these shoes
I got for free
I'm unconsoled
I'm Ionely
I am so much better
Than I used to be
And I'm leaning
On this broken fence
Between past
and present tense
And I'm losing
All those stupid games
That I swore
I'd never play
But it almost
feels okay
Circumnavigate
this body
Of wonder
And uncertainty
Armed with every
precious failure
And amateur cartography
I'm breathing deep
before
I spread those maps out
On my bedroom floor
And I'm leaning
On this broken fence
Between past
and present tense
And I'm losing
All those stupid games
That I swore
I'd never play
But it feels okay
And I'm leaving
With goodbye
And I'm losing
But I'll try
With the last ways left
To remember sing
My imperfect offering.
Sailing on this boat
away tonight
Thinking I might drown
if the waves aren't right
Wind pushing me
from side to side
And I'm thinking
Of what I had
And my sweetheart
And my sweetheart
And if I never see you
Again
I just want you to know
What I think
Sunday took me out
for a walk in the park
And as the dark ran round,
the track lights lit up
People running round
in their shorts in the rain
Again
And again
Thinking that you're
my sweetheart
You're my sweetheart
I can hardly see
the road
But I'm gonna try
Yeah, I'm gonna try
'Cause you're
my sweetheart
You're my sweetheart
And if I never see you
Again
I just want you to know
What I think
If you've got to run
Yeah, I'll be there
If you've got to run.
Now Kiri waits it out
But she's only young
enough for some things
Healing the sick
and dumb
And low on the radar,
the smoking gun
We're moving fast enough
to function
Fast enough
to function
Maybe it's me
'Cause I seem to think
in twos and threes
You find your open door
And through the skids
I sail
And keep that love
Underground