Voila! Finally, the Whole Ten Yards
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Bruce Willis, Matthew
Perry, Amanda Peet, Kevin Pollak, etc. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Whole Ten Yards. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Janni, Jimmy, get in here now!
I'm so tired of all the fighting.
You have no idea!
- He hit me first.
- He hit me first.
- Liar!
- I don't care who started it.
It has to stop.
I need you two to get along.
You understand that one day...
...you will inherit my empire, yes?
- What's an empire?
- Shut up.
This will remind you that you
are two halves of one.
Together, you are more powerful
than apart. Yes?
What does this mean?
One day, you will find out.
Hey, seņor.
- Freeze!
- Hi, honey.
Just vacuumed this rug, okay?
I got it all even.
Take your shoes off, please.
You know the rule.
Now, please, try not to scare Blanche.
Don't clunk. You're scaring her!
Look, you scared Blanche now, Jill. Jill!
Be done in a minute. Don't go in.
There's a surprise in there! Don't look.
Okay.
Finished it up today.
It's all our favorite hit men.
All our favorite hits.
Now, I don't think you ever met
Tony "The Tooth." Capped him in Chicago.
I even got the hole in his head where
I whacked him with a -iron.
Santo "Three Fingers." Remember
the rat that wouldn't shut up?
And, of course, Frankie Figs.
Who could forget Frankie Figs?
"Oh, wow, Jimmy, you shot me."
- Poor Frankie.
- Jimmy.
- What?
- We need to talk.
I mean, I...
I just wanted everything to be perfect
for when the baby came. That's all.
That's what we need to talk about.
So how did the hit go?
- Good.
- Really?
- So you let him get away.
- No!
- Then he's dead?
- Yeah.
- Then what is it?
- I didn't kill him.
- But he is dead.
- At first, everything went smooth.
I did everything you said.
I had the taxi, I had the flowers.
Nobody even notices me.
I could have been invisible.
You have a problem getting in?
Oh, honey, I finally used my lock-pick set!
Like this, I was in there and
I'm waiting and I'm poised...
...I'm cool as a cucumber. All of a sudden,
the frigging guy's phone rings.
You flinched.
- I whip my gun around...
- You flinched!
...and I knock over his tomato sauce.
You must stay focused when
you are killing a person!
Then I've got this whole big mess.
The more I try to clean up,
the worse it gets.
Tomato sauce is a tough stain to get
out. You need a good grease cutter.
Then finally, I hear the
guy's key in the lock.
Now, let me guess:
your shotgun's out of reach.
So now I gotta think fast.
So I go for my gun...
...he slides across the floor and, well...
I would go into detail, but let's just say...
...he left the building.
I gotta say, if the guy's dead,
we gotta put this in the win column.
Same thing with Spiegelman.
He fell down an elevator shaft.
But you were running right
behind him just before he fell.
But I just wanna shoot someone!
All right, now. All right, now, baby.
Murdering another human being
can be a very moving experience.
Listen.
I got an idea.
What do you say we go and kill
somebody, just us?
We'll find some drunk tourist, take him to
the beach and put three in his coconut.
What's your favorite gun?
- A. .
- Great.
We'll make a big mess.
How does that sound, baby doll?
My roast.
- This isn't working.
- Oven's working fine, Jill.
No, this, this, Jimmy.
I married a contract killer,
not Martha Stewart.
Hey, I am in disguise, okay?
Yeah, well, your disguise is dumb.
I mean, look at yourself.
And what are you doing in disguise?
Everyone thinks you're dead.
Well, you never can tell, can you?
You are gonna sit and enjoy this meal.
I got this recipe from
Mrs. Sanchez next door.
This is a cilantro reduction.
Hey, watch your fingerprints!
- I spent the whole morning scrubbing.
- There is something wrong with you.
Hey, there is nothing wrong with me.
There is nothing wrong with me.
Every man that has an ongoing
sexual relationship...
...experiences certain peaks and valleys
within his male libido from time to time.
Last time we saw a peak was almost a
year ago, Mr. Jimmy "The Tulip" Tudeski.
We're in a valley. We're below
sea level. We're under the water.
The Tulip has:
Jimmy the Tulip is alive and well.
I'm not so sure. I saw a doctor in L.A.
This is a cilantro reduction.
You marinate the meat
in tequila for / hours...
...and it melts...
- Are you listening?
He said it wasn't me.
Jill, please just come eat.
I have been cooking all day.
Jimmy!
You might be shooting blanks.
This is not a dumb disguise.
Now, come eat.
Think fast!
- Strabonitz!
- Papa.
This is the best birthday present
I could ever have.
Come here. My big boy,
giant in the family.
- It's a beautiful day, no?
- Yes.
No?
No.
"No" meaning "yes."
"No" meaning "yes."
- Get in the car, I'm starving!
- All right.
If I don't eat soon, I'll pass out.
Hello, birdie. Tweet, tweet, my friend.
Tweet, tweet.
- Babe, you look hot.
- Oz, knock it off.
Just checking out the gyroscopic swivel pan
mechanism. You know, the new one.
You checked it three times already this
morning. Nobody is coming, Oz.
- Knock it off.
- Okay.
I got it, honey!
- Who sent you?
- Buttercup Scouts of America.
What troop are you with?
- What?
- You heard me.
What's your den mother's name?
Carol?
Jesus, Oz, what the hell are you doing?
- She's a Buttercup Scout.
- I'm not buying this scout routine.
Besides, I think there's
something in her hand.
Cookies. Minty Thins.
This is Ellen Wasserstrom's daughter.
I told her mother
I'd buy cookies from her.
Putz.
- I heard that!
- Jag-off.
Well, that was a close call, huh?
Minty Thins are bad anyway.
They cause staining...
- You've really got to stop this now, Oz.
- I know.
Nobody is coming to get us. They can't
come and get us, because they're all dead.
- Or in jail.
- Right.
If you look at that monitor
one more time...
I'll be taking cold showers?
For starters.
You look very nice in that robe.
This will make you very happy. I think.
You think, huh?
Well, for starters, I hate the color.
So! You are the two that tried to muscle in
on my businesses while I was gone.
- No!
- Tell everyone that Lazlo Gogolak...
...is back in town.
How are they gonna tell
anyone when they're dead?
What?
Come here. I love you, boy.
Don't correct me. As a rule.
- What is that? Give it to me.
- Here, boss.
Oh, another surprise.
That was fun.
Oseransky.
- It's me.
- Oh, hey, Jill, how are you?
- How's your new dental assistant?
- Well, she's not trying to kill me.
Never forget the fun we had.
- Hey, listen. Can I ask you something?
- Sure, anything.
You think Jimmy and Cynthia talk?
What do you mean? Like you and I talk?
No, like, I mean, "talk" talk.
I don't understand. Why would
Jimmy and Cynthia be "talk" talking?
No, Cynthia would tell me.
She tells me everything.
- Why?
- He's acting like a fruitcake.
- What, he's killing people?
- I wish.
No, he's up to something. He's acting like
he's out of his mind, but I don't believe it.
Oh, jeez, a homicidal maniac acting
totally crazy. What a surprise.
- Jill!
- I gotta go, I'll talk to you later.
Yeah?
- So that's the one we're after?
- Yes.
Cost me to get,
you know, the dental work.
- To find out if it's him.
- Did you save receipts?
- No. What receipts?
- I'm kidding.
Nobody saves receipts anymore.
Don't worry. That's why it's funny.
It's funny. All right, so you go in
and you grab him.
- Yes.
- You go in...
And I...
And grab him.
- What do you do?
- I go in and I grab him.
Piece of pie.
- No, it's "cake."
- What did I say?
- Pie.
- And you said?
- Cake. No, it's pie.
- Piece of pie.
Cake.
Mr. White, how's that implant
treating you?
Okay.
So how are you? How you doing?
You're looking topnotch. Very stellar.
That's a nice sweater.
A burnt orange or...?
Hey, Dr. Oseransky,
your wife's on line one.
- Is she upset?
- You know what...
...I can't tell whether she's
laughing or crying.
I think she might be laughing.
- Okay, well, put her through, okay, Julie?
- Okay.
Here we go. A little nitrous for you.
Now, don't take this off
until I tell you.
You may enjoy that.
- Hi, honey, what's up?
- Got some news.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. We're pregnant.
What? We're pregnant!
What? When?
- Probably when you were on top of me.
- Or when you were on top of me.
- Doctor.
- Mrs. Himelfarb.
- Don't forget to floss.
- God, Oz, I love you so much.
Oh, I love you too. So you're not angry?
About me being pregnant?
No, about me almost shooting
a scout this morning.
Mrs. Havacamp.
- Forget that. I wanna see you.
- Oh, I wanna see you too.
I gotta go. So I'll meet you at your
favorite place. Okay, I love you.
Mr. White.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna bring somebody in
to do that for me. Okay?
He's not breathing. Call whoever deals with
that. I'm going to lunch with Cynthia.
. deals with that.
Call ... Hold on, please.
Why do I have a bad feeling about this?
This can't be good.
- It really is perfect now, isn't it?
- Yes.
- There's so much planning.
- I know.
So many things to buy.
We gotta get a crib, clothes.
- We have to redecorate the guest bedroom.
- I'll finally get to build that moat.
- What?
- Oh, no worries.
I've already checked with zoning.
Are you kidding? We're not building
a fricking moat in our yard.
This will go all around the perimeter.
- Oz, no. Don't ruin this moment.
- I'm not...
We're having a baby. Not now.
I mean, we're fighting now...
...but then we're gonna have a baby.
- Honey, I'm just trying to...
- Drive me insane.
Look, I don't wanna raise a child in an
environment of complete and total fear.
Fear? Who's talking about fear?
We're talking about a moat.
Just think of it as a
little, round swimming pool.
- You're afraid of everything, Oz.
- That is so not true.
- Thinking about me?
- Off and on. Yeah.
See the paper? Well?
- I'm a little nervous about this.
- There's nothing to be nervous about.
- What, is he driving you nuts again?
- Yes.
Sounds like you could use
a break. A little...
- Cahooting?
- I seem to remember...
...you were always good at cahooting.
I remember a time when your
middle name was danger.
Oh, Jimmy.
- Cynthia.
- I hate lying to Oz like this.
Oz can't know anything
about this. Are we clear?
We're clear. Does Jill suspect anything?
- Jill thinks I'm losing my mind.
- She's probably right.
- You still got the numbers, right?
- Of course.
- God.
- What?
You still sound so sexy on the phone.
- Listen, one more thing.
- Yeah?
What are you wearing?
It's not important.
All right, I gotta go.
- Game time.
- Good luck.
You're on.
"Honey, I'm sorry."
"Honey, I'm sorry."
Honey. I'm so sorry.
It's the idiot from under the table.
Honey?
Honey.
She not here.
Oh, my God.
Mr. White, what are you doing here?
If this is about the nitrous oxide
I gave you, I'm sorry.
Dentist, sit down.
Where... Where is my wife?
Your wife...
...is in a safe...
- My wife's in a safe?
Place. Safe place.
Let me finish a sentence.
I talk, you talk, I talk.
- That's how we should have a conversation.
- Okay, yes, good. Whatever you say.
How safe and for how long
is entirely up to you.
Would it be out of line
if I asked at this juncture...
...who you are and what
you're doing in my home?
I'm...
...flabbergasted.
- I'm sorry...
- Chagrined.
That you don't see the similarity
in the facial structure.
- And you guys just understand all of this?
- Do you remember Janni Gogolak?
Do you or don't you?
- What?
- Remember Janni!
- Yes, I remember Janni.
- Janni...
...was my son.
Oh, no, no. No, no, I know
what you're thinking.
- Yes, you do?
- I think I do.
You're like the Amazing Kreskin.
Well, you know all this, where it's going?
No, no, no, no. I just think...
I think that you think I killed
your son. I did not kill your son.
- Jimmy Tudeski killed your son.
- You know, I collect these.
- Really?
- Nope.
- Where is Jimmy?
- Jimmy's dead.
- Jimmy's dead. They're both dead.
- I'm bored.
Strabo, put one in his head.
Maybe that will help him remember.
- Papa...
- lf he puts one in my head...
...how will I remember?
- Shut up!
- I'll try that.
- Where's Jimmy? I know he's alive!
Mr. Gogolak, I don't know where Jimmy is.
Please. As far as I know, he's dead.
- Strabo.
- Strabo. Don't, Mr. White. Strabo!
Enough! Enough!
Are you kidding me? That's loud!
Come on, he's getting away.
Stop, stop. Why are you
shooting in a neighborhood like this?
Let everybody know we're here.
Go next door, show them the weapon.
- What are we gonna do, Papa?
- Relax.
The dentist will lead us to the rat.
It'll be maybe five more minutes.
maybe.
One second.
Dr. Oseranksy's office.
- Julie, it's Oz!
- Hey, doc. You sound frazzled.
- Are you all right?
- I am frazzled.
Just cancel my appointments for the week.
- You know how many people are here?
- Just cancel them!
- Okay, fine.
- Okay.
I got you.
- That was good one.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yermo, Zevo.
We're driving to Mexico in minutes.
Stop drinking or you'll get an IUD.
Cynthia, you have something to eat?
Nice of you to take interest in my health.
- Cynthia, take one. Eat.
- Thank you, Anya.
Mother, Mother, please, please. No.
Not now. It's nice.
- It's tough to eat with all the gas.
- I made it for her.
All right.
She's .
I love her.
- Let's get Jimmy! Bring around the car.
- I can't believe you think Jimmy's still alive.
You remember how his body was
identified? I do. Dental records.
- So?
- Sit down.
Your husband just happens
to be a dentist.
He and Jimmy are buddy-buddy.
- What's your point?
- Do the math!
Jimmy is still alive and
your husband, again, with him.
- How do you know where my husband is?
- That was simple.
- "LuJack."
- LuJack?
- In the Porsche.
- No, Papa.
It's... You say "LoJack."
See? LoJack.
- I didn't quite hear.
- Oh, LoJack.
Don't correct me.
Don't ever correct me!
You like getting hit?
You're a freak who enjoys pain?
- Of course not.
- Watch the broad!
Do you know how this works?
Thanks, I got it.
Hold still or you're gonna
look like a Hare Krishna.
That's funny.
- Are you okay?
- Am I bleeding?
- No. Hello.
- Jill!
- Who's that?
- I can't talk now.
Who is that? Give me the phone.
Give me...
Give me the phone.
- Who is this?
- Jimmy. Jimmy, hi, it's Oz.
- Oz? How the hell did Oz get our number?
- I don't know.
What did I tell you
about ever calling here?
I think you said something
about killing me...
Yes, killing me and beating me to death
with my own corpse. That's what it was.
Yeah, good memory. What do you want?
- I'm in Mexico.
- You're in Mexico?
I was thinking I would swing by...
If you come by this house, Oz...
...if you come within miles,
I will back a car over your head times.
Okay.
Hi, I'm a dead man.
Good talking to you.
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Stay away from the vehicle.
Get out of the car. Get out.
Jimmy! Jimmy, don't shoot,
it's me, it's Oz!
I know.
That almost hit me.
How you doing?
- Are you wearing bunny slippers?
- Stay away from my chickens, Oz.
Oh, my God. Oh, no. Blanche!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Blanche!
- Who's Blanche?
- Consuelo!
Xerxes! Alert the others,
there's been a tragedy!
Who's Blanche?
This is Blanche.
- You killed her.
- I'm sorry.
Go home, Oz. Go home before
something bad happens.
Something bad already has happened.
Cynthia's been kidnapped.
Poor Blanche. Cut down in her prime.
He names his chickens.
You name your chickens?
Blanche! You're dead!
Hey, Oz, you're here.
He killed Blanche.
- What are you doing here?
- I'd like to know. What are you doing here?
- Put a sock in it. We talk all the time.
- Jill.
Really. You talk all the time?
We spoke once. And I think it was mostly
about some kind of fruit.
- Are you alone?
- Yeah.
- You weren't followed?
- No.
- How would you know?
- Honey.
Well, now that he's here, he's staying
for lobster ā la Tudeski.
"Lobster ā la Tudeski"? I can't stay
for lobster ā la Tudeski.
- Lazlo Gogolak was at my house.
- Oh, my God.
- Am I setting a place or not?
- Yes, please.
- What is the matter with him?
- It's a long story. Talk to me.
Well, Cynthia's been kidnapped.
- Are you serious?
- Yes.
- Lazlo wants Jimmy's head for killing Janni.
- He came to your house?
Wouldn't this conversation be so much
better dining on my masterpiece?
What's wrong with him?
Are you crazy? Are you out of your mind?
They know you're alive.
- How would they know?
- They do.
Oh, look, honey, we have
a squealer in the house.
A squealer? I'm not a squealer!
I've never squealed on anybody.
How do they know, Oz?
They have Cynthia. I need your help.
- Yeah.
- And I'm your friend.
You know what, Oz?
Friendship is overrated.
I got enough friends. In fact, I'm thinking
about maybe losing a couple.
This could be great. A way
to get back in the game.
Yes, back in the game.
I don't wish to get back in the game.
I like cooking.
I like cleaning. And I like to decorate.
- We're talking about Cynthia here.
- Yes, Cynthia. Your ex-wife?
"Ex" would be the key word
in that sentence, Oz.
If you don't get off your ass
and help get Cynthia...
...I'll never talk to you again.
If you ever grab me like that again,
I will stick a knife in your face.
Is that clear?
We'll talk about it over dinner...
...which is probably ruined.
Go wash your hands.
We eat in minutes.
He's kidding.
You better go wash your hands, Oz.
Well, it really is a nice presentation.
It would have been,
if we hadn't let the sauce clot.
The potatoes were supposed to be floating
around the lobster, not just stuck like that.
I had this tricolore thing going on.
It looks great.
I would hate to think you were
placating me to talk about Cynthia.
No. No.
- Is that Hebrew?
- Yeah.
- Aren't you Catholic?
- Yeah. Devout.
- That makes sense.
- Oz...
...give us the lowdown on Cynthia.
She's pregnant.
Oh, my God! That's so great!
Thanks. The funny thing is,
we weren't trying.
Oh, my God, that's great.
- Any idea where they're keeping her?
- With Lazlo. What's the matter with him?
Nothing, don't worry. This is just
his way of expressing joy lately.
Oh, so this is how a
retired mass murderer acts.
This is how a retired mass murderer behaves
when people show up uninvited for dinner!
- Noted.
- Jimmy.
- How many goons does he have with him?
- Seven, eight.
- And his son.
- Strabonitz?
Well, should I go to the police?
Kidnapping would put him away forever.
He'd make her disappear to avoid
going back to the slammer.
Why are you asking me?
- This is Oz's problem.
- Jimmy.
You have to help me.
What, are you nuts? I got
a great thing going on down here, Oz.
Plus, I'm safe down here.
Besides, I don't care what happens
with you and Cynthia.
I'm not uprooting my life
to save your sorry ass.
Light it up like a piņata!
You told them where I live?
You're dead.
Told them where I live.
You're a dead man.
- Jimmy, are you coming or not?!
- You can run, but you can't hide!
Let's go!
Oz! Oz.
Put the...
Let's go!
You better run, tooth-boy.
I get a second, I'm gonna slice you up.
Anyone hit anything yet?
Let's go.
Will you come on?
This idiot. Will you come on?
Get up!
Go!
They're getting away!
Come on!
You're shooting at the house,
they're in the car. You had one shot.
All right, it was a nice shot.
It was. Come here.
It was a nice shot.
Nice shooting, honey.
Thanks, honey.
The sons of batches got away.
So do I clip her or not?
Keep Cynthia happy for the time being.
Can you do that?
Not likely.
Sick bastards!
What?! What is it? What?
Janni.
I want him dead.
Dead!
Yesterday!
Before breakfast!
Before eggs!
Scrambled.
I don't understand why
we have to dump my car.
It's not your business
to understand.
It's not my business to leave
my $ car in Mexico.
Maybe you got a plan there.
Take the car, lose the wife.
- Good plan.
- I'll get the tickets.
You do that, you squealer.
- I didn't squeal on anybody.
- The Gogolaks showed up on their own?
- Forget it, Jill.
- It means he's a rat and a liar.
You married someone in the
witness protection program.
You got a really funny way...
...of asking for help, squeal cheese!
- Please help me?
- Well, that's a little better.
But it still doesn't help, now that
the bad guys know where I live.
- You're spitting in my mouth.
- Just go and get the tickets, squeal weasel!
- How was that?
- It was good.
- Scary.
- Really?
Come here.
So, Oz, congratulations
on Cynthia being pregnant.
Thank you.
You think I'd be a good father?
- You don't think I'd be a good father?
- I didn't say that.
You didn't say anything.
No, I think you'd be a good father.
- I didn't understand what you were...
- Shut up.
- Why are we on this bus?
- Your car's got a GPS system on it.
I figure that's how Lazlo
tracked you down.
- That's what I'm hoping, for your sake.
- For my sake?
Yeah. Because if that's not the case...
...I'm gonna kill you.
- Right, baby?
- Yes, sirree, Bob.
- I wish Cynthia got kidnapped more often.
- Me too.
I'll just put my wife in danger whenever
you guys have problems in the bedroom.
What problems? What problems?
I didn't say anything.
Is this what you two talk about
on the phone behind my back?
How would you like it if I talked to Cynthia
behind your back? Sit down.
- You're causing a scene.
- You grabbed my face.
The front part of my head.
Yes?
He bought three one-way tickets to L.A.
Los Angeles? Interesting.
All right, so we cut them off at the piss.
Just like John Wayne,
we ride up over the hill.
You two in the Porsche. All right?
When we get to L.A., we strip it,
make a few dollars and then torch it.
But for now, you hot-wire it
and follow us. All right? Come on.
- Can we stop the horseplay for one second?
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Okay, so we had a car. My car.
My $ car.
Then we're on a bus.
And now we're renting a car.
This doesn't make any sense.
- It will.
- I ordered...
...a black cup of coffee, all right?
A black cup of coffee.
I screwed up. I apologize.
Well, do I have to wait another minutes
for your screwup? A black cup of coffee.
- I'll get a fresh cup.
- You're still standing there.
- You're still standing.
- I apologize.
Bye.
Hey, pal?
Why don't you give the girl a break.
She already said she was sorry.
- She's just working for a living.
- Right.
Why don't you mind your own business.
- Asshole.
- Oh, no.
Where was I?
I was just gonna remind you...
Now, son, you're never gonna be
as mean or rude...
...to a waitress or anybody that brings you
food like your dad just was, are you, son?
- No.
- Real good.
Eat all your corn. Grow up to be big
and strong like your Uncle Jimmy.
You see, Oz? I'd be a great father.
I just taught that kid
not to be mean to waitresses.
You know, we could
make this a real party.
- What, we need more balloons?
- Oh, Strabo.
I love your name.
No, Strabo, I mean, you and me...
...well, we could make this, you know...
...a fun party.
- Oh, you mean you and me...
- That's right.
- I've always had a little crush on you.
- I've always sensed that.
- You did?
- Yes.
- I guess Jimmy just moved a little quicker?
- Well, Jimmy is as good as...
And so you and the dentist...
Things not so well going?
To tell you the truth...
...I kind of miss the excitement.
And I like your hair that way.
- Long.
- You're making me blush.
That's good.
Give me one good reason to trust you.
- Well, I can give million.
- What?
- What are you talking about?
- Your father never told you?
What?
What's so funny?
What's so goddamn funny?
Strabo.
Your daddy thinks you're a moron.
- Anya!
- Coming.
Anya, you watch the broad.
- Where you going?
- I'm going to the bus station.
- Find Papa.
- My God.
Anya, can I use your bathroom?
Yes.
All right, I got your cream cheese
and scrambled egg.
- That leaves you with the tuna.
- I don't like tuna.
- Start liking it.
- Okay.
I thought of a reason
why you don't have to kill me.
What would that be, dentist?
What if they didn't trace me through my car?
That's a hell of a thing to hang my life on.
- Only thing to hang your life on is trust.
- You want mustard?
Yes, honey, thank you.
What, no Jewish prayer
before our ham and cheese?
You got a problem
with my religiosity, Oz?
Do unto others before you're
turned into a pillar of salt.
Exactly. Unless they're a rat.
Then you can shoot them in the eyes.
- A pillar of salt?
- That's right. Moses said that.
Read the Bible, Oz.
Eat up, dentist.
It could be your last meal.
If they don't show up,
you're gonna shoot me? Is that it?
- That's the size of it.
- And let Cynthia die too?
I told you before, I don't care
what happens to Cynthia.
Oh, yeah, sure. That's why you're still
wearing her crucifix around your neck.
No, wait. I'm sorry, what?
- What did you say was Cynthia's?
- Did I say something?
Two years we've been together
and you never mention...
...you wear a present from your ex-wife?
- It wasn't a present.
- Where's it from?
- I don't know.
It's Cynthia's. Her grandmother gave it
to her and she gave it to Jimmy.
You say you're not a squealer?!
Looks like you got a reprieve, Oz.
Oh, thank God the killers are here.
So check the bus?
As opposed to...
...just looking at the bus?
Yes, check the bus!
Let me out of here. Hey!
Let me out of here.
Come on. Open the door.
Perfect. Right on time.
Your wife's as good as home, Oz.
I know you're in here.
- Looking for me, Strabo?
- Oh, shit.
Anything tricky, I blow your ribs
across the parking lot. Let's go.
- The rat's not here.
- Not here.
The Jimmy...
...is watching me right now. I can feel it.
Hey, Lazlo.
- No, no, no.
- Look what I got.
- I'm sorry, Papa.
- Man, did you get old.
- I like the whole Liberace thing, though.
- How long you think you can hide from me?
Where are you going with this?
I'll call you to tell you where we'll
make the exchange with Cynthia.
Any of your knuckleheads follow this car,
I start throwing out body parts.
Feet first.
You harm...
...one hair on his head...
If they have Strabo, who has girl?
Answer. Answer, Mother.
You okay, darling?
- What's up, Jill?
- Nothing.
Open the trunk.
Don't even think about it.
Thank you.
- I think you nicked his head there.
- I'm sorry. I didn't see you.
- What is your problem, Jill?
- Nothing.
- I don't have a problem.
- Good.
Why don't you go and check us in.
Okay.
I wouldn't mind you wearing it,
it's just so ugly.
- Just throw it away.
- I can't.
- You still have feelings for her?
- It's sacrilegious.
- Why not give it back to her?
- I haven't seen her since my nickel in Joliet!
Where does he get sayings like that?
We aren't gonna talk much, are we?
There is something
really wrong with you, Jill.
- You're still in love with her.
- That's insane. Isn't it?
- Why don't you let me take it...
- Tell you what:
- Jimmy, Jimmy.
- I love you, Jill.
But if you touch this crucifix,
I'll kill you. That's a promise.
This is my good luck charm.
I take it off, I'm jinxed.
Wanna see me dead, Jill?
Do you?
Sometimes, yeah.
- I'm going to check in.
- Can you believe this?
- Well, percent of couples at some point...
- You know, you've got a very long face.
Like a goldfish...
...or a Shetland pony or something.
- Bring Strabo, Oz.
I gotta have you...
Where is she?
Look, how nice. Everybody is still here...
...having a little repast. Isn't that lovely?
Where else would I be?
I don't know.
One would venture a guess.
A question could be asked:
where have you been?
Big loft, very drafty. I understand.
Get me Figueroa on the phone!
Mr. G., Frankie Figs is dead.
How sad for him.
Try calling the one who's still alive!
Jill. Come on, open the door.
Jill!
Jill, will you come on? Be sensible.
Apologize.
Jill, honey, I'm sorry
I pointed a gun at your face...
...and said I was gonna
blow your brains out.
Okay? I didn't mean that.
- Come on, knock it off.
- I will when you get rid of that crucifix.
This cross represents my Lord and Savior.
The baby in the manger.
I throw it away...
...I go to hell!
- Coming from a man who's killed people.
- Twenty-one? That's impressive.
- It is, isn't it?
Two years, I've been begging you to go
back to work. Cynthia gets kidnapped...
...you're off to the races!
Off to the races?
"Apologize, then she'll come right out."
Squeal bag! Squealster!
Remington Squeal!
See what you got me into? Get over here
and you help me out of this jam.
You better make it good.
Snoodster? Hon?
You're gonna be hearing
from somebody else now.
Jill? Scooster?
Snoodster.
I think you're being a little unreasonable.
When he pulled a gun on you...
...that was pretty funny.
Oz, nobody's talking to you.
Hey, you take it easy on Oz, okay?
He's a doctor.
- People see him when they have problems.
- People see him when they have plaque.
- He's a wonderful dentist.
- Pipe it, toughie.
I promise I'll shoot you. Frankly, I don't care
whether we get Cynthia back or not.
Well, that's a bad...
- Oh, trouble in the bedroom?
- What'd you just say?
- Nothing.
- Excuse me, please.
Did you tell him that?!
Did you tell him that, Jill?!
A few moments of erectile dysfunction...
Just a few, really.
- And I'm not a man now? Is that it?
- Stop kicking.
If you didn't love her, you'd take it off.
- Is that it?!
- Excuse me.
Can we please call Lazlo
and make the switch for Cynthia?
No. I'll tell you why we can't do that!
Because that would involve me talking to
my wife, which I am never gonna do again!
I'm going to get drunk.
- You believe this?
- Well, erectile dysfunc...
Shut up. I'm gonna
go get Jimmy. Will you...
...watch Strabo for a while?
- Eat shit.
How can he get drunk at a time like this?
Maybe this whole "erectile misfiring"
is God's way of punishing me.
He sees all things great and small.
You know, I've done
some very bad things. I lie to Jill.
I don't take the trash out.
- I killed people.
- Actually, .
- Who'd I forget?
- Frankie Figs.
This is it. This is the reason that God
does not want me to father a child.
He does not want me to spread my seed.
God is counting my seed, Oz.
He's probably up in heaven right now...
...counting my little seeds. ...
... ...
- Stop, stop! Stop counting your seed.
I don't think God is keeping an eye
on your sperm.
What kind of a job is that for God?
It'd take him all day. I'm gonna throw up.
Fine. Throw up.
Go ahead, you have your fun.
- What about me?
- Why don't you just consider adopting?
Come on, Oz.
How many adoption agencies
are gonna give a kid to a professional killer?
- You may have a point there.
- Maybe I could just steal a kid.
They're small. How hard can that be?
That's the thinking
you gotta get away from.
But I'd be a great father, Oz.
I would. I'd be a great dad.
I'd teach the kid how to play baseball.
- I've always been good with a bat.
- True.
And, I mean, when I was kid,
I had this cool little slingshot, right?
And I could make a slingshot
for my little boy.
And I could teach him how to use it.
And if he couldn't get it right away...
...I'd be patient. I wouldn't yell at him.
I wouldn't make him cry.
Jimmy, there's a lot of people looking.
Things with the husband
not so well going?
I was thinking...
...if you were to have sex
with another man...
...it would make Jimmy jealous.
Oh, yeah?
- Like with who?
- Well, let's say...
...with me, for example.
You look good with a gun.
Did you have a good relationship
with your father, Oz?
- We were like pals.
- Like to kill my father.
Like to take an ice pick
and stick it right in his eyeball.
Still wanna throw up.
Can you help me?
Can you tell me? I mean, what the...?
What the hell is going on here?!
Why are we all on this big,
spinning ball that we call Earth?!
Why? Why?
You ever hear of avoidance behavior?
I don't wanna talk about that...
Let's talk about avoidance behavior.
Like sitting here in a bar...
...drinking shots instead of saving Cynthia?
- She'll be fine, Oz.
- What do you mean?
- I'll tell you one thing:
I am not gonna go out there
and risk my ass for my wife...
- My wife!
- Whatever!
I'm not risking my ass before I get
a few things off my chest.
Fine. Say them. What do you wanna say?
- You know I was a bed wetter?
- You don't do it anymore, do you?
At I saw my dad
naked in the shower.
Well, that's probably why you wet the bed.
Very Freudian. Jungian.
- We had some great times.
- You and your father?
No! Me and Cynthia!
- That's almost vomit.
- What was it like when Cynthia told you...
...she was pregnant?
- Oh, well, that was a beautiful moment.
- She's got a great rack, doesn't she?
- I'm sorry?
I mean, she was so wild.
So wild. I mean...
...one time we wrecked
an entire suite at the Hotel Drake.
- Seven thousand dollars' worth of damage.
- Let's stop talking about you and my wife.
I mean, we didn't
come out of the room for four days.
But I don't gotta tell you, do I?
You're married to her,
you lucky son of a bitch.
- What is this thing?
- What we've been building.
- Get it out of here!
- Why?
Because I hate it!
It makes me sad.
What's happening?
What's happening now?
Where are you going now?
Check.
Good morning...
What the hell is this?
Just give me five more minutes, baby.
You are really noisy in the morning.
Jimmy, what the hell happened
last night?
And why does my ass hurt?
- You fell down the stairs.
- Oh, good. So nothing happened.
Of course not. Not really.
- What does that mean?
- We were just a couple of guys...
...helping each other out. That's all.
- I'm sorry, but what does that mean?
It was a really magical night, Oz.
Don't ruin it.
- What is it now?
- That thing.
- Oh, this?
- I knew it.
- Oh, my God.
- You guys enjoy your slumber party?
This is not what it looks like. Right?
- Where's Strabo?
- He got away.
- I'm kidding. He's right here.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna put some clothes on.
- You want some help?
- I think I'm fine. Thank...
- A little male bonding?
- Just like C block, huh, Strabo?
I fell down the stairs, Strabo.
Going out to get some coffee.
I should probably
put some clothes on first.
Yeah.
- Hey, Oz, can you come in here for a sec?
- Yes.
Listen, that was not what you...
Let me close that.
Why are you bottomless?
I hated that skirt.
- You don't like that shirt too?
- Came with the skirt.
I see. I mean, I really see.
What are you doing?
Oz.
You like my perfume? Smell it.
- I've been a little stuffed up, feeling nasally.
- Smell it.
Yes. Yes, I do.
It's...
You like my bra?
This... Here it is. It's a purple shirt.
- Give me your hand.
- What are you gonna do...
Give it!
Feel my heart.
I don't think that's your heart.
Isn't your heart in between all that?
My heart is broken.
Can you feel that?
Yes. Yes, I do. Yes, I...
It's so broken, Oz!
- Jill!
- Oz!
- I'm so sad. Oz!
- Don't be sad.
What's all this?
First my ex-wife and now my wife-wife.
No, no, no. She just hated her outfit.
- He wants to talk to you for a second.
- No, you.
I've been waiting a long time for this, Oz.
Oz? I think Oz is gonna be out
for a good half-hour, minutes, Jill.
I didn't... I just...
Jimmy, I...
You do love me, don't you?
Up on your toes. Stand up.
Come on, tippy-time, tippy-time.
- Why can't I stay in here?
- There you go. Sit down.
Read a nice book.
Oh, God!
- Yeah, baby!
- That feels so good!
She just hated her outfit.
Yippee ki-yay!
Yeah!
You believe I fell down the stairs, right?
What stairs?
- Hello?
- Bring me the phone.
- Put Liberace on.
- Is this who I think is this?
- Back from the dead?
- Yeah, Lazlo, skip the formalities.
Call you at : and tell you
where we'll make the exchange.
Well, it better be on the dot
or I start cutting off the batch's fingers...
...one at a time! Wouldn't that be nice...
...to get little pieces of the girl?
One, two, three...
...little tiny pieces.
- Drop dead.
- What'd he say?
- He said hi.
- We'll need more firepower.
- I got guns. All you need.
Oz, you stud.
- Here they are. What do you think?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God, you have an H and K MP K.
- Can we hurry? It's almost .
We're gonna be fine.
Oh, wait, can I see this?
- Allow me. I got it.
- Okay.
Gotta be careful with these things.
I got it.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, topnotch.
It's almost . We've gotta
load them up and move them out.
- Don't screw around.
- Careful.
- All right.
- There.
I got it. I got it.
Hold on, Oz.
Would you be careful of the fixtures?
I hurt the side part of my head.
Nice guns. Put them in the back seat.
You made her carry all the guns, Oz?
Okay, can we call Lazlo? It's after .
Jimmy, you're late.
Bring Cynthia to the Beverly Center.
- Meet at the food court in an hour.
- I wanna talk to my son.
You're gonna have to
hold on a minute.
- Go get Strabo.
- I'll get Strabo.
- I just said that.
- Right.
Go.
Strabo.
Damn it!
I can't find Strabo.
I think he's gone.
- What?
- He's not where we left him.
Hold on.
What do you mean?
I'm holding, I'm holding.
There's just pieces of wood...
- Where the hell is Strabo, people?
- In the trunk.
Okay. How did Strabo
get in the trunk, Oz?
- I don't know.
- Well, get him out.
- Where are the keys?
- In here, with me.
- It keeps getting better.
- Why's he in the trunk?
I don't know! You were
supposed to be watching him!
Tulip!
- Hold on, Lazlo.
- All right, you know what?
No more holding.
Put my son on the phone now!
- Your son's...
- Strabonitz?
- Your son's in the trunk right now.
- The trunk? I wanna talk to my son!
Strabo, your father
wants to talk to you.
What?
- Did you get the gist of that?
- Yes.
You locked my son in the trunk?
No, no, sir. No, sir.
He locked himself in there.
This I believe. Fine.
You have a spare key?
- A spare key?
- No. Car Ranch Rentals only gave us one.
- Negative on the spare key.
- What about a locksmith?
- Do you know of one in the area?
- It's your town, dentist.
You should know where a...
Fine, you know what, Mr. Brain?
The trunk release button,
how about that?
Every car since has
a trunk release button.
Find it, open the trunk
and let my boy out.
There's a button on the driver's side.
Every car since ...
We kill them the moment we
see them. In the head.
- I can't find it.
- What kind of piece of shit car is this?
- Well, Car Ranch Rentals.
- It's a hitter!
- A hitter. Lazlo's got a hitter on us.
- Did you hire a hitter?
Did I? I don't remember, really.
- Is someone shooting at you?
- Your hitter is hitting at us!
That's bad. My son is there!
- Tell the hitter to stop.
- Your boss says to stop.
- His son's with us. Stop!
- This is Lazlo.
- Stop shooting!
- That's a direct Hungarian order!
Let me find speakerphone.
- Cease fire!
- What's going on? Talk to me.
He's not listening to you.
Well, you should fire him.
- Are you kidding?
- That was me.
- Try not to shoot Oz, honey.
- Yeah.
Let's go, kids!
Get up!
You are in no danger.
If she moves,
put your cane through her eye.
Unbelievable.
- How did you do that?
- Every car since ...
...had a little button right here.
All right, come on out of there...
- What is this?
- That's a dead hostage, Oz.
- That is what that is.
- That can't be good.
No, you're right. That's not good.
It looks like he got shot in the foot.
Who dies from a shot in the foot?
He probably got shot when
the hitter was shooting.
That's really great. Well done, Jill.
Hey, look, shit happens.
That's right.
Shit happens, to you.
All the time!
You know why? Because you don't
follow the ABC's of killing.
- There's an ABC's of killing?
- Shut up!
How was I supposed to know
he'd climb in the trunk?
- That's a good question.
- I mean...
I know! How about you
just watch him...
...and you don't let him
climb in!
I am a professional marksman.
It's not my job to babysit...
You know what? I think
you have to hit something...
...to count as a marksman.
- Ozzie. Harriet.
Can we stop fighting and go get my wife?
Well, you can just forget about
that, Oz. Cynthia is as good as dead.
- What? Don't say that.
- I am saying it.
She's as good as dead.
We have nothing...
...thanks to Jill. Look at this guy.
- Don't pin this on me!
If I'm a screwup,
what are you doing with me?
You know what?
That's a really good question.
I'm out of here.
Well, you're not going, are you?
Hold on a minute.
You're gonna need the keys.
- Bye-bye.
- I'm serious.
If I get in that car, you're
never gonna see me again.
Careful backing out, hon.
Let's go.
Bag.
Why don't you take your pal Strabo
with you. Remember him?
The Hungarian mobster
that you let die?
He's sorry. He's very sorry!
She's coming back. I mean,
she's gonna come back, right?
- I don't think so.
- Oh, well, this is just great.
What are we gonna do now?
You know what? I'm gonna leave.
You're on your own, Oz.
I thought we were friends.
Well, that's what you get
for trusting a contract killer, Oz.
You son of a bitch.
You can't do this to Cynthia. Okay?
Not okay. Your darling Cynthia's
not completely innocent in all this, Oz.
- What? What does that mean?
- Shit, shit, shit! Jill took my bag!
So?
- So there was something really important...
...in the other bag, okay, Oz?
Great.
- Hello.
- Dentist, you hung up on me.
- Are you insane?
- Lazlo.
- Hey, there was a button in the trunk.
- That's great news.
- Put my son on the phone, damn it!
- He's...
We're gonna have to
push back that meeting, Lazlo.
No, no. No pushing.
Put him on the phone.
I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you.
There seems to be a little static.
- Are you going through a canyon?
- Am I going through a canyon? No.
Hello?
- Hello?
- Lazlo? Lazlo?
Dentist! Can you hear me?
You're seconds from dead.
Strabonitz.
Hey, Jill.
- It's me. How you doing?
- Let me ask you something.
If you hadn't taken the wrong bag,
would we be talking?
- Are you mad or something?
- Get real.
- I mean, seriously.
- No.
All right? You happy now?
I chased you away
so I could protect you, Jill.
- I don't know why you don't believe that.
- I don't believe you.
- Jill.
- I don't trust you.
How am I supposed to have a kid
with somebody I don't trust?
Forget it. I don't even know if
I wanna have a kid with you anymore.
Hold on a minute.
I think that if I were pregnant
right now, I wouldn't even tell you.
If you had a son and l...
And you were his mom and I was his dad...
...you wouldn't let me see him?
- Not once.
- Don't say that.
- Take it back right now.
- I'm not.
You better tell me everything now
or I'm not gonna help you.
How far back does this thing go?
Like a couple days or something.
You're so full of it.
You're gonna lie to me more?
All right, months.
You happy now?
And why was Cynthia in on it?
I wanted to keep you
out of harm's way.
- You trusted her not to get hurt.
- Jill.
I gotta go help Oz. For me to do that,
I've gotta go up there.
- Just do everything I told you, all right?
- Don't worry.
I'll remember everything you told me.
Call Mrs. Himelfarb,
remind her to floss...
...cancel my appointments
for the rest of my life...
...send in as much nitrous as you can,
call the FBI.
- What?
- Call the FBI!
- What's wrong?
- What's wrong? What's wrong?
I'll tell you.
Everything's wrong.
Take a look around you.
Nothing's right.
Cynthia got kidnapped by Hungarian killers.
And instead of calling the FBI...
...or the police,
like every other rational man, I thought:
"Hey, let's try to get in contact with
somebody else that kills a lot of people."
So I went down to Mexico,
which is heavily underdeveloped...
...and I asked him to help me.
Did he?
No, he didn't help me out.
He didn't help me out!
Know what he did?
He put on bunny slippers...
...he shot at me and then
he cooked me some chicken!
I'm gonna be okay.
I'm gonna calm down...
...I'm gonna go downstairs and I'm gonna
take a nice, leisurely drive in my Porsche.
Wait a minute. I can't drive my Porsche,
because I don't have one anymore.
That's gone, that's history,
that's archives!
We left the Porsche so we could get
on a bus and rent some other car.
And you know why?
Because I don't. Do you?
Some kind of GPS,
I don't know, system.
- What's that smell?
- I'll tell you what that smell is. It's me.
I smell. And you know why?
I've been wearing this suit
for three days. I smell like ass.
Or foot. Or some kind of foot...
...that's been lodged up deep, deep, deep
inside an ass. I'll tell you the worst thing:
I woke up naked next to another
naked man who admittedly wets the bed.
So if you talk to anybody
or anybody calls here...
...you tell them I fell down
a flight of stairs.
- Yes, sir.
- Don't "Yes, sir" me!
- Call the FBI.
- Calling. I'm calling.
Dial F-B-I.
Call the FBI and tell them
I fell down a flight of stairs!
Going to the feds is the thing
that's gonna get Cynthia killed.
What are you doing here?
I don't need you anymore.
I can handle this on my own.
I'm an adult.
You okay?
Thanks.
Let's face it, Oz. Kicking ass is not
your expertise. That's my job.
Hanging on to the woman you love
is where I fall a little short.
- How do you do that?
- What?
That. That.
One minute I wanna kill you,
the next minute you got me...
...feeling sorry for you.
- Oz, you really are a good guy.
And I don't want you, Cynthia or anyone
else paying for my past sins.
I thought you said friendship
was overrated.
I'm a liar.
- So, what do we do?
- Go get Cynthia.
- How?
- You just leave that to Jimmy Tudeski.
- God, Julie. Julie, Julie...
...don't call the FBI!
- Julie who?
My receptionist.
Your wife's replacement.
- Julie, what did you do?
- I chloroformed his ass.
Why?
You don't have to tell me why.
Now, you can go quietly or your ass
can get the chloroform too.
- What kind of receptionist are you?
- The kind that doesn't forget...
...who murdered her brother.
- What?
Look, I'm gonna get
the temp agency on the phone.
Don't you dare make a move,
Dr. Oseransky. Keep your ass right there.
Julie. Julie, if that is your real name...
My name is Jules. Jules Figueroa.
- Frankie Figs?
- Frankie Figs.
You remember that? He was my brother.
And I do believe you knew him.
- I'll take that chloroform now.
- Yeah, I know you will.
- You smell great, baby.
- Oz.
You know, I don't have to be
at work today. We can:
Oz.
Jimmy.
Jimmy. Jimmy!
It's been a long time since
I've been chloroformed.
Still got that little zing to it,
though.
Tastes like they put a bunch of pennies
in your mouth, doesn't it?
Jimmy, I'm sorry.
- I didn't find it.
- What?
You've been here three days.
- I got into the safe. It's not there.
- Safe?
- It's here somewhere.
- This isn't exactly...
...what we talked about, either.
- Calm down.
- What do mean, "Calm down"?
- All right? I'm on it.
What safe? Why are you guys
talking together so much?
Have you been involved in this
from the beginning?
- Oz...
- Correct me if I'm wrong...
...but we took vows.
One was you're not
supposed to pretend you're kidnapped...
...and get your husband shot at
while he's trying to save you.
- That was uncalled for.
- I'm not a lawyer...
...but I believe this is grounds for divorce.
And what is that sound?
- That's chain saws.
- Chain saw. Check.
Hack tub.
What is that for?
- What is it?
- They hack us up into pieces in that...
...so blood doesn't get everywhere.
- I see.
They put the hacked-up
pieces in those bags.
- Are you done?
- Yes, he's done.
Jimmy Tulip.
The rat-shit scum of Chicago.
Mr. Tough Guy...
...served up to me on a platter
by the pretty black girl.
That stings.
I made you who you are
and you stab me in the heart...
...with something sharp.
He made you who you are?
Oh, yes. Could not fire a slingshot
until I taught him how.
"Pay attention, little boy. Hold it firm.
Stop crying and watch.
Like this."
- Where's Strabo?
- I'm pretty sure he's with Janni right now.
Where is my son?
- Where's my boy?!
- All right, that's it. I've had enough.
- Oz.
- No. If you ever wanna see your son...
...alive again, you'll let
us go right now.
Is that right?
Yeah, that's right.
And if we're not out of here by : ...
...Jill's gonna put one in Strabo's forehead,
just like Jimmy put one in Janni's forehead.
- It wasn't pretty.
- Give me a gun.
- Not bad, Oz.
- Thanks.
- I think it's Jimmy's wife.
- What?
No. That was going so well.
- What is this?
- I wanna come in...
...and talk business with you.
- Or else.
- Or else what?
Or else I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to blow Strabo's head off.
Oh, no, no, no.
Strabo, you all right?
He's fine.
He can't talk, he's duct-taped.
I got this car wired with explosives.
- You let me in, he'll be fine.
- Fine.
Come in, do whatever you want, apparently.
Get the broad! Get the car! Get the Strabo!
Wait a minute.
What is in the big purse?
- Nothing, it's... I'm good.
- It's what?
- Take a right.
- This way.
What the fook are you
assholes up to now?
Look who's here.
Can I ask you a questionnaire
how you found this place?
Nice Porsche you got.
You still have the Porsche?
Let me explain when we all get
a moment together...
...the concept of the secret hideout.
- All right!
Drop your weapons now
and slide them to me...
...or I press the button and Strabo gets
blown to little Hungarian meatballs.
- Don't push nothing.
- I'm gonna push it. Drop them! Now!
- Drop them!
- Drop it.
- Go ahead. Come on.
- On the floor.
Kick them over. Step away.
- Untie Oz and Cynthia.
- No untying...
- Do it! Untie them.
- Let's see where it's going.
All right. Come on, come on.
Aren't you forgetting something?
Am I forgetting something?
I don't think so.
- They had a terrible fight.
- Did they?
- What if I had something you want?
- I would be baffled, to begin with.
Or, more precisely...
...half of something you want.
Don't.
You have Jimmy's half.
- Would you cut me in for a slice?
- You want a slice of the pee?
Maybe...
- Keep talking.
- I wanna work for you.
- Of course you do.
- I don't have any allegiances.
I'm all yours. And I could be your
most valuable hitter.
You shut up or I'll
blow your brains out!
First thing I'm going to need
is my son Strabo in my company.
Secondly, maybe a little test.
I'm thinking, kill Jimmy.
In the melon. One shot.
- What do you say?
- Name the time and place.
Is now good for you?
- Right here, right now?
- Right now.
- You gotta be kidding me, right?
- What the hell are you doing?
Take your little cross back.
What'll you do without
your good luck charm?
- Stop screwing around.
- Shut up, Oz!
That's right, Jill, stop screwing around.
You're not gonna shoot anybody.
Just tell me you're not
still in love with Cynthia.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- Why?
She's my ex-wife. I still have feelings
for her and I always will.
- That's a really bad answer.
- Shut up, Oz.
You can't even just say it, can you?
Just say it.
This is reminding me now
of my favorite soup opera:
The Hourglass of My Sand Children.
Listen, you're either a shooter
or you're not.
I am. I am.
I am.
Here's an idea for you:
- Got an elevator shaft around here, Lazlo?
- I'm sorry?
Because I could fall down that,
you know. Die that way.
- Stop.
- That would be the only way to get killed.
- Shut up!
- You couldn't even hit that lamp over there.
I'll give you a tip. You wanna hit that
lamp, you should aim at me.
She aimed and hit the lamp.
She aimed and hit the lamp.
- Lucky shot.
- I'm gonna give you one last chance, baby.
You don't have the balls.
- This from a guy who rarely gets it up.
- We never had that problem.
Not helping.
Why isn't anybody helping?
I think you have to be in love
with someone to get it up, Jill.
Shoot him.
You're never gonna be a hit girl...
...just a stupid, stumbling, bumbling,
can't-kill-anything ex-dental assistant.
- Jimmy, Jimmy.
- He's dead?
- Yes?
- He's dead. He's dead!
He's dead! I didn't think you
had it in you, quite frankly.
Don't cry. Everything's going
to be fine. Go get Strabo, now.
Give me this. For the record,
this is, what, a garage door opener?
Very clever.
So clever, I want you to keep
that aimed at her, please.
- Wait. I thought we had a deal.
- "I thought we had a deal." No.
Locked.
Lazlo, the car is loaded with Primacord.
I'm sure it is.
The first dollar
I ever stole is back together.
- You okay? You okay?
- Yeah.
You killed Strabonitz.
Oh, look what I did.
Good work, Jimmy.
"Jammy, Jammy."
Nice work with that chair, Oz.
Way to go, Cyn.
- Come here, baby.
- You're alive?
I mean, good, but you...
Don't even think about it. You were
in on this whole thing from the beginning!
Of course. It's an old routine.
It's the Skokie Switcheroo.
"The Skokie Switch..."? Where do
you guys come up with these names?
I just watched my friend
get shot through the heart.
- Larry's House of Halloween.
- And what is the deal with that lamp?
I saw her shoot the lamp.
The first round was live, the rest
were blanks. Try and keep up.
- We are gonna have such a talk later.
- Sons of batches!
So how far back does this go?
Hell, you were shooting at me in Mexico.
Was that all part of the plan?
As a matter of fact, it was, yeah.
- You killed my Strabo!
- Actually, Strabonitz was already dead.
Your hitter got him
when she was shooting at us.
- This true?
- Lazlo, shit happens.
Shit...
Yeah, watch this shit happen.
- All right. Take it easy.
- Was that real? Is she really dead?
I mean, was that a fake bullet?
Jimmy, let me propose something
before you start the killing.
Regroup the Gogolak gang.
Fifty-fifty, you and me.
Like the old days.
Murder, mayhem, a couple of laughs.
I don't think so, Lazlo.
Jill, tie him up.
- Wait.
- What am I gonna tie him up for?
- I'm gonna kill him.
- No, he said...
I said that, but we can't.
Of course you can't.
You can't kill anybody for real.
I can. It's point-blank range.
I didn't mean you can't shoot him...
...I mean you just can't shoot him.
- Come on.
- You said I'll make my bones.
- On somebody else.
- You can't kill him.
- How do you "make bones"?
She wants to make a name for herself.
You said I could!
- Will you just listen?
- Tell me why.
- You heard what he said!
- Tell me why not!
Because he's my father!
- Even I didn't know about this.
- See? See?
It doesn't feel good to not be involved
in the plan, to not know what...
- He's your father?
- I raised you as one of my own.
- That's far enough.
- I made him a man!
A man who can't kill his papa.
Step aside, Jill. It could go right through.
Jimmy.
- Jill, shoot Papa in the foot.
- Straight through or leave a souvenir?
- Souvenir.
- Wait.
That's gotta hurt.
- Who is that? The fake police?
- Okay, we gotta go.
I'm not going anywhere until somebody
tells me what this is all about.
Cynthia, help me get Oz out of here.
Thanks for the inheritance, Pops.
- Way to go, Cyn.
- You'll never live to spend a dime, Jimmy!
We're rich! We're rich!
- Baby, you were so good.
- I had a good teacher.
I'm so glad we're so overjoyed.
I've never been this confused in my life.
I think you dropped this a while back.
No, just borrowing it
from an old friend, that's all.
- Don't need it anymore, Cyn.
- Okay.
Would somebody tell me
what's going on?
This is what's going on.
See that number right there?
That is Lazlo Gogolak's main account
in the Grand Caymans.
Somewhere around million dollars,
half of which is yours.
Your tooth-pulling days are over, Oz.
- That was the plan?
- Yes!
- Were you in on it?
- I didn't know until this afternoon.
Why couldn't I have been involved?
I could have played a part.
I minored in theater.
Two hundred and eighty million dollars?
That's it. This is too much.
It's great, but it's too much.
- Any more surprises?
- Just one.
- What?
- I guess the doctors were wrong.
- What do you mean?
- I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, congratulations!
Oh, my God, are you serious?
I'm gonna be a dad?
We're not gonna start
with that again, are we?
Put the top up, okay?
It's just... It's embarrassing.
- Come on, come and get me.
- Freeze, right there!
- Cross, cross.
- Watch it, buster.
Anybody for cookie, coffee, tea?
Mother, please.
One of you, could
you just shoot me? Please.