Voila! Finally, the Without A Paddle
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie starring Seth
Green and Matthew Lillard and Dax. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Without A Paddle. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
- Ghostbusters!
- Ghostbusters!
yeah!
We did it, man!
- Be seeing you.
- you got it, man.
- Have a great trip.
- yeah.
When I'm done with probation,
I'm gonna come find you.
I know you wiII.
AII right, I'm out of here.
One Iast thing.
- Remember this?
- My Indy compass.
- In case you get Iost.
- Where'd you get this?
- And you wiII get Iost.
- yeah, I wiII get Iost.
But it's haIf the fun.
- Thanks, man.
- Be good.
- Take care of those two fooIs.
- Have fun.
I wiII.
Catch you around, boys!
Bye, BiIIy!
I wonder where he's gonna end up.
He's gonna do great things.
Don't worry. We're aII gonna do
great things.
- Are you ready for Tom?
- I'm ready for Tom!
- Let's ride!
- Come on, baby!
yeah!
Angie!
What was that?
Shit. I think it's Tony.
- Tony?!
- Get your cIothes on!
- What happened to ''Tony's in China''?
- Oh, this is bad. Get your cIothes on--
Hey, Tony.
you're home earIy, baby.
- Tony?
- What the heII's going on here?
Tony, there's enough of me
to go around.
I'm thinking about a Tom sandwich.
Light on the Tom.
Jerry here has the reworked formuIa,
so I'II pass the baII on to him.
you're on.
- Now?
- Now.
Right.
Baby! you're home.
Hey.
How was the surf?
Someone's happy to see me.
WeII, why wouIdn't I be?
EspeciaIIy tonight.
you outdid yourseIf.
Just seemed Iike the right night
to outdo oneseIf, so...
A Thursday?
Honey, don't you think every night
shouId be speciaI?
yeah. yes, every night
shouId be speciaI, this is true.
But, reaIIy...
...specificaIIy, there's aIways one night
a year that just seems right
for a ceIebration of a specific event.
- Do you know what I'm saying?
- AbsoIuteIy.
I Iove dip.
It's our anniversary!
Our first date! How many hints
do I need to give you?!
I must be crazy.
A trip? Great caII.
Where we going?
I won't do it. I won't pIay the roIe
of nagging girIfriend anymore.
WouId nagging wife
make you happier?
PIease teII me that was not
you proposing to me.
Jerry and Denise cannot get
to the phone right now,
because we're doing it!
Jerry, it's Mom. If you're there,
wiII you pIease pick up.
Hey, Mom. I can't reaIIy taIk
right now.
What?
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me, sir? Sir? Excuse me.
you're in my spot.
I don't see your name on it.
WeII, actuaIIy, yes, my name is on it.
See? Right there, Dr. Mott.
That's me. That's my space.
you got me.
But Iook at this, paI!
Now...
- ...your name's not on it!
- Hey! What're you doing? Hey!
Hey, you get back. you get back.
I'm not afraid to use this!
Hey, don't--!
Have a good day, doc.
you too.
I'm Dr. Mott!
Good morning, Sandi. TGIF.
What's that, Dr. Mott?
Thank Goodness It's Friday.
Happy Friday.
It's the weekend.
Right.
''TGIF.''
That was great. So smart.
Why don't you just ask her out,
you dumb-ass.
It's Jerry ConIaine.
- He says it's very important.
- Okay.
- Hey, how you doing? Long time.
- Hey, Dan.
Listen...
There was an accident.
BiIIy's dead.
- you're kidding.
- yeah, he...
He was para-surfing
down in Costa Rica.
So the funeraI's this weekend.
It's... It's in Oregon.
- yeah...
- I'm fIying out in a coupIe of hours.
Can you make it?
yeah, I'II be there.
Dano! Hey.
- Hey, Jerry.
- How's it going?
Oh, man.
Oh, my God, is that Everest?
yeah. you know BiIIy.
He wasn't afraid of anything.
He couId do it aII.
Did you know he ran with the buIIs?
He sent me a postcard from Spain.
- Man, he did great things.
- He did.
I stiII want you.
Why did you Ieave me?
Oh, BiIIy.
BiIIy's dead and he's stiII got a better
chance of getting Iaid than I do.
Leadeth me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake...
I waIk through the vaIIey
of the shadow...
Tom's here.
WaIk through the vaIIey of the shadow
of death, I wiII fear...
Is this BiIIy's funeraI?
Is that the corpse of BiIIy Newwood?
Jer, is that you?
you're with Dan?
- Where did you guys park?
- Tom!
Okay. Sorry.
There's a heII of a fender-bender
coming in, and...
- PIease continue. I'm so sorry.
- I- was a parking Iot. I made it.
Then the earth shook and trembIed...
Sorry, Padre.
My bad. Missed an exit.
--because he was wroth.
He bowed the heavens aIso and
came down. And darkness was...
Did you notice how many hot chicks
were at that funeraI?
No kidding! It was Iike a discotheque
with a coffin in the middIe.
- Look at that.
- HoIy...
Fort Cooper. Can you beIieve it?
God, I remember it being taIIer.
There it is.
Race you to the top!
- Dano, come on up!
- Come on, Dan.
you guys are hammered!
I'm not cIimbing up a -year-oId rope.
- That's crazy.
- Tommy, catch.
This whoIe thing seems
a IittIe insane for us to be doing,
cIimbing with the possibiIity of...
- you aII right, Dano?
- Come on, Dano, grab it.
- Give me the rope.
- Come on, Dan!
Use your tippy-toes. There you go.
Cobweb. Look out.
- Oh, my God.
- How smaII is that door?
Kind of seems about
the same, actuaIIy.
I hope I don't faII through
the fIoor of this thing.
Hey! What's up, B.A. Baracus?
Mr. T. How awesome is that?
you guys. Oh, my gosh.
- Look at this.
- Hey, that's our oId fIag.
- D.B. Cooper's treasure chest.
- Oh, man, Iook at that thing.
- you remember this?
- Of course, yeah.
Cooper parachuted out of a pIane
up north with a bunch of stoIen cash.
We were obsessed with that.
- Nationwide poIice hunt and...
- Right.
- Never found.
- yeah, we were gonna sneak away,
go up the river, aII Huck Finn,
ApocaIypse Now styIe.
Get the Ioot.
I bet you we spent haIf our chiIdhood
pIanning that trip.
It's aII BiIIy ever taIked about.
- Let's open it up.
- We have to break the Iock.
- Oh, I'II break it.
- - - .
- How did he know that?
- How do you possibIy remember that?
Miss , JuIie McDonaId.
- - . UnforgettabIe.
Had a passion for cycIing.
DisIiked Iiars.
you're right.
- What the...?
- Do you beIieve it?
Man! Look at that.
The oath...
''We swear that these things
wiII remain in this box
untiI we find D.B. Cooper's treasure.''
Signed, a bunch of kids.
Remember we pricked our fingers,
took a bIood oath?
Dan, what's that next to
your signature? That's not bIood.
It was earwax.
I was afraid of needIes.
ShouId we check out the priceIess
treasures of our youth?
C- PO.
- I wonder who put that in.
- Let me see. That's a coIIectibIe now.
- yeah, right.
- My Brian Bosworth rookie card.
- The Boz.
- Man, I thought he was gonna be
the greatest ever.
''I've been in that box
a very Iong time.''
WeII, you're free now.
And, Tom, I beIieve this
is your contribution.
Oh, my God.
That's my first rubber.
Boy...
I found this in my dad's pickup
right before he went to jaiI.
I remember he caught me with it.
Boy, he smacked me
right in the head.
What a charming
father-and-son taIe.
He was funny.
- Hey, what did BiIIy put in there?
- yeah, what does he got?
His Indy compass.
I gave this to him before he took off
on his trip. He must've...
I don't know, he must've put it back.
Look at this. It's one of our mix tapes.
Remember we did the DJ intros?
yeah, Iet's not Wang Chung tonight.
Burn that.
you guys, check out this map.
- Looks Iike BiIIy Ieft us a treasure map.
- Look at that.
- Not onIy that...
- This map Iooks new.
He pIotted out the whoIe trip.
BiIIy thought D.B. Ianded right here.
There's no way he did this as a kid.
He must've been adding to the box
over the years.
This is the camping trip
he wanted us to take Iast summer.
I couIdn't go.
I was detained in Mexico.
And he wouIdn't do it
unIess we were aII together.
I swear to God, I think he figured it out.
I mean, Iook at aII this research.
He reconstructed the jump.
He pinpointed D.B.'s Ianding.
That's crazy.
My God...
I'm sorry, you guys,
we made an oath.
It aII goes back in the box.
It aII goes back in the box
untiI we find the treasure.
So Iet's go find it.
Let's-- Let's take BiIIy's trip.
- Come on, guys, what do you say?
- I say, ''HeII, yes.''
- HeII, yes! Right?
- We'II get a canoe.
- Right?
- No.
No.
No, I'm...
- No.
- We're aII going.
- Listen, I wanna get a Iot of rope.
- A rope's good.
AII right, I know you guys won't grasp
this concept,
but I have patients and...
I am a doctor now.
I am Dr. Mott now!
I have responsibiIities!
your responsibiIity is to come
treasure hunting with us.
We're .
This might be the Iast chance
we have to do something
incredibIy stupid together.
I agree.
For BiIIy, Dano.
- Not fair.
- I think it's fair.
AII right.
Time to re-up on our oath, boys.
Fingers up.
- Hey, put that away. Tom...
- I Iove the way you work.
you know who I'm taIking to.
There's no way I'm going.
No chance!
No! you guys, no! Hey.
Let go of me!
Hey! No, no.
No!
I hate you guys.
Oh, we hate you too,
Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman.
Hey! Hey! I agreed to come.
you said I couId drive.
We drive by my ruIes.
No kissing me.
I can't beIieve that BiIIy kept the Duke
in running shape aII these years.
V man. They're buIIetproof.
How about a IittIe
Fort Cooper cIassic.
This is Rocking BiIIy Newwood.
I'm here with feIIow DJs
- Jazzy Jerry.
- yeah!
- Gonzo Tommy.
- yeah!
- And Disco Dan.
- Burn, baby, burn!
And we have a speciaI dedication
by Dan's mom, entitIed;
''I've Had Sex With Tom. ''
I totaIIy did, though.
- UsuaIIy it's too Iate when you
- Do you know the words?
ReaIize what you had
And my mind goes back to a girI
I Ieft some years ago
Who toId me
Just hoId on IooseIy
But don't Iet go
The boys together, the open road.
Good tunes, good times.
Good God! Let's puII off
memory highway.
But I'm never off, aIways on
To the break of dawn
C-O-M-P-T-O-N
And the city they caII Long Beach
Putting the shit together
If it's good enough to take
Them off a proper chunk
I'II take a smaII piece
Of some of that funky stuff
It's Iike this and Iike that
And Iike this and--
- How do you know aII these words?
- He's a doctor.
Doctors study other doctors' work.
- you're a secret Dr. Dre fan.
- Oh, God.
It's Iike this and Iike that
And Iike this...
- No, this is a metropoIis. Look at this.
- This pIace is very remote.
I wish I wouId've brought my dancing
shoes so we can go cIubbing.
- Let's find the nearest hospitaI.
- Stay at The Ritz. This is great.
- How are you?
- Hi.
Where are we?
Corner of Bumfuck and
you Got a Purty Mouth.
Hey, I'm gonna make a caII.
Oh, wait, Jerry, you shouId use
my new ceII phone.
It's a sateIIite phone,
so it works everywhere.
And it's got a camera and it's got
an address book and, Iisten,
it's even got a personaIized ring.
Nice. you shouIdn't be proud
of that, Dan.
- Thanks.
- you're weIcome.
WeII,
I'm gonna go check out
the canoe situation.
- you want anything?
- Good Iuck. No, I'm good.
HeIIo?
Denise. What are you doing home?
Hey.
Hi. Is everything aII right?
you know...
- It's as good as it can be.
- Where are you?
On the road.
Good. you're on your way home.
What time do you get in?
I can't wait to see you.
What you Iooking at, boy?
Here's the thing, the guys and I...
We're going on a treasure hunt.
And I know that sounds dumb,
but it's something that we have to do.
For BiIIy.
That doesn't sound dumb at aII.
I compIeteIy understand.
- you do?
- Just caII me when you get a chance.
But I might be out of the house.
For a bit. yeah, because
my girIfriends and I, we're gonna go on
a search for the Iost city of AtIantis.
Maybe my treasure wiII heIp
buy your submarine.
- Maybe. Maybe it wiII.
- Take a picture.
- HoId on.
- I'm on the IittIe guy's back.
- Shut up.
- Go, take a picture.
That's good. That's good.
HeIIo?
That did not sound Iike it went weII.
Hiya, boys. Nice day.
Just passing through?
No.
We're actuaIIy from UPS.
Looks Iike someone ordered
a set of teeth.
- I beg your pardon.
- TASER guns. Dropping them off.
- Anyways...
- So heIp me out here, boys.
Where was it you said
you was headed?
We're just taking a trip. Our oId friend,
BiIIy, he made this map--
Quiet time. Quiet.
We're just taking a day trip
up Spirit River, your Honor.
Pretty thick country up there.
you make a coupIe mistakes up there,
you're gone.
you know what, I think we'II be okay.
I was a Boy Scout.
Tom, you were a Boy Scout,
weren't you?
No. But I ate a Brownie once.
you don't wanna pIay
on the big river, boys.
- Oh, no, we're not pIaying, we're--
- I got this. you Iisten to me.
I know a thing or two
about rapid-riding
because I was a white-water guide
in Northern CaIifornia, NoCaI.
Here's the thing. I know how to read a
river better than you can read a book.
- Just a IittIe better.
- AII right.
- AII right. So we're gonna get going?
- That's right.
- Thank you, sheriff.
- See you, Ray-Bans.
you think we got enough booze,
Tom?
Maybe you wanna hire a bartender
to come on the trip with us.
What's a camping trip without beer?
WeII, it's stiII a camping trip, actuaIIy,
just with Iess vomiting.
I hear you're a river guide.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
CIass IV, V?
- Which is it?
- Why don't you try putting
those numbers together. That's right.
I've shot a cIass
and I've never Iost a man.
Lie to me. I don't care.
I'm not the one that's going to drown.
AII right, feIIas.
Here we go. Attention.
We christen you
''Duke II.''
Thanks for breaking gIass
where my kids pIay.
There's a transmitter in the canoe.
That way, if you guys disappear,
at Ieast we'II get our boat back.
It's chiId's pIay, guy. We got it.
- It's beautifuI!
- This is the best.
- I Iike it out here.
- This is Spirit River!
Get you out of the doctor's office,
Dano.
- It's good to be outside.
- yeah.
Get you away from
that computer, Jer!
- What kind of fish are those?
- That's brown trout.
- That's big.
- Brown trout?
- Hey, Iook, a deer!
- It's cooI.
Right out there in the open.
Hey...
Cheers.
The great outdoors!
Tom!
- you guys are spraying me!
- Give me a break,
- I'm writing your name!
- Stop it!
- Hey, don't, don't, don't!
- What, are you gonna meIt?
No, but this water is teeming
with microbes.
They don't bring Iosers
to the swag pot!
So this is Spirit River.
We take that to Widowmaker Bend.
And then we hike
the DeviI's Staircase,
and that shouId Iead us
to the top of HeIIfire Ridge.
What's with aII these satanic names?
Isn't there, Iike, a FIuffy Bunny Way?
No, but there's
a Shut-Up-you-Big-Baby Ridge.
Okay, just keep your eyes open
- for our first day's marker.
- What's that?
It's a rock formation caIIed
Grandpa's Nose.
Grandpa's Nose.
Looking for Grandpa's Nose.
I think I see it! It's right there.
Good work, Dan.
Prepare to port.
I'm gonna drink some beer!
I predict you'II be puking in that river
before the end of the night, Tom.
Dry timber...
Hi there, coaIminer's daughter.
you want a hand?
Or you can aIways try these fancy
new things caIIed ''matches.''
I saw how to do this on
the Discovery ChanneI.
Okay? And I'm gonna do it.
I got it covered.
Oxygen in there...
Get that right combination...
Stop, drop and roII!
Why wouId you do that?!
I'm with my face right next to the--
And you bIow...
- Why wouId you do that?!
- It's warm.
It's a nice fire.
Hey.
We did it.
I toId you.
Do you reaIIy wanna hurt me?
Do you reaIIy wanna hear this crap?
PIease. you Iiked this song
just as much as I did.
When we were kids,
it didn't matter what the song was.
We weren't wrapped up
in what was cooI and uncooI.
We just Iistened to the music.
It shouId be Iike that now.
Just Iisten to the song, man.
This song is so uncooI.
- WeII, I Iike it. It soothes me.
- Dan, what is wrong with you?
I'm bIessed with good taste.
One day, you'II see,
I've aIways been correct.
Don't get cocky, -year-oId Dr. Mott,
with years of schooI under his beIt.
Excuse me for getting an MD
and starting a successfuI practice.
Excuse me. I found a way to make
grand a month without having an MD.
ReaIIy? How do you do that?
you running immigrants
over the border again, coyote?
Those guys feII asIeep in my truck.
I thought I'd just gotten shitfaced
and bought a bunch of sombreros.
I didn't know there were dudes
underneath.
For reaI, though?
SeIIing HarIeys.
It's the greatest gig on the pIanet.
Congrats. I'm happy for you.
SeriousIy, though,
you guys both sound
- Iike you're doing great.
- Aren't you?
I just don't know if I'm cut out for
the whoIe famiIy-wife-kids thing.
I wouId kiII to have a woman at home
wiIIing to have sex with me every night.
At work, I just sit in my office
and I think,
''There's gotta be something better
out there.'' you know what I mean?
- I thought you Iiked your job.
- I Iike to surf.
Sitting out in the water.
Waiting for that perfect wave.
And I aIso Iike being out here.
I Iike this, right now.
The first time in months,
no worries, no responsibiIities.
Just Iiving in the moment.
Just Iike BiIIy did.
Hey.
Here's to BiIIy.
- To our dead friend.
- Get them up.
Tom...
Dano, whatever happened between
you and Cockeyed Katie, anyway?
you know, I don't appreciate the
name-caIIing. Katie was very attractive.
It was a mutuaI separation.
yeah, between her eyes.
That girI had not one,
but two wandering eyes.
It was Iike her eyes were trying
to escape from her head.
you know, Tom, I'm sorry she wasn't
up to your high standard of women.
No tattoos beIow the waist,
never worked as a carny.
Name one girIfriend of mine
who worked as a carny.
Jo Jo, the one who had
her downstairs pierced.
Oh, Jo Jo. That's one.
How do you know what she did
with her downstairs?
She had that website:
- JoJosDownstairs.com.
- That was a good one.
Hey, Dano, Iet's see what
you packed us for dinner.
- What is this, astronaut food?
- No. It's a vitamin geI pack.
It tastes Iike watermeIon. It's very fiIIing
and it preserves weII for camping.
I'm not an astronaut.
I'm an American.
And there's fresh saImon
in that river for the taking.
What?
I'm eating saImon tonight.
That's great, except
we didn't bring any fishing gear.
Don't need any.
- We'II shine them.
- That wouId kiII a fish.
Shine the fish, oId Cherokee trick.
I forgot the Cherokee had been using
the fIashIight for thousands of years.
No, didn't they pioneer the D battery?
AII right, suckers.
Let's see who's eating saImon tonight
and who's eating crow.
- Do you have a crow-catching trick?
- yuk it up, astronauts.
They Iove figure eights.
Hey, grand
and my Ieft nut says
the onIy thing you catch
out there is a coId.
Got it! Grab it!
What are you doing?!
- Fantastic.
- Can you do that again?
you owe me grand
and the Ieft nut.
Are you gonna catch it
when I throw it up?
- yeah, yeah!
- yeah, yeah, come on!
I'm gonna have to use a distinct pattern
now. They got used to the figure eight.
It's gonna be tough, but I'II focus.
What the heII are you doing?
I toss it, you grab it.
That's your part of the deaI.
What?
- What are you doing?
- I'm taking off my shoes.
- Why?
- Because I run faster with no shoes.
- you can't outrun that bear.
- I don't have to outrun the bear.
I just have to outrun you.
Stay caIm.
It's important that you don't
Iet them smeII your fear.
- Just foIIow my Iead.
- What are you gonna do?
It's a bear! We're aII gonna die!
Run!
Keep going!
Get out!
- Go away! Go!
- Get out!
- Stay caIm. Get in the fetaI position.
- Oh, God.
It won't bother you
if you're in the fetaI position.
- Nothing's gonna happen now.
- Is he gone? Is he gone?
Abort the fetaI position!
It's not working!
- It's not working!
- Run!
No...
The bear thinks Dan's her cub.
What do we do now?
Stay-- Stay down.
Don't make eye contact.
- HeIp me!
- Let's go.
This is bad. This is reaIIy bad.
Do something.
- Go first.
- No, you go first.
Hey. Where's the bear?
He's trying to fatten Dan up
so they can hibernate together.
Chew it up and eat it.
Eat it.
- Stop pretending.
- Dan, you have to eat it.
you have to actuaIIy eat it.
- Okay.
- Bite.
Eat it.
It's deIicious. Very good, thank you.
Is there another one?
That was good. That was reaI good.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
- Move, move, move.
- Up the tree.
- your mom misses you.
- She's in my stuff.
Hey, that's my phone.
She ate my phone.
How Iong do you think
she'II keep Iooking for me?
Hour, hour and a haIf, tops.
Bears have very short attention spans.
I know a guy who trains them.
What was that?
I don't know, but it scared away
our friend. Let's get out of here.
What do you think couId happen
if this thing went off right in the boat?
- you think we'd die?
- I think you throw it right now.
What if I toss it to you
and then you throw it?
EIwood, throw it!
- Cue the insane hiIIbiIIies.
- What are these freaks doing?
They're fishing.
Why aren't they using
their fIashIights, Tom?
This is exactIy what you hear about
when peopIe go into the deep woods
in the middIe of summertime.
Aside from getting aII sorts
of diseases and things,
they just wind up being the victims
of some kind of
unexpected man-rape.
How you Iike me now, boy?
- I don't Iike this--
- Quiet. Go, go.
She ate everything.
IncIuding my very expensive
ceII phone.
AII right, Iet's Ioad up.
There's treasure in them hiIIs.
Wait a minute, you're not actuaIIy
considering continuing, are you?
- Why not?
- WeII, because I just--
I got carried away by a bear. And then
we spent the night sIeeping in a tree.
WeII, we got that out of the way.
Now we can get back on the river.
There comes a time
in every cub's Iife
when he needs to strike out
and make it on his own.
Fine.
Fine. But I say we avoid them and we
Iaunch around the bend there, okay?
AII right, aII right. Heave-ho.
They caII this portage. Or portage.
- What's the map say, Jerry?
- you know, it's a map.
It's gonna be... It's gonna be good.
Jer, isn't the river supposed to fork?
No. It just goes straight
the whoIe way. Straight shot.
Are you sure?
We are back in business, boys.
AII right. Let's rudder back.
Bring the taiI out.
- It's getting kind of rough, Tom.
- Not bad, I've been in much worse.
ReaIIy?
Not a good time to read a map, Jer.
Guys, I wanna puII over. I need
to take some Dramamine--
I got the stern. Work the bow,
work the bow, Jer.
Guys, Iet's puII over.
This is exactIy what you'd expect.
We're doing great.
Tom, guide us to the bank.
- Watch the current.
- Trees! Trees Ieft!
No probIem.
That's typicaI river behavior.
Rocks! Rocks! Keep rowing!
I'm not having the fun
you promised me!
Just keep rowing!
- FoIIow my Iead!
- TerribIe!
Same stroke, same stroke!
- Tom?
- yes?
- It's getting big.
- No probIem.
Like, reaI big.
- I'm in over my head!
- What?!
- Don't teII me that!
- I'm in over my head!
PIease don't teII me that!
Forward! No, backstroke,
backstroke!
Come on...!
Dano!
Tom!
HeIp!
Jerry! HeIp!
- Dan! I'm coming!
- Can you see me?
- Dan!
- Jerry!
- Dano!
- Throw it! Jer!
Catch the rope!
I got you!
- Dan, come on, baby, I got you.
- Hypothermia!
- I'm gonna get hypothermia!
- Come on!
you aII right? HoId on.
- Tom! Tommy!
- Tom!
In here, boys!
We made it!
That's how you go down the rapids!
- Better get in.
- Get up.
- I about shit. Did you about shit?
- I about shit.
- I did shit.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit? What ''oh, shit''?
- What? What, what?
- Oh, shit!
- Oh, shit!
I don't beIieve this, man.
Tom...
- Where were you a river guide?
- San Dimas.
- Raging Waters?
- yeah.
They had some serious
rapids there, man.
- What, cIass ''toddIer''?
- Hey, I was empIoyee of the month
at the Monsoon Lagoon.
- I knew you were Iying.
- Great.
- Oh, you did?
- I knew it.
WeII, you're the reason
that we had to Iaunch the boat
in the wrong part of the river.
Hey, I am not
the navigator-map guy.
Okay, Jerry, didn't you see
on the map that the river spIit?
I wouId've, if your friend,
the big-ass bear, didn't eat the map.
HoId on a sec. Tom?
Were you reaIIy
empIoyee of the month?
No. I Iied about that too.
I must have been crazy. I...
AII right. This trip is officiaIIy over.
This is finished! Let's...
- Let's just go home.
- I agree. That's a great decision.
AII we gotta do is jump up over
that -foot waterfaII,
swim upstream miIes,
get the sheriff on the phone...
He Iiked us, I remember. And he'II
send out a rescue boat. And...
Hey, there's a beer in the river. CooI.
Look at this, it's coId.
We are in serious troubIe, my friends.
AII data points to us being...
How do you humans say it?
CompIeteIy screwed?
yeah. you know, that is...
That's a good way to say it.
I mean, it pretty much sums it up.
I suspect Tom is drunk.
I didn't wanna say anything,
- because he's such a Iive wire...
- you guys, we're fine.
We got the compass.
I've got BiIIy's compass!
Look, that's east, west, north.
- That's south.
- That's south! That's south!
That's great!
- What?
- Sorry.
It onIy works with the map.
So you're saying you Iost the map?
you don't have it?
No. I'm saying I forgot
to hoId on to it whiIe my ass
was free-faIIing
over a -foot waterfaII.
So you don't have it?
Hey, do you hear that?
- Oh, heII, yeah.
- Hey, that sounds Iike Creed.
I never thought I'd be happy to hear
anything that sounds Iike Creed.
Lights.
Thank you, God. CiviIization.
- Look at that.
- They have a fire.
- you think they're cooking food?
- I hope so. I am starving.
- Damn it, EIwood. This bIade is duII.
- Ain't my fauIt.
- See how I popped off that fish head?
- What is it?
I toId you not to use my buck knife.
How you Iike me now, fish?
you ain't so tough
without a head, huh?
Oh, what's that? you can't hear me?
That's right, because
you don't have ears,
because you don't have a head,
because I cut it off!
Okay, that's... I mean,
that's a IittIe weird, right?
We shouId get out of here.
Listen, I say we just try taIking--
Shut it.
The heII was that?
- Is that a gun?
- That's a gun.
Must've been a possum.
BoII weeviI.
- Guns and fish heads...
- It's okay, Dano, reIax.
We'II just Iay Iow.
We'II get out of here in a second.
- Hey.
- yeah?
- These guys are pot farmers.
- What? How do you know that?
Oh, boy. We shouId go.
Lynyrd. Skynyrd. Come here.
There you go, spoiIing them dogs.
Lots of vitamins in these fish heads.
Look at that. Skynyrd Iikes fish heads
aImost as much as you do.
Do you think they saw us?
No, I don't.
- What are you doing?
- What?
I'II write you a prescription. Let's go.
- Come on.
- AII right.
On my go. Ready?
Go, go, back here. Come on.
Hey, guys.
Listen. We don't want any troubIe.
We just got Iost on the river,
you know?
Hey, can we use your phone?
Oh, of course.
And... Who cares, you know?
- Let's go through there.
- Where? There's no door.
- Lynyrd, Skynyrd. Get them.
- Come on, Dano.
- Good work, buddy.
- Thanks.
- Let's go.
- Come on, Dano.
Come on!
Go, go, go!
What did you do?
Why are there fIares?
Great mother of ganja.
Come on! I see them! I got them!
- Hey, boys, come back here.
- We ain't gonna hurt you boys!
- Just wanna taIk to you.
- There they are. Right there.
Damn it, you head to the Ieft.
I'II cut them off.
- Go, go, go!
- They're shooting!
I think I got them, Dennis!
They're shooting at us! Run!
Come on, Dennis, I'm gonna get them!
Damn it! I can't see nothing
through this smoke!
- We're dead. We're dead.
- We're dead.
- We're dead!
- They're gonna... They're gonna...
We're gonna die...
you set the security fIares
too cIose, EIwood.
The whoIe damn fieId's on fire.
Where the heII are the damn dogs?!
you guys gotta promise me that you'II
never teII my patients that I got stoned,
because if they found out I got stoned,
they'II think that I'm a stoner.
The next thing you know,
I won't have a Iicense anymore.
They'II take away aII my instruments
and my coat and my office,
and I won't have
a parking space anymore.
I just don't wanna Iose aII my stuff.
I Iost my Iegs--
Oh, great. We got us
a coupIe of weed freaks.
The heII are they Iooking at?
Get up, you stoner dogs!
Get up. you gotta move
your Iegs. Move your Iegs.
I think I see them.
They got Iaser scopes.
They had you pinned.
Dudes.
Dudes, dudes. SeriousIy. SeriousIy.
I wiII give you four cows
for Denise's hand in marriage.
I'II give them something
to Iaugh about.
Matrix.
My back.
Cut them off at the river.
Jerry, Jerry.
BiIIy. Jesus, BiIIy.
- I miss you.
- you gonna find D.B.'s treasure?
I'm just trying to make it out
of here aIive.
Don't give up. Keep Iooking.
Hey, is it cooI to be a grown-up?
Not reaIIy, my man.
Stop. Stop. you're gonna run into...
We can't outrun them.
We gotta hide.
- Quick, hide.
- How? How?
Let's get them!
Man, our whoIe crop is burning!
Those asshoIes are dead!
And the bodies that are attached
to them are dead too!
Dead! D-E-A-D! Dead!
- AsshoIes! A-S-S-H-O--
- Stop speIIing!
- Come on, you're dead!
- We're gonna get you!
- you can onIy run so far!
- And you can never hide!
- BuIIfrogs.
- I hate buIIfrogs. They're nasty.
Don't waste the ammo.
Come on, they must've headed up
towards the river.
- It crawIed straight in my stomach.
- Let's go.
I think it Iaid eggs in my stomach.
you think they're stiII foIIowing us?
I don't wanna stop and find out.
Just keep going.
It's not aII burnt.
I think we're gonna be okay.
- you think?
- yeah.
- you think?
- yeah.
Damn it. It's aII burnt. I knew it,
Dennis. It's aII burnt. Every bit.
- They burned it.
- Oh, yeah. It's aII burnt.
The whoIe damn fieId is burnt.
But we got a bigger probIem, EIwood!
We got three bona fide yuppies
out there,
Iost somewhere,
and we gotta track them.
We gotta catch them
and we gotta kiII them.
I think we can sIow down. I haven't
heard dogs or guns for hours.
yeah? you sIow down, get a stick
of dynamite up your ass.
CaIm down, DanieI,
we're gonna be aII right.
No, we're not, Jerry.
We couId reaIIy die out here.
Man, I can't beIieve
that I wouId Iisten to you guys.
''Let's go take BiIIy's trip.
Let's-- Let's find D.B.'s treasure.
I'II get a canoe. I'II get some rope.''
- Is he aII right?
- ''It'II be great.''
- ''We'II find D.B.'s treasure!'' Right.
- Is he having a panic attack?
- I don't know.
- That's great.
Make jokes. That's a reaIIy good idea.
Is this Iiving in the moment
enough for you, Jerry?
Is this the carefree Iife with no
responsibiIity that you wanted?
Is this the--? Is this the great wiIderness
adventure that you were dreaming of?
How shouId I be, Dr. Dan? TeII me.
- Be afraid.
- I am afraid.
WeII, then, act Iike it! It is very
confusing to peopIe in your Iife
when you don't act the way
that you're feeIing!
No wonder Denise
is fed up with you.
- What did you say?
- Don't you step to me.
- Put your hands down.
- you take it easy.
Mr. Joe-Tattoo, Mr. MotorcycIe-Man,
Mr. Super-CooI, Mr. BuIIet-Wound--
- Oh, my... Tom, you got shot.
- Oh, cooI.
- He got shot?
- yeah. Come here.
- Are you aII right?
- you couId Iose a roII of pennies
in that thing. Look at how deep it is.
It just grazed you. you're reaIIy Iucky.
Oh, wow, that's gonna be
a great scar.
I'm gonna stitch it up good.
Lose the cIeaver.
Meat cIeaver's my favorite.
It's scary, but uItimateIy ineffective.
Lose it.
Now, Dennis, you don't understand--
Them three boys get back to town,
you're gonna spend the next years
in the can getting manhandIed.
Quit messing around.
Lose the cIeaver.
I Iove the cIeaver.
you'II be good as new. Sorry.
Hey, Dano.
I'm sorry I got you into this.
- I reaIIy am.
- Jerry, I wanted to come.
WeII, we're getting out of it. I promise.
And when we do,
someone's buying
the first round. Not it.
- Not it.
- Tom, I think you're buying
with aII that-- AII that HarIey money.
Oh, God, it's making me sick.
I'm sorry, I...
That whoIe thing
was an exaggeration.
- What, you don't make that much?
- No, I don't seII HarIeys.
In fact, the onIy thing I've soId IateIy
is some cIothes and CDs.
They weren't even mine.
Tom, that's not an exaggeration,
that's a Iie.
- you know, you Iie a Iot.
- I know.
What happened?
WeII, first it was bIackjack.
Then the cards went south.
So then I started betting
footbaII and basebaII.
I Iost everything.
What'd I expect?
I got no Iuck, Jerry.
It's Iike my oId man used to say,
''FamiIy curse.
If we didn't have bad Iuck,
we wouIdn't have Iuck at aII.''
you have got to stop
bIaming your oId man.
I'm not bIaming anyone.
yeah, you are. Listen to yourseIf.
''The famiIy curse.''
yeah, it's reaI. I'm a great gambIer.
I wiII give you one thing:
your dad was a piece of work.
I mean, he had his own things
going on.
But if he did one thing right,
it was not raising a compIete idiot.
you're not him, Tommy.
you're a Iot smarter, for one thing.
Right, Dano?
WeII, I wouIdn't say a Iot smarter.
Tom, you have a Iot more
going for you than you think you do.
That's easy for you to say, Dano.
you're a freaking doctor.
I mean, you got a big oId
bank account, a ginormous house,
- big, thick red hair--
- you know what?
I wouIdn't be so jeaIous of me
if I were you.
Every day I deveIop some
new and exciting phobia.
you're exaggerating again.
I'm afraid of the dark, Jerry.
So? There's a Iot of peopIe
that are afraid of the dark.
- I know a shitIoad.
- I'm afraid of smaII spaces.
Again, not that abnormaI.
- CeIIophane.
- Like Saran Wrap?
- yeah.
- yeah, you're aIone on that one.
See, I won't even keep it
in the house anymore,
because I'm afraid somehow it'II get,
Iike, draped over my head
and stick to my mouth and nose
and I'II... I'II suffocate.
- How pathetic is that?
- Very.
ReIax, you're aImost through.
There you go. Hey, wouId one
of you guys grab my...? Phone. My--
That's a phone.
- It's that way.
- Phone!
How did your phone
get aII the way up here?
- Who cares?
- That Iast thing I remember, it was...
- Go, go, go!
- That bear Ioves you, Dano!
Whiskey Dick, this is Lightning
Company. Come in, Whiskey Dick.
We are on the move and Ioaded
for bear. Come back, come back--
- Why'd you stop?
- Right there.
Footprints.
Oh, it's theirs.
It's weird.
Footprints with no peopIe in them.
I mean...
...it's Iike it's them,
but it's not them,
you know what I mean?
RareIy.
Get on your wheeIer.
HoId on a second, guys.
you know what we shouId do?
We're gonna cIimb the tree.
We'II cIimb the tree, get a good Iook
at the Iand, maybe we'II see a road
or a way out of here.
yeah, I'II go. Give me a boost.
Oh, hey, Tom, wait.
you can use these.
Thanks.
PIease, just be carefuI.
Are you maintaining
a safe distance back there?
yeah, two-second ruIe, I know.
- Do you see anything?
- Hey, guys!
This is reaIIy cooI!
What is he doing up there?
Tommy, you see a road?
Any signs of Iife?
Are you kidding me?
Tommy?
Tom, do you see anything or not?
I think I might stiII be stoned.
HeIIo? Excuse me, miss?
- Ladies?
- My name is FIower!
you may caII me ButterfIy.
And if you're
from the Iogging company,
you'II have to speak to our Iawyers.
If you Iook to your Ieft,
you can totaIIy see her downstairs.
What?
We're not-- We're not
from the Iogging company.
- Peace.
- Peace.
- Hey, peace.
- Peace.
- What's your name?
- Jerry. Jerry ConIaine.
And what's your forest name?
SIug. His forest name is SIug.
- I got you.
- Thanks, Tom, thanks a Iot.
I'm sorry, SIug. We can't
abandon our post.
Do you understand?
WeII, couId we come up there,
then? PIease?
Come on up.
So then we run straight into
this freezing, Iike, water pond.
We had to hide underwater,
but we used these reeds.
Reeds? Like pussy wiIIow reeds?
ReaIIy?
God, it must've been so hard
to breathe.
yeah, it's been quite a trip.
Do you guys have a ceII phone
that we couId use?
Sorry, SIug. CeII phones are bad
for the environment
and peopIe who Iive
in the environment.
- Right.
- you poor boys.
you need to get out
of those damp, dirty cIothes.
Here, Iet us wash them for you.
- No, no. I'm fine.
- Let us nurture you.
Oh, boy!
Mighty Oak couId go
for some nurturing.
- Stay right there.
- No. It's--
Just reIax, Condor.
No, it's okay, honestIy. I'm actuaIIy
not reaIIy into being touched.
I'm a doctor, so I usuaIIy
do the touching.
yeah. I've been toId I give
a very good caIf massage.
If you wanna roII down
those stockings, I couId give you one.
- Stockings?
- Leg warmers?
I'm aII-naturaI.
SupernaturaI.
- you guys Iive up here year-round?
- We've been here beautifuI days.
How do you guys get suppIies?
When we need suppIies, we radio
the Earth ChiId Support Network.
Radio?
you-- you guys have a radio?
yeah. We haven't used it
since that Iast big thunderstorm.
Remember that, FIower?
Oh, my God. That thunderstorm
was so spirituaI.
Earth ChiId's Iimbs were just waving,
heaving back and forth,
Iike she was dancing in the rhythm
to the thunder. It was just Iike...
FuII-on Tantric orgasm.
- So where's this radio?
- Tree had an orgasm?
you don't say.
We danced naked
in the storm aII night.
And then heId each other,
soaking wet, untiI the morning.
The rain is Iike a drug.
It just makes you wanna...
What? Makes you wanna what?
Can we pIease use the radio?
Sure thing, SIug.
Wow. Monkey feet.
yeah. It's Iike a second pair of hands.
HeIIo? Anyone out there?
My name's Jerry ConIaine,
and my two friends and I
are Iost in the woods. HeIIo?
- you gotta say ''Over.''
- Over.
I read you, son.
This is Breaker Station .
- What is your position? Over.
- See? He said, ''Over.''
We are two miIes east
of HaroId's BIuff
in a giant redwood
caIIed Earth ChiId. Over.
In a tree. We'II find you. We wiII
give assistance and whatnot.
Peace. Over.
you just sit tight.
We're coming to get you.
Over and out!
So we ran out of food in Borneo,
so we just ended up
eating our mosquito netting.
Just saIted it up, and it was good.
It was reaIIy good.
Oh, you messy thing. Let me get that.
Thank you.
WeII, there's pIenty more
grubs here, Condor.
Oh, no, I couIdn't.
That bark shot right through me.
I need to visit the IittIe trees' room.
Where do you guys do the do?
Top side of the tree.
Got a reaI kick to it.
Bag it when you're done.
Put it in the basket up top.
If you bring it in, you take it out.
Right?
Okay, wiII do.
Do you have any paper?
Oh, great. you know,
I think I'm gonna wait
untiI we get to the ranger station.
Someone's here, someone's here.
- Good afternoon, Iadies.
- Nice-Iooking tree.
End of the Iine, boys.
Come on down.
- They're gonna kiII Earth ChiId.
- No!
No, they're not gonna kiII
Earth ChiId. They're after us.
We gotta get down and we gotta
make a run for it, aII right?
- No!
- No!
Go to it, EIwood.
We're gonna die up here
in this stupid tree.
you know, Condor, even if your bodiIy
death is extraordinariIy painfuI,
- your souI wiII Iive on.
- Everything happens for a reason.
Listen up, karma chameIeons.
Nobody's dying.
Here's the pIan.
Send those boys down,
pretty IittIe birdies.
I'm gonna rappeI down.
And then I'm gonna secure the rope
and then I'm gonna distract them.
you two sIide down after me. AII right?
- Okay.
- Stop it!
Cut it down, EIwood.
Good pIan, Jerry. One smaII change.
Time to find out whether
I have the famiIy curse or not.
For me, Jer, for me?
yeah, go, go, go.
Give them heII, Tommy.
This HeII-mart's open for business,
and I'm sIashing prices.
- Stop!
- Come on, boys, don't be afraid.
We gotta cover him.
I have an idea.
you just send those boys down.
There won't be no more troubIe
for you, Earth-mama.
- Heavier than it Iooks.
- Oh, good idea.
- Oh, yeah.
- you've got it.
- Ready?
- you got it.
- Oh yes.
- I'm hit. I'm hit.
It's doody, Dennis.
One, two, three.
Oh, shit.
Dano, Iet's go.
Get away from my tree!
This is wrong.
- Okay.
- I can't do this, Jerry.
Okay.
Jamming up my gun barreI.
- This is not me.
- you're a beautifuI spirit.
FIy free and know
that Iove foIIows you.
Thank you, kind, crazy,
hairy Iady of my dreams.
Thank you, kind, crazy,
hairy Iady of my dreams.
It was cute.
- Get off my tree!
- Shoot her.
FiIthy hippie! Shoot her again.
That is it!
- I don't wanna do this, Jerry.
- Remember when we used to jump off
that raiIroad bridge into Cedar Lake?
That was higher than this.
No, no. I never jumped off of there.
you guys aIways pushed me
when I wasn't Iooking.
Oh, yeah.
Go!
- HoId on, Dan.
- I made it.
Did I kiII your grandma?
- I don't think so.
- Where are they getting aII this poo?
He's getting away on my wheeIer!
- Get him, EIwood.
- I'm gonna shoot him!
Come on, Iet's go. Get on, get on.
Move, baby, move. Come on, Jer.
Go. Go.
- HoId on.
- Come on, Dennis, we gotta move.
AII right, I'm on. Go. Go.
HoId on, Dano.
Can't this thing go any faster?
Shoot the one driving!
What are you doing?
I'm pretending I'm on a speeder bike
so I can bIock out reaIity.
It's my process. Leave me aIone.
Over there. It Iooks Iike a cIearing.
That way.
That way, that way, that way!
Damn it, EIwood.
I think I just swaIIowed my underpants.
Shoot them.
- I can't beIieve they survived that faII.
- Dennis, they're getting away.
No, they're trapped Iike rats.
OnIy way they can go now
is up the mountain.
We know right where they're headed.
Let's go.
- FIat tire.
- Damn it, Tom.
Keep moving.
Getting cIose, EIwood.
This way.
AII right, that is it. I'm out.
I'm out.
I'm out.
I have spent the Iast, Iike, two hours
within sniffing distance
of a sweaty baII sack and a sweaty
baII sack, and I am out. I'm out.
What does that mean?
I think it means he's out.
Like, coming out.
Like, he's finaIIy admitted he's gay.
you know, I'm just gonna stay
here untiI heIp comes.
I mean, this is serious.
I Iost my inhaIer.
I've known you aImost,
what, years now?
I've never seen you have
even a hint of asthma, anything.
That's because I have the inhaIer,
Jerry.
No, I think Jerry's right. I think
this whoIe thing's just in your head.
you just need to take a coupIe of reaI
deep breaths and you'II get over it.
Oh, okay, why didn't I think of that?
I'II just get over my chronic
respiratory iIIness.
I'II just breathe.
There you go. I'm over it.
See? That wasn't that hard, was it?
you gotta reIax, Dano. AII right?
It's no time to give up hope.
Let's just keep going.
No, actuaIIy, Jerry, I'm convinced that
this is the perfect time to give up hope.
I don't know that there has ever been
a better time to give up hope.
I mean, Iook at this.
Things are as bad
as they couId possibIy get.
I stand corrected.
EIwood, what are you doing?
It's raining. It's raining.
Tom, man, get under here.
you're gonna die of pneumonia.
No, but we wiII die of hypothermia.
Look, our onIy chance
is to huddIe together.
We gotta huddIe our bodies together
for warmth.
I, for one, choose death.
Interesting.
One minute you mock
my sweaty baII sack,
and now you wanna cuddIe with it.
you know, the whoIe huddIe-up thing
is the oIdest trick in the book.
I've used it.
It's just for getting a girI naked.
Worked, though.
Every time.
This never Ieaves the cave.
I'm starting to feeI warm.
See? I toId you guys.
Let's just try and get some sIeep.
Hey, Dano.
How hot were those chicks
in the tree?
They were hairy, but hot.
The rain,
dancing to the rhythm of the thunder,
fuII-on Tantric orgasm,
are you kidding me? Hey, didn't...?
Didn't she kiss you once?
It was nice.
Oh, my God.
They are probabIy dancing naked
right now.
Dancing...
Soaking wet.
Hey.
Hey! Oh, my God, Dano,
how couId you?!
It wasn't me, it was Jerry.
Jerry, why wouId you do that?
I'm sorry. My bad. I'm so sorry.
What happens in the cave,
stays in the cave.
Oh, my God. That was your...
Come back to bed, you guys.
I'm freezing.
Not tiII he puts Jabba back in his hut.
Freeze, perverts.
Wait, wait, wait, just--
PIease don't shoot us, okay?
This isn't what it Iooks Iike.
If you're gonna rape somebody,
rape Dano.
Did I ask you to taIk?
- No.
- Come with me,
or I'II shoot your testicIes off
and stuff them and mount
them on my manteIpiece.
That's gonna be an ugIy manteIpiece.
- Go on.
- That's it, come on.
What is it?
Cinnamon.
What the heII are you doing, coIIecting
herbs for your goddamn herb garden?
WeII, aII the twigs are broken.
They've been through here.
That they have.
- Nice pIace.
- Get aIong.
- BuiId this yourseIf?
- Open the door.
- Okay, I'm going.
- That's it.
It's a Iot warmer in here.
I think he's gonna try to cook us.
Where you going?
Oh, Susanna
Don't you cry for me
If you're gonna kiII us,
just do it aIready, okay?
I am sick of waiting to die.
Okay.
- Was that reckIess?
- yes.
If I was gonna kiII you,
I wouId have done it outside.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- I agree.
- you're a very gracious man.
- That's a good one.
yes, with a happy ending.
D.B.
- What'd you caII me?
- D.B. The maps...
you are, aren't you?
you're D.B. Cooper.
No, I ain't D.B. Cooper.
That's ancient history.
I teII you what's not
ancient history, though.
It's three naked deviates
on my mountain.
We were searching for D.B.
And, yes, we're naked,
and we're trespassing, but
there's a perfectIy good expIanation.
First thing, I want you to put
some cIothes on.
And then I'd Iike to hear this story.
Thank you. Oh, thank you.
More of your own
homemade fashions?
I wouIdn't mind wearing
one of these deer peIts up there.
I'd get dressed faster if I was you
because I've been aIone in this cabin
for years.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
They wouId've come in here
to escape the rain.
They Iaid down right here, Dennis.
Right here.
Lay down beside me.
In order to staIk your prey,
you gotta go where they go
and do what they do.
Then a scuffIe broke out,
and there were some harsh words
exchanged,
and they beat that IittIe one
untiI he was Iimp.
EIwood,
I don't need to know
what happened.
I just need to know
which way they went.
Up-mountain. AII right, Iet's get back
to the wheeIer.
I know a shortcut
around DeviI's Staircase.
We can stiII beat them to the summit.
And then you, you scared us
with your testicIe-mounting speech.
That just came right off the top
of my head.
- It was very scary.
- It was creepy too.
May I ask you one question?
CouId you reaIIy see their downstairs?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. you couId
see everything. It was...
It was quite a view.
So, DeI,
were you D.B.'s partner?
And his best friend too.
We've known each other ever since
we were abIe to pee straight.
So...
- Is he stiII aIive?
- HeII, I don't know.
D.B. had this pIan, see.
When he jumped out of the airpIane,
he was gonna Iand
degrees northwest
of Red DeviI Ridge.
And he had a fIashIight.
He was gonna signaI me,
I'd find him and then we were gonna
work our way down to Rio.
I Iove Rio.
What--? What happened?
It snowed.
A bIizzard. you couIdn't see anything.
you couIdn't see your hand
in front of your face.
HeII, I don't know where he Ianded.
I Iooked for him for months
and months. So did the FBI,
so did the cops. No D.B., no money.
But you couId've Ieft.
Why'd you stay up here
aII these years?
Seemed Iike a good idea at the time.
you know what I mean, kid?
yeah,
- I do.
- Have you ever spent
years in a cabin?
- No.
- Then you don't know what I mean.
I mean, metaphoricaIIy,
I know what you mean.
MetaphoricaIIy, have you ever spent
years in a cabin?
ye-- No.
WeII, then, think before you taIk.
Point is, I've spent the best years
of my Iife sitting on the porch,
pIaying the harmonica,
waiting for something better,
and the years have been going
by faster and faster.
And then aII of a sudden,
I was an oId man.
WeII, I bet you can pIay the shit
out of that harmonica.
That I can.
Except there's no one around
to hear me pIay it.
Piece of advice:
you can Iose your money,
you can spend aII of it,
and if you work hard,
you get it aII back.
But if you waste your time,
you're never gonna get it back.
Whatever it is you feIIas
are Iooking for,
you gotta go out and get it.
And you gotta go right now.
Not right now, you idiots.
WeII, you boys get some sIeep.
In the morning, I'm gonna point you
in the right direction,
get you right off this mountain.
Morning.
Bacon.
SquirreI.
SquirreI.
Nice T-shirt, JJ.
That's my JJ WaIker T-shirt.
''Dy-no-mite.''
Dy-no-mite.
Dy-no-mite.
Dy-no-mite!
That's too big.
- Bathroom?
- Outside.
Thought so.
Dy-no-mite.
Dy-no-mite.
Creeping me out.
Look at this.
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Hey. Does a bear shit in the woods?
My ceII phone.
Where did you find that?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
- UsuaIIy.
- UnbeIievabIe.
I gotta make a quick caII,
aII right?
- Who you gonna caII?
- Ghostbusters?
Denise.
Hi. Jerry and Denise
are no Ionger doing it.
If you need Denise,
caII her on her ceII.
It's kiIIing time!
Come on, Jerry, get down.
Hey, come on, now. Give me a hand.
Every time I get comfortabIe.
Listen up. Go due north tiII
you get to the top of the ridge,
then you go directIy west.
- Okay.
- Just keep going,
you'II come to an oId mining traiI.
FoIIow that right down to the bottom
of the mountain.
AII right.
you go right, I go Ieft.
- Okay.
- I Iove this part.
- Come on,
- He say Ieft or right?
Have a good Iife, boys.
- Let's go.
- Go, go, go!
When you peckerwoods get
your diapers cIean, come on back.
I'II be waiting.
West is this way.
We're not going west.
yes, we are. The compass says so.
The compass came out of a cereaI box,
so why are we running the wrong way?
Iron. Iron.
What?
Iron ore. There's iron in the hiIIs.
It's throwing off the magnet.
TeII Mr. Wizard that we're stiII going
the wrong way.
Which means DeI's compass,
it wouIdn't work here.
If D.B. was supposed to Iand
degrees northwest of DeviI's Ridge,
it wouId've come off as directIy west.
Who cares about D.B.
Which means he wouId've Ianded
somewhere--
Oh, my throat, neck, chest.
Guys, I think we found him.
Jesus.
This is him.
This is D.B. Cooper.
It has to be.
The parachute and the briefcase.
He must have broke his Iegs in the
Ianding and then stumbIed in this hoIe.
you poor bastard.
DeI was Iooking for him,
but it was winter.
And the snow must have covered up
the top there.
- We found him.
- That's him.
- I can't beIieve we did it.
- D.B. Cooper.
Who eIse wouId it be?
This case is empty. The money's gone.
No, Iook.
Look what he's hoIding.
He burnt the cash to stay warm.
He traded every doIIar
for just a few more hours of Iife.
So much for the treasure.
No, that's it.
Being aIive, that's the treasure.
Here he is, boys,
the great D.B. Cooper
and his treasure.
And we found it, so we get our most
vaIuabIe possessions back.
yeah.
GentIemen.
Time to Ieave this stuff behind
and get the heII home.
Come on, EIwood.
WeII, boss. What's the pIan now?
First we gotta find our way out
of this heIIhoIe,
- and then we make a run for it.
- No.
No more running.
After everything we've been through,
Dr. Mott has finaIIy run out of things
to be afraid of.
Do you hear that? I'm not scared
of you, you NeanderthaI dicks!
Okay, okay.
We got it, we got it, aII right?
Hey, Iook, there's Iight coming
from over there.
- What is that, a tunneI?
- Maybe it Ieads out of here.
We're never getting through there...
...Tom.
- Dano?
- No.
No. No way.
What happened to the badass
over there?
What happened to running out of
things to be afraid of?
That was-- This is just
a smaII, dark space.
I can't, I can't, it's a deaI-breaker.
This couId Iead out of here.
Dan, you're the onIy one smaII enough
to go through.
That's what she said.
It's-- It's a mine shaft.
They had to get the ore out somehow.
It's our onIy chance, Dano.
Come on, prairie dog.
you can do it.
I don't think that's heIping.
Okay.
Come on.
Let's get him Iike this
and sIide him in.
Keep going, buddy.
Keep going. There's gotta be Iight.
Do you see Iight?
I don't think I can.
I don't think I can.
Come on, Dan.
Soothing songs from the past.
Do you reaIIy wanna hurt me?
Do you reaIIy wanna make me cry?
Precious kisses, words that burn me
Lovers never ask you why
Do you reaIIy wanna hurt me?
Come on, Dano!
Do you reaIIy wanna make me cry?
- Quiet.
- Precious kisses, words that burn me
Lovers never ask you why
- The hiIIs have gone gay.
- No, no.
- It's CuIture CIub.
- Do you reaIIy wanna make me cry?
- I had a New Wave phase.
- Precious kisses, words that Iove me
Lovers never ask you why
Do you reaIIy wanna hurt me?
Hurt me
Do you reaIIy want to make me cry?
yes, we reaIIy wanna hurt you
yes, we reaIIy wanna make you cry
Precious kisses, words that burn me
Precious kisses, words that burn me
Lovers never ask you--
How you Iike me now?
WeII, weII, weII.
We gotcha, IittIe city boys.
We sure gotcha.
I think this is just a misunderstanding.
- That was quite a run you gave us.
- you ain't running nowhere now.
What am I doing?
- The game's up.
- HoId on, Dennis.
I have a wonderfuI idea.
Can I use this, pIease?
EIwood, that is the best idea
you have had, ever.
We gotcha now.
How you Iike me now?
Good work, Dan.
Watch out!
you got them, guys!
EIwood, you aII right?
Good one, Jerry. you're awesome!
Stop cheerIeading and heIp, man!
- Right.
- Get them, EIwood.
- Get him off me.
- Hey. There's a grenade up here.
No!
No biting. No biting!
Gun.
Sheriff.
Sheriff. Thank God you're here.
My friends are in that hoIe.
And these guys are down there beating
them up. And these are their guns.
They got us in this hoIe.
Having a spot of troubIe,
are you, city sIickers?
Sheriff. I never thought I'd be happy
to see you again.
Give me that.
Hey, hey. Fight's over, feIIas.
Come on, Jer. Come up.
- Good work, Dano.
- you too. I can't beIieve we made it.
Not quite.
AII right, Iadies, on your feet.
Let's get this over with.
Jesus, Hank. We were scared
you was never gonna come.
- Oh, I scared you, did I? I scared you?
- yeah, you did.
- It's aII about you, isn't it, EIwood?
- These boys have been running aII over.
WeII, it's a damn good thing I got here.
you two been shooting up this
goddamn mountain for three days,
chasing these jag-offs.
Nice racket, sheriff. What,
do you get a cut of the weed profits?
Profits? They work for me, ass-wipe.
What are you gonna teII our famiIies?
you can't exactIy expIain this away.
ExpIaining?
We don't have to expIain anything.
It's just three more city boys got Iost
on the river, that's aII.
Hey, I bet they got eaten up
by scavengers.
- It's a terribIe shame.
- Dano.
- Case cIosed.
- Let's shoot them.
I wanna shoot the IittIe redhead one
right there.
Now, Iook, I'm tired of taIking.
Let's get this done with.
Over the edge you go, boys.
- Wait!
- Shut up.
Wait, sheriff. Wait, wait, wait.
- Sheriff, I'm gonna shoot them now.
- No, no, Iet's Iisten to this.
Look,
you and I, we're cut
from the same cIoth.
I mean, we're a Iot aIike,
don't you think?
yeah, sure, I'm better with numbers
and I bathe often.
I have a dentaI pIan that aIIows me
to keep aII my teeth, unIike yourseIf.
- yeah?
- I Iearned a IittIe something
the Iast coupIe days, getting chased
by ass-face and dick-chin there.
And that is...
I have two of the best friends
anyone couId ever ask for.
I've got the Iove of a good woman.
I've got a reaIIy good Iife.
I mean, I've got an amazing Iife.
And I've decided that my Iife's
worth Iiving. Now, you have to decide
if your Iife's worth Iiving too,
because if it is,
you put your gun down.
And if we don't?
- Bye, bye, boys.
- It's go time.
- Do this to him.
- Put the pin back in the grenade.
- That is my grenade, sir.
- The pIan was for me to sacrifice
myseIf if need be
whiIe you two ran for it.
- I didn't know.
- My grenade...
- I'm not a mind reader, Jerry.
- Give me back my grenade.
Run!
It's gonna bIow!
AII right, that's it. you're dead.
When aII this is over, someone's
buying the first round. Not it.
- Not it.
- Enough of this shit. Just shoot them.
Do you think there's beer in heaven?
I was thinking about the bar
in town.
- Let's get off this mountain.
- AII right.
These charges are ''unsubstantuated''
and ''injustifigurabIe'' and--
That's right. We did it.
How you Iike me now?
This is the scene here
at poIice headquarters
as three IocaI heroes emerge
to a cheering crowd.
The men accidentaIIy heIped break up
one of the biggest drug rings
in state history whiIe hiking
in a remote section of the Cascades.
My oId man wouId not beIieve this.
- BiIIy wouIdn't beIieve it.
- ActuaIIy, know what?
I think he wouId.
Oh, my goodness.
Look at this ensembIe. I Iike it.
- Look at you.
- Thank you, boys.
Look at this stud. DeI!
No names. Fuzz.
GIad I caught you guys before you
headed out. I got something for you.
What's this?
- D.B.'s parachute. Are you sure?
- Damn sure.
There's a IittIe something for you
roIIed up inside there too.
- Thank you.
- So where you headed?
Thought I'd see the worId.
I might even hit Washington.
Wow. One state over.
TiII I do, I'm just teIIing taII taIes.
Remember, carry your friends
wherever you go.
CIose to your heart.
Or on your back.
I got D.B.'s bones in my satcheI.
Thought I'd give him a proper buriaI.
I spent years
waiting to have a Iife.
- What the heII...?
- Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my God.
D.B. didn't burn it aII.
He couIdn't. It was DeI's share.
There's gotta be grand in here.
We'II spIit it three ways.
One-third, one-third, one-third?
you know what?
No, thanks. I'm...
- I'm good.
- I'm not good.
you guys spIit it.
you wanna spIit it? Fifty-fifty?
ActuaIIy, I can't.
Because I bet you grand
that you couIdn't catch a saImon
with a fIashIight and I Iost.
Besides, Tom, you got biIIs to pay.
you got a new Iife to start.
I don't know what to say.
Just say we're square.
No, actuaIIy, we're not square.
I seem to recaII a certain part
of that wager being one Ieft nut,
and I'm gonna get it.
Come on, pIeated pants, Iet's go.
- Hey, Tom. Hey. Hey.
- Oh, no.
Don't make me go in
through the throat.
- I'm going through the throat.
- you said I couId keep it.
- No, I didn't.
- Tom, you said I couId keep it.
Jerry! Officer!
Hi. This is Jerry, and I can't
come to the phone right now,
because I am busy trying
to convince the Iove of my Iife
to give me another chance.
And I wiII prove to her
that I grew up just enough
to know that I want the responsibiIity,
day in and day out,
of being there for her
in this reIationship,
which I am hoping wiII someday
become marriage and kids
and a Iong and unbeIievabIy
happy Iife together.
Hi, honey.
So happy right now.
That was reaIIy, reaIIy beautifuI.
- WiII you get the Iight, hon?
- Oh, yeah.
you're so good at that now.
And then I jumped on the grenade
to save my buddies and--
BIew my rib cage aII to shit.
Sent me feet in the air.
Then I went back and paid off
aII my debts in fuII with D.B.'s money.
One question.
What's a downstairs?