Voila! Finally, the The Woman In Red
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the Gene Wilder movie. This script is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of The Woman In Red. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
How the hell did I get up here?I still can't believe it.Just four weeks ago,I was a completely different person.I had no adventure in my life.I had a wife.I had a family.And I never looked twicewhen a pretty girl walked by.Never.
- Four, please.
- Me, too.
- Can I help you?
- Yes, I'm looking... What's that?
It's the air conditioner.
It'll come on in a second.
- Sorry.
- Excuse me.
I beg your pardon!
I'm losing my briefcase.
I don't know.
No, I've never tried it that way before.
No, I'm not worried.
It's just that I've never tried it
in that position before.
It's all new to me.
Well, I know you have to wet it
before you put it in.
You have to, or it could break off.
How far? I don't know how far.
All the way, I suppose.
I know you have to keep wiggling it
to get all the hairs off it.
All right!
Put that phone down.
I can't talk to you now. I'll call you back later.
Do you have to talk like that at work?
Can't you save that filthy stuff
until you get home?
That was my brother.
- Your brother?
- Yeah.
He and I are trying to set up
a photo-processing lab at my place.
That way I can take stuff home. For example...
All right!
- Where's the figures on the cable-car campaign?
- It's on the third floor...
Get them for me right away!
We've wasted enough time on this.
Yes, sir.
I spent two months on that.
- I want you to roll down the map and show me.
- All right.
Okay.
Hello?
Will you have dinner with me tonight?
What?
La Primavera, in North Beach.Tonight.
I know who you are.
: ?
Why?
Just because.
I can't make it at...
... : .
Say, : ?
Yes.
Why are you speaking to me in German?
Why?
I mean, the modeling agency told me
that you were from Germany.
It's not me.
Well, I'd better check.
Where am I going?
How do I look?
The earrings are too much, aren't they?
Here, you keep 'em for me, honey.
I'll do it. You keep your eyes on the road.
They were killing me, anyway.
Didi, what was I gonna ask you?
I wanted to ask you something.
Would you like to go to the movies tonight?
Tonight's study group.
What do you mean?
What's today? Today's Wednesday?
I thought today was Thursday.
What's the matter with me?
I'd like to go anyway, if it's all right with you.
I can't put up with those crazies tonight.
It's all arranged.
You're taking the girls to the movies.
I promised them you would.
Anyway, you deserve a night out.
So, what do you say?
- What do you mean? Of course. Sure.
- You're wonderful.
Honey.
See you tonight.
Thanks for the lift.
You know, you're cute when you serve.
Go ahead, Teddy. What are you nervous about?
Serve the ball.
Now come on, calm down.
Let the man serve, Buddy.
You got nothing to worry about.
It's only set point. It's not like your life.
It's just your self-respect.
Give him that solid one. Give him the ace.
Teddy, come on!
What is it? Am I talking too much?
We'll calm down. We'll take it easy.
Teddy wants to serve.
Okay?
You can do it. Put it right in there.
What a serve!
Switch!
Okay, here we go now. You ready?
Get that racquet ready, I'm coming at you.
This baby is mine!
- You hit the net.
- Follow-through.
- You can't!
- On the follow-through!
- You still can't hit the net.
- I hit it on the follow-through.
I hit this ball first, then the net,
on the follow-through.
It's our point. It's - . You're in the shit house.
- Anybody ever tell you you're cute?
- You're cute, too.
- How you doing?
- Okay.
What's the matter, he getting to you?
No.
- So, what's that matter?
- Nothing.
Hey!
Look at that!
Oh, my. That is serious Nautilus.
Miss!
Thank you.
Those are fine-looking racquets
you got there, girls.
What are they, Heads?
Joe, there's a phone call for you.
Do me a favor and take it for me, will you?
I met them on separate nights.
How could I know they're sisters?
- You're in a lot of trouble, Joe.
- No way.
I got a date with the little one at :
and the older one at : . Plenty of time.
What about Theresa?
What about Theresa?
Doesn't she notice anything
when you go with someone for a while?
Like you used to go with that girl before.
Doesn't she think anything's up?
Look.
Theresa's got the kids to worry about.
She's too busy to notice anything.
And they're great kids.
She's years old,
she's a very happily married woman.
You see. She smiles all the time.
- Does she do it?
- Does she do what?
What do you mean, "Does she do what?"
- What do you mean, "Does she do what?"
- Does she does she do it, too?
- Do what, too?
- Does she have affairs, too?
Teddy, you're my friend, and I love you.
You're a sweet, sensitive guy...
...but you're very naive.
To think that my Theresa...
...would fool around?
- I just asked a question.
Do you believe this man asking
whether my Theresa would fool around?
I find it hard to imagine
your wife sleeping with you.
Teddy.
What am I laughing at?
Are you sure?
All right, I'll let him know. Thank you.
- Are you staying for lunch, Doctor?
- No. Joe!
What else did the neighbor say?
Nothing. She was coming over
to return a warming tray...
...and she ran into the bunch
coming down the steps.
Theresa, the kids, and all the furniture.
There was a big van waiting for them.
What a bitch.
Come on, she was our friend, too.
Wonder if it was her furniture?
- Why do you have to talk about that?
- What should we do, cry?
I just want to know
if she had a right to take all the furniture.
Is it from Theresa?
Found a picture of me with another woman.
Naked?
In a night club.
This isn't happening.
This isn't fucking happening!
It's not happening!
Son of a bitch!
Bitches, fucking whore!
Teddy, what could we do to cheer up Joe?
- Want to do the blind man with me tonight?
- I can't do that.
- You do the blind man with me?
- No, I get nervous.
Joe needs a good laugh.
We'll take him to the place
where they threw him out.
I get too nervous.
Came in with a cardigan.
They wanted him to put on one of their jackets.
- Okay, Michael? Come on.
- No, I get too nervous.
- Are you tied up with Mrs. Schumacher?
- I'm not tied up with her.
- His boss's wife.
- I don't believe it.
I'm telling you. You were away on vacation.
He's banging Dr. Schumacher's wife.
Son-of-a-gun!
Are you making it with Schumacher's wife?
- Only at night.
- If it's an emergency.
- "Only at night?"
- Ask him.
The time it takes me to drive there...
...is the exact same time it takes him
to scrub and put on his gloves.
If it's not a big job, it's not worth it to me.
If it's appendicitis, I don't go.
But, if it's peritonitis or a gall bladder..."Hello, honey, good news.
It's a quadruple bypass!"
So, you say like this:
"Is Mr. Pierce there, please?" Very timid.
- "Is Mr. Pierce there, please?"
- That's it, just like that.
Then I'll get on the phone and say, "Hello?"
Then I'm going to wait a few seconds,
like I'm listening to you, and then I'll say:
"What?
"You want me to come out right now?
"Are you sure that you can't handle this
by yourself, Richard?"
- Who's Richard?
- Richard's my assistant.
He works here at the office with me.
Clear?
Is it a woman?
Is it a woman?
No. It's..."Is it a woman?"
What goes on in your head?
No, it's just...
...we're planning...
Well, it's too complicated.
But don't tell Didi...
...because it's a wonderful surprise.
- You want me to call you at : ?
- : .
It has to be at : sharp.
- Hi, Daddy.
- Hello, sweetie pie.
Did Mom tell you about tonight?
- No. Missy, I'm sorry...
- I'm sorry, Daddy, but...
...Shelly didn't get the tickets until : .
I know you really wanted to go to the movie...
...but it's a once-in-a-lifetime chance,
and his uncle had some pull.
- What tickets are you talking about?
- David Bowie.
You mean, you can't go to the movie?
I'm sorry, Daddy. I feel so bad.
No. Don't be silly.
Are you really disappointed?
Well...
No, I mean, I wanted to go, sure, but...
So these things happen.
I understand that.
- You remember Shelly, don't you?
- Of course.
How are you?
How are you?
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You're a Jewish boy, aren't you?
My mother and father are Jewish.
I see.
- You're taking my little girl to see David Boowie?
- Bowie.
Bowie.
You take care...
...of my girl.
You take care of my girl.
Now, of course,
I'm sure you've heard about the alphabet diet.
Now, that takes weeks.
The first week,
you're allowed anything that begins with an "A."
And, then onto the second week,
you're allowed anything that begins with a "B."
There's only one problem.
You have to watch yourself carefully
because by the time you get to "P"...
...you might put on all the weight
you lost on "K."
Excuse me.
And then, when you get to "X,"
it's very difficult...
...because you start making up
your own spelling, like "X- Benedict"......"X- tra helpings."
So, I would not recommend that diet.
You go through my pockets now?
No.
Not yet. I owe Marty $ .
I think he likes you.
You think everyone likes me.
- They do.
- Oh, well.
Can I get you anything
before I start my study group?
Oh, God.
What honey? What's the matter?
Nothing. It's not even worth talking about.
What?
I was leaving my office and the boss comes in
with this pile of stuff and two assistants...
...says, "Clean this up for tomorrow morning.""Clean this up." Now I'm a cleaning man.
- Will it take long?
- Take long? No, not if I work all night.
I'm just so tired, that's all.
I just don't know if I can stay awake.
I'm so tired.
Baby. Here.
I gave half to Richard, but...
...he panics, he gets so nervous.
I don't know if he can handle it.
Baby. Can I fix you a drink?
You know...
...I really think they're taking advantage of me.
- Want Campari and soda?
- Yeah, that would be nice.
Thanks.
You just...
You gotta draw a line and say, "No more.
"You can't go past this line."
Who's staying for dinner?
Honey, why are you shaving?
Why am I shaving?
What the hell is the matter with me?
Did you want this tie out?
No.
What do I want another tie for?
Honey, you're overtired.
I think that you should take a little nap
before you eat.
Come here and sit close to me.
What's this?
What do you mean? This is Joe's little boy.
I know it's Joe's little boy,
but what's he doing here?
S-M-I-L-E.
Where is his...
...M- O-M-M-Y?
She didn't tell me. It's just for one night.
- She didn't tell you?
- No, she didn't.
Don't frighten him.
What a cute little pee-pee.
You leave his little pee-pee alone.
His Daddy's little pee-pee started all this.
One, two, three. Hit it.
- Hello, gentlemen. How are we tonight?
- Fine, how you feeling, Andy?
How am I feeling? What do you mean?
Why shouldn't I be feeling fine?
No, this nice man
just wanted to know how you were.
I'm fabulous!
I've never felt better in my life!
Well, great.
What'll you have?
- What'll you have?
- Southern Comfort with ice.
Make that two.
Okay. You bet.
I'll be right back. I gotta lock my car.
There you are.
Cigarette?
- What was that?
- Nothing, sir. Just setting up your drinks.
- What was that?
- Nothing.
Jake!
- He said he'd be back in just...
- Jake!
He said he'd be back in a minute, Andy.
- How did you know any name?
- Well, your friend called you...
Jake!
Where are you?
What is this?
What are you doing?
What are you doing with me?
What is this?
What the hell is this thing?
What kind of a place is this?
Hey!
- I'm right here, Andy.
- Jake!
I'm right here.
Don't ever leave me again, Jake.
I'm sorry, he can't, he's...
Sorry.
At the tone,the time will be : and seconds.
All right, time to go back to bed.
You don't want your mommy
to be angry with me, do you?
Come here.
I want my mommy.
When you wake up,
your mommy will be here to pick you up.
Night-night.
Is she on a date?
I don't know.
She asked me to keep him for one night.
Well, what about the other kids?
I don't know.
Well, what am I supposed to say to Joe?
Nothing!
Don't you tell that son of a bitch anything!
Come on now. He's our friend.
He's a rat.
I would have left him long before she did.
What is that supposed to mean?
If anything like that ever happened to us...
...I don't know what I would do.
- We better just drop the subject.
- No. Now, wait a minute.
Now we're talking nicely and calmly.
Let's hear what you have to say on the subject.
Teddy...
I know you think you know everything about me,
but you don't.
I'm really a very jealous woman.
I know you think, emotionally, I'm like this, but...
...you know, I really...
...am a little...
...crazy.
But just in some ways.
- Why are you telling me all this?
- You asked me.
I know I asked you,
but you make it sound as if we're not a happily...
What?
What have you got there?
It's a gun.
I know it's a gun,
but when did you ever get a gun?
Well, Mama gave it to me after they moved.
You realize you might have shot me?
I would never do that.
I mean, not without a reason.
You're not like Joe.
Do you know what he did to Theresa,
right in front of me?
He had his secretary call at : at night...
...and say he had work to do at the office.
- He did that?
- Yes.
You mean, that old trick still works?
Not anymore.
I'll get it.
Hello?
Yes, just a minute. It's Richard.
Hello.
Yes, Richard. How are you?
Yes.
You what?
Is this a joke?
You want me to do what?
Are you crazy?
They said...
They said I should do...
I should do what?
They want me to come out at : at night...
...and leave my wife and children?
I don't care!
: : what difference does it make?
I'm not a wind-up toy.
You tell my superiors at the office,
who can give me raises and promotions...
...that if they don't like my answer,
they can go take it and shove it up their ass.
That's the best joke I've heard all year.
Hey!
Now what's going on?
Hey, fellas, come on now.
Let's just shake hands, we'll go home.
What the hell did you hit him for,
for Christ's sake?
What kind of a fellow are you,
pushes a blind man?
Hello?
Okay. I'll be right over, sweetheart.
Are you sure it's a gallbladder?
You better hurry.
They moved the meeting up minutes.
Why doesn't anybody ever tell me these things?
It's like an oven over there.
Air conditioning must be on the blink again.
What's that?
She's the girl they chose for
the cable-car campaign.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yes.
- Who is she?
- Ask the boss. He found her.
He goes riding once a week in Golden Gate Park.
Guess what he saw galloping through the fog?
Horseback riding?
Ridden much?
Yes, since I was a little boy.
I used to teach horseback riding
to earn extra money.
- See you later.
- See you later.
Okay! Here we go!
Come on.
Everything okay?
Yes. I have a pebble...
...in my finger, in the glove.
Better to get it out now than when you're...
...tearing along like that, you know.
Okay! Come on, big fella.
Hi-ho, Thunder!
Away!
Everything's okay?
Yeah, I was just wondering
whether I should call my wife...
Hey!
The ride to the left is the prettiest!
Yes, I just want to take a look
over here for a second!
I searched all day long...... but I couldn't find that womanwho was haunting me.Hello?
How would you like to smoke the peace pipe?
Who is this?
You don't know me?
I had dinner alone at La Primavera.
It's you.
I'm so sorry I wasn't there the other night.
Please, forgive me.
My mother had a heart attack.
I had to spend the night with her in the hospital.
- How is she?
- Better.
She's trotting around.
I mean, she's walking around nicely now, but...
...it was a terribly close call.
Do you know Le Club...
...at the corner of Jones Street and Clay?
Yes.
: .
Hi-ho, pal.
- Got a light?
- Yeah.
- Thanks. Catch you later.
- Sure.
Heart.
Family heart!
Help!
Somebody help!
Hello!
Wait!
Don't move!
Move!
Go!
Hello!
Wait!
Hello, there!
Easy, big fella. Easy!
Steady, Thunder!
Steady, boy! Take it easy.
Everything's under control.
You're in no danger whatsoever.
Easy does it.
Don't be nervous.
Hello, there.
Hello.
That's a gorgeous animal you have there.
I'm somewhat of an expert.
That's a superb specimen.
- She's a beauty.
- Yes, he is nice. Thank you.
Wait!
Move!
Go!
Right, Thunder! To the right, Thunder.
To the right!
Hello again.
Mind if I ride along with you for a while?
No. I don't mind.
Fancy meeting you here.
Do you ride very often?
Yes, since I was a boy.
I used to teach riding
in order to earn a little extra money.
- Really?
- Yes.
By the way, about the other night.
I wanted to explain.
What other night?
I see.
Excuse me!
All right, you want to play it that way,
it's all right with me. I don't mind.
My riding crop.
That's all right. I'll get it.
Say, "I'm sorry," Thunder.
Say, "I am sorry."
Thunder is a sweet horse...
...but, boy, is he dumb!
I hate to be too hard on him.
It could kill his spirit, but...
...boy, is he...
You're a silly horse!
He's just a baby, you know.
Here you are.
Thank you.
You're very gallant.
I'm just...
...a romantic, I guess.
Be good this time.
Be good.
Don't embarrass me.
Wait. Whoa, Thunder!
Wait! You dropped something.
- Good afternoon.
- Good afternoon.
- Good night, Ted.
- Good night, Sharon.
- Have a nice night, Mr. Pierce.
- Thank you. Same to you, Richard.
Why, hello!
Hello, yourself.
What a pleasant surprise.
Well, not really.
I just came to give you back your earring.
- What earring?
- I don't know whose it is.
It fell out of your pocket yesterday
when you got off your horse.
I decided to pick it up after you left so quickly.
Well, it's a nice earring, but it's not mine.
What would I be doing with an earring?
So what's new?
I'm gonna be late for my dance class.
No, wait!
How about having dinner with me?
Thank you, but no.
I know of this funny little place.
It's a fun little Chinese place,
where you sit down on the floor...
...and you can eat with your hands or chopsticks
or anything you want.
For lunch?
No, I'm not free for lunch or dinner.
A little snack in-between?
I'd better be going.
- What's your name?
- Theodore Pierce. Teddy. Ted.
Tomorrow, : Tulio's.
- On Columbus?
- Yeah.
How old is that suit?
This? I don't know.
Six, seven, eight years, maybe.
It looks it.
Wait! What's your name?
Charlotte!
Even longer on the pants.
Longer on the pants?
More sleeve.
You want more sleeve than this?
Listen to me! This is what I know!
But, Buddy, are you sure this style suits me?
- You want to look good at funerals?
- No, I just want to look nice.
Let me see.
Put your arms down.
Now you're cooking with Crisco!
Robert Redford.
Mr. Dengilihan! Great news!
I just got the figures from Community Affairs.
The cable-car campaign's a smash!
All the TV stations, Channel Channel ...
...the newspapers, the magazines...
...all they're talking about is
the reopening of the cable cars.
It's unbelievable. You wouldn't believe it.
It's better than our wildest imagination.
We couldn't have hoped for a better campaign
than what we've got right now.
It's due to you, sir.
It's a wonderful tribute to the whole concept.
Hey. What it is?
I'd like to make a reservation for tonight, please.
A double room.
Something with a king-size bed, if you have it.
Let me have a look.We have that available.Can I have your name, please?
Irving.
Julius...
...Irving.
All right. Could you spell that for me, please?
I-r-v-i...
No, wait a minute!
Yes, sir?
E-r-v-i...
...n- g.
Is there a Theodore Pierce here? Mr. Pierce?
Sorry, nobody here by that name.
Well, nobody's answering.
All right.
Now wait.
Miss Charlotte who?
Wait! Hello! Don't hang up, please.
That's for me. Thank you.
Hello, Charlotte? It's Teddy. Where are you?
I'm in Los Angeles.
In Los Angeles? What are you doing there?
I'm sorry, I'm working.I tried to phone you at work,but you were in a meeting...... and you couldn't be interrupted.
No.
So, listen, why don't you fly down?
To Los Angeles?
The last flight gets here at : p.m.I can meet you at the airport.
But I can't just...
Listen, we'll spend the evening together...... and we'll be back in San Franciscoby : tomorrow morning.Hello?Teddy, hello?
- Honey. What's all this, cutie?
- A celebration.
- For what?
- Just for fun.
I'm too tired to go out, so I wanted
to have a party, just you, the kids and me.
What do you think?
- Shall we have a drink?
- That would be nice.
But take the phone off the hook.
Would you like to make love?
Now?
Take the phone off the hook.
Who's that?
I don't know yet.
Telegram for Theodore Pierce.
It's a telegram!
- A telegram? Who for?
- For you.
For me?
Who from?
- It's from the office.
- All right. Stop the kidding, now.
No, it's not a joke.
"You must attend the transport symposium
in San Diego. Stop.
"Big press coverage. Stop.
"Tickets at airport. : flight. Stop.
"Return San Francisco tomorrow. Stop.
Russell Loughry."
No.
- No?
- No.
I'm not going.
- Teddy!
- I'm not going.
No.
I am not going.
Well, how can you say no?
Easy. No. You see that?
That's not so difficult, is it?
I'm not going! I don't care if they fire me!
I'm not leaving my wife and kids!
Don't act like a child!
Teddy! Stop.
Wait a minute! Hold the plane!
Wait for me!
Hold it! Wait!
Ladies and gentlemen,we are beginning our descent into Los Angeles.Please fasten your seat belts,extinguish all smoking materials...
Finished with your drink, sir?
- What's your name?
- Polly.
Polly?
- That's a lovely name.
- Thank you.
- Thanks very much, Polly.
- Sure.
Sure, you make the announcement.
Ladies and gentlemen.The captain has just informed me thatL.A. Airport is closed due to heavy fog.We will be landing in San Diego. You'll receivefurther instruction once we're on the ground.
Thanks a lot.
Hello?
Hi, honey.
I was running from outside.
I heard the phone ringing.
No, it's okay.
Go ahead.
I took Shelly and the girls to a movie.
Well, don't worry about me.
I have to study, anyway.
Shelly, please get out of my bedroom.
Are you afraid?
What?
Teddy, why are you giving me all these details?
- I am going to scream.
- So will I.
Of course you're in San Diego.
Where else would you be?
- I am going to tell your mother.
- She already knows.
What?
- You're crazy.
- I want to marry you.
Yes, there's plenty of food.
Don't worry about me.
Shelly!
Of course I miss you.
Me, too.
I love you.
Me, too.
I love you. Bye-bye.
Are you going to finish the game or not?
You got any Hershey bars?
While Didi was waiting for mein San Francisco...... Charlotte was waiting in Los Angeles.Two women waiting for mein the middle of the night.Crazy as it seems...... I had adventure in my life.Surprise of surprises.Next day, Joe's wife came back with the kids...... and the furniture.Why she suddenly forgave him, nobody knew.
Eric?
Is there an Eric?
Come on.
The next couple of days were full of surprises.
Hello, Ted.
I just wanted to say,
"Good morning, and have a lovely day."
Hello?
Hello, how are you?The best surprise of allwas a phone call from Charlotte.I thought I wouldn't see her again...... but she called to find outI got back all right from San Diego.During our -minute stroll,I realized I was still in a deep fog.
Here you go.
The only unpleasant surprisewas that in two days...... Joe was back in form.
He's scared.
At : in the morning, he could fool me.
What's the problem?
You go over, you get into bed, you say:
"Dr. Schumacher, I've got a chill coming on.
I thought I'd better get under the covers."
You guys want to play some checkers?
Miss!
- You know where I can buy some checkers?
- That's embarrassing.
I'm in the mood to play a little game
if you have some time.
- I'm very good, really.
- Yeah, right.
She wasn't wearing a bra. Did you see that?
Did you see the way they bounce?
You'd kill for that, Teddy. You'd kill for that.
- I didn't notice she wasn't wearing a bra.
- You're weird.
- I looked at her, though!
- You're weird.
He's a weird guy, isn't he?
- Did you notice that she didn't have a bra?
- What do I know, 'cause I see it every day?
You poor bitch.
It's open.
- How you doing?
- Good.
I thought you'd painted this place.
I was going to, before I moved in with my friend.
Well, you've got a nice chair.
Thanks.
- What color you gonna paint?
- Shocking pink!
This man walks into a doctor's office,
he says, "Doctor...
"...I have a terrible problem.
I can't remember anything."
And...
...the doctor says...
...I mean, the man says:
"I can't think of..."I don't even remember words.
"I can't retain a word.
"There's nothing that I say that I can remember."
And the doctor says:
"How long have you had this problem?"
And the man says, "What problem?"
That's your best joke?
You'll be all right.
It just takes time.
You want to see something? Look at this thing.
I feel silly.
- What if I had a date?
- You won't have a date.
- I said, "What if I have a date?"
- You won't have one!
I know I said that. I said, "What if I had a date?"
If you have a date, I'll be your chauffeur!
All right.
- The joke is over.
- A bet's a bet.
What was this bet?
I told him if I couldn't get him
his new car by tonight, I'd be his chauffeur.
- So, where are we going?
- We're going to Mama Dell's.
You're going on your first date
to your grandmother's?
No, you silly!
We made this date and I remembered
it was Mama Dell's birthday...
...so I called her and I found out
she's gonna be all alone on her th birthday.
We'll drop by for five minutes,
just to have a glass of champagne.
But I'd feel terrible,
because I know it would mean so much to her.
- You don't mind, do you?
- Of course not.
You don't feel concerned at all that...
- What?
- Well, no, I'm just saying, you know.
You know where...
Didi?
Didi and Mama Dell
don't even talk to each other.
Okay.
Who's Didi?
Who's Didi?
Didi...
Didi is...
Didi is Teddy's other grandmother!
Funny woman.
Can't mention her name, but it makes you laugh.
What a kidder!
That Didi.
Will you do me a favor,
and come up for three minutes?
She loves you.
Two minutes. We'll have champagne...
Okay, I'll just come up to say hello
and give her a kiss. But I can't stay.
- All right, I'll see you in two minutes.
- Driver, you can't park here.
Don't give me a hard time.
I'll be a couple minutes.
I'm not giving you a hard time.
You either move the car, or I call the police.
Go ahead up. I'll be right up.
- See you in a little while.
- All right.
- You look beautiful tonight.
- Thank you.
- You smell very good. What is it?
- Sandalwood.
Don't worry, we don't have to stay long.
She'll understand.
- Is that you, Teddy?
- Mama Dell.
Come in, honey.
What's going on here?
You trying to save on the electricity bills?
Mama Dell?
I'd like you to meet a..."Happy birthday to you
"Happy birthday to you
"Happy birthday, dear Teddy
"Happy birthday to you"
Well!
How do you like that?
I don't believe it!
No. Gilbert!
- What are you doing here? You're in Arizona!
- Happy birthday.
But my birthday's tomorrow.
Ain't no surprise tomorrow.
Steetsy, what're you doin' up so late?
- It's Steven, now.
- All right, no more Steetsy.
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Thank you.
Thank you, baby. Thank you very much.
You! Devil-woman!
Happy birthday!
- What're you doin' to me?
- You should've seen the look on your face.
You know why?
Because it's supposed to be your birthday!
- Didi.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.
- Happy birthday, Daddy.
- My little baby!
- Happy birthday, Daddy.
- Another little baby.
Daddy, you smell good.
Did I introduce you?
Didi.
Well, let me introduce you.
I was just so overwhelmed.
I'd like you to meet...
This is...
Everybody, please say hello to...
You know, you really caught me off guard,
you silly people.
No, honestly, you did. You're silly!
You're just silly people.
Anyway, no, I do want you to say hello.
- I want you to meet...
- Where's Mama Dell?
Where's that girl? Hello, darling.
Didi. Hello, darling!
Hey, you lost some weight there,
you're lookin' great!
How are you? I didn't know it was a party!
- We didn't know you were coming!
- I'm not coming. I mean, I can't stay.
I just wanted to come by
and give the birthday girl a kiss!
Happy birthday, sweetie pie!
- Did you say hello, Charlotte?
- Hello.
This is my sweetheart, Mama Dell.
This is my sweetheart.
I love this girl!
Hello, Charlotte.
- Sit down, Charlotte.
- No, we can't stay.
- We've got tickets to a...
- It takes two minutes!
She's crazy about music! What can I tell you?
No, she a stickler for being on time.
She's trying to reform. No, we can't.
It's a family party, everybody.
Happy birthday, Teddy.
I'll give you your present tomorrow.
Good-bye, Mama Dell. Happy birthday!
Say good-bye.
Say, good-bye, Charlotte.
Good-bye.
Good-bye.
All right. Good-bye, everybody.
Yeah, Daddy, hurry up.
Hold it! I'll be right there.
Bye, Mama. Thank you for everything.
- 'Bye, cuz. See you tomorrow.
- Happy birthday, Teddy.
Bye-bye.
Bye! Come back soon.
- Now, I told you, you cannot stay up late.
- But let me watch this one show.
No!
If it's cotton, and if it's blue, you can't go wrong.
Now don't go neurotic on me.
I loved that present.
Teddy!
I'm sorry. It's your birthday.
I hate to run interrupt your celebration.
He's flipped out. I think he's gonna kill himself.
- I don't know who you're talking about.
- Joe!
She left him! She walked out.
I don't know what happened.
- Where is he?
- Across the street.
I'm really sorry.
- Teddy's like the voice of reason.
- You did right. It's terrible.
- I'm terrible at this kind of stuff, Didi!
- Michael!
- Joe, I'm right here. Will you talk to me?
- She left me. I gotta kill her.
Joe, calm down.
- You leave me alone so I can kill her!
- Joe!
I gotta kill her!
I gotta kill her!
- Calm down! Just calm down.
- Let me kill her.
You'll be all right.
Take it easy, you stupid bastards!
I'm finished.
I'm done!
Calm down!
I'm finished!
- Teddy, should I go home?
- Yeah!
- What?
- Yes! Go home!
It's okay.
- Do you have a key?
- Yes! Get the kids out of here!
All right! Girls, go on. I'll be there in a minute.
- She took my kids again.
- Get in the car.
- Why did she take my kids again?
- It'll be all right tomorrow.
- I want to kill her!
- Get in the driver seat.
Get in the car.
- Shut up, down there!
- Up yours, you half a hard on!
Let me get that peckerhead!
Joe, I know you're in a lot of pain,
but I want to tell you something.
No, Teddy! I want to tell you something.
- "Happy birthday to you"
- No.
- "Happy birthday to you"
- No.
- "Happy birthday, dear Teddy"
- You fucks! You fucking jerks!
"Happy birthday to you"
You're babies, you're little babies,
the biggest assholes I've ever seen my life!
- We never said we weren't assholes.
- I said I was an asshole.
Where are we going? Will somebody tell me?
- Somebody wants to see you.
- She's modeling from midnight till dawn.
And she wants you for breakfast.
What am I supposed to say to her?
You say to her,
"Hello, angel-face, you want to see my goods?"
Get out of here! She wants you. Move it!
- It was her idea. Ask Buddy.
- She likes you. Go figure.
What are you talking about?
Look at that face and those eyes.
Look at how that nose sparkles.
What more could you want in a guy?
- How am I supposed to know? Ask Buddy.
- Screw Buddy. I can go for him myself.
If he'd just shave his legs, like I keep telling him.
Shave 'em!
- Happy birthday, Teddy!
- Happy birthday, pal!
Wait a minute. Come here a sec.
Look, really, in all seriousness,
don't get your dick caught in your zipper.
- You have no taste!
- Taste? Who wants taste?
What the hell am I? Charlie the Tuna?
Get out of here. Let's get action.
We're running out of laughs.
Let's go to the opera, drop our pants.
Now, listen here, Teddy bear.
Four weeks ago...
...I met a cute, available...
...old-fashioned guy...
...who liked horse riding.
In one month...
...you got married...
...you had two daughters...
...and you can't ride a horse to save your life.
Don't stare at your shoes, look at me.
Because since tonight...
...I want you more...
...then I ever wanted any other man.
Can you tell me why?
I don't know.
You've been dreaming about this
for a long time, haven't you?
This isn't a dream anymore.
This is really happening.
So, where do you want to break the ice?
Here or in bed?
Well...
Let's see.
I don't mind really.
This is nice here.
The bed is good,
bed might be comfortable, but...
...lots of interesting chairs,
and stools, couches...
Come on, let's go to bed.
It's a water bed.
This should be fun.
Wait a minute. Do you come
into bed with your shoes and socks?
Sorry.
Don't want to start a fire.
They landed on the lamp.
Do you mind taking them off?
Sorry.
Come and get it, cowboy.
Hello?
Charlotte?Charlotte!
Yes!
What is it?
Nothing, my husband's downstairs.
- Your husband!
- Yeah. Hurry up, come on, get dressed!
What do you mean, "Hurry up"?
What husband?
Please, hurry up!
- He wasn't due back until Friday.
- But it's only Wednesday.
Yeah, you want to ask him why?
He's six-foot-two and he's an airline pilot.
If he finds you here, he's going to kill you.
Get dressed.
What are you doing in my husband's robe?
I'm not going to get caught half-dressed!
Why play games?
I'll talk to him man to man, that's all.
Are you crazy?
He's going to tear your balls apart!
- What are you doing? Where are we going?
- Quickly, get outside!
- This is a window!
- I know it's a window. It's this or the door.
You must be joking! That's feet down there.
Please! I won't be very long.
- Come on, Charlotte!
- I won't be long.
He's probably got a taxi waiting.
He never stays long.
Just stand out on the ledge.
- Please, quickly. Don't worry. It's safe.
- God.
- Now, just wait for me there.
- Jesus.
Coming, darling.
Get away.
Who is that?
My God!
Better call the fire department!
There's a man about to jump off of that building!
- What's up, babe? Where we goin'?
- Suicide.
No! Not the ladder! It scares them.
It makes them jump every time! Take it down!
Take it out of here, take it down!
Come on, people, a little cooperation here!Let's have some cooperation. This isa dangerous area. We've got a man up there.Come on, folks.Come on, folks. Give us a break.
Excuse me.
Roger, we got it!
- You got him?
- I got him.
Come on, people.Okay, stand by.Fine, we have reached the network.Stand by. Counting down.Five-four-three-two-one. You're on.Good morning.This is Marvin Kausberg, Channel news.
That looks a little like Daddy.
... a man was seen on the ledge of a ninth-floor...
It does!
The identity of the man is not yet known.The police have arrived and the fire departmentsuicide team, plus a substantial crowd.All of us waiting here,in the small courtyard below...... are very unclear as towhat the man's motives are.He appears relaxed.In fact, he's seated on a small window sill,smoking a cigarette.But he looks disturbed by all the attention...... as he hides his faceand waves the crowd away.The police are trying to control the crowd...... who are now calling for the man to jump.The question being asked here today...... is whether this mandoes or does not want to commit suicide.
Teddy!
Two, three.
It'll be all right!
We'll catch you!
Dive!
- Baby!
- That's so good.
Yes!
What the hell am I doing?I have a wonderful wife!
Jump!
I could have thrown my whole life away.And for what?A piece of ass.What's that girl doing?What is she doing, taking more pictures?No, give me a break!She is cute, though.Look at those legs!Hey, come on, now, stop it. None of that stuff.I made a mistake, I learned my lesson...... and I will never do it again.