Voila! Finally, the Zombie Strippers script is here for all you fans of the horror comedy. This puppy is a transcript that was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of the movie to get the dialogue. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and all that jazz, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. At least you'll have some Zombie Strippers quotes (or even a monologue or two) to annoy your coworkers with in the meantime, right?
And swing on back to Drew's
Script-O-Rama afterwards -- because reading is good for your noodle. Better than Farmville, anyway.
Zombie Strippers Script
George W. Bush has won his fourth
consecutive term as president...
... taking Florida,
which due to a computer glitch...
... inherent in the Jeb B. voting
terminals, tallied one single vote...
... for President Bush
and Vice President Schwarzenegger.
Bush's presidency
was unanimously declared...
... legally binding
by the Supreme Court...
... as well as totally cool,
by Chief Justice Jenna Bush...
... who subsequently set in motion
another supreme kegger.
Following the landslide victory...
... a constitutional amendment banning
public nudity was implemented.
Shortly thereafter,
President Bush dissolved Congress...
... claiming it was cramping his style.
American troops
continue to be strung thin...
... due to the still-raging wars in Iraq,
Afghanistan, Syria, Iran, Lebanon...
... Libya, Pakistan, Venezuela,
France, Canada and Alaska.
One American corporation has
discovered...
... a scientific military solution
to the looming troop-shortage crisis.
Here at W Industries, top scientists...
... in cooperation
with the United States military...
... and due to the shortage
of American troops...
... are developing a toxic,
easily transmittable chemo virus...
... that acts to reanimate dead tissue.
But we assure you, due to the extreme
level of volatility of such tests...
... the research facilities
are unequivocally...
... in accordance with the United States
government level of standards...
... fail-safe.
Behold a pale horse.
Please help me! Help me!
Sir.
They're here.
Major. Thank God you guys are here.
- It's bad in there.
- It better be, right, lieutenant?
We're the best of the best.
We drink napalm and piss fire.
Semper fi.
So, what seems to be the problem?
Believe it or not, zombies.
I like knives.
He likes knives.
Nothing like a good challenge.
We improvise and adapt, sir.
We just stopped that thing.
What was that called?
- Armageddon, sir.
- That's the one.
Lt. Ryker here killed Satan himself
with a sharp stick.
- Good work, soldier.
- Just doing my duty, sir.
- So where were we?
- Zombies, sir.
That's right, zombies.
Let's tell the squad the good news.
I live for it, sir.
Fall out, you maggots!
On the double, let's go, move it.
Go, go, go.
Recon's in zero minus three minutes.
On the double, dirtbags.
Today is a good day to die.
- Meet the team, private?
- Yes, sir.
Welcome to the best of the best, son.
Now move out, soldier!
Zombies.
Shit.
Take a good look, soldier.
You see this?
There's fucking zombies out there.
Seen worse.
So, what are we dealing with here, doc?
It's a chemo virus
designed to reanimate dead tissue...
...and jump-start
the brain's motor function.
This would allow, say, a soldier
to continue fighting after death.
After one experiences death,
fear is more or less gone.
It enhances the combat mindset...
...the brain functions of one
fearless, uninhibited...
...the drive of a take-no-prisoners
soldier of raw survival instincts.
It more or less turns a soldier
into a super soldier.
The good news is...
...the test subjects in there
are not trained soldiers...
...but poor lost unfortunates
who've had no other choice...
...but to sell themselves
to scientific experiments.
Homeless, illegal immigrants,
the American middle class.
And what's the bad news?
The chemo virus'
molecular structures...
...deteriorate at an exponential rate
from host to host.
The zombified dead after that
are but mindless monsters...
...with a voracious appetite
for living flesh.
The virus is based
on the human X chromosome...
...so it stays more pure
from woman to woman.
But once you get a man in there,
like everything else...
...it all goes to shit.
So, what do we have to do to take
one of these zombies down, doc?
Well, what works for us is we've been
surgically removing...
...the medulla oblongata.
Or that.
We also found that a strong
electromagnetic pulse...
...can knock them out.
Right. Lieutenant, give the word.
All right, it's a turkey shoot.
Let's lose this armour.
Jesus.
What team of fuckups
designed this place?
We track as many as we can,
then we hit them with the big E.
- What, Elvis?
- Not Elvis, EMPD.
- Damn.
- Lieutenant.
- Alpha, Bravo, ten-hut!
- Move out.
Com station up and operational.
Alpha, Bravo, incoming at 0400.
Twenty metres, 10 o'clock.
Hold tight. Draw them in.
Holy shit.
Sometimes I like guns.
Alpha, Bravo, incoming at 6 o'clock.
Wait for it.
Do it.
Wait for it.
Blast them.
Report. Comstat, come in.
Kwan, you there?
Com's down.
Electromagnetic blast.
Equipment's fried.
So how do we make sure
they're zero threat?
Oh, no.
Sir, the com phone...
Look out!
Somebody made a mistake.
Somebody made a big fucking mistake.
Fire at will.
Alpha, Bravo, get to the side!
- I want more bombs, sir.
- Sir, orders from comstat base.
The memo reads:
"Osama to attack
within the United States."
Wait, what does that mean?
It's code. It means
we've been warned of the dangers.
But better to ignore the problem
and it's bound to go away.
Got it. That's what we're doing?
Me, personally...
...I'm aiming for the head.
All right. The good old-fashioned way.
Alpha, Bravo teams,
let's clean up the rest of the mess.
- Wrap it up.
- Recon!
This is where it bit me.
It's not that bad. Don't worry, son.
We'll get you fixed up right as rain.
- Mission accomplished, sir.
- All right.
Where'd I hear that before?
Let's get a head count.
Yes, sir. Squad, form up.
Where's Byrdflough?
Off the stage, asshole.
Hi.
I'm looking for Madam Blavatski.
God bless.
Are you kidding me?
This place is more illegal than that ID.
All right.
That was the ever-feline Kat.
Now, she's working hard up there
for you boys, so be extra nice.
And remember, Rhinos
is an ultra-exclusive gentlemen's club.
So exclusive members only,
if you know what I mean.
Now, the management
would also like to remind you...
...that nothing comes out
of your pants...
...but tips for the girls.
Bitch.
- What a talent.
- Slut.
- My hero.
- Whatever.
Okay, über-sluts, we have new meat.
This is Jessy.
- Local girl, right?
- Yeah.
Born and bred, Sartre, Nebraska.
- Figures.
- Grew up on a farm?
Yep. Right again.
- Eat a lot of corn?
- Yep.
Good. Now, we make her at home...
...so we are all... How you say?
- happy with the crabs.
No, not crabs, but other crustaceans.
You mean "happy as a clam."
Clams are molluscs,
not crustaceans.
Whatever.
So you sit here.
We are all happy as clams.
Hi.
Okay.
Lilith!
Go, go, go. You dance.
Oh, Mr. Essko, hello.
Shut your pie-hole.
Hey, boss.
Back off.
Back off, you walking herpie, you.
This is nice.
Never touch.
Not the jacket,
not the shirt, not the hair.
You touch me again, I'll kill you.
I love a man of authority.
Well, hey there, sweet thing.
How about some private time?
Fat chance, fuckwad.
And now, an announcement...
...from your host, Mr. Ian Essko.
Tired of that same old lap dance?
Well, drop an extra C-note, fellas...
...and experience Rhinos'
exclusive face dance.
One of our lovely ladies
will sit on your face...
...and give birth to your head.
Why not try it
with our lovely Lilith here?
Experience the essence du Goth.
Exclusively here at Rhinos.
All right, boys.
Give it up for Lilith,
the dark queen of the underworld.
And remember, tip the girls well
and they come out with nothing on...
...but the music.
And now...
...back by her own popular demand...
...a legend in her own mind...
...Jeannie.
Bitch.
Okay, what the hell
are you doing here?
Is it that apparent
that I've never done this before?
Let me guess,
Granny fell and broke her hip?
She's Nana, and it's for her colostomy.
Hey, Berenge, Trotskyite,
you go work floor.
Lap dance.
Lap dance?
Syphilitical lap dance?
Yeah.
- You want a lap dance?
- No.
- You don't look so good.
- I'm fine.
Well, all right, boys.
Now our own Bobby Sox...
...is gonna tease you
with her sock tease.
All right, all right.
What the hell's going on out here?
Dude, that guy's dead.
Oh, he's okay.
- Where the fuck's Paco?
- Dog, I'm right here.
Clean this mess up, would you?
All right?
I'm only two of me.
Remember the Alamo. Davy Crockett.
- Whatever.
- Yeah.
Knocked up.
I remember when I was once star.
Young stripper with dream.
Dream to sing to swanky Parisian elite
in smoky nightclub.
We live for dreams.
We die for dream.
That which doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?
This new girl.
I don't think she's ever stripped before.
- You think?
- Well, maybe you can talk to her.
Give her some pointers.
Yeah, sure. But everything great...
...must first wear hideous
and monstrous masks...
...in order to inscribe themselves
on the hearts of humanity.
Davis, what are you doing here?
- I need to talk to you.
- Make it quick.
I need to know what
the meaning of life is.
You're kidding.
I know we're Christians, and what
you're doing is a sin, but the intent is...
...well, Christlike,
you sacrificing yourself and all.
So, what are morals?
Does the ends justify the means?
But then again, the road to hell
is paved with good intentions, so...
Darn, I'm out of clichés.
What do you want from me, Davis?
Ultimate truth.
You're the last pure thing I know
in this world.
Maybe there's more truth
to the human condition...
...in me taking my clothes off
for emotionally stunted men...
...so that my grandmother
can shit in a bag...
...than me staying virginal and pure
for you.
Jessy, please, don't do this.
But I gotta. For Nana.
Well, if you must.
I'm gonna watch.
And now, for all you cornhuskers...
...midnight cow-tippers
and Internet explorers...
...we have sweet Jessy.
What the fuck?
Couldn't do it, huh?
Kid, it takes more than desperation
to get out there on that stage.
You either got it or you don't, baby.
What the fuck is going on here?
Look, you pert little minxy slut.
You get back out there right now,
or you're dead to me.
Ian, will you just fucking relax?
I'll take her time.
Jesus Christ.
You have to be a warrior, a soldier.
Fearless, uninhibited.
A stripper with a take-no-prisoners...
...raw survival instinct.
So please, for my sake, suck it up.
- It's a war out there.
- Fucking A, sister.
Get this asshole out of here!
Get him out!
My show, you won't watch.
Come on, in here.
In here.
Stay out of there, he's dangerous.
He's my hero.
I just wanna shake his hand.
Get inside, get her inside,
get her inside, get her inside.
Come on, come on, that's it.
Do we call someone about this?
Who? We're an illegal operation here,
asshole.
We call the police, we're fucked.
This blows.
Okay, okay, okay. Plan.
First, you go out front,
kill everybody that saw it.
- Hey, pendejo, I'm a lover, not a fighter.
- All right.
Second...
Second, we dispose of the body.
Yes, yeah, wild dogs.
French Equatorial New Guinea
cannibals.
You're dead.
I am?
Imagine that.
Oh, no, no, no, hold on.
You're fucking dead.
I was.
- But now I'm back.
- Not possible.
This is not possible.
How does it feel?
Great. I've never felt more alive.
Oh, sweet irony.
Hey, where are you going?
I'm going to dance.
Announce her.
And now...
...back from the dead...
...Kat.
Yeah!
You're cute.
- Me?
- Yeah.
I could just eat you alive.
Come here.
No way.
Jimmy, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
Hey, you think this is a good idea?
I mean, wasn't that bitch dead
a minute ago?
Fuck it.
What's the worst that can happen?
Sit.
This is gonna be so great.
Allow me.
Look, maybe I should go.
Go? It's only just begun.
Look, this isn't so much fun anymore.
Let me make it up to you.
Oh, yeah. Hands are cold.
That's interesting.
Your tongue is so dry.
I get it wet.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy
But wait, there's more.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- No.
- No, thank you.
Suit yourself.
Did you see?
Holy shit!
Hey, do I gotta clean this mess up?
You see this?
You see this, what colour is that?
- Cappuccino?
- Right.
Meaning you're cleaning this entire
fucking mess up. Can you handle that?
Or do I have to find somebody else
in front of Home Depot?
Okay, man, okay. I got it, all right?
In old country, we use eels.
- Eels?
- Yes, eels.
They eat the flesh.
Sorry, but we don't have eels.
Best we can do is a few rats,
maybe the odd ferret.
With any luck, a badger or two.
Badgers?
Badgers?
We don't need no stinking badgers.
Just clean this up.
Come on, Paco, I'll help you.
I'll get the big pieces.
Jesus fucking sheep shit.
Boss, we have a problem.
Could be problem.
Yeah, well, the only problem
I've got right now...
...is Señor Illegal over here,
who's downing my booze.
Oh, really?
How about this, huh, boss?
Maybe this is something worse
to worry about.
Okay, let's see if I've got this straight.
Our best stripper
is a reanimated corpse...
...who is feeding off the living flesh
of our customers...
...who in turn reanimate,
even if they're just a fucking head?
You... You don't see this as a problem?
This is what I think.
I see stripper dead.
And then I see her not so dead.
I see severed head,
and not so dead too.
But I also see not-so-dead
stripper strip. And shiznit, she...
How you say?
- knock them dead.
Or not so dead, as case may be.
So your fucking point?
My point is lots of money.
I never see performance before
like tonight.
Nice boys out there never see
performance before like tonight.
So I think nice boys
tell more nice boys.
And soon, lots of nice boys
throwing money at us.
So that is why I say
not-so-dead nice boy in head form...
...maybe not so much problem.
His head easy to...
How you say?
- brush under carpet.
Head?
I see no head.
What head?
- You see head?
- Me?
Severed zombie head? Please.
This makes so much more sense now.
Good. All here.
What the fuck was that out there?
Yeah, she was amazing.
- What?
- Girls, we talk.
In the old country...
...I strip to buy bread and borsch.
And vodka.
Hey, Lilith, you wake up.
I talk to you.
Oh, my God.
She's dead.
No, I'm not.
Figures. Go ahead, kiss her ass.
You have the personality of clay.
Spineless jellyfish.
Kat says jump and you grovel,
begging her to tell you how high.
Yeah. When she says "zombie,"
you say, "how dead?"
You're surprised?
Actually, there's more.
Kat eat nice boy.
But leftovers still alive.
- Cool.
- How's it feel?
Death.
It's like snow and the stars.
That's pretty.
I remember once lying in the snow
under a clear blanket of stars.
And there were so many stars.
I couldn't comprehend
what it was like...
...that vast and noble void.
But now...
...I understand it.
I feel I'm a part of it.
That infinite nothingness.
I wanna strip. Who's on?
Fuck it, I'm gonna dance.
Death is good.
Okay.
It looks like war has been declared.
Give it up for Jeannie.
The dance of the bruised ego.
Get off!
- Go away.
- Come on, you're trash.
- You're done, bitch.
- Bring us Lilith!
- You suck!
- Lilith!
You.
Oh, baby, you are morbid.
I love your tongue.
Oh, wow, this is so fucking cool.
I love your tongue.
This is starting to creep me out.
Come on. Come on.
Okay, not too bad.
Just back away slowly.
These things don't move so well.
Oh, really?
You seen those putas dance?
They move pretty good to me, all right.
What are you staring at, dog?
You know me?
You look at me like you know me.
I'm from East Lo. I'm crazy.
Bite me, man.
Hey. Hey, come on. Basement,
basement. Take it to the basement.
In the cage. In another cage.
Get in there, fella.
Yeah. Yeah, that should hold him.
Well, I think the spillover
zombie problem's been solved.
- Where are they?
- In there.
Good, good. Okay, quick,
everybody out, everybody out.
Come on, come on. Get out, out, out.
Home. Piss off.
Come on, get out of here.
Make like a tree
and get the fuck out of here.
Beauty.
Yeah, baby.
Those graveless gutter sluts
are gonna make us a mint, bro.
Now, you know,
the law of the universe dictates...
...that the whole thing
could turn into a world of shit.
Well, hey...
...it's me.
Yeah.
That's what worries me.
Who's there?
Are you following me?
What? No. I was... I was just...
There was this...
- You should have seen this thing back...
- Davis. Davis, look.
You need to stay far away from me
right now.
There's something going on
that I don't even understand.
So just go home. And, Davis?
- Lock your door.
- Yeah, sure.
Shit.
Bye-bye.
Take me.
I want it. I want it now.
I love you.
Love is dead.
Great tits, huh?
Yes. But what does it mean?
Here I am, sweet thing.
The god of love in the flesh.
Flesh.
Hey, baby. Nice to meet you.
Meat.
Girl, I've been dying
to get a lap dance with you.
Go.
Back. Back, you not-so-dead
nice boy missing face.
Back.
- Close the door.
- You hold that switch from up there.
Get away from him.
- Get in.
- Step back.
Hey.
See? Piece of fucking cake.
Baby, we are gonna make an un-killing.
Don't tell me
you're going through with this.
I have to.
You can't compete
with what's out there.
I'm thinking of getting Kat to,
you know.
For my nana.
That's an excuse and you know it.
Perhaps.
But listen to that.
That acceptance, that praise,
the confidence in that.
The sense of pride and self.
It's not a sense of self out there,
but regression towards the mean.
But it's so fucking cool.
Okay, girls, go home.
Tomorrow.
I'll do it tomorrow.
- Dude, that place is so awesome.
- I'm going back tomorrow, man.
Hello, darling.
You want to party with the love doctor?
Hey.
I like knives.
Okay.
But kind of kinky.
Okay, okay.
You two have a good night, all right?
Damn, that chick's as cold
as the dead flesh...
...of a stripping zombie.
Jesus.
- Beautiful.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
Beautiful.
We have to stop her.
Yeah, she could get out, infect others.
Fuck that.
I'm not letting her take the spotlight.
But she's always been the star.
I have never been booed
off stage before. Never.
Kat's reign ends
if it's the last thing I do.
- But what can you do?
- We need the source.
What happened to that guy, anyway?
- Hey, boss.
- Do me a favour...
...and hose yourself down
before you come in here.
Look, this zombie thing has gotta end.
The other girls can't get any stage time.
Have you any idea how much money
we're making right now?
Look, Ian, these zombies,
they scare me.
I can't sleep. I'm having nightmares.
Don't worry about them, then.
They're murdering,
flesh-eating monsters.
- They're harmless.
- Ian, this could spread everywhere.
If that's what fate brings our way,
then there's nothing we can do about it.
- No, that's fatalism. It's not me.
- Yeah, right.
- Whatever.
- What's that supposed to mean?
It means that you've never really
given a shit about anything anyway.
Why the fuck start now?
You've always just stood back
and watched and rolled your eyes.
- Yeah, well, this is different. It's evil.
- It's a trend.
It's a fucking fad.
I don't trust you.
- You're planning something.
- Who, little old me?
Let me put it to you this way.
You are useless.
You're dead to me.
And I mean real dead, not undead dead.
You got nothing until you can do what
those zombie bitches out there can do.
So get out, pack your shit...
...get on the bread truck
and haul fucking buns.
What?
Suddenly, you have a sense of self?
Suddenly, she cares.
Hello.
Oh, my God.
Calm down.
Aren't you afraid of looking like that
in the future?
What future?
I don't know.
Come to Mama.
- What the fuck's your problem?
- I'm pathetic.
I won't argue that.
Coward. Worthless.
Ugly. Fat ass.
I hate you.
- Where is Jeannie?
- I don't know.
You go on the floor.
What's the point?
They only want zombies now.
Just do it.
No. Where are you, Jeannie?
Nasty zombie guy?
Anyone?
Jesus, you look like a corpse.
That's the plan.
It's my duty to conform.
No, your duty is to be an individual.
The mind is a flame to be kindled,
not a vessel to be filled.
How foolish and naive, Berenge.
Your optimism makes you an idiot.
What did you call me?
- An idiot.
- No, an optimist.
Don't you ever
fucking call me an optimist again.
My mind's made up. I must submit.
For my nana,
for my sense of acceptance...
...for the luxury of not having
to think for myself anymore.
Call it what you want.
In the end it's all the same.
What are you looking at, huh?
I'm doing it.
- You're going up there?
- Yes.
- And taking your clothes off?
- No, no, that's not what I mean.
What are you doing?
The whole flesh-eating corpse,
zombie super-stripper thing.
Excuse me?
Did I miss something?
Warriors, come out to play.
Warriors, come out to play.
Your time is done here.
So, little one,
you think you can beat me?
You've been dead, the flesh decays.
- I am now your equal.
- Never!
Then come, let's dance.
If this gets out, I'm fucked.
No. No, this is not what I want.
I can no longer be blind to the war.
I can no longer ignore the killing.
This is getting way out of hand.
- Where's Ian?
- Why?
What are you talking about?
- They're out.
- Who? Who's out?
Jesus, them!
- No!
- Oh, no! No!
Get out!
Open the door, Ian, it's us.
Prove it!
Okay. Come on.
Come here.
Freeze!
Put the gun down, Ian.
How do I know
that you're not one of them, huh?
- How do I know you're not one of them?
- Because zombie doesn't piss in pants.
You two, boys with toys...
...stop this foolish nonsense.
We must work together.
Right, right.
Hey, man, open the door.
- Who's there?
- Are you kidding me, pendejo gringo?
Just let him in.
Not cool.
How do we know
you're not one of them, huh?
- He's alive.
- Very alive.
- Now what?
- Okay.
- We need a plan.
- Yeah.
We'll destroy them.
No, wait. We join them.
No. Kill them
and everything they stand for.
No, join them. Destroy them.
Fuck! Why?
Why can't I decide?
Am I no longer human? Have I no soul?
This is all your fault, existential bitch.
- Nothing like a good cat fight, huh?
- Yeah.
No.
Hey. You have more of those?
Are you kidding?
Okay, anyone know
how to use these things?
Well...
...something about the safety being off.
I saw that in a movie.
Hey, the law says I can own them,
not that I have to know how to use them.
Skank zombie whore-bitch,
prepare to die.
Been there, done that, loser.
I hate you, corpse-zilla.
Oh, what's that, undead cellulite?
Too bad you couldn't reanimate
your personality.
I see your skin didn't get any worse.
Limbo bimbo.
Rotten slut.
- Can we at least have plan?
- Yeah, I got a fucking plan.
Shoot everything that moves.
Hey, those guys... Come on,
they could be shooting at us.
He's right. Yeah. We need to wear
something that shows we're alive.
Like badges.
Badges? Badges?
Yo, that's a good idea.
Maybe we should get some badges.
But what about the girls, huh?
They're good girls.
They're zombies.
No, they're strippers.
They're zombie strippers.
Come on, let's do it,
undead motherfuckers!
Why?
Goddamn!
Well, that sucked.
What the fuck was that about?
Reminds me of the old country.
- Oh, no, we lost Paco.
- Fuck Paco.
This makes me sad.
Little Aztec warrior.
That really blew.
Come on, you guys,
we can do better than that, huh?
How about round two?
Oh, this is no good.
It's only a matter of time
before they find us.
Davis, hold me.
Hey, baby?
Maybe we should, you know, do it.
What? What happened to all that purity
you so needed of me?
Right now it seems
a little misguided, intrusive.
Maybe like denying the beauty of life...
...by adhering to repressive
and outdated religious dogma.
You mean,
you wanna get laid before you die.
- Is that such a crime?
- Unbelievable.
Oh, come on, baby.
I won't put it in all the way, I promise.
Get a life, loser.
- Blowjob?
- No.
- Hand job, rim job?
- No. No.
- Anything?
- No.
- Dirty Sanchez?
- No.
- A to M?
- No.
- Angry Dragon?
- No.
- Foamy Chewbacca?
- No.
Where do you get this stuff?
The Internet.
Listen.
I can't take this anymore.
You do me, slut.
No, no, no.
No.
Oh, no.
Pancho Villa.
Montezuma.
Cesar Chavez.
Cinco de Mayo.
Guacamole.
Adios, Maria.
Maria, Maria.
Goodbye, my friend Pepe.
I will miss you most.
You are a true friend.
It's Paco time.
Wait, wait.
The girls, you can talk to.
Gaia, please, look at me.
Look at my eyes.
And trust me.
Trust the voice
you are hearing from me right now.
Look into me.
Look into my eyes.
Oh, my God.
Do I suck or what?
All right.
- Who the fuck are you?
- D-Squad.
- Who the fuck are you?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, missy.
I'm just a little old nobody
who happens to own this place.
Thanks for ruining my shirt,
by the way.
Sorry about the mess.
Yeah, you take care now.
Wait, wait. You don't have to leave.
- Maybe we could work together, huh?
- Okay.
You take flank,
lay GR at full 10. Ready?
What are you waiting for?
I've got a better idea.
I'll hide...
...and you two kill...
...or whatever, the zombies.
Copy that. Wait here.
"Wait here." I can do that.
At last, I will taste victory...
...as I tear you apart
with my own two hands.
I have won.
No!
All I ever wanted
was to be the best at something.
Anything. Is that too much to ask?
Babe, you were the best.
Really? Well, thank you.
Thank you.
Sector 7, clear.
Wait a second.
Someone, please,
put her out of her misery.
Someone put me out of my misery.
I've got this.
Hey, boss.
Good idea.
We never gave you
a thank-you dance...
...for all that you've done for us.
You really don't have to. Really.
Herpes is one thing,
but zombie herpes?
Oh, God.
I know what you want.
Face dance.
Please, please. No, no, no!
- My turn.
- No, please, no.
Tracking him now.
Eyes are upon the world.
Repeat, eyes are upon the world.
No. Hey, we're alive.
- We're not one of them.
- Convince me. Say something human.
Oh, shit, couldn't you
give me something easier?
Okay, okay.
I think, therefore I am.
I think? Actually, I have
my doubts about that one.
- Not convinced.
- Okay, okay, okay.
Revenge is a dish best served cold.
Oh, fuck, that's Klingon.
Oh, God, don't kill me.
I don't wanna die.
Please don't kill me.
I don't wanna die. Please.
Excuse me.
Mr. Army Man, Mrs. Army Person,
he's a little confused.
Missy, we've got a job to do.
So make it good,
in a deeply ontological way.
Funny, I just had a memory.
I'm in a field and I look down...
...and I see a single dandelion...
...growing from out of
what looks like cow manure.
And suddenly, a wind blows...
...and the wind is aswarm
with glistening florets...
...milk-blue in the afternoon sun.
Seeing such profound beauty...
...rise up from cow shit...
...I suddenly realise life is beautiful.
Wait.
What?
Search and destroy.
Recon sector Alpha, let's move!
Oh, Christ, what's that smell?
Oh, fuck.
Shoot me, please.
Specimen secured.
Repeat, specimen secured.
All right, bag him.
No!
- We'll hand it over to SI for testing.
- No.
No.
What it is, you are.
We got survivors.
All right, say something.
Wait a minute.
Hey, major.
You.
Me? What?
It was you.
You gave us that bunk intel
on the electromagnetic pulse.
You want us to fail.
That's right. I let the zombie virus out.
It took months of planning...
... but I was able to secure
a sample of the chemo virus.
And then effectively release it
into the laboratory's populace.
Don't you see? We like it
when things go tragically wrong.
We go out of our way to make sure
disaster hits magnificently.
Global warming is making us enough
money to make Solomon blush.
Iraq is making us enough money to
make God cream in his fucking jeans.
But wait, just think,
if this zombie virus gets out...
...look out.
Hey, this is America.
We're fighting for the American way.
Oh, please, give me a break.
Dude, we've been sold a farm,
used and abused.
If you're smart, you realise this
and play ball and work for the Man.
Or else ignore it...
...and give in
with the rest of the walking dead.
You guys should smoke more.
Not enough kids smoking these days.
It's so fucking cool.
Incoming.
At last, I'm beautiful.
I'm beautiful.
Don't you think I'm beautiful?
Orders are orders.
Sir, I fear we're being used.
You just figuring that out?
Sir. Hey, I'm talking to you.
Gentlemen. Expensive.
Gonna cost.
Let's fix this lickety-split.
Call it, lieutenant. Our job's done here.
D-Squad, ten-hut.
Come on, you numbnuts,
move it or lose it.
Hey, what's this?
Son of a bitch.