Voila! Finally, the Tommy Boy
script is here for all you quotes spouting fans of the movie Chris Farley
and David Spade movie. This transcript was painstakingly
transcribed using the screenplay and/or viewings of Tommy Boy. I know, I know, I still need to get the cast names in there and I'll be eternally
tweaking it, so if you have any corrections, feel free to
drop me a line. You won't
hurt my feelings. Honest.
Tommy, hurry up, you're gonna
be late for school again!
Son of a...
Damn!
Nice doggy, nice doggy!
Holy shnikees!
Late again Tommy?
- You're pathetic.
- Shut up, Richard!
Hurry up Tommy, hurry up!
Damn!
Hi. How are you?
Oh, man!
No, please, God, no!
Son of a...
Sorry. Excuse me.
Pard me.
Can I Just check this, uh.
D +?
Oh my God! I passed!
I passed! Oh, man i got a D+!
I'm gonna graduate!
I wish that we'd known each other.
This is a little awkward.
I'm gonna graduate!
D+!
Hey guys, do i look different now that
i'm a college grad?
Not really.
Apparently they give a lot
fewer D+'s than D-'s.
It's not a grade they like to give out,
i'll tell ya that right now.
Yeah, you mentioned that.
So, that's it for school, uh?
Now what?
No idea.
Well, for now i'll probably go back and
work in my dad's loading dock like always.
And after that, figure it out.
I'm gonna miss you man.
You're the best.
Uh-uh, you are the best.
I love all you guys.
Specially you.
I'm gonna make a toast.
To the best bunch of rugby
freaks ever born.
Yes sir.
Maybe we weren't the smartest
guys on campus.
Maybe we spent too much time
puking off balconies.
- But we had fun, huh?
- Yeah!
Now, some of us are leaving,
and that is sad.
But this isn't the end.
No way.
We're gonna show this world
a thing or two. We're gonna show...
- Richard Hayden?
- Tommy.
So where's my dad? I thought he was
gonna meet me at the airport.
He was at the airport this morning,
but you weren't on the plane.
He said he had a surprise for me.
Maybe. I guess you should have called.
I did call, earlier, when...
using the phone.
- Earlier? When was that?
- Er... later...
When, when... then... I...
huh.., I left a message.
A message?
What number did you call?
- ... ... ...
I can't hear you. You're trailing off.
And did i catch a "niner" in there?
What Were you calling from,
a walkie-talkie?
No, it was cordless.
You know what? Don't.
Not here, not now.
Did you hear i finally graduated?
Yeah. And just a shade under
a decade too. All right.
You know, a lot of people
go to college for years.
I know. They're called doctors.
Oh, that has to be you.
Spray that thing for bugs?
Hey, what happened to the tire plant?
They shut it down last month.
Would you mind not eating in the car?
It's kind of a rule.
- You still got your GTX car, huh?
- Yes.
And i dropped in a Magnum
with a six-pack.
You hang on to a car this cherry,
kinda' like your suitcase.
Kinda' like your suitcase... Hey, what's
new with the old gang from high-school?
I don't know Tommy. I didn't really
like the old gang from high-school.
- Hey, the muffler plant's gone too.
- Yes.
Come on! Dammit.
That sounds good. Melted
chocolate inside the dash.
That really ups the resale value.
I think you're gonna be ok here.
They have a thin candy shell.
'Surprised you didn't know that.
I think your brain is
a thick candy shell.
Your brain has the shell on it.
- Are you talking?
- Shut up, Richard!
Ron, don't tell me the bank
thinks we need to wait it out.
Any business that tries to wait
it out will be just that, out.
In auto-parts, you're either
growing our you're dying.
There ain't no third direction.
Tom, you're talking about a huge loan.
Maybe instead of borrowing,
you should take on a partner.
This always has and always
will be a family firm.
My grandfather founded it in '
my father kept it running
during the depression,
my aunt Ilenne, ran it when
he went away to war
and someday my son will run it.
- Hi dad.
- Tommy!
Am i proud of you.
Mister big time, college grad, huh?
Thanks dad.
- You're looking great kid.
- Thanks Mr. Rittenhauer.
Oh, how you doin' Mr. Reilly?
Real good. I had a kidney removed last
April, but i still have the other one.
You remember Mr. Gilmore
from the bank?
- Yeah. Nice to see you again sir.
- How are you?
Listen, why don't you come out
on the floor with us?
Mr. Gilmore needs reminding
of why he does business with us.
Richard, could you huh...
Run these figures by accounting.
No problem.
My fellow nerds and I will retire
to the nerdery with our calculators.
We should have something for you...
by this afternoon.
Hard hats, gentlemen. If you get hit in
the head without wearing one of these,
they scoop your brains up with
a goddamned soup ladle.
Hey, look alive!
Low bridge!
Son of a...
- You all right, Tommy?
- Yeah...
- What happened?
- Nothing.
- Danny! How's that new son-in-law?
- He's a real pain in the butt.
Hey Tommy, you're back!
Way to go on that D +!
Thanks, Danny.
Looking good man.
- Hey, Tommy!
- Hey man! How you doing?
Hey how are you. Good to see ya,
how you doin'?
- Hey, Sammy!
- Tommy! Welcome home buddy.
Hang in there, Ron.
We're almost there.
Lou, i got some papers i want
you to sign in the office.
- Hey, Tommy!
- What are you doing on the floor?
Yeah, I was going crazy on the loading
docks, so your dad moved me in here.
- Hey, what is this thing?
- It's a buffer.
I take oil filters that need smoothing
and give 'em a quick zap.
Cool!
- Can i try one?
- Help yourself.
Nice distance.
- Tommy! Come on! Let's go!
- Yes, sir. See ya.
Here she is, Ron. My dream. This, my
friend, is our new brake pad division.
And the future of "Callahan Auto".
- Quite a sight, Tom.
- This is awesome.
You say these brake pads are gonna
revolutionize the industry?
Composed of high grade
steel and graphite.
They're the goddamned Rolls Royce
of brake pads. That's what they are.
I get tears off my eyes
just thinking about it.
You coming awful fast,
how do you do it?
I need fresh capital for material,
for new work force
before i can turn these machines on.
Look out!
I got cat- like speed and reflexes.
In years, have i ever
said no to you, huh?
Why say "no" when it feels
so good to say "yes"?
I was checking the, ah, specs on the
end line, for the rotary girder...
- I'm retarded...
- Okay, Tom. Let's go!
Yes, sir.
Okay, left.
Can i open my eyes now dad?
I never told you you had to close
them in the first place, son.
Yeah, go ahead! Open 'em up.
That's my name!
Yeah, and that's your new office
now, college grad. Go on in there!
Awesome!
Hey, there's even a fridge!
This is great... you
can put six-packs of be-
Soda in here. Milk, yoghurt.
You can put candy bars in the freezer.
Anything that you wanna keep cool.
Mr. Callahan, i need your
John Hancock on these reports.
John Hancock...
It's Herbie Hancock.
- Richard, check out my new office!
- You've a window.
And why shouldn't you?
You've been here minutes.
Now look son, these are
our new catalogues.
Get to know them,
they're important.
Richard, you promise me you're gonna look
after Tommy here 'til he gets his feet wet.
Sure. And thanks for choosing me.
Now don't forget, we're
going home early today.
I got another surprise for you.
Cool! Thanks, dad.
It's called reading. Top to bottom,
left to right.
Group words
together as a sentence.
Take Tylenol for any headaches.
Midol for any cramps.
Shut up!
Can i open my eyes now dad?
For God's sake son, will you quit
covering your damned eyes?
Holy shnikees!
- Is that for me?
- No, son, that's for me.
Dad, she's like a ten.
Hi, honey.
This must be Tommy.
- Are you Tommy?
- I'm Tommy.
I'm Beverly,
and you're just adorable.
Nah...
Son, i got an announcement to make.
Tom, i've asked Beverly
to be my wife.
Wow, man!
What did she say?
It's so cool that you're getting married
Saturday. So where did you guys meet?
Here you go, sweetie.
We met at the fat farm
spa resort thing.
Beverly was one of the trainers. In fact
she was the only one of the trainers
i didn't wanna
plant six feet under a lettuce patch.
Wait 'til you hear this! She's got a son.
He worked at the spa too.
I met him. He's a terrific guy.
You're really gonna like him.
He's coming here today,
for the wedding.
Tommy, it sounds funny saying this, but
my son is going to be your new brother.
Brother? I'm gonna have a brother?
I've always dreamed about having a brother.
Speak of the devil.
A brother!
- Brother?
- I'm Paul, you must be Tommy.
Brothers don't shake hands.
Brothers gotta hug.
I can't believe i have a whole
new family. This is awesome!
Yeah. Great.
No offense, but if i showed a picture of
your mom to some of my buddies at school
she'd definitely be
boner of the month.
I'm honoured.
So is there anything to
do in this town besides eat?
Tons of stuff.
Late night pitch and putt.
We go to the livestock auction
and cruise the -H babes.
Throw stuff off the bridge.
What do you feel like doing?
I don't know. Something
a little more dangerous.
Sure. All you can handle bro.
Look at 'em there!
Pretty maids all in a row.
I want the one on the left.
She's perfect. Which one d'you want?
- Does it make a difference?
- Oh, yeah.
- Wait a second. Is this your first time?
- Yeah, Tommy, it is.
You're gonna remember this
the rest of your life.
Can't believe you've
never been cow tipping before.
Get ready to live!
She's sleeping. What you do is put
your shoulder into her and you push.
- And?
- They fall over.
And this doesn't strike
you as kinda' dumb?
We're family. We're gonna be doing
lots of dumb stuff together.
Wait 'til Christmas.
You keep your feet
shoulder-width apart.
Stay between the udder
and the hock, it's a...
belly option on - - .
Ready! Hut!
Holy Shnikees!
Hey, get off my property!
Run for it!
- I'll save you brother!
- I'm ok. Get away from me!
Get up!
- Come on!
- I love you.
Hey, get me! My turn!
Over here!
These shoes are Italian.
They're worth more than your life.
Man! Did i get dooshed with mud!
Hey Chucko, that
doesn't smell like mud.
Oh, man, that's cold!
I'm a maniac. Maniac...
... on the floor. And i'm dancing
like i never danced before.
Did you eat a lot
of paint chips when you were a kid?
Why?
- Mornin', Richard.
- Hi.
Luke, I am your father.
I've interrupted "happy
time". Look, your father wants
you to check out the
delay problems we're having
at the loading dock. Now, i know you'd
love to just sit there and keep being...
not slim, but we gotta
work a little today, okay.
- That was from Star Wars".
- I know.
R.T. I think i figured out the problem.
This order's going to Columbus.
That's a one day delivery,
but you've got it
marked down for two.
That's because it's going to Columbus,
Georgia, not Columbus, Ohio.
You see these letters by the city?
That's called a state.
- What else you got, Wonder Boy?
- That's pretty much it for now.
Tommy, maybe you should go back
to college for another years
and study a globe.
Tommy Callahan?
Michelle Brock. Chaparrall High.
Remember?
Yeah, i remember!
I sat next to you in History.
You work here?
It's so bizarre that you work here.
Come on in!
Oh, and forget about R.T.!
He's pissed off 'cause he recently
found out what a loser he is.
A loser he is!
Nice. How come you don't put
the files in the file cabinets?
I don't like file cabinets.
- Why not?
- You have to open them.
I've got my own system.
Hasn't failed me yet.
All the shipping
orders go through me,
which means i spend about half of my
pathetically anal life in here.
So if i couldn't do
things my own way,
i'd probably freak out and
blow up the whole town.
Cool!
Hey, remember your brother, Duane?
Whatever happened to him?
We used to go to "Safeway" all the time
and get caught trying to steal doughnuts.
He's a cop. He had to get
a real job when my parents
moved to Cuyahoga Falls.
- Want one?
- I'd better not.
I have what doctors call
a little bit of a weight problem.
I used to grab bear claws
as a kid, two at a time
and i'd get 'em lodged
right in this region here.
- How about some coffee?
- I'd love some.
- Man, i bet half the town's here.
- Yeah...
- You look great dad.
- You look good too, Tommy Boy.
Listen, this marriage thing, i know
it's a big step... but you know...
Ever since your mom died...
Something about getting old
and being alone.
You know... it's something...
Dad... It's cool, you know.
I just want you to be happy.
Yeah, i know you do.
And i am, kid!
I am, Tommy boy.
- They're ready for you sir.
- Good. We're ready too.
- How do we look?
- Chubby?
I think that's the champagne talking.
And so these vows are held sacred from
now until eternity.
If there's any person
who finds a reason these
two should not be wed,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
You kiddin'?
Go get her, Tom!
Now by the power invested in
me by the state of Ohio,
i now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Say something for the bride and groom!
Hey dad and Beverly, this is Michelle Brock,
the prettiest gal in Sandusky.
- Michelle, say a little something into the camera!
- A little something into the camera.
Sounds good, Tom, but i'd like to take
a look at your operation before i commit.
Fair enough, Doug. 'Course i can get a
hell of a good look at a t-bone steak
by sticking my head up a bulls ass,
but i'd rather take
a butcher's word for it.
Bull's ass, that's great.
And you guarantee everything you sell?
You know i could guarantee you all day
long, but we both know a guarantee is
only as good as the man who writes it.
Sounds good, Tom.
I'll send the contract next week.
Good man!
You're still the best, Tom.
Eight whisky-sours and i still sell
the son of a bitch. Damn i'm good.
I just wanna tell you you really
look dynamite today, Beverly.
Yeah, Tom, you're a lucky man.
Boy, would I like to get some of that!
Good Lord!
Oh no! Listen, Richard, you got
a edit button on that thing?
- It'll cost ya.
- Come here, you little prick!
All right, all right,
hold it a second folks!
Wait a minute...
Yeah, yeah, workin'.
Listen, i wanna thank you
all for coming today
to welcome two new Callahans
to the family.
My beautiful wife, Beverly
and my new son, Paul.
I feel like i'm the luckiest
man in the world today.
Hit it!
And right now i'm gonna need you,
Tommy boy, to get this place going.
- Oh, for me dad?
- Yeah, you Tommy boy.
Dad, i really don't think...
Okay.
First rocker, take it,
Tommy boy!
That's right, Tommy boy!
Shake the rock to me!
That's right, dad!
Dad?
Somebody call !
There's not much more
we can say, really.
We've lost someone
we love, and it hurts.
Even though Tom is gone,
he'll remain in our lives for ever.
comforting us, making us laugh...
and marching over us.
My dad gave me this boat.
We'd come out here late at night,
when there's no one else in the lake
and then he'd be over there,
on the shore, and he'd yell:
"Quit playing with your dingie!"
I'm gonna really miss him.
- Your father was a great guy.
- Yeah.
I'm really glad you
brought me out here.
Can't believe you wanted to.
Although it's pretty fun.
If we had some wind...
I can't believe there's no wind.
You need wind... cause it, uh-
- Helps push the sail.
- Yeah.
So, what are you gonna do now?
I don't know.
But, i gotta do something.
I don't know what.
- Man, do i sound like an idiot?
- No.
Sorry about this wind. I can't believe
there isn't any wind out here.
- This is ridiculous.
- No, it's great. It's very peaceful.
Hey tub-o! You ain't moving!
Yeah, need a little wind here!
No. You need to drop
a couple pounds, blimp!
Rascals.
I guess that's your theory.
So, we'll see what
happens tomorrow.
Hey, your sail is limp,
like your dick!
Watch your language
in front of the lady, punk!
Geez!
You were saying?
Hey, Gilligan,
did you eat the Skipper?
You kids better pray to the god of skinny
punks that this wind doesn't pick up,
cause i'll come over there
and shove an oar up your ass!
Eapers creepers, those guys keep
interrupting us. I'm sorry about that.
You were saying about the uh...
Hey lady, look out!
There's a fat whale on your boat!
Yeah. Free Willy!
Listen up you little spazoids,
i know where you live and
i've seen where you sleep.
I swear to everything holy
that your mothers will cry when
they see what i've done to you!
I was just kidding.
I've no idea where they live.
That was awesome!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're in real trouble.
Zalinsky Industries has an offer
on the table to buy us out.
But as you realize "Callahan"
has been family owned
since Tommy's great grandfather
laid the first brick
And i'll be damned if that's
gonna change on my watch.
Frank, if we sell while
our value's still high,
everyone who owns stock in this
company stands to make a lot of money.
That of course includes you,
Mrs. Callahan,
Now that you and Tommy
are the primary shareholders.
It seems vulgar to think about
money at a time like this.
I don't wanna hear
the word "sell" again.
But Ron, we do need that loan
to keep us afloat
until we figure things out.
I'm sorry, Frank, we can't do it.
Tom got in way over his head when he
built the new brake pad division.
The bank just can't take any
chance in putting up any more money.
Now, let's face it, when big Tom died,
"Callahan Auto" may have died with him.
If this factory goes under,
the whole town goes under.
And that's when the whores come in.
Excuse me, what was that?
Men laying their trick-money down.
dollars to pay the rent?
Maybe instead i'll spend it
on the whore.
Frank, i really don't think
we have any choice.
Maybe i can help.
I give you everything i've got:
my house, the stock.
If i give you that stuff, it's collateral,
then would you give us that loan?
Yes, i suppose so.
Wait a second! What are you saying, Tommy?
You just wanna hand over your inheritance?
Right. If it'll help get
the brake pads going.
My dad said the new pads
were the future of "Callahan".
But who's going to sell them?
I will.
- I'll go on my dad's sale trip.
- I'll be damned!
Whores running around doing their
little behind shake for the men folk.
I kinda like her idea.
For Christ's sake, once during
the war i visited a prostitute,
and my life has been
a living hell eversince.
Hold on a minute! Do we really wanna put
the future of the company in Tommy's hands?
We're running low
on options here, Ted.
I can hold out Zalinsky
for a couple of weeks.
What have we got to lose?
How about the jobs of people?
No offense, Tommy, but you don't know
the first thing about brake pads.
Hey, i know i'm not probably the
answer you guys are looking for,
but i feel i gotta do something.
You're right. I don't know much
about this stuff, but he does.
Oh, no!
That's right. Richard knows more
about brake pads than anyone in here.
And since you were my dad's
right-hand man,
i see you have the rest of
the year pretty much wide open.
Time out! Bad idea.
I don't think anyone could help
Baby Huey out there on the road.
You have a better suggestion?
I can actually hear
you're getting fatter.
What did i say about
eating in the car, anyways?
That it's not good cause
it spoils your dinner?
Hey, Tommy, this is not a vacation for me.
And i'm here against my will,
so the least you can do
is pretend to work.
Ok? Now let's review!
Okay, you're right. Review time.
Let's do it up! Feed me!
First, what are the three grades
of Callahan Brake pads?
Personal, commercial and... agricultural.
And what is our carrying charge for
all the merchandise in the warehouse?
- One and a...
- Half per cent!
I knew that!
Why can't i remember it?
Try an association, like, uh:
Let's say the average person
uses % of their brain.
How much do you use?
%.
The rest is clogged with
malted hops and bong resin.
I gotta do this!
This's got to be the one!
I gotta do this.
It's gotta be me...
- Are you ready?
- Yeah. Sorry, i'm ready.
- Hey, does this suit make me look fat?
- No, your face does.
Okay, let's check you out!
All right.
- That's a clip-on.
- Are you sure?
Alright now, it's sales time,
remember we don't take no-
- No shit from anyone.
- No.
- We don't take no prisoners.
- We don't take no for an answer.
Oh yeah. We don't take
no for an answer...
- No.
- Okey dokey.
- No.
- Gotcha. Thanks.
Terrific! Thanks for your time.
Let me say... maybe.
Well then, i'd just like to add
that the spectrometer
read-out on the nickel-cadmium
alloy mix
indicates a good, rich
strobe n' fade, decreasing
incidence of wear
to the pressure plate.
- If you could just...
- Whoa, little fella, you're not speaking my language.
What my associate is trying to say,
is that our new brake
pads are really cool.
You're not even gonna believe it.
Like, let's say you're driving along
the road, with your family...
And you're driving along...
And then all of a sudden
there's a truck tire
in the middle of the road,
and you hit the brakes.
Woah, that was close.
Now let's see what happens when you're
driving with "the other guy's brake pads".
You're driving along,
you're driving along,
and suddenly your kids are
yelling from the back seat.
"I gotta go to the bathroom, daddy!"
"Not now, dammit!"
Truck tire! I can't stop!
There's a cliff!
And your family screaming:
"Oh my God, we're burning alive!"
No, i can't feel my leg!
Here comes the meat-wagon.
And the medic gets out and says:
"Oh, my God!"
New guy's in the corner,
puking his guts out.
All because you wanna save a couple of
extra pennies... and to me, it doesn't-
Get out! Now!
Yes, sir.
- Do you validate?
- Now!
She's a quart low.
Oh, yeah? Then guess what,
open it back up and put it in!
That's your penance for your
puppet show back there.
And while you're at it,
fill it up with gas, okay?
I'm gonna ask directions to the
next huge embarrassing failure.
You're a huge embarrassing failure.
- What?
- Nuthin'.
Hey chief, could you tell me
how far it is to Davenport?
mi.
- I can't find it on this map.
- Well, get yourself a new map.
Son of a...
Well, it's gotta be on the map,
Davenport, because you say it's mi away.
And you're really smart...
Yet it's not on the map.
- I'm picking up your sarcasm.
- I'd hope so...
'cause i'm laying it
on you pretty thick.
That's a map of Illinois,
which we're in.
On the border of Iowa. Which is
where Davenport is, mi away.
You're in the wrong state.
Get yourself a new map!
That wasn't so hard, was it?
How much do i owe your for gas?
- You didn't pump any.
- What?!
Why didn't you pump any gas?
They're all out. They only got diesel.
Better go to the next station!
What'd you do?
I'd just like to welcome you all
to our annual Callahan Employee Night.
I know it doesn't quite feel the same without
Big Tom here, but we're still a family.
So let's try and have some fun!
Hey, Mr. Rittenhauer! Is it true Tommy's
on the road trying to save this place?
Tommy's out there filling in for his
dad until we get things settled here.
Are you kidding?
We're all screwed!
That kid's one apple that
fell way off the tree.
Mommy, i want a popsicle.
That hurt!
You wanna act like a baby,
i'll treat you like one.
Now, if you wanna act
like a big boy...
Bad mommy.
Don't call me that, it's creepy.
Come on, this is working out
better than we planned.
I thought it'd take a year to bleed
him dry in the divorce settlement.
Instead the guy croaks,
you own half the company.
Yeah, it's too bad he didn't
leave me any cash.
- You talked to the banker?
- Yeah.
Unfortunately your stock isn't worth
dick until they sell the place.
That moment is rapidly approaching.
Hi, grandpa.
Mr. Rittenhauer, is Tommy,
you know, doing okay?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a little time
for a salesman to find his style.
- You think he's finding one?
- I hope so.
Hold on right there
honey. I'll see you Michelle.
See you.
I'm telling you, Paul... the only
thing keeping us poor is Tommy.
The guy's an idiot.
He won't sell squat.
This is what i think of Callahan.
Tommy saved the factory.
That's a laugh!
I don't see any McKeesport.
It's the next town, Tons-of-Fun.
It's gotta be there.
Ok, where's moron?
Moron's here, so McKeesport...
Look, Magellan,
we're at this wrinkle here.
You saw it happen. There was
nothing i could do, right?
Maybe if you didn't lean over to insult
me you would have seen it coming.
Shut up, Tommy!
It's not my fault.
Poor little furry thing!
I'd never seen one close up before.
What are we gonna do?
We can't just leave it here.
Oh, no! Loading it up took
us over an hour.
Now we only got minutes before
"Brady Automotive" closes.
- Yeah, where are we gonna take the deer?
- I don't know. The vet?
You take dead animals to the vet?
- Why not? I'd take you to the vet.
- Yeah, i'll take you to the...
- Got that?
- Shut up!
- It's just down the hall sir, last door on the left.
- Thank you.
Hey, what's your hurry?
You know that thing in the back seat?
It's not an air refreshener.
It's a dead rotting deer carcass.
And we gotta take care of it quick.
And this is one of our
oldest customers,
we should be in and out.
This sales thing isn't so easy.
You can't just go in and out,
you gotta finesse'm a little bit.
Hey, by finesse do you mean
sputtering sentence fragments
and lighting things on fire?
No, but... It's nice to
see you again Mr. Insult.
Say, have you seen Richard anywhere?
Cause if you do, can you ask him,
i mean, since he's so good,
if he might wanna try selling?
Oh yeah? Watch and learn.
Of course i understand what "no" means.
But if i took no for an answer
i probably would wind up
on a street corner selling
spicy hotdogs and wearing a funny hat,
right? It makes sense, doesn't it?
Look, i've been doing
business with Callahan
since i hung up my shingle.
But i don't like you.
Probably never will.
You're a smug unhappy little man, and
you treat people like they were idiots.
Mr. Brady, you and my dad go way back.
Son, i was sorry to hear
about your dad, i was.
But before i decide to keep
my business with your place,
i'd have to come by and have
a look at your new operation.
Hey, i'll tell you what:
you can take a good look
at a butcher's ass by
sticking your head up there
but wouldn't you rather
take his word for it?
What? I'm failing to make
the connection here, son.
No, i mean, you can get
a good look at a T-bone
by sticking your head up
a butcher's ass, but then...
No, it's gotta be your bull.
Here's the deal, if i want you--
- You have derailed.
- Shut up, Richard!
Boy, i'm really at
a loss for words here.
Forget it. I quit.
I can't do this anymore man. My head's
about to explode. My whole life sucks.
I don't know what i'm doing.
I don't know where i'm going.
My dad just died.
We just killed Bambi.
I'm out here getting my ass kicked,
and every time i drive down the road,
i want to jerk the wheel into
a goddamn bridge embankment!
We'll be in touch.
That guy might not call us.
I can't believe you called me a psycho.
Were you in there just now?
You are a psycho.
Good God! And comb your hair.
I wouldn't say you did much better.
I thought you were so cool.
Watch and learn he says. And i
was watching. You know what i saw?
It's alive!
I think it tried to bite me!
No way that just happened.
My car is completely destroyed.
I swear i've seen a lot of stuff
in my life, but that was awesome!
But sorry about your car, man.
It sucks.
We'll return to the "Zalinsky Family Theater"
after these messages.
Will you shut the window, Tommy!
You're letting moths in.
- No, it's hot in here.
- Will you please...
Look, it's him!
America, if you need starters,
spark plugs, ball joints,
gaskets, camshafts,
u-joints or rocker-arms,
anything that can be screwed or
glued to that car or truck of yours?
Come see ol' Ray!
You want a guarantee? I got a
guarantee stamped on every box.
He's got really weird hair.
But more important is the guarantee
that i make to the American worker.
I want your truck to help
you get the job done.
I want your cruiser to get out there safely,
so you can clean up the streets.
And i want your kids to be safe
when you take them for a ride.
- Thanks, Ray.
- Thank you, son.
The name's Zalinsky. I make car parts
for the American working man,
because that's who i am.
And that's who i care about.
Drive down to Zalinsky.
He's the auto parts king.
He seems like a nice guy.
This is the guy trying to buy the company,
not to mention put you on the street
and all you can say is
"he seems like a nice guy"?
He does.
Michelle! I'm glad you called me back.
Yeah, things are going great.
I feel my first sale
coming out real soon.
Yeah, he's here. He's just going
over his car insurance forms.
Could we get any more moths in here?
What? Oh, Richard's vacuuming.
He's vacuuming. I don't know.
I guess he's clean.
Can i call you back in a few minutes?
Thanks. I miss you.
Hey! You can't sleep
with the window open.
And let me lay down
some other rules too.
- What are you so mad about?
- Are you nuts? Do you even have to ask?
My car is destroyed.
We haven't made one sale.
Which means we only
have to sell about a
half million brake pads
in the next ten days,
or else the factory is going under.
And the one guy who should be caring
about this, you, doesn't.
You know what, Richard? You don't know
me as good as you think you do.
I care about stuff, i'm getting
better at this sales thing.
I'm not, but i could if you help me.
Forget it, i have enough to do without
having to change your diapers.
- Richard, is this your coat?
- Don't do it!
Fat guy in little coat.
No.
Fat guy in a little coat.
Take it off.
I'm serious.
Richard, what's happening?
- Good tune man.
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, here we go.
- This song sucks.
- Talk about lame.
- Totally.
You can change it if you want.
- I don't care, it's up to you.
- I can live with it if you can.
Suit yourself.
Oh, God.
Hey, i was just thinking, when
we stopped for gas this morning
i think it was you who put the oil in.
Hey, if you're gonna say i didn't
put the right kind, then you're wrong.
I used W- .
And besides, motor oil would have
nothing to do with this accident.
True. But you can't latch the hood
too well if you don't take the can out
you no-selling waste of space!
I swear to God you're worthless.
I'm sorry about your car.
But don't call me worthless.
I'm trying my best.
I'm not my dad.
That's right. You're not your dad.
He could sell a ketchup popsicle
to a woman in white gloves.
- Ketchup popsicle?
- Yeah.
I learned everything i know from him.
I didn't have a father,
and he looked out for me. But you!
He was your real dad and you
just took it for granted.
Hey, i'm big Tom's son, he'll fix
everything, so i'm allowed to be a moron.
That's it! Get out of the car!
It's go time, you and me.
Look Mommy, the rhino is
getting too close to the car.
Him too 'fraid to get out.
He just a little guy.
That's it big boy.
I'm gonna wail on you.
You're gonna regret volunteering
for this job, Porky.
Hey boys and girls,
it's Papa Smurf!
You know what, you don't want
none of me, think it through.
Come on, give me your best shot, and i'll
give you a free one! Let me have it!
That's it?
Come on, you can do better than that,
can't ya Captain Limp Wrist?
Try again.
Hey everybody, is there a
window open? I feel a draft.
If i wanted a kiss,
i woulda called your mother.
That was a good one.
Prehistoric Forest...
Richard, do i have a mark on my face?
It really hurts.
No, nothing. I thought i
hit you on the shoulder.
My shoulder doesn't hurt very much,
but my face does. Right here.
Not here,
or here so much, but right here.
Nope. Sheep shape.
Waitress could i get that shrimp
cocktail i saw on the glass case?
Yeah. And you... What can i get-
Jesus, what happened to your face?
I knew it. See, Richard?
I'll have chicken wings.
Kitchen's closed until dinner.
I just got cold stuff and desserts.
Boy, some chicken wings would really
hit the spot. You sure it's closed?
Let me check.
Yup, it's closed.
Okay. I'll just have
a sugar packet or two.
- Hey, what's your name?
- Helen.
That's nice.
You look like a Helen.
Helen, we're both in sales. Let me
tell you why i suck as a salesman.
Let's say i go into some guy's office
let's say he's even remotely
interested in buying something.
Well, then i get all excited, i'm
like Jo-Jo, the idiot circus-boy,
with a pretty new pet.
The pet is my possible sale.
Oh, my pretty little pet. I love you!
So i stroke it, and i
pet it, and i massage it.
I love it, i love my little
naughty pet. You're naughty.
And then i take my
naughty pet, and i go...
I killed it!
I killed my sale!
That's when i blow it.
That's when people like us have got
to forge head, Helen. Am i right?
God, you're sick. Tell you what,
i'll go turn the friers back on
and throw some wings in for ya.
Thanks, Helen. Tommy like-y.
Tommy want wing-y.
Did that board to the head
knock something loose?
What are you talking about?
That you just
pulled at the waitress.
Why can't you sell like that?
I'm just having fun.
If we didn't get the wings, so what?
We still got that meat-lovers'
pizza in the trunk.
You got the wings cause you're relaxed.
You had confidence.
And that's what it takes to sell.
Confidence. Your dad had that.
Why do you always have
to de-turd this things?
My dad was smart, i'm not.
Very true. But there's
two types of smarts,
book smarts, which waved bye-bye
to you long ago,
and there's street-smarts,
the ability to read people.
And you know how to do that,
just like your dad.
He was the best at knowing
what people wanted to hear,
and what people needed to hear.
That's what selling is all about.
In a way, these people are
buying you, not just brake pads.
Hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins!
- Maybe you're right, Richard.
- I think i am.
Holy Lord, look at this guy, caught
him right after thanksgiving feast.
- Nice, Richard.
- Now i need a Pooper-Scooper.
I like your line.
And i like your prices.
But there's a problem.
There's no guarantee on the box.
If they break down, you can call
me at home, even if i'm watching TV.
Callahan has guaranteed
every part sold since .
Maybe so, but it's not on the box.
It should always be on the box.
Comforting you, calling out
"I'm good. I'll never let you down."
"But if i do, i'm gonna
make all things better."
Our brake pads are made of
a non-corrosive poly-plated...
Son, if you're not talking
about a guarantee, skip it.
My customers need to see that little
label, lookin' at 'em right in the eye.
- Hey, you can get a good look at your butcher...
- No.
What?
- Remember, chicken wings.
- Chicken wings?
Alright, uh, you wanna talk
about guarantees, then...
Fellas, you just ran out of time.
Chicken wings.
Let's think about
this for a sec, Ted.
Why would someone put a guarantee
on a box? Hmm, very interesting.
Go on! I'm listening.
Here's the way i see it, Ted.
A guy puts a fancy guarantee on the box 'cause
he wants you to feel all warm and toasty inside.
- Yeah, makes a man feel good.
- Of course it does. Why shouldn't it?
You figure you put that little box
under your pillow at night, the Guarantee Fairy
might come down and leave
a quarter, am i right, Ted?
What's your point?
The point is, how do you know
the fairy isn't a crazy glue sniffer?
"Building model airplanes" says the
little fairy. Well, we're not buying it.
He sneaks into your house once,
that's all it takes.
Next thing you know there's money missing
off the dresser and your daughter
is knocked up.
I've seen it a hundred times.
But why do they put a
guarantee on the box then?
'Cause they know all they sold
you was a guaranteed piece of shit.
That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if
you want me to take a dump in a box
and mark it "guaranteed", i will.
I got spare time.
But for now, for your customers' sake,
for your daughter's sake
you might wanna think about
buying a quality product from me.
Okay, i'll buy from you.
- Well I...
- What?!
He's made one deal, Paul.
It's not the end of the world.
What would be good for us?
We wanna sell the factory.
They're not gonna sell the factory
as long as Tommy keeps making sales.
Why don't you come to bed?
I got it! What does every
factory need? Trucks.
They make stuff. They gotta ship it.
It's most simple.
We stop the trucks,
we stop Tommy boy.
Not good.
Come on man, let's at least take five
minutes to celebrate our first victory!
Look, we got lucky, don't jinx it.
We only have a week left
before the loan's due. I gotta finish figuring
out our trips tonight, so we can jam out early.
Okay, i'll tell you what. You work out that
scientific stuff, i'll go out and get a pizza.
The only thing i need to figure out is
whether to get Chicago style or thin crust.
The salesman has left the building.
Chill bud.
Oh, mamasita!
Hi.
Tommy, scram! Don't give her
the weight room thing!
Do you know where the weight room is?
I'll check it out.
Sorry.
Oh, daddy likes! You get wet
honey, you deserve a swim...
Now take off that itchy robe.
Nobody's around.
It's naughty time.
Oh, for the love of God, i've been patient.
Please, don't stop!
You've been on the-
Oh, those are real!
No one's looking.
Speaking of "no one's looking"...
Bad girl.
Ah, thank you...
I'm back.
- Richard, what were you doing?
- Going over some documents.
- Where are they? Geez, i don't see them.
- They're in my briefcase.
- I thought you were getting pizza.
- They were closed.
How could you be reading documents
when they're in your briefcase?
That's a mystery.
- Were you watching "Spank-tro-Vision"?
- Ok then, let's hit it!
Maybe you were watching a movie with
that funny comedian, oh, what's his name?
Buddy Wackett?
All right then,
let's get some shut eye!
- Hey, that's a pretty girl down there.
- Good for her!
Geez, i wonder if she goes out
with one of the "Yankees".
Couldn't tell ya.
Big day tomorrow.
I hope we can keep this momentum going.
Yup, that'd be good.
Richard? Who's your favorite
little rascal? Alfalfa or is it Spanky?
Sinner!
Yes, i'll buy.
Yes, i like what i hear.
Yes, sounds good.
By the way, did you ever
eat paint chips as a kid?
Son of a...
A thousand units to Oshkosh?
Tommy, that's fabulous!
Your dad never sold a
thousand in Oshkosh.
uh uh, since i've been here.
Lord, i never had to tinkle
so bad in all my life.
Richard! You're a riot!
Stop the car! Son of a...
What the hell's gotten
into you? My thing got
stuck in the zipper, i
got piss all over my pants.
Ok, thanks. Bye, i owe you.
Oh, there you are. While i was waiting
i thought i'd make a couple calls.
Okay, mom, i'll call you
later then, bye bye.
What do you want?
I just wanted to tell you that Tommy's
been talking a lot about you recently
and well, thought you
might wanna know that.
God, he's so sweet.
You've no idea how much it means
having you and your mom as family.
He says the sweetest things about her.
Everything he does is sweet.
So, when does sweetie get back?
This Friday. Which is great, because
we're backed up on orders as it is.
He's turned into this...
selling machine.
Well, between that and the sweetness,
i'd say hang on to it.
I gotta go.
Yes, sir. I can have that for you tomorrow.
Well, that'd be great. Thank you sir.
- Housekeeping.
- No, thank you. Sleeping.
- Housekeeping.
- Could you come back here in an hour?
- Housekeeping. You want towel?
- No towels, need sleepy.
Housekeeping. You
want mint for pillow?
Please, go away! Let me
sleep, for the love of God!
Housekeeping. You want me jerk you off?
What kind of hotel is this.
what the hell are- Oh, it's you.
Good morning, sunshine.
Hey, guess what, i just called "Auto Tech"
and they decided to make an order.
So according to my calculations,
that puts us over the mark.
- We did it?
- We did.
Oh, Richard, i'm so happy!
Hold me!
Don't run away from your feelings!
Something went haywire down
at shipping and receiving.
Your shipments got
screwed up in the computer,
the wrong parts went to the wrong cities.
Now all hell's broken lose.
I don't believe this.
Ok, so we call everyone
and explain what happened.
Half the orders have
already been cancelled.
What?!
They think it's an indication
of how things work around here.
The real problem is that we won't be
able to make the payment to the bank.
It's like a bad "Twilight Zone".
I think i'm growing a tumor.
Look, we talk to the bank.
Maybe they'll give us a break.
We've been doing business
with them for years.
Tommy, it's all over.
You made a valiant effort, but
we're gonna have to sell to Zalinsky.
I'm flying to Chicago
to sign over the company.
- What's gonna happen to the factory?
- He's gonna shut it down.
Zalinsky doesn't care
about our workers.
He wants the Callahan name, that's all.
Did anyone see "Scanners"?
Bottom line is, by pm tomorrow
we'll all be unemployed.
Don't say anything, ok! I know i've
ruined your entire life, and you hate me,
so let me pack my things
and go crawling through
a dark hole for a few years.
Hi.
- So, do you hate me?
- I just don't get it.
I guaranteed overnight delivery.
- We faxed to our shipping addresses, didn't we?
- Yes.
And they were right when i put
them into my computer. I swear.
And how could-
Oh, man! This was so big!
I know it was big,
but it wasn't my fault.
Why can't you put your files in the
file cabinet like everybody else, uh?
I mean, maybe if you weren't such
a rebel, you could've avoided...
Don't worry because i've quit. So you
won't have to put up with anything anymore.
Michelle, wait!
Come on, please!
Thanks. Have a good flight.
May i help you?
Hi, i called about a ticket
to Cuyahoga Falls, the name's Brock.
Right. That flight goes through Columbus.
Let me just call that up for you.
Excuse me.
Hello, is detective Duane Brock
on duty today?
This town doesn't even know
what's about to hit it.
Fish in a barrel, my man.
Town's the fish, people are the barrel.
Fish in a barrel...
What's wrong with you, Richard?
You can't drink in a car.
Don't you know we could
get busted for that?
I'm sorry. I need not know that.
Right now we got a bigger problem.
- That is?
- Beer's coming back up.
Oh, Lord!
Here we go!
Cops!
Dammit, Richard.
The whole car smells like beer.
They're never gonna believe
i wasn't drinking. Hold on!
- What are you doing?
- I got an idea.
What the hell?
When i stop the car,
run out screaming.
No problem.
Little trick my dad taught me.
Bees! Bees! Bees in the car!
Bees everywhere!
God, they're huge!
They're ripping my flesh!
Son, roll around!
Do you hear me?
- Roll around on the ground!
- Forget that, i'm starting to swell up!
Save yourself, Tommy!
Don't be the hero!
- Frank, i'm allergic to bees.
- Me too.
They're huge and they sting crazy!
We'll come back
later to check on you.
Save yourselves!
Your firearms are useless against them!
Holy shnikees, it worked!
I just barfed in an anthill.
Cool! Wow, i think they're pissed.
Yeah. That's the answer.
Doesn't look like the answer.
I don't remember eating that.
No! Zalinsky. We go to Chicago,
tell him we're not for sale.
He seems like a good guy on TV.
He'll understand.
You're dreaming. You can't stop him.
You lost your shares to the bank, remember?
What the hell? In less than hs
i'll lose the factory anyway.
So why not give it a shot?
- Chicago?
- Chicago.
- You can't park here!
- Keep it!
Where are you going?
Leave me a message and
i'll get back to you. Thanks.
Hi, Michelle. This is Tommy.
Listen, i'm sorry about what i said.
I was being an idiot. I wanna
apologize cause, i didn't mean it.
Anyway, me and Richard are going
to Chicago, to straighten things out.
The next flight to Chicago
boards in five minutes but
i'm sorry, it's completely sold out.
I can put you on another one
at o' clock this afternoon.
Lady, we really need to get to Chicago.
It's an emergency. Is there anything you can do?
I can put you in to
Salt Lake City, by . ...
I don't have time to go thru another city.
I need a direct flight to Chicago.
Oh, i can reserve you a flight
coming back from Chicago at . ...
Does that help?
Hi. I'm Earth.
Have we met?
I don't think so.
So, i'll talk to you later. Okay, bye.
We're screwed. No tickets
to Chicago. Not even stand- by.
There's gotta be something we can do.
Wait a minute! You got any money?
Cause i got a plan!
We're gonna get busted,
let's get out of here!
Too late.
Hey, guess who's here!
What are we serving tonight,
chicken or... chicken?
What a nice surprise! They said we
were gonna be short-handed this leg.
You two take coach. Oh, and could
you handle the announcements?
Okey dokey. No problemo.
They're gonna know we're bogus.
Relax! You get on the horn!
I throw some peanuts at 'em.
We'll be in Chicago before you know it.
Ok, folks, the guy in
front of you is Tommy.
He'll be taking you through
my little spiel here.
Tommy is a Scorpio, he likes biking,
and he's never been laid.
Exits! Ok, there's one back here,
and there's probably one
over by the wing, somewhere,
usually.
And what about seat belts?
To fasten, take the little end
and stick it in the big end.
You know what, if you guys
don't know how to use a seat belt,
just ring the call button and Tommy will
come back there and hit you on the head
with a tack hammer
cause you are a retard.
Ok, and life preservers.
These we may need.
Although what are the odds
of us actually hitting a lake?
My money says if anything,
it's gonna be a mountain.
To inflate, put it around your
neck and yank down on the tab.
Son of a!
I can't breathe!
Chocking!
He's a big dumb animal,
isn't he folks?
Folks, we're making our final
approach into Chicago.
Ma'am, are you still alive?
Ma'am there's a half hour time limit.
Ok, now, we're running out of time,
so you can't go see Zalinsky like that.
Now go change!
Go!
Fasten your seat belt.
I'm okay. I'm fine, i'm fine now.
- What are you doing?
- I'm nervous so i'm sweating.
You're gonna smell like a cab driver.
Not to say that that's bad.
I wanna be fresh for the meeting.
Well, you look good. Are you ready?
Ready or not, this is crunch time.
... That's it!
Son of a... That's gonna leave a mark.
- Whoa, look at this place!
- Welcome to the Pros.
Oh my God, it's him! There he is,
my friend. The King himself.
Let's do it! It's go time.
Where did he go?
I don't know. You check the elevators,
i'll check the bank.
Where is he? where is he?
Listen up! This'll only take a second!
- Wow, what's going on down here?
- Walk slow!
- Okay. Why?
- Nothing.
- Am i consorting with a known felon?
- Shut up, Richard!
Hey mom! It's the guy
who robbed the bank!
I didn't rob any bank.
Oh, yeah, right. Like there was
other real fat guy with a tiny head.
I got a tiny head?
Zalinsky.
Say something!
Mr. Zalinsky? I'm Tommy Callahan.
Big Tom Callahan's son.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
He was a good man.
Went a little heavy on the
pine tree perfume there, kid.
Sir, it's a taxi cab air-freshener.
Great, you've pinpointed it.
Step two is washing it off.
Sir, what exactly happened here?
He came out of the shadows behind me
and after he hit me many many
times in the head, with a hammer
i had to give him my gun,
you know, i've got kids.
So as more details emerge on
this attempted bank robbery,
Action will be there.
But the "Callahan" factory's
been in my family for years,
you can't just shut it down.
Son, you gotta look at it
from my point of view.
Callahan's a premium name.
That's what i'm buying.
I can make the parts in one of my
factories, put 'em in a Callahan box
and sell 'em in my stores.
At a premium price. Why keep your factory
going when all i want is the goddamned box?
I'll tell you why. Cause
there's a town involved here.
Callahan factory is the
only thing keeping it alive.
Look, believe it or not,
i'm providing a service.
I'm thinning the corporate herd.
You've seen "Daktari"?
The weaker animals always go.
So the kids cry when you tie an old
tiger to a tree and shoot him.
But that's life!
America's in a state of renewal.
We've gotta have the strength to
tie a few factories to a tree
and bash 'em with a shovel.
Meanwhile, if i can grab
your share of the market,
put a little coin in the
pocket, by being the asshole?
Well, what the hell,
you know what i mean?
Boy, you sure are different
in your TV commercials.
What the American public
doesn't know
is what makes them
the American public, alright?
God, i love that!
Hell, folks believe me when i tell them: we're
not just building automotive components here
we're adding horsepower
to the American industry.
You say a word to anyone and i
will kill you. Do you understand me?
It looks real.
Yeah, television's been
good to me, son.
I make car parts for the American
working man, because that's what i am
and that's who i care about.
The truth is i make car parts
for the American working man
because i'm a hell of a salesman,
and he doesn't know any better.
Well, son, since you're no longer the
shareholder, this is where i leave you.
Don't feel bad.
This chain of events was set in
motion a long long time ago.
You and your bald headed friend,
you did what you could,
that's commendable.
Marty, have security
see these boys out!
Mrs. Callahan.
What's my family doing in there?
I thought they were on my side.
They had a lot to gain
if the factory was sold.
Boy, did i screw up.
My so-called family deserted me.
Michelle's mad at me.
I lost the factory.
The town's going under
and i'm out of a job.
Could have done without that.
Geez, i'm an idiot!
Boy, i sure let my dad down.
You tried as hard as you could.
When we first started out i thought you'd just walk
through this like you walked through everything else.
But you didn't. So your dad
would've been proud o'you.
And you got a friend out of it.
Now, i know it doesn't matter
cause you have so many, but uh...
... i don't.
Thanks man.
Tommy.
Michelle!
- Don't tell her about my hair!
- Let it go!
God, i was worried i wouldn't find you.
- Hey, what are you doing here?
- I got your message.
Okay, i was at the airport.
I was going home.
And i saw your step-brother and your
step- mother, and he was kissing her.
- So?
- With his tongue.
- Doing his mommy?
- She's not his mom. They're married.
They were lying to your dad the whole time.
And my brother got these police reports.
See?
They lied to my dad?
They're con artists.
They suckered him.
They lied to my dad.
Richard, i'm gonna need your watch.
I've got a plan.
Folks, Mr. Zalinsky gave us specific
instructions to bar you from the building.
Sorry boys.
Hopefully we'll just be in and out.
My God, he's wired!
And uh, no cops.
Wouldn't want things to get messy.
- That was fun.
- Now what?
Well, it's o'clock,
time for the news.
Excuse me!
Oh God.
Done this before?
Thank you, Marty.
My, your hands move quickly!
Only when i see something
i want, Mrs. Callahan.
Just doesn't seem right.
Hi! Got a second?
- What the hell's going on?
- Oh, my God, we're gonna die!
Tommy, what are you doing?
Hi, Ted. Hi, Frank.
Excuse me, Marty.
Okay, we're live.
We now switch live to our reporter
who's at the scene with the bomber.
This is Nicole Taylor,
live from Chicago.
Hey, look! It's Tommy!
Nicole, i've got something to say.
Please, may i?
Hi. This is Tommy Callahan
here with Mr. Ray Zalinsky,
American auto-parts king.
Honey, look at this
human-bomb on the news!
Oh yeah, i buy brake pads off him.
I thought we were watching cartoons.
Mr. Zalinsky, for years you've
been putting ads on TV.
And they always end up with you saying:
"I make car parts for..." How does that go?
I make car parts for the American
working man, because that's what i am
and that's who i care about.
That's why i'm here, Ray.
You see, back in Sandusky, Ohio,
there are American
workers at "Callahan Auto".
We make the best parts money can buy.
And right now those workers are
in danger of losing their jobs.
They're praying that somebody's
gonna step up and help 'em.
Is that why you've strapped
a bomb to your chest?
Oh, this isn't a bomb.
These are road flares.
Road flares?
Did you live under power lines
as a kid or something?
Why?
Do you guys want this
or "American Gladiators"?
"Gladiators".
So, do you think "Zalinsky Industries"
can help these folks?
I'll be happy to look into it.
I'll tell you what, i can get a good look at
a T-bone by sticking my head up a bull's ass,
but i'd rather take
the butcher's word for it.
Am i just severely wasted
or does Tommy look bloated?
No, it's TV, man.
Camera adds a couple... pounds.
Ray, we're not looking for a handout here.
I'm offering you a great deal.
This is an order for half-a-million
"Callahan" brake pads,
to be sold in your stores.
Made by the American working man,
for the American working man.
Absolutely. It'd be my great pleasure.
What have i got to lose?
A great American product, right?
I don't believe it. Tommy just
sold half a million brake pads.
Tommy just sold a
half million brake pads!
What difference does it make? The company's
gonna be mine in ten minutes anyway. Right?
Mr. Zalinsky, thank you.
Thank you Tommy boy.
And thank you.
And remember you can pick up these
great brake pads from "Callahan Auto"
all my "Zalinsky Auto Parts"
outlets all over North America!
Bravo, Tommy!
For the moment it looks like a tragedy
has been eluded and a town has been saved.
For Action News, i'm Nicole Taylor,
reporting live.
Okay, we're out of here!
Wait a minute, fat boy!
You lost your shares to the bank.
You don't even have
a right to be here.
Gee, funny you should bring that up.
'Cause i'm not sure that you
have the right to be here.
What have we got here?
Oh my God, it's a police report!
- What's all this about?
- Let's see!
Paul Barrish, married
May to Beverly Barrish,
a.k.a. Beverly Burns.
Richard, how could Beverly
be married to Paul
and my dad at the same time?
- Interesting.
- Yes. Provocative.
Well, i think it means that your
marriage to my dad was never legal.
Which also means that Beverly's
shares still belong to Tommy.
- Isn't that right, Mr. Rittenhauer?
- Yes. I believe that's right.
- Mr. Railly?
- I'd say that's right.
- Mr. Gilmore?
- Oh, absolutely.
And let me guess, you're not going to be
selling me the company now, are you Tommy boy?
No sir.
Ray, i have no idea what
they're talking about.
That's it! You're not gonna take this.
It's not over yet, Lee Harvey.
Let's see. Warrants outstanding!
New Mexico: mail fraud.
Colorado: wire fraud.
And coming soon to Ohio:
computer fraud.
Get him!
Don't let him leave the complex, Marty!
Hey, you forgot your wife!
Screw you!
Screw all of you!
Crash Test in Progress.
Not good.
Hit the brakes!
That will ruin his weekend.
Well kid, you threw one by me.
Savour the flavour, cause it
sure as hell won't happen again.
- In the meantime, good luck to you.
- Thank you sir.
Marty, cut a check to Callahan
Auto for those brake pads!
And you, with all this excitement around
here, i kinda' got a little hungry.
Wanna step over to my club
and have something to eat?
- Thank you. I'd like that.
- Good.
Marty, find out where the
police will be taking him!
send over a bottle of bubbly
with a bucket of ice and a card.
Have it say:
"Tough break, get drunk on me...
use the bucket to ice down
your marbles, yours Z."
Well, Mr. Callahan, looks like
we're back in business.
Yes sir, Mr. Rittenhauer.
- That's great, Tommy!
- Thanks.
Way to go, Tommy Callahan!
- That was pathetic.
- Shut up, Richard!
It's a very proud day for me.
I want to introduce you to the
new president of "Callahan Auto",
Tom Callahan Junior.
Tommy, will you say something!
Ever since i was a kid, you people
have been like a family to me.
Louis, we built our
first fort together.
And Danny, remember when we used
to burn ants with a magnifying glass?
R.T., i lost my virginity to your
daughter, for crying out loud!
Rob, you were there.
Anyway, i just want you to know that
as long as i'm around, i'm gonna
bust my butt and make sure that
every last one of you always has
a job, right here at "Callahan".
Dad, got a little problem here.
I've been stuck here for
an hour with no wind again.
I'm supposed to be
at Michelles' for dinner.
So if you could give me a
little help, i'd appreciate it.
If not, don't worry about it.
I'm trying to do everything
i think you'd be doing,
and so far it's going pretty good.
I just wanna tell you that...
i still love you and
i sure miss you a lot.
Hey, thanks dad!
Son of a...!
That's gonna leave a mark!
The End.